Rewind This! (2013)

"Home video changed the world. The cultural and historical impact of the VHS tape was enormous. This film traces the ripples of that impact by examining the myriad aspects of society that were altered by the creation of videotape."

Even though this documentary's director, Josh Johnson, has been gobbing-off and exaggerating about how I called him "creepy" for being yet another two-day follower on Twitter who appeared on my followers list, said nothing to me ever, and then unfollowed me just because I didn't follow him back simply for existing, I'm not Harry Knowles and will give "Rewind This!" a fair review. Yes, Josh, I know you'll read this and report back to your new clique of pretend friends, so enjoy your time here!

For what it is, "Rewind This!" is an informative yet somewhat repetitive history of VHS. Interviews with several celebrities in the horror movie industry including Charles Band, Lloyd Kaufman, Frank Henenlotter, and Cassandra Peterson are mixed with nutty independent filmmakers and VHS collectors to good effect, but there are too many big names missing for it to be the "definitive" documentary on the subject. That tagline in the trailer has a Hell of a lot wrong with it!

Where's Paul from VHScollector.com or any of the other YouTube collectors such as KandJhorrordotcom? They aren't in this anywhere, but one of the last "mom and pop" video stores and some amusing sadsack who gleefully films no-budget camcorder movies for his own amusement take up a good chunk of time which would have been better spent on interviewing more collectors. Why do that when what people really want to see is the tapes themselves, the novelty big boxes, and a more indepth look at how all the different distribution companies came and went? Where's the advice for new collectors from old collectors? And how can you let someone who stacks her tapes sideways by colour pass by without comment on her incorrect way of storing them? Arrrgh!

Unlike the maker of this documentary, I was alive before VHS tapes existed and can enthuse a lot more about how they revolutionised the way we all viewed movies. These "90s kid" filmmakers are so spoiled by modern technology that they don't even know they were born! Sadly, it shows in such superficial presentations because of the lack of real life experience and research. Information such as how the Betamax phase was over before it began in Britain, or that PAL VHS rental boxes (in two different sizes depending on whether they were ex-rentals or sell-through) were plastic rather than the cardboard crap which the American NTSC tapes came in isn't even mentioned! I know you can't include everything, but that's exceptionally lazy considering that I know Josh regularly talks to a certain English VHS blogger on Twitter!

Overall, I enjoyed the nostalgic interviews with the celebrities, but learnt precious little about the collectors or what they had in their collections. I got some entertainment but no joy out of "Rewind This!"; it gave me no incitement or renewed enthusiasm to start collecting again, and I actually felt quite alienated by its Americanness. There's also far too much emphasis on business in what appears to be an attempt to discredit the innovators for their opportunist capitalism, but maybe that's just how I naturally read things negatively. In fairness, I've also seen infinitely more famous people disgrace themselves on YouTube once the smoke and mirrors are gone.

Thus, I came away from "Rewind This!" feeling like there's a much bigger story to be told, and there is. Fortunately, another documentary called "Adjust Your Tracking" is coming soon which promises to be better. It's still too early to tell whether either will be the "definitive" documentary about VHS, but collectors will probably buy both anyway.

Worth a rental.

Dark Touch (2013)

"In a remote town in Ireland, eleven-year-old Neve [sic] finds herself the sole survivor of a bloody massacre that killed her parents and younger brother. Suspecting a gang of homicidal vandals, the police ignore Neve's [sic] explanation that the house is the culprit."

If you're silly enough to read any other horror blog except mine, you'll probably see a lot of people praising how cerebral "Dark Touch' is and how it's meant to have a big message about the trauma caused by child abuse or some such unhappy horseshit at the heart of it. What a load of crap! I wanted it to be a ghost story, especially as the official IFC Films synopsis suggests a haunted house, so let the hate commence!

For those of us who can see through the fluff and arty-farty edits, "Dark Touch" is nothing more than a slow-paced clone of Stephen King's "Carrie" and "Firestarter", but it's set in the Irish countryside to make it look better. Give or take a few more disturbed children, it's kind of like how "Wake Wood" (2011) was a rip-off of "Pet Sematary" (1989) in a similar location, and it sucks just as much.

Nice cinematography using every method of filming from handheld camerawork to tripod-mounted long shots doesn't make up for the story being boring as buggery apart from two lush moments of goriness. Once you've seen them, it's not worth waiting for more unless clichés such as exploding windows, treading in broken glass with bare feet, or laconic little girls with Asperger's Syndrome float your boat. Even if they do, the cheap CGI fire effects will probably sink it.

Among the lameness, adults being pinned to walls by kitchen tables or chests of drawers against their thighs is a recurring theme in this movie which has very little to do with anything other than being another cheap and easy effect. I think it happens three or four times, but it may be more. What the significance of these repetitive scenes is, I have no idea. It can join the list of questions I have such as why does the hotter-looking mother suffer from bouts of tinnitus every time little Niamh throws a tantrum? And what kind of dyslexia causes the name Niamh to be pronounced "Neeve"?

"I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter."

As Irish horror movies go, "Dark Touch" isn't the worst I've ever seen, but it's not even close to being up to the same high standard as "Dorothy Mills" (2008). The creepy atmosphere promises more than it delivers, and the eclectic mixture of regional Irish accents (which range from mild to harsh and unintelligible) cause it to be only a donkey or two short of another "Rawhead Rex" (1986). Having said that, I do quite like "Rawhead Rex" in spite of Clive Barker disowning it, and I'm not even sure if it has any donkeys in it anyway. If it didn't, it should have done. But I've digressed.

The acting in "Dark Touch" is fine given that character development is almost non-existent, and Swedish import Charlotte Flyvholm has a filler part as a heavily pregnant school counsellor to justify the Swedish financial investment. Out of all the characters, she stood out most for me by being the third pregnant blonde that I've seen in a movie this week, the other two being Detective Inspector Sarah Clayton (Joanne Froggatt) in "uwantme2killhim?" and Barb's mother also called Sarah (played by Chantal Quesnelle) in "Curse of Chucky".

Since there's unlikely to be a theatrical release of "Dark Touch" near you, it's available for half the price of a cinema ticket through the various VOD services. At $6.99, I think it's still way too much for a pre-pubuscent "Carrie" clone, and you'd be better off saving your money for the official "Carrie" remake in a few weeks.