My Top Five Worst YouTubers of 2012

One very obvious thing which I've noticed about YouTube is that 95% of the people making videos on there shouldn't be. A lot of YouTubers can barely form coherent sentences or just repeat themselves until they become boring while others alternate between being banal and self-deprecating so much that it makes you wonder if they have some kind of mental illness. You only have to look at the comments section under most YouTube videos to realise that the fanboys of the more popular channels aren't much better. Too many little kids are trolling the site, but worse than that, it's like the very worst people from Reddit and 4chan have taken it over.

YouTube has become so awful recently that I don't really like to go on there to grab trailers for my reviews if I can possibly avoid it. If things continue the way they are, I can't see the site lasting more than another couple of years before something better comes along. The sheer amount of cyberbullying which goes on will eventually force Google to lock the vile little kids out of YouTube completely. I'll never understand why they still allow 10-year-olds to make accounts or why parents let their kids watch the crap on there except that, in the first instance, more traffic means more ad revenue. The AdSense scam whereby people aren't getting paid for monetising their videos has also caused a lot of former YouTubers to give up anyway. The bottom line is that it's all about money, and YouTube isn't a very friendly place.

I could be mean and pick out the "worst five" horrible YouTubers who don't have many subscribers, but the subscribers number is only a reflection of the way YouTube manufactured and promoted its own celebrities. Just like the days of Tila Tequila and Forbidden on MySpace, a lot of it is about who got on there first. Subscriber numbers can consist of thousands of dead accounts, and they are certainly no indication of talent.

Instead, I've chosen the people who've been making videos for quite a while and, in my opinion, should know better. Have a look at this lot, and let the horror begin!


1. MissHannahMinx



There are only two reasons why any of her 435,720 subscribers watch Miss Hannah Minx, and you don't have to be a genius to see what they are. I will give her credit for providing the over-cutesy tease which the unwashed, pre-pubescent masses lap up, but the content of her videos is so devoid of anything satisfying that I can't make it though even one of them. She's a kind of joke character like Elvira except not funny and not entertaining. Unless you are desperate to see cleavage then I don't understand the attraction because, should you ever have a girlfriend who behaves like Miss Hannah Minx in real life, I can guarantee that it won't be a bed of roses at all. Mercifully, she's barely made any new videos this year.


2. Zoella



What is this insipid crap? Apparently, it's a serious attempt at recreating the blandness of morning TV in Britain. Yes, serious! It's not even a parody! This also has 413,509 subscribers!!! Ugh! What is wrong with people? If you view this, make sure you have your AdBlock enabled, because mediocrity doesn't deserve any financial reward. I couldn't even make it through 2 minutes of one of the videos on this channel without wanting to vomit.


3. PossessedbyHorror



If you think I'm being mean to someone with only 2,387 subscribers, think again. Sarah Hawkinson has 352 uploaded videos and 38,914 subscribers on her main channel which puts her in the same league as Coolduder (below). She's in this for the money, has no real interest in horror movies, comes across as scared of her own shadow, and is clearly a bag of nerves. It's hard to hate someone you don't know, but I challenge you to get through one of her attention deficit "reviews" without wanting to shake some sense into her. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so vain, self-centred, or as thick as two short planks about a subject since iJustine. On the plus side, she's a cat lover.


4. Coolduder



According to his stats, Shawn C. Phillips has made over 1,232 videos on his channel and has 38,481 subscribers. That doesn't make him a very big player except physically and, in fairness, he hasn't changed his style since he joined YouTube in 2006, but his movie reviews suck! Not only does he like almost everything indiscriminately, he doesn't so much review as just retell the plot of every movie in his own words. "Coolduder" must be conscious of what he's doing because he's a making a damned good living out of YouTube and getting lots of DVDs for free, so why would he bother to do it properly? Shawn, you are a very tragic man.


5. TheReplyGirl



Thankfully, the age of the "reply girls" including Alejandra (above) is now over, but it became a huge problem in 2012. Basically, several girls with monetised accounts (some of which, unfortunately, still exist but aren't being watched) started making 10 or 15 second replies (or whatever the very minimum length of a video could be) to anyone who was getting featured on YouTube's front page so that they could make money off the same audience. They used the same tags and the same titles in their own videos just so that they would feature on the front page right next to their target. Cleavage and misleading thumbnails almost guaranteed that little boys would click on them. It was ingenious in some ways, but so annoying and devoid of content that YouTube removed the monetisation and ended the problem after many complaints. If only YouTube would remove the monetisation from every account on YouTube, it would be a much better site.


Runner-up: Ramboraph4life



Matt has almost as many uploaded videos as he does subscribers, and that's a bad thing for someone who has only had this particular account for 2 years. Seriously, 1425 uploads in two years!!! It's insane. Most of his movie reviews are barely watchable due to Matt's pained expressions, whining voice, spitting, expletive-laden rants, and the repetition of the same points over and over again. Even at 15 minutes long, each video is a chore to get through. On the plus side, Matt does actually watch all the movies himself and occasionally comes up with some valid (although second-hand/acquired) criticism. For someone who has made the number of videos which he has, you'd think he would have learned from his mistakes by now. The video above is actually one of his better attempts.


So there you have my worst YouTubers of 2012. Who are yours? Also, would you be interested if I was to review individual YouTube videos on this blog in the future?

My Top Five Best YouTubers of 2012

With everyone else doing their end of year horror movie lists right now, I've chosen to compile something a little bit different for you.

I've already posted my "year in review" back in November, and since I haven't been watching a lot of horror movies recently anyway, I've just been surfing the monetised cesspit of YouTube for entertainment. I started off with the horror channels, of course, but then clicked on links which took me further away until the content started to be more refreshing than simply watching yet another fat guy with a neckbeard flashing his latest batch of DVDs at the camera and telling their stories in his own words. I found a couple of girls doing that too, and they also weren't up to much.

Anyway, without further ado, here are the YouTubers who I've enjoyed the most over the last 12 months. Check them all out and you might find something to interest you too.


1. Moymoypalaboy



I don't really know a lot about these guys other than they come from the Philippines and lip-sync to popular songs. They also have their own band and have become TV celebrities in their own country. Usually, it's just the two brothers in the videos, but they are sometimes joined by special guests and lots of pretty girls. Their comical expressions make these videos a good "pick me up" for when you're feeling a bit down. It's a pity that they don't make as many videos as they used to, but YouTube removes a lot of them because of copyright issues with the music.


2. Gimmeaflakeman



There's so much to this channel that it's hard to know how to describe it. Basically, Victor is a 40-something American ex-pat who owns his own English language school in Japan. He vlogs, gives Japanese language lessons, and many insights into Japanese culture in his own very entertaining and informative manner. If you don't follow J-vloggers because they are all annoying weeaboos, this man may change your opinion. He's kind of like the teacher that you wish you'd had.


3. Ashens



You could be mistaken for thinking these videos were just some snarky English guy opening cheap crap from Poundland on his sofa, but you'd also be right. Occasionally, Ashens really annoys me (not least because he's monetised to the hilt), but at other times, he's hilarious. When he reviews older electronics, it makes you wonder why they even existed and who was silly enough to buy them.


4. Maxmoefoe



There's a lot to this guy's channel including prank calls, crap he gets sent to him through the mail, computer games, and his bizarre collection of Pokemon cards. His swearing will appal most Americans, but it's nothing compared to the reality of living in Britain or Australia. For a young Aussie guy, he's pretty funny and seems genuinely good-natured underneath his trolling persona.


5. TheArchfiend



If you hate all the attention-seeking and money-grubbing "whores" on YouTube, nobody can put those feelings into words better than "The Archfiend". He's been around for as long as YouTube has been popular, but isn't nearly as famous as he should be for someone with such great rhetorical skills. There are no jump cuts, his monologues are straight to the point and rational, but sometimes he can be just a little bit too "American" for his own good (which can alienate his audience). He's a pretty decent guy underneath the act, and his various skits/parodies and rants on news items will give anyone with a brain a reason to like him.


Runner up: Mugumogu



Simply the best cat videos on YouTube. Maru is a cat whose antics and love of cardboard boxes are filmed by his Japanese owner for the pleasure of other cat lovers everywhere.


Tomorrow, I'll post my "Top Five Worst YouTubers of 2012".

2012 - The Year in Review

With only three movie releases left which I care about seeing, I've decided to do my "Year in Review" a month early and get it out of the way.

I have yet to see "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2", "The Collection" or "Silent Night", but none of them will change anything I have to say anyway. As much as "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" is the movie which I'm most looking forward to, I highly doubt that it will be so innovative or groundbreaking that it will become my favourite of the year.

If I had to make a top ten list of the best films that I've seen this year, I don't actually think I could find ten of them to fill it with. Once again, we've only had a lot of mediocrity even though the remakes have virtually disappeared (until next year), and there weren't even that many sequels to moan about either.

The horror movies I enjoyed most were "Lovely Molly", "The Awakening", and "Perras". Each was actually made last year but took a while to come out so maybe it's a bit of a cheat on my part. I really didn't like anything that was made this year at all.

In fact, even though I didn't review it, "The Hunger Games" was the only truly 2012 movie which I almost liked. It may have been a PG-13 version of "Battle Royale", but the characters were nicely played and the ending left me wanting more. Surprisingly, I'm going to say that "The Hunger Games" was the best of yet another horrible year.

The movies I hated were "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter", "The Cabin in the Woods", "Paranormal Activity 4", "Sinister", "The Bay", and, of course, "[REC]³ Génesis". I haven't put them in any particular order since I hated them all almost equally, but "[REC]³ Génesis" was definitely the most disappointing. I half-expected the others to be crap beforehand so they didn't really have a chance to disappoint me more.

The rest of the theatrical releases were just good-looking but soulless things which I didn't feel anything for one way or another. "The Raven", "Prometheus", "Snow White and The Huntsman", "Dark Shadows", "The Possession", and "The Woman in Black" remake (which I refuse to review) were all instantly forgettable.

Although they weren't horror, "Underworld: Awakening", "The Avengers", "The Dark Knight Rises", "Resident Evil: Retribution", "Total Recall" and "Looper" were similarly all style over substance with no originality or rewatchability. I watched them all for free and enjoyed several bags of peanut M&Ms throughout their duration, but I feel sorry for anyone who paid for their own tickets.

As for the straight-to-DVD or VOD movies, there wasn't even one good one. "Absentia" and "Nailbiter" were horrid wastes of time while "Cassadaga", "Apartment 143", "The Innkeepers", "The Pact", "The Tall Man" and "Citadel" were all highly overrated by the bigger horror sites and several horror bloggers. It comes to something when the most entertaining were "ATM", The Asylum's "The Haunting of Whaley House" or the YouTube-endorsed "Smiley". In better years, I wouldn't have gone out of my way to watch any of them.

Even the foreign movies such as "Livide", "Behind the Walls" and "The Skin I Live In" got a resounding "Meh" from me. I couldn't even figure out what "Livide" was supposed to be anyway, "Behind the Walls" was just a mess, and "The Skin I Live In" was a curiously non-horrific horror.

The absolute worst films of 2012 were "The Bay" and "V/H/S" which I didn't even make it through. Whereas "The Bay" was simply too boring to endure, "V/H/S" was completely unwatchable. I can't say anything about "Silent Hill: Revelation 3D" because I haven't seen it and don't want to.

Hopefully, there'll be something decent next year, but it's unlikely. Having seen the list of upcoming remakes and sequels, I think I'll be sticking to my existing horror movie collection from now on.

2011 - The Year In Review

And so ends one of the crappiest years for horror ever.

I haven't returned to horror blogging but with this post (and maybe one more to come), I'm just tidying up a few loose ends with a quick look back over 2011.

A few films were better than I expected them to be. I actually enjoyed "Apollo 18", "Final Destination 5", "The Human Centipede II", "The Woman", and even "The Rite" from way back at the start of the year. Who would have thought that a mixture of sequels and derivative-as-hell clones of better films would have made it to the top of my list? Unfortunately, that's all we seemed to have this year.

I hated "Season of the Witch", "Attack the Block", "Contagion", "Hatchet II", "Hobo with a Shotgun", "Scream 4" and "Wake Wood". My biggest disappointment was "ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2" which was so awful that I couldn't even bring myself to write a review of it. I didn't even watch "Insidious" until it got to Netflix and, likewise, couldn't be bothered to write anything about that lame "Poltergeist" ripoff either.

The others, including "Paranormal Activity 3", "Red State", "The Thing" (premake), and the various DVD releases of films which were actually made last year ("The Ward", "Stake Land" and "Lost Boys: The Thirst") were just sort of there apart from "Trollhunter" which was by far the best DVD release this year but hardly horror.

One film which didn't actually make an appearance on DVD but I ended up watching on YouTube instead was the Korean mystery/ghost story called "The Cat". It was definitely my favourite film from this year but, considering that everything else was basically a huge steaming pile of shit, it wasn't difficult for it to stand out.

I really don't have anything else to add as far as horror films are concerned. Horror TV was good for as long as "American Horror Story" lasted but "The Walking Dead" bored me to tears with all its talk and no action.

In other news, I became addicted to Twitter and then gave up on it, finally moved house (into an actual house rather than yet another apartment), and sold 150 of my DVDs at a yard sale because, basically, they were all really crappy ones like "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" (which is allegedly getting a sequel which I have no interest in), "The Dunwich Horror", "Wrong Turn 3", and anything else which I would never, in my right mind, ever watch again.

I've officially given up on Netflix as I've watched everything that they had to offer horror-wise and put my membership on hold for the next three months (now that I've watched all their film noir selection as well). If I don't see any decent films appear in the next three months then I'll simply cancel Netflix altogether.

My New Year's resolutions are to spend more time with my cats and not waste my time on the internet. I also intend to eat better than I have been following frequent bouts of constipation followed by diarrhoea. Yes, I'm sure you wanted to know that but, since I'm writing this whole year off as completely shitty, it seems an appropriate way to end this post.

Happy 2012! I hope the Mayans get proven right.

2010 - The Year In Review

It wasn't the worst year for horror films but it was far from the best either. Looking back over the releases for 2010, the best were "A Serbian Film", "The Loved Ones", "The Collector" and "Frozen" (even though it shouldn't really be classed as a horror film at all).

From the others, "Daybreakers" was more enjoyable than I thought it would be, "The Human Centipede" almost lived up to the hype, and "Splice" was another entertaining if not entirely successful sci-fi romp.

I didn't like "Carriers" or "The Crazies", pretty much hated "Case 39", "The Descent: Part 2", and "Paranormal Activity 2", and, as usual, was indifferent to all the comedies such as "Lesbian Vampire Killers", "Neighbor", and "Vampires Suck".

Some of the standout straight-to-DVD movies which I enjoyed were "The New Daughter", "Triangle" and "Sick Girl" although they were all made last year so shouldn't really count.

The torture porn subgenre finally died completely with "Penance" and the final "Saw 3D" and everything else was just average especially the "Predators" reboot, remake of "The Wolfman" and the latest "Resident Evil: Afterlife" which some people claim was fantastic in 3D.

It's pretty sad that the best theatrical experience I had was watching "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" but that says more about the current state of distribution rather than my personal taste.

I've had a year of watching a ton of non-horror genre DVDs from Netflix plus using their online streaming services and I'm sure that I'm not the only one. I also really liked watching "Dead Set" on IFC and "The Walking Dead" on AMC.

According to various news sites, DVD sales have fallen significantly over the last year and even blu-ray isn't making much of an impact. Everybody is watching streaming movies now and the movie companies just aren't getting enough money back to invest in new features. With another year of remakes just around the corner, I doubt that we are going to going to see anything outstanding now since nobody is going to take any risks anymore.

Hopefully there'll be something good from Europe again in 2011 and handycam movies will finally cease to exist. If I ever get back into regularly reviewing on this site, I will just be going through my existing collection from now on.

There's only a couple of weeks left to panic buy all your Christmas presents so I'm going to take yet another break and do the same myself. I'll be watching all the BBC's "Ghost Stories for Christmas" on the big day itself and drinking copious amounts of Harvey's Bristol Cream. I've asked Santa for a Panasonic Toughbook CF-31 but I haven't been a good boy so I'll probably get a ZX-81 instead.

Anyway, have a creepy Christmas and a bloody good New Year!