Maggie (2015)

"A teenage girl in the Midwest becomes infected by an outbreak of a disease that slowly turns the infected into cannibalistic zombies. During her transformation, her loving father stays by her side."

It's no good, I've bitten my tongue for far too long about the continued decline of so-called "horror" movies. So behold, I'm writing an actual movie review for the first time in nearly two years, even though I honestly don't care about any of it anymore. Unless something as equally dire as this zombie crap comes up later (not including the inevitable remakes and sequels which loom before us), I don't think I'll write another horror movie review this year either. Horror is creatively dead, and there's no point.

I didn't write about the hypocrisy of all the "Twilight" haters who sucked up to "Spring" (2014), even though it's little more than one of those talky "Before" movies with a couple of minutes of monster, nor did I feel obliged to climb back into my online persona like a dog returning to its own vomit to comment on the softcore teen-porno known as "It Follows" (2014). So boring! But I've digressed. I have no beef with any of these people, even if their egos may cause them to manufacture one with me. I don't know any of them personally outside of how annoyingly they act on the internet, and really don't want to. We aren't friends, and we never will be. That's just how the cookie crumbles.

Let's get down to the subject in hand. In the case of "Maggie", it's yet another PG-13 "genre" film with no scares or any horror in it, indicating that the whole concept of "scary" has apparently been abandoned forever now. Just calling a movie "horror" is enough for some people, I guess, whether it bears any resemblence to the dictionary definition or not. Still jaded, I highly doubt that there will ever be a genuinely scary movie again from anyone.

Boasting the same horrible faux-handheld camerawork (with the everso slightly shakiness of such movies as "The Reaping") and a mostly washed-out colour palette, "Maggie" won't make you throw up with motion sickness but will fill you with nausea by utilising such a recognisable "shakycam" contrivance to add "realism". LOL (I never used to use acronyms in my reviews, but I have to this time). Realism in a zombie movie? Give me a break! Why even bother? It's all FICTION, geddit? I hate to break it to you, but zombies aren't real!

To say that everything about "Maggie" is predictable would be an understatement. Aside from the obvious outcome, there's much amusement to be had when Joely Richardson touches her neck to show anxiety JUST LIKE SHE DOES IN EVERY EPISODE OF NIP/TUCK! Get some range Joely, for the love of God! LOL She's still undeniably gorgeous but seems to be no longer capable of doing an American accent or even act anymore. Shame.

Look, I can't act worth a shit either, nor can I bake a cake, but that doesn't mean that I can't spot bad acting or know what I like to eat. For that reason, the less said about Arnie's dozen lines of anguished dialogue and constipated expression throughout, the better. I still like his previous work, I just wish he would actually learn to do some acting one day. I won't deny that there are some attempts at acting here, but it's not very convincing.

I don't really want to write anything about the girl who plays Maggie, but I will. I don't know her name, Abigail Something, and I can't be bothered to look it up on the IMDb either (oh, it's on the poster... Breslin). I think she was nominated for an Oscar once. I don't remember or care. The Oscars are total bollocks anyway. For someone who is supposedly dying, Maggie just behaves like a typical mopey teenager. Oh, so sad! She didn't even register on me, and she's supposed to be the lead! Superficial characterisation or generally bad writing? Who knows? LOL again. I found that I was more interested in how old Arnie looks now, the makeup, locations, and the sets than any of the dramatic performances.

It's true what Wes Vance often said on Deadpit Radio back in the day when I used to listen to it, "If you continuously feed people with a diet of shit, eventually shit doesn't taste so bad to them anymore." In fact, a lot of them now consider shit to be their staple diet and greedily gulp it down willingly.

"Maggie" really is another plateful of steaming turds which the hard of understanding and easily pleased will undoubtedly find very satisfying. The Aristotlean "art is best when hidden" rule is thrown out of the window like a Parisian chamber pot with this movie, and forget about any of this bland crap "causing emotion" or "the catharsis of such emotion". It's tropes, formulas, flat characters, and languid storytelling all the way. OMFG (sorry about another acronym which I would never use in real life), "Maggie" is utter shite!

Slow, boring as fuck, and with a shit ending, the "horror nasties" will undoutedly ADORE and LOVE "Maggie" (since it's impossible for any of them to merely LIKE a film with their affected and constantly gushing written style). They all write the same way and repeat each other ad nauseum. I bet they are all SUPER EXCITED about this too. Bahahahahaha! Fucking tools! I bet none of them will have the balls to admit that even "Contracted" (2013) has better effects and more emotion to it than "Maggie".

I would say that I can't wait to read their reviews to see my predictions proven right, but I'm not that interested enough to do so. Let's face it, you know that the "big names" (in reality, nothing but unemployable ex-students who write purple prose for less than a penny a word) and their asscrawlers will be praising the shit out of this because it gets them page views, reciprocal promotion, a quote on the DVD cover, and access. There's very little honesty among them, and there never has been. "It's all marketing" is their hackneyed excuse. Whatever. They are nothing but gaslighters and clickbait. Let them eat zombie cupcakes!

"Maggie" is vacuous rubbish of the highest order which is presumably aimed at younger teenagers who aren't allowed to watch "The Walking Dead" on TV. Entertainment-wise, this isn't for "horror buffs", traditional Arnie fans, or for anyone expecting lots of action. It's not even badly done enough to laugh at in a sneering way like so many scathing reviewers love to do.

Supposedly a character driven piece and an allegory about terminal illness, the dialogue is so lame and the execution so ploddingly dull that "Maggie" fails to deliver the goods there too. With or without the zombie gimmick, "Maggie" is simply null and void on all emotional levels.

For something more invigorating, I suggest that you go old school and watch some vintage Romero or Italian zombie movies instead. Vote with your wallets and give this one a miss unless you've exhausted everything else to watch.

[REC] (2007)

"A television reporter and cameraman follow emergency workers into a dark apartment building and are quickly locked inside with something terrifying."

In preparation for my next podcast, I rewatched "[REC]" yesterday, started making some notes, and then realised that I had never written a review of it. So, only about 5 years too late, here's my review of "[REC]".

The first thing which I noticed was that the skinny, rabbit-toothed reporter, Ángela Vidal, was really two-faced. I think this was a very well observed piece of filmmaking and definitely a criticism of all those TV journalists who act all friendly (and a bit stupid) but are quite ruthless underneath. Ángela Vidal, played by Manuela Velasco, came across as someone who thought that she was better than everyone else, who considered that the job was beneath her, and was completely narcissistic. Apart from her sexy upper arms, I didn't like anything about her.

As far as eyecandy in the movie went, I thought that Maria Lanau who played Mari Carmen (the little girl's hysterical mother) was much better looking than Manuela Velasco. Well, she was until she got bitten anyway. Maybe it's because she reminded me slightly of uber hot Belén Rueda who is around the same age and equally well preserved.

Unfortunately, Ángela dominated this film. I don't think there were more than 5 of the 120 minutes where she wasn't on screen, and she was a very annoying character. If she wasn't acting in a controlling way or redundantly telling the cameraman to film things, she was screeching at the top of her voice. I'm glad I had subtitles and could turn the volume down.

"Eeeeh, what's up, Doc?"

As for the story, for another faux found footage movie, "[REC]" wasn't bad. I was a bit annoyed by what I would call "linear gameplay", since a lot of the characters' actions involved going backwards and forwards over the same ground just like in a "Resident Evil" game. Actually, it also reminded me of "Doom" and "Quake" in the way that it was all a lot of running through corridors, or up and down stairs, collecting an item at point A to be used at point B, and unlocking doors etc. The video game influence on "[REC]" were blatantly obvious.

Among all the outstanding gore and make-up effects, there were even a couple of jump scares which actually got me. Both involved the little girl, Jennifer, once she had turned rabid. I didn't find the atmosphere to be particularly creepy, and there wasn't any tension, but the jump scares just happened so unexpectedly that they caught me off guard.

Of course, there were several plot holes which almost spoilt my enjoyment of "[REC]" including how Max, the little girl's dog, got infected when the Portuguese girl had been locked away for years with no contact with any of the other residents of the building. The old woman who was said to have cats didn't actually have any cats roaming around her apartment either which was a huge disappointment for me.

The revelation that the rabies-like virus which was turning everyone into zombies was supernatural in origin was a bit hard to believe so I can see why "Quarantine" (2008), the American remake, left that part out. Having to use newspaper clippings and an old-fashioned tape recorder to explain why everything was happening was either an homage to "The Evil Dead" (1981), or more likely, was something else borrowed from computer games.

Even though it had a lot of faults, I was actually quite entertained and really enjoyed rewatching "[REC]". It was nicely paced, not so obviously staged as "Quarantine", and it looked the part. Due to the subject matter, it was totally unbelievable as a "found footage" film, but I'll still rate it as average.

Apollo 18 (2011)

"Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon."

The prospect of yet another fake found footage movie may have many people yawning, but "Apollo 18" isn't too bad if you ignore all the derivative elements.

The big selling point is whether or not you believe in conspiracy theories and, more importantly, if you believe that there ever was an Apollo 18 mission. Personally, I don't believe that man has ever landed on the moon, but it doesn't stop me from enjoying these little far-fetched fantasies or the ongoing debates about them.

Starring Lloyd Owen from "Monarch of the Glen", Ryan Robbins from "Battlestar Galactica" and Warren Christie from "Happy Town", "Apollo 18" hasn't used complete unknowns, but I doubt that many people will recognise any of these TV actors especially as they aren't even credited. Whether or not this works in the film's favour is open to debate since it's unlikely that there is anyone gullible enough to believe that they are watching real astronauts rather than actors.

The astronauty stuff is quite interesting in places, and the attention to detail often makes it look like real NASA footage. The story itself though is little more than a low-rent version of "Alien" (1979), and there's hardly anything here which hasn't been done before.

"Apollo 18" isn't really like "The Blair Witch Project" (1999) apart from some of the camerawork, but that comparison will still be foremost in the minds of the majority of moviegoers. It's a little bit unfair as "Apollo 18" had an obviously larger budget even though it's still very low-budget in comparison to most other mainstream movies.

One thing which works well is the claustrophobic look and feel of the the movie. Unfortunately, "Apollo 18" really lacks the suspense which would make it a lot better. The usual tired gags of oxygen running out, communications breaking down, and the panicky ending almost sink this film to the rather forgettable category.

The blatantly obvious political message of the downbeat ending simply adds to the rest of the clichés and will probably make even more people hate the film than praise it.

"Apollo 18" is still highly watchable, but it's just not very original in spite of its premise. I'm rating it as average.