Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

"In this spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past."

Sometimes there's nothing wrong with a bit of low-brow, action-horror full of CGI if you're in the right mood for it, and that's precisely what you get with "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters".

Directed by Norwegian Tommy Wirkola, who was also responsible for the dreadful and vastly overrated "Dead Snow" (2009), "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" continues his love for over-the-top gore and allows him to throw in some light-hearted touches which make it a rather fun experience if you are the kind of person who can switch off your brain enough to enjoy the ride. It's not a movie which will stand up to any kind of critical deconstruction because it's predictable as can be and contains so many anachronisms that it makes "Van Helsing" look like a historical documentary in comparison.

Of course, it's impossible to say anything about "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" without mentioning "Van Helsing" (2004). Both movies are firmly in the "fantasy action adventure" category, they look almost identical, and, to be honest, if it hadn't been for Stephen Sommers, I doubt that this genre of movies would still have a market. There really are some people who actually like "Van Helsing" and, presumably, the Paramount and MGM executives have been looking for a way to emulate Universal's cash grab for some time. Thus, "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" has similarly cool weaponry, wire work, and CGI in bucket loads. What it does differently, however, is up the violence and profanities. It's also a lot quicker over the ground.

Don't go into this thinking that you are going to see the quintessential dramatisation of the "Hansel and Gretel" fairytale or you will be severely disappointed. That part is dealt with so quickly that it's almost shameful. There are so many ways that it should have been lengthened to show the kids being tortured and force fed by the cannibal witch that I'm sure someone will do precisely that eventually to redress the balance. The Brothers Grimm are probably spinning in their graves at the liberties which have been taken here.

"Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" isn't really a film that's either about kids (except as a plot point) or for kids anyway. It's only meant to be a throwaway, January, popcorn flick which showcases the talents of Jeremy Renner ("Hawkeye" from "The Avengers") and gorgeous Gemma Arterton (from "The Disappearance of Alice Creed") as they get into some severe badassery in an overblown 3D pop video. As someone who has already learned to expect very little from Paramount and MGM, I can't say that there's anything wrong with them making a film like this at all. I'm only surprised that they didn't wait to release it during the Summer.

While "Haweye" and "Alice" turn in some fairly decent and potty-mouthed performances, this isn't a film that's concerned about acting or characterisation so much as it is about stunts, automatic weapons, and spectacle. It easily excels in all three of the latter and makes an ideal replacement for the "Underworld" franchise. Just like "Underworld: Awakening" (2012), you really need to see it in 3D for the full experience even though the gimmicky effects are too fast and too dark in some places.

For me, Famke Janssen stands out the most as Muriel the evil witch, but that's probably because I'm biased and fancy her even with her horror face on. Your mileage may vary especially with Pihla Viitala looking equally lovely as the good witch Mina. It's a pity that Ingrid Bolsø Berdal isn't allowed to have a glamorous moment, but that's karma paying her back for being in "Chernobyl Diaries" which I still haven't managed to get through. If I want to see Ingrid looking hot, I'll just rewatch "Cold Prey" anyway.

I would like to say something good about Derek Mears (Jason Voorhees from the "Friday the 13th" remake) as Edward the troll, but I can't. I'm not sure how much of his costume is practical and how much is enhanced with CGI, but it's not really important. Either way, his character is rather pointless after one scene and isn't a million miles away from being a clone of the Frankenstein monster from "Van Helsing".

A lot of stuff is shot against a green screen which makes a bit of a mockery of the location filming in Germany, but to give credit where it's due, the forest and faux mediaeval village setting look perfect. If you want all the "smoke and mirrors" spoiled for you, watch the video below.



I highly recommend "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" particularly to "horror-lite" fans. If you fancy a bit of instantly forgettable fun this weekend, you could do a lot worse. At the very least, it's a mainstream theatrical release which delivers a substantial amount of adrenaline-pumping entertainment.

Red Riding Hood (2011)

"Set in a medieval village that is haunted by a werewolf, a young girl falls for an orphaned woodcutter, much to her family's displeasure.

With the final part of "The Twilight Saga" getting nearer every day, I thought I'd better have a look at some of the spin-offs before reviewing "Breaking Dawn Part 1" and, eventually, "Breaking Dawn Part 2". I know that "Red Riding Hood" came out over a year ago, but I had no great interest in watching it until earlier today.

Despite being directed by Catherine Hardwicke and having a kind of "Twilight"-style love triangle, boys baring their chests, and, of course, Billy Burke playing another father, this wasn't even half as good as "Twilight". It didn't even enough cringeworthy moments for haters to poke fun at. "Red Riding Hood" was just bland.

Even though it was beautifully filmed and the village in the woods started off looking a little bit like the one in Neil Jordan's "The Company of Wolves" (1984), it simply didn't have the same attention to detail. The costumes were nice, but modern American accents never work well in European fairytales for some reason.

Obviously sharing the same fairytale at the heart of the story would cause anyone who had seen "The Company of Wolves" to notice several similarities, but, with "Red Riding Hood" really being just another PG-13 rated werewolf story, it wasn't nearly as interesting as its slightly more adult predecessor. With hardly any werewolf action, I found it to be quite a struggle to stay awake through.

I know a lot of people would only have watched this because they fancy Amanda Seyfried. I can assure you that that she wasn't the attraction for me since I think she looks like a blonde frog with her bulgy eyes, tiny chin and constantly bowed head which makes her look up all the time. I suppose she's pretty in an odd way, but she does nothing for me. I didn't like her in "Jennifer's Body" (2009), and I don't even remember her from "In Time" (2011). As Valerie in "Red Riding Hood", she was hardly my idea of the famous fairytale character who I've always thought of as being a lot younger than a twenty-six year old pretending to be a teenager.

I can't really say that Amanda Seyfried did a bad job in the movie as the script undoubtedly killed any desire to act for everyone involved. Like most of these "period" fantasies, it was just another chance to play dress-up, say a few lines, and take the paycheck for doing so.

Only Gary Oldman tried to do something with his part, but he came across as inconsistent with it. I'm sure he realised exactly what a mess he'd got himself into by accepting the role of a werewolf-hunter in a movie meant for little kids and just didn't know what to do for the best other than play it straight. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to make the character more unhinged, but the words weren't there for him to play with.

The two "boys" in the love triangle with Valerie, Shiloh Fernandez as Peter and Max Irons as Henry, could really only be described as "Dull and Duller". I have to give Jeremy Irons credit though for giving his son such a great porn star name should he ever realise that real acting isn't exactly his forte. Joking aside, Shiloh Fernandez was slightly more interesting than Jacob or Edward from "Twilight", but there wasn't much in it.

It was nice to see Virginia Madsen from "Candyman" (1992) in her small role as Valerie's mother. She was easily the best looking woman in this movie, and I can't believe that she's over fifty now! Time flies, doesn't it?

It's not even worth more than just mentioning Lukas Haas as Father Auguste or Julie Christie as Valerie's grandmother because they were barely on screen long enough to register their presence. I think Julie Christie only had three lines.

There was nothing exciting in "Red Riding Hood" whatsoever. The CGI werewolf looked really good and fitted into its surroundings extremely well, but there simply weren't enough interactions with it. Even when it killed a few villagers, there was only the aftermath to see and not even that much blood at the scene of the crimes. This was hardly a horror movie.

The mystery of the werewolf's identity was revealed in more of a "Scooby Doo" way than something you could ever guess at from clues in the story so "Red Riding Hood" failed to deliver a basket of goodies there either.

"Red Riding Hood" failed as a romance, a horror movie, a mystery or even any kind of decent retelling of the fairytale. I wish I hadn't wasted my time watching it now, but at least I have the pleasure of hurling it into "The Dungeon".

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

"In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen."

You probably know me well enough by now that you may have expected me to review "Snow White: A Tale of Terror" (1997) instead of this recent, even more kiddie-friendly, PG-13 crapfest. I'm not going to disappoint you either since I'm definitely going to mention it a few times.

To begin with, though, there are a ton of questions still going through my mind after just watching this CGI-fuelled Summer abomination which I have to get out of the way.

Who in their right mind thought that Kristen Stewart would make a good Snow White? As much as I liked her as Bella in "Twilight", she just doesn't have the right looks for the part. I'm not being mean for the sake of being funny (or a bitch) especially as I would certainly not kick her out of bed to get to a packet of Hobnobs, but, seriously, is the world now that short of beautiful actresses that the only one they could find for the role was Kristen Stewart? Were there no English actresses who could've been better in the role and who would've used their own accents?

Of course, being a big admirer of Monica Keena in the previous "Snow White" TV-horror-movie may have left me a bit prejudiced. Even so, was Liv Tyler, Anne Hathaway or any other dark-haired and pale-skinned beauty not considered? I can't actually think of any well known British actresses apart from Michelle Ryan who would have been better suited to the role but, back in the day, Gina McKee would have been my choice for sure.

And what was the deal with Chris Hemsworth channelling Gerard Butler's accent? For the love of God, he's an Aussie and has started to look increasingly more like a monkey with every year since he left "Home and Away". How was he thought of as romantic leading man material? Was this the best that the producers could come up with to sell the movie to all the "Thor" fans (who probably didn't even notice that his hammer was now an axe) or, even worse, the tweenagers who thought that "The Cabin in the Woods" was the scariest and most groundbreaking horror movie ever. Give me a break!

I have to say something about the "dwarves" too. In case you didn't realise it, none of them were actually dwarves. Instead, they were made up of a collection of Britain's oldest and ugliest character actors who are all long since past their sell by date. Did you recognise Bob Hoskins in that group? No? Me neither until I looked up the cast list. How time flies and how sad it is that we all get older. But weren't any real "little people" available? What about Shorty Rossi and his crew? Maybe they were all too busy rescuing pitbulls to do a real acting job. Yeah, right.

Of course, the biggest flaw in the whole fiasco was casting Charlize Theron as the evil queen. Although she was a million times more beautiful than Sigourney Weaver (except in "Galaxy Quest" where that blonde wig made her uber hot), she really can't act. Based on her performance as Ravenna in "Snow White and the Huntsman", she can't speak very quickly either. Of course, that wasn't the only reason why the movie felt like it was at least two hours too long.

The bottom line is that, in spite of all the "big names" used to sell this junk, it was, basically, dull. It was as bland as watching Milla Jovovich in "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc" (1999), and I'll be damned if it didn't turn into that very same movie at the end!

I could rant about this all day but, let's face it, apart from a couple of scenes, it's not a horror movie and I'm far from being the target audience for this kind of thing. I hated everything about "The Lord of the Rings" too so the chances are that this may have been a similar looking masterpiece which has gone way over my head. I highly doubt it though.

Since Charlize Theron was the only good reason to watch "Snow White and the Huntsman", I recommend that you watch her lookalike Christine Guldbrandsen (who represented Norway in the Eurovision Song Contest 2006) appropriately singing "Alvedansen" instead. As it's all about her looks, you'll get the same pleasure and save yourself $10. Enjoy!

Cadaverella (2007)

"Cinder has troubles. She has a wicked step-stripper for a mom. Her prince charming is a complete psycho. Her fairy godmother is actually a voodoo god. And worst of all she's been murdered. But Cinder doesn't intend to let a little thing like being dead stop her. She has places to go and people to kill. And she only has until midnight."

This is another low-budget film that I initially saw for free on Zone Horror in the UK. It's also available as part of a Mill Creek "Pendulum Pictures" 50 movie pack now but you'd be better off buying the full DVD.

"Cadaverella" is total sexploitation. Don't expect it to be the greatest film you've ever seen (because it isn't) but as a very vulgar comedy-horror version of the Cinderella story it quite amused me. They even use the English expression, "Bollocks!" which I thought I'd never hear in an American independent movie.

The narration was perhaps the funniest part but Megan Goddard is quite impressive as the lead and has a fantastic little body which reminded me in a lot of ways of the cute French popstar Alizee Jacotay. She hasn't been in anything else since though which is a shame.

I'll give it 4 out of 10 for being as sick and bloody as the real Grimm fairytale of Ashenputtel. I can't really give it any more as it is only just over an hour long and some of the editing could have been better.

Timothy and Jennifer Friend (also known as Big Atom Productions) have gone on to make a few more independent films in the last three years which vary in quality. This debut was pretty slick though. I liked it.