Blair Witch (2016)

"After discovering a video showing what he believes to be his vanished sister Heather, James and a group of friends head to the forest believed to be inhabited by the Blair Witch."

Starring another load of people you've never heard of and are probably never likely to hear of again, "Blair Witch" is an unnecessary sequel to a faux found footage movie I never liked very much in the first place.

So why watch it? Truth be told, I didn't. I just let my friends tell me how horrible it is, how annoying the characters are, and then I decided to write a nasty blog post about it. Hey, at least I'm honest.

I have no intention of ever wasting my time watching this shit made by Millennials for Millennials, or anything else Wingard and Barrett cobble together. From what I've been told, "Blair Witch" appears to borrow heavily from the Slender Man game and even features a thin-limbed CGI witch-creature to seal the deal. And that's really all I or anyone else needs to know. The rest of it is simply noisy jump scares.

Curious about what the Blair Witch actually looks like? Want to just see the witch and save yourself some money? Here ya go:

Naked Slender Man is actually pretty scary.

Fuck this movie and the original.

If I want motion-sickness from a movie which looks like a camera was being whirled round someone's head in a sock, I'm sure another equally lame "indie horror" offering will appear soon enough.

Another Ten New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

It's that time again!

No, it's not the time of the month when I menstruate or turn into a werewolf—neither thing is possible in my case—but when I round up another batch of nasty crap which I found to be unwatchable.

I know it's only been three weeks since I last posted one of these lists, and I should have waited, but as I intend to step up my game and only watch good movies from the beginning of September through to the end of October, I need to get the remaining junk out of the way once and for all.

As usual, this list is an eclectic mix of no-budget dreck plus a couple of bigger horror titles which should never have been distributed in the first place.


1. Night of the Tentacles (2013)

"In this obscene Faustian tale, a young artist sells his soul to Satan for the new heart he so desperately needs. The only catch is that the heart is a tentacled monstrosity with a hunger for human flesh!"

This no-budget horror/sex-comedy has nothing new to offer. The acting is atrocious, and it's not horrific, sexy or funny.

Although I was initially amused, I only made it up to Dave's heart attack before I had to hit fast-forward just to find a good view of the object of his affection. Once I saw that Esther was another one of those self-harmers with a bull-ring through her snout and all that other nastiness, off it went.


2. Exorcist Chronicles (2013)

"Across the world, demonic possessions are on the increase. Two specialists are brought in and uncover a dark and terrifying worldwide plot."

Proving once again that I'm not biased in favour of movies from my own country, this student film lost me the moment anyone spoke—not that I could tell what a lot of them were saying at times anyway because the sound quality is pretty awful.

Overuse of a fish-eye lens for the faux found footage also does not endear me to something like this. I switched it to fast-forward after 10 minutes and didn't see anything worth pausing for apart from a couple of not very attractive women going topless.


3. Nobody Gets Out Alive (2013)

"A group of college students escape their troubled lives but only to find themselves fighting for their lives from a revenge seeking mad man."

You've guessed it, "Nobody Gets Out Alive" (aka "Punishment") is another low-budget slasher. Yawn!

It's all been done better in every "Friday the 13th" clone that precedes this slowly-paced turd. While I'll admit that a couple of the kills are creative, the extremely poor effects and camerawork ruins them.

I wanted to switch this off during the first couple of minutes because of how cheap it looked, but I kept going until I was bored out of my mind with the bickering teenagers making stupid decisions.

I didn't see the end and don't care. Despite a running time of only 77 minutes, it still felt too long.


4. Germ Z (2013)

"The military's attempt to shoot down an orbiting satellite unleashes a space-borne epidemic on a remote, small town."

Another lacklustre "Fangoria Presents" title which, of course, has to be about zombies because of the "Z".

I was so confused by all the jumps between times and places in the first 5 minutes that I gave up on it.

As a low-budget zombie movie, it didn't look like something which would interest me anyway.



5. 9 Days (2013)

"The saying goes that love means never having to say you're sorry... This is especially true when you're being held in a religious madman's basement with your neck chained to a wooden post."

Since I couldn't tell if this was meant to be a comedy or something which was going to make clever use of "Dante's Inferno", I gave it a chance.

I probably would have watched the whole thing if it had been made 6 years ago and had turned up in a "Pendulum Pictures" multipack, but it's too low-budget, dated and boring for me now.

The plot is nothing new, so the drama relies on the chemistry and acting between the two leads which, quite frankly, isn't very good.

I skipped through most of it to see the "torture" and nudity. Neither is worth mentioning.


6. Dark Feed (2013)

"A film crew moves into an abandoned psychiatric hospital with a shadowy past to shoot a low budget horror movie."

"Dark Feed" looks like a lot of better movies because it uses the same locations, but it plays out like 20 really bad movies with nothing to gel them together. If there's any story to this, I still don't know what it is.

We all know that Lionsgate will release any old crap nowadays instead of their hoarded back catalogue of decent movies, but this is dreadful even for them.

There are too many characters and subplots to keep track of, so after 45 minutes of head-scratching, off it went.


7. A Haunting at Silver Falls (2013)

"A small town is haunted by the twin daughters of a wrongfully convicted man. Young Jordan is sent down the path to who the real killer is only to find the killer is very close to her."

Decent production values, and Alix Elizabeth Gitter is an extremely charismatic lead, but "Silver Falls" lost me somewhere in the first half an hour due to being too "teenage" and lacking in scares.

It's got a good TV movie quality to it, and I will return to this at a later date because I like ghost stories. Thus, I'm not writing it off completely yet, even though I don't think it's going to reveal anything which I haven't seen before.



8. The Wicked (2013)

"A group of teenagers test the legend of an immortal witch and get more than they bargained for."

It's not rated, but I suspect "The Wicked" is meant to be a PG-13 or an MA-14 on TV at most. Either way, it's too clichéd and kiddified for me. The witch is too much of a "Hallowe'en costume" character to take seriously, and the teens are all cookie-cutter TV actors from Nickelodeon, "90210", and that kind of thing.

If "The Wicked" turns up in a multipack one day, it'll be on there as the "slightly below average" one which sells it, but I couldn't get more than 10 minutes in before I hit fast-forward until just before the end.


9. Infected (2013)

"A blood virus infects a small group of hunters turning a father & son trip into a fight for survival."

Michael Madsen, Christy Romano, William Forsythe and some other people who I don't know the names of are besieged by virus-carrying zombies who attack their cabin in the woods.

And that's all I really needed to know before switching it off after Tracey Sheldon gratuitously flashed her boobs around 13 minutes in.

NO MORE ZOMBIES!



10. Animus (2013)

"Hoping to find proof of the paranormal, five film students set out to document the legendary Copper Queen Hospital. But as the sun goes down, they experience something far worse than they ever could have imagined and they find themselves pursued by a blood thirsty maniac."

I might not expect anything good from Midnight Releasing, but hasn't this plot about film crews biting of more than they can chew been done to death already? Off the top of my head, we've had "The Blair Witch Project" and its clones, "Grave Encounters" and its sequel, "Monsters in the Woods", "Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes", "Devil's Pass", and possibly "Dark Feed" (above).

Having skipped through the padding to the cheap-looking gory stuff at the end, I probably should have watched more of this movie because the pretty girls are great screamers. Oh, well, it's too late now. I don't think I missed out on anything important.


Now that I'm up-to-date with everything available, I'm going to take a short break before concentrating on more articles and reviews of classic horror.

Give or take any new releases, I'm pleased to say that this is the end of writing about bad horror movies for me.

Ten More New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

Because I said that horror was dead two years ago, some people may think all these new horror movies form somewhat of a contradiction. The thing is, I never said that no new horror movies would ever be produced, I meant that horror was creatively dead as a genre. I stand by that, and the filmmakers have continued to prove it every day.

Obviously, horror movies are still being made, and the existence of this blog shows I've been attempting to watch as many as I can stomach. Unfortunately, here are another ten which are so bad that even a seasoned professional like myself could not make it through any of them.


1. Battlefield Death Tales (2012)

"3 interlocking stories from the dark days of World War 2. A soldier on a suicide mission. A troubled family with a monster in their bomb shelter. A supernatural investigator on her most dangerous assignment yet."

Also known as "Nazi Zombie Battleground", this is an English no-budget nasty which I only watched because I thought it might be in the same vein as "Frankenstein's Army". Well, it kind of is and it mostly isn't.

It's a cheap-looking but nicely shot and costumed anthology movie with a horror/war theme. You can tell it's a "film school student film" because of the camerawork, but there's a little bit of talent there struggling to be seen.

A couple of very pretty girls who are ruined by their lack of acting ability and pronounciation of the English language provide the eyecandy. They do the best they can for non-actors, but there are too many extra Rs in their words for my taste.

I lasted for all of 10 minutes before I hit fast-forward to look for the non-existent horror bits.


2. The Sigil (2012)

"Rockford Illinois. Local boy, Logan Lewis, is reported dead along with 41 others at a house in Los Angeles, CA. The government releases a statement blaming a undiscovered uranium mine nearby. The bodies, over-exposed to radiation, have been confiscated. The house ruined and destroyed. Shaken by her brother's death, Devan seeks answers."

Bizarrely, this is an American low-budget movie which only has a British DVD release. I have no idea why that is.

I nearly switched it off during the faux found footage introduction, but I was intrigued enough by the conspiracy theory story to give it a few more minutes. I should have trusted my instincts because everything is too drawn-out and boring.

While the acting isn't atrocious, it's still extremely amateur. The girls, particularly the brunette, have such horrible, childish voices with excessive amounts of vocal fry going on that they hurt my delicate little ears. When they started screaming, it was more than I could bear!

I'm not sure how far I got into this movie because I fell asleep due to some kind of trauma-induced catalepsy.


3. Black Rock (2012)

"Three childhood friends set aside their personal issues and reunite for a girls' weekend on a remote island off the coast of Maine. One wrong move turns their weekend getaway into a deadly fight for survival."

I have a feeling that this is actually a thriller rather than a horror movie, but it doesn't matter anyway because I switched it to fast-forward right after the opening credits.

The affected way the girls were talking to each other in the car during their voiceover at the beginning set my teeth on edge. When the view changed from a black background, and I could see how plain they were, I had no interest in seeing any more of them either.

This might be a good thriller or a generic one. It's definitely not the horror movie I expected, and I don't care.


4. Dead Souls (2012)

"Johnny Petrie learns on his 18th birthday that he was adopted after inheriting a farm in Maine. Eager to start a new life, Johnny leaves home so he can began afresh in this 'new' dwelling."

Seeing the "Chiller TV" logo at the start of a movie doesn't exactly inspire confidence, so it's no surprise that this is another TV movie with no swearing, nudity or gore that I know of. None of that matters since it's a generic ghost story, but such things are too kiddified for me.

I may come back to this one at a later date because, apart from some obviously handheld camerawork in places, it doesn't look horrible.

It's possible that the storytelling may be fairly decent, but I switched it off after 30 minutes because nothing scary was happening.


5. The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013)

"A young family moves into an historic home in Georgia, only to learn they are not the house's only inhabitants. Soon they find themselves in the presence of a secret rising from underground and threatening to bring down anyone in its path."

I wanted to like this because the mother (played by Abigail Spencer) is kind of hot, but that's not a good enough reason to endure the boredom of the rest of it. As someone who can't abide children, I found her little girl to be irritating beyond belief.

Having not liked the Discovery Channel version of this story compared to their dramatisation of "A Haunting in Connecticut", it only took 40 minutes before I had to switch this off too for the sake of my own sanity.

I still can't get my head around why it wasn't just called "Ghosts of Georgia". Even with my lack of American geographical skills, I know that Georgia is a very long way from Connecticut!


6. Kiss of the Damned (2012)

"The vampire Djuna resists the advances of Paolo, but soon gives in to their passion. When her trouble-making sister unexpectedly comes to visit, Djuna's love is threatened, and the whole vampire community becomes endangered."

This was recommended by a friend of mine because I like "Twilight" and vampires. Unfortunately, I don't like movies which look this cheap, drag this slowly, and have the most unerotic scenes imaginable. Yes, it's even less erotic than "Twilight", and that's really saying something!

The girls are pretty in it and have sexy European accents, but none of them can act their way out of a coffin... if they even have one.

I watched big chunks of "Kiss of the Damned" but skipped others until it was over. I might return to it one day when I'm feeling as lethargic as the pace of the movie itself.


7. Portrait of a Zombie (2012)

"When son, Billy, becomes a zombie the family chooses to take care of him in the home much to the chagrin of the neighbours and the local crime boss."

Another low-budget zombie comedy? But Irish this time!

STRAIGHT OFF!

Sorry, I have no interest in listening to a load of people who can't say their THs properly, or zombies in any size, shape or form.

I've always hated "Shaun of the Dead" and its clones too.



8. 616: Paranormal Incident (2013)

"When Special Agent Watts and his Investigation Unit are called to the derelict Woodburrow Prison he thinks it's business as usual. But there's nothing usual about Woodburrow."

Beginning with some of the most amateur camerawork I've ever had the misfortune to see, coupled with the worst acting, "616: Paranormal Incident" was never likely hold my interest for long.

Even though the blonde mother looks a bit like Julia Roberts with a bigger, floppier mouth, she disappears from the movie before she gets to do anything, and it's all downhill from there.

As soon as the "Paranormal Investigations Unit" appeared, I couldn't stand it any longer. I'm estimating that I got around 5 or 6 minutes past the opening titles before it became too annoying to continue.


9. The Haunting of Helena (2012)

"A single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history."

I might have liked this more if it hadn't shown "The Collective" and "Bloody-Disgusting" logos right at the beginning. That's all the warning I need, thank you very much. Once I've got that nasty taste in my mouth, there's no way I can possibly enjoy anything which follows.

Fortunately, this is just a cheap Italian movie (originally voiced in English rather than dubbed), so I gave it a chance.

It wasted that chance after 10 minutes because I felt like I was watching live-action prototypes for the cutscenes in a survival horror computer game.


10. Deranged (2012)

"Four young, attractive girls go on a bachelorette party weekend in a remote country house in Spain, owned by their friend looking for sun, sex and sangria. The private party takes a sinister turn for the worst as one by one, the guests are brutally murdered. The race is on to uncover the killers identity and either fight back or die."

Finally, proving that my hatred of crappy movies once again extends to my own country's feeble offerings, this British movie set in Spain is notable for starring Craig Fairbrass and a bunch of the plainest actresses you are ever likely to see in a low-budget slasher. One of the girls even looks like Myra Hindley!

I didn't even make it far enough in to see former-"Eastender" Craig Fairbrass in all his glory!

All things considered, I would rather watch "Spice World" than any more of this.


That's another ten complete wastes of time successfully tallyteered for "Woeful Wednesday". If you've seen anything worse, let me know below. This may be masochistic, but it's started to become a monthly challenge which I almost look forward to.

Ten New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

Unlike Rex Reed, I'm not even going to pretend that I've seen these horror movies in their entirety. In some cases, I didn't even make it more than 5 minutes in without turning them off.

As far as I know, mutant space aliens could have appeared and disemboweled newborn babies left, right and centre with more gore than has ever been seen in a movie in the entire history of cinema. I highly doubt that they did or that such a thing would have saved these borefests, but if you watched any of them all the way through and it did happen, good for you.


1. A Field in England (2013)

"Fleeing for their lives, a small party abandon their Civil War confederates and escape through an overgrown field. Thinking only of what lay behind, they are ambushed by two dangerous men and made to search the field. Psychedelia, madness and chaotic forces slowly overtake the group as they question what treasure lies within the malignant field."

English Civil War soldiers swear like modern day Cockneys and (allegedly) eat mushrooms in black and white.

I switched it off after ten minutes.



2. The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012)

"An antiques collector inherits a house from his estranged mother only to discover that she had been living in a shrine devoted to a mysterious cult. Soon, he comes to suspect that his mother's oppressive spirit still lingers within her home and is using items in the house to contact him with an urgent message."

Some guy wanders round a house full of African tribal art occasionally talking to people who are wise enough to stay off camera.

After an hour of nothing happening, off it went.



3. The Cloth (2013)

"A godless man is recruited by a secret organization who works to combat demonic possessions in order to prepare a new generation in the battle against evil forces."

Danny Trejo, Eric Roberts, and some other people try to be Constantine.

I didn't even get through the first scene because of the camerawork and sound. Apparently, it gets worse.



4. Dracula: Reborn (2012)

"A modernized, loosely based take on Bram Stoker's Dracula novel, taking place in Los Angeles, California, where a wealthy Dracula looks to purchase an abandoned building and pursue the wife of his realtor, Jonathan Harker."

It's Dracula... again! Plus a bunch of incredibly beautiful girls and cheap CGI.

I fast-forwarded through it to look at the girls.



5. Knight of the Dead (2013)

"Hunted by raiders, a band of crusading knights escort the Holy Grail through a valley of black death where they must hack and slash their way to freedom."

Knights fight zombies for the SyFy channel.

I watched it on fast-forward because it's painfully slow... and it still sucked.



6. Jug Face (2013)

"Jug Face tells the story of a pregnant teen trying to escape a backwoods community when she discovers that she may be sacrificed to a creature in a pit."

A clone of "The Wicker Man" where an ugly pregnant girl is due to get sacrificed by hillbillies.

As soon as I heard the accents, it was over. I skipped to the end to see what happened. Meh.



7. Apocalypse Z (aka Zombie Massacre) (2013)

"A bacteriological weapon developed by the US Government to create a super soldier - spreads an epidemic in a quiet little town in the middle of Eastern Europe. All citizens have been turned into infected zombies. The plan is to bring an atomic bomb into the city's nuclear plant to pretend a terrible accident occurred. No one has to know the truth. A team of mercenaries is hired to complete the mission."

Uwe Boll does zombies and renames his movie to compete with the Summer blockbuster.

Skimmed on fast-forward to see the terrible zombie masks. Not good.



8. Detention of the Dead (2012)

"A group of oddball high school students find themselves trapped in detention with their classmates having turned into a horde of zombies."

A comedy? With zombies! A zombedy?

OFF!



9. Lord of Darkness (aka Sawney: Flesh of Man) (2012)

"Scottish cannibal Sawney Bean and his murderous, inbred family are responsible for over a thousand murders over the centuries."

Scottish people speaking Scottish and doing typically Scottish things with no plot.

I gave it ten minutes. Nothing good happened.



10. Requiem for the Damned (2012)

"Edgar Allan Poe. For nearly two hundred years his stories of the macabre have shocked and terrified audiences. And now, inspired by five of Poe's most terrifying tales, five filmmakers have banded together to create the ultimate tribute to the master: Edgar Allan Poe's Requiem For The Damned - featuring adaptations of : The Fall of the House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Black Cat, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders in the Rue Morgue."

No-budget Edgar Allan Poe and a bad claymation cat.

Nope.



Just think of this post as my way of "tallyteering" the crap which I couldn't get through at this present time. I might return to a couple of these movies later to give them a full review, but I'm unlikely to have the patience to do so. I may watch a lot of crappy movies for this blog, but I have my limits.