"The adventures of writer Newt Scamander in New York's secret community of witches and wizards seventy years before Harry Potter reads his book in school."
Meh, there's nothing too original or exciting in "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them". As many have noticed, it really is like a "Doctor Who" special mixed with "King Kong" mixed with "Pokémon".
The lead who I can't be bothered to look up the name of (Edit: it's Eddie Redmayne) channels Matt Smith so much that he might as well be Matt Smith. He has the same mannerisms, awkwardness, and dress sense. He even has a bowtie, uses his wand like a sonic screwdriver, and carries a suitcase with Tardis properties. I'm not calling J.K. Rowling a plagiarist, but... yeah, this is either plagiarism or a really blatant homage, take your pick.
For those who care, Colin Farrell is more than tolerable, and Johnny Depp gets less than a minute of screen time roughly 5 minutes from the end.
Other than that, and the abundance of CGI, "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" isn't the worst thing I've ever seen. The period setting in New York works well, and I expect American Harry Potter fans will love it. But because I'm not ten years old, and I loathe all things Harry Potter, it didn't do anything memorable for me.
As theatrical family films go, it's okay-ish. The creatures aren't very scary, and the story is easy to follow. It's just so below average in every other way that it's hardly one of this year's "must sees".
"John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time to protect Sarah Connor, but when he arrives in 1984, nothing is as he expected it to be."
I watched "Terminator Genisys" on Friday afternoon, but I'm writing my critique during the small hours of a Sunday morning and will backdate it to Saturday night. Why? Because time travel, that's why. If any of that confuses you, you probably shouldn't watch this movie, but you can still consider my introductory sentence to be a segue into yet another half-arsed review of a PG-13 Summer sci-fi/action movie which I don't really care about.
Yes, to cut a very long and convoluted story short, "Terminator Genisys" is pretty bad apart from all the 3D gimmicks, big bangs, and explosive action scenes. Fans of "The Terminator" will not be disappointed because, let's face it, if you are a true fan of this genre of craptacular spectacle then nothing anybody says will (or should) prevent you from liking it if you want to. Moviegoers who are used to such subtle things as sympathetic characterisation or a narrative which makes any bloody sense whatsoever should look elsewhere for entertainment.
The nostalgia brigade will undoubtedly be marvelling at the CGI which makes Arnold young again and then be lamenting at how old he looks in reality. The line, "Old but not obsolete!" gets repeated a number of times to make all the infantalised middle-aged men who are watching a movie meant for children feel better about their hero and themselves. I picked up on it too and thought it was sad.
Terminator Genipiss in 3D! That's not gimmicky at all!
On the plus side, the recreation of scenes from previous Terminator movies (particularly the first one) seem spot-on to me without being able to physically compare them side-by-side. Apart from Arnie, the other actors are completely different, but as continuity has never been an important factor in the Terminator series, criticism of this aspect is redundant. "Terminator Genisys" still looks the part and feels like a real Terminator movie, and it's much better action-wise than "Terminator 2: Judgment Day". I'd rather rewatch "Trancers" or "Timecop" than that kiddified shit ever again.
The action scenes and all the clever CGI nonsense in "Terminator Genisys" are actually pretty great, and there's hardly any lag in what really only amounts to a "chase movie" overall. Among the numerous tropes, the "Which one is the real one?" gag also gets played out just to remind those of us of a certain age of how many times "The Six Million Dollar Man", "The Bionic Woman", and even "The Gemini Man" TV shows pulled the same thing back in the day. Lazy writing, clearly, but this is only another typical Summer cash-grab after all. "Iron-Man 3" was much worse, so bite me (to coin a phrase).
It's not worth trying to get your head around how the alternative timeline doesn't match up to anything already known, negates the majority of the other sequels, and won't ever provide an answer to the paradoxes about how and why John Connor can be conceived by a couple who are in the wrong time for him to reach the right age to be a leader in the future war with Cyberdyne or Skynet (or whatever the hell it is), but then again, maybe he's no longer meant to exist. I can't work it out, and I really don't care that much to try to. It's all a load of horseshit anyway.
One ironic quirk is that Matt Smith from "Doctor Who" turns up in a small but important role which made me almost chuckle. I absolutely loathe the "Doctor Who" episodes which he starred in (not only because I'm a David Tennant fan), and in my opinion, none of them make any sense either. It's not Matt Smith's fault but the writers, of course, yet it provides an unfortunate in-joke for those of us in agreement about the matter.
Nerdy computer users waiting for Microsoft's much anticipated Windows 10 on July 29th will also grin at how the Genisys operating system is worked into the storyline, but all I could think of was how "Genesis" is spelled wrong and has nothing to do with the Sega Megadrive. Didn't get the last part? It's a Brit thing, don't worry about it.
Yes, she gets nude again. No, you don't see anything.
Ultimately, the best thing which "Terminator Genisys" has going for it is the chance to see Daenerys Targaryen from "Game of Thrones" as a brunette. Emilia Clarke is a worthy new Sarah Connor in that she's much better than Linda Hamilton but not quite as strong as Lena Headey. Yes, I really liked "The Sarah Connor Chronicles", and I'm still pissed off that it was cancelled.
Emilia's acting abilities aside, she reminds me a lot of Danielle Harris from certain angles but much sexier. She kind of gets nude too, but you don't see anything because this is a PG-13. Boo! Mind you, I'm sure there'll be a porn parody. "Sperminator Genitalpiss" anyone?
But that's quite enough of that. You can watch "Terminator Genisys" in 3D or 2D theatrically if you want, or save your money for the Blu-ray or DVD later in the year. You won't miss anything important by waiting.
"Terminator Genisys" is a polished turd, but it's still a turd like every other theatrical release so far this year. It makes me glad that I'm not reviewing movies anymore.
I'm still ill so I watched season four of "Torchwood" on Netflix. I didn't even know that there even was a season four until I clicked on the link by accident as I gave up on everything "Doctor Who" related after David Tennant left and was replaced by that bow-tied gonk.
"Torchwood", however, has always been aimed at adults and, since it has often contained some borderline horror scenarios among all the bullshit sci-fi adventuring, I thought I'd better watch the entire ten-hour movie in one go.
Yes, unlike all the other seasons of "Torchwood", this one really did look and feel like an extremely dragged out movie. I didn't get too bored with it but I'm sure the story could have been told in half the time with no detrimental effects.
It also needed to have more Gwen in it. Call me superficial, but Eve Myles is my main reason for ever watching "Torchwood" in the first place. Although she makes me happy, she makes me sad at the same time too. I suppose it must be love.
The things which make me happy when I'm watching Eve Myles play Gwen Cooper should be obvious to everyone. Just look at her! She's gorgeous and everso slightly rough enough around the edges to almost be obtainable. Unfortunately, her character is inconsistent and bizarrely married to the loutish Rhys (AKA "Backstory Barry") who I find pointless and can't stand. Every interaction that she has with the moron makes my flesh crawl.
But enough of that. You probably want to know what "Miracle Day" was about, don't you? Well, basically, death was taken out of the world in a "Twilight Zone" fashion. Everybody had immortality without health or eternal youth, as in "The Asphyx" (1973) or the Greek myth of Tithonus, apart from Captain Jack Harkness who became mortal instead.
It was a great idea but I couldn't help but feel like I'd seen it all before especially with Owen Harper's story in season two. To be completely blunt about it, the brief glimpses into how the world was changing, outside of any hospital scenes with all their gore, didn't really work either.
I liked that some movie actors were involved in this including Bill Pullman, C. Thomas Howell, and the guy who played "Q" in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" whose name I can never remember, but not enough was made of any of them really. Bill Pullman played a convicted paedophile and murderer who had been saved from execution by the "miracle" and did a great job in places, but far too much emphasis was placed on the limited TV actors around him which restricted his performance, not that he's ever been the greatest actor in the world either.
As usual for "Torchwood" there was an abundance of gay sex, gay innuendoes, and, just John Barrowman being even more gay than the bisexuality originally intended for his character. Another thing which Russell T. Davies always does which annoys the piss out of me is setting up characters as the "Emperor's new clothes" and getting others to praise their physical beauty when they clearly have none. Some of the lines used to achieve that end were absolutely cringeworthy.
Apart from that, it was all as predictable as you can imagine. Captain Jack was, ultimately, both responsible for the miracle and, of course, its solution with various flashbacks to explain it all. John Barrowman was really looking his age too but there was one flippant remark which indicated that he was supposed to be in his forties now so I'm forced to let that plothole slide. Maybe being mortal for a few days aged him? Watching ten episodes of "Torchwood" back-to-back certainly aged me.
I really hope that there isn't a fifth season of "Torchwood" as it can only get worse now especially as it's become very American and lost most of its gritty British charm as a result.
