The Hamiltons (2006)

"The Hamiltons seem to be an ordinary American family, living in a small town in Northern California and dealing with the problems of everyday life. They've also been recently adjusting to the untimely death of their parents. David Hamilton, the oldest, has taken it upon his shoulders to pick up the responsibility for the orphaned family. Twins Wendell and Darlene are darker than the other two siblings and have become more conniving in the past few months. The youngest and most sensitive of the family is Francis. Francis recently found an old video camera his parents owned, and is using it to work on a school project about his family. It's through Francis' eyes that we soon get to know the Hamiltons and realize that there are much more disturbing elements lurking below the surface of 'ordinary'."

First of all it has nothing to do with a certain Diddy DJ from Radio Two or those awful wannabe celebrity people that Louis Theroux interviewed. No, this was even worse!

There were hardly any gore scenes although a lot was implied, the camerawork was all over the place and very distracting, and not one of the cast seemed to know how to act. The back story of the family was given with a voiceover at the start and that always annoys me too... but even more disappointment was to come.

It tried to be a cross between the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and a "thinking man's horror" but was just very slow and crap. It also had the potential for some "Hostel"-like torture moments but none of that was realised and the couple of sexy scenes were hardly envigorating either. Even the gothicky looking sister did nothing for me.

When I looked this up on the IMDb, the only horrific thing that this film provided was that so many people seem to like it. Even as an independent film it's still scraping the bottom of the barrel. "The Hamiltons" was, of course, one of the "8 movies to die for" that got so hyped by Fangoria (among others) because of the "After Dark Horror Fest". If this was really a movie to die for then kill me now and put me out of my misery because I don't want to see the other 7!!!

Spoiler for ya: They turn out to be vampires and the thing locked up in the cupboard is just a chubby little boy who is their younger brother.

Just don't bother watching it. It's crap. My rating: 0 out of 10.