The Top Ten Nastiest Dogs

As hopefully everybody knows by now, I'm proud to be obsessed with cats in horror movies rather than filthy, stinking dogs. Let's face it, the internet is virtually made of cats, most horror fans are owned by cats, and felines crop up in far more horror movies than their canine counterparts.

Having worked for an SPCA (where I fed, watered, cleaned, and walked hundreds of abandoned dogs round and round in circles every day for over a year), I might not particularly like dogs, but I'd never be cruel to any of the dumb, gluttonous creatures.

Still, as far as I'm concerned, dogs are no better than farm animals and should be kept outside. Dog owners' houses always reek even worse than if they had small children or kept pigs inside. Ugh! Then there's the constant drooling, begging for attention, food, and exercise... and that's usually from the owner's themselves.

If you ever needed a reason not to have a dog, here's a quick top ten list of the nastiest dogs in horror.


1. Cujo (1983)

In easily the most famous horror movie featuring a dog, a once friendly St. Bernard named Cujo contracts rabies and traps Donna Trenton (Dee Wallace) and her son in their car. He can't help it, he's sick.


2. Man's Best Friend (1993)

Max, a genetically-mutated Tibetan Mastiff, escapes from the laboratory which created him. He soon changes from being an intelligent and lovable pet into a ferocious weapon of mass destruction who kills anything in his path.


3. The Omen (1976)

Provided as a canine protector for antichrist Damien Thorn (Harvey Stephens), who is himself born of a jackal, this Rottweiler certainly looks and acts the part.


4. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

An innkeeper's dog saves a woman from being bitten by a bat which is, in fact, Count Dracula in disguise. Angry at losing his meal, Dracula bites the woman's saviour and turns Zoltan into a bloodthirsty vampire.


5. Resident Evil (2002)

What could be scarier than a mutated Doberman Pinscher? Seven mutated Doberman Pinschers, of course. Fortunately, Alice (Milla Jovovich) takes care of all of them.


6. Pet Sematary II (1992)

Having been shot and killed by his owner's sadistic step-father (Clancy Brown), it's not long before Zowie comes back "wrong".


7. Baxter (1989)

In this bleak French comedy-horror, a disturbed Bull Terrier named Baxter develops aggressive and murderous behaviour in his attempt to be adopted by another family.


8. Dogs (1976)

After being exposed to experimental pheromones, a pack of dogs goes on a bloody killing spree in a small Californian town.


9. The Thing (1982)

A shapeshifting alien disguised initially as a Husky causes a whole lot of deadly trouble for a team of Antarctic scientists.


10. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

The human-faced Boxer dog in this sci-fi/horror is more frightening than it may seem, especially when you think about the implications of how it got to be that way.


Bonus: Cabin Fever (2002)


There's a really bad German Shepherd in Eli Roth's gruesome black comedy. Dr. Mambo menaces the students for some time before viciously attacking Marcy (Cerina Vincent).


Remember, don't adopt a dog if you aren't going to look after it properly!

Pets are for life, both yours and theirs.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Amityville 1992: It's About Time (1992)

"Jacob Sterling brings home a mysterious clock from the infamous Amityville house, not knowing that it's haunted by demonic spirits."

This is one of the three straight-to-video Amityville horror movies which I still don't own on DVD and never will because they are all so crap. It's hard to believe that this was from the director of "Hellbound: Hellraiser 2" or that the screenplay was based on a book by the author of "The Amityville Horror Part II".

In fact, if I hadn't found this full movie accidentally on YouTube (above), I would most certainly have never watched it again not even to write a review for this blog. There are some absolutely terrible movies which, in my own little world, simply do not exist because they are so awful and this counts as at least two of them.

There are no good reasons to watch "Amityville 1992" unless you are that hard up to see some middle-aged boobies. Even they are only in shot for a few seconds. As attractive as the owner of those boobies, former Miss Carolina Shawn (yes, it's a girl's name here apparently) Weatherly, may be, the only actress you really want to see get nudie is Megan Ward and she keeps everything covered up.

Honest to God, it's more trouble than it's worth to endure this lacklustre and confusing tale about a possessed clock (which messes around with some family relationships for no reason whatsoever) just to be cheated out of the fun stuff which was thrown in as one of the most annoying teases in the whole Amityville franchise.

Yes, there are a couple of extremely bloody scenes, a load of black goop, and a teenage boy with raging hormones who ends up being melted and sucked down a drain, but all these things sound way better than they actually are. Seeing a microphone being lifted out of shot on at least three occasions is more interesting.

With hardly any atmosphere, no chemistry between the actors, characters so one-dimensional that they barely register, this is a film that should have been all about the jump scares, but there aren't any of those either. The only good scenes are with Peaches, the dog, and even those are below average.

There's no motivation for any of the stuff which happens to be happening, none of the relationships between the characters make any sense, and it's just a complete mess with an ending which will leave you none the wiser.

The Breed (2006)

"A group of five college kids are forced to match wits with unwelcoming residents when they fly to a deserted island for a party weekend."

For quite a few years now, I've always got anxious when encountering anything labelled as "A Wes Craven Production". It usually means one of two things, either Wes Craven couldn't be bothered to direct the film himself or it's going to be completely crap. Sometimes it means both.

In this case, Nicholas Mastandrea, a former assistant/second-unit director of Wes Craven's, got his chance to shine. Unfortunately, to put it bluntly, his effort shone for all the wrong reasons.

Before I say anything else, let me just explain that I hate dogs. Maybe hate is too strong a word but I thoroughly dislike the pointless things. After working at an SPCA for a year, being dragged round in circles by them and picking up bags of their warm shit, I really had enough of dogs to last me a lifetime. Dogs stink, eat everything in their path (including their aforementioned shit), have an IQ equivalent to that of a root vegetable, and demand far too much attention. Similarities to some of my previous girlfriends abound.

I'm not somebody who would ever be cruel to a dog but I'd never want to own one. I'm a cat person and they own me. There's no reason to have a dog unless you work on a farm or something where their instincts for herding and chewing everything might be useful. Locked up in a cage (what American's refer to as a crate) in somebody's living room is not a good life for a dog and, in my opinion, nobody should be allowed to own one if it can't live outside.

The reason that I'm telling you all this is that my previous experience with dogs had an enormous effect on my appreciation of "The Breed". I'm going to backtrack a little bit before getting to the use of dogs in the film though.

Basically, you've got Michelle Rodriquez, Oliver Hudson, Taryn Manning, Eric Lively, and Hill Harper all trying to be younger than their years and failing miserably while being menaced by a pack of feral dogs on an island.

Similarities to the opening scenes of "American Gothic" (1988) are so obvious that I'm not even going to dwell on them too much except to say that rich kids who can hire and fly planes aren't exactly anyone I can identify with. There are also a few nods to "April Fool's Day" (1986) although I expect that anything set on an island where somebody has inherited a house will seem like that.

The first noticeable big thing is that Michelle Rodriguez begins the film by trying to be pretty and feminine for once. Eventually she gives up and turns fierce again but it's not until nearly the end of the film so kudos to her for almost breaking out of her usual typecasting.

The second even more important aspect of the film is that the characters are all somewhat likeable at first especially Hill "CSI: NY" Harper as Noah who announces, "I'm a cat person!" Their actions are a little bit less stupid than those of most characters in a horror movie even if it doesn't do them a lot of good.

The real stars are, of course, the dogs. There are quite a lot of them too, mostly German Shepherd mixes (what we used to call Alsations in Britain), and all are surprisingly well trained. I have to give the animal wrangler credit for making them behave themselves but they are far from scary looking. The background story is that they are genetically altered research animals who are extra intelligent and more ferocious. Yawn! Where have we all heard that before in at least half a dozen other dog films?

Look, seriously, the only way that a dog would be extra intelligent is if you took out its brain and replaced it with jello (yes, jelly, my English friends, but it sounds funnier in American). That was strike one against this film.

Next, the dog attack scenes are beyond ridiculous when you slow down the action even more than the several times that that it's already put into slow motion for you. These dogs aren't attacking, they are playing! One particularly cruel moment involving a tan German Shepherd has the beast rolling around on the floor with his tongue hanging out in pleasure. I may not like dogs but I know how they work. Strike two.

Surprisingly, the air of menace is still reasonably well conveyed until the humans start getting picked off one by one and then it's just "zombie movie mode" all the way to the end. The film looks and feels like yet another "... of the Dead" clone/remake but with dogs instead of zombies including bites causing an infection and the very final moments.

"The Breed" is, in fact, so derivative of about a hundred other films, that it's almost the "Scream" of animal horror movies (which isn't at all surprising when you look at the director's history). Plot holes and continuity errors aside, I don't think that it has one original moment. There's even a spoken fourth-wall-breaking nod to "Cujo" (1983) which is completely unnecessary considering that most of the scenes are recognisably borrowed.

Even with all its faults, "The Breed" is still quite watchable and entertaining apart from a slightly plodding middle section. It looks and sounds good, the acting is credible, and it's not quite as superficial as it could have been.

I'm going to rate it as "average" because, although it's just not as well done as other killer dog movies, I almost forgot what I was watching a couple of times and nearly enjoyed it.