We Are What We Are (2010)

(AKA "Somos lo que hay")



"When the patriarch of the family passes away, the teenage children must take responsibility for the family chores: the preparation of the rituals, the hunting and putting the all-important meat on the table. These newfound responsibilities are even more daunting, however, when you live in the city and happen to be a family of cannibals."

Just a quick one for "Woeful Wednesday". I'm not going to spend much time on this older Mexican movie since the only reason I watched it was in preparation for the American remake which is coming soon.

Although I now love Spanish language movies (whether they be Mexican, Chilean, Colombian or Spanish), I didn't get much out of this one. "We Are What We Are" is more about the family's disintegration after the death of the father than it is about horror. There's plenty of blood and gore along the way. but most of the kills are off camera with only the aftermath shown. Don't believe the quote on the DVD cover about it being "a cannibal gore-fest" because it isn't.

Everything else you need to enjoy a movie is in place including decent (mainly handheld) camerawork and adequate acting, but the story isn't that great. For a family of cannibals, they are more about keeping a superstitious ritual going than appeasing their appetite, and they're pretty stupid in the way they go about it. Despite having some comic relief anyway, "We Are What We Are" might have been better played as a comedy.

Meh. Whatever.

I won't say that "We Are What We Are" is boring, but it does drag from time to time. There's a pretty girl in it, of course, who doesn't get to do as much as the others, so it's also a bit barren on the tottie front. Hopefully, Paulina Gaitan, the aforementioned pretty girl, will turn up in something horrific again one day because, apparently, she's become quite successful in other Mexican movies and TV shows.

I really don't have anything else to say about this movie. It has a few similarities to "Spider Baby" (1968), "The Hamiltons" (2006), and "Mum and Dad" (2008), but it's not even close to being as entertaining as any of them, and the ending is full of clichés. Thus, I wasn't completely disappointed, but I wasn't amazed by it either. "We Are What We Are" is simply an instantly forgettable movie which could have been so much better.

Here's a trailer for the remake (with the genders of the family members changed) which I might not watch now. It does look quite good though.

Who are the Horror Lamers?

I've often mentioned them on this blog as their very existence disgusts true horror fans, but if you're new to the genre, you may be wondering who these "Horror Lamers" are.

Without naming names (yet!), here's a rough guide to how the Horror Lamers clique came to be, their identifying characteristics, what motivates them, and what steps to take should you find yourself falling into their cosy trap of mediocrity.


History of the Horror Lamers

The Horror Lamers are an internet clique whose members initially met each other, as did most of us, through blogging portals such as "The Horror Blogger Allliance" and "The Lamb". While there's nothing intrinsically wrong with those sites themselves, the Horror Lamers decided to use them as social networking communities with the emphasis on being social rather than the subject matter.

Once they had ingratiated themselves, they invited their pretend friends from all the forums and real social networking sites to join them, and thus the "Horror Lamers", or "Horror Socials" as a friend of mine calls them, came to be.


Characteristics of a typical Horror Lamer

The Horror Lamers are horror fans in name only. They may have seen a few horror movies, but who hasn't? Even the most casual movie watcher has seen the more famous horror movies if only by accident or out of curiosity. Horror Lamers, however, take their appreciation of the well known horror movies to new levels of obsession because, let's face it, these are the only horror movies that they really know about. Don't be fooled though because it's mainly a bluff. Horror Lamers are more concerned with making friends and hanging out than discussing anything in the horror genre.

Here's an unordered list of their top ten favourite movies:

• A Nightmare on Elm Street
• Friday the 13th
• Evil Dead II
• Dawn of the Dead
• Creepshow
• Beetlejuice
• Army of Darkness
• Shaun of the Dead
• Trick 'r Treat
• Insidious

Give or take a few more slasher or zombie movies (especially if they are also comedies), these titles are the epitome of all things horror for a Horror Lamer. You'll find them repeated to death on their blogs and social networking profiles.

A typical blog post from a Horror Lamer will feature a big picture of one of their "horror icons", a poster, or some piece of related Etsy merchandise which they've found on Pinterest, and a couple of sentences expressing how "kewl" they think the subject is.

If they write "reviews", expect them to retell the whole story in their own words, include all the spoilers, and then finish with a couple of sentences saying, "It was kewl. I liked it." None of them knows the difference between a synopsis, an ecphrasis, or a critique, and they have no desire to change their state of blissful ignorance.

Horror Lamers rarely watch or mention new horror movies unless they are the most popular pieces of mainstream dreck which hit the theatres around Hallowe'en. Yes, they love Hallowe'en! Big time! In recent years, some Horror Lamers have attempted to promote "Paranormal Activity" (because they never really understood "Saw"), but their shilling of remakes and Blumhouse Productions have largely fallen on deaf ears.

Most horror lamers are stuck in the '80s and will frequently overuse the word "cheesy" or "cheesey [sic]" to describe their favourite movies. Many have adopted West Coast speech patterns whereby everything is "super" something-or-other, and, oh yes, there will be acronyms and text speak! "OMG, it was like super cheesey LOL" Note that they love using "LOL" instead of and without punctuation as the end beat of their sentences.

While there's nothing particularly harmful about such fluff, it's from the interactions which follow that things become more annoying. If you're ever silly enough to comment on one of their posts, expect to be immediately followed back and commented on yourself with one of these generic responses:

• "Great post! I adore this movie!"
• "Good post! I love this movie!"
• "Nice post! I like this movie a lot!"

Get the picture? They have nothing insightful to say about your review or article because they don't really know anything about the subject. They're hoping to see pictures (which they can steal for their own blogs) and don't read what you have to say anyway. If you've mentioned one of their known movies, they'll only see a potential kindred spirit and want to be your friend even more.

Other notable replies include just noticing the title of your blog and writing whatever they damned well feel like in a vaguely related way. You could have spent days writing the best analysis of Jason Voorhees' supernatural abilities, but you'll get "Nice post. I really love Jason's mom. She's so kewl." or something equally irrelevant. If you're really lucky, you might get a link to their latest blog about "Beetlejuice bobbleheads" made out of cardboard and earwax by one of their friends on Etsy.

After a dozen or so replies, and being guilt-tripped into commenting back, you'll probably be looking for ways to block the Horror Lamers from your life, only to find that they've also invaded your social networking groups and those of your real life friends as well.


Three misconceptions about Horror Lamers

1. Horror Lamers are noobs. No, they have been around for a long time, but they know as little about the horror genre as they did when they first decided to use it as a means to an end.
2. Horror Lamers are all girls. Although some Horror Lamers are girls, or guys pretending to be girls (and vice versa), the split is roughly 80-20 in favour of males. Unlike some cliques where the novelty value attracts a bunch of horndogs, the Horror Lamer girls are a gruesome looking bunch and the men aren't any better.
3. Horror Lamers are still horror fans. Only in the same way that a biscuit is a kind of cake. I've even had one leave a comment saying, "I don't really like horror films, but..." That's the mentality behind them.

What motivates a Horror Lamer?

The bottom line is that they are lonely. They want internet friends and have latched onto the fact that the mythical "horror community" is a friendlier and more accepting bunch than other cliques. They often come unstuck, but they know that new/younger horror fans feel like outsiders and are begging for attention. The Horror Lamers just can't wait to give it to them, and the amount of smoke that they'll blow up asses is legendary!

At this point you may ask, "So what's wrong with that?" Nothing, if these people were being truly atruistic and honest, but they're not. They will make friends with you because they need you a lot more than you need them. They want their numbers of subscribers, followers, likes and comments to be as big as possible because it makes them feel popular for the first time in their empty lives.

When you go to their blogs and see between 20 to 30 comments under yet another picture of Freddy's glove while your analysis of the end scene of "Martyrs" still has tumbleweeds blowing through it, it's bound to fool you into thinking that they are doing something right and you aren't. But examine these comments closely and you will see that they are all from the same people, several times over, and the number includes the blogger's own multiple replies! Aw, they think the comments section is a chat room!


How to avoid the Horror Lamers

The sad thing is that you can't. Sooner or later, just by letting it be known that you are into horror, one of them will find your blog and tell his or her friends about it.

I imagine that a typical conversation between one Horror Lamer and another goes something like this:

Horror Lamer 1: "Hey, I just found a kewl new blog! The guy really loves Freddy and Jason and has lots of wicked kewl pictures. I followed him and he followed me back. You should follow him too!"
Horror Lamer 2: "Oh kewl. Link me and I'll check it out! He follows back, yeah?"
Horror Lamer 1: "Absolutely. Here's the link - http:/freddyandjasonaretotesamazeballs.org. K. Bye."

Watch in horror as your Google Friend Connect box or Twitter followers list gets populated by the same faces that you've seen dozens of times while surfing horror blogs yourself. You'll probably get a load of "e-book reviewers" and "YA horror authors" as well. Very rarely, you'll get non-bloggers who the Horror Lamers have brought over from Pinterest or their Facebook groups, but they'll maybe only comment once with a spam link.


How to remove Horror Lamers from your life

Most people think that if you don't reply and don't acknowledge them, the Horror Lamers will get bored and disappear. If only it was that simple. They'll cling to you like leeches and suck the joy out of being a horror blogger unless you take action.

The only thing you can do to get rid of these pests completely is to install Disqus and block them. Blocking them from your GFC widget does nothing, but they will probably flame you on their Facebook walls and Twitter timelines for doing so. Once they've invaded your Facebook and Twitter, Horror Lamers are an even worse problem and pose a potential threat to your credibility, so be prepared to nip them in the bud before they get that far.

Here's a list of guaranteed to be successful methods:

• Consistently insult everything that they like even if you actually like some of the same things yourself.
• Flame them first! Name, shame, and call them out.
• Block them everywhere, and warn your friends to do the same.

The Horror Lamers will retaliate, and your subscriber count will drop, but it's worth it in the long run. It's so worth it!


Other horror cliques online

Although the Horror Lamers drift in and out of other cliques—or rather join them and get banned—there are several horror cliques which are just as despicable, and some have even more sinister agendas.

• The Horror Poseurs. AKA The Rob Zombie Lookalikes. They are covered in tattoos and piercings, only wear black horror movie t-shirts, listen exclusively to rock music, and watch nothing but indie horror movies. Ask them for their opinion of "Wolf Blood", and then wait several years for them to come up with an answer which doesn't have the name of a wrestler in it.
• The Hardcore Horror Fans. Watching everything indescriminately just to tick the movies off, these guys live and breathe all things horror, belong to every forum, want to make their own horror, but have no discernable talent or ability to do so. Many of them end up as indie horror filmmakers, bloggers, or suicides.
• The Indie Horror Filmmakers. A camera from Wal-mart, a bunch of drunken friends, a backyard to lark around in, and a DVD burner on their computers are all the things these guys need to have a good time. Often to be found lurking Kickstarter or Indiegogo and begging non-stop for money on the social networks.
• The Wannabe Scream Queens. They will do anything to get 5 seconds in any horror movie just so they can have an IMDb profile and claim that they are actresses.
• The Horror Neckbeards. Morbidly obese, unshaven and unwashed, still living with their parents, but with hoards of horror DVDs and books which they believe will make up for their physical and social inadequacies. Most are virgins and have very active YouTube channels or podcasts.
• The Horror Lites. Not so much a clique as a constantly metamorphosing hivemind who love horror which isn't too horrific. Formerly "Buffy" fans, they've now turned to "Twilight", "Underworld", "Resident Evil", horror comedies, and TV shows such as  "Dexter", "True Blood", "Bates Motel" and "The Walking Dead". Their position as horror fans is tenuous at best.
• Women in Horror. Fauxminists who promote their members' indie movies until you're sick to death of hearing about them. Any criticism of this hypocritical PR group is met with allegations of sexism and made out to be a further example of male oppression. Historically, they have repeatedly proven themselves to be the biggest cyberbullies and cowards on the internet. Be forewarned that they will opportunistically play the victim card if it looks like their equally brainwashed, emasculated, whiteknighting male followers can be called in to do some dirty work for them. It's best to not speak to any of them unless you want to be falsely accused of something.
• The Horror Haters. It doesn't matter what it is, they hate it. Remakes, sequels, even the original movies and the actors in them. They hate everything to do with horror movies, but they carry on watching them regardless! Sometimes their opinions are supported by the next group.
• The Horror Contrarians. Truly polarising movies confuse them, so they'll say exactly the opposite of the norm to create controversy. If someone hates "The Conjuring", they'll gush like fanboys over all the reasons why it's the greatest horror movie ever made. If someone likes "The Exorcist", they'll tear it several new assholes to get pageviews.
• The Vampires. They honestly believe that they are vampires and will drink your blood if you let them. They love everything to do with vampires and nothing else although there are werewolves among them now too who are even more amusing trollcows.
• The Horror Hipsters. For them, a horror movie has to be so obscure that only two or three people have heard of it. They love the idea of "cult", but hate it when it happens. Ironically amusing "so bad it's good" movies float their boat until more people buy into the delusion, and then they disown them.
• The Horror Elite. The last great horror clique which is dying out due to the age of its founder members. The horror elite have seen every horror movie from every subgenre and quantified/qualified them objectively. Probably the toughest clique to join because their members are ageist.

Have you been a victim of the Horror Lamers? Do you now know who they are? Do you think that you may have fallen into the trap of being a Horror Lamer yourself? Or do you identify with another online horror clique? Leave me a comment below.

33 horror movies from 2012 which I will never watch

Speaking as someone who tries to watch every horror movie from every subgenre as they become available, there comes a point when the amount left to see is so overwhelming that harsh decisions have to be made about whether they will ever be watched or not.

Sometimes it's the subject matter, sometimes it's the uninspiring artwork and blurb on the DVD—occasionally, it's merely the name of the movie—but every case is assessed individually before I invest my time and money. Due to many years of experience, I can often tell if a movie is going to be a crappy one without even putting the DVD in the player. Mistakes still happen, and some of the slew of shit manages to slip through, but at least they're confined to rentals because I never blind buy.

You can me "narrow minded" if you like, but you'd be wrong. I'm cynical, and I usually do a lot of research before parting with my money. I don't succumb to marketing or peer pressure, so all my movie watching choices are entirely my own. The following, however, are the titles which didn't interest me enough to give them a chance.

Please note that I'm going "old school" with this post. There are no trailers, no pretty pictures, and no Amazon links. I'm just going to write a couple of sentences about each movie to give you a brief insight into how I choose what is worth watching and what isn't. I haven't actually watched even a second of any of these movies, and I never will.


1. 23 Minutes to Sunrise (2012)
Despite having Eric Roberts in it, what looks like a low-budget crime drama set in a diner doesn't appeal to me. The title suggests a vampire movie, but it isn't. It's also a lot more than 23 minutes long.

2. 1920: Evil Returns (2012)
Tempting though it is to watch an Indian version of "The Exorcist", I've done that before with another Hindi movie which I can't remember the name of. It wasn't good. There's novelty value here and a very beautiful actress, but I'll pass.

3. American Horror House (2012)
The SyFy channel's attempt to cash-in on the name of "American Horror Story" suggests that it's about ghosts, but it looks like a TV-rated slasher centred around a University sorority. I suspect it to be yet another load of annoying teenage girls running around and screaming. No, thank you.

4. Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)
I have no interest in Bigfoot or fake found footage, so this is an easy one to skip. I can imagine that it's all shakycams, some guy in a hairy costume, and everybody will die at the end.

5. Black Forest (2012)
Tinsel Korey, the scarred werewolf-girl from the "Twilight" movies is in this, but so is Ben Cross, and it's another SyFy movie. The blurb says that it's a fantasy set in the Black Forest, Germany, and has something to do with fairytales. If it was about gâteau, I'd be more inclined to watch it.

6. The Caretaker (2012)
A low-budget Australian "cabin in the woods" movie with vampires. That's all the information I need. Vampire kangaroos would be a much better idea.

7. Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)
It's a comedy, so it doesn't matter how many well-known British actors have cameos in it. Also zombies. Ugh! If I was still living in England, and it was shown on a satellite TV channel, I'd probably give it a few minutes just to ogle Michelle Ryan.

8. Community (2012)
Reading between the lines, this may be a British shakycam version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" set on a council housing estate. It has Jemma Dallender (the pretty star of the upcoming "I Spit on Your Grave 2") in it, but sadly, it's full of angry chavs as well.

9. Creep Van (2012)
Apparently, this is a low-budget slasher rather than the story of a possessed van. Either way, it sounds boring, and it's bound to look like a YouTube video.

10. Crowsnest (2012)
Canadian found footage about nomadic cannibals in an R.V. attacking a bunch of teenagers. Since it's Canadian, I imagine that the acting will be okay, but the plot will rip-off half a dozen more famous American cannibal movies and slashers.

11. The Dead Want Women (2012)
A Full Moon movie full of pretty girls and Eric Roberts. What could go wrong? I'll wait for it to appear on an Echo Bridge multipack, and then fast forward through it for the nudie bits. Not really.

12. Demon Hunter (2012)
There are so many movies like this in existence that I've probably already seen this under another name. Just different girls to see topless, more no-budget effects, and non-existent "acting" to spoil my day.

13. Donner Pass (2012)
This is bound to end up on Netflix. By not having the service anymore, I can ignore another bunch of pretty "teenagers" getting killed and eaten by cannibals. Strange title though. It makes me think of kebabs.

14. Fetish Dolls Die Laughing (2012)
With a title like that, it reeks of being a no-budget horror-comedy.

15. Freakshow Apocalypse: The Unholy Sideshow (2012)
It's one of those no-budget nasties which is directed by, written by, and stars the same person. I'll bet that it's about a bunch of weird-looking friends with more tattoos than teeth as they try to copy scenes from Rob Zombie videos. If I'm wrong, I don't care.

16. Ghoul (2012)
A made-for-TV clone of "The Goonies" and "The Monster Squad" maybe? Nope. I can't stand horror movies with little kids doing a load of investigating and their uncaring parents who don't believe them.

17. Girls Against Boys (2012)
A rape-revenge drama which might be good, but I've seen far too many rape-revenge dramas over the years. I'd be very surprised if it offers anything better than "I Spit on Your Grave" as it's probably a formulaic clone of the same thing.

18. Grave Encounters 2 (2012)
I didn't watch more than 5 minutes of the first one, so I'm not going to watch an obviously inferior sequel. I hate all those bullshit "Ghost Hunters" TV shows which this is supposed to look like anyway.

19. Haunted High (2012)
Another SyFy movie which I've had no interest in since learning that one of the morbidly obese movie reviewers from YouTube has a part in it. That, and the childish story itself, puts me right off wanting to see a couple of minutes of Charisma Carpenter.

20. Lizzie (2012)
Having seen the TV movie version, "The Legend of Lizzie Borden" (1975), I can't see any way that this could offer anything new.

21. Lost Woods (2012)
Because the title suggests a movie about erectile dysfunction on a porn set, I was intrigued for a few seconds. Finding out that it's about an alien creature, i.e. a guy wearing a bear costume and a "Predator" mask, who chases campers through a forest destroyed those hopes. It's clearly no-budget crap of the highest order.

22. Love Bite (2012)
Supposed to be a romantic-comedy version "The Inbetweeners" with a werewolf. Apart from Jessica Szohr, there doesn't appear to be any good reason to watch this low-budget "An American Werewolf in Paris" clone.

23. Monsters in the Woods (2012)
Yet another one of those "film crew shooting a movie" ones with boobs and blood but no-budget. Normally a good choice for a "Woeful Wednesday" post, but I have my limits.

24. The Mooring (2012)
"Every 40 seconds a person goes missing." And he's getting really sick of it now! It's a handycam "Friday the 13th" clone set in Idaho, so it's girls being chased through the woods by a psycho. Probably has potatoes in it too.

25. Night Claws (2012)
I wanted it to be a movie about cats, but it's another one about Bigfoot. It's distributed by Midnight Releasing, so it's got to be worse than something by The Asylum.

26. No Tell Motel (2012)
I have a horrible feeling that I've already seen this one... about 50 times over and made by other people! It's about a haunted motel, but it's not going to be as even half as good as "The Innkeepers". I was very disappointed by "The Innkeepers", by the way.

27. Parasitic (2012)
A Florida nightclub gets invaded by an alien parasite. Alrighty then, it's low-budget sci-fi/horror. Do not want!

28. Poe (2012)
Either a film about Edgar Allan Poe or something about toilets, right? No such luck. The blurb says it's about a serial-killing cannibal. In other words, this is no-budget Hannibal Lecter.

29. Rise of the Zombies (2012)
The SyFy channel does more zombies. Ethan Suplee (Randy from "My Name is Earl") is in this. I like him, but not more zombies! No more zombies ever!

30. Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood 3D (2012)
Just look at the title! You can probably tell me all the reasons why I wouldn't want to watch this! It's got Tom Savini and Kane Hodder in it too, and we all know what fantastic actors they are.

31. The Sleeper (2012)
Supposedly a "throwback to the '80s"-style slasher where another sorority house is killed off. Why would anyone feel the need to make something like this in a market already saturated by no-budget slashers?

32. Snow White: A Deadly Summer (2012)
The girl on the coverart looks beautiful, but I don't think another movie with Eric Roberts in it is going to be all that great. Added to that, it's a modern interpretation of the famous fairytale, and those really don't work well.

33. Vampireland (AKA The 6th Extinction) (2012)
A no-budget version of "Stake Land". In every conceivable way, NO!


Since half the fun of being a horror movie reviewer is finding things which other people may not have heard of, if you've actually seen any of these movies, feel free to let me know if I did the right thing by not watching them.

Ten More New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

Because I said that horror was dead two years ago, some people may think all these new horror movies form somewhat of a contradiction. The thing is, I never said that no new horror movies would ever be produced, I meant that horror was creatively dead as a genre. I stand by that, and the filmmakers have continued to prove it every day.

Obviously, horror movies are still being made, and the existence of this blog shows I've been attempting to watch as many as I can stomach. Unfortunately, here are another ten which are so bad that even a seasoned professional like myself could not make it through any of them.


1. Battlefield Death Tales (2012)

"3 interlocking stories from the dark days of World War 2. A soldier on a suicide mission. A troubled family with a monster in their bomb shelter. A supernatural investigator on her most dangerous assignment yet."

Also known as "Nazi Zombie Battleground", this is an English no-budget nasty which I only watched because I thought it might be in the same vein as "Frankenstein's Army". Well, it kind of is and it mostly isn't.

It's a cheap-looking but nicely shot and costumed anthology movie with a horror/war theme. You can tell it's a "film school student film" because of the camerawork, but there's a little bit of talent there struggling to be seen.

A couple of very pretty girls who are ruined by their lack of acting ability and pronounciation of the English language provide the eyecandy. They do the best they can for non-actors, but there are too many extra Rs in their words for my taste.

I lasted for all of 10 minutes before I hit fast-forward to look for the non-existent horror bits.


2. The Sigil (2012)

"Rockford Illinois. Local boy, Logan Lewis, is reported dead along with 41 others at a house in Los Angeles, CA. The government releases a statement blaming a undiscovered uranium mine nearby. The bodies, over-exposed to radiation, have been confiscated. The house ruined and destroyed. Shaken by her brother's death, Devan seeks answers."

Bizarrely, this is an American low-budget movie which only has a British DVD release. I have no idea why that is.

I nearly switched it off during the faux found footage introduction, but I was intrigued enough by the conspiracy theory story to give it a few more minutes. I should have trusted my instincts because everything is too drawn-out and boring.

While the acting isn't atrocious, it's still extremely amateur. The girls, particularly the brunette, have such horrible, childish voices with excessive amounts of vocal fry going on that they hurt my delicate little ears. When they started screaming, it was more than I could bear!

I'm not sure how far I got into this movie because I fell asleep due to some kind of trauma-induced catalepsy.


3. Black Rock (2012)

"Three childhood friends set aside their personal issues and reunite for a girls' weekend on a remote island off the coast of Maine. One wrong move turns their weekend getaway into a deadly fight for survival."

I have a feeling that this is actually a thriller rather than a horror movie, but it doesn't matter anyway because I switched it to fast-forward right after the opening credits.

The affected way the girls were talking to each other in the car during their voiceover at the beginning set my teeth on edge. When the view changed from a black background, and I could see how plain they were, I had no interest in seeing any more of them either.

This might be a good thriller or a generic one. It's definitely not the horror movie I expected, and I don't care.


4. Dead Souls (2012)

"Johnny Petrie learns on his 18th birthday that he was adopted after inheriting a farm in Maine. Eager to start a new life, Johnny leaves home so he can began afresh in this 'new' dwelling."

Seeing the "Chiller TV" logo at the start of a movie doesn't exactly inspire confidence, so it's no surprise that this is another TV movie with no swearing, nudity or gore that I know of. None of that matters since it's a generic ghost story, but such things are too kiddified for me.

I may come back to this one at a later date because, apart from some obviously handheld camerawork in places, it doesn't look horrible.

It's possible that the storytelling may be fairly decent, but I switched it off after 30 minutes because nothing scary was happening.


5. The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013)

"A young family moves into an historic home in Georgia, only to learn they are not the house's only inhabitants. Soon they find themselves in the presence of a secret rising from underground and threatening to bring down anyone in its path."

I wanted to like this because the mother (played by Abigail Spencer) is kind of hot, but that's not a good enough reason to endure the boredom of the rest of it. As someone who can't abide children, I found her little girl to be irritating beyond belief.

Having not liked the Discovery Channel version of this story compared to their dramatisation of "A Haunting in Connecticut", it only took 40 minutes before I had to switch this off too for the sake of my own sanity.

I still can't get my head around why it wasn't just called "Ghosts of Georgia". Even with my lack of American geographical skills, I know that Georgia is a very long way from Connecticut!


6. Kiss of the Damned (2012)

"The vampire Djuna resists the advances of Paolo, but soon gives in to their passion. When her trouble-making sister unexpectedly comes to visit, Djuna's love is threatened, and the whole vampire community becomes endangered."

This was recommended by a friend of mine because I like "Twilight" and vampires. Unfortunately, I don't like movies which look this cheap, drag this slowly, and have the most unerotic scenes imaginable. Yes, it's even less erotic than "Twilight", and that's really saying something!

The girls are pretty in it and have sexy European accents, but none of them can act their way out of a coffin... if they even have one.

I watched big chunks of "Kiss of the Damned" but skipped others until it was over. I might return to it one day when I'm feeling as lethargic as the pace of the movie itself.


7. Portrait of a Zombie (2012)

"When son, Billy, becomes a zombie the family chooses to take care of him in the home much to the chagrin of the neighbours and the local crime boss."

Another low-budget zombie comedy? But Irish this time!

STRAIGHT OFF!

Sorry, I have no interest in listening to a load of people who can't say their THs properly, or zombies in any size, shape or form.

I've always hated "Shaun of the Dead" and its clones too.



8. 616: Paranormal Incident (2013)

"When Special Agent Watts and his Investigation Unit are called to the derelict Woodburrow Prison he thinks it's business as usual. But there's nothing usual about Woodburrow."

Beginning with some of the most amateur camerawork I've ever had the misfortune to see, coupled with the worst acting, "616: Paranormal Incident" was never likely hold my interest for long.

Even though the blonde mother looks a bit like Julia Roberts with a bigger, floppier mouth, she disappears from the movie before she gets to do anything, and it's all downhill from there.

As soon as the "Paranormal Investigations Unit" appeared, I couldn't stand it any longer. I'm estimating that I got around 5 or 6 minutes past the opening titles before it became too annoying to continue.


9. The Haunting of Helena (2012)

"A single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history."

I might have liked this more if it hadn't shown "The Collective" and "Bloody-Disgusting" logos right at the beginning. That's all the warning I need, thank you very much. Once I've got that nasty taste in my mouth, there's no way I can possibly enjoy anything which follows.

Fortunately, this is just a cheap Italian movie (originally voiced in English rather than dubbed), so I gave it a chance.

It wasted that chance after 10 minutes because I felt like I was watching live-action prototypes for the cutscenes in a survival horror computer game.


10. Deranged (2012)

"Four young, attractive girls go on a bachelorette party weekend in a remote country house in Spain, owned by their friend looking for sun, sex and sangria. The private party takes a sinister turn for the worst as one by one, the guests are brutally murdered. The race is on to uncover the killers identity and either fight back or die."

Finally, proving that my hatred of crappy movies once again extends to my own country's feeble offerings, this British movie set in Spain is notable for starring Craig Fairbrass and a bunch of the plainest actresses you are ever likely to see in a low-budget slasher. One of the girls even looks like Myra Hindley!

I didn't even make it far enough in to see former-"Eastender" Craig Fairbrass in all his glory!

All things considered, I would rather watch "Spice World" than any more of this.


That's another ten complete wastes of time successfully tallyteered for "Woeful Wednesday". If you've seen anything worse, let me know below. This may be masochistic, but it's started to become a monthly challenge which I almost look forward to.

Ten New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

Unlike Rex Reed, I'm not even going to pretend that I've seen these horror movies in their entirety. In some cases, I didn't even make it more than 5 minutes in without turning them off.

As far as I know, mutant space aliens could have appeared and disemboweled newborn babies left, right and centre with more gore than has ever been seen in a movie in the entire history of cinema. I highly doubt that they did or that such a thing would have saved these borefests, but if you watched any of them all the way through and it did happen, good for you.


1. A Field in England (2013)

"Fleeing for their lives, a small party abandon their Civil War confederates and escape through an overgrown field. Thinking only of what lay behind, they are ambushed by two dangerous men and made to search the field. Psychedelia, madness and chaotic forces slowly overtake the group as they question what treasure lies within the malignant field."

English Civil War soldiers swear like modern day Cockneys and (allegedly) eat mushrooms in black and white.

I switched it off after ten minutes.



2. The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012)

"An antiques collector inherits a house from his estranged mother only to discover that she had been living in a shrine devoted to a mysterious cult. Soon, he comes to suspect that his mother's oppressive spirit still lingers within her home and is using items in the house to contact him with an urgent message."

Some guy wanders round a house full of African tribal art occasionally talking to people who are wise enough to stay off camera.

After an hour of nothing happening, off it went.



3. The Cloth (2013)

"A godless man is recruited by a secret organization who works to combat demonic possessions in order to prepare a new generation in the battle against evil forces."

Danny Trejo, Eric Roberts, and some other people try to be Constantine.

I didn't even get through the first scene because of the camerawork and sound. Apparently, it gets worse.



4. Dracula: Reborn (2012)

"A modernized, loosely based take on Bram Stoker's Dracula novel, taking place in Los Angeles, California, where a wealthy Dracula looks to purchase an abandoned building and pursue the wife of his realtor, Jonathan Harker."

It's Dracula... again! Plus a bunch of incredibly beautiful girls and cheap CGI.

I fast-forwarded through it to look at the girls.



5. Knight of the Dead (2013)

"Hunted by raiders, a band of crusading knights escort the Holy Grail through a valley of black death where they must hack and slash their way to freedom."

Knights fight zombies for the SyFy channel.

I watched it on fast-forward because it's painfully slow... and it still sucked.



6. Jug Face (2013)

"Jug Face tells the story of a pregnant teen trying to escape a backwoods community when she discovers that she may be sacrificed to a creature in a pit."

A clone of "The Wicker Man" where an ugly pregnant girl is due to get sacrificed by hillbillies.

As soon as I heard the accents, it was over. I skipped to the end to see what happened. Meh.



7. Apocalypse Z (aka Zombie Massacre) (2013)

"A bacteriological weapon developed by the US Government to create a super soldier - spreads an epidemic in a quiet little town in the middle of Eastern Europe. All citizens have been turned into infected zombies. The plan is to bring an atomic bomb into the city's nuclear plant to pretend a terrible accident occurred. No one has to know the truth. A team of mercenaries is hired to complete the mission."

Uwe Boll does zombies and renames his movie to compete with the Summer blockbuster.

Skimmed on fast-forward to see the terrible zombie masks. Not good.



8. Detention of the Dead (2012)

"A group of oddball high school students find themselves trapped in detention with their classmates having turned into a horde of zombies."

A comedy? With zombies! A zombedy?

OFF!



9. Lord of Darkness (aka Sawney: Flesh of Man) (2012)

"Scottish cannibal Sawney Bean and his murderous, inbred family are responsible for over a thousand murders over the centuries."

Scottish people speaking Scottish and doing typically Scottish things with no plot.

I gave it ten minutes. Nothing good happened.



10. Requiem for the Damned (2012)

"Edgar Allan Poe. For nearly two hundred years his stories of the macabre have shocked and terrified audiences. And now, inspired by five of Poe's most terrifying tales, five filmmakers have banded together to create the ultimate tribute to the master: Edgar Allan Poe's Requiem For The Damned - featuring adaptations of : The Fall of the House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Black Cat, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders in the Rue Morgue."

No-budget Edgar Allan Poe and a bad claymation cat.

Nope.



Just think of this post as my way of "tallyteering" the crap which I couldn't get through at this present time. I might return to a couple of these movies later to give them a full review, but I'm unlikely to have the patience to do so. I may watch a lot of crappy movies for this blog, but I have my limits.

Cutting Edge Cinema: Extreme Monsters

This is one of several multipacks from R Squared Films which came out during the Summer last year to compete directly with Echo Bridge Home Entertainment's "Midnight Horror Collection". Having artwork designed to fool the less observant buyer into thinking that these are more Echo Bridge Home Entertainment products is only slightly less reprehensible than the quality of the movies themselves.

Make no mistake, most of these "movies" (and I use that term very loosely) are the kind of no-budget, "hobby horror" dreck which give independent horror an even worse reputation than its deluded and easily butthurt fans have already made for it. According to various message boards and blogs, there's one movie in every pack that's tolerable, but the rest are almost unwatchable unless you enjoy the lowest common denominators on YouTube. Some lucky people even have defective DVDs that won't play all the movies listed anyway.

Other titles in the range include "Extreme Horror", "Extreme Vampires", "Extreme Zombies" and an "Extreme Canadian Horror: 5 Movie Collection" (presumably because nobody could find 3 more Canadian horror movies to make another 8 pack). I can't say that I have any interest in the others especially as the titles of each collection aren't entirely appropriate for the subject matter contained within.

"Extreme Monsters" is the first of these collections that I've bought. All the movies play perfectly, but it's likely to be the last of these packs for me based on what's in it.


Little Red Devil (2008)

"Jimmy Lidell is a 'nobody', stealing to earn a living in a dead-end life searching for his long lost girlfriend... until he meets Luc Tyer... a bigger-than-life underworld heavy that makes him an 'offer he can't refuse'. Jimmy accepts, but is leery about the secret motives behind Luc's willingness to teach the business. Jimmy's mother suspects that Jimmy may be running with the wrong crowd, but Jimmy turns a deaf ear to her religious warnings."

Tommy Brunswick's version of "Angel Heart" (1987) isn't too bad apart from the special effects and demon which looks like it escaped from "Legend" (1985). It's a bit slow, the characters aren't very likeable, but it's still very watchable and even has a couple of great performances which are completely wasted due to everything else.

Starring Daniel Baldwin, James Russo and Dee Wallace, "Little Red Devil" is the closest that Tommy has come to making a decent horror movie, but it's probably her last too. You have to give her credit for getting this far as a director though.


Spirits of the Fall (2008)

"This Halloween, the spirits are restless and things that go bump in the night are closer than they seem for Chris, a widower who is coming to terms with his loss. While living in his hotel, strange things begin to happen. Voices in the night and faces at the window are not uncommon and things are about to get a lot worse when he is forced to face the paranormal and save his wife's soul from the evil spirit of her killer."

This poorly acted haunted house movie is the only reason why I wanted this pack. It's a British "indie horror" (AKA crappy amateur movie) which makes it a bit of a novelty. As a country used to only renting real movies from Blockbuster, we don't go in for a lot of these no-budget nasties.

Having struggled to get through it, I can see why we have more sense in Britain than to get involved with such utter crap. Even if this was uploaded to YouTube, it would still be hated. The overused faux "Jacob's Ladder"-style head wobbling and screaming near the end is icing on the cake.

Definitely one to skip.


The Whistler (2006)

"When a no-good band of thugs enter a quiet small town to unleash their terror, nothing could prepare them for the wrath of a gentle giant who would defend the honor of his one true love to the end of his life, and beyond."

Entertaining in places, especially the nudity and gore effects early on, but ultimately "The Whistler" is another pile of zombie crap made by people with no storytelling skills whatsoever.

It tries so hard to be serious that it's often pompous rather than being bad enough to be unintentionally funny. The dialogue and delivery are particularly atrocious, but it's the pacing which kills it.

If I was bored enough, I would rewatch sections of this for the beautiful girls but not as a horror movie.


Where the Dogs Divide Her (2011)

"Where the Dogs Divide Her begins amid the aftermath of a family massacre. A nameless man sits in an unfamiliar bathroom, his bloodied hands trembling as he ponders his crime of passion. An amnesiac without an identity, he goes in search of himself, only to unearth a long-buried family secret surrounding the bizarre deaths of his parents. An abstract ghost story populated by ever-threatening specters, shadowy souls with evil motives who inhabit a nightmare world within a troubled killer's psyche. They might offer a smile or a kind word, but their only purpose is to snare others into their Hell. Before the killer can come to terms with his deeds and escape this esoteric prison, he must confront his dead parents and make good on an infant's promise made thirty years ago."

Great title, but a desperately horrible "experimental movie" full of flashbacks and flashforwards like this isn't likely to satisfy anyone. At nearly 2 hours long, it's quite an endurance test which I don't think many horror fans will tolerate. I really tried to enjoy it, but I couldn't. Sadly, I didn't make it to the end and have no desire to return to it for more brain-numbing torture.

Fans of David Lynch might get something out of it, but the characters were too uninvolving for me. I don't like arty-farty movies anyway, and I wouldn't call "Where the Dogs Divide Her" a horror movie either.

The music used is quite nice though.


They Must Eat (2006)

"Sanford will forever be a socially inept loser. Now approaching the age of forty, his only girlfriend of 3 years has given him the boot and he’s working a dead end job. Beyond despair, Sanford decides to ask his only living relative, Uncle Alistair, to take him in. Alistair is not very fond of his deadbeat nephew but with his failing health he needs someone around to carry on his work after he dies. Unfortunately for Sanford, Alistair’s work involves frequent murders to feed an evil clan of flesh eating ghouls that live in the woods surrounding his house. At first Sanford is terrified by these foul beasties, but then learns to lead them and actually train them after his Uncle passes. Now all those who cross him will suffer the wrath of his monstrous minions."

"They Must Eat" is a very low-budget, slightly comedic Tommy Brunswick movie which is reminiscent of "Willard" but with ghouls instead of rats.

It's definitely not the worst movie that I've ever seen, but it's one of those where it's sometimes more fun to look at the background than the foreground. Checking out what other people have in their houses or places of work in low-budget movies always satisfies a certain nosiness when things lag. Fortunately, the pace improves as the story progresses.

Apart from the gore, the highlight is a hot Jehovah's Witness played by Meshelle Melone (who has a bigger role in "Little Red Devil"). Look out for her nipple piercing!


Closet Space (2008)

"What happens when the quest for knowledge comes up against the insatiable hunger for flesh? Six grad students slowly and horrifically discover the answer as they search for their missing professor."

If you can make it through the irritating "found footage" during the titles, there's a kind of H.P. Lovecraft story struggling to be told in "Closet Space". Unfortunately, like all Lovecraftian horror, it's very boring. Stuart Gordon has nothing to worry about here!

As you might expect, the acting is inconsistent, the dialogue is cringeworthy, and the camerawork is mostly terrible. On the plus side, some of the effects are nicely done.


Dreams of the Dead (2007)

"For 15 years the large estate of Samuel Arnold has stood silent and empty. From its darkened windows, dark and foreboding eyes stare out from behind the glass. But like a midwinter’s breeze in the lonely hours of the night, something stirs in both dreams and reality, unable to find any peace. What is the mystery of Danbury House?"

Originally titled "The Haunting of Danbury House" and taglined as "An Erotic Haunting", this is merely an excuse to wrap up a couple of beautiful girls getting topless with a badly arranged mystery. Natasha Neilsen (from "Bikini Bloodbath") is my favourite, by the way.

Despite that, some of the acting is half-way decent, and it's filmed competently enough. What sets this apart from the other movies in the pack is the location. Although not to my taste, the house itself is outstanding if you like that Victorian sort of thing.

As a ghost story, "Dreams of the Dead" isn't scary or creepy in any way. Possibly the most horrific things are the songs performed by the lead and her band. One of them is apparently called "Lava Lamp of Love"! What the Hell?


Evil Offspring (2009)

"There is a definite balance to the forces of good and evil in the universe. The quiet backwoods town of Angel Falls is home to this great equalizer! Enter two unsuspecting lost souls trying to find their way back to the highway, and become stranded on an old farm. The owners, Pa and Nan are quite hospitable, to the right type of guests, but if you’re a sinner, you wind up on their chopping block and fed to the voracious creatures known as THE EVIL OFFSPRING."

Finally, we have a third film by Tommy Brunswick, but not a very good one. I have a feeling that Tommy just sent all her movies apart from "Mr. Jingles" off to R Squared for distribution and hoped for the best. I wouldn't be surprised to see more of her movies on other multipacks from this company although I haven't checked into it.

Suffice it to say that "Evil Offspring" is made up of the same ensemble cast as Tommy's other movies, homages several very famous horror movies (in particular, "The Evil Dead" at the start), but then turns into a mixture of exploitation and badly done torture porn. At least there's a proper monster in this one again, the practical effects are mostly okay, and it's moderately entertaining in places.

The acting really sucks, and the line delivery often proves to be more than anyone can handle, but "Evil Offspring" tries to have a clever (also unoriginal) twist at the end.


I really don't recommend "Extreme Monsters" to anyone who calls themselves a horror fan. None of the movies deliver any scares whatsoever, plus only half of them are actually about "monsters" unless you stretch that term very broadly.

I got my copy of "Extreme Monsters" from my local pawn shop, but if you're a bit silly and want one for yourself, you're going to have to search the drugstores such as RiteAid or order it from Amazon.

As far as I know, these "Cutting Edge Cinema" collections haven't shown up in places like Wal-mart's bargain bins yet although they are available from Wal-mart's online store from between $5 to $12.

I can't honestly remember where I last saw these packs in the flesh because it was so long ago, but I think they may have been in Kmart. Next time I go, I'll be able to confirm it because I bet there are plenty of them left. Kmart's online store has them listed for $9.99 each anyway.

The Horror Collector's Set Series (2009 - 2010)

Beginning in June 2009, although the artwork looked a bit dated and the second volume was a reissue from the "Horror Classics" series, Echo Bridge Home Entertainment provided some much needed budget horror packs with a $5 price which appealed to casual shoppers and horror movie collectors alike.

But, in September 2009, they started getting tricky with it. Note the way that "Salvage" has been replaced by "Wages of Sin" and its position on the coverart moved around to make another pack.

March 2010 was a busy month for Echo Bridge Home Entertainment as they released four new horror collector's sets. Note that "Skeleton Man" has been repeated from the first volume and has been joined by "Wages of Sin" from the previous one. The "Surf 'n' Turf" sea monsters and werewolves set is comprised of two existing double-features.

"Night of the Living Dead" from the second volume shows up again while "Nadja" makes an appearance in the spin-off "Vampire Collector's Set" (which Amazon backdates to September 2009).

Curiously, in a pack which Amazon dates to February 2010 but calls "Vol. 6" (it can't be both!), the remaining titles from volume one, "Prom Night" and "The Nurse", are now joined by "Descendant" and "The Dead One" in a restyled pack. "Mortuary" and "Memory" from the third volume are then added to create the first 6 pack.

The range of "Horror Collector's Sets" ended in June 2010 with a final burst of trickiness. Why Echo Bridge Home Entertainment thought that anyone would choose to buy "Skeleton Man" again instead of "Lost Souls" is mind-boggling.

Of course, we haven't heard the last of these titles anyway as Echo Bridge Home Entertainment reissued them again in the "Midnight Horror Collection".

These older multipacks are still available from most retailers including Amazon. If you would like to support this blog, you can buy them from "The Bloody Horror Store" (which is also Amazon) instead.

Ooga Booga (2013)

"Ooga Booga follows an innocent African-American boy who is brutally murdered by dirty cops, but his soul is magically transferred into an action figure named Ooga Booga. With his tribal spear and old girlfriend to help, he takes to the streets and trailer parks to find the men that ended his once bright future."

Having seen Ooga Booga's other appearances in "Doll Graveyard" (2005) and "Evil Bong" (2005), I was intrigued by what Charles Band had in store for us with a full length feature starring the puppet. I also wanted to see if Karen Black and Stacy Keach could still act since I haven't seen them in anything horror related for ages, but that's another story. It's been a long time since "Trilogy of Terror" (1975) or "Body Bags" (1993) which are, respectively, their most famous genre performances.

I know that I have a reputation for being all about the serious horror movies rather than the comedies, but before everyone jumps on the "You're a hypocrite!" bandwagon, I do watch other subgenres occasionally either by accident or just to see what's happening. I may be a hypocrite in some situations (like everyone else), but I'm not as bad as certain sycophantic "big name" websites or virtually deceased hillbilly podcasts. This isn't a popularity contest for me so if I choose to watch something silly rather than horror from time to time, that's my business which I'm now making yours for the sake of a blog post.

Anyway, with no idea what kind of entertainment I was going to derive from "Ooga Booga", I gave the Redbox kiosk my custom, made yet another pizza, and settled down for something a bit more uplifting than all the usual death... or so I thought. There's actually still a little bit of murder and bloodshed in "Ooga Booga".

Although the cynic in me is inclined to believe that the whole movie is a giant advertisment to sell replicas of the "Badass Dolls" because they're undeniably cool, "Ooga Booga" has a few genuinely funny moments in spite of itself. Unfortunately, the pacing is slow and the jokes are very far between.

Nobody does a particularly bad job, and the Ooga Booga doll is cute enough to steal the show in every scene even if he's only blinking, but everything feels sparse. The movie isn't short of racist insults, but many punches are pulled by the lack of real vehemence behind them which would make everything more offensive, controversial and memorable.

The main gag is, obviously, the homage to Karen Black's fight with a Zuni fetish doll in "Trilogy of Terror", but it doesn't have any impact even with the same actress in it. Making a parody out of something that was already unintentionally funny is a misplaced step too far in the "meta" direction, and it falls flat. The motivation of the Zuni fetish doll is completely different to Ooga Booga's revenge for one thing.

I must admit that I was expecting (and hoping for) "Ooga Booga" to be a lot more racist and un-politically correct than it turned out to be. While the racist epithets and imagery abound, the fun is really poked at the white stereotypes more than cashing-in on the "blaxploitation" angle. As such, I'm not really sure what to make of what I watched.

The bottom line is that "Ooga Booga" is neither pro-Black or pro-White even if the characters are one way or another. As a bit of cheap "filler" entertainment which lasts less than 90 minutes and only costs a dollar, there's nothing much to gain or lose from the experience.

You and I (2011)

"Two teenage girls, Janie who is American and Lana who is Russian, fall in love after meeting at a t.A.T.u concert and are swept into a dangerous world of obsession, drug abuse and murder."

Just a quick one for you since it more than meets the criteria for "Woeful Wednesday". "You and I", originally titled "Finding t.A.T.u." (and based on the novel "t.A.T.u. Come Back"), has to be one of the worst non-horror movies that I've ever had to endure.

I know there are pretty girls in it (especially Shantel VanSanten), and you get to see a bit of Russia, but that's not enough to make this borefest of lesbian romance any more interesting. Now I'm not surprised that it took almost 4 years to appear. I can't believe that I foolishly looked forward to seeing this back when I was a bit of a t.A.T.u. fan. God help me, I even made a skin for it on Flixster!

I think "Finding t.A.T.u." was actually made 5 years ago, but due to all sorts of legal/financial complications, it took until January 2011 to finally get released on DVD with a name change, and until now to show up in the bargain bins at Wal-mart. At $5, "You and I" is way overpriced for a Lionsgate DVD with no extras so don't think you've found gold if you are "lucky" enough to get a copy.

Ignore the IMDb description because "You and I" certainly doesn't contain any murder. There are lots of drug scenes, a drugs overdose, and some very softcore (yet mildly erotic) lesbianism, but there's a lot of comedy too which makes it a complete mess in terms of a sustained tone. Roland Joffé should be ashamed of himself for directing this tripe and, in fairness, probably is.

"You and I" is nicely filmed, but the story is just crap. All the things which you would reasonably predict happening to two very attractive yet selfish girls who can't get into a t.A.T.u. concert and are forced to wander around Moscow late at night simply don't happen. You would think that they'd both get brutally raped, killed or sold into white slavery (or something) to teach them a lesson, but unfortunately not. "Eastern Promises" already did that anyway, and this isn't the same kind of film at all.

At the heart of it, "You and I" is an adult "Cinderella" story with various clunky contrivances and annoying subplots thrown in just so that t.A.T.u. can sing their hit song at the end. Apart from the soundtrack, there's not even enough of t.A.T.u. in this to make it worthwhile, but as Lena and Yulia aren't actresses by any stretch of the imagination anyway, their cameos are nothing to get too upset about.

As I said, I waited a very long time to see this film and really wanted to enjoy it. Unfortunately, I just couldn't dumb myself down enough to like it.

A new challenge begins!

Yes, it's the first "Woeful Wednesday" of 2013, so it's time to start another crappy "indie horror" challenge over at "The Pit of the Pendulum".

This month (and a bit), I will be working my way through the companion box set to "Tomb of Terrors" which came in the "Bloody Nightmares" 100 movie pack: "Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares".

If you've never heard of any of the following titles, it's no big deal. Nobody else has ever heard of them either. This is all the amateur junk that's supposed to be so liberating for filmmakers and actors... although you'd be hard pressed to use either of those terms to describe anyone involved.

Before I Die The Bewitching Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank Burning Dead A Candle in the Dark Catholic Ghoulgirls The Crate The Crawlspace Dead 7 Dead Body Man Dead is Dead The Dead Live Demon Slaughter Dominion Edgar Allan Poe's Madhouse Goblin Goth Hell's Highway Hellbound: Book of the Dead High Desert Hip Hop Locos Hollywood Vampyr I Dream of Dracula I Hate You Invitation

Las Vegas Blood Bath Matthew Mayhem Motel Nightmare Asylum Off the Beaten Path Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City The River: Legend of La Llorona Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest Serial Killer The Shunned House Slasher Suburban Sasquatch The Summer of the Massacre Tales of Terror Terror Toons Thirteen This Darkness Toe Tags Up For Rent Vampire Hunter The Veil When Heaven Comes Down Wishbone The Witching Zombie Rampage

If you aren't into this crap, I'll still be reviewing movies on "Dr Blood's Video Vault". Keep checking-in because I'm all about the best horror movies here.

Woeful Wednesday - Update - 41 Horrible Movies!

I'm getting there! I've now watched 41 (soon to be 42) "indie horror movies" from the "Tomb of Terrors" 50 pack and reviewed them on "The Pit of the Pendulum".


If you haven't checked out my latest blog yet then head on over there and start following it because I still have 159 movies left to watch before I may lose the ability to tell a good film from a bad one ever again.

Watching this lot makes me appreciate real movies a whole lot more, I can tell you!

Abberdine County Conjuror Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires Blood Legend Capture the Flag The Crucifier The Cutting Room Death From Beyond Demon Sex Devil's Moon Disk Jockey Flesh Eating Ghouls from Outer Space From Venus Gorno Granny Human Behavior Inexchange Jim Haggerty's The Slasher Kill the Scream Queen Kill Them and Eat Them Lifeblood The Lunar Pack Massacre The Night Owl Nightmare Museum None Left Standing

Parasite Purvos Rape is a Circle Reanimator Academy Redneck County Fever Revenge of La Llorona Rose of Death Season in Hell Shadowhunters Shower of Blood Siege of Evil Skyggen Sleep Disorder So Mort It Be The Somnambulists Todd Sheets' Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death Soul of the Demon Strange Things Happen at Sundown Terror at Baxter U Three Can Keep a Secret To Become One The Traveler Unborn Sins The Vulture's Eye The Woodland Haunting 2

To all those mugs who like to argue the toss about how "innovative", "original" and "groundbreaking" these low-budget independent horror movies are, I laugh at you! Not with you, AT YOU!

Now you know why I never supported this crap in the first place. Even the 10c per "movie" that I paid for the $5 pack (as half of the $9.99 deal when "Bloody Nightmares" was released in 2008) is more than any of them are worth.

Vamps (2012)

"Two female vampires in modern-day New York City are faced with daunting romantic possibilities."

Given the new format of my blog, I didn't know whether to post this review yesterday for those people who are absolutely terrified of watching romantic comedies meant for middle-aged women or wait until today due to how miserable "Vamps" turned out to be. Obviously, I decided that "Woeful Wednesday" was the best choice.

I should have realised that something was very wrong with a movie that had a very limited theatrical release only a few days before becoming available on DVD and Blu-ray. Call me cynical, but it reeks of the distributor realising beforehand that "Vamps" was going to bomb in the cinemas.

"Vamps" is certainly not in the same league as "Clueless" (1995) in spite of its cast, but it isn't actually that bad if you don't have a sense of humour. I'm lucky that way because I watched it as a straight vampire movie and used it merely as a means to ogle Krysten Ritter. For "normal" people who want something to laugh at other than pop culture references, "Vamps" will probably be a disappointment.

The story itself isn't so much a comedy in the strict sense of the word as it is a semi-tragedy. While there are enough contrived scenes of merriment to appease the casual (and extremely dumb) viewer, the more you think about the macabre existence of the lead vampiresses, Goody (Alicia Silverstone) and Stacy (Krysten Ritter), the worse it becomes.

Like everything Amy Heckerling has written, the dialogue in "Vamps" is clever and witty. Unfortunately, it would be better coming from the mouths of a bunch of desperate, old satchel-asses in a TV series rather than in a movie about vampires. Make up your own mind about which TV series I'm referring to as I'm sure you can think of three or four others off the top of your head.

Unless you are of a certain age, you probably won't understand all the cynical swipes at teenagers, the internet, the "must have gadgets", or the sad message of "Vamps" that eventually you simply have to stop pretending to be young. I get them, and they are kind of depressing especially as I agree with them all. I also despise texters, smartphones, reality television stars, and 99% of the "Sex and the City"-inspired generation that I'm forced to endure daily. Kudos to Amy Heckerling for lampooning today's society even though she's a bit late on the bandwagon this time.

However, as I said, I really only watched "Vamps" to lust over Krysten Ritter. As much as I worship Alicia Silverstone like the crazy goddess she is, a vampiric Audrey Hepburn lookalike really does it for me. Although Alicia is good, Krysten steals the show in every scene they share. I'm not familiar with her work and have never seen her in anything else so presumably she's a known comedy actress. Based on how sexy she looks with fangs, I hope she does some hardcore horror movies in the future.

The other cast members are also culled from the TV comedy genre apart from Dan Stevens who plays Lord Arthur Holmwood in the 2006 TV version of "Dracula" (which I have yet to see), and the once "big name" actors such as Sigourney Weaver and Malcolm McDowell who appear to be slumming it. I can't say that any of them give a bad performance, but it's surprising to see them in something like this.

A precedent for vampire comedies starring actors who should know better goes way back to "The Fearless Vampire Killers" (1967) so "Vamps" isn't entirely out of place among such titles as "Love at First Bite" (1979), "Once Bitten" (1985), "Vampire's Kiss" (1989), "Love Bites" (1993), "Dracula: Dead and Loving It" (1995), and "Vampire in Brooklyn" (1995). I have no idea why anyone would think that vampires and comedy go together as none of these movies really have enough horror to be classed as true horror-comedies. None have enough comedy to be funny either.

"Vamps" does quite well with its plethora of amiable yet slightly odd characters despite them all being inconsistent and woefully underused. In several cases, they aren't much more than extended cameos which is a shame considering the heart that must have been put into creating them. Even in such a throwaway comedy, they deserve better.

Some of the computer effects are horrendous although I have to give credit where it's due for the make-up which is mostly excellent (and also a little bit silly looking on the older "Stem" vampires). Someone did a great job on Sigourney Weaver who doesn't look her age at all. Her Cisserus character is a mixed bag, but it hammers home an excellent jibe at certain TV show cougars.

I wish I had more to say about Alicia Silverstone, but she gets eclipsed by everything else which is going on including a whole world in the background which is more interesting. Basically, Goody isn't ditzy enough or a strong enough character to carry the film on her own. Lovely and talented as she is, Alicia also looks too old for the part. Not that she tries, but she can't get away with being Cher anymore. Lamentably, this is hardly another "Clueless".

With the best lines and scenes already given away in the trailer, I can't recommend that you rush to see "Vamps" if you expect it to contain any more of the same. I'm not saying that it's full of padding because there is more than enough material forced into this to make a decent 92 minute long feature. I just don't think it's put together in the best way possible, and it might have been better as a pilot for a TV series.