The Top Ten Nastiest Dogs

As hopefully everybody knows by now, I'm proud to be obsessed with cats in horror movies rather than filthy, stinking dogs. Let's face it, the internet is virtually made of cats, most horror fans are owned by cats, and felines crop up in far more horror movies than their canine counterparts.

Having worked for an SPCA (where I fed, watered, cleaned, and walked hundreds of abandoned dogs round and round in circles every day for over a year), I might not particularly like dogs, but I'd never be cruel to any of the dumb, gluttonous creatures.

Still, as far as I'm concerned, dogs are no better than farm animals and should be kept outside. Dog owners' houses always reek even worse than if they had small children or kept pigs inside. Ugh! Then there's the constant drooling, begging for attention, food, and exercise... and that's usually from the owner's themselves.

If you ever needed a reason not to have a dog, here's a quick top ten list of the nastiest dogs in horror.


1. Cujo (1983)

In easily the most famous horror movie featuring a dog, a once friendly St. Bernard named Cujo contracts rabies and traps Donna Trenton (Dee Wallace) and her son in their car. He can't help it, he's sick.


2. Man's Best Friend (1993)

Max, a genetically-mutated Tibetan Mastiff, escapes from the laboratory which created him. He soon changes from being an intelligent and lovable pet into a ferocious weapon of mass destruction who kills anything in his path.


3. The Omen (1976)

Provided as a canine protector for antichrist Damien Thorn (Harvey Stephens), who is himself born of a jackal, this Rottweiler certainly looks and acts the part.


4. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

An innkeeper's dog saves a woman from being bitten by a bat which is, in fact, Count Dracula in disguise. Angry at losing his meal, Dracula bites the woman's saviour and turns Zoltan into a bloodthirsty vampire.


5. Resident Evil (2002)

What could be scarier than a mutated Doberman Pinscher? Seven mutated Doberman Pinschers, of course. Fortunately, Alice (Milla Jovovich) takes care of all of them.


6. Pet Sematary II (1992)

Having been shot and killed by his owner's sadistic step-father (Clancy Brown), it's not long before Zowie comes back "wrong".


7. Baxter (1989)

In this bleak French comedy-horror, a disturbed Bull Terrier named Baxter develops aggressive and murderous behaviour in his attempt to be adopted by another family.


8. Dogs (1976)

After being exposed to experimental pheromones, a pack of dogs goes on a bloody killing spree in a small Californian town.


9. The Thing (1982)

A shapeshifting alien disguised initially as a Husky causes a whole lot of deadly trouble for a team of Antarctic scientists.


10. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

The human-faced Boxer dog in this sci-fi/horror is more frightening than it may seem, especially when you think about the implications of how it got to be that way.


Bonus: Cabin Fever (2002)


There's a really bad German Shepherd in Eli Roth's gruesome black comedy. Dr. Mambo menaces the students for some time before viciously attacking Marcy (Cerina Vincent).


Remember, don't adopt a dog if you aren't going to look after it properly!

Pets are for life, both yours and theirs.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

"Alice fights alongside a resistance movement in the continuing battle against the Umbrella Corporation and the undead."

After watching "Underworld: Awakening", it was only fitting to finish off my Sunday with another pointless action-horror which looks like a 3D computer game. At least "Resident Evil: Retribution" has the excuse of being based on a computer game series for its impressive visuals and, once again, the complete lack of any coherent plot.

If all you want from a movie is to see lots of fighting and things getting blown up, "Resident Evil: Retribution" is the film for you. Occasionally, I also like to watch those very things and have always thoroughly enjoyed Milla Jovovich getting physical so, although I'll try to be objective, my review is undoubtedly going to be biased.

Even though Milla Jovovich's Alice lacks the grace and more feline attributes of Kate Beckinsale's Selene, there's little difference between them in terms of female badassery. Milla Jovovich has slightly more tomboyish looks, but it's hard to choose between which heroine is the sexiest. Why choose anyway when you can watch both and have neither in real life?

One major style difference is that the fight sequences in the "Resident Evil" series have never been quite as smoothly choreographed as the ones in "Evolution". Both originally owed a lot to "The Matrix", of course, but the "Resident Evil" fights have always seemed rougher and bloodier. Some people prefer them for that very reason.

Alice hates cosplayers!

As far as the fights in "Resident Evil: Retribution" were concerned, I thought they were quite weak at the start with Milla Jovovich being a lot slower and more awkward than usual. As the movie progressed, her skills improved until her final battle with Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory) turned out to be everything a girl-on-girl fight in one of these things should be. Not to be too much of a pervert, but it was definitely the ultimate battle of the latex catsuits.

The various CGI monsters were much the same as before and as close to the ones in the console games as I remember them. I started playing the games when they first came out on the Playstation back in 1997, but, as I haven't played one since I came to America, I honestly can't remember what the last "Resident Evil" game or its monsters looked like. I'm sure the latest versions have been upgraded to be more like the movies and create a more effective tie-in though.

I'm not going to say a lot about the acting as it was perfectly acceptable. Everyone was overly stressed-looking and angry as usual with only a few chances to show more depth due to the flashbacks and clones. Michelle Rodriguez stood out the most in that respect and even managed to inject some humour into her brief alternative role.

Let's face it, the characters don't really matter all that much anyway. At their best, the "Resident Evil" films are only meant to be some fast-paced, mindless fun. In this case, the non-stop action really made things fly by, perhaps a little bit too quickly, but nothing was spoiled in the process. It was certainly a lot better than "Resident Evil: Afterlife" from two years ago.

Everything looked great, the various sets of different "holodeck"-style cities were very well done, but there was still no resolution to the story which looks as if it might just be coming in the next sequel. From previous experience, I doubt that even the next "Resident Evil" movie will be the last.

More crappy movies from the Pawn Shop

It was raining yesterday so I was in the mood to visit my local pawn shop again. I don't know what it is about rain and my desire to buy other people's discarded crap but it just goes together in my own mind.

Anyway, here's what I bought.

Again, because they were 4 for $10, I started off with a "Blockbuster Exclusive" version of "1408". I have no idea what makes it such an exclusive and I probably wouldn't have bought it if it hadn't been cheap. I saw the spine first and didn't know that the artwork was going to be all messed up with Blockbuster logos and other nonsense until I pulled it off the shelf.

I also decided to get "The Devil's Rejects" even though it was a full screen version because it's the only copy of it that I have ever seen in the flesh. I don't really like the film all that much but I do like Sheri Moon Zombie so it was a done deal.

Next, I saw the first two "Resident Evil" movies in a double feature pack so I had to get it. I like "Resident Evil: Extinction" anyway, and, having watched the first one again, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Getting what used to be a $13 double feature for $2.50 seemed worth it.

Finally, to complete the "4", I went for "Vacancy 2". The first one was good but I have a feeling that this one won't be. I've never seen it so it was a choice between this or "Creepshow III" which I watched ages ago and didn't like apart from the bit with the blonde prostitute. I'll probably review "Vacancy 2" later this week.

Do you like the pawn shops? How about the thrift stores and yard sales? What bargains have you found recently?

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

"While still out to destroy the evil Umbrella Corporation, Alice joins a group of survivors who want to relocate to the mysterious but supposedly unharmed safe haven known only as Arcadia."

I love Milla Jovovich, but she really has to stop making these crappy "Resident Evil" sequels. "Resident Evil: Afterlife" looks good, but it has no real plot worth mentioning, and will just make you wonder why you wasted another hour and a half on this rubbish.

There is no attempt at characterisation whatsoever in this sequel and, unless you've watched the first three films, you'll be completely lost as to what is going on. Even if you have watched the first three films, you'll probably still be left clueless because this film has only a passing resemblance to anything "Resident Evil" related in the first place. Yes, it all looks the same, has far too many "Matrix"-style, slow-motion action scenes, some weird creatures created by the T-virus, and all the other stuff, but it just doesn't have the "survival horror" feel of the previous movies or any of the games. I'm sure even devoted "Resident Evil" fans are disappointed too.

Before this I actually enjoyed "Resident Evil: Extinction" even though it was just another zombie film. I even bought it on DVD. I won't be buying "Resident Evil: Afterlife" when it comes out though as it had nothing in it worth watching again. Ali Larter looked amazingly sexy and really put Milla Jovovich in the shade this time round, but that isn't a good enough reason to want this film in my collection.

I suppose I enjoyed the action scenes and the 3D shenanigans, but they were all just set pieces which didn't have a real story behind them. There's lots of "Equilibrium"-style gun play and creatures which could not possibly exist being shot, blown-up and hacked to pieces, but it all felt empty and soulless. I really wanted this to be the best "Resident Evil" film so far so I was very disappointed that it turned out to be one of the worst.

As much as I want to write a really long review tearing everything apart and explaining how derivative it all was of every other sci-fi/zombie "survival horror" story out there, I really don't want to waste any more time on "Resident Evil: Afterlife" than I already have. I still think Milla Jovovich is gorgeous, but she's never really been able to act much. These big-budget, computer-generated farces won't do anything to change that one way or another.