As hopefully everybody knows by now, I'm proud to be obsessed with cats in horror movies rather than filthy, stinking dogs. Let's face it, the internet is virtually made of cats, most horror fans are owned by cats, and felines crop up in far more horror movies than their canine counterparts.
Having worked for an SPCA (where I fed, watered, cleaned, and walked hundreds of abandoned dogs round and round in circles every day for over a year), I might not particularly like dogs, but I'd never be cruel to any of the dumb, gluttonous creatures.
Still, as far as I'm concerned, dogs are no better than farm animals and should be kept outside. Dog owners' houses always reek even worse than if they had small children or kept pigs inside. Ugh! Then there's the constant drooling, begging for attention, food, and exercise... and that's usually from the owner's themselves.
If you ever needed a reason not to have a dog, here's a quick top ten list of the nastiest dogs in horror.
1. Cujo (1983)
In easily the most famous horror movie featuring a dog, a once friendly St. Bernard named Cujo contracts rabies and traps Donna Trenton (Dee Wallace) and her son in their car. He can't help it, he's sick.
2. Man's Best Friend (1993)
Max, a genetically-mutated Tibetan Mastiff, escapes from the laboratory which created him. He soon changes from being an intelligent and lovable pet into a ferocious weapon of mass destruction who kills anything in his path.
3. The Omen (1976)
Provided as a canine protector for antichrist Damien Thorn (Harvey Stephens), who is himself born of a jackal, this Rottweiler certainly looks and acts the part.
4. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)
An innkeeper's dog saves a woman from being bitten by a bat which is, in fact, Count Dracula in disguise. Angry at losing his meal, Dracula bites the woman's saviour and turns Zoltan into a bloodthirsty vampire.
5. Resident Evil (2002)
What could be scarier than a mutated Doberman Pinscher? Seven mutated Doberman Pinschers, of course. Fortunately, Alice (Milla Jovovich) takes care of all of them.
6. Pet Sematary II (1992)
Having been shot and killed by his owner's sadistic step-father (Clancy Brown), it's not long before Zowie comes back "wrong".
7. Baxter (1989)
In this bleak French comedy-horror, a disturbed Bull Terrier named Baxter develops aggressive and murderous behaviour in his attempt to be adopted by another family.
8. Dogs (1976)
After being exposed to experimental pheromones, a pack of dogs goes on a bloody killing spree in a small Californian town.
9. The Thing (1982)
A shapeshifting alien disguised initially as a Husky causes a whole lot of deadly trouble for a team of Antarctic scientists.
10. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
The human-faced Boxer dog in this sci-fi/horror is more frightening than it may seem, especially when you think about the implications of how it got to be that way.
Bonus: Cabin Fever (2002)
There's a really bad German Shepherd in Eli Roth's gruesome black comedy. Dr. Mambo menaces the students for some time before viciously attacking Marcy (Cerina Vincent).
Remember, don't adopt a dog if you aren't going to look after it properly!
Yes, it's the first "Woeful Wednesday" of 2013, so it's time to start another crappy "indie horror" challenge over at "The Pit of the Pendulum".
This month (and a bit), I will be working my way through the companion box set to "Tomb of Terrors" which came in the "Bloody Nightmares" 100 movie pack: "Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares".
If you've never heard of any of the following titles, it's no big deal. Nobody else has ever heard of them either. This is all the amateur junk that's supposed to be so liberating for filmmakers and actors... although you'd be hard pressed to use either of those terms to describe anyone involved.
Before I Die
The Bewitching
Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank
Burning Dead A Candle in the Dark
Catholic Ghoulgirls
The Crate
The Crawlspace
Dead 7
Dead Body Man
Dead is Dead
The Dead Live
Demon Slaughter
Dominion
Edgar Allan Poe's Madhouse
Goblin
Goth
Hell's Highway
Hellbound: Book of the Dead
High Desert
Hip Hop Locos
Hollywood Vampyr
I Dream of Dracula
I Hate You
Invitation
Las Vegas Blood Bath
Matthew
Mayhem Motel
Nightmare Asylum
Off the Beaten Path
Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City
The River: Legend of La Llorona
Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest
Serial Killer
The Shunned House
Slasher
Suburban Sasquatch
The Summer of the Massacre
Tales of Terror
Terror Toons
Thirteen
This Darkness
Toe Tags
Up For Rent
Vampire Hunter
The Veil
When Heaven Comes Down
Wishbone
The Witching
Zombie Rampage
If you aren't into this crap, I'll still be reviewing movies on "Dr Blood's Video Vault". Keep checking-in because I'm all about the best horror movies here.
For the last two months, I've been watching one of these awful movies every day for my other blog - The Pit of the Pendulum - and I'm now pleased to say that I've finished the first box. Just in time for the world ending too! Yeah, like that's really going to happen.
It wasn't the first time that I've watched these movies as I skimmed through them when I first bought "Tomb of Terrors" back in 2008. A lot of the movies were also shown by Zone Horror in the UK before I moved so I've unfavourably reviewed a couple of them before.
I thought that, given a few years, some of these movies might improve a bit, but I was wrong. As entertaining as they are due to their ineptness, they are all amateur drivel which you have to have something mentally wrong with you to prefer over real mainstream horror. I gave each one a fair chance and tried to be objective, but a bad movie will always be a bad movie even when you are looking for something positive to say about it to redress the balance.
Some of the standouts which are sort of okay are the comedies. For a horror pack, "Tomb of Terrors" has an abundance of comedies with no less than 14 actual comedies and several more which qualify unintentionally. The best of these is "So Mort It Be" (2004) although "Reanimator Academy" (2002) also tickled me. I'm not a big fan of comedy except for "Laurel and Hardy" anyway since I have no sense of humour.
There are also a lot of "crime" movies in the pack which don't contain any horror whatsoever. The ratio isn't as bad as Mill Creek's "250 Horror Movies" pack which has less than 100 horror movies in it once you ignore all the sci-fi, sword and sandals, and ancient serial plays, but it's still annoying even for the original $5. Now that "Tomb of Terrors" costs over $30 in some places, it's really not worth the money if you are a horror fan.
Out of the "real" horror movies, the best ones (in order) are "Siege of Evil" (2005), "Soul of the Demon" (1991), "The Traveler" (2005), and "Inexchange" (2003). The final one barely qualifies, but it's quite a struggle to find any that do.
There's no innovation or originality in this pack so "indie horror" fanatics can suck those stupid claims right up. Most of these movies borrow the formulas from more famous movies and then completely wreck everything by not having the talent to do anything with them. Homages and blatant rip-offs abound.
As for the rest of the titles, it's all down to how many "pretty" girls you want to fast forward to see. In some cases, checking out the insides of other people's houses which are on show is even more fun than looking for "girl next door" types. Bear in mind that sub-porn movie acting and very softcore porn scenes abound depending on what you allow yourself to be sucked into.
I don't recommend "Tomb of Terrors" unless you can get it for the bargain price that I did. Even then, I still don't really recommend it.
"Ilsa is an evil Nazi warden at a death camp that conducts medical experiments. Ilsa's goal is to prove that woman can withstand more pain and suffering than men and therefore should be allowed to fight on the front lines."
Although "women in prison" dramas aren't really my thing, I had nothing better to watch so I went through all four "Ilsa" exploitation movies back to back.
Obviously the first one, "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS", is the best one and it gained some notoriety during the "video nasty" era in Britain. I'm still not completely sure if an uncut version is legally available in the UK especially as the short run of the Anchor Bay DVD release is now stupidly expensive.
For what it was, which was basically a softcore porn movie with some torture scenes, "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS" kept my interest all the way through. I wouldn't say that any of the acting was particularly good but Dyanne Thorne, in spite of not being that attractive facially to me, was quite sexy in other ways.
The story itself was a bit of a boy's adventure in spite of the emphasis really being on the girls in the film. It was juvenile and exploitative but some of the effects held up well for a film made 38 years ago. The make-up was very good indeed but the hirsuteness of the women tended to take away a lot of the eroticism from their scenes as did all the screaming in agony which also accompanied most of them.
As we all know, the Nazis did far worse things in their stalags than anything depicted in this film but, if you are a little bit delicate, you might still find the torture and gore scenes shocking. Some people find films like this funny, but they have something mentally wrong with them anyway.
I'm not sure if I actually enjoyed my time with "Ilsa" as much as I was fascinated by what the filmmakers got away with back in the 1970s. The sequels ("Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks", "The Wicked Warden" and "The Tigress of Siberia") completely ignored the ending of "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS" and were just more of the same in different settings except weaker and more toned down.
Since the "Ilsa" movies are really cult exploitation fodder rather than horror per se, I'm dubious about recommending them to horror fans, but with the current dearth of any new horror releases, they are something to pass the time with instead of rewatching the classics over and over again.
"When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge."
I have to admit that I'd never even heard of "The Loved Ones" until my Australian friend started posting things about it. In my defence, I don't think Australia has ever been known for a producing a lot of horror films and even Wikipedia only lists forty-four of them (some of which aren't really horror at all). When Australia does horror it can either be very bad or very good unlike Canadian horror, for instance, which dips and rises just around the average level every time. If you've never seen an Australian horror film before in your life then, firstly, shame on you, and, secondly, prepare yourself to either love it or hate it as there really is no inbetween. Aussies, in general, have a similar sick sense of humour to Brits which is often quite a brutal surprise to Americans. I also don't think I've ever seen an Australian movie of any kind yet which conforms to Hollywood derived formulas.
The only recent movie that I can think of which has a similar look and feel to it as "The Loved Ones" is the British "Mum & Dad" (2008). Both were funded with some kind of arts grant and so you can be sure that the creativity involved far outweighs the budget. Even so, neither of these films suffer from the piss-poor shaky-cams of low-budget American independents and have very high production values. Basically, "The Loved Ones" is all about having a good story with lots of tension and decent practical effects. Yeah, old school horror movie making at its best.
The only thing which "The Loved Ones" shares with the American nasties is that you won't have heard of anyone involved in it. Unless you are a Twihard then Xavier Samuel, who plays the lead here, won't even be familiar to you as Riley from "Eclipse". In fact he looks so completely different that you won't even think it was the same actor anyway. The rest of the cast have all been around the Australian TV circuit including the soaps, so you won't know who any of them are either. I find all this anonymity very refreshing, but I don't think Robin McLeavy, who plays Lola, will stay hidden away for much longer. She's fantastic.
The acting is incredibly well done overall. Although all of the characters are either a bit quirky or just downright demented, I didn't spot a weak performance anywhere. It's all played reasonably straight even if there are quite a few intentionally amusing moments and the whole thing is a very black comedy anyway. "The Loved Ones" has a slightly lighter feel to it than "Mum & Dad", but it's still pretty gruesome and twisted. It really is difficult to place into a niche as it isn't as ridiculous as any of Peter Jackson's stuff (and, yes, I do know he's a Kiwi), but it's not as mean-spirited as Sam Raimi's earlier work either. Some scenes do homage both these directors, although it really is an homage and not a blatant rip-off.
I'm sure there'll be a few people who will claim "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" inspired a lot of the scenes too and I can agree with them to a point. If you are going to have any kind of twisted murderous family set-up in a movie then obviously there will be similarities to others in the same subgenre. But just as "Mum & Dad" had more in common with the real life serial killers Fred and Rosemary West than "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" so, too, "The Loved Ones" has undoubtedly been inspired by some of the even more incredible true crimes that have been revealed in the last few years. Abduction and torture are nothing new to the horror genre anyway. No matter how much "torture porn" you've seen, "The Loved Ones" is still something a little bit different.
Before I give away the plot even more than the trailer already does, I need to mention a couple of specific things that stood out for me. The first is the sex scene between Xavier Samuel and Victoria Thaine. If you've already seen "The Loved Ones" then you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from with this. All I'm going to say is "moles" and "razor blade round his neck". To those of you who haven't seen this yet but have seen a certain "Austin Powers" movie, just have a nice long twig at the ready. Yes, I found this scene very distracting but not in the way it was probably intended. If the words, "Bite it off!" escape your lips at any point then you are coming with me straight to Hell, okay?
Second, although I can almost tie up the subplot with Richard Wilson and hot goth chick Jessica McNamee as a kind of nicer parallel to the more horrific events that were going on, I wanted all the characters to come together at the end and I was waiting for something that never happened. The more I think about it, the cleverer it all gets because the story didn't take that too predictable route but maybe it should have done. If there is a flaw then that is it but without the subplot there wouldn't have been some important details filled in either. I'm still undecided on whether it really worked or not.
Anyway, I actually think that "The Loved Ones" is one of the best Australian horror movies that I've seen for a long time. Don't even try to compare it to the crap that was "Wolf Creek" because you don't have to wait until the film is almost over for the action to kick-off here. When things start happening they don't really let up. The "torture porn" elements are far more brutal than anything in the "Hostel" movies, even if most of the real grisliness occurs off camera.
I'm happy to rate "The Loved Ones" as a definite 8 out of 10 based on nothing but the sheer pleasure it gave me to watch it. I always feel that it's a bit of a cop out when people say things like, "Yeah, it was bad but very entertaining" and rate an utterly worthless film higher than it should be just because they have no taste or discernment. "The Loved Ones" is not in that category at all, even if it is a teeny bit superficial. "The Loved Ones" is a film that horror fans will really enjoy because it's actually good, is very well made, and is a quality product all round.
Incidentally, God only knows how Bloody-Disgusting got a mention on the trailer as "The Loved Ones" is a good film, has nothing to do with Platinum Dunes, and doesn't deserve that kiss of death at all. If you've started to ignore recent releases because of biased internet reviewers then stick with everyone in the Horror Blogger Alliance. None of us are paid to review horror movies, we just do it because it's our passion.
I can't honestly say that "The Loved Ones" is particularly scary, and I must admit that I fancied Robin McLeavy a lot more than I really should have but, for the sheer harrowing and inventive brutality, I absolutely loved it. It's not going to make me scared of visiting Australia (the enormous deadly spiders they have there is already enough!) in the way that the "Hostel" films tried to make everyone xenophobic about Europe, but it's certainly going to make me keep an eye on the Australian horror movie scene in case another gem like this ever pops up in the future.
"In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride."
Well, I'm nearly at the end of my series of torture movies which I'm sure is a relief to everyone not least of all me. There's only one more to go after this (excluding the "Saw" franchise which I'll probably never review) but it's a good one and I can take my time over it.
I'm not going to spend very long reviewing "Train" though because it just isn't worth the effort. It's not a remake of "Terror Train" thankfully but it's yet another ripoff of "Hostel" with all the xenophobia about Eastern Europe and all that other nonsense.
The best way of describing this film is to rename it as "Turistas on a Train". That's all it is but with the gorgeous Melissa George replaced by a really butch looking Thora Birch.
There were some really nasty torture scenes as usual with varying levels of ridiculousness and the story was entertaining enough if you don't think about it too hard but, honestly, it's so far beyond unoriginal that it's actually boring to watch.
I'll just do a brief recap of the main points of the film. A team of American wrestlers (I kid you not, this is supposed to be a sport!) go out partying and miss the train to their next event. Knowing no Russian, their coach shouts his mouth off about nobody being able to speak English and an older yet still attractive Russian woman helps him out by telling him which train they should all take.
From then on it just gets silly. When asked for their passports, they all happily surrender them for "safe keeping" to two lecherous train staff even though everyone on the planet knows that you never give your passport to anybody when you are abroad ever.
Next the team members start disappearing one by one and find themselves being taken to the back of the train where they are cut up for their various organs without anaesthetic, realism, suspense, or any acting ability whatsoever. It's all so horribly derivative that it just makes you want to laugh no matter what vileness is depicted on screen. There's everything from a "Wolf Creek" head-on-a-stick moment to various scenes of ripping out eyes, castration and all manner of mutilations in between.
During all this Thora Birch manages to avoid capture by the Russian woman (who turns out to be a doctor) and her lumbering assistants. Honestly, you won't know whether to laugh or cry, switch it off or kick your TV screen in. If you've actually bought this DVD then I think you'll probably want to do all of those things to some extent.
The funny thing is that even though everything in "Train" is so mediocre apart from the gore, there's still enough there to make you want to watch it all the way to the end just to see what happens. It's completely predictable though and not at all memorable. It even has an epilogue where you are supposed to think about how "badass" Thora Birch will be after surviving all this horror. That's nothing compared to how badass, or maybe just plain bad, you will feel if you endure this entire movie yourself.
It obviously had a pretty good budget but it still looks all grainy and cheap like the "Saw" sequels, "Captivity" and others of that ilk. There's nothing you can say about the acting really because nobody does any worth perking up for. The Russians are actually Bulgarians so they don't even need to fake their accents and everyone else just does as much as the script allows them to but no more. There is actually such a complete disregard for characterisation that it's impossible to care about anybody or what happens to them. I didn't think there could ever be a film like this which would be poorer than "Hostel" but now I know.
The bottom line is that if you want to see a complete ripoff of every other torture porn movie that has gone before with the events all taking place on a train then this is for you. If you are tired of seeing people being tied up, hung from chains and meathooks, screaming as big chunks of their bodies get ripped or sliced off, then give it a miss. Actually, I'll probably never get completely tired of seeing any of those things but it's all to do with context.
If you know someone who has never seen a horror movie before then slip them this and prepare to laugh when they tell you how it was the most horrible and disgusting thing that they've ever watched. For those of us who have seen the same thing done better many times before, it will still be the most horrible thing we've ever watched too but for completely different reasons.
"Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps."
I thought that I'd reviewed this film ages ago when it first came out but, having looked through my notes, it seems I must have just talked to people about it and imagined writing a review because I don't have one. Maybe it was on my hard drive during the ill-fated week when I tried Ubuntu 10.04 out and had to wipe everything because it didn't work properly. Who knows? I'll just have to make up for it by reviewing it now.
So, "The Collector" is yet another "in the tradition of Saw" serial killer movies with a few good kills, a bit of torture and quite a few action scenes.
I was hoping that it was a remake of William Wyler's 1965 film of the same name starring Terence Stamp but, alas, subtle horror like that just doesn't work anymore. I think there may be a couple of nods to it even so. There's kidnapping and all that other good stuff in this though so I wasn't too disappointed. The premise of the film reminded me a bit of "Captured" from 1998 with Andrew Divoff but there are quite a few films where thieves break into houses only to end up becoming the victims themselves so any hope for an original story would seem to be futile.
The new spin on things here is that the psycho serial killer who only gets named as "The Collector" is a real sick dude who has such incredible handyman skills that he can set up a house full of mutilating traps in the few hours he has between pretending to be an exterminator and kidnapping an entire family apart from one daughter who has gone out and her sister who he can't find. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a black comedy but it seems to be played pretty straight so I'm not sure. Maybe it's just plotholes or the fact that it's ultimately not actually a very good film but all the traps and the time the killer has to set them up are a bit of a stretch.
The hero, if we can call him that, is played by Josh Stewart who I think is a bit of a David Arquette lookalike if you get him from the right angle. Maybe that's just me. His character, Arkin, is quite likable even though you know he's not exactly a good guy. I suppose you could say that his intentions are good but I think that real thieves are the scum of the earth so I really didn't care what happened to him. As much as I enjoyed the alternative ending with its more honest approach to what most of us would really do in the situation, the even more unhappy ending is what Arkin actually deserved. Horror movies have often been morality tales and "The Collector" simply continues the trend. It's not up there with John Carpenter's "Halloween" or any of the earlier "Friday the 13th" sequels but there are clearly some messages in it about what happens when you do wrong.
Similarly, the older daughter, Jill, played by Madeline Zima, gets her comeuppance for for breaking some obvious horror movie rules about sexual morality. It's like going back to the '80s with stuff like this but it's sometimes nice to see a few clichés. One thing is for sure, Madeline Zima certainly has a fine pair of clichés in this film.
There were quite a few things I didn't like about "The Collector" though. There's a pretty nasty and totally unnecessary scene with a cat which means that I will never have this film in my collection. I can't endorse things like that because I know how impressionable some people can be and I can almost hear the cheers from an audience of stupid little teenagers who would probably like to film their own version and stick it up on YouTube. There are enough little retards filling up animal shelters with the results of what they think is funny already and I find any animal cruelty (fake or not) in movies to be totally reprehensible. I don't particularly care what happens to people because they have a say in what happens to them but anything to do with animals is another matter. It really makes me want to get on my soapbox not because the scene caused any emotional response in me but because it was just so puerile and irresponsible. Hopefully sane people will be disgusted by what happens to the cat. There's a dog death later too for dog lovers to get upset about.
Although I found the gory effects used to be quite realistic, the action scenes themselves were overdone and incredible in a bad way. I probably should have used the word "implausible" but I was hoping to save that for my summary. Everything in "The Collector" is implausible even so but I suppose that's why it's a movie and not real life.
I was quite disappointed by the way the movie looked. At first I thought it was going to be yet another horrible handycam nasty as it seemed grainy and cheap. I'm still not entirely sure that it shouldn't be included in that category because the acting although adequate was nothing very special and the script even less so. There were just too many times where my willing suspension of disbelief was lost because of all the ridiculous traps or the superhuman qualities of "The Collector" himself. He pretty much turned into another Jason Voorhees at one point instead of a Spaniard in some kind of gimp mask.
One other thing I noticed was that there wasn't really a lot of tension to all the "cat and mouse" (or, more appropriately, "spider and fly") shennanigans inside the house. There were a couple of moments involving the safe where the timing was almost perfect but then things got a little bit predictable especially when it came to jump scares.
The ending, which presumably sets things up for some kind of sequel which I hope never gets made, was at least ten minutes too long. Although it was necessary from a moral angle, it was full of moments which jumped the shark and ruined a lot of the good things which had come before. Yes, in spite of writing what I now realise has turned into a pretty negative review, I can accept that there were quite a few good bits to this film too and it was generally entertaining to watch. I just felt that I'd seen a lot of this before not because it was completely unoriginal, because it wasn't, but because there's just so much you can do with any home invasion/torture movie in the first place.
I don't recommend "The Collector" because basically it's not so much derivative of the "Saw" franchise as it is a "Home Alone" for adults. The attempts to be original almost worked but then yet another formula came into play and undermined them. It wasn't all that scary either but it was disgusting enough if you like gore. It wasn't a very deep movie especially with a plot that you can summarise in one sentence if you really want to but, then again, what horror movie is? It's not as if any of us watch these things for some kind of spiritual enlightenment.
Years ago, I used to read reviews of films like this which often ended with the words, "beer and pizza". I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't really want either when watching this film but, as yet another bit of averageness among far too many similar offerings, you might enjoy it with whatever beverages and snacks (or lack of them) you choose.
"A former porn star accepts a role of a lifetime, not realizing that the director has murderous intentions."
Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for because you may just get it. Only a couple of days ago, I was ranting on this very blog about wanting to see a real ADULT horror movie and now director Srdjan Spasojevic has given me one with "A Serbian Film".
If you haven't heard the rumours about this uber brutal "torture porn" (never has the term been more appropriate!) then I'm not going to spoil it for you. I have deliberately not posted the trailer either though I'm sure you'll find it yourselves on YouTube without too much trouble.
But if you do know what I'm talking about then rest assured that "A Serbian Film" is everything you think it is and more. It's one of the most well made horror films that I have ever seen and makes even "Martyrs" look tame. If you are easily offended by ANYTHING then don't watch it... EVER!
The funny thing is, as a hardcore horror buff, I was able to sit through this and enjoy it without feeling the slightest twinge or any compassion for the characters whatsoever. Perhaps it's because I know that "IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!" and anything on screen is only as real as you want it to be. But maybe, just maybe, what I watched was distancing enough for me to not even care. Technically it was superb. Emotionally? Well, I didn't find it sick, scary or anything but I'm sure other people probably will.
I have noticed on various horror forums that there are so-called horror fans protesting that they are never going to watch "A Serbian Film" because it's so "disgusting". What a bunch of hypocritical wimps! They moan continuously that there is nothing new in the genre and when something does come out that will possibly "horrify" them, they all want to boycott it. What do they want? Another "Nightmare on Elm Street" remake? If you love horror then you absolutely have to see this film!
The last taboos of the torture porn subgenre have finally been broken and this is the result. In fact EVERY taboo gets broken in this movie apart from cruelty to animals and nobody wants to ever see that anyway. Even bestiality gets "an honourable mention"! I actually have a kind of empty anti-climactic feeling that now there is nowhere left to go. "A Serbian Film" has finally fulfilled every true horror fan's dream and killed it stone dead at the same time.
What next? What could possibly top this? Maybe it's time to get back into the more supernatural storylines again and away from these physical and realistic looking shocks. There's nothing to think about with movies like this. You just sit back and enjoy the ride. On the highest levels, I can see what Srdjan Spasojevic was getting at and understand the political message of Vukmir's "film within a film" but I just don't care about it. I liked it for what it was at its most superficial level and I also don't even care about how that makes me look.
I even liked the characters in this yet strangely felt not one iota of sympathy for any of them apart from almost a moment with Lejla, the porn actress who brought Milos to Vukmir in the first place. Did she get what she deserved I wonder? Yes, I think she did. There are no innocents in this film but there are some damn fine actors.
Is this the most perverse exploitation film I've ever watched though? I've seen them all - "Mum & Dad", "Salo", "Irreversible", "Murder Set Pieces", the list could go on and on right back to "I Spit on your Grave" or the banned video nasties of the 1980s. I'd say it was actually on a level with "Baise-Moi" but slicker even though the subject matter went into a much darker place. It's not the most disturbing thing I've ever seen either. "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover" or the end of "Last Exit to Brooklyn" affected me much more than anything here. Not that anything I ever see on screen affects me at all once the end credits come up.
I really did enjoy "A Serbian Film". The story was good, the camerawork was good, and even the techno music pumping through it was good. I used the same word a lot there but that's the only way to describe the 104 minutes that I spent watching realistic yet still completely fake special effects, blood, gore, screaming, violence, murder, rape, paedophilia, incest, necrophilia, brutal rough sex and death. It was GOOD!
I'm pretty sure that the infamy of what occurs in this film has eclipsed any chance I have of writing a fair review, but I'll give it a go anyway.
In case you didn't know, "The Human Centipede" is yet another in a long line of "torture porn" atrocities which, on a purely personal level, I think are absolutely fantastic! What happens this time? If you didn't click straight on the trailer above, here's the synopsis from the IMDb:
In Germany, two American women and a Japanese man fall victim to a demented surgeon who plans to recreate a horrific operation with humans that he performed on his three beloved dogs: reverse-engineering Siamese triplets by attaching their digestive systems.
So can you figure it out yet? How would you attach three human beings together? Obvious, isn't it? ASS to MOUTH! Yes, that's the bloody deal here. It's a bit of a one joke act, but that's the be all and end all of "The Human Centipede".
For those of you expecting a real gore fest, you are going to be sadly disappointed. Most of the horrific operation stuff occurs off screen presumably due to budgetary constraints. I suppose that accidentally makes this very "old school" in that what you imagine is actually worse than what you will see. But, rest assured, you do get to see the centipede in all its glory for the next two-thirds of the film.
The real horror of it all is from empathising with the two girls and man who have been sewn together. The only problem is that the man is Japanese (and doesn't speak a word of English) and the girls were both a pair of annoying airheads who nobody would feel sorry for anyway.
It's not as if there really could have been any better characterisation because these girls are pretty much in "Hostel" territory, out for a good time and not using any common sense. How the Japanese guy was captured is anyone's guess, but it undoubtedly involved a tranquilizer gun. He does have a backstory which comes into tragic effect later, but he isn't a very sympathetic character either.
None of the victims do anything particularly wrong to get themselves captured by the mad doctor (played admirably by Dieter Laser). He's a first class psycho who has it all worked out. What he wants, he gets, and they really didn't stand a chance. Again this is a recurring theme in the "torture" genre. Bad things just do (and will) happen to good people. Is that scary or just life? I'll leave that for you to decide.
Seeing the human centipede being trained like a dog, and the obvious nastiness of how it eats, is nothing compared to something like "Salo". But, yes, the predicament of the three people is horrible and you wouldn't want to be the middle one! Again, it's all down to how much you could think yourself into their place and what you would do that makes this horror either work or fail.
You'll just have to watch this yourself to see what I mean. It's the kind of film that makes you question a lot of what you've seen after it ends, and that's always a very good thing. Whether or not it scares you or just makes you feel a bit ill is another matter.
Technically everything is really good. It doesn't look "low-budget", the camerawork is professional/steady, the sound is clear, and the effects are nicely done but underused. The acting is actually pretty good too.
There's due to be a bigger budget remake next year so who knows what other horrors the director, Tom Six, will have for us. I think you'll like "The Human Centipede" when you get chance to see it, mainly because it's something a little bit different. I liked it anyway.
Jesus wept! If you've never seen "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" (or even if you have!) then "Martyrs" is likely to be the most brutal and horrific movie you've ever seen.
Following in the tradition of other French horrors such as "Haute Tension", "Ils", and "A L'interieur", 'Martyrs" is tense, disturbing, violent, and somewhat ludicrous (if you think about it too much) yet absolutely sickening (and very entertaining) in ways that only true horror fans can fully appreciate. Yes, "Martyrs" does provide that horror "buzz" that we've all been chasing for years and is unlikely to disappoint anybody.
It's half revenge story and half "Hostel" but with much better acting than any of Eli Roth's films contain and with considerably more realistic effects. In fact it's this realism that gives it the edge over most American movies in the same almost "torture porn" sub-genre. There's real drama here too and, for the most part, believable characters who you can actually empathise with without overlong introductions so to even start to think of it in the same vein as something like the "Saw" franchise would be a big mistake. In many ways, it's more like a logical progression from the more arty European films like "Salo" or "Calvaire" but follows the Aristotlean rule that "art is best when hidden". "Martyrs" will, by turns, shock you and give you something to think about which is both its strength and its weakness but more on that later.
The practical effects and make-up are outstanding and there are no over-the-top CGI blood spurts like a lot of these gorefests have contained lately. There's nothing much here to break the "willing suspension of disbelief" although a certain scene involving a hastily dropped sandwich almost ruined it for me because I thought it was wasteful. It's funny how the little things like that can throw you right out of the story when you notice them and you will now too because I've just mentioned it. You'll find others along the way but hang in there as they are all "blink and you'll miss them" moments.
For those who are less eagle-eyed, pedantic and geeky, there are lots of boobs and blood. Oh God, there's so much blood! There are slicings galore, scenes of extreme torture, body-shredding gunshots, and a denouement which will absolutely amaze you. The ending itself will fly over most people's heads though and cause a lot of internet searching for others who want to know and can't work it out. I admit that I went vainly in search of answers too as the one I'd made up in my own mind was the least likely to be correct. There's some kind of nihilistic philosphical message at the end of this which I just can't get my brain around.
If you think you've seen everything with the "Saw" movies or "August Underground" then think again. Imagine any of those films with much better camerawork and without the grainy look and you'd only be a fraction of the way there. This is real cinematic stuff which, because it's never likely to be shown anywhere theatrically, really needs to be watched alone on the biggest widescreen TV that you have available even if it's just to see every facial expression of the lead actresses. Almost every shot is perfect and the actresses are beautiful even if they don't stay that way for very long. It's not a sexy film by any means though. This is all bleak, mean-spirited stuff but done so well that you just can't turn it off even though you know that you'll end up thinking about it for a long time after.
There are very few films that I've enjoyed yet wished that I'd never watched and this is one of them. Yes, it's a paradox. Films like "Martyrs" leave a nasty taste in your mouth afterwards and make you wonder what the hell is wrong with the people who make them to begin with. That said, it does exactly what a horror film should do - it "horrifies". I can't criticise the makers for creating exactly the effect that I want from a film but I wish there had been a happier ending.
Yes, I'm back to that ending again. In spite of all the shocks and gore, the ending is left to the viewer to interpret. I've encountered this before with such films as "The Univited Guest" and it really is annoying if you're used to having stories handed to you on a plate in Hollywood style. Some arty-farty people will see it as one of "Martyrs" strengths but from a purely entertainment point of view, I found it to be a major weakness. The catharsis that should have occurred is left to work itself out by gnawing away at the viewer long after the film has ended and that simply isn't a good way to do things. It leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction which, translated into normal viewing terms, would probably elicit a "That sucked!" response in 75% of cases. Maybe I'm wrong here though and people will get it or maybe I'm right and "Martyrs" will end up in the same pile as "Haute Tension" with comments like "Good film apart from the ending" attached to them for all eternity. It's not a polarising film by any means though so even if you don't "get" the ending, I don't suppose it'll matter. I didn't get it either but I still think "Martyrs" is one of the greatest horror movies ever made.
For that reason, I recommend "Martyrs" to everyone. This is one of the best movies so far this century and more than makes up for the overhyped "Inside" and "Frontière(s)" which have caused so many message board arguments. Couple it with "The Girl Next Door" as a double feature and I guarantee you'll have nightmares for a while no matter how hardcore you think you are.
After the success of the Jackass boys, the Dirty Sanchez team probably thought it would be a good idea to make a movie. It wasn't.
This has none of the puerile humour of Jackass just a load of hit and miss self-mutilations which just make you think "Idiots!" rather than laugh either at them or with them.
They tried to give it a "Seven Deadly Sins" theme but it didn't really go that way. It was more "Seven Different Countries" and smacks of just being unedited highlights from the MTV series cobbled together quickly to compete with "Jackass: The Movie 2".
In Russia (for "Anger"), they paintballed a semi-naked Pritchard while getting him to believe he was setting a new world record. The idiot also got himself tattooed with the words "I love Johnny Knoxville" in Russian because he was too stupid to realise what it said! Oh how funny... not!
Pancho got spray painted green as the Hulk while he slept in a drunken stupor (for "Sloth") and, of course, in Russia they shaved his head and poured ketchup on it to make him look like Gorbachev. Oh how hilarious... again... not!
They went to Tokyo (for "Pride") and got beaten up by extreme wrestlers while rolling in broken glass, stayed in a rat infested hovel on some tourist island - Dominican Republic maybe (for "Envy"), judged a ladyboy competition in Thailand (for "Lust"), and for even bigger laughs gave Pancho liposuction. Of course, later Joycey had to drink the liposucked fat which came with the obligatory vomiting that you'd expect. Oh well, I suppose it's cannibalism, sort of.
The stupidest thing in the whole travesty was Pritchard cutting the end of his little finger off Samurai style with a cigar cutter in Tokyo. What a completely stupid thing to do. What entertainment was there in that? There was a lot of blood though!
I've forgotten the other locations now and have no idea what they did for "Greed". They did something in a desert (somewhere in America) eating insects or something which I suppose was for "Gluttony"... but we've seen it all before on "I'm a Celebrity get me out of here!" and "Fear factor" so it was all pretty lame.
None of this was remotely funny. It's all gone too far. What was originally stupidly masochistic and slightly gay entertainment has now turned into full on self-mutilation for money. It's not daring anymore, just ridiculous.
I wouldn't watch this if I was you. Jackass 2 is much better.
