31 (2016)

"Five carnival workers are kidnapped and held hostage in an abandoned, Hell-like compound where they are forced to participate in a violent game, the goal of which is to survive twelve hours against a gang of sadistic clowns."

Yet another adaptation of "The Most Dangerous Game", but this time populated with the usual American white trash characters and psycho clowns which are the norm for Rob Zombie's movies. Maybe he has something against Juggalos, or maybe he likes them? I really don't know. What's far more evident is how there isn't a whole lot of anything very original about "31".

In other words, "31" is Rob Zombie's version of "Hostel" and "The Running Man" with his very beautiful wife Sheri Moon Zombie as the star, and Malcolm McDowell picking up a pay cheque for doing not very much except play dress-up and chew scenery in the background.

Jeff Daniel Phillips as Roscoe Pepper and Richard Brake as Doom-Head steal every scene they are in, but Richard Brake is the most memorable as a cross between Rorschach from "Watchmen" and a much better version of The Joker than in any of the "Batman" movies.

The rest of the cast play mostly disposable characters who exist only to be killed off before you even have time to care about them. Everyone runs around stabbing, bashing, slicing, and wielding various weapons against each other in a very satisfying manner if only this movie had been made 10 years ago. The kills aren't very inventive, but they are competently executed. Pardon the mostly intentional pun.

Malcolm McDowell punctuates all the expected blood, gore, and violence like something out of Derek Jarman's "Jubilee" (1978), but there's not really enough of him to stand out like he often does. Shame. Fan favourites Meg Foster and E.G. Daily make up for this to some extent by adding more pathos to their performances and characters than the rest of the movie actually deserves.

Minor spoiler: Sheri Moon Zombie has lovely wrists, but the open ending is annoying.

Nicely shot, "31" isn't a bad movie, and it's certainly much better at storytelling than "The Lords of Salem" (2012), but Rob Zombie's best work still begins and ends with "The Devil's Rejects" (2005).

Ex Machina (2015)

"A young programmer is selected to participate in a breakthrough experiment in artificial intelligence by evaluating the human qualities of a breathtaking female A.I."

If you are looking for a really talky but R-rated version of Steven Spielberg's "A.I. Artificial Intelligence" (2001), or just want to see Kike Maíllo's far superior "Eva" (2011) rehashed with a couple of different twists, "Ex Machina" is for you.

It's not that "Ex Machina" is a bad movie per se, since the camerawork is great, the sets and effects are perfect, and the acting is totally convincing. It's just that there isn't really a lot to this extremely slow-moving sci-fi, and there isn't enough of anything apart from some brief nudity and a nifty disco-dancing routine to make it memorable. It's definitely more of a drama than anything else, and like "Maggie", it makes you wonder if the story and its tropes couldn't have been played out on a purely human level without any gimmicks.

Why make the robot a beautiful girl? Why make her sexual? All that is explained in the dialogue at some length, and it's important to the plot, but I'm sure that the fauxminists will still bitch and whine about this aspect to get pageviews. Good luck to them. Nobody cares. It's only another movie with no deep and meaningful political agenda unless someone wants to make more out of it than they should. And sadly, with over 300 external reviews of "Ex Machina" currently posted on the IMDb, I know that at least one person already has done. Pathetic.

Obviously, Alicia Vikander almost steals the show as the beautiful robot Ava, but it's fair to say that Domhnall Gleeson (as Caleb) and Oscar Isaac (as Nathan) hold up well against her. In fact, the double-twist makes the whole ménage à trois (albeit with some minor characters) worthwhile. It's very predictable in the the way that you kind of expect what happens to happen but not in the way it does, and most people probably won't see the ending coming. In that respect, the story is very well played indeed.

Directed and written by Alex Garland (of "28 Days Later" and "Dredd" fame), what "Ex Machina" lacks in originality, it makes up for in uncluttered calmness and downplayed spectacle. There's even a bit of sexual tension here and there but not too much. Kids could watch this. They won't understand most of it, of course, but an R-rating seems unnecessarily harsh. Oh wait, it's America, so healthy nudity is the most heinous evil ever and violent death is perfectly acceptable. I get it now.

In short, "Ex Machina" is another robot with artificial intelligence movie but is none the worse for that. The better robot movie is still "Eva", and "Bicentennial Man" (1999) is arguably the emotional best, but "Ex Machina" is a competent addition to the sci-fi genre.

Recommended for a rainy Sci-Fi Saturday night.

Solo (2013)

"A teenage girl is terrorized when she spends two nights alone on a remote island as part of her camp counselor [sic] initiation."

My second movie today is this extremely generic Canadian "Friday the 13th"-esque clone.

Don't watch the trailer because it gives away all the good bits!

"Solo" is typically Canadian with better acting than it deserves, more clichés and borrowings mixed together with a big paddle of predictability, and no chance at ever getting a higher rating than "just average". The main character's backstory provides some originality, but as it's lost in favour of a traditional "kidnap, escape, and chase through the woods" third act, it's hardly worth mentioning.

Nothing much happens horror-wise until the end, and the gory money shot is far too short, but everything looks okay. Decent production values, competent camerawork (albeit sometimes shaky), and solid acting tend to cover a multitude of sins in the pacing, lack of atmosphere, and script.

Annie Clark is satisfactory as the lead, and the bad guy gives a damned good try at being nutty as a fruitcake, but neither performance is outstanding or very memorable. As usual, I have no idea if anyone involved in this production is famous in other respects such as TV, and I can't be bothered to look them up.

One thing I picked up on is that all the male characters smoke and don't seem to be able to get through a scene without lighting up. It's not important to the story in any way, just a theme which runs throughout. Maybe there's an in-joke there which someone can explain to me later. As a smoker myself, it amused me that I was puffing away along with them.

Unfortunately, "Solo" isn't very scary. I had hopes that more would be made of the ghost story about the island being haunted, but alas, it was not to be. It's a mystery thriller with some horror elements, and only a minor upgrade from Syfy Originals and other "filler" genre movies.

I have a feeling that "Solo" is pretty much a directorial debut. Sometimes I tend to be more lenient with new talent, and there's enough talent involved in this movie to make it watchable. If you want something more exciting, however, I recommend one of the earlier "Friday the 13th" movies or "Sleepaway Camp" instead.

The Colony (2013)

"Forced underground by the next ice age, a struggling outpost of survivors must fight to preserve humanity against a threat even more savage than nature."

If you're Canadian, I'm sure you saw "The Colony" (and hated it!) when it was released theatrically back in April. It's not due to be released in the US for another four weeks, and it'll be October before it's available on DVD and Blu-ray. As usual, the pirates have already leaked it online, and it doesn't take much to find it on any of the major video streaming sites. Shame on you, pirates, but thank you too.

One thing which really aggravates movie reviewers is how some areas get to see movies before others. Even more irritating is the privileged clique of usually sycophantic movie reviewers who get access to new movies and can write their spoiler-laden critiques before anyone has even heard of the movie that they've written about. Such is the case with "The Colony" as it already has over 30 external reviews on its IMDb page, and it isn't even officially out yet!

Even some online Canadian friends of mine hadn't heard of "The Colony" before I mentioned it, yet it has a ton of negative reviews surrounding it for no apparent reason other than it was partially funded by Telefilm (or the Canadian equivalent to the BBC) and people feel that their taxes were wasted on it. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about the name of the company and their level of involvement because I only skimmed those reviews for obvious reasons.

The thing is, I enjoyed "The Colony" and have no reason to hate it whatsoever.

"I say we grease this rat-fuck son-of-a-bitch right now."

Okay, so "The Colony" is only "The Day After Tomorrow" (2004) with feral human cannibals in it, and superficially, it has a bit of a "28 Days Later" (2002) and "30 Days of Night" (2007) vibe to it as well, but there has never been an original Canadian movie in the entire history of movies, so it's nothing to get too upset about. In every case of a Canadian horror movie that I've ever seen in my life, all they've done is take three or four existing movies and mix them together with a big stick and some maple syrup.

Owing to the fact that I did read some of the review headlines accidentally, I will agree with the majority opinion that Bill Paxton is mostly wasted in his role as a power-hungry asshole, but he's still Bill Paxton, and he's awesome anyway. Laurence Fishburne also doesn't get to do a lot except for one very important action—an overused trope which is one of my biggest pet peeves in any American action movie ever—but again, Laurence Fishburne is still cool and always will be (apart from "Predators" which is best forgotten about). These two stars add some class to a movie otherwise filled with "no-name" TV actors, although to be fair, a few of us have heard of Kevin Zegers because of "Wrong Turn" (2003) and "Frozen" (2010).

I've never heard of Charlotte Sullivan before, but now that I've seen her—noting that she looks like a hybrid of Melissa George and Avril Lavigne—I wouldn't mind seeing a lot more of her. Yes, a pretty girl can save almost any movie that I watch, and I really am that shallow. She's a very good actress, and her chameleon-like ability to resemble so many other known actresses will surely help her career enormously. She doesn't have the biggest part in "The Colony", but her performance is nothing to be ashamed of.

Not Melissa George or Avril Lavigne when you get up close.

Cinematography-wise, "The Colony" looks fantastic. It was all filmed around an abandoned NORAD base in North Bay, Ontario, Canada, so the location is everything. It certainly looks the part, unlike some of the jarring CGI-effects and Dru Viergever who plays the feral leader as a pointy-teethed escapee from one of the "Mad Max" films.

Yes, I had to go there, and having gone there, I am now forced to mention the ever multiplying ferals who create all the lapses in logic possible. Breeding in bizarre numbers according to how many are needed in each scene is the least of their problems. How and why adults would turn en masse into cannibalistic maniacs who've lost the power of speech over presumably only ten years is a plot hole which doesn't even bear thinking about. Sometimes you just have to take things for what they are and ignore the lack of realism if you want to enjoy an action movie. At least it doesn't suffer from the magically reloading guns nonsense.

There's definitely plenty of action and a surprising amount of gore in "The Colony" which pleased me no end and is sure to please you. Having watched the movie cold (no pun intended but still acknowledged), I thought it was just going to be a predictable sci-fi movie about survivors in a frozen apocalyptic future such as a short story I read many years ago in one of the "Mammoth Books of New Horror" (sorry, I've forgotten the name of it, but it's not the Tim Lebbon one!), so I was extremely happy when the ferals appeared. Some of the scenes are rushed, but not enough to matter. You can forget about suspense or scares though because it's not really that kind of horror movie.

I'm going to rate "The Colony" as average, although it becomes a lot less than average once you factor in the $16,000,000 budget and wonder what it was spent on. There's been no big marketing campaign or buzz about this movie, so I really can't see how it cost that much to make a Canadian sci-fi/action adventure in the first place. I thought filming was supposed to be cheaper over the border even if you have some famous names attached.

I'll probably buy "The Colony" when it comes out on DVD, but I suggest seeing it theatrically (if you can), or as a VOD or Redbox rental, before going for a blind buy. If you like "The Day After Tomorrow" and "30 Days of Night", this is almost a sequel to the former and a half-way house to the latter. It's not very original, but it's not as bad as some people want you to believe.

Static (2012)

"A couple facing marital problems after losing their child finds their life together further complicated by a mysterious visitor."

Very slow and filmed using a handheld camera by someone obviously afflicted with Parkinson's disease, "Static" is a predictable hybrid of "The Strangers" (2008) and "Voices" (1973).

Apart from Sarah Shahi being absolutely gorgeous, that's all you really need to know unless you want the twist spoiled. The clue is in the gas masks not actually being gas masks, but if you look closely at the DVD artwork, you'll probably realise that for yourself.

As you would expect from a cast including Milo Ventimiglia, Sarah Shahi, Sarah Paxton, and a cameo from William Mapother (aka Ethan from "Lost"), the acting is okay. It's TV movie quality acting, of course, but there's nothing wrong with that. It's competent enough for what it is. It's just a pity that the ending is so unoriginal, and there aren't any scares.

Worth a rental, I suppose.

The Demented (2013)

"Six college friends unite for a weekend getaway where they find themselves fighting for their lives after a terrorist attack turns the local residents into rage infused zombies."

Gah! Another generic zombie movie which unfolds as a checklist of every formula, trope and cliché. Having said that, "The Demented" is put together more competently than most of these "Night of the Living Dead" and "28 Days Later" clones.

I'm not sure what the budget was for this movie, but apart from too many quick cuts during the action scenes, it looks quite professional. The locations are good, the pacing doesn't lag, the gore is realistic, and it even has some fairly decent acting in it. Unfortunately, there are no characters to care about unless you think any of them are hot. The pretty "teenagers" are as poorly defined as ever; the curse of trendy teen horror strikes again!

Everyone makes the same stupid decisions that you've seen a thousand times before although, in fairness, these are young Americans so what do you expect? There's hardly a brain cell among them considering that they are supposed to be "college students". I'd hazard a guess that they attend a community college rather than a University though, and they clearly haven't seen enough zombie films to know how to survive. How the latter could happen in a world saturated by zombie movies is anyone's guess.

One contrived scene where the black guy (yes, you know what is bound to happen to him!) swerves to avoid a little girl Rage-zombie after just running over an adult male Rage-zombie only a few minutes earlier is shark-jumping of the highest order. This same character also has no problem with using a baseball bat on an infected dog! Aw, but zombie kids are sacred. The ethical double-standards and levels of hypocrisy in this movie know no bounds!

I like pretty girls!

"The Demented" stars Kayla Ewell, Richard Kohnke, Ashlee Brian, Brittney Alger, Sarah Butler, and Michael Welch, but I have no idea who any of them are apart from the two girls in the picture above. Kayla Ewell is from "The Vampire Diaries" and Sarah Butler had the lead in the "I Spit on Your Grave" remake. It's safe to assume that everyone else is from TV shows.

As this is Christopher Roosevelt's directorial debut, I'm willing to let a few things slide and even admit that the "double-ending" of a dream followed by the more downbeat reality is a nice touch. It's not original, of course, but it's satisfying. Did I just spoil it? No, along with everything else, it's even in the trailer!

The bottom line is that "The Demented" is a rather entertaining but instantly forgettable "beer and pizza flick". You can play a good drinking game by taking a shot every time somebody refers to the rest of the group as "guys" too. Just be prepared to have your stomach pumped afterwards.

If you haven't seen any other running Rage-zombie movie EVER, you'll enjoy "The Demented". But what are the chances of that?

"The Demented" will be released on DVD and Blu-ray on July 30th, 2013.

Midnight Horror: 8 Movies

I have no idea when Echo Bridge Home Entertainment released this multipack other than sometime in 2012. I got it from my local pawn shop a little under a month ago although, as it turned out, I already had a sealed copy which I bought from Wal-mart last year. Ah well, these things happen when you're dealing with movie collections which are designed to confuse the buyer into purchasing the same movies over and over again.

The powers that be must really have it in for me though because I had to scan the cover of this "Midnight Horror" multipack too (and it blurred in the bottom left corner). On the plus side, once again there are no other reviews online and no listing on the official website so I now have my second exclusive in forever. Yay, me! I'd do the Snoopy dance if I even knew what that was.


Night of the Living Dead (1968)

"A brother and sister visit the gravesite of their deceased father... but the trip turns into a terrifying nightmare when darkness falls and zombies attack."

Really, Echo Bridge Home Entertainment, really? Do you think that there's anyone who hasn't got this famous Public Domain movie already? It's even come free inside packets of cereal in some places!

Whatever. I'm not reviewing it again.


Windcroft (2007)

"When his father dies, John inherits the family farm... and a dark and disturbing past."

Sounds like a bundle of laughs, doesn't it?

Actually, "Windcroft" is all very serious and rather dull in spite of having the best looking blonde that I've seen in any low-budget horror movie ever. She can even act a bit too. Her name? I have no idea without looking it up... but having done that, it's Vanessa Daniels. She hasn't done a lot of other stuff apart from being in a couple of episodes of "Law and Order", but based on her performance in "Windcroft", I wouldn't mind seeing her in another horror one day.

Having obviously skimmed the IMDb for the finer details, I noticed that a lot of the "reviewers" (I mean synopsis writers) were complaining about the acting. But what do they know anyway? The IMDb is full of 12-year-olds who can barely put one word after another let alone know what the terms they use mean. An "IMDb reviewer" complaining about "acting" usually means that he or she didn't like the characters. You'll rarely see one add an "-isation" to the word "character" either or mention "empathy". As far as the IMDb is concerned any actor/character over 30 is old and not somebody they can identify with anyway. But I digressed.

There's really nothing that wrong with the acting in "Windcroft". The script would have benefitted from having someone with better dialogue writing skills go through it and give it some polish, but the acting itself is fine. Given the subject matter (which I'm not going to spoil for you), a little bit of nudity wouldn't have harmed anything either.

The location is great (albeit far too clean for a working farm), and the camerawork is outstanding for this kind of movie. The only niggle I have with some of the shots is that the cameraman must be long-sighted. Short-sighted people make the best cameramen, just so you know, because they use the camera lens to compensate and get in closer. If you're aiming for an oppressive or claustrophic atmosphere, you can't have all that space and distance going on.

The two things which really let "Windcroft" down are the pacing and the really irritating "music" in it. I can almost allow the former because the slowness makes the movie slightly offbeat in a Lucky McKee or Angela Bettis way, but I can't forgive whoever thought it was a good idea to put that horrible cacophony in the background. All the way through, I wanted to turn down the backing track and enhance the vocals, but of course, there's no way to do that.

If someone were to re-release this movie with no "music" (I can't bring myself to remove the quotation marks because it's that bad!), some tighter editing, and whatever clever digital enhancement there is available to make it look more "filmy", "Windcroft" would be a real award winner rather than boasting ones from obscure festivals which nobody has ever heard of.

As it stands, "Windcroft" shows the potential of whoever made it, but it doesn't deliver the goods where it counts, i.e. to anyone watching it who expects either a horror movie or the "modern gothic" tale that I imagine it was meant to be.


Interview with a Serial Killer (1994)

"A well-known crime novelist has reason to believe that her new tenant is a serial killer who has brutally murdered more than a dozen women."

Also known as "White Angel", this is a low-budget/TV quality British crime drama which apparently failed to get a major distribution deal. In the UK, it can be found as a double-feature with "Urban Ghost Story" from the same company. Despite a little bit of brutality, blood, and a flash of boobs or two, it's hard to call this horror. For one thing, the kill scenes are more off camera than on.

There are real actors in this including Peter Firth and Don Henderson (in an extended cameo), but Harriet Robinson is clearly out of her depth in the lead role of Ellen Carter after only being in bit parts beforehand. I don't know if hairy-forearmed Harriet realised that she wasn't cut out for acting or if something more sinister happened, but she was never in anything else afterwards. From her accent, she's Canadian, not that it or her hirsuteness is important to the story in any way.

As a very dated character study with a twist, "Interview with a Serial Killer" isn't a bad role for Peter Firth, but the movie feels like it should be a TV episode of "Bulman" from the 1980s due to Don Henderson's occasional appearances. The late Ken Sharrock who was typecast as a policeman throughout his career makes a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance as a bank teller too.


Keepsake (2008)

"When a freak accident strands Janine on a deserted highway, a call for help soon becomes a fight for survival."

The first of the two DVDs in this collection ends with some below average torture porn in the form of "Keepsake".

In spite of a powerful start, good production values (apart from the cheaper practical effects and handheld camerawork which was trendy 5 years ago), and an actress with an unexpectedly attractive body which she doesn't mind showing, it's a real shame that a movie which promised so much goes into the realm of flashbacks and hallucinations instead of staying linear.

While it becomes obvious what the filmmakers were trying to do, the eventual twist doesn't work so well either and borders on contempt for the audience. On the plus side, at least this is a more contemporary horror movie even if it isn't a particularly memorable one.


Colour from the Dark (2008)

"A family accidentally frees something from the Earth's womb while drawing water from their well and now a sinister glow is seeping into their lives."

Debbie Rochon stars in this, but don't let that put you off. "Colour from the Dark" is the classiest thing that she's ever been in, and it's not her fault that the movie is boring. Debbie certainly doesn't mind getting naked for purely gratuitous reasons, and even though she's 40 years old here, she's still a very good looking woman.

The setting in World War 2 Italy is anachronistic but also looks the part, and the atmosphere starts off right. Unfortunately, it's the horribly slow pacing of the story (based on "The Colour Out of Space") which isn't conducive for excitement. A little bit of gore here and there tries to liven things up but without much success.

While I didn't completely hate this movie, I found it slightly confusing and very unfocused. Some very odd casting choices complicate matters unnecessarily by having quite a mix of nationalities with no explanation of how or why they are all in Italy.

Nobody has ever made a good adaptation of an H.P. Lovecraft story anyway, but filmmakers still keep churning out these overambitious low-budget attempts. I suppose it's better to be overambitious than to have no ambition though.


Final Remains (2005)

"Four college students, who think they are making a harmless midnight stop at the mortuary, are caught in the middle of a deadly and twisted encounter."

Originally named "Mortuary" to confuse people looking for Tobe Hooper's movie from the same year, "Final Remains" is absolute crap of the highest order. While obstensibly a satire of the "Halloween" movies, it's too ineptedly put together to be funny. Thus, even if you give it credit for recognising the slasher formulas, "Final Remains" is nothing but a z-grade copycat.

A couple of flashes of full frontal female nudity early on are just randomly placed teases and don't lead to more of the same, which is a shame considering that the lead actresses are very pretty indeed. Without them, this movie would be an even greater struggle to get through, but it's still quite an ordeal. The first half is such a mess that I was tempted to hit fast-forward myself.

At the end of the day, this isn't much of a step-up from the kind of hobby horror dreck that drunken friends make in their backyards after getting a camcorder for the first time. The camerawork is considerably better than any of those abominations, but the acting, unoriginality, and half-arsed kills are easily as bad.


My Sweet Killer (1999)

"An ex-mental patient becomes obsessed with the beautiful woman who committed suicide in his apartment."

The best way to describe "My Sweet Killer" is as a no-budget version of "Taxi Driver" but with less plot and a faux ghost story to pad the 77 minutes running time.

It's not horror but drama, and as a languid character study where you're supposed to empathise with the lead, Kirk Harris isn't interesting, charismatic, or a good enough actor to draw anyone in. There are lots of movies about mental illness like this including "Loving Walter", "May" and "Roman". The most famous is "The Machinist" (2004), but I don't think "My Sweet Killer" had any influence on it.

Since very little happens until the very end, eyecandy is provided by Stephanie Knight. Recognisable TV face Clifton Collins Jr. also makes a brief show-stealing appearance.


Dark Woods (2010)

"A couple moves to a secluded cabin to deal with the wife's terminal cancer... but an erratic young visitor forces the husband to make a deadly decision."

Finally, a movie which looks like a real movie... or at least a TV movie with decent production values and solid cinematography!

Acting-wise, "Dark Woods" is full of TV actors including Mary Kate Wiles, James Russo and Corey Mendell Parker so there's a certain level of quality throughout this which most movies in these "Midnight Horror" packs tend to lack. The leads, Tracy Coogan and John Muscarnero (who is also the writer/producer), are virtual unknowns however.

It's not all good news as the pacing is very slow and a lot of the interactions between the husband and the girl are clearly inspired by "The Crush" (1993) starring Alicia Silverstone. What makes it worse is that the name of Mary Kate Wiles' character is Alicia too!

Initially, I wouldn't call this horror as it's more of a tragic love story/psychological thriller with a lot of sexual temptation going on, but there's also a macabre twist which I'm not going to spoil for you. You can already guess that things do not end well.


It's nice to end this series of posts on a high note although I still wouldn't rate these movies together as more than average. Average is better than something which you want to take outside and set fire to though.

Unlike the other "Midnight Horror" collections, there's no subtitle or volume number this time. Another thing which used to bug me more than it should is how these packs don't form a real collection due to having so many changes in the style of artwork. In this case, I think it's meant to be an oval mirror in the middle, but it could be a wooden plaque. Who knows? I don't suppose it matters, and I no longer even care after turning my brain to mush with all these crappy movies in the last couple of weeks. I'll be glad to see the back of them.

Of course, if anyone wants to donate some money to my PayPal begging bowl (link on right), I'll happily trot off to Walmart or Kmart and rummage through their bargain bins for more. At the present time though, this is the final "Midnight Horror" pack that I own, and I won't be reviewing any more of them for a while. As awesome as I am, I can't sustain reviewing 8 crappy movies a day forever.

Next week, I'll write a couple of articles about the history of these multipack releases, but I'm not in any rush to buy the dozen or so packs which I haven't acquired.

Curandero (2005)

"A journey that takes one man into the bowels of black magic in Mexico City."

While I was out taking my thousands of empty Monster cans to the recycling bin, I decided to have a quick look at the new releases in Target and came across this little gem. By "gem", however, I do actually mean "an obscure 8 year old former Miramax/Dimension title which has finally been released by Lionsgate".

Fearing the worst of any DVD with the words "Robert Rodriguez presents" on its artwork, I didn't buy a copy of it but waited until I got home again to watch it online. It's not directed by Robert Rodriguez (nor is its real director Eduardo Rodriguez any relation to him) so I figured it would be worth a "rental".

Set in a similar grainy-looking, washed-out world as "Borderland" (2007) but played like a gorier mixture of "Constantine" (2005) and "Night Watch/Day Watch" (2004/2006), "Curandero" is very much a product of that time and tries hard to be another cult action-horror. If it hadn't been for those other movies and all the financial shenanigans at Miramax, it may have succeeded back then too.

The characters are actually quite good although very similar to the heroes and villains of Timur Bekmambetov's adaptations of Sergei Lukyanenko's "Dozor" tetralogy. Carlos the charismatic curandero isn't a million miles away from being Anton Gorodetsky from "Night Watch" complete with hallucinations, and his enemy Castaneda (Gabriel Pingarrón) is really only a far more spiteful version of Zavulon. Castaneda is almost as nasty a piece of work as any of the narcosatanicos in "Borderland" but without the good looks of Santillian.

Carlos Gallardo and Gizeht Galatea

Even the plot is quite similar to "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" with a "chosen one", lots of magic in a modern day urban setting, and some scenes which look almost identical. A certain chase through a market only needs "The Gloom" for it to be lifted straight from "Day Watch". It's a chicken and the egg conundrum as to which really came first given the date of this movie.

With hardly anything explained as you go along, nothing is handed to you on a plate immediately. Everything is explained eventually so just bear with it. I like this way of storytelling, but it was a major criticism of "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" from the hard of understanding crowd who tried to cover their ignorance by using words like "foreign mythology" in their reviews when that wasn't really the problem. Suffice it to say that none of these movies have any traditional mythology except that which has been invented for the story itself. Huge exposition scenes may be lacking, but since nobody does exposition properly anymore, that's another good thing.

There's lots of gore, a very Mexican colour palette which you will either love or hate, and a very beautiful heroine in the form of Gizeht Galatea as federal agent Magdalena. The partnership between Magdalena and Carlos is so like that of Olivia (Anna Torv) and Peter (Joshua Jackson) from "Fringe" that I wouldn't put it past J.J. Abrams and his team not to have taken some inspiration from this movie. Oh, yes, there are subtitles too so thickies need not apply.

My only problem with "Curandero" is that the pacing is a little bit quick over the ground. It's no worse than "Constantine", but I could quite happily have watched another hour of the same characters doing their thing. The effects are great, but the characters would certainly have benefited from some more fleshing out (no pun intended).

I highly recommend "Curandero" if you are looking for something slightly formulaic but a bit different. It's not really worth the new release price, but you can watch it online for $3.99 and probably find it in a Redbox kiosk.

Quarantine (2008)

"A television reporter and her cameraman are trapped inside a building quarantined by the CDC after the outbreak of a mysterious virus which turns humans into bloodthirsty killers."

It's funny how horror movie tastes can change as you get older, isn't it? I had actually written "Quarantine" off as a movie which I would never review due it being an inferior remake until I watched it again before I did my recent mini-podcast on the "[REC]" series. Not only did I watch it twice more after that, but I really liked it.

Obviously, I didn't like it as much as Brad Miska who was quoted on the DVD sleeve as saying, "Quite possibly the best horror film this year." Although the word "possibly" gives some room for not appearing to be a total sellout, there's no way that "Quarantine" was even in the running for being the best horror movie of 2008. I'm pretty sure that "Let the Right One In" had that honour plus "[REC]" (2007) was being purchased as an alternative to the remake by just as many people.

The trouble with "Quarantine" will always be that it was a dumbed down remake with too many recognisable actors in it to ever compete with the more realistic (and less staged) look of "[REC]", but four years on, it's now quite entertaining for those very reasons.

What I liked most was how a lot more was made of the scenes with the firemen in "Quarantine". The American version of Angela Vidal, played by Jennifer Carpenter (from "The Exorcism of Emily Rose"), came across as a lot more genuine and playful with the firemen than the Spanish version who gave away that she was very two-faced quite early on. It was also interesting to see how only 6 minutes of extra footage in the fire station helped to flesh out the characters and make it possible to care about them.

Casting Jay Hernandex from "Hostel" (2005) as a fireman was a huge giveaway for horror fans that the found footage wasn't real, but Greg Germann from "Ally McBeal" who played the vet was a far too recognisable face for other viewers. To their credit, Sony didn't even pretend that this was anything other than a remake.

One thing which was definitely improved was being able to put a name to the falling fireman. Having got to know Fletcher (Johnathon Schaech) a little bit beforehand made that moment quite tragic. Changing the nationality of the immigrants to Africans rather than a Japanese family was unnecessary though since the xenophobic comment about them would still have worked and come across as just as racist anyway.

For some reason, possibly jealousy, a lot of "[REC]" fans didn't think much of Jennifer Carpenter at the time. Either it was her looks or her acting ability (or both) which got them bent out of shape, but I didn't find anything wrong with her. She was slightly better looking facially than Manuela Velasco, but her body wasn't quite as toned or sexy, so it's a case of swings and roundabouts there. As for her acting ability, she did really well before her character was forced into conforming to the scene for scene remake process. Hysteria even made the Spanish version of Angela Vidal inconsistent.

Ignoring the supernatural explanation at the end of "[REC]" made the newspaper clippings and tape recorder scene far too rushed (and a little bit redundant), but really that was the only obviously bad part of the whole film. The jump scares were all the same.

As for everything else in "Quarantine", including the practical effects by Robert Hall and his team, there was nothing wrong with any of it. "Quarantine" just wasn't original and so it will always be the weaker of the two films for most people.

The House of the Devil (2009)

"In the 1980s, college student Samantha Hughes takes a strange babysitting job that coincides with a full lunar eclipse. She slowly realizes her clients harbour a terrifying secret; they plan to use her in a satanic ritual."

I don't know what it is about "The House of the Devil" which causes me to fall asleep every time I try to watch it but the same thing happened three times in a row last night. Eventually I gave up and went to bed. Not to be beaten by it, I watched the second half of the DVD as soon as I woke up this morning.

Having battled with this movie many times on Netflix, my only explanation for its soporific effect on me is that it's boring as can be. For at least the first hour, it's all very slow with no atmosphere. It could just be the story of any girl, past, present or future, who goes to a college in New York state and takes a babysitting job to pay her rent.

It's all talk with droning American voices plus lots of shots of old wooden sheds which upstate New Yorkers laughably refer to as houses. This is no different to what I wake up to every day. It's all blandness and drudgery, but it's not horror.

If I hadn't read the three paragraph introduction to "The House of the Devil" which flashed up on screen before the opening titles, I honestly wouldn't have known that it was supposed to be set in the 1980s. Nothing looks any different now in New York state (or even Connecticut which was where this was actually filmed) compared to 30 years ago. I would guess that most of it isn't much different to 50 or 60 years ago either especially when it comes to the cars, not having light switches beside the doors to rooms, or eating bad pizza. Ti West documented these things really well but disguised them as a horror movie.

Nothing really happens in "The House of the Devil" until, as the pretentious critics call it, "the third reel". Then it's just like every other "unwilling Satanic sacrifice" movie complete with an escape scene which, in fairness, is pretty well done and doesn't have as many stupid decisions made by the victim as some others.

I must admit that Jocelin Donahue is quite nice to look at and plays a good part. Her character, Samantha, just isn't very likeable but is certainly less irritating than her friend, Megan (played by Greta Gerwig). I wouldn't want either of them in my house though.

Having never bought into the fanboy appreciation of "The House of the Devil" on the various forums, the only thing which I can think of which makes up for the dullness of the rest of it are that the kill scenes are rather satisfying. The tacked-on hospital scene epilogue should have been left off though. It should have ended with Tom Noonan's cries of "No, no, no!"

I don't really recommend "The House of the Devil" because it's sort of weird in a not very good way and fails in its attempt to be cleverer than it actually is. I haven't seen any of Ti West's other movies, "Cabin Fever 2", "The Innkeepers" or "V/H/S", and I really have no desire to now either.

Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

"High-schoolers throw a Halloween party in a mansion haunted by a young demon."

You've probably guessed it already from my last post, but this week is "Night of the Demons" week for me. Although I don't particularly like any of these movies, I thought it was about time to get them all out of the way so that I never have to watch the stupid things ever again.

"Night of the Demons 2", directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith (of "BMX Bandits" fame), is arguably the best of the 'Night of the Demons" sequels but it's still not a very good horror film and is very much a product of the '90s when nobody was really watching serious horror anyway.

In 1994, everybody was into vampires of one kind or another and, of course, Brian Trenchard-Smith wasn't silly enough not to notice the trend. The trouble was that he chose to work many stupid bits from "The Lost Boys" (1987) into "Night of the Demons 2" while, obviously due to his own nationality, also homaging a certain New Zealand movie - Peter Jackson's "Braindead" - from a couple of years earlier.

So, instead of being a real horror movie, once again "Night of the Demons 2" fell flat on its face into the horror-comedy genre and we all know how much I hate those. It's lamentable that it could have been a very good film if it had been treated more seriously or maybe had a bigger budget rather than equalling that of original.

I suppose what gives this movie a special place in a lot of horror fans' "guilty pleasures list" is the abundance of nudity and the softcore sex scenes. I was pleasantly surprised by all the hot actresses including Cristi Harris, Christine Taylor (yes, the one married to Ben Stiller), and Zoe Trilling (from "Amityville: The Evil Escapes"). I'm not going to say anything much about their acting since nearly all the actors in this were only eyecandy, but they weren't too bad.

In case you are thinking that it's all boobs and blood, "Night of the Demons 2" does have a slightly better story to it than the first movie, a lot of teen romances going on, and, of course, a nun who "kicks ass for the Lord" even more than Father McGruder.

Sister Gloria, played by Jennifer Rhodes, was easily the most famous member of the cast at the time and was still kind of hot for her age. Is it wrong to fancy nuns who wear make-up and lipstick? Maybe that's why they don't. You'd think that someone would have pointed that out during the filming but, like so many other goofs, plotholes and flaws, I doubt that anyone even cared.

Things which stood out for me in a really bad way were Merle Kennedy's awful haircut, the cat scene which promised something very evil (but, fortunately, didn't go that way), the demonic Angela (once again played by Amelia Kinkade who looked too old for the part) failing at being sexy, and, because it was trying to be "The Lost Boys" at the end, the demons were now very much vampires who could be defeated in the same ways.

Squirt guns and balloons full of Holy water, crucifixes, sunlight, and even an overused offer of self-sacrificing substitution lifted from "Salem's Lot" (or "The Exorcist" to give credit to the original source) really hammered home the lack of originality throughout this very commercial pulp horror product.

The practical effects were okay. For those who loathe CGI, there was even some early use of that too but certainly not of the same calibre as "Jurassic Park" from the year before. It was cheap, nasty CGI which really jumped the shark (or the snake) especially right at the end.

Even though I pretty much hated 90% of "Night of the Demons 2", it was actually quite watchable. I didn't have to switch it off a couple of dozen times and come back to it, and I'm quite proud of myself for making it through in one sitting. I was going to put it in "The Dungeon" but, in fairness, it belongs in the "Just Average" category due to the time it was made. There were far less entertaining films which came out in 1994, and, unfortunately, I've seen those too.

Alison's Birthday (1981)

"A young girl is subjected to a reign of terror so that her soul can be transferred to the body of an old crone."

After an interesting and violent start, "Alison's Birthday" turned into such a boring, slow-paced Australian soap opera that I initially thought I wouldn't make it through to the end. I love Australian soap operas though (and I've seen far worse horror movies) so I endured the lag and decided to review it for you.

In many ways, "Alison's Birthday" reminded me a little bit of "Rosemary's Baby" (1968), "Crowhaven Farm" (1970), and several more recent girlie American horrors including "I've Been Waiting for You" (1998) and "The Haunting of Molly Hartley" (2008).

The overused scenario wasn't original even back in 1981 and I could pull up huge lists of "teenagers inheriting their evil birthright" or "girls destined to be sacrificed to the Devil" movies which go right back to 1940s. Although I'd guarantee that you wouldn't be all that interested in most of them, I just thought I'd mention this fact quickly so nobody gets the wrong idea about "Alison's Birthday" being an influence on anything except, perhaps, for its ending which predates "The Skeleton Key" (2005). The thing is that they are all reworkings of the "Snow White" fairytale and I think we've all had enough of that for this year.

The actress who played Alison, Joanne Samuel, who you'll definitely know from playing Jessie in the original "Mad Max" (1979), wasn't bad looking even though she was dressed like a reject from "Prisoner: Cell Block H" for the creepiest parts of the film. I've never understood the appeal of dungarees (and even less the "passion killing" nightdress) but I suppose something had to be done to make a 24 year old look like a teenager. The "blink and you'll miss it" bikini scene on the beach would have destroyed that illusion except that the camera concentrated on Alison's face rather than her body.

Alison faded into the background around 50 minutes in as her boyfriend, Peter, played by Lou Brown, picked up the pace with a failed rescue attempt, his inquiries into her past, and the discovery via his extremely gorgeous Occultist friend (whose name I can't remember but I think was played by Lisa Peers) that Alison was destined to play a very unwilling part in an ancient Celtic ritual.

In pre-internet days, people actually used to have to look things up in books. I found the various clichéd expositions both nostalgic and refreshing after seeing the trope changed to "Google searches" so many times more recently. It was done rather well and gave an even more sinister backstory to what was all rather predictable otherwise.

Brian Wenzel (aka Sergeant Frank Gilroy from "A Country Practice") turned up a couple of times as, surprise, surprise, a uniformed cop, but he wasn't the only recognisable face from Australian television. People used to joke that Australia only had about a dozen actors who would appear in everything and it was very true back in the day.

Even though the denouement reeked of "Salem's Lot" (1979), it got quite exciting for a few seconds and I actually got quite concerned for the characters. I was only half-expecting the downbeat ending so I got a little bit of a surprise. I'm glad it went that way rather than the alternative.

"Alison's Birthday" wasn't a particularly good horror movie. It wasn't scary and didn't have enough of the paranoid, claustrophobic atmosphere of the predecessors which it borrowed from to make it stand out. As for suspense, the little bit of tension created by Alison's upcoming birthday party was ruined by the pacing and a distinct lack of the feeling of impending doom. I didn't hate the movie but it really wasn't anything more than average at best.

Alone in the Dark (1982)

"A quartet of murderous psychopaths break out of a mental hospital during a power blackout and lay siege to their doctor's house."

It was another gloomy, rainy Monday afternoon so I went in search of something not too involving to satisfy me. This time I found "Alone in the Dark" and not the crappy Uwe Boll version either.

Although "Alone in the Dark" was released back in 1982, I never saw it at the time. A lot of American horror movies never made it to Britain either due to their distributors or, more usually, because they were too crappy and the independent video rental stores wouldn't waste their money on them.

Whatever the case, I didn't really miss anything outstanding with "Alone in the Dark" except for the chance to talk about some more horror movie trivia such as the first use of a killer wearing a hockey mask before Jason Voorhees made it his trademark.

Since it was only another slasher in the "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" mould, complete with the usual tropes, abundance of plaid shirts, and a couple of decent yet obviously cloned kills, "Alone in the Dark" was just a very average '80s horror.

Something which made it kind of ironic was having Dwight Schultz, known as "Mad Murdock" to fans of "The A Team", playing a psychiatrist in it. Well, I found it ironic anyway and nothing more than that since the character wasn't very well developed.

Donald Pleasence played yet another psychiatrist who was actually a little bit nicer than his famous Dr Loomis character and was certainly more naive. Of course, it wasn't much more than a cameo role but that could be said about all the big names who were involved in this project.

Jack Palance, Martin Landau, and even Erland van Lidth (later to be Dynamo in "The Running Man") each had their moments of glory as psychopaths. They didn't do a bad job considering that none of them were on screen for very long. Martin Landau stood out the most but that's nearly always the way with religious nutters. Erland van Lidth played a paedophile really well too though.

As for the story, it was basically "Halloween" with four lots of Michael Myers and less than a quarter of the scares. Only one scene around the 50 minute mark, which involved a very frightened (and very nice to look at) Carol Levy being menaced in the bedroom, had any real suspense to it. This also had a very early "meta" moment when it was announced that the noise in the closet couldn't possibly be a cat since nobody in the house had one.

Everything else just plodded along but mostly lagged. A couple of stand-outs in the little girl who played Dwight Shultze's daughter and Lee Taylor-Allan (who very nearly got nude at one point but, instead, provided a very weak jump scare with a Tom Savini created corpse) were the only highlights and they weren't quite as memorable as the characters themselves were irritating.

There was a surprise reveal of one psychopath known as "The Bleeder" who I'd completely forgotten about the existence of by the time it came to pass so I'm happy to raise the rating which I would have given "Alone in the Dark" by a point just for that.

Generally, however, this was all pretty weak in the horror department. Everything was telegraphed so far ahead that when things did happen they weren't a surprise. It was simply a very underwhelming, almost goreless, and badly paced slasher with some seemingly original touches which were actually borrowed from half a dozen better movies.

ATM (2012)

"On a late night visit to an ATM, three co-workers end up in a desperate fight for their lives when they become trapped by an unknown man."

I put off watching "ATM" until now because of all the negativity surrounding it. I wanted to watch the film with all the opinions of the nobodies who bash everything on the internet far from being foremost in my mind so that I could give it a fair chance. I'm pleased to say that I was absolutely right in my decision and I actually really enjoyed "ATM" even though it's derivative of at least six other movies.

Let's get all the similarities out of the way to begin with. "ATM" is a bit like "Wind Chill", a little like "Phone Booth", sort of like "Judgment Night" and "Final Jeopardy", and a LOT like "Body Bags", "Urban Legend", "P2", "Cujo" and "Frozen". In fact, if you've seen any one of these movies then there won't be any great surprises for you.

Sometimes, however, you don't really need a lot of surprises or innovation to keep you entertained. Well, I know I don't. Think of all the people who watch the same formulaic slasher movies over and over again even though it's only the names of the characters and the locations which are different. I think we all know a recent meta-horror movie which explained why that works.

"ATM", in spite of not being the same kind of "ATM" as depicted in "The Human Centipede", is still a very enjoyable hour of horror goodness with 15 minutes tacked on as padding to the beginning and another 15 minutes added to spoil everything at the end.

Where it excels is in the acting and casting choices. While none of the characters are all that likeable initially, they all work within the logic of the story. Brian Geraghty's character, David, reminded me a lot of Tim from the original British version of "The Office" and I'm sure that Josh Peck's character, Corey, was modelled on just about anyone from the American version. I wouldn't know for sure because I don't watch that lacklustre crap.

Of course, the big draw for me was seeing Eddie Shoestring's daughter, Alice Eve. I didn't even know he had a daughter or that she was an actress. I also didn't realise that she was 30 years old and playing a twenty-something in the style of Reese Witherspoon until "ATM" either.

Don't get me wrong, I thought the characters worked well together. None of the actors gave a bad performance. The faults were purely with the script, the ludicrous situation and the characters' complete lack of balls to do anything about it, but, of course, it wouldn't have been much of a film if they had all just walked out together, got in their car and gone home.

As far as suspense goes, it really isn't a bad movie at all. There are some nicely done set pieces, but it isn't overly scary or gory unfortunately. At least it was R-rated and felt like a horror film for adults. Just like "The Strangers", it's all about what could happen at any time just because some psycho feels like ruining your day. Although I hated "The Strangers", I'll just emphasise again that I really liked "ATM".

What I liked most was the social commentary about the pussification of America. The characters are all so reliant on the laws of society, thinking they can appeal to the civilised part of a killer's nature, or, more simply, expecting some kind of automated help all the time instead of helping themselves, that they increase their chances of being victims with every action they take.

Something like this could and would only happen in America. You wouldn't find any Brits or Europeans getting trapped in a "Cash Point" lobby overnight because they would just run out, kick the would-be serial killer in the nuts, and laugh about it all the way back to the pub. "ATM" is blatantly aimed at paranoid, scared Americans who don't know what to do without their cars, cellphones and other technology, and pulls no punches in condemning them for it.

Maybe I'm just a cynical old Brit who, as an outsider, reads a lot more into crybaby, weakling, coddled American society than most people. I love it when a film like this comes along which so obviously hurls insults at the intended audience who are too dumb to pick up on it. When Alice/Reese/Emily put her own coat on David, I realised exactly what was going on.

I absolutely recommend "ATM" not as a horror movie per se but as a question for you to ask yourselves, "What would I do in this situation?"

Superstition (1982)

(AKA The Witch)



"A witch put to death in 1692 swears vengeance on her persecutors and returns to the present day to punish their descendants."

Although this was quite a popular video to rent back in the early '80s, I thought of it as just another Amityville clone with a clichéd story about a witch coming back from the dead. Having seen the far superior "Black Sunday" (1960), I was not impressed.

As you know, I've been looking at a lot of VHS collections recently to see what people are still into since new horror movies have dried-up completely. One of the titles which VHS fans all raved about was "Superstition" but I took it with the same huge pinch of salt that I usually reserve for anyone talking about crappy Dario Argento movies.

Having watched it again last night to see if I had been missing anything, "Superstition" was actually worse than I remembered. It's essentially little more than a predictable slasher film with laughable special effects as well.

The acting was particularly bad and the story served only as padding between the various gore scenes. I admit that the amusing gore was welcome but, as I've often said, if you don't care about the characters then it really has no value.

A lot of people moan about this film not being on DVD when in fact it has been out in the UK (uncut) for ages. I'm not sure about the Anchor Bay US release since I'm not part of the loop and they don't send me any free DVDs to review (unlike some of the even crappier review sites on the internet). I assume that it must be out of print again now like so many others.

I've actually reached the point where I'm so bored that I wouldn't mind a few screeners especially from Lionsgate who seem to be sitting on a huge back catalogue of crappy '80s horror movies. I'm sure they would go down really well as some kind of compilation set even in this age of people downloading everything for free and not buying as many films on physical media anymore.

If "Superstition" was part of a "4 horror movie multi-pack" along with "The Witch Who Came from the Sea" (1976) and a couple of other witchcraft-themed "video nasties" then I'd actually recommend it as cult viewing, but alas, on its own, it's just a bit too dated and average.

The Thaw (2009)

"A research expedition to the Arctic discovers that a melting polar ice cap has released a deadly prehistoric parasite."

If you ignore all the boring ecological crap about global warming that seems to get spouted at length every ten minutes, "The Thaw" isn't a bad little horror film about parasitic bugs at all.

Basically, the action takes place at a remote Arctic research station without much snow to be seen anywhere (possibly due to this really being filmed in Canada) and has quite a few similarities to "The Thing" in terms of isolation and the need to quarantine the nasty little beasties.

Unfortunately, most of the budget must have been blown on hiring Val Kilmer for his minimal screen time so, if you are expecting lots of gory nastiness, this is slightly disappointing for truly hardcore horror fans.

The effects, although sparse, are nasty enough for most people especially if you have entomophobia as one of the characters indeed does. Various infestations and burrowing creepy-crawlies are shown in all their low-budget CGI glory so be prepared to sit there scratching at yourself throughout the movie.

There's even a rather nice arm amputation scene which, although still somewhat ridiculous, is a lot more realistic than most that you'd see in a film of this nature.

Of course, there's a little bit of a twist to this involving the motivation of Val Kilmer's professor character whose subplot lingers mostly in the background as the small team of thirty-something graduate "students" vainly fight against the bugs.

Other than that, it's all formulaic stuff with one character being picked off after another in a typical slasher film style. As usual, none of the characters are particularly well developed or likable and seem hellbent on making you hate them even more by being absolutely useless apart from bickering with each other in most of the situations that they get themselves into. There's even the tired old cliché of self-sacrifice which you'll get pretty sick of hearing about or seeing by the end of the movie.

The camerawork is nice and steady, not any of that shakycam crap, and, although the sets give away the budget in a few places, it still looks quite good. The location means that a claustrophobic atmosphere is severely lacking and, it almost goes without saying, that there's a distinct lack of tension throughout.

Considering that "The Thaw" was released straight-to-DVD on the "Ghost House Underground" label, it's one of the better ones and fans of things like "Slither" (2006) or "Ticks" (1999) will enjoy it if they prefer something which takes itself a lot more seriously.

Altered (2006)

"Fifteen years ago, a group of men's lives were forever changed by a strange occurrence. Now, the same group of men will spend a night together... in terror."

I wasn't expecting much of this film by Eduardo Sánchez, the director of "The Blair Witch Project" (1999), especially as the description on Netflix implied that it would be more sci-fi than anything else, but I actually enjoyed most of it.

Although the captured alien was just some guy in a rubber suit, describing it as such doesn't really do it justice as the effects were pretty good overall. It was an evil looking thing with enough weird animal attributes to make it decidedly "alien".

There was also plenty of gore where it counted, good performances by the cast, and enough mystery to keep my interest for at least two-thirds of the film. It was only in the last half-hour that I started to get a little bit bored with it as the interactions between the redneck heroes and all the tension ran out.

Adam Kaufman who played the lead, Wyatt, was quite charismatic in places but it was the far rougher Paul McCarthy-Boyington as Cody who gave the best performance overall. All the characters were quite likeable in their own ways although none of them were given enough time individually to really get to know them which was probably for the best.

The weakest link was Catherine Mangan's character, Hope, who couldn't seem to decide if she wanted to get out of the situation or keep coming back to it. It would have been a much better film without her character in it at all as her inconsistencies were quite annoying.

"Altered" wasn't a bad film or an outstandingly good one. I'm rating it as "average" but it was quite an original idea.

The Sentinel (1977)

"Not ready for marriage, a fashion model moves into an unbelievably nice Brooklyn Heights apartment, where scary occurrences turn into a much more frightening turn of events."

Since I've been completely addicted to my Roku box and watching scores of Netflix movies for the last few days, I've decided to start reviewing a few of the better ones that I've seen. Obviously, this time it's Michael Winner's "The Sentinel".

I don't think I've rewatched "The Sentinel" since it was shown on Channel Four way back in the '80s and I didn't actually like it at the time due to having a totally irrational dislike of Burgess Meredith. There are just some actors and actresses who have me changing TV channels quicker than green grass through a goose and Burgess "The Penguin" Meredith is up there along with the Baldwins, Arquettes and Colin Farrell.

Fortunately for me, Burgess Meredith doesn't spend nearly as long on screen in "The Sentinel" as the absolutely gorgeous Cristina Raines who I remember most from "Flamingo Road". Yes, I used to watch some pretty strange things when I was a kid.

Anyway, "The Sentinel" is very much a "good vs. evil" movie in a similar vein to "Rosemary's Baby" but with far more diabolical goings on and an even more downbeat twist ending. The ending really is quite unexpected though I'm sure some people would say that they saw it coming from the beginning. I really didn't get into all the "Catholics versus The Devil" stuff otherwise I probably have picked up on what was really going on sooner but, honestly, I was just enjoying all the haunted house style shenanigans and bizarre characters to even guess at the bigger picture.

The other thing which completely distracted me was the huge number of famous actors and actresses in "The Sentinel" who are known for much better roles. If you are anything like me, you'll find yourself asking, "Isn't that so-and-so?" quite often and, yes, it really is so-and-so too. Even what you might think are just cameos or bit parts actually contain some very well known actors indeed.

What I really like about this film was that it had some genuinely creepy moments and stayed completely serious in places where it could have become somewhat ludicrous. If you are in the right frame of mind, however, you could probably also watch "The Sentinel" as a sick comedy in the way that some people now think of "The Exorcist".

One major problem for a modern audience is that there are a lot of times when nothing scary happens at all and the pace of the movie drags. If you've watched a lot of TV horror movies from the '70s then you'll probably think you are watching another one rather than an actual theatrical release. Some of this is due to a quite superfluous subplot with cops played by Eli Wallach and Christopher Walken. I must admit that any '70s horror films that lazily throw a cop sublot into the mix really turn me off whether it's Christopher Walken as one of those cops or not.

I won't say that "The Sentinel" is my favourite horror movie but I certainly wouldn't discount it as a legitimate entry into the genre. It has a couple of decent jump scares and some scenes near the end which exploit a load of physically deformed people in ways that even Tod Browning would be proud of.

If you are a fan of '70s horror movies then you'll probably like this. It's not nearly as good as "The Omen" (1976) as a genuinely frightening Catholicism-based supernatural horror but it is still entertaining enough and has a few shocks if you haven't seen too many other horror films from this time. I rate "The Sentinel" as "Just Average".

Burning Bright (2010)

"A thriller centered on a young woman and her autistic little brother who are trapped in a house with a ravenous tiger during a hurricane."

I saw someone on Twitter mention that they were watching "Burning Bright" so I had to check it out for myself. I'm not sure that you could really describe it as a horror film but it did have some of the elements that we've all come to expect from the genre.

Starring Garret Dillahunt (Krug in "The Last House on the Left") and Briana Evigan (Cassidy in "Sorority Row"), "Burning Bright" at least used two actors with previous horror movie experience rather than someone you've never heard of even though their parts could have been played by absolutely anyone.

Basically, the whole film is an attempted murder using a tiger as the weapon. Johnny Gaveneau (Garret Dillahunt) buys an ex-circus Bengal tiger from Meat Loaf and, after using some illegal immigrants to stormproof his house, he locks the big cat in the now fortified building along with his two stepchildren. Obviously, Kelly (Briana Evigan) and her brother Tom (Charlie Tahan) spend the rest of the story trying to avoid being eaten.

Sounds good, doesn't it? Well, it would have been very good if only more use had been made of the tiger. Apart from one scene which mimicked the most exciting velociraptor attack in "Jurassic Park", you don't really get to see enough of the tiger and there isn't the feeling of menace that it should evoke.

Some of the tiger's antics are unintentionally amusing. From being able to smash its head through the wall in a "Here's Johnny!" moment to jumping through a glass door, you would think that a ferocious beast like that would have no problem savaging the hell out of a sexy, sweaty, piece of meat like Briana Evigan. All she got was a little clawing on one leg which made her perspire even more.

As much as I wanted to see Briana Evigan get eaten, I really wanted to see her annoying, retarded onscreen brother get devoured. If I'd been in her place, that kid would have been sacrificed to the tiger quite quickly. There are even hints (and a dream sequence) that her character would be capable of doing the same thing but it just didn't happen. The kid was such easy prey too.

Other ludicrous moments that annoyed me were that the tiger was not only impervious to sedative drugs but bullets fired at point blank range too. Even though I'm a cat owner, I don't know much about tigers apart from them being bigger than lions but I'm pretty sure that a handgun bullet to the face would stop one.

Anyway, given the predictable nature of films like this, I think you can guess what happens at the end without me spoiling it any more for you. The trailer gives it away if you watch it closely.

I actually enjoyed "Burning Bright" on a purely superficial and slightly sick level mainly because I wanted to see the tiger eat somebody. I felt sorry for the hungry tiger and, basically, just wanted to see it eat anything.

The acting was surprisingly okay especially as Briana Evigan carried the whole thing. Garret Dillahunt was underused but did well and the less said about the little kid, the better. I think it was a mistake to try and get sympathy for an autistic kid in a movie like this especially as he did nothing to make you want to care about him in the first place.

What worries me most about this film is that you just know that someone out there will probably try and do the same thing for real one day. In my darker moments, I've even thought about doing something like this myself but involving some very evil people, rabid feral cats and a tin shed. Now that would make a good film.

I'm torn as to whether or not to recommend "Burning Bright" since, although it had the potential to be very good and was quite an original idea, it didn't have enough tension or jump scares where it counted. If I had to rate it, I'd say it was average (maybe slightly below) but still quite entertaining. It was worth a Netflix rental anyway but isn't something that I'd rewatch.

The Collector (2009)

"Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps."

I thought that I'd reviewed this film ages ago when it first came out but, having looked through my notes, it seems I must have just talked to people about it and imagined writing a review because I don't have one. Maybe it was on my hard drive during the ill-fated week when I tried Ubuntu 10.04 out and had to wipe everything because it didn't work properly. Who knows? I'll just have to make up for it by reviewing it now.

So, "The Collector" is yet another "in the tradition of Saw" serial killer movies with a few good kills, a bit of torture and quite a few action scenes.

I was hoping that it was a remake of William Wyler's 1965 film of the same name starring Terence Stamp but, alas, subtle horror like that just doesn't work anymore. I think there may be a couple of nods to it even so. There's kidnapping and all that other good stuff in this though so I wasn't too disappointed. The premise of the film reminded me a bit of "Captured" from 1998 with Andrew Divoff but there are quite a few films where thieves break into houses only to end up becoming the victims themselves so any hope for an original story would seem to be futile.

The new spin on things here is that the psycho serial killer who only gets named as "The Collector" is a real sick dude who has such incredible handyman skills that he can set up a house full of mutilating traps in the few hours he has between pretending to be an exterminator and kidnapping an entire family apart from one daughter who has gone out and her sister who he can't find. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a black comedy but it seems to be played pretty straight so I'm not sure. Maybe it's just plotholes or the fact that it's ultimately not actually a very good film but all the traps and the time the killer has to set them up are a bit of a stretch.

The hero, if we can call him that, is played by Josh Stewart who I think is a bit of a David Arquette lookalike if you get him from the right angle. Maybe that's just me. His character, Arkin, is quite likable even though you know he's not exactly a good guy. I suppose you could say that his intentions are good but I think that real thieves are the scum of the earth so I really didn't care what happened to him. As much as I enjoyed the alternative ending with its more honest approach to what most of us would really do in the situation, the even more unhappy ending is what Arkin actually deserved. Horror movies have often been morality tales and "The Collector" simply continues the trend. It's not up there with John Carpenter's "Halloween" or any of the earlier "Friday the 13th" sequels but there are clearly some messages in it about what happens when you do wrong.

Similarly, the older daughter, Jill, played by Madeline Zima, gets her comeuppance for for breaking some obvious horror movie rules about sexual morality. It's like going back to the '80s with stuff like this but it's sometimes nice to see a few clichés. One thing is for sure, Madeline Zima certainly has a fine pair of clichés in this film.

There were quite a few things I didn't like about "The Collector" though. There's a pretty nasty and totally unnecessary scene with a cat which means that I will never have this film in my collection. I can't endorse things like that because I know how impressionable some people can be and I can almost hear the cheers from an audience of stupid little teenagers who would probably like to film their own version and stick it up on YouTube. There are enough little retards filling up animal shelters with the results of what they think is funny already and I find any animal cruelty (fake or not) in movies to be totally reprehensible. I don't particularly care what happens to people because they have a say in what happens to them but anything to do with animals is another matter. It really makes me want to get on my soapbox not because the scene caused any emotional response in me but because it was just so puerile and irresponsible. Hopefully sane people will be disgusted by what happens to the cat. There's a dog death later too for dog lovers to get upset about.

Although I found the gory effects used to be quite realistic, the action scenes themselves were overdone and incredible in a bad way. I probably should have used the word "implausible" but I was hoping to save that for my summary. Everything in "The Collector" is implausible even so but I suppose that's why it's a movie and not real life.

I was quite disappointed by the way the movie looked. At first I thought it was going to be yet another horrible handycam nasty as it seemed grainy and cheap. I'm still not entirely sure that it shouldn't be included in that category because the acting although adequate was nothing very special and the script even less so. There were just too many times where my willing suspension of disbelief was lost because of all the ridiculous traps or the superhuman qualities of "The Collector" himself. He pretty much turned into another Jason Voorhees at one point instead of a Spaniard in some kind of gimp mask.

One other thing I noticed was that there wasn't really a lot of tension to all the "cat and mouse" (or, more appropriately, "spider and fly") shennanigans inside the house. There were a couple of moments involving the safe where the timing was almost perfect but then things got a little bit predictable especially when it came to jump scares.

The ending, which presumably sets things up for some kind of sequel which I hope never gets made, was at least ten minutes too long. Although it was necessary from a moral angle, it was full of moments which jumped the shark and ruined a lot of the good things which had come before. Yes, in spite of writing what I now realise has turned into a pretty negative review, I can accept that there were quite a few good bits to this film too and it was generally entertaining to watch. I just felt that I'd seen a lot of this before not because it was completely unoriginal, because it wasn't, but because there's just so much you can do with any home invasion/torture movie in the first place.

I don't recommend "The Collector" because basically it's not so much derivative of the "Saw" franchise as it is a "Home Alone" for adults. The attempts to be original almost worked but then yet another formula came into play and undermined them. It wasn't all that scary either but it was disgusting enough if you like gore. It wasn't a very deep movie especially with a plot that you can summarise in one sentence if you really want to but, then again, what horror movie is? It's not as if any of us watch these things for some kind of spiritual enlightenment.

Years ago, I used to read reviews of films like this which often ended with the words, "beer and pizza". I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't really want either when watching this film but, as yet another bit of averageness among far too many similar offerings, you might enjoy it with whatever beverages and snacks (or lack of them) you choose.