Ghost Shark (2013)

"It's a shark that's a ghost. Need anything else?"

A lot of people avoid reviewing "Syfy Original" movies, and after watching "Ghost Shark", I can see why. Not only is this one not a patch on "Sharknado", but it doesn't even try to be anything better. "Ghost Shark" is just a lazy piece of made-for-TV filmmaking with no redeeming qualities other than the silliness of its premise and several blatant homages to "Jaws".

Knowing that there's nobody in "Ghost Shark" who I've ever heard of apart from morbidly obese Shawn C. Phillips (aka "Coolduder" from YouTube) should have been my warning not to proceed any further once the "good stuff" in the opening five-minute scene was over, but I foolishly left it playing for company as I clipped my toenails and arranged them in jars. It has to be done, and I came to the conclusion a long time ago that this is the best use for Syfy channel movies anyway.

As expected, the acting in "Ghost Shark" is all over the place, from feeble to mediocre, and the youngest-looking girl mumbles her lines so badly that the movie would benefit from subtitles. For obvious reasons including the budget and casting choices, it looks and feels like a glorified YouTube video, albeit one filmed with high-end equipment. The cheap gore effects and CGI are the only things which are somewhat entertaining in spite of themselves, but this isn't an intentionally made to be "so bad it's good" movie, it's just plain bad.

As usual, there are no characters to care about, the clichéd "teenagers" (several of whom are pushing 30 in real life!) are annoyingly entitled and selfish, and the adults aren't any better. The story is so rushed that none of them are given any time to grieve over their best friends or relatives who've been eaten by the ghost shark, but I doubt that they'd even know how to display those emotions if they were given the chance to.

You're going to need a bigger shed!

The scenes with the ghost shark go from mildly credible (considering the nature of the story) to ludicrous as this Great White doesn't remain in the sea. Taking things several steps too far, our piscine villain pops up in a freshwater swimming pool, comes out of burst pipes, and even leaps out of the rain! Yes, "Ghost Shark" really does exploit the term "jumping the shark" quite literally, which I suppose is kind of the point.

I'm not sure who the target audience is for this crap, but it certainly isn't me. Although I admit to being out of touch with "kids today" and what passes for entertainment in their ADHD world, I don't understand why or how these Syfy movies keep getting made for the two or three hundred people who watch them. I don't think I'll be watching any more.

Durr dumb... durr dumb...

We Are the Night (2010)

(AKA "Wir sind die Nacht")



"In Berlin, a cop closes in on an all-female vampire trio who just took in a new member, Lena."

Actually, the synopis for this movie would be better written as: "A blonde MILF, a hot brunette, and a cute brunette who are all fauxminist German vampires adopt a much plainer ginger one. A cop who wants to arrest Ginger and her murderous new companions also wants to be her boyfriend. Blondie has an unrequited lesbian crush on Ginger. Much merriment ensues until each vampire dies."

In a nutshell, that's all there is to "We Are the Night". It's just like every other vampire movie ever made but with most of its inspiration coming from "Near Dark" (1987) and a couple of scenes from "Night of the Comet" (1984). Wags might refer to it as "The Lost Girls" one day, even though it doesn't homage "The Lost Boys" (1987) in any way except for being about vampires and being very '80s in all but setting. Some people might see a lick of "The Craft" (1996) about it too, but I didn't.

"We Are the Night" isn't a totally boring movie despite having hardly any kills or sexiness; it's just generic and horribly dubbed (if you only have that version). There are a lot of "Woohoo! Girl Power!" moments for the man-hating idiots out there who would be better off learning how to apply make-up or cook than wasting their time reviewing horror movies, but obviously none of these things did anything for me. I want horror from my horror movies!

"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want."

Jumping out of aeroplanea without a parachute, going to nightclubs, upsetting customers in posh restaurants, stealing high-end sports cars and driving them badly, doing late night shopping in closed department stores, or trespassing in other people's swimming pools might be fun to see in a movie if you're a teenager, but my list of what these vampire chicks do sounds a lot more exciting than what's shown on screen. It must be incredibly boring to be vampire, if that's all you can do. So says a man who spends his nights watching crappy horror movies like this and blogging about them. Oh my God, my life sucks as much as theirs!

The only part of this movie which I liked was the brunette who's supposed to have been a silent movie star before being turned. She's incredibly hot and vicious with it! I think her character is called Charlotte, although it could be different in the German language version for all I know. Obviously, I had to look up that she's played by Jennifer Ulrich because I've never seen of the actresses or actors in "We Are the Night" before and probably won't see them in anything else in the very near future either. Look, it's German, and I don't watch many German movies due to the fact that they hardly make horror movies anymore, okay?

As a vampire flick with four alternative endings and not one good one, give or take the opening scene, "We Are the Night" makes a far better poster than a movie.

Sleep all day. Dance and go shopping all night. It's fun to be a vampire.