Batman (1989)

"The Dark Knight of Gotham City begins his war on crime with his first major enemy being the clownishly homicidal Joker."

Back in 1989, when this movie was being shown theatrically, I had more important things on my mind such as girlfriends, boozing every weekend, and studying for my first year of University exams. I had no interest in stupid superhero movies meant for little kids, had no idea who Michael Keaton or Tim Burton were, and really didn't have much knowledge about Jack Nicholson except that he was a big name as a Hollywood actor.

It was probably at least another three years before I saw this version of "Batman" for the first time on television. I wasn't overly impressed by it either; in fact, it bored me. I tried to concentrate on it, tried to enjoy Jack Nicholson as The Joker, but, alas, I just wrote it off as a load of old crap.

Having rewatched it this afternoon, I'm still not overly impressed by Tim Burton's "Batman". Given that it's supposed to be a darker and more gothic version of the comic book, it failed miserably at being either.

For a start, Michael Keaton was all wrong for the role. I think any fool could dress up in the stiff, rubber Batman costume and make that part work, but Michael Keaton was way too inconsistent as Bruce Wayne. One minute, he was all jokey and comedic; the next, he was supposed to be resourceful and tough. There's no brooding, no sense of grief about him, and he wasn't very attractive either even for the late '80s. He looked like a dweeb.

Many people have said over the years that "Batman" was really Jack Nicholson's show all the way with Michael Keaton being little more than a supporting player. While there was an element of truth in that, the poorly worked love story between Bruce Wayne and Vicky Vale was supposed to even the balance. Michael Keaton seemed to have as much time on screen as Jack Nicholson, but, because of the lack of chemistry between him and the rather plain-looking Kim Basinger, none of it was particularly memorable. The Joker's side of the story (and his character) was simply a lot more interesting.

Apart from the quite powerful music by Danny Elfman and the look of the movie, there really wasn't a lot to praise in "Batman". Any of the other actors' performances were either too weak or too short to even notice. While Billy Dee Williams almost stood out in a bad way as a totally miscast Harvey Dent, Michael Gough as Alfred just got lost in the maelstrom of weirdness. I'm still not entirely sure what happened to Jerry Hall either.

Jack Nicholson's more horrific and psychotic moments nearly elevated my viewing pleasure to a more adult level, but then too much early Tim Burton-ness crept in and ruined it all. There was a definite lag in the middle of the movie from around the point where The Joker decided to terrorize Vicky Vale for no good reason right up until the useless Batplane scenes. All this, coupled with the shitty pop music by Prince, should have caused me to switch "Batman" off and never return to it. I would have done too if I hadn't wanted to write this review.

When The Joker turned out to be the criminal who killed Bruce Wayne's parents, not only was it unbelievably clichéd, but I could feel my will to not kick the TV screen in slipping away. When the big clown balloons appeared looking like prototypes for things from "A Nightmare Before Christmas", I decided to start clipping my own toenails because I knew that would be more beneficial to me than what I was seeing on screen, and would also prevent me from doing what I really wanted to do with my feet.

Having stayed with it until the rather predictable and "Die Hard" inspired end, I feel like I deserve some kind of medal. I hated over 50% of "Batman" with every fibre of my being.

I hate Tim Burton, I hate Michael Keaton, I hate stupid rubber Batman suits which don't allow an actor to move his head, I hate the weather, and, most of all, right now, I really hate "Batman".

Batman: The Movie (1966)

"The Dynamic Duo faces four super-villains who plan to hold the world for ransom with the help of a secret invention that instantly dehydrates people."

Starting my Bat-weekend off with a load of camp crap such as the movie version of the "Batman" TV series seemed like a good idea at the time especially as the whole thing is available to watch in several places online including, of course, YouTube. I didn't even have to leave my computer to go and find the DVD which is always a good thing.

Unfortunately, although the movie was much the same as the TV series and used 99% of the same actors, the overall style was a little bit different especially when it came to the onscreen "Biff!", "Pow!", "Whap!" and "Thwack!" captions which didn't get used until almost the end. I won't say that this really hurt the movie all that much since it was still vibrant with colour, but it lacked the comic book feel of the TV episodes.

I still enjoyed the four "Super Criminals" even though none of them stood out as much as Lee Meriwether who had a dual role in this as The Catwoman and her disguise as a Russian journalist named Kitka. Lee Meriwether was pretty funny and ridiculously sexy yet I wish she'd been a little bit more evil with it. Possibly throwing her cat, Hecate, at Batman was the most evil thing she did in the entire farce.

The "Dynamic Duo" were the same as I remembered them. Adam West's Batman was an uber moral parody of puritanical and prohibition-era American values while Burt Ward was just a Dick (Grayson). I've always hated Robin more than any other superhero's sidekick. All that "Holy this" and "Holy that" bullshit while he punched his gloves together got on my nerves not to mention that the guy was "Captain Obvious" with his stupid comments.

I realise that this "Batman" was supposed to be a kind of satire, but if kids really bought into such antiquated values without knowing any better, I think it would be quite damaging to them. I had to keep telling myself that this was a bit of 1960s fun and I shouldn't take any of it too seriously.

They see me rollin', they hatin'

Seeing all the Bat-vehicles in action was a bit of a bonus. I didn't realise that the diecast Corgi toys were inspired by this movie even though the colours were completely wrong. My Corgi Batmobile was the later one with the towing hook rather than the flame that popped in and out. I don't believe that any of them had the red edges on their paintwork though. As for the Batcycle, Batcopter and Batboat, well, mine were just black and red with the dominant colour being black. If you ever had a bright blue Batboat, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

One moment which I found amusing (for personal reasons which I won't go into too much detail about right now) was when Batman couldn't dispose of a bomb because a Salvation Army band was in the way. For anyone, like me, who has ever had to endure the annoyance of their bellringing beggars in the run up to Christmas, that was such a wasted opportunity, Suffice it to say that I would've loved to have seen those hypocritical Chuggers blown straight to Hell where they belong.

The interaction between the various "Super Criminals" was okay for anyone with a particularly childish mind, but their on screen time and roles were greatly reduced by having so many of them. Cesar Romero was great as The Joker in the TV series and sadly underused here. I never could stand Burgess Meredith in anything so it annoyed me that his part was larger than Cesar Romero's and far more than it needed to be.

The tiny masks make all the difference if you're a costumed criminal.

My favourite male Batman villain was always The Riddler as played by Frank Goshin. I think John Astin played him a couple of times on TV, but it was never the same. Frank Gorshin really looked the part and was mischievous with it. Again, he was very underused in this movie as well.

As for the plot, who cares? Really, does it matter? I suppose the idea of combining the four rather inept escaped criminals in a plan to destroy the United Nations seemed good on paper, but, honestly, it took way too long for them to get to the punchline and it was predictable that they were never going to get away with it.

I wouldn't say any of the movie was "laugh out loud" funny, but it was entertaining even for a horror-addicted adult such as myself to watch. I perked up at the use of an Edgar Allan Poe poem at one point, and the very awkward date between Bruce Wayne and Kitka was priceless.

The ending was a big "Oops!" moment for Batman and the Boy Blunder which was kind of funny with its implications especially if you aren't a big fan of either of them.

It's Baturday! The Dark Knight Rises weekend

Since it's highly likely that I will be going to see "The Dark Knight Rises" at some point this weekend, I'm preparing myself for the experience with a marathon rewatching of all the previous Batman movies.

"Holy Crappy Movies, Batman!"

I must admit that if the TV series was available on DVD, I'd rather watch that again than any of the Christopher Nolan abominations. Blame it on my age, but I really used to enjoy Adam West's and Burt Ward's escapades when they were repeated for Saturday morning kids' TV in the '70s.

I had the Mego action figures and the Corgi Batmobile which I thought were great. We all had them even though none of us had ever read a Batman comic, had never heard of DC, and were destined to forget all about the caped crusader once "The Six Million Dollar Man", "Starsky and Hutch" or even "Monkey" came along. Yes, kids are fickle and I changed what I was into more often than my underpants. I could probably list another hundred TV shows which caught our imaginations and almost forced some parents into bankruptcy with the merchandising.



As an adult who occasionally suffers from bouts of nostalgia, I remember the theme tune and opening titles of the "Batman" TV show more than any of the episodes. As you can see from the YouTube video above, it was pretty much a series of cartoon graphics with a couple of poorly animated moments and which promised more of the same. I don't think there was ever a child on the planet who wasn't a little bit disappointed by the live action which followed.

Having said that, Adam West will always be my Batman. I more than disliked Robin, I really hated him, and, to be completely honest, there were several times when I hoped that the villains would get the better of the pair of them. The villains were always far more interesting than the heroes.

Unfortunately, apart from watching episodes on YouTube, the 1966 movie version of the TV series is the only DVD available. There have always been a lot of arguments going on behind the scenes as to who owns the rights to what so I highly doubt that the complete series will ever appear on DVD now.

Even though I've always felt that the movie was overlong and a little bit dull compared to the individual episodes, at least it combined the talents of the four best supervillains: The Joker (Cesar Romero), The Penguin (Burgess Meredith), The Riddler (Frank Gorshin) and, of course, The Catwoman (Lee Meriwether).

I haven't watched it for so many years that I'm quite looking forward to seeing it again. I'll be back later with a proper review.