Jesus wept buckets!

I guarantee that you won't make it through this without feeling like punching somebody and, in particular, the nasty screeching thing who is the star of the video itself.

This is awful. Her discordant voice, her shouting, her screaming, her "singing"... Not to be mean or anything, but sometimes I'm a little bit envious of deaf people.

Let Me In (2010)

"A bullied young boy befriends a young female vampire who lives in secrecy with her guardian."

No, I haven't seen this. It isn't even released until October 1st. I'm not ever going to watch it either.

When I first heard that there was going to be a remake of "Let the Right One In", I honestly thought it was a joke. Unfortunately, it has now become a reality and it disgusts me.

Why would anyone feel the need to remake one of the most perfect Swedish vampire movies ever apart from the slightly dodgy CGI cat scene? And now it seems that Eli really will be a girl rather than a castrato just to completely dumb things down for the masses.

Honestly, if subtitles are that much of an effort to read then do yourselves a huge favour and learn how to read and write in the first place rather than whining about it until some other moron has to remake every foreign movie for the hard of understanding. What next? Remakes of the entire collection of Jean-Luc Godard or Ingmar Bergman classics?

For those of you who loved "Let the Right One In", just watch the trailer and weep over the terrible casting and piss poor hack job that the director of the equally crappy "Cloverfield" has made. I wonder how many hundreds of times the characters will shriek and cry, "Oh My God!" in this travesty?

I suggest you boycott this film at the movie theatres and then let it rot in the bargain DVD bins in 6 months time alongside all those copies of "The Fog" and "Psycho" remakes that nobody in their right mind will ever buy.

The Aristocats (1970)

Want to know what really scares me? DISNEY! I've only ever seen a few Disney films back when I was a really little kid and didn't know any better plus a couple of episodes of "The Wonderful World of Disney" from the '70s neither of which I can remember apart from one of them starring Jaclyn Smith from "Charlie's Angels". I only remember that one because I was so surprised to see the most beautiful woman on the planet at that time in something so childish.

So with great trepidation I recently bought "The Aristocats" on VHS from a yard sale for $1 and tried to watch it. IT WAS CRAP! Even for little kids, stuff like this is insipid, tedious and boring with no entertainment value whatsoever.

I'm not a parent except of two cats (only one of which sings) and I found the whole thing to be totally unrealistic. For the love of all that's furry, do not let your children watch rubbish like this! No wonder the world is as messed up as it is if there have been generations of parents forcing their children to watch this tripe. They'd have been better off letting them watch Dario Argento movies and that's saying something.

For a start, cats do not speak English even to each other nor do any of them wear clothes on a regular basis. I've certainly never seen any of them play a musical instrument either except by accidentally walking across a piano keyboard. What lies are Disney telling your children with this? They should be ashamed.

The animation is pretty bad even for the time period. I once watched parts of Disney's "Robin Hood" and even that was better. The soundtrack was terrible too. You can't even call anything by Maurice Chevalier music and the rest of the "songs" were instantly forgettable and just horrible.

Of course, if you really want a good animated cat movie you have to get "Gay Purr-ee" from 1962. Even though it has Judy Garland in it, the story is far more satisfying and, as you can see from the trailer below, it is much more realistic.



If you really wanted to torture somebody, you don't need to use waterboarding or pulling fingernails out, just make your victim watch "The Aristocats" over and over again. This is without doubt the worst movie ever made.

InCRAPtion (2010) - Movie Review

Plot: NONE whatsoever. Just make it up as you go along like the director did.

Tagline: Paying $10 to be this bored is a crime.

Review:

There's something very wrong with people. I've known it for a while now but I thought it might be me who was the mental one not them. But as the only Classically trained horror movie reviewer on the planet, I thought I'd give this so-called "Science Fiction" movie a try and see if I could figure it out. I couldn't. It's crap. I'm still sane and everyone else who thinks this film is the second-coming in celluloid needs to be locked up for their own safety.

I'm not just saying this to get a rise out of people. I've wasted over two hours of my life on this confused mess of filmmaking with no entertainment value whatsoever and I feel it's my right to tell people what I think. In fact, it's more than my right, it's my duty to warn people not to waste their money watching "Inception" at all because it's all a hoax.

"Inception" is not a movie at all but just a bunch of disjointed set pieces that wouldn't fit into any other movie all joined together to use up a load of money and fool the public into spending more money to see it. It's as bad as getting people to believe in wartime that their silk knickers were being turned into parachutes or their knives and forks were going to be made into bullets. It never happened. You were conned. If you paid to see "Inception", you were conned again. You'll believe that man walked on the moon next.

Was this some master plan to boost the economy I wonder? You have to hand it to the producers or the Illuminati who control Hollywood because they've created a scam of such epic proportions that people are right now voting a load of 10s and 9s on all the movie sites to keep this junk in vogue. Theories abound on the ending as if it even matters and hordes of sweaty teenagers are begging their parents for money to go and see the most intellectual film of their lives. Boy, are they in for a shock.

Is it mass hysteria or was there some subliminal message being passed through the movie into everyone's unconscious? Was this an "inception" for real? Let me tell you what I got from the film - NOTHING!

I didn't buy into all the pseudo-Platonic mumbo-jumbo about different levels of reality or dream states and I certainly didn't get any enjoyment out of being treated with such contempt by one of the most inadequate directors since Ed Wood. Actually, that's an insult to Ed Wood. Christopher Nolan is up there with M. Night Shyamalan in the "creator of the most boring, meaningless drivel" category.

For the first 40 minutes of the film my mind refused to work at all. All it could do was scream, "What's going on?" There were no answers. All I was getting were mumbles from some unintelligible Japanese guy, some words about nothing I could understand from that kid from the Titanic movie who I thought had retired, and then that awful Juno girl appeared being just as bratty as she was in every other movie that she's been in. Yes, I know their real names but I don't even care. One trick ponies like this need to be put out to grass not given more roles. Anybody else would have been more watchable. ANYBODY! Even a Baldwin or an Arquette! At least it didn't have that weird looking mannequin with hooded eyelids from "28 Days Later" in it... oh GOD, yes it did.

Things started to pick up a bit around the 50 minutes mark. I still didn't know what was going on but I've seen "eXistenZ" with the delightful Jennifer Jason Leigh in it so I felt safer. This was going to be a mixture of that story plus "Dreamscape", "The Thirteenth Floor" and presumably "The Matrix". I thought I might be able to get some answers at last to what was going on at the beginning. But again I was wrong!

Mannequin Murphy was kidnapped and being asked for numbers, the Japanese mumbler was on the ground dying and everybody was talking about Limbo. I saw no reason for dancing and I was pretty sure this wasn't a Catholic film since Mel Gibson wasn't the director. What was going on? Next they were in a hotel and Titanic-man was being all aggressive looking while telling Mannequin that they were in a dream. Well, good for them. For me, I was in some kind of nightmare. Juno was looking pretty though.

And then things really went mad. There was a van full of all of them turning over, a snowy James Bond mountain lair thing and they were all there too, and yet they were all still in the hotel. Then they were all fighting in mid air and walking up walls, and well, I just wanted out.

At this point I decided to mentally retreat back inside myself and think about different flavours of English crisps. I was savouring the thought of Prawn Cocktail while Titanic-man was shouting a lot in three different locations, and bullets and snow and God knows what else was all flying around everywhere. Then he was with his wife who had some kind of accent, maybe French, and she was dying. I have no idea why or how and I didn't care. I remember some talk of her thinking that the real world wasn't reality and jumping off a building to get back to Barbieland or whatever the hell it was but here she was again? How? Why? Again, who cares? I kept checking my watch but it seemed to be going backwards. I tried to sleep but some monstrous CGI kept appearing and waking me back up again.

Did I see some guy pull out a bazooka gun thing from the "Predators" movie?

More stuff was happening on screen, bullets, car chases, some talk about fathers and empires... It was all over my head. Oh, they decided to show a James Bond movie in the middle. Yay! Skiing and guns and Bond music. Why? They kept talking about "kicks". I know I wanted to kick someone.

Mannequin Murphy got shot. Yay? Juno started yapping about defibrillation and being all authoritative. I have no idea why since all she did was ask questions every other time she was on screen.

Then the wife was back again playing with a doll's house and it seemed Titanic-man killed her with a spinning top. Floating bodies got put in a lift, a van fell off a bridge and there was more shooting in James Bond land.

The van went underwater and everybody got wet. But, yay for them, they had a scuba tank and they all got out apart from Titanic-man who got himself drowned again. Typecast?

The next thing I knew, some old Japanese guy who mumbled even more than the original mumbler, mumbled something to Titanic-man and they all woke up on a plane. Where'd the plane come into it? Did I blink and miss it? Probably.

Mercifully, the film was at an end. Titanic-man didn't hit an iceberg this time and was now back in America, Michael Caine had two kids which he gave to him for some reason and there was a spinning top on a table. Ok then...

What did I learn from this? Well, your ass gets pretty numb after more than two hours of sitting in a cinema seat and you should never get the $7.50 size of Pepsi if you only have one bladder. Was I supposed to think this was the greatest movie ever made? I think not. Was I supposed to wonder if the final scenes were real or a Bobby Ewing dream? Why should I even care?

I didn't understand any of it, didn't enjoy it and I couldn't hear half of what anybody was saying in it because of some irritating background music that never seemed to stop.

The only thing I got from it is that I would probably bang Juno if I got the chance or the blonde from the hotel that turned into a guy. Yeah, I know, but beggars can't be choosers, right?

So guess what I'm rating "InCRAPtion" on the IMDb?

Room 6 (2006)

"A young woman's world is turned upside down after a tragic accident steals away her boyfriend. The walls of reality continue to crumble as the troubled woman and a fellow victim try to track down their loved ones at a mysterious hospital which should not exist."

If you haven't seen this yet, don't bother. All you will see is Christine Taylor (who looked quite pretty in "Zoolander" but isn't quite so hot here) running around, seeing demons and screaming for about an hour. Actually that makes the film sound good...

No, this isn't a good movie. The Amy character (Christine Taylor) is one of the most annoying females in a film ever. It's not as if she's screaming non-stop. I could have enjoyed that!

The story is a mess. Apart from the demon hallucinations and one scary ten second hospital scene, I couldn't be bothered to even try to decipher any of it. Something to do with ghosts and guilt as far as I could tell.

Of course with a budget of $1,000,000 everyone in the movie looks quite good. The hospital seems to be staffed by Playboy models (who at one point turn into blood-drinking lesbian vampires for no apparent reason) and Christine Taylor never seems to have a hair out of place in spite of shaking it all over the place every time she screams.

The scene between Amy and her father in "Room 6" is like something out of "Mork and Mindy" with a blacked out studio and everything. All I could think of was "Mork calling Orsen.. come in Orsen..." Oh, we find out here that Amy helped her father to die when she was a little girl by pulling the plug on his life support machine... oh well that helps... not!

The ending is predictable. If you've seen "Dead End" you'll spot it coming a mile away. Remember she's trying to save her boyfriend...?

I'm giving this film 1 out of 10 for the brief lesbian vampire scene. That's all it deserves.

The Omen III (1981)

(AKA Omen III: The Final Conflict)



From the IMDb: "Damien, the anti-Christ, is a thirty-something CEO of a huge multinational corporation and the new ambassador of England, but he lusts for control of the world. The Dark One's only enemies are seven monks sworn to Damien's destruction with sacred daggers forged for that one purpose. As the monks hunt Damien, he orders the systematic elimination of recently born boys, who he believes are the Second Coming of Christ. Will good or evil triumph?"

Well, I think we can guess the answer to that one! Sometimes I truly despair of the IMDb, don't you?

Anyway, I just watched this again on the Sci-Fi channel and I have to say that it wasn't quite as bad as I remembered it. It's certainly better than "Omen IV" and the appalling remake of "The Omen" last year. But... it still wasn't all that great.

Sam Neill does a really good job as a fully grown Damien and is as suitably charismatic as you'd expect the anti-christ to be. Having watched such things as "The Omega Code" which dealt with the same subject matter, I'd have to say that Sam Neill definitely has the edge over Malcolm McDowell.

For a film made in 1981 though, it isn't all that gory. There are a couple of memorable moments but the baby getting its head ironed isn't quite what I remembered it to be. It's funny how your mind plays tricks on you over the years. It appears that the woman about to iron the baby just has an image flash into her mind of what the little cherub will look like afterwards and you don't actually see her do it. I feel cheated!

The sex scene between Damien and Kate is also less erotic than I remember. It's still quite well done though and it is implied that he isn't exactly in the right hole if you know what I mean. I still wonder about that scene with Michael Douglas and Jean Tripplehorn in "Basic Instinct" too now that I think of it... but anyway...

The big problem with "Omen III" is that it isn't very scary or memorable compared to the first two parts of the trilogy. "The Omen" was a complete classic, with "Damien: Omen II" being a worthy if slightly inferior sequel. "Omen III" really goes a step too far with too much talk and not enough action plus the ending, although necessary, really does suck.

This really is the film that should have been remade rather than remaking the original "Omen". Just like "The Godfather Part 3" there are some films which are just screaming to be remade as a good version. Alas, I don't think it will ever happen.