My Top Ten Most Traumatising Kids' TV Shows

I'm not sure if it's because of my recent scathing review of "Brazil", my "Ghost Stories for Christmas" series, or that I published a guest post, but I've lost three blog followers in the last week. I know that I'm not the greatest writer in the world, but give me a break here! At least I'm trying to come up with something in the midst of the horror famine.

As much as I loathe trips to nostalgia-land even during this traditional time for reflection, and I don't want to compete with Kindertrauma which does it so much better, I know how you all love top ten lists, so here's something I knocked up as a bit of fun. Christmas is for kids anyway, but traumatising them is something that can be done all year long.


1. Doctor Who (1963-present)

I'm too old now to be scared by any of the current "Doctor Who" monsters, but there are still several of them which I wouldn't want to meet down a dark alley. When I was a child, it was a different story. I was absolutely terrified of the Cybermen for some reason, I think it has more to do with what is involved in their creation than their really cool appearance, but I do remember an episode where Adric's gold star was crushed into the respirator of one of them which gave me the heebies all the way through. Sontarans, Davros, and even the Master (when he was all bubbly and rotting) also gave me enough reasons to soil myself. To this day, anyone unfortunate enough to look a bit squishy in real life just creeps me out.


2. Rupert the Bear (1969)

The whole thing was just weird, but the little birdy-creature called Raggety used to freak me right out especially when just its head appeared during the opening titles. This and the lenticular World Wildlife Fund card I had of an aye-aye made me wet the bed more than once.


3. Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons (1967)

Puppets are scary anyway, but don't go thinking that it was the "supermarionation" or even the zombified Captain Black who upset me. No, it was the voice of the Mysterons at the beginning which had me screaming like a 3 year old. It was probably a good job that I was a 3 year old at the time or I would have been really embarrassed. I wasn't even born when this was made, so damn you ITV for showing re-runs!


4. Chorlton and the Wheelies (1976)

Fenella the Welsh witch. 'Nuff said. Looking back on it, I think the whole thing was dodgy, and I still don't know what the Hell was going on in any of the episodes. Surrealism and talking dog-things bother me. I think Chorlton was supposed to be a dragon, but it's hard to tell when you are crying with fear.


5. The Feathered Serpent (1976)

I have no idea what this ITV drama was about other than Aztecs because I never made it through the opening sequence with all the screaming and skulls to be able to find out. I'll have to watch it eventually because now I know that Diane Keen was in it, and I had a huge crush on her.


6. Worzel Gummidge (1979)

Given his appearance, you would think that a living scarecrow was the most terrifying thing possible, but I liked Jon Pertwee and didn't find him scary at all. Much more sinister was The Crowman played by Geoffrey Bayldon who looked like a Victorian undertaker. I couldn't even bring myself to lust over Una Stubbs as Aunt Sally if The Crowman appeared in an episode.


7. Charley Says (1970)

As a Public Information Film, "Charley Says" was supposed to put the fear of God into kids anyway, but what really horrified me was the little boy, his scratchy voice, and... ugh... the terrible things which happened to Charley the cat.


8. Lonely Water (1973)

Another often repeated Public Information Film which you just have to watch on YouTube at some point to understand the trauma that it caused a whole generation. The combination of a menacing black-robed figure and the chilling voiceover from Donald Pleasence made sure that kids never went near water again. Yes, we all stunk!


9. The Ghosts of Motley Hall (1976)

I know it was meant to be a comedy, but the opening titles and music set the scene for something potentially a lot worse than Arthur English's jokes.


10. Kinder (1980)

Finally, not a TV show but a commercial that used to appear when people least expected it. Even though I was old enough to not be terrified, I'm sure the Humpty Dumpty from the Kinder Surprise adverts damaged some people. I used to do impersonations of "The Kinder Man" at school because I thought it was cool. Maybe it was my way of compensating since he was almost a Sontaran.


What did you see on TV that freaked you out when you were a kid?

King of the Castle (1977)

There are some TV programmes from my childhood which I thought I'd only imagined even though I fondly remembered important parts of them. On the other hand, there are quite a few which I wish really did only exist in my imagination because watching them as an adult makes me cringe. HTV's "King of the Castle" has a foot in both camps because, having spent a few hours today rewatching it, it's not something that I ever want to see again.

If you've never heard of "King of the Castle", here's the blurb from Amazon:

Macabre, fantastical and a benchmark production for children's television in the 1970s, King of the Castle was created by Doctor Who stalwarts Bob Baker and Dave Martin as one of the run of outstanding children's dramas HTV produced in that decade. Featuring strong direction and a script which expertly melds fantasy and reality, the series boasts solid performances from genre stalwarts Fulton Mackay, Milton Johns and Talfryn Thomas as well as Philip Da Costa as the series' hero, Roland. One of the most memorable television series of the '70s is available here, for the very first time in any video format. Episode three no longer exists in the archive in any format and the version included on this set is taken from an off-air VHS.

I'm not sure what I was looking for on YouTube when I discovered that the whole "King of the Castle' series had been uploaded by several people, but I was in one of those moods where I randomly click on the recommended videos until I end up watching some very strange channels indeed. Before I found "King of the Castle", I'd been watching highly embarrassing episodes of "Grange Hill", "Chocky" and "The Tomorrow People" and feeling dirty about doing so. If there's anyone of a similar age to me who didn't see at least one of those when they were originally shown then they probably didn't have a television.

Since I didn't recognise the title of "King of the Castle", all I remembered from the series to identify it was that the kid who got beaten up by bullies had a model kit of Frankenstein's monster, and somehow he ended up in a dungeon ruled by some ratty-looking guy who told him to always go up if he wanted to escape. What I'd forgotten was how the story was filled with clever socio-political subtext and commentary which I'm ashamed to say that I still don't quite understand even as an adult.

The big messages of the fantasy part of "King of the Castle" are apparently that work is pointless, comfort and ignorance is bliss, and there's too much bureaucracy in the world. There's a lot of Oedipal stuff going on too whereby the hero, Roland, has to take his father's role by force and has a crush of some kind on his stepmother. The latter doesn't surprise me in the slightest since Angela Richards, who plays the dual role of June and the Lady, is absolutely gorgeous.

Very recognisable faces include Fulton Mackay (the prison officer from "Porridge") as a Frankenstein-style scientist, Milton Johns as his monster, creepy Talfryn Thomas as the ratty-looking caretaker, and Jamie Foreman (who now plays Derek Branning in "Eastenders") as Ripper the bully. Bizarrely, I didn't recognise the lead, Philip Da Costa, as being the same guy who went on to play Jackson in "Scum" (1979).

In spite of the badly-timed, obviously stagey acting, and cheap sets which look better than the cardboard and curtains that they are really made of, "King of the Castle" isn't a bad piece of kids' entertainment for the time. Unfortunately, as a grown-up, I can see that it's really just a slightly darker, and very British, rip-off of "The Wizard of Oz" with the genders of the protagonists changed. Both nostos stories go back to Homer's "The Odyssey" anyway, but let's not get too highbrow about them.

One thing which really irritated me, perhaps because I've been away from Britain for so long, was the choirboy singing the "I'm the king of the castle, and you're a dirty rascal" theme tune which is full of the mispronounced "Estuary English" which I despise. It sounds like "I'm the king of the CARsul, and you're a dirty RARscul". Ugh. I hate that and "BARth" instead of "bath", "GLARss" instead of "glass", and the "someFINK" instead of "something" which even Gordon Ramsay has fallen prey too. I've always noticed it, but maybe it doesn't show up so much when you are constantly surrounded by it or you're a bit thick.

I don't recommend "King of the Castle" although I've embedded it as a playlist at the top of this post. It's not an accurate reflection of life in Britain in the late 1970s or anything, and it's certainly not scary for anyone over 7 years old. If you are into nostalgia, it's interesting to see a "Hammer Horror" magazine and a "Howard the Duck" comic at one point, but that's about it really.

Isn't it funny what you can find on YouTube when you are looking for something else? If only I could remember the name of that weird poltergeist story with a load of cushions flying around a room which I caught the last five minutes of. Whatever it was that left the image of someone tied to a chair with a washing line and a bottle of Sarson's malt vinegar stuck in their mouth is another matter.

I've been in America for 5 years!

It just dawned on me as I was walking back through the snow from the 7/11 that I've now been in America for 5 years. I didn't really want to have to endure another Winter, but last year's was so mild that I've decided to take a chance with another one.

I know this has nothing to do with horror movies except that one of my main reasons for swapping countries was the cheapness of horror DVDs compared to the UK at the time, but I just thought I'd share anyway.

During the last 5 years, I've bought 1000s of DVDs, changed jobs half a dozen times, and had a thoroughly disappointing time food-wise. Of course, 99% of my successes and failures have all been because of the recession, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss fish and chips, doner kebabs, and real Indian curries.

Television-wise, I've watched "Eastenders" online, so I haven't missed anything there. With BBC America, I've seen "The Inbetweeners" come and go, gave up on "Doctor Who" once Matt Smith took over from David Tennant, and enjoyed "Mistresses", "Being Human", and not very much else really. I can't stand "Top Gear" or all the constant repeats of "Cash in the Attic", "How Clean Is Your House?", and "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares".

American television has proven itself to be unwatchable with far too many commercial breaks, too much censorship, and any series which I've started to enjoy getting axed. I was really enjoying "The Gates" and "Fringe", but when the former got axed, I gave up on the latter myself. At least I saw the final death throes of "Nip/Tuck" as it happened. Years ago I couldn't comprehend the "I never watch TV" statements on so many MySpace profiles, but now I know why. I haven't watched any TV channel since 2010.

As far as the people who I've met in real life go, I've met a lot of idiots. I won't say that there aren't idiots in England too, but they are a whole new kind of stupid here. Pettiness and preciousness abounds; finicky eaters, ADD, OCD, dyslexia, imaginary ailments, allergies, and just about any other retarded thing someone can claim just to be a pain in the arse. I don't even know where to start with all people with entitlement issues who I've experienced. Suffice it to say that come the zombie apocalypse, they will have quite a shock coming to them. Justice will be served on all the backstabbers too.

I'm not saying that all Americans are bad. I've met one of two good ones. Yes, one or two from hundreds doesn't seem that great, but even the most normal ones can turn out to be complete assholes once you start digging. Only the other day, someone I knew suddenly turned into a gun freak overnight just because he could. On the other hand, I don't know any other Americans who own a gun or would even want to no matter what the constitution allows. It's not as if you can use a gun to defend your property without being charged for attempted or premeditated murder anyway.

The law is king in America. Not everyone wants to sue each other, but it's in the back of their minds that they might just get rich out of it if they are lucky enough to be able to play whatever card is flavour of the month. It's not like the movies though. Most lawsuits end up being a waste of time and money for the "get rich quick" schemers even though the whole process causes a lot of inconvenience for the innocent parties.

Indeed, America really is nothing like the movies. It's like a third-world country in most places. The divide between the very rich and the very poor is increasing every day. If you have a job, no matter how pitiful, you're one of the lucky few nowadays. Your employers will treat you like a slave and can legally fire you without warning if they simply don't like the colour of your socks one day which is a huge culture shock for Brits who get caught up in such foolishness.

Things we take for granted in England such as the human right to free speech are constitutional and conditional in America. You can't just say what you want because someone somewhere will be offended by it and make you out to be the bad guy even if you are telling the truth. You have to be a hypocrite to survive. Lies and liars are everywhere. For an honest person, America is like being in a hellish mental asylum where nobody plays by the rules.

There are some good things in America. Monster energy drinks are great, cigarettes are cheap (especially if you roll your own), and McDonald's is, of course, fantastic. Bread is horrible everywhere, but that doesn't matter if you only eat McNuggets and fries. If you are too poor to afford real food, Ramen Noodles and bananas are ridiculously inexpensive. Oh God, I love Ramen Noodles!

There's no class system in America. No airs and graces to put on. There aren't many educated people either because education means loans which will take you the rest of your life to pay back. The same thing has happened in Britain since the time when we all got free student grants, so there's no big difference now.

Another good thing is that no matter how poor you are, the chances are that you will still have TV, the internet, DVDs, and food (of some kind) in your belly. You could even buy your own house for $20,000 if you want a fixer-upper although it probably wouldn't be anywhere nice. Nobody will look down on you for being poor because everybody is only one paycheck away from welfare. You can cut your coat according to its cloth. Yard sales and pawn shops can provide you with more material possessions for next to nothing than in any other country in the world due to the oversaturated electronics market and wastefulness. If you don't mind last year's technology, you can easily live the American dream.

Bear in mind that you can never get sick in America. That's not because as a Brit you are legally obliged to get injected against every disease known to man before you are allowed a visa, but because America has no National Health Service unless you are on the poverty line. Dentists charge twice as much (or more) than Britain, and even a visit to the doctor will be half an average week's wages if you have to buy some pills as well. There are a lot of people who are financially crippled by medical debts which is an absolute abomination in the 21st century. On the plus side, you'll probably die of the medical profession's Victorian practices before you ever have to pay your bills anyway.

America is at least 100 years behind in its standard of healthcare so, if you are a Brit, it's best to take a flight home if you discover anything major going wrong inside you. If the thought of choosing which leg your can afford to have amputated or how many fingers you can afford to have sewn back on in case you get involved in an accident terrifies you, America can provide that nightmare.

I'm sure you'll get the impression that I hate America if I continue so I'll stop this ramble here. Truly, I wouldn't wish some aspects of this country on my worst enemy (actually, yes, I would and far more besides), but DVDs are cheap, some of the girls are better groomed, and there are lots of cats.

I haven't been a success in America. I've stayed here a lot longer than I intended to and frittered away the last 5 years on nothing worthwhile. Yeah, I fixed several computers, fed some people, and saved a few cats from death row, but nothing more. I probably entertained some people with my blog in this imaginary world of the internet, but even that's debatable.

AMC vs TCM - the October horror schedules

Even though true horror fans all have huge horror DVD collections (plus subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu, VuDu, and God knows what else), for most casual American viewers and "normal" people, October's horror movie selection will either be a choice of AMC's Fearfest or Turner Classic Movies. Nobody except little kids still watches the SyFy channel or Chiller TV, do they?

When I was living in the UK, I was always envious of the horror movie marathons which were available in the US. We were only likely to get a horror movie (usually something by Hammer or Amicus) if Hallowe'en fell on a Friday or Saturday. The BBC and Channel Four had their moments, of course, but until Sky TV and Zone Horror upped the ante by repeatedly showing a load of crap, Hallowe'en usually involved an expensive trip to Blockbuster.

You can say what you like about mainstream American television, its overload of commercials and its hypocritical censorship, but you still can't beat it if you are too lazy to keep swapping DVDs over. With the recession not really showing any signs of improvement, AMC and TCM have offered a very fine selection of classic horror movies for those of us who are also cheapskates.

Here are the schedules (after the jump break) which I've reformatted so that they are easier to print out and tick off as you watch the movies on them.

The Ghosts of Motley Hall (1976-1978)

"The series relates the adventures of 5 ghosts who haunt Motley Hall. Each ghost is from a different era and all with the exception of Matt are unable to leave the confines of the building and Matt himself is unable to travel outside the grounds of the Hall."

I just thought I'd post this little piece of nostalgia from my childhood up as I'm sure that there are some people who have never even heard of "The Ghosts of Motley Hall".

It used to be on ITV on Sunday afternoons when I was far too young to really understand it but I watched it anyway. I think it must have helped to warp me into what I am today.

Some of you may recognise Arthur English as Bodkin since he was also in "Are You Being Served" which appears to have a huge American following for reasons which I can't quite fathom. Maybe it's all about Molly Sugden's use of the word "Pussy" and the hilarity which ensues.

Freddie Jones was another very recognisable face from films and TV, but the real big player was Sheila Steafel in the role of The White Lady. I honestly can't even tell today if she was actually pretty or just pretty scary but, either way, she was my favourite character in the series.

I didn't like any of the other actors particularly and absolutely hated the stableboy, Matt, for possibly no other reason than his Northern accent. Being a Southerner tended to create that prejudice in England and I've never really got over it.

Anyway, since some kind soul has uploaded all the episodes of "The Ghosts of Motley Hall" onto YouTube, there's quite a lot there to entertain you should you be in the mood for some rather juvenile British comedy.

The scenario is much like "Beetlejuice" (without the titular character) and even more like a comedic version of "American Horror Story" if you think about it. I wonder if either of those productions was inspired by this one?

American Horror Story

"American Horror Story" premiered last night on FX, and so I'm interrupting my scheduled blogging to give you my thoughts on the first episode.

Basically, I thought it was good. It's going to take a while to really pick up, but it's already got a "Twin Peaks" feel to it for me. I can see it lasting for at least one season and possibly even two. The haters are already saying that it won't last for five episodes before it gets axed. but we shall see.

The pace was very fast. The biggest flaw to this "pilot" episode was that it tried to pack too much and too many characters in at once, but I'm sure that it will even out over time. Obviously, the intention was to appeal to the largest audience as quickly as possible so there were definitely a lot of clichéd ghost story formulas including a recognisably Amityville-style curse and some noticeable borrowing from "The Shining".

Of course, it was derivative as hell, the special effects were very much TV quality, and the dialogue reeked of "Nip/Tuck" due to who the creators are, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. The sets and make-up were outstanding so it certainly looked the part.

The story itself was a bit messy, not all that scary or horrific either, but I can see all that changing as the characters start getting more fleshed out and it becomes possible to care about them. I'm not sure if I will care much about all the relationship problems which are going to keep cropping up (especially with the teenage daughter who seemed to be little more than a female version of Matt McNamara), but the acting and characterisation is likely to carry this along just like "Nip/Tuck". We all know how that series had some of the most preposterous storylines ever.

Although I wish that I could now unsee Dylan McDermott cranking (and I think I've seen enough of his bare buttocks for a lifetime too), I'm certainly going to keep tuning in each week for Moira the sexy housekeeper. It goes without saying that I prefer the younger model played by Alexandra Breckenridge (above). It's a neat twist that everyone else apart from Ben (Dylan McDermott) sees her as the scarier-looking Frances Conroy.

One thing I picked up on, but many people wouldn't have noticed, was that the psycho teenager played by Evan Peters (from the much lamented "Invasion") was introduced with "Georgie's Theme" from "Twisted Nerve" (1968). Some people might recognise the whistling from "Kill Bill" as it was used there too, but the intended "pop-culture reference" wasn't wasted on me.

It was also nice to see Jessica Lange in something again. I last saw her in "Hush" (1998) which wasn't a good film and, unfortunately, she seemed to be playing much the same pushy, Southern role here. I just hope that her kleptomaniac character becomes far more deliciously evil as there were huge hints that she will.

The biggest name in this appears to be Connie Britton, but I've never seen her in anything other than the very disappointing "Nightmare on Elm Street" remake so I'm not sure what all the fuss is about with her yet. She's acting a good part (albeit channelling Joely Richardson's delivery without the bulging-eyed, gasping face), but I'm not liking her "eco-friendly" character too much especially as it has already been revealed that she's got a very kinky sex-life going on with her gimped-up husband which is far more interesting.

Anyway, if you missed both showings of "American Horror Story" last night, don't worry because I'm sure FX will repeat this episode again next week before the new one.

You can also check out the Facebook page and official website for more details.