Should I start doing interviews again?

I'm not sure if I ever posted a link to DrunkethWizerd's interview with me over at "Horror Movies and Beer" last year, but if I did and you missed it, here's the URL again:

http://eerieeriksreviews.blogspot.com/2012/12/an-interview-with-dr-blood-death-of.html

As you will see, it was just a bit of fun from December, 2012, when none of us had anything better to write about, and pretty much cemented my position as one of the grumpiest horror bloggers in the world. Meh. I have discernment. I am what I am.

Over half a year on, none of my opinions have changed although I have been getting more introspective lately. As my Twitter followers already know, I'm constantly torn about packing-up the whole "blogging thing" and moving on. I've had more backlashes than Spartacus from things I've written including threats, jealousy, stalkers, and more insults than most human beings ever encounter in a lifetime. Behind the scenes of the comments approval list is a daily shitstorm of hate (and spam) which makes me despair of humankind. Thus, when I say "moving on", I actually mean deleting everything and never looking back, but for some reason I feel that would be rather wasteful. So what if people don't like me? I don't like most people, so it's just tit-for-tat.

I've written some good stuff over the years, and a lot of atrocious stuff with commas and tenses scattered so randomly that you'd never believe I spent the best part of my life at University, but that's just what happens when you treat Blogger as a MySpace replacement. I'm not the best writer in the world, but I never tried to be. I was taught one way of doing things in school only to find that a lot of the rules have changed from one English language speaking country to another, and I now spend more time second-guessing myself grammatically than saying things how I want to. If people realised how much time could be wasted on chopping and changing a blog post, they'd never do this as a hobby, and certainly wouldn't do it as a business venture. I swear I don't know why I still do this other than being a glutton for punishment.

The thing is, even though it would be hilarious for me to be interviewed by you to give you something else to post, I'm not famous in any way nor do I have any desire to be. Like everyone, I wouldn't mind having more money, but fame isn't something that I'm chasing. I'm not yearning to write for one of the big name horror sites or a horror magazine, to write a book, or to do anything with my writing at all except just to do it for the sake of doing something other than collecting my own toenail clippings in a jar. I've already done three out of the achievements that I've listed anyway (for no pay whatsoever!), and I'm already on my fourth jar.

Interviews are all well and good as long as the interviewee gives you some promotion for your own site on their blog and vice versa. More traffic is always nice no matter what causes it. In many ways, interviews with other bloggers are little more than a banner exchange-style "shout out". Unless you have a current product or service to promote, it's mostly redundant, but I've noticed that a lot more people are doing it again now. It's trendy, so I kind of want in on the action.

Maybe it's because a certain blogger who shall remain nameless (but I can barely read because of his constantly centred text and childish appreciation of little toys) announced on one his "How to be a Blogger" posts that "movie reviews are boring". The "Horror Lamers" clique then took that great authoritarian on all things "Blogger" to heart and started writing anything but movie reviews. As you may have guessed, that lost them my subscriptions immediately. I may not read many reviews, but I have absolutely no interest in cupcakes made to look like zombies or how to knit your own fangs on a supposedly "horror" blog. As for crappy cartoons about "The Addams Family" or Winona Ryder's wardrobe in "Beetlejuice", well, I think there may be something a teeny bit wrong with you upstairs if that floats your boat or it's all you've ever had to offer other people to read about.

I actually wrote a sarcastic "How to be a Successful Horror Blogger" guide myself which, considering the nature of last week's inter-species drama, turned out to be quite prophetic. I never imagined that anyone would have the balls (metaphorically speaking) to really do such a thing, but she did. I scare myself sometimes with my qualities as a visionary!

Getting back to the subject, on the flip-side of the interview thing, does anyone want me to interview them? I'll gladly do it. Truly successful blogging is all about the content, and lately, there's been precious little of it written by me or anyone else.

If you're interested, I'm offering you a chance for five minutes of "fame" on my blog. Bear in mind that you must be reasonably interesting to my other readers, not be trying to promote some lame hobby horror movie that you made yourself, nor tailor your answers into a socio-political rant which will get us both dragged off to Federal ass-pounding jail. Apart from those rules (and my hypocritically enforced PG-13 language rating to attract more pageviews), anything goes.

I've interviewed some "celebrities" in the past which a few people liked, but it's been years since I last did one. It's just like riding a bicycle (so I'm told), so don't be put off. Let's face it, writing questions and answers is easy. Transcribing audio is much worse, but I can't be bothered to do that. If I wanted to go that route I'd work out how to record Skype for yet another podcast which nobody ever listens to. There are only about a million of those to compete with.

Since I subscribe to a more global version of Alfred Hitchcock's controversial view that "all actors are cattle", I've never cared unduly about film credits or who does what behind the scenes. I'm all about the story being told and how well it's being told rather than anyone being famous for being in that story. Other than knowing the names of the most obvious talents and mechanics, it may disappoint you that I don't have an up-to-date encyclopedic knowledge of all members of the horror genre. I wouldn't know who to contact or who really falls into the "horror celebrity" category now that so many lines have been blurred by age, careers ending, and social networking. We all go to the toilet, so nobody is that special just because they have more money or fame than someone else. I'll talk to anyone no matter how big or small they think they are.

I'm therefore leaving this offer open to ANYONE (apart from my boggle-eyed, goggle-eyed stalker) who wishes to be either an interviewer or an interviewee. Of course, because no payment is being asked for or offered, this may not come to anything at all. It all depends on you. The ball, as they say, is in in your court. Leave a comment below or feel free to talk to me about it on Twitter.

How to use a HP56 ink cartridge instead of a HP21

As you know, I sometimes like to use this blog to talk about other things besides horror movies. This is one of those times.

What you may not know is that I absolutely loathe Hewlett Packard and all of its products. I'm not too keen on their employees either after one of the morons insulted me for no good reason when I was simply trying to earn a few bob by working for a security firm at one of their warehouses back in the early '90s. Actually, it's probably entirely because of that idiot that I've hated Hewlett Packard ever since. I had enough to put up in my life with without that douchebag getting gobby in an attempt to compensate for his own inadequacies. It may have been a long time ago, but I don't forgive or forget anybody ever.

Now I have another good reason to despise Hewlett Packard, i.e. the way they try to rip off their customers with the price of ink cartridges. To be specific, the HP56 has three times the ink of the HP21, is exactly the same size and shape externally, but costs less than a HP21 and won't work in any printer designed for a HP21 cartridge.

Having been unfortunate enough to acquire one of their "budget" printer/scanner/copier machines, I tend to run out of ink in the thing pretty often. So I thought I'd buy a HP56 cartridge a couple of years ago on the advice of a Wal-mart associate who actually had no idea what he was talking about. Of course it didn't work although I even took the stupid thing back once for an exchange thinking that it might be a badly manufactured cartridge. The replacement didn't work either, and I was too ashamed to go back to Wal-mart again even though I could barely afford to waste the money. I'm a good customer and never return things because of my own stupid mistakes.

Suffice it to say that the HP56 cartridge remained in my closet wrapped up in cling film (saran wrap) for the last two years, and I continued to buy the occasional HP21s instead. Finding myself without ink for the last 6 months, in desperation, I finally decided to attempt an experiment.

Basically, I cracked open my old HP21 cartridge and the unused HP56 to see what was inside. There's nothing special except a sponge, but the HP56 fills the whole cartridge case while the HP21 has a plastic barrier moulded inside and only holds a sponge which is a third of the size. You can guess what I was thinking, right? Just swap the sponge.

Ripoff version of the HP56 with a smaller sponge inside.

Here's how to save at least $40.

1. Pop the tops of the new cartridge and the old one with a screwdriver. Work the tip of the screwdriver carefully around the edges until you hear snaps. The top of the HP21 is far easier to remove than the top of the HP56. You'll probably have to break the latter. I eventually grabbed a hammer and used the screwdriver as a chisel. It doesn't matter because you'll never use the HP56 casing again anyway.

2. Hold the HP56 sponge with some cling film (or put on some disposable gloves) so you don't get ink on you, then cut it into 3 with a very sharp knife. A paring knife from the kitchen is ideal although it's best to put some cardboard under the sponge as you cut it rather than a chopping board which will stain. The ink washes off your fingers easily enough with warm soapy water, but it will stain clothing and anything else.

3. Having cut the sponge, remove the dried-up one from the HP21 and put a 1/3 of the HP56 sponge into it.

4. Snap the top back on the HP21 cartridge and put it back in your printer. It shouldn't need any glue to hold the top on, but you can do that or use sticky tape if you are a bit paranoid. The cartridge sits upright anyway and there's nothing to spill out of it.

5. Put the other 2/3 of the HP56 sponge back in its casing, wrap it up with cling film and store it somewhere for later use.



Movie reviews will recommence shortly.

How to make your own Django figure

Can't afford an overpriced NECA Django doll from greedy Amazon sellers? No? I'm not surprised. You'd have to be mental to pay over $300 for a piece of plastic which doesn't even look like Jamie Foxx and will be left to rot in its box. Anyone who is willing to spend $1700 on one should definitely seek medical help. $1700 is absolutely ridiculous!

Instead, why not use an old Palitoy Action Man "Tom Stone" figure (or, preferably, the 1974 GI Joe equivalent with a beard) and dress him up as a cowboy? Yeah, you know it makes sense.

Tom Stone kicks ass!

You will need:

1. A naked Tom Stone. (Note: I keep all my Action Men naked for reasons that you don't need to know about!) If you can't find one, search eBay for "African American GI Joe". You should be able to get one for less than $20 (or under $10 naked).

2. A vintage Action Man (or Geyper Man) Cowboy outfit from eBay. Expect to pay between $15-30 for it. You can also buy the individual items of loose cowboy clothing. Look for a jacket to replace the leather waistcoat with too. I recommend a green army jacket or the secret agent trench coat (slightly trimmed and dyed) to make your Django closer to the film version. His scarf can come from a standard Action Man soldier. Be aware that there's no whip in the Geyper Man pack (it was replaced with a rope and canteen).

3. Optional: An Action Man horse (which is hard to find with all its legs intact!). You don't really need one as the NECA figure doesn't have a horse anyway.

Instructions:

Simply dress your Tom Stone in the cowboy outfit.

I don't have one to show you because I'm thousands of miles away from my toy collection, so you'll just have imagine how he will look based on the picture below.

Eagle-eyed Action Man's head is obviously too big for his hat.

Although detractors will say that Tom Stone looks even less like Jamie Foxx as Django than the NECA Django figure, bear in mind that your Django will actually have a scar on his cheek. If you are a bit artistic, you can use a craft knife to shape it into a lowercase "r" for added authenticity.

Plus—and this is the big selling point—you will even get a whip with it! Oh yes, you can relive that epic scene where Django turns the tables on the bad guy and gives him a damned good thrashing!

Note: I don't know if the blue suit from the Trendmasters Austin Powers doll will fit an Action Man, but you can always try it.



Girls may also like to dress a black Barbie doll up in a maid's outfit to represent Broomhilda. I would illustrate how to do that, but the thought of Kerry Washington in a skimpy French maid's outfit (which is the only one I found on Google images) is something which I'd rather keep in my own sordid imagination.

How To Survive Scary Situations

This has been floating around the internet for years now in one form or another but, after cutting and pasting together all the different versions, I believe that this is the definitive guide. I had it on my website for so long that I have no idea where I originally got it all from. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy!

• When it seems that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take some time to kill them, so be prepared.
• When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately, if you value your life.
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
• Do not take anything from the dead.
• If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
• If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
• Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
• Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
• If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
• Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
• Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast member to survive. Therefore stay with them.
• The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat. (This is similar to the war movie rule about the guy with the picture of his fiancee.)
• The guy with the testosterone overdose is usually dead meat.
• If any of your companions (male and female) are on elevators that don't reach the top floor, stay away from them. They are dead meat.
• When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!
• Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
• Never walk down a hallway lined with slightly open doors.
• If your friend gets nailed by the killer, don't just stand around and scream over your loss; run away.
• Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
• Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
• Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.
• You're going to be mad at this one but do as your parents asked and stay a virgin. Have sex and you die, it's the sin element in it.
• If you happen to be in a graveyard, abandoned house, or any other spooky place and a black cat comes out of no where acting overly friendly, kill the little bastard. As for the demonic children, this could take a while.
• Beware of talking or overly life-like toys and/or dolls. You saw what happened with Chuckie.
• Don't mess around with dead flesh to create a monster of sorts. If you succede it will ultimately turn on you and kill you.
• If you are a well-endowed female, you'll be the first one to die, especially if you take your clothes off.
• If you run a hotel in the middle of nowhere and a strange man comes to it and is very jumpy and seems to be in a hurry something terrible is going to happen.
• Never pick up a stranger if he or she looks like Santa Claus.
• If trees or other inanimate objects begin to eat your children, collect the remaining children and leave immediately.
• If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any colour) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
• If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.
• If your parents tell you that there is no need to worry, that there is no such thing as monsters, do not believe them. Go! Do not stay to save them, they are doomed no matter what you do.
• If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
• If you come to a small town and all the residents stare at you and act very strange, do not stop for the night. Trying to save the one person who seems normal and very frightened is a waste of time.
• If all the residents of a town or neighbourhood tell you that a house is haunted and that anyone spending the night there dies horribly... Believe them!
• Making love in the woods at night is a sure path to a bloody death.
• At night, in creepy, foggy woods, that rustling in the bushes is NOT a bunny rabbit.
• No matter how good a friend he/she was, once they become one of the undead, they will try to kill you (and probably eat your flesh).
• Always check the back seat of your car!
• The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hellgate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Don't relax.
• Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign.
• If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
• If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
• Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
• Never accept anything from a soon to be executed homicidal maniac. Also, don't accept organ/body part transplants from recently executed homicidal maniacs.
• Here's the scene: The locals are all terrified. Strange deaths, etc. One person is calm, suave, and probably elegant. The locals are terrified of this person, yet strangely deferential. If this person refers to the locals as unsophisticated, rustic, or small minded, then this IS the monster/monster controller/monster summoner.
• If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let them get behind you. They have joined the other team.
• As long as there are still three or more of your group alive, you are in danger. You are still potential cannon fodder. With two of you alive, your chances improve. If you are the last one standing, you may have some close calls, but your chances of survival skyrocket.
• Never, ever, ever, open up a canister, container, box or other reseptical labeled US ARMY/NAVY RESEARCH PROJECT TOP SECRET! CHEMICAL CONTAMINANT.
• If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them THEY ARE NOT NORMAL!
• After you kill the maniac, don't stand anywhere near the body and don't drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) they are not dead; and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again.
• Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.
• Kill the greedy person in the group. They will eventually get you killed.
• Never, make fun of the local yocal's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns you can bet they are real and you might get it angry.
• Never be the only holyman/woman in the group, you will either lose your faith and get killed or you will sacrifice yourself for the others and die.
• Never follow the selfish/pompus holyman/woman in your group they will lead you to your death.
• Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.
• If the female or male in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight.
• Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
• Nothing is ever over if it is still night time.
• If it seems like you have awaken from a horrible nightmare chances are you are still in grave danger.
• Please take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
• If you are drunk and hit the local gypsy/fortune teller/rumored witch with your car you might as well check it in because your own hideous death is sure to follow.
• Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
• If a monster/maniac is chasing you, never try to get the police involved, Either they won't believe you or worse, they will lock you up and you will not be able to run when the thing finds out where you are.
• The police/authorities never save the day and if they do, look out because they are the killers/monsters and the thing you were running from was just a distraction.
• Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. If you do this, YOU WILL HAVE NOT FUTURE.
• Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.
• Avoid the following places at all costs: Haddonfield (Michael Myers), Springwood (Freddy Krueger), and Crystal Lake (Jason Voorhees).
• Don't waste bullets on a monster thats far away. You'll always miss.
• When you make friends with some one make sure you know their past. And meet their parents. If you don't they might be the psycho killer/monster. And they'll try to kill you in the end.
• Don't trust ANYONE! You never know who could be the bad guy.
• If you're a teenager, don't go camping with your friends. Better, do not make any friends.
• Do not ever choose archaeology as a profession. do not get involved with those who did.
• If you are pregnant and your husband's been acting strange, LEAVE TOWN FAST, go far away.
• Never eat or drink anything given to you by little old ladies, especially if it smells of strange herbs.
• Do not ever wear jewellery you find.
• If all your friends are dead and there's only 2 of you left, either you both will survive or the girl will survive on her own.
• The Blair Witch taught us that you should never camp in the woods without experience.