Byzantium (2012)

"Residents of a coastal town learn, with deathly consequences, the secret shared by the two mysterious women who have sought shelter at a local resort."

It looks as if the tiny pool of new horror movies has dried-up again for this year, so I've decided to start rewatching the older ones as and when they appear on Netflix. I have no idea why. I'm not even "into" horror movies anymore, but I keep on backsliding when I'm bored.

At least the choice of things to watch is slightly better than when I used to write my "Crap I've Watched on Netflix" posts, but I'm still not saying that the very small selection of horror movies available on Netflix is particularly great. This month's biggest new addition to Netflix is, as you must realise, Neil Jordan's "Byzantium".

As some people will be watching and reviewing "Byzantium" for the very first time, I thought that I should finally write something about it here too. It's not that I haven't reviewed it before, but my critique was only two or three sentences on another site which no longer exists. Back then, I honestly thought that I'd spent more time on my review than the movie actually deserved, and I'm sure that I'm not going to say anything more informative about "Byzantium" now either.

Although I've recently seen a certain "critic" (who I have zero respect for) write that it's impossible to "hate" a movie, I'm pretty sure that I actually do hate "Byzantium". It's not just a case of "disliking it intensely" either. I loathe nearly every pretentious frame of "Byzantium" in its overly long running time apart from the sexier bits with Gemma Arterton.

Easily the best part of "Byzantium".

Yes, there really is only one good reason to ever rent or buy this movie, and it's simply to ogle Gemma Arterton channelling Kat Slater from "Eastenders" as she plays a vampire. Gemma's sexy performance as Clara, plus her deliciously violent and bloody cheesewire decapitation of a very arrogant character early on, are the only truly memorable parts of "Byzantium" for me.

Of course, "Byzantium" might be remembered by some people for being two hours of tedious yet undeniably beautiful camerawork. Nobody sane can deny that Neil Jordon's desire to make every cinematic shot equally valid as a still picture is admirable, except when that technique is clearly overused and stifles the flow of the narrative. The same thing happened recently with "It Follows" (2014), and there have been several more "slow burn" products which have made me wonder if horror directors are intentionally trying to bore their audiences to death nowadays instead of scaring them.

"Byzantium" should, however, be even more remembered for Caleb Landry Jones mumbling his lines so unintelligibly that you have to switch the subtitles on to understand what he says. Any clues as to what accent he's meant to be doing hinge around the facts that he's a Texan in real life and his Frank character has certain health problems and "issues", but it's still no excuse for such a bizarre performance. If it's any consolation, I thought that he sounded Irish.

Once again, a very tiny minority who nobody takes seriously anymore might rave about the blatant misogyny or misandry (depending on which side of the SJW fence they sit) in "Byzantium", but I won't. Make no mistake about it though, "Byzantium" is equally full of both. It's certainly not subtext here either but right in your face!

Having said that, "Byzantium" not only summarises the most common attitudes in its historically accurate depictions of the genders in certain time periods, but give or take the fantasy elements, it contains a fairly accurate depiction of how some people act in the present day. Outside of this imaginary world of the internet where he or she who shouts loudest and most often is the one who gets noticed, there's a gritty reality which isn't pleasant, and you'd only be deluding yourself to think otherwise.

Eleanor is an even more depressed teenager than Bella.

As usual, I have no time for that pseudo-philosphical and political bullshit. I only watch movies for the storytelling. To me, "Byzantium" is just another plodding vampire story where humans are considered second-class citizens and a source of food for the immortals. It's this general misanthropy of "Byzantium" which is the point that all those "reviewers with agendas" are missing.

Similarly to "Interview with the Vampire" (1994) which was also directed by Neil Jordan, and just like in Anne Rice's other novels, to be a vampire is a reward. To be mortal is only to suffer and be used until your purpose is served. In the midst of this, at least Clara thanks the lorry driver who gives her and daughter a lift, but underneath her facade, she's still a cunning, manipulative user and a deadly predator who only does things for her own benefit and personal safety at the end of the day.

Rather than providing a counterpoint, Clara's daughter Eleanor (played by the unpronounceably named Saoirse Ronan) is a 200-year-old teenager with nothing inside her but 200 years years of teenage angst, feeling sorry for herself, a holier-than-thou attitude, and general mopiness. She's still a killer though, and no matter how she might legitimise how she selects her victims in her own mind, she doesn't have any discernable conscience about it. In fact, Eleanor truly believes that she's doing her elderly victims a favour. Roll out the pro-euthanasia bandwagon and preach that message in a movie, why don't you? Not to me, you won't, because I'm not listening.

Eleanor is not the most irritating character in "Byzantium" by any means, since that role is well and truly taken by Frank, but I wouldn't want to watch any more of her than this story allows. Eleanor's romantic subplot with Frank is not "a better love story than Twilight" no matter how it brings that meme to mind. The thought of them doing the nasty makes me cringe.

Passive-aggressively bashing Twilight will not make this movie scary.

The smaller but important supporting roles (including Jonny Lee Miller as Ruthven, Sam Riley as Darvell, and Maria Doyle Kennedy as Morag) are extremely well played and provide the gravitas for "Byzantium" which prevents it from being watched on titter alert for at least the first viewing. Noel the hotel owner is as tragically comedic as any Mike Leigh character (mainly because Daniel Mays is recognisable for playing those roles before), and there are some comical scenes—one of them possibly being intentional—even so. As much as I usually hate it when people do it, "Byzantium" can't stand up to repeat viewings without making it a necessity to ridicule every scene mercilessly.

The bottom line is that "Byzantium" is an extremely slow vampire movie, and as much as it attempts to be, it is not some "high art". Credit is due when it tries to ignore the traditional vampire movie tropes and rules (except for one), and it has a decent enough but predictable story if you like vampires. You really can't and shouldn't expect anything else. It's a hundred times more entertaining than "Only Lovers Left Alive" (2013) anyway.

Dark Touch (2013)

"In a remote town in Ireland, eleven-year-old Neve [sic] finds herself the sole survivor of a bloody massacre that killed her parents and younger brother. Suspecting a gang of homicidal vandals, the police ignore Neve's [sic] explanation that the house is the culprit."

If you're silly enough to read any other horror blog except mine, you'll probably see a lot of people praising how cerebral "Dark Touch' is and how it's meant to have a big message about the trauma caused by child abuse or some such unhappy horseshit at the heart of it. What a load of crap! I wanted it to be a ghost story, especially as the official IFC Films synopsis suggests a haunted house, so let the hate commence!

For those of us who can see through the fluff and arty-farty edits, "Dark Touch" is nothing more than a slow-paced clone of Stephen King's "Carrie" and "Firestarter", but it's set in the Irish countryside to make it look better. Give or take a few more disturbed children, it's kind of like how "Wake Wood" (2011) was a rip-off of "Pet Sematary" (1989) in a similar location, and it sucks just as much.

Nice cinematography using every method of filming from handheld camerawork to tripod-mounted long shots doesn't make up for the story being boring as buggery apart from two lush moments of goriness. Once you've seen them, it's not worth waiting for more unless clichés such as exploding windows, treading in broken glass with bare feet, or laconic little girls with Asperger's Syndrome float your boat. Even if they do, the cheap CGI fire effects will probably sink it.

Among the lameness, adults being pinned to walls by kitchen tables or chests of drawers against their thighs is a recurring theme in this movie which has very little to do with anything other than being another cheap and easy effect. I think it happens three or four times, but it may be more. What the significance of these repetitive scenes is, I have no idea. It can join the list of questions I have such as why does the hotter-looking mother suffer from bouts of tinnitus every time little Niamh throws a tantrum? And what kind of dyslexia causes the name Niamh to be pronounced "Neeve"?

"I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter."

As Irish horror movies go, "Dark Touch" isn't the worst I've ever seen, but it's not even close to being up to the same high standard as "Dorothy Mills" (2008). The creepy atmosphere promises more than it delivers, and the eclectic mixture of regional Irish accents (which range from mild to harsh and unintelligible) cause it to be only a donkey or two short of another "Rawhead Rex" (1986). Having said that, I do quite like "Rawhead Rex" in spite of Clive Barker disowning it, and I'm not even sure if it has any donkeys in it anyway. If it didn't, it should have done. But I've digressed.

The acting in "Dark Touch" is fine given that character development is almost non-existent, and Swedish import Charlotte Flyvholm has a filler part as a heavily pregnant school counsellor to justify the Swedish financial investment. Out of all the characters, she stood out most for me by being the third pregnant blonde that I've seen in a movie this week, the other two being Detective Inspector Sarah Clayton (Joanne Froggatt) in "uwantme2killhim?" and Barb's mother also called Sarah (played by Chantal Quesnelle) in "Curse of Chucky".

Since there's unlikely to be a theatrical release of "Dark Touch" near you, it's available for half the price of a cinema ticket through the various VOD services. At $6.99, I think it's still way too much for a pre-pubuscent "Carrie" clone, and you'd be better off saving your money for the official "Carrie" remake in a few weeks.

Unlucky Charms (2013)

"Five girls vie for a chance to model diva Deedee DeVille's fashion line, but they're soon competing for their lives against four mythical beings, led by the mischievous Farr Darrig."

Going from the sublime to the ridiculous, this typical Full Moon production with a shorter than average running time of 70 minutes (including drawn-out opening titles and end credits) isn't something which I was too eager to watch, but I'm glad I did just so that I could dismiss it as an updated version of "Spellcaster" (1988).

I'm sure that Charles Band is quite familiar with "Spellcaster" since his very own Empire Pictures produced and distributed it (and he is named as Executive Producer at the beginning!), but that's all that really needs to be said about that film. Apart from starring Bunty Bailey (the girl in A-Ha's "Take on Me" video) and having Adam Ant in a small role at the end, it's not exactly memorable. The subject matter of both movies is clearly similar but not identical, and even if it was, nobody cares. It's hardly a crime to clone your own products.

Without such "cloning", we wouldn't have a dozen installments of the "Puppetmaster" series, or the spin-offs which aren't much different. Charles Band is obviously not the only producer/director to do this either. Everyone from Bill Zebub to Roger Corman has frugally rehashed the same plots, dialogue, and ensemble casts in their z-grade "B movies", and I'm not going to condemn any of them for it. Hell, there are no new stories to be told anyway, so all any filmmaker can do is update the actors and locations.

Numbers 1, 3, and 4 please... in that order.

"Unlucky Charms" is only a quick satire which showcases some models/actresses, their boobs, and some cheap-looking effects anyway. It's not a serious horror movie by any stretch of the imagination, nor is it meant to be, but it's what Full Moon fans generally like. I'm still not sure which side of the fence I sit on when it comes to Full Moon. Some Full Moon movies have been very good, but most have been absolutely terrible. If pressed on the matter, I prefer the "Trancers" series, followed by "Subspecies", but I don't really care for any of their most recent titles.

Maybe the new Full Moon has become yet another hipster thing which I'm too old, jaded, and grumpy to buy into. I noticed a lot of people on Twitter talking about "Unlucky Charms" who I would never classify as "horror fans", so Full Moon must be doing something right for them. Ironic comedy will only take you so far though if the overall quality isn't there. Sadly, I've switched more Full Moon movies off through boredom than I've completed, but I did make it all the way through this one. How and why exactly, I don't know. Perhaps it was the boobs.

Although I can say that Seth Peterson is very good as Pirl, Nathan Phillips is competent as the leprechaun Farr Darrig, and beautiful Nikki Leigh is my favourite out of the models, I wasn't so enamoured by the rest of the cast or what they had to work with. It's not that anybody is absolutely horrible in their roles, but they aren't great either. Of course, nobody has to be pitch-perfect in a B movie, but it makes things far more entertaining if the cast can "do a bit" rather than just play dress-up... or take-your-dress-off, as the case may be.

"Unlucky Charms" looks good, has an okay-ish story, and it's quick enough over the ground to not be boring. It's just not very original, and if the moral of the tale is that looks aren't everything, it shoots itself in the foot with its own self-criticism.

Thus, while the plot may be amusing to anyone who loathes TV contest shows such as "America's Next Top Model" and would love to see those narcissistic bimbos destroyed by various creatures from Irish folklore, "Unlucky Charms" didn't do much for me. Give or take some magic, a few supernatural entities, and a sleazy MTV-style VJ, I really have seen it all before.

Only saying...

Citadel (2012)

"An agoraphobic father teams up with a renegade priest to save his daughter from the clutches of a gang of twisted feral children."

Yes, I know I've been quiet for a couple of days, but I got addicted to "sword and sorcery" movies after my last review and completely lost track of time. I don't really know why I found them appealing so many years after they went out of style although the late Lana Clarkson may have had a lot to do with it.

Somehow, I also watched the notoriously filthy bits of "The Brown Bunny" (2003) just because Chloë Sevigny from "American Horror Story: Asylum" was the one being filthy, and then ended my weekend by having my childhood raped during "The Sweeney" (2012). After seeing Ray Winstone's fat belly and exceedingly large underpants, I decided that I ought to get back to watching real horror again.

Having heard great things about it, I gave "Citadel" a go. All I can say is, "What the hell were other people watching when they wrote their reviews?" For me, "Citadel" was one of the most boring films that I've ever forced myself to sit through.

I don't even have words to describe how generic, formulaic and dull "Citadel" is as a "horror" movie. You can't even call it a horror movie really unless a run-down Irish tower block or tripod-less camerawork gives you nightmares.

I will grudgingly say that the Welsh version of Frodo, Aneurin Barnard, does well in his role as an agoraphobic pussy, but that's about it. James Cosmo's priest character has a lot of potential which is wasted, and the little kids who are supposed to be so scary are just vile.

If you've already seen "Ils" (2006) or even "The Brood" (1979), this hybrid of the worst parts of both won't be any great surprise to you. "Citadel" is only a low-budget, handheld-camera version of the same thing, but without any scares at all. The majority of the story is given away in the trailer and makes about as much sense in that stripped-down version too.

Don't waste your time on this.

Happy St. Patrick's Day 2012

If you are looking for something to watch tonight, check out your local Wal-mart's bargain bin where you will find the first four "Leprechaun" movies in one pack for only $5.

You can also get the same thing from Amazon for only a couple of dollars more.

The Eclipse (2009)

"In a seaside Irish town, a widower sparks with a visiting horror novelist while he also begins to believe he is seeing ghosts."

Having just wasted another Netflix rental on this drivel, I need to tell you that, although it was beautifully filmed and acted, it wasn't at all the ghost story that horror fans would expect it to be. Don't be fooled by the trailer.

"The Eclipse" was really a drama all about grief, letting go, and finding love. Worse than that, it was also a weird "love triangle" story of older people. Aidan Quinn was a narcissistic celebrity author who had an affair with Iben Hjejle and still fancied her while Ciarán Hinds became her new interest. I don't even care what their character names were. Even the thought of any of these people bumping uglies made me feel slightly queasy. Actually seeing Ciarán Hinds sucking face with Iben Hjejle was worse than watching two Shar-Peis going at it.

This film was easily the most boring thing that I've struggled through this year (and that includes "Insidious" and "Sucker Punch"). There were attempts at a couple of jump scare "supernatural" moments but I was too close to falling asleep when they happened to pay much attention. One of the ghosts was Ciarán Hinds' father and he was still alive!

It could have been good but it felt like a TV soap opera to me and just dragged on and on with little action and no resolution. "The Eclipse" really shouldn't have been marketed as a ghost story. It wasn't scary and I was very disappointed.

I don't recommend this film to anyone except insomniacs.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick's Day if you're Irish. If you aren't then the celebrations are nothing to do with you anyway so you might as well just grab yourself a bowl of colcannon and enjoy some Irish horror movies instead.

These are my picks from the most entertaining Irish and Irish-themed horror movies available in no particular (or should that be "Patrick-ular"?) order.


1. Escape to Nowhere (1996)
(AKA Spectre AKA House of the Damned)



"Will and Maura, despite their marital problems, decide to come to Ireland and live on Maura's ancestral estate, bringing with them their daughter Aubrey. But soon weird happenings around the house lead a local priest to confess that Maura's ancestors practiced black magic, and Maura's own insecurities threaten to bring her into the evil fold."


2. High Spirits (1988)



"When Peter Plunkett's Irish castle turned hotel is about to be repossesed, he decides to spice up the attraction a bit for the 'Yanks' by having his staff pretend to haunt the castle. The trouble begins when a busload of American tourists arrive - along with some real ghosts. Among the tourists are married couple Jack and Sharon. Sharon's father holds the mortgage on Castle Plunkett, so she's hoping to debunk the ghosts. Jack, on the other hand, after meeting pretty ghost Mary, is very eager to believe. Can there be love between a human and ghost? Jack and Mary are going to try and find out."


3. Leprechaun (1993)



"When Dan O'Grady returns to the U.S. after stealing some Irish leprechaun's pot of gold, he thinks he can settle down and enjoy his newfound wealth. He thought wrong. The leprechaun followed him and O'Grady barely gets away with his life, having locked the little monster in his basement. Ten years later, J.D. and his spoiled daughter Tory move in. By accident, the leprechaun is released and almost immediately the annoying creature starts to look for his gold, not displaying any respect for human life."


4. Rawhead Rex (1986)



"Ireland will never be the same after Rawhead Rex, a particularly nasty demon, is released from his underground prison by an unwitting farmer. The film follows Rex's cross country rampage, while a man struggles to stop it."


5. Boy Eats Girl (2005)



"A boy declares his love for his girlfriend, only to die the same night. He is brought back to life by his mother as a flesh-craving zombie, who sires more teen undead while trying to control his, er, appetite for his beloved."


6. Shrooms (2007)



"3 couples go to Ireland woods to collect magic mushrooms and trip out. On their way they meet some strange inhabitants of the woods and it doesn't take long until a creepy story is being told at the campfire which might be more than just a story. So strange things happen, people start disappearing, silhouettes move through the woods and the creepy story starts to melt into reality. The horror kicks in along with the effect of the mushrooms."


7. Dead Meat (2004)



"An infection spreads from slaughtered animals to humans, which causes the dead to rise and feed on the living."


8. Isolation (2005)



"On a remote Irish farm, five people become unwilling participants in an experiment that goes nightmarishly wrong."


9. Banshee!!! (2008)



A group of college friends on a spring break camping trip are stalked and slashed by an unknown creature with the ability to make them hallucinate through sound waves.


10. Legend of the Bog (2009)



"When a 'bog body' a 2000 year old murder victim preserved in a peat bog is disturbed by developers in rural Ireland, an archaeologist, a hunter and their helpers face the task of sending him back where he came from."


Actually, I really don't recommend the last two films on my list at all but if you drink enough Guinness and Bushmills, you won't care anyway.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley (2007)

Every so often I take a bit of a step sideways into what other film genres are doing and often wish I hadn't. Yes, friends, this is another of those moments...

According to the DVD sleeve, "The Wind That Shakes The Barley" is "A sympathetic look at Republicans in early 20th century Ireland, and two brothers who are torn apart by anti-Brit rebellion." Yup, it's all about the beginnings of the I.R.A. with a lot of artistic licence and more than a bit of borrowing from classical drama and every civil war film you've ever seen! In highbrow-speak, it deals with "universals". The old "duty versus family loyalty" motif is just one of those though there are plenty more cliches throughout.

In reality, this film is a "Braveheart" (or even "Rob Roy") wannabe but with no big name stars, even more unintelligible dialogue, a lack of any acting skills anywhere and a contrived storyline that is only designed to make anyone British watching it ashamed to be so.

I'm English. I'm not proud of it. I can't stand this country. If defection was still possible I would be long gone. But one place I would certainly not want to go is Ireland. I've strangely never had any desire to go there, don't like Guinness, and couldn't care less about the place one way or another. I believe Americans turn that negative into a positive with "I could care less". Trust me, I really couldn't. Yes, all the English characters in this film were nasty and I admit as a race we really are... but on an individual basis we aren't all the same... obviously.

That aside, rating the film on the few merits it has, there is a really nasty torture scene involving pulling out fingernails with pliers quite early on which I've never seen in a film before. I'm not squeamish but I did fast forward it when all the other prisoners started singing to cover the screams. Well it was hardly Pop Idol material!

An old French woman who I used to know (who passed on many years ago) had her toenails pulled out by the SS in World War II and now I finally have a better idea of what that particular torture was all about. Yes, this was real horror not the made up monsters of filmland. In war, these atrocities and many more really do happen.

But I'm not going to get on any soapbox here about war or glorification of war in war films etc. I have watched quite a few and I can tell you now that "The Wind That Shakes The Barley" is hardly a "Saving Private Ryan" in the war film stakes.

All the skirmishes (you can't call them battle scenes!) are well done and very realistic in that they are so messy but there's just too much screaming and shouting all through the film. This could do with subtitles at the best of times with sound levels going up and down, mumbles and whispers, and all the Irish accents to contend with. To have to keep turning the volume down because all the ranting and raving was annoying was just another nail in this film's coffin for me.

It reminded me in a lot of ways of something you would get on BBC2 late at night and possibly shown in two parts but it isn't quite good enough even though it's over two hours long! Years ago "The Monocled Mutineer" touched on a lot of the political and moral subjects covered in this film but did it so much better. Young men getting executed for being traitors or for cowardice and the futility of war are pretty standard fare in this kind of period piece but even the final "Blackadder" was more moving (and that was a comedy!).

OK, in this case we aren't dealing with World War I but with the "Troubles" in Ireland (though around the same time). Even so, war is war and film is film and this wasn't a very good example of either.

A lot of people with "agendas" will overate "The Wind That Shakes The Barley" purely because of its subject matter. I don't think it says anything new to anyone and, as I said, the acting is absolutely terrible.

Watch it if you want as it isn't exactly boring even if the wardrobe people must have throughly enjoyed making everyone look as drab as possible. It's just nothing very original and isn't particularly well done. I rate it about 3 out of 10... and that's only because of the torture scene.