Amityville 1992: It's About Time (1992)

"Jacob Sterling brings home a mysterious clock from the infamous Amityville house, not knowing that it's haunted by demonic spirits."

This is one of the three straight-to-video Amityville horror movies which I still don't own on DVD and never will because they are all so crap. It's hard to believe that this was from the director of "Hellbound: Hellraiser 2" or that the screenplay was based on a book by the author of "The Amityville Horror Part II".

In fact, if I hadn't found this full movie accidentally on YouTube (above), I would most certainly have never watched it again not even to write a review for this blog. There are some absolutely terrible movies which, in my own little world, simply do not exist because they are so awful and this counts as at least two of them.

There are no good reasons to watch "Amityville 1992" unless you are that hard up to see some middle-aged boobies. Even they are only in shot for a few seconds. As attractive as the owner of those boobies, former Miss Carolina Shawn (yes, it's a girl's name here apparently) Weatherly, may be, the only actress you really want to see get nudie is Megan Ward and she keeps everything covered up.

Honest to God, it's more trouble than it's worth to endure this lacklustre and confusing tale about a possessed clock (which messes around with some family relationships for no reason whatsoever) just to be cheated out of the fun stuff which was thrown in as one of the most annoying teases in the whole Amityville franchise.

Yes, there are a couple of extremely bloody scenes, a load of black goop, and a teenage boy with raging hormones who ends up being melted and sucked down a drain, but all these things sound way better than they actually are. Seeing a microphone being lifted out of shot on at least three occasions is more interesting.

With hardly any atmosphere, no chemistry between the actors, characters so one-dimensional that they barely register, this is a film that should have been all about the jump scares, but there aren't any of those either. The only good scenes are with Peaches, the dog, and even those are below average.

There's no motivation for any of the stuff which happens to be happening, none of the relationships between the characters make any sense, and it's just a complete mess with an ending which will leave you none the wiser.