My Top Ten Favourite Non-horror Films

It's been nearly two years since I listed my top ten favourite horror films, so I thought it was about time to do the same thing with the non-horror ones.

Just as before, I've put them in reverse order so you have to read all the way to the end.


10. Die Hard (1988)
In the '80s, I used to love watching "Moonlighting" until it was ruined by too much of Herbert and Agnes. It was a logical progression that Bruce Willis moved on to films, but I don't think anyone expected him to become quite such a big action star. I saw "Die Hard" at the cinema when it came out and probably 20 more times on television before I finally bought a copy of it on DVD. I never had the VHS version. "Die Hard" is pretty much the perfect Christmas action movie for me. I tend to alternate between it and whichever James Bond movie I haven't seen for a while each year during my dinner.


9. Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
Another action movie which I saw at the cinema also makes the list because I watched it with a group of friends. Yes, I used to have friends. We were a riotous group that day, lobbing Kia-Ora cartons at each other like grenades (having pulled the straw out with our teeth like a grenade pin), and thoroughly upsetting the cinema staff. One of the most memorable jeers was when Co (Julia Nickson) was dying and somebody shouted, "Quick! Shag her while she's still warm!" Every time I watch "Rambo" now, I'm reminded of happier times.


8. GoldenEye (1995)
It's hard to choose just one Bond film for my top ten but, based only on the number of times that I've rewatched "GoldenEye" and played the N64 game, it has to be this one. I used to watch "Remington Steele" when it was popular and couldn't wait to see Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. He wasn't in any way disappointing although I never much liked Judi Dench as "M" (or in anything else for that matter). Of course, given that the only Bond films which I really like are the Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan ones, my choices were narrowed down. If the Sean Connery ones weren't so dated, "From Russia with Love" would have been here instead.


7. Total Recall (1990)
This is the last movie on my top ten list which I saw theatrically with a reduced number of the same group of former schoolfriends. We had all started to go our separate ways, some moved away, one got married, and life was a bit like the famous Bryan Adams song. We all loved Arnold Schwarzenegger and had watched everything he was in from "Conan the Barbarian" onwards. I bought this as a VHS boxset with two tapes as soon as it came out, but I never watched the special features on that second tape. I still don't have this on DVD, but I might have to upgrade just to see Sharon Stone at her most beautiful again.


6. L.A. Confidential (1997)
Having finally watched "L.A. Confidential" for the first time a couple of years ago, I was ashamed of myself for switching it off every time it was shown by the BBC. I must have thought that it was something else (or something crappy like "The Fabulous Baker Boys") and Guy Pearce was still too fresh in my mind from his work on "Neighbours" for me to take seriously. By forcing myself to sit through the first scenes again, I became completely caught up in it all and I now think this is a much better neo-noir than "Chinatown". Russell Crowe is really good in this as well.


5. Bring It On (2000)
No, I'm not joking. Given the big three of "Clueless", "Legally Blonde" or "Bring It On", the cheerleaders win every time. I love Kirsten Dunst in nearly everything she's done (although she really didn't look toned enough to be a tennis player in "Wimbledon") and, of course, Eliza Dushku is in this too. As you can imagine, this movie is on my list for purely sinister reasons and I'm not ashamed to admit it either. For other people, this is probably a very guilty pleasure.


4. Sin City (2005)
Possibly the only comic book adaptation that actually feels like a comic book makes it to number four on my list. Although I'm usually not much of a Robert Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino fan, Frank Miller kept both of them in check with his own vision and created a minor masterpiece here. I've only ever seen this movie on DVD as my hometown didn't even have a cinema when this came out. If I ever get a Blu-ray player, this will be one of the first discs I buy again.


3. Watchmen (2009)
Really it's all due to Malin Akerman that I even bothered to buy a copy of "Watchmen" in the first place. She is extremely hot as "Silk Spectre II". As you may know, I'm not really into superheroes (since I'm not a twelve year old). All those Marvel films seem to be the same story over and over again but with the title character changed. "Watchmen" promised to be something different and it was. Just like everybody else who loves the film, I also ended up with all three versions. I actually slightly prefer the theatrical cut over the director's cut. The ultimate cut just has an annoying cartoon in it which is completely superfluous to the rest of the story so I've only watched that version once.


2. Scum (1979)
I wouldn't be me without my great love of gritty British dramas and there aren't any which are more brutal than this. Even "Sexy Beast" seems tame in comparison although that was my alternative choice for this position on my list. If I want to shock somebody (in particular, Americans), I stick this DVD on in front of them and make sure they know that the Borstal system was real.


1. Quadrophenia (1979)
Finally, the movie which I've watched more times than any other in my whole movie collection is "Quadrophenia". I became a bit obsessed with this film about ten years ago, bought a scooter, dressed up as a mod, and went to Brighton just so that I could say, "I was a mod there! That's got to mean something!" Brighton has excellent fish and chips on the pier, by the way. Like Jimmy, I eventually became thoroughly disappointed with the whole scene. I got bored with going to Brighton every bank holiday. I sold my scooter and my motorbikes though just before moving to America rather than drive them over a cliff.


So, those are my favourite non-horror films. As you can see, I'm quite eclectic. I don't like comedies at all so there are none of those on the list, and the foreign language films which I've enjoyed haven't really stuck in my mind either. I also like the majority of Clint Eastwood's movies but, obviously, not more than anything which I've chosen over them.

What are your top ten non-horror films?

The Hunger Games (2012)

"Set in a future where the Capitol selects a boy and girl from the twelve districts to fight to the death on live television, Katniss Everdeen volunteers to take her younger sister's place for the latest match."

Nearly every YouTube trailer for "The Hunger Games" says "Embedding disabled by request" so obviously even Lionsgate are ashamed of this crap.

I'd rather re-read "The Long Walk" by Stephen King (alias Richard Bachman) and I hate reading books.

That is all.

Felidae (1994)

"After his owner relocates, the cat Francis in involved in a series of cat murders in the new neighbourhood. Francis tries to solve the murder cases with others - including Claudandus, a very knowledgeable and old cat."

Although the subject matter belongs on my horror cats blog, it's an adult German cartoon so I've decided to say something about it here instead.

Containing a lot of film noir elements and some very weird looking cats, "Felidae" was an amusing way for me to waste 82 minutes of my life especially as the most horrific thing about it was that, in spite of a lot of hype on certain forums, it wasn't actually very good.

The dubbing was okay but the dialogue was awful in places and the story wasn't much better. It was all a bit too ridiculous. When the cats were actually behaving like cats, it was almost great. Overall, though, it was a little bit too far-fetched and poorly animated to be enjoyable.

The best part was the theme song by Boy George:



At least it didn't cost me anything since I watched the whole thing on YouTube but "Felidae" isn't something which I would recommend to anyone except the very curious. We all know what curiosity did to the cat.

Movies which should be horror

Ever watch something and think, "This should really be classed as a horror movie"? What about the films which are borderline anyway or contain so many horror elements that you wonder why they still aren't considered part of the genre? This is my top ten list of those which rightfully should be horror.


1. RoboCop (1987)

"In a dystopic & crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him."

The IMDb classifies Paul Verhoeven's masterpiece as "Action | Crime | Sci-Fi" but it's a Frankenstein subgenre film all the way and brutal too. Having various body parts shotgunned off, followed by having the rest surgically removed and replaced by machinery, is something that really belongs to the horror genre, isn't it?


2. Tres Pájaros (2002)

"Gustavo, well dressed in a Buenos Aires office and gunning for a promotion, gets a briefcase full of cash from his boss to use in shutting down a mine in remote San Juan province. Everything seems to go wrong: no one meets him at the provincial airport; he gets bad directions, leaves cell-phone range, and runs out of gas at a roadhouse near the border where a few drug runners may be waiting for product."

The IMDb classifies this Argentinian movie as "Adventure | Romance | Thriller" even though it's clearly a horror movie with the criminals added later. If being completely isolated from civilisation with every possibility that you could die there and nobody would ever know or care isn't your idea of horror then forget I said anything.


3. Vanilla Sky (2001)

"A successful publisher finds his life taking a turn for the surreal after a car accident with a jaded lover."

The IMDb classifies this remake as "Mystery | Romance | Sci-Fi" and although it's very much the last of these, there's a healthy amount of horror here too. Just look at Tom Cruise's face after the accident! It's also one of the rare occasions when the remake is better than the original. I know that's a far more horrifying concept for some people.


4. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover (1989)

"The wife of an oafish restaurant owner becomes bored with her husband and considers an affair with a regular patron."

The IMDb classifies Peter Greenaway's infamous film as "Crime | Drama | Romance" but with subject matter including bellybutton mutilation, murder and cannibalism, I think they missed a category.


5. Salò (1975)

"Four fascist libertines round up 9 teenages boys and girls and subject them to 120 days of physical, mental and sexual torture."

The IMDb classifies this as "Drama | Thriller | War" even though their own description gives a much greater insight into what the film is really about. It's truly horrible stuff. Don't eat while watching.


6. Last Exit to Brooklyn (1989)

"Taken from Hubert Selby, Jr.'s controversial novel. A gallery of characters in Brooklyn in the 1950s are crushed by their surroundings and selves: a union strike leader discovers he is gay; a prostitute falls in love with one of her clients; a family cannot cope with the fact that their daughter is illegitimately pregnant."

The IMDb classifies one of the most shocking movies you will ever see as "Drama". Not only is it Jennifer Jason Leigh's greatest performance but it's all gritty, hard-hitting stuff which will make you glad that you don't live in the 1950s.


7. Secret Things (2002)

"Two young women find themselves struggling to survive in Paris, street-wise Nathalie, a stripper, and naïve Sandrine, a barmaid. Together, they discover that sex can be used to their advantage, and pleasure."

The IMDb classifies this French filthiness as "Comedy | Drama | Fantasy". Comedy??? I think they must have seen a completely different film to me as this makes the similarly themed "Eyes Wide Shut" (1999) look like a Disney. If rape, incest, suicide and murder doesn't disturb you then you need to watch the next two films as well.


8. Irreversible (2002)

"Events over the course of one traumatic night in Paris unfold in reverse-chronological order as the beautiful Alex is brutally raped and beaten by a stranger in the underpass."

The IMDb classifies this brutality as "Crime | Drama | Mystery". While it's certainly all of those things and a bit too cleverly arty for its own good, this is nauseating stuff. Even a sick puppy like me had to walk away at one point though only to get more Cheetos.


9. The Girl Next Door (2007)

"Based on the Jack Ketchum novel of the same name, The Girl Next Door follows the unspeakable torture and abuses committed on a teenage girl in the care of her aunt...and the boys who witness and fail to report the crime."

The IMDb classifies this as "Crime | Drama | Thriller" but it is so horrific that it makes you wonder how they missed that aspect. Although most of the real nastiness occurs off screen, you know exactly what is going on and it's vile.


10. The Elephant Man (1980)

"A Victorian surgeon rescues a heavily disfigured man who is mistreated while scraping a living as a side-show freak. Behind his monstrous facade, there is revealed a person of intelligence and sensitivity."

The IMDb classifies this moving and tragic story as "Biography | Drama | History" which of course it is but it's still very horrific for a PG-13.


Obviously these aren't all the non-horror movies which should be horror but it's a start. How many more can you think of?

Red White & Blue (2010)

"In Austin, Texas, the lives of three young people Erica, Franki and Nate intertwine in a fateful, tragic way and head down a rocky and violent road to heart-rending oblivion."

I watched this on Netflix last night after several online recommendations but, as much as wanted to be able to write an uber positive review of it, it wasn't very satisfying.

Basically, "Red White & Blue" [sic] was a more dramatic and far less comedic version of "Very Bad Things" (1998) but made as a revenge story with a few horror elements thrown in.

The acting was average, the camerawork was horrible, and the background music was obnoxiously overpowering in places. All the really good, gory bits at the end were too rushed to enjoy which was a shame because, without them, there's not too much of any interest at all.

I suppose the main problem was that it's supposed to be just a bleak drama more than anything else but relied on a selection of characters who were all somewhat underdeveloped. It's a bit arty and cheap looking in a lot of places too which will alienate a lot of potential viewers within the first ten minutes.

If you do intend to watch "Red White & Blue" then there are a couple of revelations here and there which make it somewhat original but, overall, it's as instantly forgettable as "Dark Justice" (2000) which was another film I watched on Netflix with several good moments amid an otherwise disappointing low-budget effort.

I grudgingly recommend "Red White & Blue" simply because once you've run out of the good films to stream on Netflix, it is one of the better independent titles that you are likely to have recommended to you. As someone who has rated 2435 movies and TV shows since joining Netflix two years ago, I don't have much left on their service which I haven't already seen. I expect if you have massive DVD collections too, you'll often feel the same disappointment.

I've rated "Red White & Blue" as "Just Average" even though to some people it may be slightly more and to others considerably less.

A day without Blogger, a day with Roku

Since Blogger was unavailable all day yesterday and most of today (and it appears to have temporarily deleted my review of "Fright"), I watched a load of stuff through the streaming Netflix channel on my new Roku player.

For those who don't know what a Roku player is, check out their website at wwww.roku.com. I've wanted one for ages due to not being able to play Netflix streaming movies on my desktop computer but I was just waiting for a substantial number of horror movies which I'd never seen to become available. Having played with the Roku player for nearly two days now, it's the end of my cable TV subscription. No more annoying commercials for me.

Anyway, here's a quick recap of what I watched which may give you an insight into what happens when a horror movie addict like me first gets a Roku player. It may surprise you because I didn't just watch horror movies.

The Gates
I completely missed this TV series about a gated community of vampires, werewolves, witches and other monsters. Having read that it was cancelled after one season, I wasn't expecting it to be any good so I thought I'd just watch the pilot episode and move on. Unfortunately, it was really good and I ended up watching all the episodes one after another. I don't understand why it was cancelled but the same thing happened to "Firefly", "Farscape", "The Burning Zone", "Invasion" and "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" too and it's very annoying. Why great horror and sci-fi TV shows get axed while all those lame comedies about dopey husbands and nagging wives run for years must be an Illuminati conspiracy or something.

Harper's Island
I've only watched the first episode so far but it seems good in a gory Agatha Christie way.

Where's Jack? (1969)
An old film starring Tommy Steele based on the adventures of Jack Sheppard, the thief and jail-breaker who became a folk hero in 1720s London. I remembered it being better and less embarrassing than it actually was but I still enjoyed it.

High Lane (2009)
I switched this off after less than five minutes because I can't stand dubbed movies. Unfortunately a lot of foreign movies on Netflix are like this probably due to the subtitles not showing up so well with lower quality streams.

Devour (2005)
I've passed on this horror movie a number of times at Big Lots because I thought it was likely to be crap. It turned out to be quite enjoyable and had very good production values so it wasn't a turd at all even though the ending wasn't exactly brilliant.

Mutants (2009)
Surprisingly, this French rip-off of every other zombie/virus movie wasn't dubbed. I fast-forwarded through most of it because it dragged on too long and the lead actress was disappointingly plain. It was all very predictable, and I didn't enjoy any of it after the first couple of kills.

Bones
I hadn't watched any of the fifth season so I started playing catch-up especially now that it's reached its sixth.

Growing Op (2008)
I don't know why I started watching a Canadian comedy-drama about a home-schooled teenager who decided that he wanted to go to a normal high school instead of staying with his cannabis-growing parents, but I got into it because it wasn't too silly and ended up watching it all the way to its surprise ending. It was good, but I don't feel like I got anything out of the experience.

Summer Lovers (1982)
I have no idea what it was about as I skipped through it for the dirty parts and then rated it as 1 out of 5.

The Horseman (2008)
This was an exceptionally gory Australian revenge movie which I absolutely loved. A father goes after a gang of pornographers who drugged, raped and killed his daughter. Some of the action was a bit far-fetched, but it was all really gritty stuff and the torture scenes were very satisfying. I'm not sure what to classify this film as since it really ticked all the "torture porn" boxes. Probably the best way to describe it is as a far more violent and realistic version of "Death Wish". I rated it as 5 out of 5.

House of 9 (2005)
Although it was a little bit like "Cube" and lot like the more recent "Exam", I suppose it could be classed as a psychological horror (or a bit like "Saw 2" but without all the traps). I enjoyed it, but it was far from being the best of its kind. I rated it as 3 of 5 because it was quite good until the stupid ending.

From Paris with Love (2010)
I really had no interest in this light-hearted but nicely violent and low-brow action film, but I enjoyed it for what it was. It's a bit of a throwback to all those '80s buddy cop movies but with secret agents against terrorists. It was all pretty pointless and forgettable, but that can be said of most action films anyway. I gave it 3 out of 5.

En la Cama (2005)
I thought it would be filth but the stream was too fuzzy and the camerawork too annoying so it was another one that I skipped through in about five minutes.

Man, Woman and the Wall (2006)
This one was nothing but a softcore porno with a stupid story round it. I don't watch many Japanese films as it is and I can't say that I paid much attention to this one either. I thought it was going to be a psycho-stalker kind of film but it was a misguided love story as far as I could tell.

Driftwood (2006)
I'd seen this supernatural drama before but I'd forgotten most of what it was about so I watched it again. I suppose you could call it a ghost story, but it wasn't a scary one and some of the acting was really bad. It had that dweebie guy from "Sex and the City" (not that I'd ever admit to watching it) as a prison guard and he was probably the best actor in it. There was also yet another one of those wrestler-turned-actor types who should have stuck with his previous career. I didn't completely hate it even so. I gave it 2 out of 5.

So that's how I spent my time while I couldn't get into Blogger. How did you spend your Friday the 13th?