The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence (2015)

"Taking inspiration from The Human Centipede films, the warden of a notorious and troubled prison looks to create a 500-person human centipede as a solution to his problems."

Featuring extended cameos by Robert LaSardo (best known for playing Escobar Gallardo in "Nip/Tuck"), Eric Roberts (who clearly is not likely to be remembered for anything apart from being Julia Roberts' brother), and director Tom Six himself, this final entry in the now worn-out but once hilarious Human Centipede joke is undoubtedly on most people's "must see" list. Hell, it beats watching the dubious "Poltergeist" remake or the equally crappy-looking "We Are Still Here" this weekend, doesn't it?

Even more political incorrect (it kind of says so on the poster) than the previous installments, "The Human Centipede III" certainly does not disappoint. From the opening scene where Dieter Laser (playing the insane prison warden Bill Boss) fingers sexy Bree Olson (as Daisy, Bill Boss' beautiful personal assistant and sex toy) in front of Laurence Harvey (Dwight Butler now rather than Martin), you know that things can only get better. Or worse. It all depends on your point of view. Normal people will laugh at it, Right-wingers will laugh with it, and Lefties just shouldn't ever watch this movie without adult supervision because it will make them cry like the entitled little babies they are all over the internet forever and ever amen.

"You're a sadistic, vile, asshole!"

As a "meta" movie, "The Human Centipede III" often strays too far up its own arse (pun self-consciously intended) to actually be "in-joke" funny, but with decent production values (not unlike those of Full Moon) and a cast who know that they are supposed to be chewing the scenery (another pun there) as much as possible, it's quite amusing. Standouts are obviously the maniacal double-act of Dieter Laser and Laurence Harvey, but you know, that's exactly why they are in this movie in the first place.

Of course, it's all as predictable and as offensive as can be, but that's the point. There's racism, sexism, patriotism, and all the other "isms" that drive those irritating progressive-liberals batshit crazy. Plus there's more than one blatant attempt at injecting some damning condemnation of the American prison system into this satire. It doesn't entirely work (since everything about the justice system in America is constantly mocked by the rest of the civilised world), but Tom Six is a goddamned genius-troll with these things, and you just have to admire him for it. I wish he could direct an episode of "Orange is the New Black" in the same style.

Orange is the New Centipede.

As usual, I'm not going to give any major spoilers. This blog is only supposed to a free "guide" rather than a collection of moral essays after all. Another reason is that, hard as it may be to do so, "The Human Centipede III" is best viewed with as little prior knowledge as possible. There are a few gruesome shocks but much less gore than in its predecessors, and of course, things turn out very badly indeed for everyone involved. Highlighting every fart that goes to fair about how and why will absolutely ruin it for you.

Although never likely to be talked about as much as "The Human Centipede", nor quite as disturbing as "The Human Centipede II", "The Human Centipede III" is good wholesome family entertainment which should keep everyone amused on this Memorial Day (also known as just another barbecue day) weekend.

Highly recommended to Tom Six fans and sick fucks with a sense of humour everywhere.

Brazil (1985)

"A bureaucrat in a retro-future world tries to correct an administrative error and himself becomes an enemy of the state."

It's not often that I don't know what to say about a movie, but having watched "Brazil" for the very first (and second) time today as part of my Christmas movies selection, I don't know how to categorise it. I'm not even sure if I enjoyed it or not. I think I did in some ways, but I still wanted to hate it all the way through.

"Brazil" is a surreal, sci-fi fantasy set in an Orwellian future which annoys me almost as much as "1984" itself. I've been watching a few sci-fi movies on the side lately and, since I'm a natural pattern finder, all these dystopian futures are the same from one movie to another. There's always a big, bad government and some neo-noir style lead character who turns out to be the unprepared hero of the piece amidst a load of technology which makes absolutely no sense.

I'll eventually review them, but I've also rewatched "The Matrix" (1999) and "Dark City" (1998) this weekend for absolutely no good reason at all other than entertainment. I'm not sure if that's the purpose behind them, but I keep feeling that I've seen the same story over and over ever since "Metropolis" (1927). It makes me glad that I'm not a real sci-fi fan because the clones and lack of originality in that genre even outweigh the current problems with horror.

In some ways "Brazil" is also a horror movie. There's some nice gore and definitely a nightmarish atmosphere to the arty-farty nonsense which makes it suitable for a horror fan, but there's comedy too which really messes things up. If it wasn't for the slapstick and satire, I think I would rate "Brazil" as a great film rather than a turd trying to be cleverer than it is. As I said, I don't really know how to classify it or rate it properly because it's not in a style that I'm used to.

The funny thing is that I got caught up in the story even though the plot is as simple as they come with a predictable twist at the end which I thought was going to be an even bigger cop-out. I honestly expected it to be another "it was all a dream" movie or to go into "brain in a vat" territory. I hate those "we don't know what reality is" pseudo-philosphical stories especially as the whole concept is "meta" in the first place. If I'm willing to suspend my disbelief to watch a movie, I don't want any more layers of unreality to throw me right back out of it. That's where bullshit like "Inception" (2010) failed to impress me.

All I can say for sure about "Brazil" is that it has a great cast of some bigger names than I thought I'd ever see in the same movie, and it pretty much wastes the talents of every single one of them. I'm surprised that they ever worked again. Robert DeNiro? Well, he's never been that good anyway, but Bob Hoskins playing Mario before actually playing Mario is just plain weird.

Kim Greist, who plays Jill (the girl of Jonathan Pryce's character's dreams), looks a lot better in a wig even though she does nothing for me, but I could say that about any of the actors and actresses in this. They all look the part, but their characters' reactions to each other and their lack of depth ruins everything they do. It's impossible to care about any of them except in short bursts and then it's like they never existed. I swear it's possible to forget about everyone in the movie within seconds of hearing their last line.

"Brazil" is all style over substance at the end of the day and not very memorable except for the way it looks. I get that it's a satire or parody of some kind, but it's not funny. If it's a satire of the sci-fi genre itself, it's kind of insulting.

Sci-fi masochists everywhere who want to enjoy a combined brain-numbing and ass-numbing can now appreciate the new Criterion Blu-ray of the 142 minute long "fifth and final" director's cut which was released last week. Allegedly, it's better than the Universal version and my DVD version, but I'm sure that's like saying eating hot vomit is worse than eating cold vomit. I never want to watch "Brazil" again.