The Demented (2013)

"Six college friends unite for a weekend getaway where they find themselves fighting for their lives after a terrorist attack turns the local residents into rage infused zombies."

Gah! Another generic zombie movie which unfolds as a checklist of every formula, trope and cliché. Having said that, "The Demented" is put together more competently than most of these "Night of the Living Dead" and "28 Days Later" clones.

I'm not sure what the budget was for this movie, but apart from too many quick cuts during the action scenes, it looks quite professional. The locations are good, the pacing doesn't lag, the gore is realistic, and it even has some fairly decent acting in it. Unfortunately, there are no characters to care about unless you think any of them are hot. The pretty "teenagers" are as poorly defined as ever; the curse of trendy teen horror strikes again!

Everyone makes the same stupid decisions that you've seen a thousand times before although, in fairness, these are young Americans so what do you expect? There's hardly a brain cell among them considering that they are supposed to be "college students". I'd hazard a guess that they attend a community college rather than a University though, and they clearly haven't seen enough zombie films to know how to survive. How the latter could happen in a world saturated by zombie movies is anyone's guess.

One contrived scene where the black guy (yes, you know what is bound to happen to him!) swerves to avoid a little girl Rage-zombie after just running over an adult male Rage-zombie only a few minutes earlier is shark-jumping of the highest order. This same character also has no problem with using a baseball bat on an infected dog! Aw, but zombie kids are sacred. The ethical double-standards and levels of hypocrisy in this movie know no bounds!

I like pretty girls!

"The Demented" stars Kayla Ewell, Richard Kohnke, Ashlee Brian, Brittney Alger, Sarah Butler, and Michael Welch, but I have no idea who any of them are apart from the two girls in the picture above. Kayla Ewell is from "The Vampire Diaries" and Sarah Butler had the lead in the "I Spit on Your Grave" remake. It's safe to assume that everyone else is from TV shows.

As this is Christopher Roosevelt's directorial debut, I'm willing to let a few things slide and even admit that the "double-ending" of a dream followed by the more downbeat reality is a nice touch. It's not original, of course, but it's satisfying. Did I just spoil it? No, along with everything else, it's even in the trailer!

The bottom line is that "The Demented" is a rather entertaining but instantly forgettable "beer and pizza flick". You can play a good drinking game by taking a shot every time somebody refers to the rest of the group as "guys" too. Just be prepared to have your stomach pumped afterwards.

If you haven't seen any other running Rage-zombie movie EVER, you'll enjoy "The Demented". But what are the chances of that?

"The Demented" will be released on DVD and Blu-ray on July 30th, 2013.

The Legend of Lucy Keyes (2006)

So it was supposed to be a ghost story based on true events. It was also probably the most boring hour and a half of my life too in spite of writing this review at the same time. It's just not a horror film by any stretch of the imagination.

It took until an hour and 10 minutes in before the only interesting part of the story occurred which is the confession to the murder of Lucy Keyes. Up until then it was just like a boring "made for TV" movie with everyone having weird flashback dreams and shouting "Lucy, Lucy!" over and over again.

It was nice to see that Julie Delpy hasn't really aged much since "An American Werewolf in Paris" and that Brooke Adams has (and badly!) but neither of them can act anyway.

It was filmed well and probably makes all the Americans who know the legend quite pleased that it was committed to film even if in such an inept, unscary and completely unsatisfying manner.

It just didn't do anything for me except make me want to kick the telly in every time another character said the name "Lucy" especially in the last 10 minutes (plus the horrendous song over the end credits!). I am however thinking it could be useful for a "drinking game" for serious boozers. You'd die of alcohol poisoning though if you were to attempt more than a sip for every time you hear, "Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!"

So that's another 0 out of 10 from me. Leave it on shelf unless that you think that "An American Haunting" was a really good film too.

Cloverfield (2008)

I absolutely hated it. It's just "The Blair Witch Project" but in New York with monsters.

Not only was it yet another kiddie-rated PG-13 unscary monster film, but it sucked on all levels. The acting was pure Hollywood drama school stuff where everyone pauses and tries to convey as much emotion as possible with eyes and teeth before delivering a line, the dialogue was poor and as unrealistic as could be, and the camerawork was so bad that I imagine a lot of people would throw up in the movie theatres or suffer some kind of epileptic seizure from all the whirling and spinning.

It was 18 minutes of wedding party, 30 minutes of "Oh my god... oh my god... oh my god... oh my god... boom... bang... shriek... boom... oh my god... oh my god", and then the rest was all "Run... oh my god... shriek... boom.... rarrrr... boom... boom... shriek... bang... run... run... oh my god... rarrrrr... oh my god... oh my god.... oh my god... boom..."

I give it 1 out of 10 for the ability to con so many people into watching it. It's just another crappy motion-sickness-inducing-shakycam film with about 5 seconds of CGI monster in it. It's more overhyped and poorly executed rubbish!

I can see it being used for the "Oh my god" drinking game in future though. Alcoholics will love it!


OMG! The Blasphemous Cloverfield Drinking Game

Here are the timings so you can print them out and keep track.

18.14 "Oh my God"
18.18
18.30
18.40
19.43
19.56
20.28
20.40 "Oh my God, Oh my God" BONUS!
20.48
21.09
21.10
21.21
21.22
21.48
23.00
24.20
28.00
29.21
29.29
30.17 "Oh my God, Oh my God" BONUS!
30.43
35.19
36.24 "Oh my God, Oh my God" BONUS!
37.41
43.22
43.26
50.10
51.28
51.38
51.42
51.46
54.06 "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God" 4 in a row DOUBLE BONUS!!
55.40 "Jesus" (If he is your God - BONUS!)
56.23
56.53 "Jesus" (If he is your God - BONUS!)
56.54
56.55 "Oh my Gosh" PENALTY! Eat something!
57.28 "Jesus" (If he is your God - BONUS!)
59.13
59.25 "Oh my God, Oh my God" BONUS!
60.35
61.17
61.39
62.00
62.01
62.13
62.22
62.37
62.42
63.59
64.02
64.40
65.14
65.21
65.30
65.39
66.00 "Oh God, Oh God, Please God, Forgive Me" BONUS!
68.13 MONSTER CLOSE UP BONUS! Say "Oh My God" for him!
69.59
70.00

Extra drinking BONUS for spotting the "Blair Witch Project" line at 70.32 - "I'm so scared, I'm so sorry!"

There are 66 OMGs in "Cloverfield" yet when the monster appears full frame no one says it. The audience.is encouraged to say it because the character with the camera keeps saying, "Oh... oh.... oh...."


I think the whole film is a work of the Devil to get everyone to worship the Beast! :)

Revelation 13:1 “And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.”

Seriously, it has to be intentional! The devil is a master of chaos and confusion which is pretty much the subject and the style of the film too.

Just look at the timing for the "God forgive me!" line. 66 minutes in!!!

And clover? A four-leafed clover is a good luck charm, i.e. it's witchcraft. Anything "lucky" derives from the word "Lucifer" which is again equated with the Devil! We only see the monster's face at sunrise in the film. Lucifer is the "bearer of light". The monster is therefore the DEVIL!

We're all going to HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!