Terminator Genisys (2015)

"John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time to protect Sarah Connor, but when he arrives in 1984, nothing is as he expected it to be."

I watched "Terminator Genisys" on Friday afternoon, but I'm writing my critique during the small hours of a Sunday morning and will backdate it to Saturday night. Why? Because time travel, that's why. If any of that confuses you, you probably shouldn't watch this movie, but you can still consider my introductory sentence to be a segue into yet another half-arsed review of a PG-13 Summer sci-fi/action movie which I don't really care about.

Yes, to cut a very long and convoluted story short, "Terminator Genisys" is pretty bad apart from all the 3D gimmicks, big bangs, and explosive action scenes. Fans of "The Terminator" will not be disappointed because, let's face it, if you are a true fan of this genre of craptacular spectacle then nothing anybody says will (or should) prevent you from liking it if you want to. Moviegoers who are used to such subtle things as sympathetic characterisation or a narrative which makes any bloody sense whatsoever should look elsewhere for entertainment.

The nostalgia brigade will undoubtedly be marvelling at the CGI which makes Arnold young again and then be lamenting at how old he looks in reality. The line, "Old but not obsolete!" gets repeated a number of times to make all the infantalised middle-aged men who are watching a movie meant for children feel better about their hero and themselves. I picked up on it too and thought it was sad.

Terminator Genipiss in 3D! That's not gimmicky at all!

On the plus side, the recreation of scenes from previous Terminator movies (particularly the first one) seem spot-on to me without being able to physically compare them side-by-side. Apart from Arnie, the other actors are completely different, but as continuity has never been an important factor in the Terminator series, criticism of this aspect is redundant. "Terminator Genisys" still looks the part and feels like a real Terminator movie, and it's much better action-wise than "Terminator 2: Judgment Day". I'd rather rewatch "Trancers" or "Timecop" than that kiddified shit ever again.

The action scenes and all the clever CGI nonsense in "Terminator Genisys" are actually pretty great, and there's hardly any lag in what really only amounts to a "chase movie" overall. Among the numerous tropes, the "Which one is the real one?" gag also gets played out just to remind those of us of a certain age of how many times "The Six Million Dollar Man", "The Bionic Woman", and even "The Gemini Man" TV shows pulled the same thing back in the day. Lazy writing, clearly, but this is only another typical Summer cash-grab after all. "Iron-Man 3" was much worse, so bite me (to coin a phrase).

It's not worth trying to get your head around how the alternative timeline doesn't match up to anything already known, negates the majority of the other sequels, and won't ever provide an answer to the paradoxes about how and why John Connor can be conceived by a couple who are in the wrong time for him to reach the right age to be a leader in the future war with Cyberdyne or Skynet (or whatever the hell it is), but then again, maybe he's no longer meant to exist. I can't work it out, and I really don't care that much to try to. It's all a load of horseshit anyway.

One ironic quirk is that Matt Smith from "Doctor Who" turns up in a small but important role which made me almost chuckle. I absolutely loathe the "Doctor Who" episodes which he starred in (not only because I'm a David Tennant fan), and in my opinion, none of them make any sense either. It's not Matt Smith's fault but the writers, of course, yet it provides an unfortunate in-joke for those of us in agreement about the matter.

Nerdy computer users waiting for Microsoft's much anticipated Windows 10 on July 29th will also grin at how the Genisys operating system is worked into the storyline, but all I could think of was how "Genesis" is spelled wrong and has nothing to do with the Sega Megadrive. Didn't get the last part? It's a Brit thing, don't worry about it.

Yes, she gets nude again. No, you don't see anything.

Ultimately, the best thing which "Terminator Genisys" has going for it is the chance to see Daenerys Targaryen from "Game of Thrones" as a brunette. Emilia Clarke is a worthy new Sarah Connor in that she's much better than Linda Hamilton but not quite as strong as Lena Headey. Yes, I really liked "The Sarah Connor Chronicles", and I'm still pissed off that it was cancelled.

Emilia's acting abilities aside, she reminds me a lot of Danielle Harris from certain angles but much sexier. She kind of gets nude too, but you don't see anything because this is a PG-13. Boo! Mind you, I'm sure there'll be a porn parody. "Sperminator Genitalpiss" anyone?

But that's quite enough of that. You can watch "Terminator Genisys" in 3D or 2D theatrically if you want, or save your money for the Blu-ray or DVD later in the year. You won't miss anything important by waiting.

"Terminator Genisys" is a polished turd, but it's still a turd like every other theatrical release so far this year. It makes me glad that I'm not reviewing movies anymore.

Portrait of Jennie (1948)

"A mysterious girl inspires a struggling artist."

Just to prove that I don't hate all films from the 1940s, I rewatched "Portrait of Jennie" again to add a decent ghost story from that era to my "Hallowe'en Countdown". Although some people may argue that the story is more to do with time travel than ghosts, I'd say that it's possible to take this fantasy in just about any way you like.

The truth is, however, that if it is a ghost story then it isn't a scary one. It's a romance above all, but, unlike "The Uninvited" (1944), this doesn't go in for oodles of dated dialogue to create and solve a mystery that you don't even care about in the first place. You will care about the characters in this story and, probably, you'll have a ton of questions after watching it that there simply isn't any explanation for.

I first watched "Portrait of Jennie" one rainy Saturday afternoon when I was about 10 or 11 years old and BBC2 used to have such films showing as a matinee. Since I hated "World of Sport" and "Grandstand" with a passion, I used to switch over to BBC2 as soon as "Swap Shop" or "Saturday Superstore" ended (I never could stand the screaming and shouting on ITV's kids' shows either) and watch the movies until it was time for the wrestling to start back on ITV.

Back in those days of only three TV channels, I watched all sorts of films which entertained me but I considered quite throwaway such as Cary Grant comedies or horribly boring Bogart detective capers. For something to come along like "Portrait of Jennie" was quite a treat especially as it had enough ghost story elements to it to draw me in immediately. As you probably know, I was into anything supernatural at quite an early age and it didn't matter at all to me that "Portrait of Jennie" was a "girls' film" at all. Hell, I even used to read "Misty" which was a supernatural comic for girls along with my weekly "2000 A.D.".

But I digressed. What I liked (and still like) about "Portrait of Jennie" was that it was something completely different to the usual matinee films on offer. This beautifully shot film had class to it which even my as yet completely undiscerning mind could recognise.

I had no idea who Jennifer Jones or Joseph Cotton were and, to be honest, I still have very little knowledge about them now although I know that the latter was in a few horror genre films in the 1970s which weren't very good. In "Portrait of Jennie" you can't fault their acting even though both were really too old for their parts but, as it seemed to be the rule to pair an older actor with a younger actress in these things, I never even noticed until now just how ill-matched they actually were both to each other and their roles. Even then it's simply nit-picking for the sake of it as there's nothing wrong with their performances at all.

Joseph Cotton really looks his age in this but Jennifer Jones, through various pieces of trickery and an obvious height difference, actually appears to age a few years each time she appears which really is very clever indeed. She still doesn't quite reach an acceptable age where you could class Joseph Cotton's character as anything more than a dirty old man from a modern perspective but nobody thought like that in the 1940s especially as the war probably wiped out most eligible bachelors of the right age in real life. Society was different and age gaps of twenty years or so in relationships weren't considered as dubious as they are today. Even so, the fact that Jennie starts off as a schoolgirl is still a bit suspicious.

The story really is about how love can transcend time and space which apparently was a big thing in literary circles. "Portrait of Jennie" was based on a novella by Robert Nathan which I have never actually read but Wikipedia says is a "modern masterpiece of fantasy fiction".

Later on, "Somewhere in Time" (1980) used a similar plot and was probably the best thing that Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour ever starred in. I like that film as well which is strange considering that I am a hardcore horror fan at heart.

I'm not going to give any plot spoilers about "Portrait of Jennie" as it's a movie which I recommend that you all watch as cold as possible. There are several technical surprises especially during the last ten minutes which I will just say won't surprise anyone who has seen "The Picture of Dorian Gray" (1945) but I'll leave it at that.

If you like movies such as "The Sixth Sense" (1999) then "Portrait of Jennie" is definitely a precursor to it while, at the same time, being actually really nothing like it at all.