Citadel (2012)

"An agoraphobic father teams up with a renegade priest to save his daughter from the clutches of a gang of twisted feral children."

Yes, I know I've been quiet for a couple of days, but I got addicted to "sword and sorcery" movies after my last review and completely lost track of time. I don't really know why I found them appealing so many years after they went out of style although the late Lana Clarkson may have had a lot to do with it.

Somehow, I also watched the notoriously filthy bits of "The Brown Bunny" (2003) just because Chloë Sevigny from "American Horror Story: Asylum" was the one being filthy, and then ended my weekend by having my childhood raped during "The Sweeney" (2012). After seeing Ray Winstone's fat belly and exceedingly large underpants, I decided that I ought to get back to watching real horror again.

Having heard great things about it, I gave "Citadel" a go. All I can say is, "What the hell were other people watching when they wrote their reviews?" For me, "Citadel" was one of the most boring films that I've ever forced myself to sit through.

I don't even have words to describe how generic, formulaic and dull "Citadel" is as a "horror" movie. You can't even call it a horror movie really unless a run-down Irish tower block or tripod-less camerawork gives you nightmares.

I will grudgingly say that the Welsh version of Frodo, Aneurin Barnard, does well in his role as an agoraphobic pussy, but that's about it. James Cosmo's priest character has a lot of potential which is wasted, and the little kids who are supposed to be so scary are just vile.

If you've already seen "Ils" (2006) or even "The Brood" (1979), this hybrid of the worst parts of both won't be any great surprise to you. "Citadel" is only a low-budget, handheld-camera version of the same thing, but without any scares at all. The majority of the story is given away in the trailer and makes about as much sense in that stripped-down version too.

Don't waste your time on this.