Three in a row for the first day of October 2016

Here we go again. It's going to be another October where horror reviewers fall over themselves to watch as many movies as they can, and nobody will read their blogs because they are all too busy writing their own.

I usually take a break from blogging around this time every year because Americans yawping on about the Hallowe'en non-holiday get right on my tits, but owing to the fact that I've hardly watched anything new at this point, I may as well join in the circle jerk.

I'm not sure whether to label these three movies as horror or thrillers, but I watched them and moatly enjoyed them. You might like them too.


Hush (2016)



"A deaf writer who retreated into the woods to live a solitary life must fight for her life in silence when a masked killer appears at her window."

A bit of an updated version of "Wait Until Dark", "Mute Witness", "Blink", "Blind Terror", "Julia's Eyes", and a plethora of others where an attractive but disabled woman gets menaced in her own home.

There's a cat in it named "Bitch" who survives, so that's a point in its favour, but the Apple product placement is blatant for those of us who notice such things.

Nothing new here, and one scene apes "The Collector", but it's a nicely done home invasion movie. I believe that Blumhouse produced it (which usually is the kiss of death) and Netflix are distributing it.


The Good Neighbor (2016)



"A pair of mischievous high school kids create the illusion of a haunting on an unsuspecting neighbor. While keeping his every reaction under surveillance, they see much more than they bargained for."

As much as I hate writng "neighbour" in the misspelled American way, this is an American film, so I'll leave it alone.

Not much to say about this other than the leads are pretty good, the twist is unexpected, and the story managed to keep my attention until the end. In some ways it reminds me of "Killer Net" (1998) at the beginning, but the story soon heads in a very different direction.

Another cat has an important part to play in the denouement. How interesting.


Don't Breathe (2016)



"Hoping to walk away with a massive fortune, a trio of thieves break into the house of a blind man who isn't as helpless as he seems."

If you've already watched the previous two movies, there really is nothing original in this one. It's yet another home invasion featuring a disabled "victim" with a secret. No cat this time though.

Out of the the three, this is easily the weakest, not least because of its setting, obvious SJW panderings, and the huge mistake of trying to make anyone feel sorry for the thieves. Personally, I wanted all of them to die.

A lot of younger movie enthusiasts think this is good, and if you haven't seen anything like it before, I suppose it's okay.


Hopefully, I'll have something much better for you tomorrow.

Dracula (1958)

(AKA Horror of Dracula)



"After Jonathan Harker attacks Dracula at his castle (apparently somewhere in Germany), the vampire travels to a nearby city, where he preys on the family of Harker's fiancée. The only one who may be able to protect them is Dr. van Helsing, Harker's friend and fellow-student of vampires, who is determined to destroy Dracula, whatever the cost."

The final entry in my "Hallowe'en Countdown" is Hammer's version of "Dracula" from 1958. It may not be all that horrific for a modern audience but you can't have Hallowe'en without Dracula and this is the version that I grew up with.

I was, am, and always will be a fan of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing no matter how bad the later films were that either of them got themselves into. Neither ever gave a bad performance and they took their roles completely seriously in spite of how ludicrous the subject matter was.

Hammer's "Dracula" is still the quintessential vampire film for all lovers of the genre. It may not be strictly accurate to the book (but then again, what Hammer film is?), but it's certainly the most enjoyable and watchable version ever made.

A great atmosphere, Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing fighting it out, beautiful actresses, rubber bats on wires, and all done on a budget which wouldn't even pay for Keanu Reeves' voice coach in a more modern production.

This is what horror movies were all about when I was young and you couldn't even call yourself a horror fan back then without having watched all the Hammer and Amicus films first.

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about "Dracula" except that, even though it was shown on the BBC nearly every year, it took far too long to become available to a British audience on VHS.

Now it's available just about everywhere on DVD, go on and spoil yourself.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

"A large Halloween mask-making company has plans to kill millions of American children with something sinister hidden in Halloween masks."

I finally got round to rewatching one of my favourite Hallowe'en movies of all time, "Halloween III: Season of the Witch". It's taken a while because I remember nearly every scene of the film so clearly that it's hard to forget enough of it to ever watch it from a fresh perspective again.

Of course, this time I was on a mission to totally blow Ebert's "review" (such as it is) out of the water especially as "Halloween III" is on his "most hated" list but, since I couldn't care less what that old dinosaur has to say about anything, I soon just relaxed and enjoyed the film for what it was instead.

Without spoiling too much for you, here are a few things I noticed which make this one of the best Hallowe'en movies of all time. I'll write them as a list since I haven't done one of those for ages either.

1. Stacey Nelkin. She was simply one of the cutest and sexiest actresses of the '80s. Even though her "sex scene" with Tom Atkins was a little bit vile, the contrast with how flawless she looked and his craggy old ass (which you get to see in all its glory) was perfect. She could actually act too.

2. Dan O'Herlihy. He really was Irish as Conal Cochran and, although most people will remember him as the "The Old Man" from "Robocop" (1987), he was a very fine actor indeed with a huge body of work behind him. His performance in "Halloween II" was as subtly sinister as it could possibly be and he absolutely owned this film by stealing every scene that he was in.

3. Tom Atkins. What can I possibly say about this guy that you don't already know? Well, in spite of his looks, he came across as a genuinely civilised and heroic character. He was much better here than in another favourite film of mine, "The Fog" (1982), although it took another four years for him to truly shine in "Night of the Creeps" (1986).

4. The Silver Shamrock theme. Yes, it's just "London Bridge is Falling Down" with new words and it's annoying as can be but it's still the most famous Hallowe'en jingle ever.

5. The plot. Killing all the children as a massive sacrifice for Samhain was an inspired idea and one that I, as somebody who can't stand children in the first place, could totally get behind. Of course there were a couple of plotholes but what do you expect? It's a horror film and every horror film ever made has plotholes.

6. Robots. Why does everybody hate the organic robots in this film? If you can believe that a mask containing a speck of Stonehenge can turn an annoying kid into a pool of bugs and snakes then it isn't much more of a stretch to imagine Conal Cochran's black magic being able to create goop-filled likenesses of human beings as well.

7. No Michael Myers. Actually that's not true there was a brief flash of him near the beginning. "Halloween" got played on TV in the film too but it was actually quite refreshing to not have a stupid slasher movie for Hallowe'en and have something more fittingly supernatural instead. I wish that the trend had continued and Michael Myers had never returned for the rest of the "Halloween" franchise.

8. Camerawork. It was all shot beautifully with no annoying shakycams and so few continuity errors that I didn't even notice them.

9. Teddy. The sexy, ginger, female doctor played by Wendy Wessberg really did it for me. I wish that there had been a lot more to her role.

10. Cats. There were two cats in the film neither of which were used for jump scares and no harm came to them. I think that was great.

I could go on by listing things but you can look up a ton of cross references to how "Halloween III" was designed to fit into the series perfectly well on your own. Jamie Lee Curtis as the curfew announcer was one that I never realised before and, obviously, Nancy Loomis and Dick Warlock were both in "Halloween II".

Another piece of trivia which I've only recently picked up is that Sierra Madre, which is the real name of Santa Mira, was also the setting for the original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956). What's not to love about "Halloween III"?

"Halloween III" was and still is an exciting and inventively gory "B movie" horror which most people only hate because it doesn't fit in with the rest of the Michael Myers stories. If "Halloween" had been taken out of the title, nobody would have been complaining at all but, as my South African friends say, you can't educate pork.

Do I even have to tell you that "Halloween III" is staying in my "Video Vault" as one of the best horror films ever made? No, I thought not. Just clear your mind of prejudices and give it another try. You'll probably be very surprised at how much you actually enjoy it.

I bought that for a dollar - part 8

What is it? It's a USB pumpkin lantern for Hallowe'en, of course.

Although the picture isn't actually of the one which I bought from Big Lots for $1 last year (due to not having any batteries in my camera at this present time), it's exactly the same. You can now buy these all over the place although I suggest eBay especially as you can now get bigger ones which change colour.

It's a kind of pointless decoration as the light isn't very strong in it and it takes up a USB socket which could be better used for something else, but if you work in an office where you aren't allowed to really decorate then it's something you can probably get away with.

Preparing my Hallowe'en snacking - part 4

I wish I could claim the Chicken Ringstinger recipe as my own, but it was actually created by Tim Dilks for his "Curry Monster" website back in the '90s. His website (which now appears to be gone) was featured on The Computer Channel's programme called "Chips with Everything" (a satellite TV show which was actually about computers not food).

Fortunately, this recipe is still floating around on the internet. The only changes I make to it are adding half a bottle of Dave's Insanity rather than Tabasco (which I find too vinegary), and I drink whatever brand of cola is available if I get thirsty because I don't like the taste (or lack of it) of water. It also works well with nan bread which you can now buy just about anywhere.

This is my ultimate Hallowe'en horror movie snack, but I take no responsibility whatsoever if you are silly enough to try it without building yourself up to it first.

Everything which follows the picture is Tim Dilk's original text which I have not altered.

Chicken Ringstinger

A dish originating from just south of the North Circular, London. This dish is loved by all, but I'll take no responsibility if you're a bit too much of a big jessy and you end up on the toilet for days on end after eating it!

Serves 1-4

Ingredients:
2 lbs Chicken
6 Medium Onions, chopped
4 Cloves Garlic, chopped
8 tblspn Ghee or Vegetable Oil
2 Pints of water
24 fresh Habaneros Chillis, chopped
30 dried red chillies, crushed
2 tspn Red food colouring

Spices:
2 tsp ground turmeric
2 tsp ground cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
5 tsp ground hot chilli powder
1 tsp dried fenugreek leaves
A couple of capsicum pods

Optional (for the clinically insane only):
¼ bottle of tabasco sauce (try eating a teaspoon neat!)
¼ bottle Encona West Indian Hot Pepper sauce (mmm)

Mandatory:
12 large jugs iced water
15 rolls of Kleenex
1 week off work
1 ambulance

Method:
1. Fry the chicken, onions, garlic in some of the oil. Put all the spices in a bowl with a bit of water and mix to a paste. Fry this paste in a second pan for 10 minutes in some of the oil. Now combine all ingredients in a large vat or saucepan and simmer for 1-2 hours.
2. Add 3 tablespoons chilli powder and some more dried red chillies towards the end. Add a teaspoon Garam Masala 5 minutes before serving.
3. Leave to cool for 2 minutes before serving.
4. Serve on a bed of rice, followed by a bed in hospital.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

"In 1988, young sisters Katie and Kristi befriend an invisible entity who resides in their home."

Obviously, since I can't even bring myself to review the first "Paranormal Activity" (2007) and my "review" of "Paranormal Activity 2" (2010) is more a serious of spoilers than anything else, you can already guess that if I had anything better to write about, I wouldn't be reviewing this one either.

As much as I like paranormal horror films more than any other, none of these cheap looking "found footage" ripoffs of "The Amityville Horror" have done anything for me. I don't find them scary and, for the most part, I don't even think of them as being real films.

Even though I didn't think it could be possible, "Paranormal Activity 3" is by far the weakest in the series. It's so bad that it actually makes the second one look good especially after revisiting it on Netflix, but don't take that as an endorsement. They are all crap.

One of the things which really bugs me about the "Paranormal Activity" series is that I don't really know anything about anyone involved in them. The directors and writers seem to keep appearing out of nowhere with no obvious past achievements and, based on the quality of the films themselves, they don't deserve to go any further either.

Another thing is how contrived everything is to include parts of the story which there is no good reason for anybody to be filming. In "Paranormal Activity 2", the switch to a handheld camera with nightvision was forced in due to the power going off. In "Paranormal Activity 3", there isn't even that much respect given to the audience.

But enough of the general bitching. "Paranormal Activity 3" is pretty much identical to the last one except that it is supposed to be set in 1988 and be filmed on VHS tapes which it clearly isn't. If the premise had been that the found footage had been filmed on Betamax then there may have been less criticism of the way the film looks since Beta was a higher quality than VHS, but even then, this is high-definition digital camerawork with no attempt to disguise it.

Another problem which everybody is moaning about is that two-thirds of the scenes in the trailer aren't even in the film itself. It doesn't matter to me since I barely look at the trailers anyway but it's a simple "bait and switch" gimmick which eventually is going to get somebody into a lot of trouble if the trend continues. The same thing happened with "Paranormal Activity 2" and "Piranha 3D" (2010) but to a much lesser extent. False advertising is still false advertising no matter how trivial it may be.

The thing which really kills "Paranormal Activity 3" though is that it's boring as shit. Katie Featherston only appears briefly so fans of her big boobies will be disappointed, and since this is another prequel—which I admit is a novel approach to doing things—it's all about childhood versions of Katie and Kristi. The adults in the film have more screen time than the kids, but even so, you have to have exceptionally good child actors to pull something like that off, and the two girls in this just aren't.

The effects are really lacklustre this time. There's a bedsheet ghost which is a bit stupid, some excessively loud bangs which hurt my delicate little ears, and what I can only describe as a "Falcon Blast" (after seeing it in a YouTube parody of whichever computer game it comes from) which was used near the end of "Paranormal Activity 2" as well (depending on which version you saw).

The box office results are already showing that "Paranormal Activity 3" has made so much money ($54,000,000 from the opening weekend) that there will undoubtedly be another one next year. Impressive as that may be to some people, I think they should quit while they are ahead as, presumably, "Paranormal Activity 4" will have to be shot on high-definition Super 8 cine film if they are going to keep doing prequels.

I highly recommend that you do not waste your money going to see this film and save it for "The Awakening" (2011) should it ever get a theatrical release.

Preparing my Hallowe'en snacking - part 3

It just wouldn't be Hallowe'en (or cold season) without my favourite soup.

Grace's Cock Flavoured Soup - which, amusingly, always comes up on the till receipt as "Crock Soup" due to either a typo or intentional puritanism.

Only 69c from Wegmans

It's full of all the good ingredients you would expect (including MSG) but it's hotter than Satan's willy if you aren't used to spicy stuff. Although it already has some noodles in it, adding a packet of Ramen Noodles to it obviously makes it much more substantial.

Don't worry, Suzi isn't getting any. It's much too spicy for cats!

Wake the Witch (2010)

"One hundred years ago, an angry mob, intent on justice for their murdered children, hang the woman they believe is the murderer. They brand her a witch, wrap her body in chains and bury it deep in the woods. Flash forward to the present - when Deb and her friends play a childhood game on the witch's wooded grave, they open the door to death. As her friends and family begin to change into something less than human, Deb struggles to stop the witch's curse. But her search for the truth will reveal an evil beyond her imagination." (from IMDb)

As you can tell from the trailer, this low-budget nastiness isn't really worth anybody's time but I watched most of it just to have another "witch" film among this month's selection.

I didn't make it to the end of the film and it took me three nights of watching it in instalments to even get as far as I did before I gave up entirely. "Wake the Witch" was simply one of the worst low-budget abominations that I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that to be mean. At nearly two hours long, the only credit I can give it is that they obviously put more time into the story than it was worth.

The acting was non-existent and the three lead girls can only be described as Plain, Plainer and Plainest simply because they were. None of them stood out, all were irritating, and calling them "actresses" would be stretching things a little bit too far.

Rubbish like this makes me hate Netflix. Nobody in their right mind has the patience for amateur crap like this, least of all me, and they shouldn't even have it on the "Watch Instantly" stream.

Lightning Bug (2004)

"A drama/thriller, set in the South, about a young boy who longs to escape the misery of his childhood and the misunderstanding of his hometown. A gifted, self-taught, special effects make-up artist, Green dreams of going to Hollywood to make his own monsters."

I found this on Netflix (although it's also available to watch legally for free on YouTube and the IMDb). Apparently, it's Robert "Laid to Rest" Hall's semi-autobiography with a few dramatic changes.

Since it's all set around Hallowe'en and has a considerable amount of horror content without actually being a horror film itself, I'm including it in my "Hallowe'en Countdown".

Either I'm getting soft (or burnt out with horror), but I really enjoyed "Lightning Bug". It reminded me of a lot of other coming-of-age dramas but the horror fan angle made it appeal to me far more than I expect it would to a more mainstream movie watcher.

Having also thoroughly enjoyed another beautiful coming-of-age drama last weekend, "Malèna" (2000), which everyone else seems to hate, I'm starting to wonder if it's time for me to give up blogging about movies entirely. The amount of arguments I get into on a daily basis make me feel like doing a Barry Norman and walking away from all this bullshit (especially when there are some sycophantic sites out there with almost as many followers as me who remind me of used car salesmen rather than movie reviewers). It's not that I'll ever hate watching movies but I hate those people with shitty taste quite passionately. I've been feeling that I'm casting my pearls before swine for quite a while now.

Talking of swine, there's an excellent scene with a pig in "Lightning Bug" which worked really well. Other than that, it was all fantastic acting even from Ashley Laurence who I didn't realise could actually act, and a great story which was totally satisfying in a rather tragic way.

Lake Mungo (2008)

"When a series of inexplicable supernatural events strikes their home, Russell (David Pledger) and June (Rosie Traynor) Palmer try to figure out exactly what is behind the tragic drowning death of Alice (Talia Zucker), their 16-year-old daughter."

Having seen quite a few people recommending "Lake Mungo" on Reddit over the last couple of weeks, I thought I'd better have a look at it myself before it got removed from Netflix even though I knew I was going to be disappointed.

Mockumentaries are a difficult thing to pull off as they either have to be done so well that you think that they are real documentaries or so ridiculously that they become parodies. "Lake Mungo", in spite of its amusing name, went for the straight approach but still lost me within the first twenty minutes. If it had been a comedy though, it would have lost me a lot sooner than that.

I didn't find it scary and it had the stilted timing of the BBC's "Ghostwatch" (1992) about it which made it feel even faker than it already was. It didn't fool me for a second, but if it was shown on regular TV and you accidentally flicked onto it, you might be sucked in a bit more.

The biggest problem for me was that the main characters were too calm and composed considering that they were supposed to be a grief stricken family. The acting wasn't completely awful, but I found it odd that there just wasn't a lot of emotion to it. Although the Australian uptalking occasionally made statements sound like questions, the performances bordered on being flat and bland.

There were more than a couple of genuinely creepy moments which were a lot better than either of the "Paranormal Activity" films, and the dead girl played by Talia Zucker from "Neighbours" (not that I'd admit to watching that anymore) was very attractive.

The slight twist in the middle with Alice's brother (Martin Sharpe) admitting to having set up some additional fakery almost led me to a completely different conclusion than what was apparently intended, and I couldn't let that idea go in spite of the further revelations which followed. I'm still not entirely sure about why Alice died, if it was murder or suicide, or who was involved even after watching the film twice over.

I'll give "Lake Mungo" credit for being quite a neat idea, but this is one of those times when I think that the rumoured remake could actually turn out to be better.

Portrait of Jennie (1948)

"A mysterious girl inspires a struggling artist."

Just to prove that I don't hate all films from the 1940s, I rewatched "Portrait of Jennie" again to add a decent ghost story from that era to my "Hallowe'en Countdown". Although some people may argue that the story is more to do with time travel than ghosts, I'd say that it's possible to take this fantasy in just about any way you like.

The truth is, however, that if it is a ghost story then it isn't a scary one. It's a romance above all, but, unlike "The Uninvited" (1944), this doesn't go in for oodles of dated dialogue to create and solve a mystery that you don't even care about in the first place. You will care about the characters in this story and, probably, you'll have a ton of questions after watching it that there simply isn't any explanation for.

I first watched "Portrait of Jennie" one rainy Saturday afternoon when I was about 10 or 11 years old and BBC2 used to have such films showing as a matinee. Since I hated "World of Sport" and "Grandstand" with a passion, I used to switch over to BBC2 as soon as "Swap Shop" or "Saturday Superstore" ended (I never could stand the screaming and shouting on ITV's kids' shows either) and watch the movies until it was time for the wrestling to start back on ITV.

Back in those days of only three TV channels, I watched all sorts of films which entertained me but I considered quite throwaway such as Cary Grant comedies or horribly boring Bogart detective capers. For something to come along like "Portrait of Jennie" was quite a treat especially as it had enough ghost story elements to it to draw me in immediately. As you probably know, I was into anything supernatural at quite an early age and it didn't matter at all to me that "Portrait of Jennie" was a "girls' film" at all. Hell, I even used to read "Misty" which was a supernatural comic for girls along with my weekly "2000 A.D.".

But I digressed. What I liked (and still like) about "Portrait of Jennie" was that it was something completely different to the usual matinee films on offer. This beautifully shot film had class to it which even my as yet completely undiscerning mind could recognise.

I had no idea who Jennifer Jones or Joseph Cotton were and, to be honest, I still have very little knowledge about them now although I know that the latter was in a few horror genre films in the 1970s which weren't very good. In "Portrait of Jennie" you can't fault their acting even though both were really too old for their parts but, as it seemed to be the rule to pair an older actor with a younger actress in these things, I never even noticed until now just how ill-matched they actually were both to each other and their roles. Even then it's simply nit-picking for the sake of it as there's nothing wrong with their performances at all.

Joseph Cotton really looks his age in this but Jennifer Jones, through various pieces of trickery and an obvious height difference, actually appears to age a few years each time she appears which really is very clever indeed. She still doesn't quite reach an acceptable age where you could class Joseph Cotton's character as anything more than a dirty old man from a modern perspective but nobody thought like that in the 1940s especially as the war probably wiped out most eligible bachelors of the right age in real life. Society was different and age gaps of twenty years or so in relationships weren't considered as dubious as they are today. Even so, the fact that Jennie starts off as a schoolgirl is still a bit suspicious.

The story really is about how love can transcend time and space which apparently was a big thing in literary circles. "Portrait of Jennie" was based on a novella by Robert Nathan which I have never actually read but Wikipedia says is a "modern masterpiece of fantasy fiction".

Later on, "Somewhere in Time" (1980) used a similar plot and was probably the best thing that Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour ever starred in. I like that film as well which is strange considering that I am a hardcore horror fan at heart.

I'm not going to give any plot spoilers about "Portrait of Jennie" as it's a movie which I recommend that you all watch as cold as possible. There are several technical surprises especially during the last ten minutes which I will just say won't surprise anyone who has seen "The Picture of Dorian Gray" (1945) but I'll leave it at that.

If you like movies such as "The Sixth Sense" (1999) then "Portrait of Jennie" is definitely a precursor to it while, at the same time, being actually really nothing like it at all.

The Uninvited (1944)

"A composer and his sister discover that the reason they are able to purchase a beautiful gothic seacoast mansion very cheaply is the house's unsavoury past."

I'm finally back to working on my "Hallowe'en Countdown" with another ghostie film which I'd never seen before. I'd never seen "The Uninvited" available as a DVD (not even a bootleg) or even a VHS tape and if it was ever shown on British TV then I simply must have missed it.

Luckily, TCM had a marathon of classic black and white horror movies on Monday night through to Tuesday morning and "The Uninvited" was one of them. Although it meant suffering through the irritatingly repeated poem of "The Wolf Man" (1941) beforehand, I missed most of that awful Universal dreck due to not knowing that TCM was on channel 63 on my cable box and having to surf for it.

Anyway, I finally got to see "The Uninvited" which a lot of horror movie review sites say was Hollywood's first attempt at a "serious ghost story". Well, it was and it wasn't especially since, aside from its Paramount Studios locations which are supposed to be Cornwall, it's very British. I'd call it more of a creepy romance with Ray Milland trying to be funny and failing than anything else.

There were quite a few bizarre relationships in "The Uninvited" which were actually a lot more interesting than the ghost story itself. Ray Milland's character and his sister immediately suggested incest to me (viewing it from a 21st century perspective), and I'm sure that he was supposed to be a middle-aged man who was trying to pick-up a naive girl half his age to boot. If this was purely artifice to allow the characters some romantic mobility then it was done badly.

The facts that the original owner of the house had been having an affair and his wife was certainly the object of a lesbian crush (if not more) stood out inarguably even if I may have been making more out of the other relationships than a 1940s audience would. Older men who live with their sisters while courting young girls wasn't quite so weird back then, I suppose.

You would think that even the laziest writer would still have mirrored the past with the present. For Ray Milland to not play a married man having an affair was a wasted opportunity which countless ghost stories since have reworked (right up to this year's "American Horror Story" on TV). Thus, for me, the story itself wasn't neat enough. It was a mess which meandered from one thing to another with far too much spoken exposition.

The reasons for the haunting were already predictable so the back stories became tedious rather than mysterious and the final "exorcism" of the ghosts turned out to be anticlimactic to say the least.

"The Uninvited" may have been an attempt at a serious ghost story but it wasn't a very good one. A lot of the formulas for future ghost stories, including getting a house for a lot less than its real value, animals being used to show that there is something very wrong there, and the "Cassandra truth" trope (and its reverse) being used ad nauseum, were laid down here so I have to give it credit for originality but that is all.

It wasn't a scary film. There was no real air of menace about the haunting and no tension. Although some of the effects were good for the time, unfortunately, Ray Milland completely ruined the atmosphere of the whole thing by being far too jocular and by mimicking the Irish housekeeper's accent at every opportunity.

I'm rating "The Uninvited" as just average. If you haven't ever seen it then you haven't missed anything important.

TCM are showing it again on Sunday, October 30th, at 9.15am.

Borderland (2007)

"On a trip to a Mexican border town, three college friends stumble upon a human-sacrifice cult."

Loosely based on a case which occurred in Mexico in 1989 where a satanic cult called "narcosatanicos" killed at least 20 people, "Borderland" actually turned out to be little more than a clone of "Hostel" (2005) and "Turistas" (2006). So now you have another country which you know never to visit.

It's not a bad story and, considering it was one of the "After Dark Horrorfest" films, it's actually very well made. I wasn't too keen on the look of it to begin with as it went the clichéd route of using lots of browns but I found myself getting drawn in by the characters who weren't such complete assholes as you'd usually find in something of this nature.

Of course, the biggest attraction for me was Martha Higareda who played Valeria. There wasn't much else to look at since it was a mostly male film with three pretty boy TV actors, one a bit rougher round the edges than the others, and a load of sinister Mexicans. Sean Astin was in it as one of the bad guys but I couldn't tell if he was acting or not.

The torture and gore scenes were some of the most evil which I've ever seen, not because of the effects per se, but just in the mean-spirited way that they carried out. These were probably the sickest bunch of satanists that I've seen portrayed on film to date.

Although it was all rather slow, the only place "Borderland" really fell down was towards the end when it just got messy and didn't follow the normal formula for doing things. The dynamic changed in a very extreme way and the last fifteen minutes or so felt like a whole new film had been tacked on.

The ending itself was very unsatisfying as it ran out of steam and used title cards to say what happened afterwards rather than neatly tying up all the loose ends within the action itself.

Overall, I enjoyed it but it was just another slightly below average "torture porn" with different actors and locations.

Preparing my Hallowe'en snacking - part 2

Since I'm always on the lookout for new things to eat while trying to concentrate on whichever pointless victim is having their insides torn out on the screen in front of me, I happened across these yesterday.

Yummy Earth Organic Hot Chili Pops, in spite of the nauseatingly childish name, are very good although certainly not "The BEST Lollipop I've ever tasted" unlike the quotation from someone I've never heard of on the bag.

$1.99 from HomeGoods

They come in two flavours, Chili Lime Lambada and Chili Mango Mambo, but you won't be able to tell much difference after sucking on two or three of them as, if you are truly lame, your mouth may be on fire. They do really taste of lime and mango though.

Since I cannot abide people who don't like hot food, and detest children even more so, you can only begin to imagine the gleefulness which will fill my very soul when I put some of these bad boys out for unsuspecting "Trick or Treaters".

The Thing (1982)

"Scientists in the Antarctic are confronted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the appearance of the people that it kills."

A lot of people class this as sci-fi and I can see their point, but I think of it as horror and absolutely love it.

John Carpenter didn't so much remake "The Thing From Another World" (1951) here but completely reinvented it as a practical effects laden gorefest. The alien creature effects truly are the star of the show but there's still the tension and paranoia of the original.

I first heard about "The Thing" while listening to trailers for it on the radio. I could only imagine what it looked like because I was too young to see it at the cinema but a couple of years later it was on TV completely uncensored (because British TV is always good like that) and it was exactly as I expected it to be.

When VHS came along it was one of the first I bought. I've watched "The Thing" more times than just about any other movie in my collection especially since getting the "Collector's Edition" on DVD.

There's just something about being trapped in a hostile, snowy environment with a shape-changing alien who could be anybody (or anything) that ticks every box in the "survival horror" category for me.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm really looking forward to this year's "premake" so I'm definitely including "The Thing" in my Hallowe'en countdown.

Trollhunter (2010)

(AKA Trolljegeren)



"A group of students investigate a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter."

Since everyone else is doing the "Blogger Zombie Walk" today, I thought I'd just be a total contrarian and review "Trollhunter" instead.

I actually watched this last weekend when it first appeared on Netflix but decided to wait until I'd seen it at least a couple of times over before seeing if I could write about it in a good way. "Trollhunter", you see, is yet another one of those "found footage" movies which I hate so much plus it's Norwegian.

Norway isn't exactly well known for its horror movies apart from the excellent "Fritt Vilt" (2006) and a couple of others which were not nearly as good, so I wasn't expecting a lot from "Trollhunter". However, I was generally quite pleasantly surprised.

Making allowances for the style of the film, the acting seemed to be pretty good. Obviously I don't understand Norwegian, so my assessment is only based on the actors' expressions rather than their delivery. Having said that, it's still supposed to be a wry comedy, but it undoubtedly comes across as a lot more serious to an only English-speaking audience, which is definitely a good thing.

After the unnecessary amount of overrating which "Dead Snow" (2009) got, I really thought that I was going to hate this horror-comedy just as much, but I actually got quite caught up in it and enjoyed it for what it was. Johanna Mørck, who was also in "Fritt Vilt II" (2008), really stole the show for me with her big-eyed, knowing looks at the camera.

Apart from Tomas Alf Larsen. who was Eirek in "Fritt Vilt" and "Fritt Vilt II", the rest of the cast seem to be complete unknowns in the horror genre. Otto Jespersen, who plays Hans the Trollhunter, is the best known to Norwegian audiences due to his comedy TV show, but it hasn't travelled outside of the country, so you'd be forgiven if you've never heard of any of these people before.

Glenn Erland Tosterud as Thomas had the most character development going on if only because he was in front of the camera more than anyone else. Although the titular hero is supposed to be the focus, he's a bit too dour to form any attachment to. Thomas' gleefulness is a lot more infectious, and he's the one that you want to care about more than the others.

As for the trolls themselves, they are very well done. Although they were meant to look somewhat silly and like something which Ray Harryhausen would have been very pleased with, they could be quite menacing at times. I've probably forgotten the names of some of them them but they include a three-headed Tosserlad, a Ringlefinch who lives under a bridge, Mountain Kings who fart a lot, and an enormous Jotnar whose spectacular appearance is given away on the DVD sleeve.

Writer/director André Øvredal alluded to fairytales while creating a whole new backstory to trolls which I found very clever. I also liked the camerawork which showed a lot of Norway. I'm not much of a traveller and should probably be ashamed to say that I've never had any great desire to visit Norway. It actually looks a lot like rural America in places only slightly less shit.

If you absolutely hated "The Blair Witch Project" and "Cloverfield" then you'll probably want to give "Trollhunter" a miss too. If you give it a chance though, you'll find that the Norwegians have actually succeeded where all the other "found footage" filmmakers have failed. It's just a pity that they didn't make any of it scary.

Leviathan (1989)

"Underwater deep-sea miners encounter a Soviet wreck and bring back a dangerous cargo to their base on the ocean floor with horrifying results..."

Yes, "Leviathan" is just a clone of "The Thing" mixed with a healthy dollop of "Alien" and set underwater but it's not a bad film if you like that kind of thing.

With a cast full of lots of big names from the '80s including Peter Weller, Richard Crenna, Amanda Pays, Ernie Hudson and Meg Foster, "Leviathan" can't really go wrong (and doesn't) except for being a knockoff of other films.

This is a great product of the late '80s with its original music by Jerry Goldsmith and creature effects created by Stan Winston (and his whole team!), but, even though I had it on VHS for years, I never made it through to the end for some reason. If I did, I simply can't remember.

Having recently purchased a DVD version, I endured once again the disappointment of never seeing Amanda Pays get naked and wondering how she ended up married to Corbin Bernsen. Ah well, they must be good together since they've been married since a year before she even made this film.

Except for Amanda Pays, everybody seemed to phone-in their performances but it didn't really matter for a film of this kind. I did enjoy seeing Peter Weller minus his "Robocop" gear and actually trying to act although he was clearly upstaged by Richard Crenna who had far too little screen time in comparison.

The effects were still pretty good but not as memorable as Stan Winston's other work, the characters were clichéd but likeable, and the story itself wasn't a bad way to pass 98 minutes of my time, however, I'm still only going to rate this as just average.

Bear (2010)

"Two young couples are driving through a remote forest when their car breaks down. When a run-in with a curious grizzly bear ends up with the bear being shot to death, the bear's mate arrives on the scene and vengefully attacks their van."

Continuing my season of horror films which I've never seen before, I decided to watch this animal revenge story featuring the least menacing grizzly bears ever.

I don't know why exactly it is that Americans find bears so terrifying especially as you are hardly ever like to see one inside your parents' basement. If you do leave your comfort zone and head off out into the woods, you probably won't see a bear anywhere either as they are mostly shy creatures who tend to avoid humans unless they are desperate for food.

Even though I've heard rumours that there are bears all over the place where I live, I've never seen one in four years and I've been looking hard. It will probably happen on the one day that I don't have a jar of honey with me too.

But I suppose you want to know about the film? The IMDb synopsis which I quoted at the beginning really gives it all away.

What that brief description of the plot doesn't tell you is that the couples in "Bear" are the annoying, bickering kind who do nothing but talk about their uber important relationships all the way through while either hiding in an old water pipe or their car as the vengeful bear attacks them over and over again like a bigger version of "Cujo".

The characters are also absolutely hateful cowards who are over eager to shoot the first grizzly bear at point blank range about a dozen times but, fortunately, for those of us who love justice, they have no idea that you are supposed to stand your ground and make yourself look as big as possible instead of running away with your arms flailing everywhere when they encounter the second bear.

Make no mistake about it, "Bear" is a terrible film with no scares, gore or excitement. The ending makes no sense either as the two brothers just decide to sacrifice themselves to the bear in an act of atonement without even thinking of offering the contents of their tasty pic-a-nic basket first.

At just over an hour and a quarter long, "Bear" is a mercifully short film but still an hour too long for what it tries (and fails) to accomplish.

Mulberry Street (2006)

"A deadly infection breaks out in Manhattan, causing humans to devolve into blood-thirsty rat creatures. Six recently evicted tenants must survive the night and protect their downtown apartment building as the city quickly spirals out of control."

I'd actually watched this before when it came out but wrote it off as being just another slightly below average apocalyptic virus film and didn't make it to the end.

The rat-creatures were just ridiculous and could have been zombies for all that they really contributed to originality of the story. They didn't look all that good but then none of "Mulberry Street" was all that aesthetically pleasing anyway.

If you like this grainy, low-budget style of filmmaking then I'm sure you'll get more out of "Mulberry Street" than I did. It was just too much like "YouTube" with far too many moles, freckles, scars and wrinkles on display which made me feel more nauseated than entertained especially after seeing how much Bo Corre had aged since she was once the uber hot Swede in "Eldorado" back in the day.

The biggest problem though was that the last half-hour was a chaotic mess which I'm sure was intentional but didn't help much with any attachment I was feeling for the characters. It was a shame really as the characterisation started really well and then sort of just gave up in favour of poor special effects and hard to follow action sequences.

With only a few days to go before Netflix remove this from their "Watch Instantly" section, you should watch it again now (as I did) before it's too late. "Mulberry Street" is probably not something that you'd ever buy unless it was part of some kind of multi-pack.

Episode 50 (2011)

"Experience the true terror of things that go bump in the dead of night in the blood-curdling Episode 50, one of this year’s most nerve-shredding, spine-chilling supernatural thrillers."

If you are a fan of all those stupid "Ghost Hunters" or "Most Haunted" TV series (which I refer to as "Bullshit or Not?" after watching "Amazon Women on the Moon" or some such crap years ago), then you'll probably thoroughly enjoy "Episode 50".

However, if you loathe badly made mockumentaries where no attempt is made to include the "found footage" cameraman as a character then you'll probably switch this off quite early on without even a second thought.

In the interest of providing at least one "true" ghost story film for my "Hallowe'en Countdown", I suffered through the appallingly wooden acting and two decent effects of this film just to have something to write about.

I didn't completely hate it but only because I just couldn't get into it enough to feel anything about it one way or another. The characters were just too poorly defined to care much about them and the haunting of whatever asylum it was supposed to be didn't really interest me all that much either. I've seen it all done on TV before but for real and even then it was boring.

If you like this kind of thing then I recommend "Paranormal Entity" (2009) from The Asylum (not "Paranormal Activity" or its sequel) instead. Why you would like this style of filmmaking though is something which I can't even begin to understand in the first place.