Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)

"Alice returns to where the nightmare began: The Hive in Raccoon City, where the Umbrella Corporation is gathering its forces for a final strike against the only remaining survivors of the apocalypse."

There's no point writing any kind of in-depth review of "Resident Evil: The Final Chapter". It's just as disappointing and "samey" as all of the "Resident Evil" movies, and it's even more boring than playing one of the linear computer games that it's based on.

With lots of overly dramatic music, big bangs and explosions, crowds of zombies, close-up hand-to-hand combat, surprise T-virus mutated-zombie jump scares, and too much reliance on timers to create tension (which nearly always falls flat), you will rightly wonder who exactly this movie is intended for other than diehard fans. It certainly wasn't intended for me or anyone looking for characters with any depth or a story that can't be summarised in more than three sentences.

The only character to stand out even a little bit is Isaacs (played by Iain Glen, otherwise known as Ser Friendzoned from "Game of Thrones") who goes through various incarnations of being either a clone or the real Isaacs until you don't care which is which. Various other characters from the previous movies return as little more than cameos. Wesker, the Red Queen, and Claire whatever-her-name-is (played by Ali Larter) all get dressed up to play pretend for hardly any reason.

The rest is just a mess of running around and fighting in the dark with CGI everywhere and computery things popping up to remind you that this is all based on the Capcom console game which nobody has played since the late 1990s. It's not difficult to follow what little story there is, but it's not worth paying too much attention to it either.

There's a bit of anti-Christian nuttery to make it appeal to the Lefties, but since the motivation of the bad guys and subtext is blatantly more akin to the the rise of the SJW religion/virus and the rioting zombies who subscribe to that ideology, it comes across as a pathetic and hilarious misfire.

Sadly, the once uber hot Milla Jovovich really looks her age now (and more so, once you get the in-joke that I've just made), so I'm glad this is "The Final Chapter". Any more would be as embarrassing as middle-aged James Bond.

[REC] 4 Apocalypse posters revealed!

33 horror movies from 2012 which I will never watch

Speaking as someone who tries to watch every horror movie from every subgenre as they become available, there comes a point when the amount left to see is so overwhelming that harsh decisions have to be made about whether they will ever be watched or not.

Sometimes it's the subject matter, sometimes it's the uninspiring artwork and blurb on the DVD—occasionally, it's merely the name of the movie—but every case is assessed individually before I invest my time and money. Due to many years of experience, I can often tell if a movie is going to be a crappy one without even putting the DVD in the player. Mistakes still happen, and some of the slew of shit manages to slip through, but at least they're confined to rentals because I never blind buy.

You can me "narrow minded" if you like, but you'd be wrong. I'm cynical, and I usually do a lot of research before parting with my money. I don't succumb to marketing or peer pressure, so all my movie watching choices are entirely my own. The following, however, are the titles which didn't interest me enough to give them a chance.

Please note that I'm going "old school" with this post. There are no trailers, no pretty pictures, and no Amazon links. I'm just going to write a couple of sentences about each movie to give you a brief insight into how I choose what is worth watching and what isn't. I haven't actually watched even a second of any of these movies, and I never will.


1. 23 Minutes to Sunrise (2012)
Despite having Eric Roberts in it, what looks like a low-budget crime drama set in a diner doesn't appeal to me. The title suggests a vampire movie, but it isn't. It's also a lot more than 23 minutes long.

2. 1920: Evil Returns (2012)
Tempting though it is to watch an Indian version of "The Exorcist", I've done that before with another Hindi movie which I can't remember the name of. It wasn't good. There's novelty value here and a very beautiful actress, but I'll pass.

3. American Horror House (2012)
The SyFy channel's attempt to cash-in on the name of "American Horror Story" suggests that it's about ghosts, but it looks like a TV-rated slasher centred around a University sorority. I suspect it to be yet another load of annoying teenage girls running around and screaming. No, thank you.

4. Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)
I have no interest in Bigfoot or fake found footage, so this is an easy one to skip. I can imagine that it's all shakycams, some guy in a hairy costume, and everybody will die at the end.

5. Black Forest (2012)
Tinsel Korey, the scarred werewolf-girl from the "Twilight" movies is in this, but so is Ben Cross, and it's another SyFy movie. The blurb says that it's a fantasy set in the Black Forest, Germany, and has something to do with fairytales. If it was about gâteau, I'd be more inclined to watch it.

6. The Caretaker (2012)
A low-budget Australian "cabin in the woods" movie with vampires. That's all the information I need. Vampire kangaroos would be a much better idea.

7. Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)
It's a comedy, so it doesn't matter how many well-known British actors have cameos in it. Also zombies. Ugh! If I was still living in England, and it was shown on a satellite TV channel, I'd probably give it a few minutes just to ogle Michelle Ryan.

8. Community (2012)
Reading between the lines, this may be a British shakycam version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" set on a council housing estate. It has Jemma Dallender (the pretty star of the upcoming "I Spit on Your Grave 2") in it, but sadly, it's full of angry chavs as well.

9. Creep Van (2012)
Apparently, this is a low-budget slasher rather than the story of a possessed van. Either way, it sounds boring, and it's bound to look like a YouTube video.

10. Crowsnest (2012)
Canadian found footage about nomadic cannibals in an R.V. attacking a bunch of teenagers. Since it's Canadian, I imagine that the acting will be okay, but the plot will rip-off half a dozen more famous American cannibal movies and slashers.

11. The Dead Want Women (2012)
A Full Moon movie full of pretty girls and Eric Roberts. What could go wrong? I'll wait for it to appear on an Echo Bridge multipack, and then fast forward through it for the nudie bits. Not really.

12. Demon Hunter (2012)
There are so many movies like this in existence that I've probably already seen this under another name. Just different girls to see topless, more no-budget effects, and non-existent "acting" to spoil my day.

13. Donner Pass (2012)
This is bound to end up on Netflix. By not having the service anymore, I can ignore another bunch of pretty "teenagers" getting killed and eaten by cannibals. Strange title though. It makes me think of kebabs.

14. Fetish Dolls Die Laughing (2012)
With a title like that, it reeks of being a no-budget horror-comedy.

15. Freakshow Apocalypse: The Unholy Sideshow (2012)
It's one of those no-budget nasties which is directed by, written by, and stars the same person. I'll bet that it's about a bunch of weird-looking friends with more tattoos than teeth as they try to copy scenes from Rob Zombie videos. If I'm wrong, I don't care.

16. Ghoul (2012)
A made-for-TV clone of "The Goonies" and "The Monster Squad" maybe? Nope. I can't stand horror movies with little kids doing a load of investigating and their uncaring parents who don't believe them.

17. Girls Against Boys (2012)
A rape-revenge drama which might be good, but I've seen far too many rape-revenge dramas over the years. I'd be very surprised if it offers anything better than "I Spit on Your Grave" as it's probably a formulaic clone of the same thing.

18. Grave Encounters 2 (2012)
I didn't watch more than 5 minutes of the first one, so I'm not going to watch an obviously inferior sequel. I hate all those bullshit "Ghost Hunters" TV shows which this is supposed to look like anyway.

19. Haunted High (2012)
Another SyFy movie which I've had no interest in since learning that one of the morbidly obese movie reviewers from YouTube has a part in it. That, and the childish story itself, puts me right off wanting to see a couple of minutes of Charisma Carpenter.

20. Lizzie (2012)
Having seen the TV movie version, "The Legend of Lizzie Borden" (1975), I can't see any way that this could offer anything new.

21. Lost Woods (2012)
Because the title suggests a movie about erectile dysfunction on a porn set, I was intrigued for a few seconds. Finding out that it's about an alien creature, i.e. a guy wearing a bear costume and a "Predator" mask, who chases campers through a forest destroyed those hopes. It's clearly no-budget crap of the highest order.

22. Love Bite (2012)
Supposed to be a romantic-comedy version "The Inbetweeners" with a werewolf. Apart from Jessica Szohr, there doesn't appear to be any good reason to watch this low-budget "An American Werewolf in Paris" clone.

23. Monsters in the Woods (2012)
Yet another one of those "film crew shooting a movie" ones with boobs and blood but no-budget. Normally a good choice for a "Woeful Wednesday" post, but I have my limits.

24. The Mooring (2012)
"Every 40 seconds a person goes missing." And he's getting really sick of it now! It's a handycam "Friday the 13th" clone set in Idaho, so it's girls being chased through the woods by a psycho. Probably has potatoes in it too.

25. Night Claws (2012)
I wanted it to be a movie about cats, but it's another one about Bigfoot. It's distributed by Midnight Releasing, so it's got to be worse than something by The Asylum.

26. No Tell Motel (2012)
I have a horrible feeling that I've already seen this one... about 50 times over and made by other people! It's about a haunted motel, but it's not going to be as even half as good as "The Innkeepers". I was very disappointed by "The Innkeepers", by the way.

27. Parasitic (2012)
A Florida nightclub gets invaded by an alien parasite. Alrighty then, it's low-budget sci-fi/horror. Do not want!

28. Poe (2012)
Either a film about Edgar Allan Poe or something about toilets, right? No such luck. The blurb says it's about a serial-killing cannibal. In other words, this is no-budget Hannibal Lecter.

29. Rise of the Zombies (2012)
The SyFy channel does more zombies. Ethan Suplee (Randy from "My Name is Earl") is in this. I like him, but not more zombies! No more zombies ever!

30. Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood 3D (2012)
Just look at the title! You can probably tell me all the reasons why I wouldn't want to watch this! It's got Tom Savini and Kane Hodder in it too, and we all know what fantastic actors they are.

31. The Sleeper (2012)
Supposedly a "throwback to the '80s"-style slasher where another sorority house is killed off. Why would anyone feel the need to make something like this in a market already saturated by no-budget slashers?

32. Snow White: A Deadly Summer (2012)
The girl on the coverart looks beautiful, but I don't think another movie with Eric Roberts in it is going to be all that great. Added to that, it's a modern interpretation of the famous fairytale, and those really don't work well.

33. Vampireland (AKA The 6th Extinction) (2012)
A no-budget version of "Stake Land". In every conceivable way, NO!


Since half the fun of being a horror movie reviewer is finding things which other people may not have heard of, if you've actually seen any of these movies, feel free to let me know if I did the right thing by not watching them.

Gallowwalkers (2012)

"A cursed gunman whose victims come back from the dead recruits a young warrior to help in the fight against a gang of zombies."

Made seven years ago but still not due to be released until August, "Gallowwalkers" stars Wesley Snipes in a comicbook-style fantasy which is more like "The Crow" being played out on the set of a Sergio Leone western than "Blade" no matter what the promotional posters and trailer might want you to believe.

Pirates have already uploaded this film to the usual sites out of spitefulness rather than helpfulness, but as I'm a huge Wesley Snipes mark and will be buying the DVD anyway, I feel no guilt about succumbing to the streaming temptation. I'm not in the loop of chosen people who was sent a screener copy anyway although I damned well should have been. It's not going to taint my honest review of "Gallowwalkers", but it does leave a nasty taste in my mouth that someone who the distributors did trust with a screener then uploaded it.

Rather than spoil the big surprises of "Gallowwalkers" with a synopsis of what little plot there is, especially as I could describe it in one or two sentences and know that I'd done a good job, I have to begin by correcting an error in the IMDb description which I've quoted above. "Gallowwalkers" is definitely not about zombies. Thank God for that! Instead, it's a $17,000.000 hybrid of spaghetti westerns and "Hellraiser"-style fantasy-horror with laconic Wesley Snipes making a lot of strong poses and looking surly while far less well-known performers attempt to act around him. While not exactly brilliant, it's a typical Wesley Snipes movie.

There are worse things out tonight than vampires.

I say "performers" rather than "actors" because there isn't a whole lot of acting to talk about. Apart from the action scenes, and a fantastic cameo by Patrick Bergin, "Gallowwalkers" is mostly (but not entirely) one of those movies where once everybody got dressed up, they thought it would be enough to carry them through rather than putting any more effort in. Since it was filmed in a desert in Namibia, I'm sure the heat could be blamed for the overall listlessness, but that's not a satisfactory excuse for having the atmosphere of a cheap SyFy channel movie rather than a product designed for theatrical release.

Long camera shots, barren sets, very little dynamism, and stylistic homages to "High Plains Drifter", "Hang 'Em High", and "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" show that director Andrew Goth loves his Clint Eastwood westerns, but none of it comes together in the "cultish" way that I'm sure he wanted it to. I don't know the full story of why "Gallowwalkers" sat on the shelf for so long, but I assume Wesley Snipes' incarceration for tax evasion may have caused so many rewrites and a such a nightmare for the editors that we're lucky to have this movie at all.

To be brutally honest, "Gallowwalkers" is a bit of a mess, and there are some very weird elements in it which aren't properly explained, but as a salvage job, it's actually not bad overall. There are a couple of plot holes and a few loose ends, but I've obviously seen far worse things which other reviewers rave about. The good news is that it's not as boring as "Jonah Hex" (2010).

One intentionally quirky thing which sticks out is that the major characters are never named except in the end credits. I'm not sure if they were named very quickly and I missed it, but I don't think so. I suppose it doesn't matter because, for all intents and purposes, Wesley Snipes is the black version of "the man with no name", and the gang he fights is another generic and instantly forgettable bunch of baddies anyway.

Nice coat, dude!

Kevin Howarth tries hard to inject some menace into his role as the boss of the bad guys, and Riley Smith is likeable as Wesley Snipes' recruit, but everyone else is barely more than eyecandy. Nobody has more than two or three lines each throughout the movie, and the beautiful girls are underused to say the least. Tanit Phoenix, Simona Brhlikova, and Alyssa Pridham all shine in their few minutes of screen time, but none of their characters go anywhere. Simona Brhlikova is the best as the bad girl member of the gang, but Tanit Phoenix's character has almost no purpose whatsoever. Alyssa Pridham only appears in flashbacks for obvious reasons.

Of interest to Brits of a certain age, former children's TV personality Derek Griffiths has a role in this as Mosca. Yes, he's one of the lucky few whose character actually gets a name. His prosthetic make-up stands out more than he does, but it's nice to know that he's still around.

Due to its nature, there's nothing scary about "Gallowwalkers", but the violence and gory set pieces are nicely done. Gunshots which smash large chunks out of their targets and bullet holes with blood spurting out of them are always enjoyable. Decapitations are simply a bonus! There may not be anything here that hasn't been seen before, but the effects are very good, and there aren't lots of quick cuts to ruin them.

If you're a Wesley Snipes fan and can appreciate a very flawed movie which is more style over substance, you'll probably enjoy "Gallowwalkers". You might even find yourself saying the word "Lush!" on more than one occasion. I did, and I'm not that easy to please.

The Demented (2013)

"Six college friends unite for a weekend getaway where they find themselves fighting for their lives after a terrorist attack turns the local residents into rage infused zombies."

Gah! Another generic zombie movie which unfolds as a checklist of every formula, trope and cliché. Having said that, "The Demented" is put together more competently than most of these "Night of the Living Dead" and "28 Days Later" clones.

I'm not sure what the budget was for this movie, but apart from too many quick cuts during the action scenes, it looks quite professional. The locations are good, the pacing doesn't lag, the gore is realistic, and it even has some fairly decent acting in it. Unfortunately, there are no characters to care about unless you think any of them are hot. The pretty "teenagers" are as poorly defined as ever; the curse of trendy teen horror strikes again!

Everyone makes the same stupid decisions that you've seen a thousand times before although, in fairness, these are young Americans so what do you expect? There's hardly a brain cell among them considering that they are supposed to be "college students". I'd hazard a guess that they attend a community college rather than a University though, and they clearly haven't seen enough zombie films to know how to survive. How the latter could happen in a world saturated by zombie movies is anyone's guess.

One contrived scene where the black guy (yes, you know what is bound to happen to him!) swerves to avoid a little girl Rage-zombie after just running over an adult male Rage-zombie only a few minutes earlier is shark-jumping of the highest order. This same character also has no problem with using a baseball bat on an infected dog! Aw, but zombie kids are sacred. The ethical double-standards and levels of hypocrisy in this movie know no bounds!

I like pretty girls!

"The Demented" stars Kayla Ewell, Richard Kohnke, Ashlee Brian, Brittney Alger, Sarah Butler, and Michael Welch, but I have no idea who any of them are apart from the two girls in the picture above. Kayla Ewell is from "The Vampire Diaries" and Sarah Butler had the lead in the "I Spit on Your Grave" remake. It's safe to assume that everyone else is from TV shows.

As this is Christopher Roosevelt's directorial debut, I'm willing to let a few things slide and even admit that the "double-ending" of a dream followed by the more downbeat reality is a nice touch. It's not original, of course, but it's satisfying. Did I just spoil it? No, along with everything else, it's even in the trailer!

The bottom line is that "The Demented" is a rather entertaining but instantly forgettable "beer and pizza flick". You can play a good drinking game by taking a shot every time somebody refers to the rest of the group as "guys" too. Just be prepared to have your stomach pumped afterwards.

If you haven't seen any other running Rage-zombie movie EVER, you'll enjoy "The Demented". But what are the chances of that?

"The Demented" will be released on DVD and Blu-ray on July 30th, 2013.

Cutting Edge Cinema: Extreme Monsters

This is one of several multipacks from R Squared Films which came out during the Summer last year to compete directly with Echo Bridge Home Entertainment's "Midnight Horror Collection". Having artwork designed to fool the less observant buyer into thinking that these are more Echo Bridge Home Entertainment products is only slightly less reprehensible than the quality of the movies themselves.

Make no mistake, most of these "movies" (and I use that term very loosely) are the kind of no-budget, "hobby horror" dreck which give independent horror an even worse reputation than its deluded and easily butthurt fans have already made for it. According to various message boards and blogs, there's one movie in every pack that's tolerable, but the rest are almost unwatchable unless you enjoy the lowest common denominators on YouTube. Some lucky people even have defective DVDs that won't play all the movies listed anyway.

Other titles in the range include "Extreme Horror", "Extreme Vampires", "Extreme Zombies" and an "Extreme Canadian Horror: 5 Movie Collection" (presumably because nobody could find 3 more Canadian horror movies to make another 8 pack). I can't say that I have any interest in the others especially as the titles of each collection aren't entirely appropriate for the subject matter contained within.

"Extreme Monsters" is the first of these collections that I've bought. All the movies play perfectly, but it's likely to be the last of these packs for me based on what's in it.


Little Red Devil (2008)

"Jimmy Lidell is a 'nobody', stealing to earn a living in a dead-end life searching for his long lost girlfriend... until he meets Luc Tyer... a bigger-than-life underworld heavy that makes him an 'offer he can't refuse'. Jimmy accepts, but is leery about the secret motives behind Luc's willingness to teach the business. Jimmy's mother suspects that Jimmy may be running with the wrong crowd, but Jimmy turns a deaf ear to her religious warnings."

Tommy Brunswick's version of "Angel Heart" (1987) isn't too bad apart from the special effects and demon which looks like it escaped from "Legend" (1985). It's a bit slow, the characters aren't very likeable, but it's still very watchable and even has a couple of great performances which are completely wasted due to everything else.

Starring Daniel Baldwin, James Russo and Dee Wallace, "Little Red Devil" is the closest that Tommy has come to making a decent horror movie, but it's probably her last too. You have to give her credit for getting this far as a director though.


Spirits of the Fall (2008)

"This Halloween, the spirits are restless and things that go bump in the night are closer than they seem for Chris, a widower who is coming to terms with his loss. While living in his hotel, strange things begin to happen. Voices in the night and faces at the window are not uncommon and things are about to get a lot worse when he is forced to face the paranormal and save his wife's soul from the evil spirit of her killer."

This poorly acted haunted house movie is the only reason why I wanted this pack. It's a British "indie horror" (AKA crappy amateur movie) which makes it a bit of a novelty. As a country used to only renting real movies from Blockbuster, we don't go in for a lot of these no-budget nasties.

Having struggled to get through it, I can see why we have more sense in Britain than to get involved with such utter crap. Even if this was uploaded to YouTube, it would still be hated. The overused faux "Jacob's Ladder"-style head wobbling and screaming near the end is icing on the cake.

Definitely one to skip.


The Whistler (2006)

"When a no-good band of thugs enter a quiet small town to unleash their terror, nothing could prepare them for the wrath of a gentle giant who would defend the honor of his one true love to the end of his life, and beyond."

Entertaining in places, especially the nudity and gore effects early on, but ultimately "The Whistler" is another pile of zombie crap made by people with no storytelling skills whatsoever.

It tries so hard to be serious that it's often pompous rather than being bad enough to be unintentionally funny. The dialogue and delivery are particularly atrocious, but it's the pacing which kills it.

If I was bored enough, I would rewatch sections of this for the beautiful girls but not as a horror movie.


Where the Dogs Divide Her (2011)

"Where the Dogs Divide Her begins amid the aftermath of a family massacre. A nameless man sits in an unfamiliar bathroom, his bloodied hands trembling as he ponders his crime of passion. An amnesiac without an identity, he goes in search of himself, only to unearth a long-buried family secret surrounding the bizarre deaths of his parents. An abstract ghost story populated by ever-threatening specters, shadowy souls with evil motives who inhabit a nightmare world within a troubled killer's psyche. They might offer a smile or a kind word, but their only purpose is to snare others into their Hell. Before the killer can come to terms with his deeds and escape this esoteric prison, he must confront his dead parents and make good on an infant's promise made thirty years ago."

Great title, but a desperately horrible "experimental movie" full of flashbacks and flashforwards like this isn't likely to satisfy anyone. At nearly 2 hours long, it's quite an endurance test which I don't think many horror fans will tolerate. I really tried to enjoy it, but I couldn't. Sadly, I didn't make it to the end and have no desire to return to it for more brain-numbing torture.

Fans of David Lynch might get something out of it, but the characters were too uninvolving for me. I don't like arty-farty movies anyway, and I wouldn't call "Where the Dogs Divide Her" a horror movie either.

The music used is quite nice though.


They Must Eat (2006)

"Sanford will forever be a socially inept loser. Now approaching the age of forty, his only girlfriend of 3 years has given him the boot and he’s working a dead end job. Beyond despair, Sanford decides to ask his only living relative, Uncle Alistair, to take him in. Alistair is not very fond of his deadbeat nephew but with his failing health he needs someone around to carry on his work after he dies. Unfortunately for Sanford, Alistair’s work involves frequent murders to feed an evil clan of flesh eating ghouls that live in the woods surrounding his house. At first Sanford is terrified by these foul beasties, but then learns to lead them and actually train them after his Uncle passes. Now all those who cross him will suffer the wrath of his monstrous minions."

"They Must Eat" is a very low-budget, slightly comedic Tommy Brunswick movie which is reminiscent of "Willard" but with ghouls instead of rats.

It's definitely not the worst movie that I've ever seen, but it's one of those where it's sometimes more fun to look at the background than the foreground. Checking out what other people have in their houses or places of work in low-budget movies always satisfies a certain nosiness when things lag. Fortunately, the pace improves as the story progresses.

Apart from the gore, the highlight is a hot Jehovah's Witness played by Meshelle Melone (who has a bigger role in "Little Red Devil"). Look out for her nipple piercing!


Closet Space (2008)

"What happens when the quest for knowledge comes up against the insatiable hunger for flesh? Six grad students slowly and horrifically discover the answer as they search for their missing professor."

If you can make it through the irritating "found footage" during the titles, there's a kind of H.P. Lovecraft story struggling to be told in "Closet Space". Unfortunately, like all Lovecraftian horror, it's very boring. Stuart Gordon has nothing to worry about here!

As you might expect, the acting is inconsistent, the dialogue is cringeworthy, and the camerawork is mostly terrible. On the plus side, some of the effects are nicely done.


Dreams of the Dead (2007)

"For 15 years the large estate of Samuel Arnold has stood silent and empty. From its darkened windows, dark and foreboding eyes stare out from behind the glass. But like a midwinter’s breeze in the lonely hours of the night, something stirs in both dreams and reality, unable to find any peace. What is the mystery of Danbury House?"

Originally titled "The Haunting of Danbury House" and taglined as "An Erotic Haunting", this is merely an excuse to wrap up a couple of beautiful girls getting topless with a badly arranged mystery. Natasha Neilsen (from "Bikini Bloodbath") is my favourite, by the way.

Despite that, some of the acting is half-way decent, and it's filmed competently enough. What sets this apart from the other movies in the pack is the location. Although not to my taste, the house itself is outstanding if you like that Victorian sort of thing.

As a ghost story, "Dreams of the Dead" isn't scary or creepy in any way. Possibly the most horrific things are the songs performed by the lead and her band. One of them is apparently called "Lava Lamp of Love"! What the Hell?


Evil Offspring (2009)

"There is a definite balance to the forces of good and evil in the universe. The quiet backwoods town of Angel Falls is home to this great equalizer! Enter two unsuspecting lost souls trying to find their way back to the highway, and become stranded on an old farm. The owners, Pa and Nan are quite hospitable, to the right type of guests, but if you’re a sinner, you wind up on their chopping block and fed to the voracious creatures known as THE EVIL OFFSPRING."

Finally, we have a third film by Tommy Brunswick, but not a very good one. I have a feeling that Tommy just sent all her movies apart from "Mr. Jingles" off to R Squared for distribution and hoped for the best. I wouldn't be surprised to see more of her movies on other multipacks from this company although I haven't checked into it.

Suffice it to say that "Evil Offspring" is made up of the same ensemble cast as Tommy's other movies, homages several very famous horror movies (in particular, "The Evil Dead" at the start), but then turns into a mixture of exploitation and badly done torture porn. At least there's a proper monster in this one again, the practical effects are mostly okay, and it's moderately entertaining in places.

The acting really sucks, and the line delivery often proves to be more than anyone can handle, but "Evil Offspring" tries to have a clever (also unoriginal) twist at the end.


I really don't recommend "Extreme Monsters" to anyone who calls themselves a horror fan. None of the movies deliver any scares whatsoever, plus only half of them are actually about "monsters" unless you stretch that term very broadly.

I got my copy of "Extreme Monsters" from my local pawn shop, but if you're a bit silly and want one for yourself, you're going to have to search the drugstores such as RiteAid or order it from Amazon.

As far as I know, these "Cutting Edge Cinema" collections haven't shown up in places like Wal-mart's bargain bins yet although they are available from Wal-mart's online store from between $5 to $12.

I can't honestly remember where I last saw these packs in the flesh because it was so long ago, but I think they may have been in Kmart. Next time I go, I'll be able to confirm it because I bet there are plenty of them left. Kmart's online store has them listed for $9.99 each anyway.

World War Z (2013)

"United Nations employee Gerry Lane traverses the world in a race against time to stop the Zombie pandemic that is toppling armies and governments, and threatening to destroy humanity itself."

It's not often that a Summer movie is so boring that I can barely bring myself to write a review of it, but "World War Z" has easily earned that dubious honour for this year. I'm not so secretly still hoping that someone will announce how the movie is meant to be a high-brow meta-parody of the zombie subgenre just so that I can stop feeling disgusted with myself for wasting two hours on this utter shite. Given its lack of tension or scares, the unintentional laughs which certain scenes are likely to provoke suggest that has to be some multi-million dollar trolling, right?

Very loosely based on a novel by Max Brooks which I've never heard of and have no intention of reading, "World War Z" is little more than several CGI-fuelled action set pieces (which are given away in the trailer) padded out with a whole lot of nothing else. Fundamentally, it's a big-budget attempt to cash-in on the success of "The Walking Dead" and all the other apocalyptic-virus/zombie movies which sheep-like teenagers have ironically bought into.

The running zombies from "28 Days Later" (which I also loathe) are back again, but this time they have a hive-mind like ants or the numpties who waste all day posting on Reddit. That, in itself, should give "World War Z" a minor claim to originality except not really. If you ever watched a certain episode of "The Burning Zone" TV series back in the day, the concept of a sentient virus has been done before but better. It's not exactly a new idea. Philosophers have been speculating about this very thing, vis-à-vis mankind's relationship to the planet, for centuries.

The other big difference between "World War Z" and the thousands of zombie clones already in existence is that this movie is appropriately named as a cure for insomnia. I assume once again that the "Z" is meant to be some kind of in-joke about sending the audience to sleep rather than standing for "zombies" or Z-grade which it most certainly is.

Glasgow has become so Americanised!

Contrivances abound such as using the liability of an asthmatic kid to bring Brad Pitt's character into a direct, street level confrontation with the world gone mad, but the worst part of the "adventure" (for that is what it is) is the wild goose chase all over the world to find the answer to how the outbreak started. It serves no purpose other than to show zombies running amok in more countries.

As with every Summer movie, there's lots of gunfire, vertigo-inducing aerial shots, huge explosions (including the obligatory exploding helicopter and a plane crash), and it's all very loud. Unfortunately, even with the mid-range turned up to deafen everyone, Brad Pitt is still a mumbler, the African actor who plays his United Nations boss has an accent that's almost impenetrable, and the lack of characterisation means that nobody cares what anyone is saying anyway. Apparently, the actors were told to improvise their own dialogue, and it shows badly. Just a minor quibble, but isn't this why movies have writers?

With its predominantly blue, green and beige palette, and no bright red blood or gore to get excited about, "World War Z" is particularly bland visually. The camerawork is awful, some scenes are way too dark, and the quick cuts in the action scenes mean that its impossible to tell who is doing what to who. The fact that so little time is spent on characters who randomly appear only to disappear again just as quickly render the whole movie emotionally inert so why would you even care in the first place?

Characterisation is actually so flat that if you aren't looking out for it, you're unlikely to catch the name of Brad Pitt's character let alone anyone else's. It's Gerry, by the way, but I couldn't tell you the names of his wife or children despite the story pointlessly cutting back and forth to them onboard an aircraft carrier. Whoever his ginger-haired wife is, she doesn't do anything except look mopey and hug her greasy-haired brats so what's the point of her? Gingers have no souls anyway and neither does whoever made this horrible movie. Ah yes, it's Marc Forster, the same guy who made the equally unwatchable "Quantum of Solace". Case proven.

I could bitch about "World War Z" all day, but I'm not going to. Nine paragraphs is more than enough to critique a boring, PG-13 rated zombie movie which wouldn't even be worthy of the SyFy channel if Brad Pitt wasn't involved in it. Forget the 3D gimmick too, it's a waste of the extra $3 which you could use to buy a DVD of a real horror movie meant for adults instead.

Although I could have summed-up "World War Z" in one four-letter word with an optional seven-letter expletive preceding it, I'll leave it with an even better three-letter word:

Meh.

V/H/S/2 (2013)

"Searching for a missing student, two private investigators break into his house and find collection of VHS tapes. Viewing the horrific contents of each cassette, they realize there may be dark motives behind the student's disappearance."

I wasn't going to watch this after how much I hated the first "V/H/S", but faced with the choice between "V/H/S/2" or "The Purge" (aka "The Strangers 2022"), I decided against the PG-13 claptrap.

Yes, I know that choosing between "V/H/S/2" or "The Purge" is like choosing whether to eat warm vomit or cold vomit, and normally I'd pass on both, but there's nothing else new to watch. One thing is for certain though, it doesn't matter how many good reviews "The Purge" gets about its alleged "social commentary", I'm done with Bumhole Productions. I won't be watching "InSHITious 2" either.

As far as sequels go, "V/H/S/2" is technically better than the original. Even though it's only more faux "found footage" with shakycams aplenty, extra cameras where there shouldn't be cameras, and no explanation or logic behind why any of these movies would be on obsolete VHS tapes in the first place, the excessive gore makes up for it.

Unfortunately, the stories are just as weak as before with lots of bad acting and "WTF" moments which give away its amateurish composition. 13-year-olds or any of the ADHD, games console generation will undoubtedly love it. Giving credit where it's due, the pacing is a hell of a lot better this time though.

I was pleasantly surprised that "V/H/S/2" didn't make me want to toss my cookies within the first five minutes. There's never a good reason why anyone should need to take Dramamine before watching a movie in the comfort of his own home. It's always nice to be able to finish a movie that you've paid to see online (or anywhere else for that matter).

Numerically, I rate "V/H/S/2 as a 3 out of 10, but as it's a new movie which most of you haven't seen yet, I'm not going to go into depth about the reasons why.

Instead, I'll post my Twitter feed (edited into the correct chronological order) so you can read my reactions as they happened. Some people got a kick out of when I did this for the "Evil Dead" remake although I actually put more effort into those.

A SPOILERIFIC TWITTER COMMENTARY WILL FOLLOW.
Do not read any further if you want to watch "V/H/S/2" on your own.

No idea what her name is, but she's very pretty.

I didn't put any timings before each Tweet this time because I couldn't be bothered. You can easily match them up to each segment though.

I'm watching V/H/S/2 (57 others are watching) http://bit.ly/ZBrKvD #GetGlue #VHS2

Nice boobs. It'll be all downhill from here. #vhs2

Eeek! A penis! #vhs2

If another penis shows up, I won't be watching any more of it. :( #vhs2

No acting ability or camerawork ability whatsoever. #vhs2

Apple product placement. ::yawn:: #vhs2

Why is it that the 5 people in the world who use Macbooks all have to be in horror movies? #vhs2

A bionic eye? Really? OMG This sucks. #vhs2

If they can't hold a camera steady, what's the point? This isn't film, it's YouTube. :( #vhs2

This is the worst POV I've ever seen. Where's the camera? On top of his head? Supposed to be in his eye. :( #vhs2

So if you get a bionic eye, you can see ghosts with it? Somebody should have told Steve Austin that. :( #vhs2

This bionic eye guy has a really big house. Probably a rent boy. #vhs2

He lives in a great big house like that but he wears a plastic Casio watch? You have to be kidding me. #vhs2

Oh, God! The girl was born deaf? So she's Jaime Sommers now? Drinks beer too? Low-class skank. #vhs2

Tits ahoy! #vhs2

Scientists capable of creating a bionic eye transfer the data from it to low-tech VHS tape? Yeah, right. #vhs2

I just knew it would have an "If thyne eye offends thee, pluck it out" ending. Gah! Seen it all before in "Body Bags". #vhs2

So who's the meth lab chav in the Macbook video? Probably has an ASBO. #vhs2

iPhone placement. ::yawn:: #vhs2

I think we can see where the camera was mounted on the first dude now that we have the mountain bike nerd. #vhs2

Wait. He has a camera on his handlebars looking at him too? What a whore! Must be a YouTuber. #vhs2

"I've got a big fucking stick!" Really? Am I bothered? Face. Bothered. Face. Bothered. I'm not even bothered. Zombies? Gah. :( #vhs2

Give a film school student a camera and what do they do? Make a zombie film. Shove it up your arse! #vhs2

"He's like covered in blood." LIKE covered in blood? How LIKE covered in blood is that? Ketchup maybe? That's LIKE blood. #vhs2

Self-aware zombie? Fail. #vhs2

Bored with the third story already. No idea what language the guy is speaking. Korean maybe? #vhs2

Translator chick is hot. #vhs2

Blair Witch stick figures? Really? #vhs2

Who put the subtitles in when they transferred it to VHS tape? #vhs2

Who is filming what? Seems to be a lot of extra cameras in the third story. #vhs2

Did they leave a camera filming from the boot of their car? Why? #vhs2

I've eaten a whole bag of Bugles (Nacho Cheese flavour) watching this. #vhs2

Ok, I admit that Stanley knife to the throat was good. #vhs2

Nice bit of splatter in the third story. #vhs2

But now it's turned into Quake. :( #vhs2

Baphomet wants his daddy! "Papa!" LOL #vhs2

Lots of snot. LOL #vhs2

They are making a movie with a dog-cam? 'Murica. :( #vhs2

Bah. Aliens? Aliens don't exist. What utter horseshit. #vhs2

I think they killed the cute little dog. Fuck the makers of this film. #vhs2

The chav shot himself. Flinched. Missed. Blew his face off. Most common accident for potential suicides. Now he's Zoidberg. #vhs2

The wraparound story made no sense. Ah well, another one for the video game generation. :( Crap. #vhs2

It was easier to watch than V/H/S, but... meh. Some nice gore effects, but why all the extra cameras, and who put the films onto VHS? #vhs2

My rating for V/H/S/2 = 3 out of 10. Not scary. Not shocking enough. Seen it all before but filmed with steadier cameras. #vhs2

I'm not sure what the names of each segment in this anthology are, and I don't really care that much to look them up either. The third segment with the cult is easily the best, but the second with the zombies is kind of okay too. In both cases, there are too many extra cameras floating about which makes a mockery of the "found footage" gimmick. The wraparound story is just a waste of time.

My biggest criticism of "V/H/S/2" is that there are too many zombies in it. Two segments and the wraparound story are full of zombies, and like most people, I've already seen enough zombie movies to last me a lifetime.

4 Films Horror Collector's Set: 3

This pack and the following one were both released at the same time in March 2010 so it's pretty much impossible to give them a chronological "volume number". Amazon calls this "Vol. 5", but it's the third of these packs that I saw and bought. I didn't really want yet another copy of "Night of the Living Dead" (which I now have 14 times!), but I got it cheap in a "4 for $10" pawn shop deal.

Even though "Night of the Living Dead" is a space-filling reissue from their first series of classic horror multi-feature DVDs, Echo Bridge Home Entertainment put together quite a varied set here. The three "new" films are ones which most people wouldn't have gone out of their way to buy previously.

There are several known stars in these movies, but as usual, their performances (and the movies themselves) vary in quality. Let's face it, if these were top-notch horror movies, they wouldn't be in a $5 multipack.


Night of the Living Dead (1968)

"When a brother and sister visit the gravesite of their deceased father, the dreaded trip turns into a terrifying nightmare when night falls and a flesh-eating zombie attacks. Starring Russell Streiner and Judith O'Dea."

If you don't know this classic George A. Romero movie by now, you can consider your "horror licence" revoked. I'm not going to review it again.

There's an apology about the print quality before "Night of the Living Dead" begins which is nice. You might think it's unnecessary since they've used the same Public Domain master as every other DVD version, but this transfer is particularly bad.

If you've honestly never seen "Night of the Living Dead" before, this is the cheapest way of getting it on DVD other than downloading it and burning it to DVD yourself. Ideally, most fans would rather pick up for the true "remastered" Elite Entertainment version instead.


Hindsight (2008)

"When an unexpectedly pregnant—and broke—couple lists their unborn baby for adoption on the internet to score an upfront payment, they're lured into a twisted, sadistic game of desperation and deception. Starring Jeffrey Donovan, Leonor Varela, Waylon Payne, and Miranda Bailey."

"Hindsight" is a solid but very slow thriller with some violence and a creepy twist that almost makes it a horror movie.

The production values are good, the acting is decent, and Leonor Varela is beautiful. Does that save it from being a bit boring though? Not really.

Give or take some of the more adult scenes, this is almost Hallmark Channel stuff. With its cast made up of actors who have all been quite successful in TV dramas fairly recently, "Hindsight" is a contemporary non-horror genre movie which would be better in a "4 Films Thriller Collector's Set" if such a thing even exists.

A very recognisable face in this movie is Richard Riehle who plays Peter (as in "Saint Peter" if you haven't guessed the twist from the title itself).


Cruel World (2005)

"A vengeful reality show reject traps nine co-eds in his own sick version of reality TV—where the challenges are bizarre, the danger is real and death is just a competition away. Starring Edward Furlong, Jaime Pressly, and Andrew Keegan."

Having never heard of it before, I wasn't expecting a lot from "Cruel World", but it's only supposed to be a fun "Ten Little Indians"-style slasher film with a decent budget anyway.

Just because it has some humour, "Cruel World" isn't really a horror-comedy in spite of how some sites categorise it. If you hate reality TV shows, the satire is kind of cool in places, but you'll still hate reality TV shows just as much afterwards. The drawback is that everything looks, feels and sounds like a slick teen movie rather than a reality TV show so there's no catharsis possible.

Sadly, Jaime Pressly is only in it for the first 15 minutes, but it's enough to get your fix if you fancy her. There are several other pretty girls with very little characterisation (or clothing) to make up for her absence otherwise.

Much maligned Edward Furlong really seems to enjoy his role as a slob, but how much of that is acting or a result of how things were for him at the time is hard to tell. Whatever the case, he definitely stands out more than anyone else and gleefully chews the scenery.

The kills in "Cruel World" range from mildly amusing to effective although, ultimately, this movie is a huge waste of acting talent. The epilogue/end is nothing but hastily cobbled together nonsense.


Razor Eaters (2003)

"A lethal mix of Fight Club, Jackass and Natural Born Killers, RAZOR EATERS follows an anarchistic gang on their week-long rampage of violence, death, and destruction. Based on shocking true events."

Based very loosely on the exploits of the Hedge-Burners gang who plagued Melbourne, this violent Australian movie provides a powerful and very serious finale.

The trouble is that it looks cheap and nasty like a film school student's project. It probably is one too, but I don't really know any of the details about how it came to be made. All I can say is that if you're expecting this to be another "Romper Stomper", "Chopper" or "Snow Town", you'll be very disappointed.

The switching between handheld cameras and badly lit, grainy film makes a mockery of the decent $1,500,000 budget (which the IMDb claims it had). Windowboxing it to save space on the DVD doesn't help either.

Crime films aren't really my thing no matter how much bloodshed there is in them, so "Razor Eaters" is the least watchable of the movies in this pack for me. I didn't get very far into it before switching it off through boredom. Your mileage, however, may vary.


As entertaining as it might be overall, once again, we have another weak link in these multi-feature sets. While offering very good value, the three newer movies can only be rated as 3.5 out of 10 on a good day, and less than that on a bad one.

Even with the inclusion of "Night of the Living Dead", I wouldn't recommend buying this "4 Films Horror Collector's Set" unless you are a completist. Now that these movies make up half of "The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Movie Pack Vol. 6" (with the others being the final "4 Films Horror Collector's Set" from June 2010), the 8 pack is the better way to go.

It has to be said that "The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Movie Pack Vol. 6" (the final obviously numbered one) is pretty weak too though. You may want to save your money for a newer one with a good combination of Full Moon and Miramax horror titles in it instead.

4 Films Horror Collector's Set: 1

There are two almost identical versions of this pack from 2009. The one I have has "Salvage" instead of "Wages of Sin" (2006) which is in place of "Bloody Mary" on the cover of the other. "Wages on Sin", however, is also on the second (chronologically the fourth or fifth) of my "4 Films" collections. Thus, Echo Bridge Home Entertainment were up to confusing mischief right at the beginning.

Shenanigans!

Prior to June 2009, the 20 "Horror Classics" multipacks were made up of Public Domain movies much like the ones from Mill Creek Entertainment so everybody thought the duplicates were merely schoolboy errors from a new company rather than intentional. How wrong we were!

While the "official" Volume 1 contains "Prom Night" (1980), "Nadja" (1994), "Skeleton Man" (2004) and "The Nurse" (1997), Volume 2 has "The Satanic Rites of Dracula" (1973), "The Terror" (1963), "Night of the Living Dead" (1968) and "The Devil Bat" (1940).

The throwback/reissue of four titles from their Public Domain catalogue makes a bit of a mess in the midst of the more modern horror movie packs especially as everyone is likely to have them several times over from other sources. Thinking that the series was only going to be a repackage/reissue of "Horror Classics", many collectors decided to ignore these multipacks in favour of the ones from Mill Creek Entertainment from then on. Being a late arrival to the party and already a collector of Mill Creek packs, I missed out on this kerfuffle completely.

If you think that I should have started with the chronological first volume rather than the first one I bought, you can rest assured that we haven't heard the last of "Prom Night", "Nadja", "Skeleton Man" and "The Nurse" by any stretch of the imagination.


Mortuary (2005)

"A family movies to a small town to run a long-abandoned funeral home, only to discover that something evil lurks there—something that raises the dead and feeds upon death itelf. Starring Dan Byrd and Denise Crosby. Directed by Tobe Hooper."

Most people (especially on message boards) seem to really hate this Lovecraft-style "B movie", but it's not that bad until the CGI vines and zombies start appearing. "Mortuary" has a good atmosphere for the first 30 minutes or so and a fair bit of creepiness going on. Too much comedy ultimately ruins everything, the pace drags in the middle, and it's a bit of mess towards the end, although it's still about the same as something moderately gory which you'd normally see on the SyFy channel.

Dan Byrd is a couple of years too old to play a teenager and Denise Crosby from "Star Trek" looks very worn, but neither is as bad as 34-year-old Alexandra Adi playing half her age (even though she doesn't look it unless you scrutinize her). If there's any justice in the world, I'm sure she looks her age nowadays. The worst offender, however, is diminutive 12-year-old Stephanie Patton playing either an 8-year-old or a mentally challenged tweenager. In fairness, it's hard to decide what she is other than extremely annoying.


Memory (2006)

"When Dr. Taylor Briggs is exposed to a mysterious drug while lecturing in Brazil, he is forced to relive the dark, twisted memories of a killer whose work may not be over. Starring Billy Zane, Tricia Helfer, Ann-Marget and Dennis Hopper."

For a slow-moving, Billy Zane-centric thriller, this isn't bad either. The made-for-TV aesthetic is a little bit off-putting at first, but when the horror elements start kicking-in, it's all very entertaining. The twist/reveal is a tad "Scooby Doo" and doesn't come as a big surprise if you watch a lot of movies like this.

Don't expect any gory unpleasantness from "Memory" as it's primarily one of those predictable "hero shares a psychic link with a kidnapper/murderer" deals with the usual discovery contrivances, some product placement, and a couple of nice tweaks to the formulas. Even from a heterosexual male point of view, Billy Zane is a very attractive man, and this is an excellent vehicle for him to show his talents as an actor.

The only bad point is a confusing scene 1 hour and 15 minutes in which feels forced rather than being part of any logical progression or set off by any trigger. Since the dénouement follows it, it's a glaringly rushed join.


Bloody Mary (2006)

"When a group of psychiatric hospital nurses invoke the spirit of Bloody Mary—a supposed urban myth—the slaughter begins. The legend is real, her vengeance is fatal, and to free her, all you have to do is say her name."

After two reasonably good movies, by necessity there has to be a bad one. Lots of pretty girls can't redress the balance in this "Candyman" clone, but they do at least try to by showing some skin. The opening scene has the best looking actress, and it's amusing watching her walk toe-to-heel without any shoes on. A nurse who is used to wearing high heels gives away the casting decisions.

If you're not a fan of "Candyman" or the "Urban Legend" trilogy, "Bloody Mary" is a lower-budget alternative which fits into the latter's "trendy teen horror" subgenre with no problem. As a supernatural slasher, it's not very memorable though.


Salvage (2006)

"Claire Parker is going to die. At the hands of a sadistic and depraved killer, she will endure a terrifying, unimaginably brutal death—and it will all happen again. Starring Lauren Currie Lewis and Chris Ferry."

Having once owned the single DVD version of "Salvage" which I sold at a yard sale years ago because it was so amateur and boring, I don't really need to say much more about it. It's yet another confusing, low-budget horror version of "Groundhog Day" which also owes an enormous debt to all the old Amicus anthologies or anything else with a downbeat twist at the end. It's "windowboxed" too to save space.

Don't do what I did and confuse "Salvage" (also known as "Gruesome") with the 2009 movie of the same name which was filmed on the set of "Brookside" because it isn't the same thing at all.


Despite being bare-bones releases, these movies don't need any extras anyway so having two on each side of a single DVD without commentaries and featurettes isn't anything to complain about. The menu system is adequate and the transfers are decent enough.

The only problem for collectors is that these movies have been repeated another 6 times throughout the "4 Films" and "Midnight Horror" DVD packs without even counting the latest Blu-ray versions.

Nowadays, "The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Movies Pack Vol. 5" has replaced this set (plus the following one), offers marginally better value for $5, and takes up one less shelf space.

Obviously, the "4 Films Horror Collector's Set" is still worth buying for $2.99 from Kmart (or less on Amazon and eBay) if you either don't want or already have the other titles.

The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Movie Pack (Vol. 2)

This pack from two years ago is the first and last of the real "volumes" before Echo Bridge Home Entertainment started reissuing their previous "Horror Collector's Sets" with different cover art. You'll see what I mean as I continue these posts about multipacks.

You have to be very careful with these "Midnight Horror" collections if you are on a restricted budget especially as "Vol. 3" is made up of the Full Moon second disk from the first Midnight Horror collection plus "Zombie Dearest" from this one. Most collectors who are after "completeness" will find themselves with multiple copies of the same movies just to get one or two extra ones which aren't worth watching.

Echo Bridge Home Entertainment horror movie collections are always worth the money individually, but the sheer number of them which they've created by remixing their limited catalogue is very annoying. I would rather pay $60 or so and have everything that they have to release in one bigger pack rather than "Demonic Toys 2" and "Prom Night" half a dozen times. Obviously, Echo Bridge Home Entertainment won't make as much money if they do that so it's never likely to happen.


Watch Me (2006)

"One by one Tess Hooper's friends are brutally murdered. Linking them together is a file that spreads through electronic address books to seek its victims."

If you're anything like me, you'll switch this movie off after the first few seconds because it's clearly a "micro budget" Australian clone of "The Grudge", "The Ring" and several other Asian horror movies mixed together.

Having now seen it all, I can only say that it should be renamed as "Don't Watch Me".


Deadfall Trail (2009)

"Three campers head into the wilderness for a bare-bones expedition, but when the situation becomes desperate, the building tension reaches a breaking point."

Unless you are really into testosterone, survivalism, and men going mad in the wilderness for no good reason, there's not much to get excited about with this low-budget drama either.

Unfortunately, it's so talky that you can't even fast forward through it to say that you've seen the good bits. If you stay with it, there's a nude woman covered in blood at one point, but apart from some nasty bug eating, this movie barely counts as horror.


The Fear Chamber (2009)

"A detective is on the verge of capturing a serial killer, but nightmarish visions thwart his efforts."

Although it's very slow-moving and predictable, there's some lovely gore in "The Fear Chamber" which is worth fast forwarding to and replaying.

The supernatural revenge plot is a nice twist on "The Hands of Orlac" formula, but ultimately, too much time is spend on the cop wrestling with his inner demons. It might have worked if the lead had been able to act his way out of a paper bag.


Haunted from Within (2004)

"A modern retelling of the legend of La Llorana unfolds in an Arizona town."

This is an absolutely horrible movie in every way and on every level, but at least it has beautiful Rina Fernandez in it.

Sometimes an actress is so beautiful that you think you could just gaze at her all day doing nothing and enjoy it. "Haunted from Within" will, however, prove any such theory wrong.

There are much better low-budget "La Llorona" (pronounced "Yorona") movies available and quite a few worse ones. This was originally called "Spirit Hunter: La Llorona" just to confuse collectors of La Llorona movies such as myself.


Evil Bong II: King Bong (2009)

"On the search for a cure for their strange weed-smoking side effects, a group of stoners head to South America."

The same characters as the first "Evil Bong" movie and pretty much the same jokes too. Despite a change of location, what looks like a bigger budget, and even more topless models, it's not good.


Demonic Toys 2 (2010)

"When an oddball group of characters gather to inspect an ancient puppet, strange things begin to happen."

A couple of pretty actresses don't quite make up for the pacing problems, boring story, and poorly differentiated killer toys in this weirdly numbered third sequel. None of the "Demonic Toys" movies are as good as the "Puppet Master" ones, and that's really saying something since they are all terrible even as comedies.

I tried to like it, but "Demonic Toys 2" is somewhat unengaging, too slick looking and sounding, and tries vainly to be a throwback to the '90s instead of catering for a modern audience. Something went very wrong in the mix this time, but everyone is allowed a turkey or two. Putting all the turkeys together on one DVD is asking for trouble though.


Doll Graveyard (2005)

"A teenage loner discovers a set of handmade dolls buried in his backyard. When the clan comes to life, they protect him from harm... fighting a bloody battle in his name."

Easily the best movie in this pack. "Doll Graveyard" might be yet another '80s-style "Puppet Master" and "Demonic Toys" clone, but the wish fulfilment and revenge angle is well played and uses the stereotypical characters perfectly. The casting of the actors is also very good. In particular, the brother and sister look as if they could be siblings in real life.

I enjoyed this one. It's a real shame that it's "windowboxed" on large screen TVs and is shorter than a regular feature by a good 20 minutes.


Zombie Dearest (2009)

"While digging up the septic tank, Gus unearths an obedient, hard-working zombie... a zombie that will do whatever he wants."

When I read the plot synopsis, I thought that this would be another "Fido", but it's not even in the same league. More mediocre than anything else, "Zombie Dearest" only held my interest because of the facial similarity between sexy Shauna Black and Carol Decker from T'Pau (remember them?). I won't use the emoticon which looks like this: o_O because that would be cruel.

If "Zombie Dearest" is supposed to be a horror-comedy then, once again, I missed all the horror and the jokes.


Thus, volume two of "The Midnight Horror Collection" contains one DVD full of lacklustre, low-budget dreck coupled with another which is mostly made up of equally dire Full Moon titles. I'd give it a 50/50 chance of ending up in my yard sale, but that may change again nearer the time.

I have one reader of this blog who I know would love to live in America and have access to all these multi-feature DVDs, but since the dozens of multipacks usually contain the same movies over and over again, I can assure him that he really isn't missing out on much.

"The Midnight Horror Collection 8 Movie Pack" series has now reached "Vol. 13". I only have one more of the 8 packs myself, and it doesn't even have a volume number on it. Instead, I collected the original "Horror Collector's" sets as they came out or ended up in my local pawn shop. While I may still be missing two or three movies, I don't have any desire to buy more.

In my coming posts, I'll go through each "4 Film Horror Collector's Set" and let you know in which "Midnight Horror" packs the movies have been repeated.

Warm Bodies (2013)

"After R (a highly unusual zombie) saves Julie from an attack, the two form a relationship that sets in motion a sequence of events that might transform the entire lifeless world."

"Warm Bodies" feels like an unofficial sequel to George A. Romero's "Land of the Dead" (2005) but toned-down to a PG-13 rating for the "Twilight" crowd using a similarly romantic story. Apparently, it's based on a book by Isaac Marion. I probably don't need to tell you that I've never read it and probably never will do either.

Essentially, it's another "Romeo and Juliet" designed to cash in on the last dregs of the zombie craze which has already gone way beyond annoying. On the plus side, "Warm Bodies" is quite decently made and enjoyable enough to watch. The slow pace and teenage comedy will put a lot of people off this one though. Once again, it's not really a horror movie.

Everybody will be comparing "Warm Bodies" to "Twilight" so I might as well get those aspects out of the way. Yes, the lead zombie is English just like Robert Pattinson and even looks a bit like him from some angles. His name, "R", could even be an homage to Robert Pattinson if you are dumb enough to not push it all the way to it's Shakespearean predecessor. The girl is, by necessity, Julie in case you still don't get it. And just like "Romeo and Juliet", "Twilight", and every other love story, they fancy each other but can't be together because they are from different worlds... blah, blah, blah. I can't really complain about "Warm Bodies" too much given my status as one of the few "Twilight-friendly" horror bloggers, but I didn't really get a lot out of it.

Nicholas Hoult (Tony from "Skins") and Teresa Palmer (Vanessa from "The Grudge 2") are okay in their roles. There's nothing special to report about them one way or another. They look the part except that they are both too old to play teenagers now. I'm not sure if they are meant to be teenagers really though. I was going to bitch about them mumbling enough to be teenagers, but I now think that's intentional.

Rob Corddry as "M" (which turns out to stand for Marcus not Mercutio) has the best lines, but isn't very memorable. I have no idea what he's been in before although I'd guess it was a lot of TV shows along with the rest of the cast. Again, there's nothing wrong with his performance. It is what it is.

Hipsters who have never seen any other films starring John Malkovich will love that he is also in this for a couple of phoned-in minutes as Julie's father. He's a bit miscast and would be more appropriate as Julie's grandfather given his age, but then it wouldn't be so obviously a "Romeo and Juliet" knock-off as intended.

Ultimately, it's nice to see that Jonathan Levine has directed something again after "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" (2006), but "Warm Bodies" is a bit bland and very predictable. It looks nice, the "boney" zombies might scare small children, yet it's not an exciting "zombie gorefest" by any stretch of the imagination.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

"An anthropologist goes to Haiti after hearing rumours about a drug used by black magic practitioners to turn people into zombies."

It's very windy outside (and inside too now that I've just had a plate full of chips and beans), so what better way to end my "Hallowe'en Countdown" than with Wes Craven's zombie movie.

You don't see the connection in that segue, do you? It's okay, there isn't one other than the tenuous link between Haiti being destroyed by an earthquake a couple of years ago and the current "Frankenstorm" allegedly being about to destroy the East coast of America. It's just like how there's no connection between zombies or slashers and Hallowe'en, but that hasn't stopped other horror bloggers from writing about them for the last month.

Even though I've tried to keep my own reviews on topic during this month with lots of ghosties, witches, and other supernatural entities, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" has been haunting me ever since I got it in Universal's "Cult Horror Collection" 4-movie pack (along with "Phantasm II", "The Funhouse" and "Sssssss"). I remembered it as being a decent thriller rather than a horror so I couldn't wait any longer to see if it would still hold up today.

Inspired by the book "The Serpent and the Rainbow: A Harvard Scientist's Astonishing Journey into the Secret Societies of Haitian Voodoo, Zombis, and Magic", this has to be one of the most overambitious movies Wes Craven ever made. It's certainly a far more realistic and "back to basics" depiction of zombies than George A. Romero's ghouls. The zombies here are the drugged, hypnotised and brainwashed kind as in "White Zombie" (1932) or "I Walked with a Zombie" (1943).

The filming in Haiti and the Dominican Republic adds a lot to the atmosphere even though the voodoo rituals depicted are full of typical Hollywood excesses and clichés. In its favour, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" includes more details about voodoo and Haitian black magic than "The Vineyard" (1989), for instance, but they are still rather minimal and contrived.

Standout moments in "The Serpent and the Rainbow" include Bill Pullman wrestling with a very tame jaguar, Michael Gough being not very different from Alfred in the "Batman" movies for all of five minutes, and of course, the lovely Cathy Tyson constantly forgetting which accent to use and giving a quick flash of her boobs.

Most people rave about Zakes Mokae who is, without doubt, very sinister as Dargent Peytraud, but I found Brent Jennings to be far more entertaining as Louis Mozart. The scenes with Bill Pullman and Brent Jennings playing off each other are the best in the movie.

I wish I could say the same for every other scene that Bill Pullman is in, but I've never liked him as an actor. His role as Dennis Alan is, however, one of his best despite barely rising above two-dimensional. What do you expect though? This is a Wes Craven movie after all.

I'm not sure if it was added as a joke or a cliché, but one thing to remember from "The Serpent and the Rainbow" is that screaming, "I'm a U.S. citizen!" will never do an American any good at all. The rest of the world doesn't care, hates Americans anyway, and identifying himself as such a coddled, easy target in such a foolish manner is more likely to get the shouter's head kicked in than anything else. Oh yes, the xenophobia is rife in "The Serpent and the Rainbow", and with good reason given the political unrest in the background.

If you can't stand Bill Pullman constantly grinning and want "The Serpent and the Rainbow" to end in a downbeat way then stop the movie at 1 hour and 20 minutes. If you want to see a lame and formulaic horror movie ending full of explosions and dated effects, just continue to watch the last 17 minutes. In fairness, the final payoff scene is nicely done, but the silliness preceding it will probably make you groan in disbelief.

Overall, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" is a slightly more cerebral '80s horror movie than all the Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers tripe, and is well worth rewatching at this time of year (or any other for that matter).

Anyway, watch out for all the blustery winds and rain which the TV news is unnecessarily sensationalising. There's no need to panic, the stores will still be open, and you don't need to buy every can of beans and soup in the supermarkets. If you still have electricity, just stay safe indoors and watch some scary movies. It's Hallowe'en tomorrow!

Horror Express (1972)

"An English anthropologist has discovered a frozen monster in the frozen wastes of Manchuria which he believes may be the Missing Link. He brings the creature back to Europe aboard a trans-Siberian express, but during the trip the monster thaws out and starts to butcher the passengers one by one."

It's the 21st of October! Only ten days left until Hallowe'en! Are you getting excited? Have you bought your mask and enough candy from the dollar store to give you diabetes? What about movies? Did you check the shelves in Dollar Tree for some of the public domain gems which only turn up at this time of year?

Last year, I was lucky enough to find "Horror Express" at one of my local branches of Dollar Tree and included it in my "I bought that for a dollar" series of posts. The Digiview Productions version is far from being the best transfer in the world - it looks like a VHS rip complete with tracking errors and tape damage - but it was only $1 for one of the greatest horror/sci-fi movies from the 1970s.

You just can't go wrong with anything starring Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as a couple of pompous Edwardian Brits especially when the same movie also has Telly Savalas in far more than just a cameo appearance as a Cossack captain. It takes an hour for him to turn up, but Telly Savalas absolutely steals the show. That's no mean feat either since the entire cast are at the top of their game throughout.

When I first saw "Horror Express" on the BBC far too many years ago to even remember the date, I was amazed that it was so underrated. "Horror Express" contains everything you could ever want from a horror movie including a kind of vampiric, body-hopping, alien monster, brutal kills, gore, beautiful women, and a resurrection of what can only be described as zombies near the end. There's even a mad monk who is Rasputin in all but name.

With Father Pujardov (Alberto de Mendoza) and Inspector Mirov (Julio Peña) dominating most the screen time, it's pretty obvious that the Spanish cast could more than hold their own alongside more internationally famous actors. Sadly, this was the last movie for Julio Peña who died in 1972. After quite a successful career, Alberto de Mendoza also passed away in December last year at the age of 88.

Since Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas, Alice Reinheart, José Jaspe, George Rigaud, Víctor Israel, and Barta Barri have also shuffled off their mortal coils, "Horror Express" is yet another one of those movies full of dead actors who were so important to many of us in our youth. Of course, if you are aren't in your late 30s or older then you won't know who any of them were.

Eyecandy is provided by Silvia Tortosa, who plays Countess Irina Petrovski, and Helga Liné as an industrial spy who may well have inspired Famke Janssen's character, Trillian St. James, in "Deep Rising" (1998). Neither of them really do a lot, but Helga Liné provides a more lustful than usual Peter Cushing with some amusing moments.

For a low-budget movie, "Horror Express" has a great atmosphere and manages to successfully deliver several old-fashioned scares. Notwithstanding the plot-holes and minor historical inaccuracies, "Horror Express" is one of the must see '70s classics which rivals "The Thing From Another World" (1951), "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956) and their remakes.

The Fog (1980)

"A Northern California fishing town, built 100 years ago over an old leper colony, is the target for revenge by a killer fog containing zombie-like ghosts seeking revenge for their deaths."

To say that John Carpenter's "The Fog" is slightly overrated would probably be hypocritical of me since I'm one of the people who has been overrating it for years. Despite the story being created mainly by ingenious editing, it's still a decent film overall and one which I highly recommend for Hallowe'en.

Back in the day, I was disappointed that "The Fog" wasn't an adaptation of James Herbert's famous novel from 1975. Although John Carpenter claims in his director's commentary that his inspiration came from a trip to England where he passed Stonehenge and wondered what it would be like if something came out of the fog, I've always found that to be too coincidental. Stonehenge is in Wiltshire, and the fog of James Herbert's novel appears first on Salisbury Plain which is also in Wiltshire. As the bestselling book predates the movie by five years, I would have preferred it if John Carpenter had admitted the true source of his inspiration since it wouldn't have hurt him to mention it. Several times in the director's commentary, John Carpenter freely admits to borrowing a lot of ideas and locations from Alfred Hitchcock's movies (and a couple of others) so it's always seemed odd to me. Maybe he just didn't like James Herbert for some reason or, more likely, he had to keep quiet about it for fear of being sued.

Obviously, John Carpenter's "The Fog" and James Herbert's "The Fog" are completely different stories. The latter is all about a kind of nerve gas which drives people insane rather than being a supernatural slasher. The only thing they've ever had in common is fog and the shared title. Any confusion about the two seems mostly confined to British horror fans. I just felt that I'd mention it though because when someone brings up "The Fog" in conversation, I always have to ask, "Which one?"

Making matters even worse now is that there was an appalling remake in 2005 which I barely made it through and have no intention of ever reviewing unless I get really bored one day. Actually, sometimes I get tempted to rewatch it just to look at Selma Blair in her skimpy knickers, but that's another story.

One of the reasons why I grew to love John Carpenter's "The Fog" over the years was undoubtedly Adrienne Barbeau's performance as Stevie Wayne. Her character may play some of the worst elevator music that I've ever heard on her radio station, but she is quite believable otherwise as a disc jockey. I also like her rather cosy radio studio in a lighthouse set-up. If I was ever a DJ or could be bothered to make more podcasts, I'd kind of like to do it in such an environment.

Some people find Adrienne Barbeau sexy as Stevie Wayne. Maybe it's the combination of her husky voice and sexy body. I would, of course, be lying if I said that I have no idea what they are talking about. She's definitely the best reason to watch "The Fog" unless you are really into Jamie Lee Curtis who I've always thought was too boyish looks-wise. I never could understand her appeal or her promotion as the "Emperor's new clothes".

I also always found Tom Atkins to be rather ugly, and one of the biggest plot holes for me in "The Fog" is how Nick ends up in a relationship so fast with Jamie Lee Curtis' character (whose name apparently is Elizabeth after one of John Carpenter's previous girlfriends). When she cracks onto him after only a few moments in his truck, I don't know whether to think "slut", "easy lay", or "you need glasses". No matter how many times I rewatch that scene, it's just so bizarre. Let's face it though, any low-budget horror film that deals with ghosts who come back from the dead as physical zombies isn't likely to be big on realism.

The leprous, zombie-ghosts of the murdered sailors used to scare me when I was younger, and rightly so. It would have taken a lot more Dutch courage than Father Malone (Hal Holbrook) had inside him for me to ever confront them. As an aside, I once worked as a security guard on a rural industrial site in the middle of nowhere during the time of year when it was particularly foggy, and I kept imagining these very beings lurking in the mist. Suffice it to say that the job didn't last long.

The disadvantage of rewatching "The Fog" on DVD (I have the old green one not the newer blue one with all the useless trailers) rather than my previous "4 Front Deletions" VHS tape which I got from Woolworths was that I was too tempted by the special features and learned far too much about the technical aspects involved in the making of the movie. A lot of the plot holes such as how sparse the fictional town of Antonio Bay was or why only six people met up at the church when Stevie Wayne told everybody to go there were explained by John Carpenter and Debra Hill as being due to the lack of budget. I think that over a million dollars back in 1979 when "The Fog" was made hardly counts as a low-budget, but Hollywood-based movie people are weird when it comes to finances.

Given what they had to work with, "The Fog" turned out to be quite the genre classic although admittedly tame in terms of gore to what we have nowadays. As more of a product of the late '70s than a truly '80s horror movie, it still works for me as an old school horror. It's not perfect and is kind of far-fetched in a few places, but it's stood the test of time very well indeed.