Ex Machina (2015)

"A young programmer is selected to participate in a breakthrough experiment in artificial intelligence by evaluating the human qualities of a breathtaking female A.I."

If you are looking for a really talky but R-rated version of Steven Spielberg's "A.I. Artificial Intelligence" (2001), or just want to see Kike Maíllo's far superior "Eva" (2011) rehashed with a couple of different twists, "Ex Machina" is for you.

It's not that "Ex Machina" is a bad movie per se, since the camerawork is great, the sets and effects are perfect, and the acting is totally convincing. It's just that there isn't really a lot to this extremely slow-moving sci-fi, and there isn't enough of anything apart from some brief nudity and a nifty disco-dancing routine to make it memorable. It's definitely more of a drama than anything else, and like "Maggie", it makes you wonder if the story and its tropes couldn't have been played out on a purely human level without any gimmicks.

Why make the robot a beautiful girl? Why make her sexual? All that is explained in the dialogue at some length, and it's important to the plot, but I'm sure that the fauxminists will still bitch and whine about this aspect to get pageviews. Good luck to them. Nobody cares. It's only another movie with no deep and meaningful political agenda unless someone wants to make more out of it than they should. And sadly, with over 300 external reviews of "Ex Machina" currently posted on the IMDb, I know that at least one person already has done. Pathetic.

Obviously, Alicia Vikander almost steals the show as the beautiful robot Ava, but it's fair to say that Domhnall Gleeson (as Caleb) and Oscar Isaac (as Nathan) hold up well against her. In fact, the double-twist makes the whole ménage à trois (albeit with some minor characters) worthwhile. It's very predictable in the the way that you kind of expect what happens to happen but not in the way it does, and most people probably won't see the ending coming. In that respect, the story is very well played indeed.

Directed and written by Alex Garland (of "28 Days Later" and "Dredd" fame), what "Ex Machina" lacks in originality, it makes up for in uncluttered calmness and downplayed spectacle. There's even a bit of sexual tension here and there but not too much. Kids could watch this. They won't understand most of it, of course, but an R-rating seems unnecessarily harsh. Oh wait, it's America, so healthy nudity is the most heinous evil ever and violent death is perfectly acceptable. I get it now.

In short, "Ex Machina" is another robot with artificial intelligence movie but is none the worse for that. The better robot movie is still "Eva", and "Bicentennial Man" (1999) is arguably the emotional best, but "Ex Machina" is a competent addition to the sci-fi genre.

Recommended for a rainy Sci-Fi Saturday night.

Farm House (2008)

(AKA "Farmhouse")



"Farmhouse is a psychological thriller set in the modern day mid-west. We follow a young couple as they leave their everyday lives behind and head out to a new beginning; starting over from scratch. After becoming stranded in an isolated vineyard in the middle of nowhere, the young couple is forced to face the secrets they're running from, all the while trying to escape the malicious intent of the vineyard's mysterious inhabitants."

Here's a blast from the past. Other than the gory torture scenes, I'd completely forgotten about this little gem until I was reading through one of my subreddits and realised that I ought to watch it again. How I forgot to review it is another story, but the end of 2008 and early 2009 wasn't the greatest time for me, and I had far more important things on my mind.

Anyway, having decided to rewatch "Farm House" to refresh my memory, at first I thought, "How many more times is 'Voices' (1973) going to be remade?" Of course, the plot isn't exactly the same, but there are many parallels in the first 30 minutes which should lead you to suspect an equivalent twist ending.

"Farm House" isn't a predictable ghost story though. The majority of the movie is a psychological thriller with extreme torture elements. I know that part of the horror genre has fallen out of favour and died away to nothing, but at the time it was great, especially when coupled with such mean-spiritedness and Kelly Hu being sexy as Hell (pun intended)! It's not that Jamie Anne Allman isn't beautiful in this too, but Kelly Hu is something else! The scene between the two of them involving a cheese grater will haunt you long after this movie ends, and you'll probably never look at a meat thermometer in the same way ever again either!

The acting is superb all round, although Steven Weber's psycho Samael eclipses William Lee Scott's not-quite-heroic Chad and Nick Heyman's valiant attempt at portraing the deaf Alal. The characters are stereotypes to some extent, and clichés abound, but there's actually depth to their characterisation which doesn't happen so much nowadays. How things have gone downhill in only 5 years!

As for the story, it's hard to tell you anything about it without spoiling it for you. Obviously, I don't mind giving spoilers for bad movies, but I prefer to keep them to a minimum for good ones. Suffice it to say that "Farm House" is pretty harrowing stuff and makes director George Bessudo's previous movie "Lake Dead" (2007) seem tame in comparison. If you look up the plot outlines, there are some superficial similarities between the two, of course, but it's like comparing apples to oranges. Everything (including the location, cinematography, and talent) is superior in "Farm House" to anything that was part of the After Dark Horrorfests.

Yes, I know I was going to stick to more "Hallowe'eny" movies this month, but my cunning plan has already been scuppered by a ton of new DVD and VOD releases. I don't suppose it matters much. Any horror movie is good this month, right? But if you want to see something truly horrific, I recommend that you grab yourself a copy of "Farm House" as soon as possible. The "Twilight Zone"-esque reveal goes on for a few minutes too long, but I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Another one for "The Vault".

uwantme2killhim? (2013)

"A teenage boy's descent into the dangerous world of the Internet and the harrowing consequences of his actions. A true story."

Based on a news story originally published by Vanity Fair, "uwantme2killhim?" is the off-putting txt-speak title of Andrew Douglas' somewhat flawed dramatisation. It's written like that for reasons which will become obvious (except that spaces are used in the chat room scene), but those of us of a certain age who have never succumbed to typing like an idiot are more likely to pass this movie by as something which is meant for teenagers. That's a real shame too, since there's a semi-decent psychological thriller lurking within.

It's not the best movie in the world (it looks like a cheap British soap opera), but "uwantme2killhim?" tries hard to present a true story which is far stranger than fiction in an entertaining manner. Artistic licence intentionally prevents you from seeing the whole picture until the end, and depending on how much you think the story could have been more realistic, you will probably still agree that it's quite cleverly done. For anyone taking the movie at face value, however, the ending will feel like an enormous cheat.

The biggest problem though, other than changing the names, ages, and location to protect the not-so-innocent, is that the characters feel "wrong" in every scene. It's not just the clichés, everything they do and say reeks of fakery. To some extent it's intentional, but a lot of it is simply because the casting is questionable and the acting stinks. Not knowing how much is meant to be one way or the other until after the movie ends would be metafiction genius if handled better, but it's more likely to throw you out of the story than draw you in.

Who cut your hair? Dewhursts?

It isn't an issue that the characters talk to their computer screens as they type their words into a chatroom, we've all done that before. One character uses speech recognition software anyway, but it's easy to accept the movie convention when the others are clearly not using Microsoft NetMeeting or the yet to be invented Skype. I remember using Microsoft NetMeeting and a webcam at the end of the '90s, so the use of 2003 technology is spot-on otherwise. If you're feeling nostalgic for 2003, this is about as good as it gets without watching a movie which was actually made then.

Similarly, the school scenes may seem contrived and particularly horrible, but they are awkwardly realistic and familiar too for some bizarre reason which I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it's because I've tried to forgot what it was like to be a very British teenager. The sad truth is that we're all complete dicks between 14-18 (and older!) with no exceptions, and I can recognise a lot of myself and my former school friends in the characters. Not that we were teenagers in the 2000s, but some things are universal. For the sake of not committing libel, all I can say is that we were some vile and immature little buggers.

While Channel 4's much shorter docu-drama version, "Kill Me If You Can" (2005), is slightly better overall, "uwantme2killhim?" isn't a bad "remake". Andrew Douglas' "The Amityville Horror" (2005) wasn't as strong as the original either, but as he's hardly a prolific director, maybe it's too early to say if there's a pattern forming.

Eva (2011)

"A shy genius is employed by his former university to design robot software."

Although "Eva" is really sci-fi, I needed something for "Fantasy Friday", and it fits this category too. In fact, it's closer to being a "Frankenstein"-esque fairytale than anything else, and for those of you who've noticed a theme going on this month, yes, it's another beautiful Spanish movie. I've been watching more foreign movies recently than ever before due to the lack of decent English language titles, but that will change again next week because I haven't got many new ones left.

Not to be confused with Peter Dickinson's YA novel of the same name (which I know you've never heard of!), "Eva" is about robots rather than chimpanzees, but it still brings up the same questions about life, consciousness, and what makes us what we are. The subject matter is a staple of sci-fi books and movies, so it's not the most original story in the world, and there are similarities to "Bicentennial Man" (1999) and "A.I. Artificial Intelligence" (2001).

I'm not going to knock the big Hollywood robot movies which are obviously excellent, but I enjoyed "Eva" just as much as "Bicentennial Man" and more than "A.I. Artificial Intelligence". Apart from a twist which I didn't see coming (but should have done!), there's a cat robot in "Eva" which is outstanding, plus I'm kind of in lust with Marta Etura who plays Lana. If you don't know who she is, check out "Sleep Tight" (2011) and "Los Últimos Días" (2013).

Marta Etura and Claudia Vega.

Detractors may say that "Eva" is too slow, overuses long shots, and the characters don't have much depth, but I disagree. There are no pacing problems, and the cinematography is very good indeed. The characters could have been fleshed out a little bit more, especially in the case of Alex Garel (played by Daniel Brühl) who is a bit boring even for a scientist, but there's enough made of them to tell the story. Bearing in mind that a 20 minute prologue (which is included on the Spanish Blu-ray) was removed to give more emphasis to the twist, the characters weren't originally so flat.

As "Eva" isn't set that far ahead in the future, there aren't too many weird effects used except at the robot lab and every time Alex runs his computer program. Some people may find that disappointing, but I didn't. Less is more, as they say, and the snowy location covers a multitude of sins. There are plenty of robots if you look for them including little horses, dogs, more traditional machines, and, of course, the cute prototype 519. Channelling Robin Williams slightly, Lluís Homar undoubtedly steals the show as creepy servant-robot Max. His menace is a total red herring though and is completely unintentional. In this movie, it's the "free robots" that you have to be careful of.

Claudia Vega as Eva.

Horror fans will notice several similarities to "Splice" (2009) but without the incestuous implications. Claudia Vega who plays Eva isn't as sexualised as some reviewers suggest despite a couple of scenes which might make you wonder. If anything, she comes across like a nicer version of the little girl in "Sleep Tight", and her use of age-inappropriate dialogue is meant as a clue to her secret instead of turning her into another Esther from "Orphan" (2009). I can't say any more about that without spoiling the movie for you, but it doesn't take a genius to work it out.

According to a rumour on the IMDb, the Weinsteins will be distributing "Eva" in the USA later this year. In what format, I have no idea, but I expect there will be a dubbed version for the hard of understanding, and an inevitable Hollywood remake eventually. For now, I recommend importing the English subtitled Blu-ray from Amazon.

The Eves (2012)

"A Spring Break beach trip turns into a waking nightmare in this indie shocker based on true events. When car troubles lead a group of students to seek shelter in an abandoned lodge, dark forces emerge and blood is spilled."

Ever watched a horror movie just because of the picture on the DVD cover? Yeah, me too, all the time. That's how I ended up watching "The Eves" after promising to only watch good movies from now on. Oh well, as far as slasher clones go, it's not that bad. At least the scene with the shotgun-toting blonde occurs eventually.

Thus, although I was expecting something more like "High Tension" or even "Baise-moi", I ended up with yet another bunch of teenagers breaking down in the middle of nowhere and falling foul of a serial killer (or two) in a movie which shamelessly borrows from "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" (1974) and every slasher made since. Presumably, that's how it's "based on true events".

All the usual clichés are ticked off including cell phones not working, teenagers with entitlement issues getting drunk, doing drugs, and having sex before being murdered one by one, and of course, there's the inevitable twist which I have to admit is nicely done here and not predictable at all. It's not overly original either, but it works.

The funny thing is that I actually enjoyed "The Eves", albeit not entirely in the way it was intended. I've never liked the original version of the "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre", and if it wasn't for R. Lee Ermey as Sheriff Hoyt in the remake and its sequel, I wouldn't have watched those. I'm glad I have though, because it amused me to see the same setup being used again by one of these so-called "groundbreaking and innovative" indie horror movies, and my cynicism was constantly being justified.

To give credit where it's due, the acting in "The Eves" is more than acceptable considering that the characters are quite poorly differentiated. Out of the teenage guys, there's a serious one, a quiet one, an even quieter one who looks identical to the previous quiet one, a prankster, a smartass, and all of them are assholes. The three girls are basically two slutty ones (a blonde bimbo who shows her boobs and a kinky brunette who doesn't) plus a more serious blonde who is as normal as any of these stereotypes can be. What their names are doesn't even matter until near the end.

I like the pretty girls.

As in all modern slasher movies, there's exactly enough shown of the potential victims to make you hate them but not enough to allow you to sympathise with them, and then the lacklustre killing spree begins. In fairness, the kills are more realistically handled than having blood spurting everywhere or intestines wriggling all over the place, and the make-up/effects are okay, but there's nothing memorable about them in and of themselves either. The blinding scenes only made me feel a bit bad because they reminded me of a recent news story from China which I wish I'd never read about. "Man's inhumanity to man" is often much worse in real life than anything you'll see in a silly low-budget horror movie although a similar scene at the start of "Borderland" (2007) is just as gruesome.

While "The Eves" isn't particularly scary, some of the scenes manage suspense competently and the background music which accompanies them is complimentary. Unfortunately, nothing here is likely to get a hardcore horror fan's pulse racing. Considering that I am an example of that aforementioned "hardcore horror fan", I watched this movie calmly and patiently without a flicker of emotion whatsoever.

A casual viewer or someone new to the genre might get a kick of "The Eves", but he or she would have to be American and around the same age as the victims to avoid feeling alienated. When all's said and done, "The Eves" is just a cookie-cutter teen slasher aimed at cookie-cutter teenagers rather than someone like me anyway.

The Body (2012)

(AKA El Cuerpo)



"A detective searches for the body of a femme fatale which has gone missing from a morgue."

If you're a regular follower of my Twitter feed or Facebook page, you'll know that I've been raving about this thriller intermittently ever since I first heard about it. Not only am I an enthusiastic ogler of Belén Rueda, but I naively expected "The Body" to get a theatrical release.

Unfortunately, after only playing at a few festivals, "The Body" has gone straight-to-DVD (and Blu-ray) in the UK, and there's still no news of any US release. This is a bit of a disappointment, but it's only to be expected in a country where envious eyes are probably drawing up their plans for a remake and holding off distribution for as long as possible. Such shenanigans surrounded "[REC]", "Let the Right One In" and "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", so I have every reason to be cynical. Also, since this movie is already so American in style, you just have to laugh at the irony of anyone wanting to remake it in the first place, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually.

"The Body", you see, is a genuine homage to classic film noir without falling into the neo-noir trap. It's a contemporary version of Agatha Christie-style thrillers for the most part with twist on top of twist. It also owes a great deal to Chan-wook Park's "Vengeance Trilogy" stylistically, but only insofar as Park's movies also homage better pulp mysteries of the past. "The Body" is as beautifully filmed but less taxing on the senses as, essentially, it's an easy to follow "popcorn flick" dressed up to look like more than it really is. That is until, of course, everything is revealed at the end.

Without giving away the plot too much, all I can tell you is that "The Body" is mainly a police investigation which takes place over one rainy night with flashbacks and some hypothetical scenes of events which may not have happened. Structurally, it's reminiscent of "Endless Night" (1972) and "Basic Instinct" (1992) but not without a couple of healthy dollops of "Sunset Blvd." (1950) mixed in. Thus, noir genre fans should feel right at home among the formulas. One very gory make-up effect will please horror fans too.

Belén Rueda and Hugo Silva.

While some people might say that "The Body" is clichéd, generic, and a little bit too slick for its own good, the perfect pacing, atmosphere, and performances turn it into a very classy piece of storytelling. There's maybe not quite enough depth to the characterisation to cause empathy, but you could say that about "Double Indemnity" (1944) or any of the Bogart vehicles. Two-dimensional characterisation is crucial for the various reveals in such thrillers anyway. Outside of Mankiewicz or Hitchcock, there's never been much time devoted to character driven mysteries which actually work, and writer/director Oriol Paulo hasn't taken that route with "The Body" either.

The focus is on Hugo Silva, who as Álex Ulloa is trapped like a fly skewered on a pin, and José Coronado as the tenacious detective Jaime Peña who questions him. Both are well cast in their roles although there are moments when it's hard to believe that bearded and bespectacled Hugo Silva would have enticed not one but two beautiful women into his bed. With much sport made of Belén Rueda's age along the way, Álex Ulloa is immediately defined as a gold digger who has bitten off more than he can chew this time, and he's not a likeable character.

José Coronado, on the other hand, doesn't develop any further than being a typical cop haunted by his own "Lost Lenore" tragedy. He certainly looks the part, and even the most casual glance at his previous TV and film credits indicate that he's been typecast here. In case you're wondering, a lead role in "R.I.S. Científica" (a one-season Spanish version of C.S.I.) is his most recent claim to fame. There's a little bit more to detective Jaime Peña than meets the eye, but you'll have to find out what that is by watching this movie yourself. Unlike some over-privileged, douchebag movie reviewers, I'm not going to give away the details.

Sadly, Belén Rueda doesn't get nearly as much screen time as she did in "The Orphanage" (2007) or "Julia's Eyes" (2010)—both of which are credited to the producers of this movie—but she still has a very important part to play even as a corpse. That bit I can give away because it's in the synopsis. However, as a compensation for the lack of Belén Rueda's MILFy goodness, Aura Garrido provides a decent amount of eyecandy as Álex's girlfriend Carla. Once again, there's more to her than just a pretty face.

Aura Garrido as Carla.

The supporting players are all top notch Spanish TV actors from various dramas which haven't travelled. Some stand out more than others including fierce-looking Patrícia Bargalló as Agent Norma who deserved to have a bigger part. Trust me, you'll notice her because she looks like Noomi Rapace from "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I'm sure it's meant to be an intentional in-joke as there are several other visual homages to that movie. For even more fun, write down a list of as many famous thrillers as you can remember before watching "The Body" and tick off all the lines of dialogue that you've heard before.

Ultimately, "The Body" is a noir-geek's paradise for identifying all the "borrowings", but that's exactly what it's meant to be to some extent. Despite its overall serious tone, and one "gross-out" moment, the ending is so contrived that you know little more was intended than a display of Oriol Paulo's erudition and some very dark humour. Make no mistake, "The Body" is not a comedy—no jokes are cracked, and nobody except Belén Rueda laughs—but that doesn't stop it being witty for other reasons. Whereas some thrillers allow the journey to become more important than the destination (or vice versa), "The Body" is pleasing throughout.

Even if you're not a big fan of mysteries and thrillers, "The Body" is easily the best movie you will see this year.

Click the pic to visit the official Facebook page.

Static (2012)

"A couple facing marital problems after losing their child finds their life together further complicated by a mysterious visitor."

Very slow and filmed using a handheld camera by someone obviously afflicted with Parkinson's disease, "Static" is a predictable hybrid of "The Strangers" (2008) and "Voices" (1973).

Apart from Sarah Shahi being absolutely gorgeous, that's all you really need to know unless you want the twist spoiled. The clue is in the gas masks not actually being gas masks, but if you look closely at the DVD artwork, you'll probably realise that for yourself.

As you would expect from a cast including Milo Ventimiglia, Sarah Shahi, Sarah Paxton, and a cameo from William Mapother (aka Ethan from "Lost"), the acting is okay. It's TV movie quality acting, of course, but there's nothing wrong with that. It's competent enough for what it is. It's just a pity that the ending is so unoriginal, and there aren't any scares.

Worth a rental, I suppose.

The Purge (2013)

"A family is held hostage for harbouring the target of a murderous syndicate during the Purge, a 12-hour period in which any and all crime is legalized."

Full of so many tropes that it even has its own page on tvtropes.org, "The Purge" is yet another completely unoriginal home invasion story from Blumhouse Productions and Platinum Dunes designed to get as much money as quickly as possible out of teenagers who haven't seen many other movies. In case you haven't noticed, this is exactly what Blumhouse Productions and Platinum Dunes do, and they've been very successful at it.

I don't want to get into a big discussion of all the sources which "The Purge" rips off, but suffice it to say that its backstory borrows heavily from Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" (1948), The Twilight Zone's "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street" (1960), Star Trek's "The Return of the Archons" (1967), and dozens of movies including "The Most Dangerous Game" (1932), "Rio Bravo" (1959), "A Clockwork Orange" (1971), "Battle Royale" (2000), and "Assault on Precinct 13" (1976/2005). The latter is the most obvious since the "Assault on Precinct 13" remake also stars Ethan Hawke and its screenplay was written by none other than James DeMonaco, the writer/director of "The Purge".

Despite its Bacchanalian inspirations and socio-political aspirations, "The Purge" still isn't anything more than a clone of all the home invasions such as "Funny Games" (1997), "Panic Room" (2002), "Them" (2006), and "The Strangers" (2008). Mix everything together with a swizzle stick made out of "Desperate Housewives" and you have your movie. If you want to be really cynical (and you should be), the futuristic setting is just a means to isolate the family. It's the dead cellphone trope without using a cellphone.

The thing is, "The Purge" isn't horrible to watch. It's shot using a handheld camera for some reason, but it's no more shaky than anything by Lars Von Trier or an episode of "This Life" so I can let that pass. Of course, it has to have a little bit of webcam/surveillance camera nonsense going on it too because it's a Blumhouse Production, and they never want to let you forget how they were also responsible for "Paranormal Activity" and "Sinister", but even that is acceptable within the film's internal logic. As far as Blumhouse/Platinum Dunes products go, "The Purge" is actually the best they've made so far.

Bring back "The Sarah Connor Chronicles"! And tripods!

Although "The Purge" isn't a horror movie, it does fit into "The Twilight Zone"-esque subgenre of dystopian futures which have been done to death in recent years almost as much as zombies and slashers, and it has a few moments of extreme violence which make it fairly entertaining. Unfortunately, even as an R-rated movie, it feels PG-13 due to the very obvious lack of sex, nudity or realistic profanities. It almost goes without saying that "The Purge" has very little gore and absolutely no scares or tension. With two hot chicks in the besieged family and no threat of rape at any point, it doesn't seem to be a movie meant for adults at all.

Part of the problem is that a bigger socio-political commentary on modern America with its layers of hypocrisy/double-standards and racism isn't fully realised. Do I really need to mention how the skin colour of the Target/Hostage (played by Edwin Hodge) shouldn't be an issue but clearly is? I think not. There's also so much that "The Purge" could've said about corporate brainwashing, capitalism, creepy American patriotism, gun control laws, crime, and the general selfish, jealous and violent nature of the first-world, but it's purely superficial. Even "Robocop" (1987) addressed those issues better nearly 30 years ago. If American society didn't learn about itself from Paul Verhoeven's satire then it's unlikely to do so from a half-arsed home invasion flick, so just shove another burger in your mouth and hide behind your smart phone because "The Purge" isn't meant to be anything other than low-brow entertainment either.

Acting-wise, "The Purge" is acceptable so I have no complaints there. Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey do particularly well although their rich, white, middle-class characters aren't likeable nor are they entirely meant to be. Every character in "The Purge" is mentally damaged by the futuristic government's brainwashing so what's to like? Rhys Wakefield as the "Polite Stranger" stands out the most as a hybrid of Patrick Bateman/Alex DeLarge, but even he makes as many stupid decisions as the rest of the characters in this "idiot play".

"Do you like Phil Collins?"

One thing which annoyed me slightly was Max Burkholder's hair which he really needs to get cut. What is it with Blumhouse Productions and little boys with girls' hairstyles? Michael Hall D'Addario from "Sinister" should accompany Max to the barbers. There are times when its hard to tell if it's Max's character or the hot sister (played by 23-year-old Adelaide Kane) who is in shot, but that's a minor quibble. It's also not his fault that the pussified character he played should have been one of the first ones purged. I spent more time wondering where the design for "Timmy", the remote-controlled webcam on a tank, came from than wishing any of the characters dead since most of them are underused anyway.

The surprise twists which come from betrayals are more irksome and predictable clichés for most people although, as usual, I didn't see either of them coming. I'll be honest, I actually enjoyed "The Purge" until I started to think about it afterwards, and then it left a nasty taste in my mouth because of the punches which were pulled. A night where all crimes are allowable, but the best anyone could come up with is a lame home invasion? I could write something far more disturbing in five minutes simply because I'm a very sick puppy indeed.

It's not worth going into any greater depth about "The Purge" because it's not a movie which can stand up to any kind of critical deconstruction nor is it meant to. I know some people have moaned about the number of times characters are saved at the last second, but those contrivances aren't even that noticeable during the action unless you are looking for them. There are so many plot holes, unanswered questions, lapses in logic and wasted opportunities that "The Purge" is essentially just another "popcorn flick" for the Summer which I'll probably buy on DVD as a souvenir of how low the movie industry has sunk this year.

No One Lives (2012)

"A gang of ruthless highway killers kidnap a wealthy couple traveling cross country only to shockingly discover that things are not what they seem."

Have you ever heard of "No One Lives" before? No? Me neither. Usually when a movie has such beautifully gory set pieces, the internet goes crazy with the buzz about it, but bizarrely, not this time. Thus, we have one of the main problems with anything put out by WWE Studios: For some reason known only to them, they just aren't promoting their movies adequately. The limited theatrical release of this one is another testament to their lack of faith in their own product.

Obviously, the movie business is a bit of sideline for the masters of wrestling shows which delight small children and the poorly educated, and the days of MySpace when we were all encouraged to watch "See No Evil" starring Kane (whoever he is or was) are long since over, but the whole thing feels like a conspiracy. Every big name horror site has hated this movie and gone out of their way to tear it apart. Perhaps they weren't given enough of a financial kickback or something. That also wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Maybe the usually PG-13 friendly WWE are ashamed of "No One Lives" for being R-rated. They shouldn't be because it pretty much rocks if you overlook some of the acting, weaknesses in the script, and a few lags. The dialogue may be more than a little bit hokey, but at least it suits the tone of the rest of the movie. Let's he honest here, "No One lives" is a lot of fun in an over-the-top and mean-spirited way.

With recognisable actors such as Luke Evans and Lee Tergesen in it, I didn't even know that "No One Lives" was a WWE movie anyway although I should have realised that something was slightly amiss when a big, fat, tattooed guy showed up. Other than the fact that he's disgustingly overweight and useless at acting, I wouldn't know that he's a wrestler since I don't watch that crap. I don't know his name and never want to. Even his character is more use dead than alive, but I'll say no more about that because it's a huge spoiler.

Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura of "The Midnight Meat Train" (2008) fame (but nothing else that I've ever seen), "No One Lives" is a difficult movie to place in the horror genre. It starts off as a crime drama about kidnapping, but then really goes into action mode due to a very physical and credible performance by Luke Evans who plays a kind of cross between Freddie Clegg and Rambo.

Although Lee Tergesen starts off well as a crime boss, he's somewhat wasted. I may not like the movie, but he was a lot better in "The Collection" (2012). Adelaide Clemens (from "Silent Hill: Revelation 3D"), on the other hand, isn't very convincing because the part is simply too big for her. Having said that, I can't actually think of anyone except Melissa George who could have done it better, and unfortunately, she's too old now.

Standouts include Derek Magyar as the evil Flynn and Lindsey Shaw as Amber ("the only one with a soul") who go above and beyond what you would expect from TV actors. America Olivo is also her usual self, but I love America Olivo and she can do no wrong. She gets her boobs out too, which is another reason why she needs to be in every horror movie from now on as far as I'm concerned.

As you would expect from a $2,900,000 budget, production values are very high throughout "No One Lives". Not only is the gore outstanding, all of the stunts are exceptionally well choreographed. Presumably that's where WWE's many years of faking fights must have been extremely useful.

Not knowing what to expect, I was impressed by how original "No One Lives" was in places, and even as a seasoned horror fan, I didn't see the twists coming. Mind you, if I live to be 100, I'll probably never see the twists coming in any thriller because I'm not wired that way.

It's not scary as such, the tension could have been handled much better, but for what it is, "No One Lives" is highly entertaining. It's not the greatest horror movie ever made, but it's well above average when compared to most of the junk available right now.

The Machinist (2004)

"An industrial worker who hasn't slept in a year begins to doubt his own sanity."

I'm sure that you've all seen "The Machinist" at some point in your lives so I'm not going to go into any detail about it. I only bought it on DVD fairly recently so last night was the first time I rewatched it since it came out. I didn't plan on reviewing it for "Thriller Thursday"; I was just in the mood for something other than any more "coming of age" dramas full of teenage girls who make me feel like a pervert. I could have chosen any horror movie to watch, but I wasn't really in the mood for one of those either. It happens to the best of us which is why I'm back on the daily subgenre changes until I get my horror mojo back.

I wouldn't call "The Machinist" a horror movie, but it certainly contains a lot of horror elements. There's a lovely arm-severing industrial accident, a guy with toes for fingers, the most horrific ghost train you will ever see, and the way Christian Bale looks is still legendary.

For those who don't know, this is the film which Christian Bale lost loads of weight for so that he could play the part of Trevor looking like a concentration camp inmate. He's so skeletal that I had to eat several times just to make myself feel better. It probably won't interest you, but I ate 4 boiled eggs, 5 beef and bean burritos, and a bag of crisps the size of a potato sack during "The Machinist". Yes, I'm the kind of guy who does that kind of thing in front of anorexics too because I'm sick that way.

As for the story, I can't tell you much about it because it relies on a twist near the end which is far too easily spoiled. Suffice it to say that 90% of the things Christian Bale's character sees aren't what they seem. You'll pick up on that in the first ten minutes so I'm not giving anything away. If you want to watch this movie "cold", do not even read the back of the DVD sleeve!

Critically, "The Machinist" is not without flaws. Even the sexiness of Jennifer Jason Leigh and the beauty of Aitana Sánchez-Gijón can't hide the fact that the truncated cuts from one Hitchcock-style scene to another are jarring, or that some of the acting isn't really that great.

With its washed-out hues, "The Machinist" is a lot of style over substance which appeals to a certain type of movie lover rather than a mainstream audience. Mercifully, it's not too arty and, as far as dark dramas go, it's one of the better and more depressing ones.

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

"A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward."

Maybe it's because I've been watching a lot of crappy indie horror movies lately and damaged my brain with gin, but I don't think "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is as bad as some people would have you believe. For a start, it has a fairly decent budget of $8,000,000 behind it which is more than can be said for a lot of January films. At least it's not found footage or a zombie movie.

Of course, my only reason for watching "Texas Chainsaw 3D" was Alexandra Daddario as Heather. Some of you may remember her as being in the only good part of "The Attic" which, ironically, was the January movie from 2008. I always knew Alexandra had potential although it's taken until now for her to show up again in something that anybody might actually want to see.

All the nerds are moaning about the continuity error in how Heather Miller should be 39 not 25, but in fairness, who would you rather see running around on screen? Nobody wants to see a 39-year-old woman do anything unless her name is Kate Beckinsale or Milla Jovovich, but that's only because they've been drinking from the fountain of youth or something. In reality, most 39-year-old women look like Carrie from "Sex and the City"... ugh!

Is that a chainsaw or are you just pleased to see me?

Anyway, I suppose you want to know all about the gore and scares. Well... there isn't enough of either unless CGI does it for you. I'm sure that pleases the gloating fanboys of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1974) even though there isn't any gore in the original. I've never really liked Tobe Hooper's only real claim to fame outside of "Salem's Lot" (1979) so comparing the two films isn't that important to me. Suffice it to say that there are a lot of homages to the original despite "Texas Chainsaw 3D" still being a re-imagined sequel for the most part.

You can ignore the last two "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" films anyway because "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is supposed to be a direct sequel to the original movie as if there were never any others in between. Yes, it's just like what "H20" tried to do for the "Halloween" franchise. That's a very good thing here though because all the other sequels suck balls. Can you believe that it's been almost 10 years since the 2003 remake? I still haven't reviewed that one either. What can I say? I just don't like slasher films very much.

I can't say that I really liked "Texas Chainsaw 3D", yet I didn't completely hate it. I'm certainly not going to rave over it, but I'm not going to tear it apart either. It's just another formulaic slasher full of stupid people who you want to see getting killed off among a load of even stupider rednecks. Essentially, it's the same old crap as usual but with different actors. Dan Yeager is the new Leatherface, but Gunnar Hansen appears briefly both as Boss Saywer and as Leatherface in flashbacks at the beginning.

To be honest, it doesn't matter who plays Leatherface. He gets lots of time on screen, but I couldn't care less about who plays some guy in a mask. Anyone could do it. I'm willing to bet that Dan Yeager will start showing up on the convention circuit now charging $25 for his autograph along with all the other mask-wearing non-celebrities. Sadly, there will even be people who want that to happen.

Texas Hots, anyone?

Aside from the old guys, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is chock-full of "pretty" actors of both genders. Trendy teen horror lives again! If Alexandra Daddario doesn't do it for you, the other hot chick is sexy Tania Raymonde who played Alex Rousseau in "Lost". As you can see (above), she looks a lot better in "Texas Chainsaw 3D"... for a while anyway. She definitely has the best death scene in the film. I'm not going to spoil it for you but "BANG!"

Nearly all the characters are the usual generic and flat cannonfodder, and nobody gets nude, so it's not really worth mentioning anybody else. Just from the trailer, it's easy for you to predict who is going to die and in what order. Pretty "teenagers" breaking the rules, disposable black character, jump scares, lots of running around and screaming, final girl... yeah, we've seen it all done before in every other franchise that's been sequelled to death, rebooted or cloned just to make a quick buck.

The camerawork is okay, some of the practical effects are quite acceptable although not outstanding, plot holes abound, several opportunities are missed, and the script is lousy, but you could say the same thing about any horror movie from the last 20 years. For the intended audience (which doesn't really include me), "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is fine. The whole horror genre is so unimaginative now that anyone brought up on a diet of utter shit won't find anything wrong with it. Hey, it's set in Texas (but filmed in Louisiana), it has a chainsaw in it, and there's 3D... so what is there to complain about?

The 3D stuff is nice but so underused that it makes you wonder why they even bothered, and the crappy ending (and gag after the end credits) will piss most people off, but "Texas Chainsaw 3D" isn't the worst horror film ever made. Trust me, I've seen far worse! It's just not very original or memorable.

Carnival of Souls (1962)

"After a traumatic accident, a woman becomes drawn to a mysterious abandoned carnival."

I don't own any Criterion DVDs because I find them overpriced and don't really have much interest in their selection. If I were to buy one, however, it would be "Carnival of Souls" even though it's in the public domain and I have at least six copies of it in budget multi-packs already.

The reason I would buy "Carnival of Souls" again is the transfer. All the public domain versions are pretty horrible including the one on my YouTube channel which I've embedded above. If Criterion are to be respected for anything, it's that they nearly always find the best print available. There have been exceptions to the rule, but that's another story.

Make no mistake about it, "Carnival of Souls" is hardly the usual pretentious "arthouse" weirdness that Criterion are best known for. Apart from the innovative titles and a few surreal scenes which might indicate otherwise, "Carnival of Souls" is little more than a feature length version of a Twilight Zone episode called "The Hitch Hiker" (which in turn was based on an Orson Welles radio play from 1946). Allegedly, Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge" may have also been an inspiration for the story, but I've never read it and don't know.

Despite the unoriginality which most people wouldn't notice anyway, "Carnival of Souls" has a lot going for it especially in terms of atmosphere, a funereal organ music soundtrack, and, obviously, one of the most beautiful women to ever appear in a horror movie - Candace Hilligoss.

If the picture of her above isn't enough to get you to endure some old black and white nonsense then there's no hope for you. As Mary Henry, Candace Hilligoss may play one of the most frigid 1960s' horror heroines you ever encounter, but you can't deny that she's gorgeous.

The pushy John Linden (played by Sidney Berger) is certainly enamoured by Mary Henry. At first, Mary does precious little to encourage John's bad chat-up lines, and his drunken, predatory advances become increasingly loaded with menace and potential rapeyness.

These scenes are quite complex in some ways and very uncomfortable to watch. As they develop, there's actually only one way of describing Mary Henry, and it consists of two words ending in "tease". Although there's more to her actions than that, the whole relationship between Mary and John highlights a couple of very damaged individuals indeed, and that's the point. Even if everything was right in the world, they would hardly be a match made in heaven.

For 90% of the film, "Carnival of Souls" bumbles along quite nicely as what appears to be the psychological study of a schizoid personality disorder. It's suggested that because Mary is strong-willed and solitary by nature, her symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation are the inevitable result. As things get progressively worse, there's a twist which I'm not going to spoil for you.

If you've never seen "Carnival of Souls" before, now is your chance. It's a creepy enough movie at any time of year, but it's especially good at Hallowe'en given what Hallowe'en is really supposed to be about.

Apartment 143 (2011)

"A team of parapsychologists try to figure out a strange phenomenon occurring in an apartment building."

Since I'm in request mode this week, I decided to watch "Apartment 143" so that I could reply to someone who asked about it in a Facebook group that I belong to. As with most faux found footage movies, I pretty much hated its lack of originality immediately, and it really didn't get any better for me as the story progressed.

If you imagine a found footage version of "The Haunting" (1963), but change the location to someone's boring and sparsely furnished American apartment, you have the setting for this absolute turd of a movie. Then just downgrade the number of paranormal researchers to three and make them completely unlikeable and you almost have this film in its entirety minus, of course, the equally unlikeable family of three whose haunting was being investigated.

From just reading through the titles of a lot of blog posts rather than skimming the reviews themselves, I've noticed that a lot of reviewers have compared "Apartment 143" to the "Paranormal Activity" series. For me, it was more like an even cheaper ripoff of "Ghostwatch" (1992) but without the TV show background. In fact, that's the problem with "Apartment 143". It was like so many other movies in the same subgenre that it was more noticeable for what it lacked than for what it tried to add. As someone put it on another blog, "it had way too much of nothing going on".

Everything about "Apartment 143" was predictable including the two good effects and the lame twist at the end. I honestly sat here timing the final jump scare and it was almost exactly to the second the same as the long pause before the voting results on the "X Factor". For those of you who are unfamiliar with that annoyance, basically, my expectations had already peaked and turned to boredom before the punchline was delivered.

I suppose they tried to make this into more of a poltergeist movie than a real haunting with the clichéd scientific explanation which was delivered by the professor character in one go rather than let the shocking revelation build-up naturally from the story itself. I very nearly fell for it though and started to think that it was kind of neat to actually have a poltergeist story since even Steven Spielberg didn't manage to do that properly. Unfortunately, they just had to go and ruin it all with even more heavy-handedness.

As the camerawork was nearly all done with handheld shakycams, I had to give it 0 out 10 for that element. Call me old-fashioned, but I do actually like to see what is happening on screen without wanting to vomit up my dinner. There was even a scene with a strobe light effect which really hurt my eyes and would probably cause an epileptic seizure for anyone susceptible to such things.

The ten minutes of screaming and destruction which happened twenty minutes from the end was so loud that it hurt my delicate little ears, and forced me to turn the volume right down. I probably should have kept the sound off and left "Apartment 143" at that point because the rest of the movie wasn't much more than a badly tacked-on epilogue anyway.

Guess where "Apartment 143" is going? That's right, it's another one for "The Dungeon". There was nothing in this which hadn't been done better at least fifty times before.

The Tall Man (2012)

"When her child goes missing, a mother looks to unravel the legend of the Tall Man, an entity who allegedly abducts children."

Don't you just hate reviews which start with "From the director of" and then proceed to recount all the details of the director's previous works as if that will make any difference to any opinion of their latest offering? I hate that too, but, in this case, I do think it's necessary to mention that, of course, Pascal Laugier also directed "Martyrs" (2008) and "House of Voices" (2004) as I have noticed a slight pattern forming with these movies, and it isn't something good.

To cut a long story short and probably spoil "The Tall Man" before you've even seen it, what is the deal with Pascal Laugier and all these films about children? In "House of Voices", it was all about ghostly orphans, "Martyrs" gave us kidnapped and tortured children, and now "The Tall Man" is all about the little brats disappearing for yet another reason.

Let me just remind everybody that I cannot stand any movies about children, movies starring children or meant for children, or, basically, anything to do with children in general. I hate kids, I have no paternal instincts whatsoever, and I'd rather have a house full of adult cats who I treat as cats rather than little "fur babies". So can you possibly imagine how disappointed I was by "The Tall Man" when the story turned out not to be about the "Slenderman" who abducts and tortures children?

Although the odds were against it with "The Tall Man" being Canadian and having an R-rating, I wanted this to be sicker than "A Serbian Film" (2010) or "Salò" (1975), but obviously without the paedophilia because that doesn't float my boat. What I wanted was something like an adult version of "The Witches" (1990) but with more extreme torture and death. Alas, it was not to be.

If you don't want any spoilers, stop reading now!

"I smell... dogs' droppings."

In spite of borrowing heavily from the "Slenderman" myth and spooky computer game to create a few visual red herrings, "The Tall Man" turned out to be a thriller with two twists which put it almost into the M. Night Shyamalan category of dramatic nastiness. I'm not an M. Night Shyamalan hater apart from loathing his more recent films, and I hasten to add that the key word in the previous sentence was "almost". As a movie, rather than specifically a horror movie, "The Tall Man" was actually pretty good. It also wasn't anything to do with the shitty "Phantasm" franchise.

Coming to it after just watching Rob Zombie's "Halloween II", I was impressed by the run down, recession hit look and atmosphere of the Canadian mining town which was obviously doubling for America. Everything looks like that where I live so the reality pleased me. Whereas Rob Zombie had his own agenda for using white trash characters, you can be sure that Pascal Laugier (like most Europeans) was definitely including some major social commentary here. I'm not going to spoil it for you too much because it's actually the motivation of the main characters and a very weak link in the plot, but if you take the idea that people who can't afford pets shouldn't have them and upgrade it to people, then you'll get the idea.

The acting was very good with Jessica Biel really standing out. I haven't seen many of her films, and I think she may have a reputation for not actually being that great, but she was fantastic in "The Tall Man". Ultimately, "The Tall Man" was her "vehicle", as they say.

I was very impressed by Jessica Biel's action scenes even though the aftermath of a few of them wasn't all that realistic. Her lack of make-up, or rather her lack of glamorous make-up, seemed to increase her screen presence as I found myself able to concentrate more on what she was showing rather than what she was trying to hide, if you know what I mean. The increasing number of scrapes, gashes and other wounds her character sustained pleased me even more. Some of those make-up effects were done very well indeed.

I didn't particularly care about any of the other characters, least of all the oddly mute girl played by Jodelle Ferland who, obviously, is no stranger to real horror films. Having her do the narration was a little bit weird, but the reason was revealed at the end.

Other recognisable faces included the now very old-looking "Cigarette Smoking Man" from "The X-Files" TV series, and Stephen McHattie who appeared to be channelling a slightly younger version of Lance Henriksen in an attempt to shake off his minor role as Hollis Mason in "Watchmen" (2009). I'm tempted to think that Pascal Laugier must have been a huge Chris Carter fan as "The Tall Man" reeked of "The X-Files" and "Millennium" right down to its British Columbia filming location.

As a movie with some quite unexpected twists, I was entertained by "The Tall Man" even though the final reveal of his identity and motivation was very weak. I was kind of hoping that he would turn out to be Jeff Goldblum just so that I could make some feeble joke, but, unfortunately, Pascal Laugier already beat me to the punchline with his lacklustre ending.

I'm going to rate "The Tall Man" as slightly above average. It's not really a horror movie, but it did have several reworked tropes taken from the horror genre in it. The similarity of the setting to the "Slender" game, which I've included a video about below, really made this a bit of a naughty cheat in the same way that "The Mothman Prophecies" (2002) also promised much more for horror fans than it delivered.



Have you seen "The Tall Man" yet? What did you think of it? Let me know in the comments below.

The Haunting of Sarah Hardy (1989)

"As a child, Sarah witnesses her wealthy mother's suicide. Later, as a young bride, she is haunted by her mother's voice and other strange manifestations. Is it her imagination, someone playing tricks on her, or her dead mother's spirit?"

Since I made a mistake and watched this because I thought it was a horror movie which I'd never heard of before, I'm going to review this really quickly and get it out of the way.

If you've ever seen "Dominigue" (1979), "The Haunting of Sarah Hardy" was much the same, but with more twists. Some of the twists worked while others were as ridiculous as the ones in the also similar "Double Jeopardy" (1999).

It's interesting that the three films which I've just named are ten years apart from each other. Maybe Hollywood thinks that people are stupid and forget what was put out a decade before, but I'm one of the reasons why they can't get away with it. I wonder if there was a movie which used the same plot in 2009? I'm sure there was.

Certainly, Sela Ward, the star of "The Haunting of Sarah Hardy", was in a another remade thriller which pretended to be a horror movie in 2009. I actually wondered when I watched "The Stepfather", if the mother was somebody who I should know for being famous for something else. Of course, even with the aid of the IMDb, I'm still none the wiser. I don't even remember her from "The Fugitive" and, amusingly, even though she also starred in another movie called "Double Jeopardy" rather than the one I've mentioned, it was from 1992, and I've never seen it.

I'm not going to pretend to know anything about any of the other actors in "The Haunting of Sarah Hardy". I simply haven't watched enough of the American TV shows where most of them came from and went on to work in. Morgan Fairchild was the exception because I used to watch her in "Flamingo Road". She always played the part of a scheming bitch really well and was successfully typecast in this movie too. I thought that she looked surprisingly plain in comparison to Sela Ward, but maybe it's because I prefer brunettes.

One of the unnamed stars of this movie was actually the house where it all took place. If you've ever watched those conspiracy theory documentaries about Stanley Kubrick and "The Shining", you'll be surprised that nobody ever made more of the fact that Pittock Mansion isn't anywhere near an ocean in real life. If the missing maze of the Overlook Hotel means that Kubrick faked the moon landings then surely the director of this film, Jerry London, must have been in on them too. Sometimes I despair of people.

The whole thriller was basically about romantically linked schemers trying to get ownership of the mansion and the rest of Sarah Hardy's wealth. If it had been more original and scripted better, it would have been a classic. Unfortunately, film noir fans had been enjoying this plot over and over again for donkey's years. Apparently, although "Gaslight" (1944) may have been the first to use this story, it was done to death. Even Agatha Christie used it for "Endless Night" which became a movie in 1972.

There were no scares in this, not much suspense, and it was all very predictable. The acting was pretty good though with nobody disgracing themselves with anything but their dated clothing. Shoulder pads, big permed hair and huge glasses abounded; it was all so very '80s.

The ending was too rushed and the final shock which was intended fell flat. I'm willing to forgive that since I was entertained in spite of "The Haunting of Sarah Hardy" not being the ghost story which I initially wanted it to be. Misleading titles really annoy me.

I can't forgive the lack of anything sexy even though I know that this was a made-for-TV movie and American TV is full of prudes. A couple of nice rumpy-pumpy scenes would certainly have made the story more realistic since there wasn't enough sexual tension between the characters or chemistry between the actors to make any of their relationships believable.

The Others (2001)

"A woman who lives in a darkened old house with her two photosensitive children becomes convinced that her family home is haunted."

Did you know that "The Others" was a remake? I didn't either until I reviewed "Voices" and realised that not only was the title taken from the original stage play, but "The Others" was little more than a re-imagining of the main elements of the story itself.

Having said that, Alejandro Amenábar's update of this classic ghost story with a twist is far better than the 1970s versions. Over a decade since I first saw "The Others" in the cinema, it's still as creepy and scary as it ever was.

For those of you who live under a rock and don't know, "The Others" had a really weird mixture of nationalities involved in it. Nicole Kidman is an Australian yet her character was supposed to be British, the story was set in Jersey but actually filmed in Spain, and the whole project was funded by American producers. I suppose stranger things have happened but, given the director and the rest of the cast, I always assumed that "The Others" was a joint Spanish and British production.

Just going through the cast list reveals quite a few well-known British names such as Fionnula Flanagan, Christopher Eccleston (who was the best Doctor Who before David Tennant took over), and even the late Eric Sykes. Eric Sykes, who died a couple of weeks ago, was best known for being a comedian especially in the '60s and '70s so the casting choice was a little bit odd. Having Elaine Cassidy (who went on to be Abby Mills in "Harper's Island") as a mute was even weirder though.

Of course, the best thing about "The Others" (apart from the one big jump scare which was ruined by the trailer) was Nicole Kidman. Apparently, she didn't want the role initially. I'm glad that she changed her mind because I couldn't imagine anyone else doing a better job. She was, by turns, harsh, strict, creepy, neurotic and vulnerable while always being quite beautiful and even sexy if you like long, passion-killing dresses and ugly, sensible shoes.

The supporting cast (since that was really all they were), even the somewhat annoying children with their horrible stage school accents, were all first class although the script didn't really allow any of them to stand out or upstage Nicole Kidman. "The Others" was all very controlled in favour of its star but that was no bad thing.

The cinematography was pretty fantastic too and, combined with the set dressing, "The Others" had a very distinctive look about it which was later copied by "Saint Ange" (2004), "The Orphanage" (2007) and many Asian horror movies. Basically, "The Others" was the first classic horror movie of the 21st century and has yet to be surpassed by any other ghost story.

As much as I would like to dissect every scene, it would absolutely ruin the film for you so I'll just recommend that you watch it for yourself instead. Even if you've already seen it, watch it again and compare it to the state of the genre today. "The Others" was and still is a masterpiece of atmosphere, mystery and suspense rather than gore for the sake of gore or deafening jump scares.

"The Others" was a beautifully crafted and truly "old school" horror.

The Dark Hours (2005)

"Dr. Samantha Goodman, an attractive psychiatrist in her thirties, joins her husband and sister for a weekend at a winter cottage when an unexpected guest arrives. Harlan Pyne, a violent sexual offender, is convinced that Samantha conducted unethical experiments on him while she was his doctor."

How I missed "The Dark Hours" when it first came out is a complete mystery to me, unless, of course, it never got distributed at that time in the UK. Mind you, it's quite possible that I saw the DVD sitting on the shelves in Blockbuster, and because of the artwork with the bloody axe on it, I dismissed it as yet another one of those handycam slashers which were even drifting into Britain like the slew of shit that they were and still are.

Nobody ever mentioned "The Dark Hours" on the message boards that I used to waste my time on, and it obviously wasn't getting any promotion from the right people. I only discovered this movie by taking a chance on it as a $2 DVD purchase from the pawn shop.

It's also quite possible that nobody liked "The Dark Hours" because, like all low-budget Canadian movies, it copied everything else which was popular in the horror genre while not adding a whole lot of its own. If you listen to the director's commentary, Paul Fox is proud to have taken so many ideas from other directors and very well known horror movies.

Although most horror geeks find a lot of amusement in these homages, there are many other reviewers who just notice the ripoffs. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed "The Dark Hours", I felt that I'd seen it all before, and I had. Not only were there a couple of similarities to "Funny Games", but not to put too fine a point on it, we've had so many movies with a similar twist ending over the years that "The Dark Hours" is somewhat predictable. If I only mention the names of two previous movies from 2003, "Identity" and "High Tension", I'm sure that you can work out the spoilers for yourself.

Where this is actually better than all those other movies is, of course, that it has phenomenal acting and a more cerebral script. It also looks and sounds like it had a much bigger budget. According to the IMDb, the budget was 500,000 Canadian dollars, but I'm sure that the director said it was only $50,000 on the commentary. He also explained how they achieved such great sets with the minimal resources available.

While not very gory, there are a couple of scenes which I can imagine that the truly timid would not want to watch. The effects are pretty good, and there is a lot more blood shed than I thought there would be. Dog lovers, in particular, will definitely not enjoy this film.

The lighting, camerawork and editing are really exceptional. I also didn't spot any continuity errors (apart from a mistaken one which was because I didn't quite get what was going on at the time), and I was very impressed by the overall production values. This is high-end Canadian stuff and not just another oddly paced, off-beat, and slightly out-of-sync product.

With a cast of mostly TV actors, some of whom are more famous than others (although probably a lot more so in Canada), there's nothing too unusual here. Where "The Dark Hours" ups its game beyond just settling for being good enough, however, is in the performances from everyone involved. Kate Greenhouse acts her heart out (not literally but nearly) and shows quite a range. Aidan Devine also really stands out as a psychopath who grows increasingly more likeable.

I even liked Iris Graham (who also played one of Emily's sisters in "The Exorcism of Emily Rose"). She's really hot when she isn't crying, and sometimes even when she is. I wish I could find a better picture of her, but I don't want to spoil her sexy scenes for you with a screencap.

Five days ago, Mister Exploit left me a comment, "Dr Blood you are going to love The Dark Hours if you are anything like me." Well, Mr Exploit, I've seen it now and can safely report that I did and I must be.

With this being a more adult and talky thriller than any of those lowbrow, teenage, slasher movies which there are far too many of, there really isn't anything for me to complain about at all. If I had only rented "The Dark Hours", I'd definitely be looking for a copy to buy right now.

April Fool's Day (1986)

"A group of nine college students staying at a friend's remote island mansion begin to fall victim to an unseen murderer over the April Fool's day weekend."

This is one of those thriller-type films that should have been more horrible than it is but it has its moments. It just feels good, sort of like a "Columbo" episode on a wet Sunday afternoon.

The girls in "April Fool's Day" are very pretty, especially the two Deborahs (Foreman and Goodrich), and the practical jokes are wonderfully sick. There are also some amusing lines to quote from Harvey (Jay Baker) too.

Because "April Fool's Day" homages "Friday the 13th" and has a Canadian feel about it (unsurprisingly really due to the location), the film is highly underrated. The twist is quite original and there's a happy ending which I don't think was what was first intended but it still works very well.

It almost goes without saying that this is much better than the horrible 2008 remake but I'm sure that there are some people who would write both of them off for not really being horror films.

The Uninvited (2009)

"Anna Rydell returns home to her sister (and best friend) Alex after a stint in a mental hospital, though her recovery is jeopardized thanks to her cruel stepmother, aloof father, and the presence of a ghost in their home."

That last post was far too long so I'm going "old school" (and shorter) with this one. I know that I appear to be on a bit of a remake kick right now but it's entirely accidental. I'm just finishing up my "New Reviews" section and these are the only ones which are left before I return to my "Vault".

Anyway, "The Uninvited" was a very welcome remake for me of a Korean horror called "A Tale of Two Sisters" (2003) which I just couldn't get into no matter how many times I tried. I know Asian horror has lots of fans but, if you've read a lot of my reviews, you'll see that I often have great difficulty with some of the higher-rated ones. I can assure you that it has nothing to do with having to read subtitles except that I get easily confused by all the foreign names.

There was nothing for me to get confused about with "The Uninvited" although it does share the same title as a ghost story starring Ray Milland from 1944 (and about a dozen others). It was all quite straightforward stuff with pretty girls and a bit of a mystery. I would actually call this a thriller rather than a horror but it does have some horror elements to it.

As with any film which relies on a twist, telling you anything detailed about it is almost impossible without spoiling it for you. Apart from mentioning that it looks really good (especially the house that it's all set in), the acting is acceptable although the characters aren't very likeable, and it's a PG-13 so there isn't anything too gory or sexy, there isn't much more to add.

All I'll say is that once you reach the end of the film, watch it again and marvel at how cleverly it was done so that you wouldn't immediately notice what was wrong. Of course, some people will see through the film's trickery quite early on but I didn't. In the light of far too many movies in the last two years using the same technique, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you worked it all out from the IMDb description or the trailer.

The stand-outs for me were Elizabeth Banks (who looks flawless in this movie), Arielle Kebbel, and Emily Browning, in that order. All their scenes together worked really well and covered up the secret twist perfectly. Each of these women have their admirers but all were relatively unknown to me at the time when I first watched "The Uninvited". I'm not going to be as mean as I could be but the sisters don't look much like each other so a red herring was that I thought they weren't supposed to be related at all.

Although it was marketed as a horror movie, it isn't really even a traditional ghost story. I suppose if you want to get pedantic then it is a ghost story but it doesn't involve anything supernatural. Yes, I am still being deliberately vague.

Just rent this thing from Netflix and we'll talk about it later.