I've been in America for 5 years!

It just dawned on me as I was walking back through the snow from the 7/11 that I've now been in America for 5 years. I didn't really want to have to endure another Winter, but last year's was so mild that I've decided to take a chance with another one.

I know this has nothing to do with horror movies except that one of my main reasons for swapping countries was the cheapness of horror DVDs compared to the UK at the time, but I just thought I'd share anyway.

During the last 5 years, I've bought 1000s of DVDs, changed jobs half a dozen times, and had a thoroughly disappointing time food-wise. Of course, 99% of my successes and failures have all been because of the recession, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss fish and chips, doner kebabs, and real Indian curries.

Television-wise, I've watched "Eastenders" online, so I haven't missed anything there. With BBC America, I've seen "The Inbetweeners" come and go, gave up on "Doctor Who" once Matt Smith took over from David Tennant, and enjoyed "Mistresses", "Being Human", and not very much else really. I can't stand "Top Gear" or all the constant repeats of "Cash in the Attic", "How Clean Is Your House?", and "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares".

American television has proven itself to be unwatchable with far too many commercial breaks, too much censorship, and any series which I've started to enjoy getting axed. I was really enjoying "The Gates" and "Fringe", but when the former got axed, I gave up on the latter myself. At least I saw the final death throes of "Nip/Tuck" as it happened. Years ago I couldn't comprehend the "I never watch TV" statements on so many MySpace profiles, but now I know why. I haven't watched any TV channel since 2010.

As far as the people who I've met in real life go, I've met a lot of idiots. I won't say that there aren't idiots in England too, but they are a whole new kind of stupid here. Pettiness and preciousness abounds; finicky eaters, ADD, OCD, dyslexia, imaginary ailments, allergies, and just about any other retarded thing someone can claim just to be a pain in the arse. I don't even know where to start with all people with entitlement issues who I've experienced. Suffice it to say that come the zombie apocalypse, they will have quite a shock coming to them. Justice will be served on all the backstabbers too.

I'm not saying that all Americans are bad. I've met one of two good ones. Yes, one or two from hundreds doesn't seem that great, but even the most normal ones can turn out to be complete assholes once you start digging. Only the other day, someone I knew suddenly turned into a gun freak overnight just because he could. On the other hand, I don't know any other Americans who own a gun or would even want to no matter what the constitution allows. It's not as if you can use a gun to defend your property without being charged for attempted or premeditated murder anyway.

The law is king in America. Not everyone wants to sue each other, but it's in the back of their minds that they might just get rich out of it if they are lucky enough to be able to play whatever card is flavour of the month. It's not like the movies though. Most lawsuits end up being a waste of time and money for the "get rich quick" schemers even though the whole process causes a lot of inconvenience for the innocent parties.

Indeed, America really is nothing like the movies. It's like a third-world country in most places. The divide between the very rich and the very poor is increasing every day. If you have a job, no matter how pitiful, you're one of the lucky few nowadays. Your employers will treat you like a slave and can legally fire you without warning if they simply don't like the colour of your socks one day which is a huge culture shock for Brits who get caught up in such foolishness.

Things we take for granted in England such as the human right to free speech are constitutional and conditional in America. You can't just say what you want because someone somewhere will be offended by it and make you out to be the bad guy even if you are telling the truth. You have to be a hypocrite to survive. Lies and liars are everywhere. For an honest person, America is like being in a hellish mental asylum where nobody plays by the rules.

There are some good things in America. Monster energy drinks are great, cigarettes are cheap (especially if you roll your own), and McDonald's is, of course, fantastic. Bread is horrible everywhere, but that doesn't matter if you only eat McNuggets and fries. If you are too poor to afford real food, Ramen Noodles and bananas are ridiculously inexpensive. Oh God, I love Ramen Noodles!

There's no class system in America. No airs and graces to put on. There aren't many educated people either because education means loans which will take you the rest of your life to pay back. The same thing has happened in Britain since the time when we all got free student grants, so there's no big difference now.

Another good thing is that no matter how poor you are, the chances are that you will still have TV, the internet, DVDs, and food (of some kind) in your belly. You could even buy your own house for $20,000 if you want a fixer-upper although it probably wouldn't be anywhere nice. Nobody will look down on you for being poor because everybody is only one paycheck away from welfare. You can cut your coat according to its cloth. Yard sales and pawn shops can provide you with more material possessions for next to nothing than in any other country in the world due to the oversaturated electronics market and wastefulness. If you don't mind last year's technology, you can easily live the American dream.

Bear in mind that you can never get sick in America. That's not because as a Brit you are legally obliged to get injected against every disease known to man before you are allowed a visa, but because America has no National Health Service unless you are on the poverty line. Dentists charge twice as much (or more) than Britain, and even a visit to the doctor will be half an average week's wages if you have to buy some pills as well. There are a lot of people who are financially crippled by medical debts which is an absolute abomination in the 21st century. On the plus side, you'll probably die of the medical profession's Victorian practices before you ever have to pay your bills anyway.

America is at least 100 years behind in its standard of healthcare so, if you are a Brit, it's best to take a flight home if you discover anything major going wrong inside you. If the thought of choosing which leg your can afford to have amputated or how many fingers you can afford to have sewn back on in case you get involved in an accident terrifies you, America can provide that nightmare.

I'm sure you'll get the impression that I hate America if I continue so I'll stop this ramble here. Truly, I wouldn't wish some aspects of this country on my worst enemy (actually, yes, I would and far more besides), but DVDs are cheap, some of the girls are better groomed, and there are lots of cats.

I haven't been a success in America. I've stayed here a lot longer than I intended to and frittered away the last 5 years on nothing worthwhile. Yeah, I fixed several computers, fed some people, and saved a few cats from death row, but nothing more. I probably entertained some people with my blog in this imaginary world of the internet, but even that's debatable.

The Tall Man (2012)

"When her child goes missing, a mother looks to unravel the legend of the Tall Man, an entity who allegedly abducts children."

Don't you just hate reviews which start with "From the director of" and then proceed to recount all the details of the director's previous works as if that will make any difference to any opinion of their latest offering? I hate that too, but, in this case, I do think it's necessary to mention that, of course, Pascal Laugier also directed "Martyrs" (2008) and "House of Voices" (2004) as I have noticed a slight pattern forming with these movies, and it isn't something good.

To cut a long story short and probably spoil "The Tall Man" before you've even seen it, what is the deal with Pascal Laugier and all these films about children? In "House of Voices", it was all about ghostly orphans, "Martyrs" gave us kidnapped and tortured children, and now "The Tall Man" is all about the little brats disappearing for yet another reason.

Let me just remind everybody that I cannot stand any movies about children, movies starring children or meant for children, or, basically, anything to do with children in general. I hate kids, I have no paternal instincts whatsoever, and I'd rather have a house full of adult cats who I treat as cats rather than little "fur babies". So can you possibly imagine how disappointed I was by "The Tall Man" when the story turned out not to be about the "Slenderman" who abducts and tortures children?

Although the odds were against it with "The Tall Man" being Canadian and having an R-rating, I wanted this to be sicker than "A Serbian Film" (2010) or "Salò" (1975), but obviously without the paedophilia because that doesn't float my boat. What I wanted was something like an adult version of "The Witches" (1990) but with more extreme torture and death. Alas, it was not to be.

If you don't want any spoilers, stop reading now!

"I smell... dogs' droppings."

In spite of borrowing heavily from the "Slenderman" myth and spooky computer game to create a few visual red herrings, "The Tall Man" turned out to be a thriller with two twists which put it almost into the M. Night Shyamalan category of dramatic nastiness. I'm not an M. Night Shyamalan hater apart from loathing his more recent films, and I hasten to add that the key word in the previous sentence was "almost". As a movie, rather than specifically a horror movie, "The Tall Man" was actually pretty good. It also wasn't anything to do with the shitty "Phantasm" franchise.

Coming to it after just watching Rob Zombie's "Halloween II", I was impressed by the run down, recession hit look and atmosphere of the Canadian mining town which was obviously doubling for America. Everything looks like that where I live so the reality pleased me. Whereas Rob Zombie had his own agenda for using white trash characters, you can be sure that Pascal Laugier (like most Europeans) was definitely including some major social commentary here. I'm not going to spoil it for you too much because it's actually the motivation of the main characters and a very weak link in the plot, but if you take the idea that people who can't afford pets shouldn't have them and upgrade it to people, then you'll get the idea.

The acting was very good with Jessica Biel really standing out. I haven't seen many of her films, and I think she may have a reputation for not actually being that great, but she was fantastic in "The Tall Man". Ultimately, "The Tall Man" was her "vehicle", as they say.

I was very impressed by Jessica Biel's action scenes even though the aftermath of a few of them wasn't all that realistic. Her lack of make-up, or rather her lack of glamorous make-up, seemed to increase her screen presence as I found myself able to concentrate more on what she was showing rather than what she was trying to hide, if you know what I mean. The increasing number of scrapes, gashes and other wounds her character sustained pleased me even more. Some of those make-up effects were done very well indeed.

I didn't particularly care about any of the other characters, least of all the oddly mute girl played by Jodelle Ferland who, obviously, is no stranger to real horror films. Having her do the narration was a little bit weird, but the reason was revealed at the end.

Other recognisable faces included the now very old-looking "Cigarette Smoking Man" from "The X-Files" TV series, and Stephen McHattie who appeared to be channelling a slightly younger version of Lance Henriksen in an attempt to shake off his minor role as Hollis Mason in "Watchmen" (2009). I'm tempted to think that Pascal Laugier must have been a huge Chris Carter fan as "The Tall Man" reeked of "The X-Files" and "Millennium" right down to its British Columbia filming location.

As a movie with some quite unexpected twists, I was entertained by "The Tall Man" even though the final reveal of his identity and motivation was very weak. I was kind of hoping that he would turn out to be Jeff Goldblum just so that I could make some feeble joke, but, unfortunately, Pascal Laugier already beat me to the punchline with his lacklustre ending.

I'm going to rate "The Tall Man" as slightly above average. It's not really a horror movie, but it did have several reworked tropes taken from the horror genre in it. The similarity of the setting to the "Slender" game, which I've included a video about below, really made this a bit of a naughty cheat in the same way that "The Mothman Prophecies" (2002) also promised much more for horror fans than it delivered.



Have you seen "The Tall Man" yet? What did you think of it? Let me know in the comments below.