Elysium (2013)

"Set in the year 2154, where the very wealthy live on a man-made space station while the rest of the population resides on a ruined Earth, a man takes on a mission that could bring equality to the polarized worlds."

Using key plot elements from "Johnny Mnemonic" (1995) and "In Time" (2011) may not be enough for the general public to hate "Elysium", but the "critics" have certainly gone out of their way to bash this movie with those reasons already. Consequently, I have very little to add to their arguments except that I didn't like the predictable self-sacrifice ending either.

What? Have I just ruined the movie for you? Too bad. You've had over a month to watch it, and it's not playing in cinemas now anyway. On top of that, "Elysium" is just another generic sci-fi movie set in a dystopian future which looks good but you've seen dozens of times before. Admittedly, you probably haven't seen one with Jodie Foster's mouth movements out of sync with her words, but that's a dubious bonus which you can now avoid until the DVD is released.

Unlike the "critics" (even though I'm one of them), I'm not going to hate "Elysium" for being aesthetically similar to "District 9" (2009) since it's by the same director, but it's disappointing that poor people (and "prawns") living in scrapyards have become Neill Blomkamp's trademark. As a South African with a bee in his bonnet about apartheid, Blomkamp also seems destined to repeat the same "rich vs. poor" storyline—with the underdogs always representing good—for the rest of his career. Maybe things will change in his next big sci-fi movie "Chappie", but I doubt it.

"Elysium" isn't without some merits, however. It's nicely paced for one thing, and Matt Damon might not be everyone's cup of tea as Max, but he's not bad in the action scenes, even if those scenes are worse than the Bourne trilogy for making it impossible to tell who is doing what to who. He certainly looks the part once all the robotic enhancements have been done to him, although how he managed to get his dirty t-shirt back on afterwards is anyone's guess. I didn't dislike his character, but there's not enough there to feel anything for him either.

"Everything I found out, I wanna forget."

South African Sharlto Copley, on the other hand, steals the show as psycho-mercenary Kruger, albeit with Alice Braga coming a close second by providing splendid eyecandy as Max's former love interest. Both are far more interesting characters than the doomed Max despite being as stereotypically two-dimensional. William Fichtner (aka Sheriff Tom Underlay from the cancelled "Invasion" TV series) has a small, very important (and extremely typecast) role, but is the only other actor worth taking notice of. Everyone else is either just there playing dress-up or in bit parts which are instantly forgettable.

As a sci-fi "popcorn flick", it's not worth reading anything into "Elysium" apart than what's right in front of you. The lapses in logic are so obvious that there wouldn't be a story at all if they didn't exist, but if that's what some people want to waste their time arguing about on blogs and message boards, good luck to them. I must admit that I read a few of the oh-so-serious nerdy debates before writing this review and had a chuckle over them.

There's definitely entertainment to be had here for teenagers or anyone with low-intelligence and expectations who enjoyed "Oblivion" or "Pacific Rim", but having said that, I enjoyed a few of the gorier action scenes too. I'm not ashamed of leaving my brain outside the movie theatre occasionally, especially when I don't have that much interest in the sci-fi genre to begin with.

It's Friday the 13th again!

And I couldn't care less. I hate that stupid '80s crap.

All you're going to hear about today is "Friday the 13th" this and "Jason Voorhees" that until you're sick to death of it too. "Don't forget to buy the new overpriced Blu-ray boxset with crappy packaging that scratches the discs inside!" etc., etc., etc.

Yeah, you can now buy all the movies again on Blu-ray for nearly $90 - Friday the 13th: The Complete Collection [Blu-ray] - as if that'll make them magically better. Yawn! I don't think so.

Seen one, seen 'em all.

Feel free to read my review of the first "Friday the 13th" here though.


A Quick Guide to Friday the 13th
(by Blizzard_Beasts from the IMDb. I wish I'd written what follows, but I didn't.)

Part 1 - Jason's mom kills people, and she is beheaded at the end.

Part 2 - Jason wants revenge and starts killing people, and survives a machete to the shoulder at the end.

Part 3 - Jason still wants revenge and keeps killing, and survives an axe to the face/skull at the end.

Part 4 - Jason still wants revenge, and young Tommy Jarvis kills him by putting a knife through his eye that comes out the back of his skull. At this point Jason is dead and gone.

Part 5 - Since Jason is dead, a copycat killer wears Jason's mask and starts killing people, and he gets killed at the end by being impaled on spikes.

Part 6 - Even though Jason is dead, Tommy Jarvis wants to destroy him by digging up his body and setting it on fire. But for some reason, he sticks a metal pole in Jason's chest during a storm. Lightning strikes it and brings back a zombie Jason, who still wants revenge. At the end, Jason is chained to a rock at the bottom of the lake.

Part 7 - Girl has psychic powers. Her dad dies by mistake. She tries to resurrect her dad with her powers, but accidentally breaks open Jason's chains, and Jason comes out still looking for revenge. At the end, she brings her dad back with her powers, and her dad drops Jason to the bottom of the lake once again just like the end of Part 6.

Part 8 - A power line gets hit by a boat and causes electrical currents to flow through Jason's body, and he's back once again for revenge. He gets killed by toxic waste at the end.

Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell - ignored all the previous parts since the franchise was sold to New Line Cinema.

Part 10: Jason X - ignored Part 9.

Part 11: Freddy vs Jason - ignored Part 10.

Part 12 - reboot, ignored everything.


If you really must watch something about "Friday the 13th", here's Paul Zamarelli's video instead. It's informative but slightly incorrect. "Friday the 13th" jumped the shark long before New Line Cinema took over the franchise!



Bored now.

54 reasons why Beetlejuice sucks!

Heavily promoted by the blogosphere's Horror Lamers clique as "teh bestest moovee evah", "Beetlejuice" (1988) competes with "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (1975), "The Addams Family" (1991), "Psycho" (1998), "Shaun of the Dead" (2004), and "Trick 'r Treat" (2007) for the coveted title of my most hated film of all time.

I just can't abide any part of it. Even hearing someone mention the name is enough to get my hackles up, and if they then go on to say that they love the movie, they soon cease to be an associate of mine. I'm not ashamed to say that I've blocked people on Facebook and Twitter because of this piece of crap. If I had my way, all copies of the thing would be rounded-up and burnt on a huge bonfire!

Some would say that I simply have an irrational dislike of "Beetlejuice" based on my equally irrational dislike of all things Tim Burton and Alec Baldwin related, but that's not entirely true. While I freely admit to going out of my way to avoid any Tim Burton or Alec Baldwin movie, I have many good reasons for hating this one—fifty-four of them, in fact—which I now present for you below.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

1. Tim Burton has only directed one good movie in his whole career—"Batman Returns" (1992)—and, obviously, this is not it.

2. "Beetlejuice" was originally meant to be a real horror film, not a crappy comedy. According to the IMDb:

Looking for a project to make after the success of "Pee Wee's Big Adventure," Burton optioned a script by horror author Michael McDowell. Being a horror author, McDowell's script was decidedly non-comedic, and was primarily a horror-thriller with a few minor comic elements. McDowell's story featured no Afterlife sequences, no other ghosts except for the Maitlands, and depicted Beetlejuice as a winged, reptilian demon who co-opted the position of an angel named Swallowtail, who helps ghosts lead peaceful existences while they await entry into their permanent resting places. Beetlejuice's goal is to kill the Deetzes rather than get them out of the house, and once he's dug up by the Maitlands, he cannot be controlled; the idea that he can be summoned and exiled by repeating his name three times was not added to the script until Burton became involved. This Beetlejuice wanders the "living world," assuming a variety of different forms to torment the Deetzes, and in the climax attempts to kill the Deetzes' nine-year-old daughter, Cathy, who was the only person able to see the Maitlands (as opposed to Lydia, who in McDowell's script was a disaffected, sixteen year old punk rocker whom Beetlejuice attempts to rape). The Maitlands then guide Cathy through an exorcism ritual that both allows them to be seen to the Deetzes and banishes Beetlejuice to another realm.

3. The opening credits with corny Danny Elfman "oompah" music will set anybody sane's teeth on edge. You just know that this is going to be a comedy rather than a horror movie, and that horrible sick feeling where bile rises up inside you begins.

4. 2:57 - Animal cruelty! Horrible as spiders are anyway, Adam (Alec Baldwin's character) launches a great-big-hairy-one to certain death by throwing it out of the window instead of carefully taking it outside. "If you want to live and thrive, let a spider run alive!" Predictably, poetic justice soon follows.

5. 3:08 - Geena Davis was hotter than hot back in the day, but her character is dressed like a frumpy 80-year-old! What a terrible waste! No wonder Adam would rather play with his lame little model village than his wife. Yeah, right. It's so unrealistic! If you have something which looks like Geena Davis as a wife, there's no way that she's leaving the bedroom again until she really is 80 years old!

6. 5:18 - Adam listens to the crappiest music in the crappiest way possible. Mono cassette recorder! Ugh! At 19:15, you can see that he owns a much better looking stereo to play his fuzzy warbles on in his office.

7. 7:37 - One of the first rules of driving is that you never swerve to avoid hitting anything. Always brake instead! If the Maitlands had braked and run that nasty little yappy-dog over, the movie could have been all about them trying to make a baby for two weeks instead. Now that would have been worth watching!

8. 9:17 - WTF is up with this green screen crap? Dated much?

9. 9:43 - Apparently, ghosts are like vampires and cast no reflections. Gah!

10. 11.08 - The title of the movie is wrong, as you can clearly see. It's supposed to be "Betelgeuse" just like the star!

Candyman... Candyman... Candyman... whatever.

11. 13:46 - Delia Deetz (Catherine O'Hara) is kinda smokin' hot, but she's married to a cardigan-wearing doofus like Charles (Jeffrey Jones)! In what universe would anything like that really happen? Presumably, the same one where Geena Davis is a model village "widow".

12. 14:41 - Winona Ryder, as emo-kid Lydia, can't act!!! And what's with her Victorian funeral clothes? She's too miserable to be a Goth!

13. 15:12 - Introducing Otho (Glenn Shadix) aka a cheap attempt to milk some homophobic humour out of a camp stereotype in a PG-rated movie! And why does he come in through the window rather than using the front door? Apart from using his awkwardness and size to make him look even more ridiculous, it's never explained.

14. 17:44 - Crappy-looking decapitated head effect followed by a even crappier headless body running around. How is this supposed to be funny apart from being inept?

15. 20:18 - Lousy stop-motion sandworm... on Saturn! But Saturn is classified as a gas giant because it's almost completely made of gas and not sand.

16. 23:00 - Adam can't read or pronounce things properly. Typical Yank! Form your own conclusions for why he makes Betelgeuse sound like a Jewish name.

17. 29:59 - Why is sexy Miss Argentina (Patrice Martinez) green with a pinky-orangey wig and cape? What's she meant to be? Did Captain Kirk diddle her in "Star Trek" or something? She slashed her wrists as a suicide; she didn't suffocate!

18. 33:07 - "I've been feeling a little flat." Really? Is that the best joke anyone could come up with? It's also the only actual joke in this so-called comedy. Hilarious if you're still in infant school.

19. 33.27 - There's no greater accomplishment than ripping off the style of "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" (1920) because you have no imagination of your own, is there? How (un)original.

20. 37:56 - Totally unconvincing stop-motion fly. How feeble is it not to use a real house-fly? Wasteful too. Flies are pretty cheap, and there are lots of them around. The Insect Actors Union will hear about this!

21. 38:17 - "Help me! Help meeee!" Because the target audience of 8-year-olds are likely to be familiar with "The Fly" (1958), aren't they?

22. 40:30 - Oh, how risque! Meh.

23. 41:52 - Because the target audience of 8-year-olds are likely to be familiar with "Night of the Living Dead" (1968) too?

24. 43:32 - Awful incongruous background music.

25. 44:35 - Even more ill-fitting (that means the same as "incongruous", just so you know) background music.

26. 46:03-46:56 - Why is Betelgeuse in a coffin, and why do the Maitlands need to dig him up? What's the point? Shouldn't he just appear when summoned like Candyman? A minute's worth of padding. Gah!

27. 47:46 - More animal cruelty! No need to throw the poor little mousey like that! That's a long drop for a tiny rodent!

28. 48:25 - "I've seen 'The Exorcist' about 167 times..." just like the target audience haven't, but 167 times more than the Horror Lamers have.

29. 48:27 - "And it keeps getting funnier every time I see it!" Exactly what's wrong with today's retarded "yukyukyuk" horror fans who would laugh to see a pudding crawl. "The Exorcist" is certainly not comedy, but now they will think it is because Betelgeuse says so. Ironically, however, it is funnier than "Beetlejuice".

30. 48:41 - Jerk-off gesturing is a bit much for a little kids' comedy, isn't it? I'm no prude, but WTF? Followed by a bit of upskirt perving at 49:00. Again, WTF?

31. 50:22 - The infamous F-bomb is dropped with a honking crotch-grab! Oh dear. Tim Burton really does have no idea who his target audience is meant to be.

32. 50:32 - "He seemed awfully pissed off," as the potty-mouthing continues. Oh, how boundary-pushing! Not. Did Tim Burton help Rob Zombie out with dialogue later?

33. 51:32 - A little bit of homophobia directed at Otho in a particularly unpleasant manner by Beryl (Adelle Lutz). Not even delivered in a joking way. Otho's witty "The Wizard of Oz" referencing comeback is, unfortunately, the most memorable line in the whole movie. Had to be "The Wizard of Oz" too, didn't it? Because we all know who stereotypically loves Judy Garland musicals!

34. 52:34-54:24 - The self-indulgent, incongruent and absolutely cringeworthy lip-syncing musical interlude.



Obviously this occurs for padding and because nobody could think of anything better to put in. On a deeply personal level, I detest this "possession" scene more than any other in any movie ever.

35. 59:46 - Pitiful Betelgeuse-snake stop-motion animation. Almost as bad as something Ray Harryhausen would have done 7 years earlier. So unrealistic.

36. 1:01:37 - "Edgar Allan Poe's daughter". Only a couple of things wrong with that reference and its implications.

37. 1:01:57 - Crappy misquoted "Dirty Harry" line for no laughs whatsoever.

38. 1:02:27 - A whorehouse in a kids' film? Not only age-inappropriate, but in this case, suggestive of necrophilia too. This is a PG! It's not even a PG-13!

39. 1:06:14-1:06:51 - The surreal (and poorly done) stop-motion metamorphoses of the Maitlands into God knows what their heads are supposed to be. Too weird. Too much of what Tim Burton was to become.

40. 1:07:18 - Further proof that Winona Ryder can't act. Exceedingly flat line delivery even for a depressive teenager with Asparagus Syndrome. She has less expression changes than Liv Tyler or Kristen Stewart put together!

41. 1:08:02 - A gross-out cockroach-eating moment. Animal cruelty!

42. 1:08:49 - "...and shit like that..." Oh, who even cares at this point?

43. 1:10:13 - Stupid unconvincing masks. What's the point when Barbara changes back (at 1:10:44) before the Maitlands get chance to use their "fright faces" on their intended victims anyway?

44. 1:14:14 - The whole atmosphere of what could be a chillingly tense seance/conjuring scene is completely ruined by more of Danny Elfman's music overpowering everything.

45. 1:17:37 - The two decaying-corpse ghosts hovering over the dining table could be one of the most horrific images ever... except that it's in a shitty kiddified comedy! Waste!

46. 1:18:46 - Betelgeuse's WTF fairground costume jumps the shark into cartoon land! It makes no sense, it looks stupid, and it's a precursor to everything which will ever become nauseating about Tim Burton's movies. There's surreal and then there's total bollocks, and this is firmly in the latter category!

47. 1:20:07 - Another homophobic joke as Otho's horror at magically being forced to wear an unfashionable '70s leisure suit plays on the stereotype about gay dress sense. Way over the heads of most children, but shame on you, Tim Burton!

48. 1:20:38 - What happened to the snakes which Betelgeuse put into Charles Deetz's hand at 1:20:33? Continuity!!!

49. 1:21:13 - Predictably, Delia's weird-ass sculptures just have to come to stop-motion animated life and join in the craziness. We're now in Tim Burton's whacked-out, arty-farty imagination, and it's not a pleasant place to be.

50. 1:21:45 - What the bloody Hell is that thing which comes through the "Dr. Caligari" doorway? An alien-corpse preacher? A deformed dwarf-corpse with macrocephalus? Whatever Tim Burton was drinking or smoking at the time, I don't want any! This whole scene is far too weird for anybody in their right mind to enjoy.

51. 1:24:17 - Barbara riding a sandworm across time and space to save the day! Well, of course! You couldn't make this shit up! Okay, you could if you couldn't come up with a better ending. Don't forget to laugh at the dated effects. No? Please yourself.

52. 1:24:46 - A happy ending for everyone then, except Maxie (Robert Goulet) and Sarah Dean (Maree Cheatham) who must have had their necks broken when they were violently launched through the ceiling at 1:19:24.

53. Another cringeworthy lip-syncing routine at the end.



54. If you add up all of Michael Keaton's time on screen, the title character only has 17 out of 92 minutes! That really sucks!


So there you have it. "Beetlejuice" isn't horror. It's not even a proper horror-comedy. It's not scary, it's not funny. It's embarrassing, dated, and cringeworthy, but it's definitely not funny.

What audience is this really meant for? It's a PG with normally R-rated language, adult situations, sexual innuendoes, animal cruelty, homophobia, a smidgen of (debatable) racism, attempted paedophilia, suicide, images of death and the dead, and so much cigarette smoking that it's almost an advertisement for the tobacco industry!

How the Hell did the MPAA pass "Beetljuice" as a PG when something like "The Conjuring" (2013)—which is clearly a PG-13—gets an R? If this isn't proof that the MPAA is corrupt, it's still food for thought, eh?

Is "Beetlejuice" something that 'ickle kids should watch? Based on the damage that it's done to the minds of the tasteless plebs in the Horror Lamers clique, I don't think so. It's not because of the rating though, it's just because the movie totally sucks.

Pacific Rim (2013)

"As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse."

Do you want to know what irritates me beyond belief? Films like this and the fanboys who overpraise them.

For a start, "Pacific Rim" is a kids' Summer movie meant for little ADHD kids who like lots of robots, whirling things and huge explosions. It's not meant for adults even though there's a growing subculture of "weeaboo", "otaku" (Japanese for "idiots"), games console loving, overweight, comicbook convention nerds who all live in their parents' basements, grow neckbeards, and refer to the big robots as "Mecha" for some reason that I don't fully understand.

"Pacific Rim" is clearly not a movie meant for anyone of my generation (or the one below) except that a few sad acts who think it's hilariously ironic to praise utter shite have bought into it. It's those same hipsters who think that "Sharknado" is "kewl" and spend their entire lives collecting other ironically named movies and little dollies of Japanese cartoon characters. I despise them all.

So guess what I thought of the film after having been duped into watching it by Cosplaying internet friends who need to stop playing dress-up and grow up instead? Yes, that's right, I HATED IT!

Having never been a fan of Billy the Bull (Guillermo del Toro) or Michael Bay's "Transformers" movies, and being a hater of 99% of sci-fi movies anyway, there's nothing in "Pacific Rim" for me other than a lot of boredom.

I tweeted my displeasure throughout the movie, but I'm not going to repost all my Tweets this time. I may have only done that twice before, but the novelty has worn off. However, because it's Saturday, it's hotter than balls again, my neighbours' noisy brats are screaming outside my window, and I can't be bothered to dissect a movie from a genre that I have no interest in, I'm going to give you a list of bullet points of everything wrong with "Pacific Rim" instead of writing a real review.

SPOILERS FOLLOW.

Everything I hated about Pacific Rim.

I have no idea who any of these people are.

• Rated PG-13. Gah!
• Pathetic faux Jap-comicbook crap turned into live action for little kids and weeaboos.
• The rift in time and space which aliens pop through sounds just like "Torchwood" 6 years ago.
• Naming the robots after an alcoholic beverage was a smart move, but even if I was drunk, I still wouldn't enjoy this movie.
• The alien monsters look stupid and are named after turds.
• 75% of the film is all "yak yak yak" with no action.
• Unrealistic, clichéd dialogue.
• It's 4 days too long! Actually, it's only 2 hours, but it feels like more.
• Gormless-looking Owen from "Torchwood" is in it... as a German.
• Psycho Sean Slater from "Eastenders" is in it... and he clearly still has anger issues.
• Basically, Billy the Bull got the cheapest actors possible and spent the majority of the budget on computer game effects.
• Ron Perlman got millions of dollars for showing his big hairy face for all of 5 minutes.
• It's a sausagefest! No eyecandy for heterosexual men.
• Memento Mori (or whatever her name is) isn't bad looking if you like that kind of thing, but I don't.
• No sexy fun time or other nudity.
• The acting is horrible. The accents are all over the place.
• Americans playing Brits, Brits playing Australians, Brits playing Americans, Australians playing Americans... and they have Asian surnames because presumably there weren't any male Asian actors available at the time.
• In the fight between Psycho Sean Slater and the other guy who looks just like him, you can't tell who is who.
• It's "Starship Troopers" but without the humour or exciting action.
• The scientist isn't Doogie Howser but he still mindmelds with an alien.
• No characters worth caring about.
• Psycho Sean Slater kisses a dog. Typecast much?
• No originality whatsoever. The plot is much the same as "Oblivion" but without Tom Cruise or the twist.
• The action is like watching the cutscenes from a computer game which somebody else is playing.
• Big robots that weigh more than several skyscrapers are (and have to be) carried into position by little tiny helicopters which could never support their weight in real life.
• Making tunnels under the city for people to hide in saves a fortune on CGI-ing little people.
• Watching two guys wearing spacesuits play Dance Dance Revolution inside a giant robot while fighting the "Cloverfield" monster is not fun.
• Almost as many buildings get destroyed as in "Man of Steel".
• Too many quick cuts, too much confusion, and it's hard to tell who is doing what to who or why.
• No one cares about who is doing what to who or why anyway.
• The cooler robots get destroyed before they have chance to do anything.
• It's all very, very loud just to keep you awake.
• 100% predictable and instantly forgettable.
• I would rather watch WWF/WWE with two fat dudes in Godzilla suits fighting each other than this crap. Same result too. Dull and fake.
• The Asylum could make a better movie. Oh wait, they already have: "Atlantic Rim".
• "Pacific Rim" is more boring than "World War Zzzzzzz".
• Even "Iron Man 3" is better than this!
• Inevitably, there will be a porn parody and a sequel.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I don't have anything good to say about "Pacific Rim" whatsoever.

Transformers + Torchwood + Cloverfield + Starship Troopers + Oblivion + cheap TV actors (and a couple of former Eastenders) + CGI robots fighting CGI monsters = Pacific Rim.

Don't waste your money!

Evil Dead (2013)

"Five friends head to a remote cabin, where the discovery of a Book of the Dead leads them to unwittingly summon up demons living in the nearby woods. The evil presence possesses them until only one is left to fight for survival."

I have good news for you! In six months time, if you can't find the "Evil Dead" remake/sequel (requel?) in Wal-mart's bargain bin then you'll easily be able to pick up a copy from your local pawn shop. Trust me, there will be thousands of "Evil Dead" DVDs sitting proudly alongside all the "Saw" sequels, Platinum Dunes remakes, "Masters of Horror" episodes, the After Dark Horrorfest collection, and the budget Echo Bridge multipacks.

Even though there are many people in the "Uuuuh" generation who will buy "Evil Dead" on DVD and Blu-ray for the full price, you can be sure that the majority of them will kick it to the kerb just as quickly once they actually see it again. This "Evil Dead" isn't going to go into anyone's top 100 or even their top 1000 list unless they have something severely wrong with them.

"Has anyone seen my dentures?"

Starring another bunch of TV non-actors who you've probably never heard of (Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas and Elizabeth Blackmore), "Evil Dead" has brought horror full circle for the "hobby horror" brigade who claim Sam Raimi's original "The Evil Dead" as the inspiration for their own half-arsed handycam masterpieces. You have to laugh, you really do.

If the "Evil Dead" remake is the pinnacle of everything these so-called "indie" filmmakers would like to achieve, it makes me glad that I was born in a time when we had real horror movies instead of this slew of shit. It also makes me glad that I have less years ahead of me than behind me so that I won't have to suffer many more of them. RIP Roger Ebert, by the way. He was lucky to escape when he did.

Rather than write yet another boring review telling you all about the lack of characterisation, the plot holes, the poorly written and delivered dialogue, terrible acting, hard to see "quick cut" action scenes, the homages, tropes, and all the "excessive gore" which didn't even begin to redress the balance, I'm going to do something completely different this time. I'm going to repost my Twitter timeline from when I watched "Evil Dead" with a huge audience of only two other people in the movie theatre.

A SPOILERIFIC COMMENTARY WILL FOLLOW.
Do not read any further if you want to watch "Evil Dead" on your own.

He clearly loves tofu and drives a Prius.

Here are my Tweets in the correct chronological order. Timings are only approximate since I was trying to watch a shitty movie at the same time.

There's a little bit too much "vocal fry" in the new Evil Dead for my liking. #mushmouths #valleygirls #horrible #evildead

Jessica Lucas = vocal fry to the max
Jane Levy = mumble, mumble, mumble

No dialogue coach was available for Evil Dead obviously. #evildead

I wonder how long it will be until the characters start saying "super" instead of "very". Hating it already. #evildead

13 minutes into Evil Dead... BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED. #evildead

NO! Not dead cats hanging in the basement! I'm done here. :( #evildead

"youshudnttavetouchedanyfingfromdatbassment" - mumble, mumble, mumble #evildead

The Book of the Dead looks like a 5 year old made it... or if I drew the pictures... lol... This is crap. #evildead

20 minutes into Evil Dead... is this 90210? LOL The soap opera drama... #evildead

22 minutes in... "Evil Dead" POV through the trees and a big scary monster.... bored.

22 minutes into the Evil Dead. Why does this bitch makes so much noise? Grunt, gasp, grunt, gasp... SHUT UP! #evildead

23 minutes... and now she's shrieking too... cliché after cliché... :( #evildead

24 minutes into Evil Dead... TREE RAPE... pussified toned-down tree rape. I wanted to see it going in and out! Utter crap. #evildead

At least the black girl has stopped that vocal fry shit. She did enough to have her own chip shop earlier. #evildead

Couldn't they find any pretty actresses to be in this film? #evildead

Dead dog 29 minutes in. Good. I hate dogs. Still boring as shit. #evildead

"Everything's been getting worse every second"... Yup. This film is shit dipped in shit and sprinkled with shit croutons. #evildead

33 minutes in... Gayest shotgun blast ever! #evildead

"You're all going to die tonight." Try that again with some emotion, please. #evildead

Blood vomiting. Lame. #evildead

"I'm scared that what happened to Mia has something to do with the fucking witchcraft in the basement." Aw, scared little beardy puss.

R-rating achieved through swearing! #evildead

36 minutes in... exploding mirror trope... #evildead

37 minutes in... Olivia pisses her pants. She's the only one who will over this film. Sucks. #evildead

Converse product placement. Overpriced plimsoles. #evildead

The pacing is all out. No tension whatsoever. Bit like the original really. #evildead

40 minutes in... frenzied, quick cut stabbing scene, hard to see who is doing what to who. Horror is dead. #evildead

Beardie little pussy just grew some balls and killed Olivia with a broken bit of toilet... now he'll be all PTSD about it. #evildead

42 minutes in... duct tape on stab wounds doesn't actually work. Just so you know. You need superglue. #evildead

"I released something evil, Dave, I released something evil." Yeah, stutteryguts, keep repeating yourself some more. Dialogue. #evildead

If he says, "My mind is going, Dave, I can feel it!", I am walking out. #evildead

Natalie is kinda hot. Nice hair. #evildead

"I can smell your filthy soul." Yeah, right, there's no soul in this film at all. Soulless crap. #evildead

I don't care about any of the characters. At all. #evildead

Quick cut locking and chaining the cellar... oh my God... please end! #evildead

Did this movie only get an R rating for saying "Fuck" a lot? #evildead

Beardie weirdie is now William Shatner... "This book... iswrittenin... some... ancientalphabet..." #evildead

Don't waste your money on this film. I think there's something wrong with people who have been praising it.

48 minutes in... EXPOSITION... yeah, we know the story. This is the second remake and 4th Evil Dead film after all. #evildead

49 minutes. Nice blonde gash. LOL #evildead

Yeah, right. Blame the dead cat in the basement for all the problems with the evil dead. LOL #evildead

Cutting her arm off with an electric carving knife.... hmmm, "I Drink Your Blood" (1970) much? Rip-off! #evildead

LMFAO MOAR DUCT TAPE! #evildead

Yeah, nailguns don't actually fire nails like bullets. EPIC FAIL! 54 minutes in... #evildead

I'm glad that they are pulling the nails out. Those big six inch nails are too expensive to waste. #evildead

Beardie got beaten to death with a tire-iron/crate-opener thingy. Kewl... if you're 12. #evildead

57 minutes... "David, my face hurts..." Yeah, it's killing me too. Die already, you one-armed freak! #evildead

58 minutes... "I'm going to do what I'm going do... I'm going to do what I'm going to do...okay?" Do it! We heard you the 1st time. #evildead

I wonder what David's going to do...? I'm sure he's gonna do what he's gonna do though. Poor excuse for Ash. #evildead

Had to have a Zippo lighter, didn't he? Do you know how expensive those are? You don't throw them away like a Clipper! #evildead

I am watching "Evil Dead" the remake. 59 minutes in... please end... please end... please end this shit. #evildead

Is she singing a Justin Bieber song???? "Baby... baby..." NO!!!!! #evildead

"I can't do this... I can't do this...." Repeating every line twice is getting annoying. Repeating every line twice is... #evildead

60 minutes in... that's an hour... the ARISTEIA... arming scene for you plebs... Toolshed! Chainsaw! Groovy! NOT! #evildead

1:03 Water scene in cellar is watery. BORED. #evildead

Is Beardie dead now? Good. Dirty hippie. #evildead

1:06 Mumbling even worse with a plastic bag on her head. Mumble, mumble, mumble... bitch. #evildead

"Your mama sucks... " Wait! Haven't I heard all this before in "The Exorcist"? #evildead

"Stop it... I'm begging you." Who says that? Really? Really? And with no emotion or any act of begging to accompany it. LOL #evildead SUCKS

Adrenalin to the heart and de-fibrillation doesn't work on corpses, you know. FAIL #evildead

"You're at peace... you're at peace now." And you couldn't even say that in just one try? #evildead

Buried her... dug her up... buried her again... MAKE UP YOUR MIND! #evildead

1:11 Dirty hippie came back! Predictable. #evildead

"Go!" "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to go anywhere." GAH! Double-line padding AGAIN! #evildead

1:13 Did they really just turn Mia into a final girl? Are you fucking kidding me? #evildead

Bound to be a twist now she's found Linda's magnifying glass pendant thingy wotsit. #evildead

1:14 End of Carrie-style jump scare. Fell flat. #evildead

It's raining blood... Hallelujah... It's raining blood... #evildead

Hellraiser music? #evildead

1:15 Blair Witch shot from poster art. And they really have made her the final girl. :( #evildead

Yeah, right, girls know how to use chainsaws. LOL LOL LOL Would be more believable with a spoon. #evildead

1:16 Paul Daniels used to do the sabres in a box magic trick too. LOL #evildead

LOL Superhuman evil dead HULKS out, throws car! LOL #evildead

1:18 Okay, so cutting her own hand off was nice. She could've just waited for the Evil Dead demon to get closer though. Stupid. #evildead

"I'll... feast... on.. your... soul..." "Feast on this, motherfucker!" Samuel L. Jackson strikes again. #evildead

1:19 Chainsaw thing quite gory... BUT I've seen worse (or better as the case may be). OTT like Tarantino. :( #evildead

1:20 Please end... please end... please end... please end... please end... please end... please end... please end... please end... #evildead

1:22 THANK YOU, JESUS! it's over! Time for a piss. I couldn't care less about anything after the credits. Seen it all before. #evildead

Kilroy was here.

Yeah, I think my Tweets sum up everything I need to say about "Evil Dead". Unlike the actors in this movie, I'm not going to repeat myself. I'll never watch it again either.

"The Most Terrifying Film You Will Ever Experience", my arse! More like 17 million dollars spent on marketing minus $100,000 spent on an instantly forgettable movie without a single scare. I've seen out-of-date food rotting in my fridge that's more horrific.

The "Evil Dead" remake is the last ironically named six inch nail in the coffin of the horror genre.

Horror is dead. RIP horror.

The ABCs of Death (2012)

"A 26-chapter anthology that showcases death in all its vicious wonder and brutal beauty."

"The ABCs of Death" is responsible for another 2 hours of my life which I'll never get back, but on the bright side, at least I didn't have to wait to see this megaturd at one of the 30 or so selected cinemas which will be showing it next week. "The ABCs of Death" has been available as a VOD for some time now although I don't recommend that you pay for it if you can help it. It's even more of an insult to any normal human being's intelligence than "V/H/S". I wouldn't even let animals watch this crap.

Because I couldn't care less if I spoil this for you, here's the list of the 26 short "movies" (hahaha, what a joke to even call them that!) or segments and what I thought about them. My ratings are in parentheses.

"A is for Apocalypse" - very short but to the point with decent gore. (4/10)

"B is for Bigfoot" - predictable, but the pretty Mexican actress has lovely boobs. (3/10)

"C is for Cycle" - I didn't get it. Like most of the movies in this anthology, it makes no sense. (0/10)

"D is for Dogfight" - nice choreography but stupid, and I didn't understand the ending. (2/10)

"E is for Exterminate" - Angela Bettis' entry is too quick and predictable. (2/10)

"F is for Fart" - the Japanese girls are kinda hot, but the story is too bizarre. (2/10)

"G is for Gravity" - What? Did a shark get him or something? Who cares? (0/10)

"H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion" - just weird. I didn't like it or understand what was going on. (0/10)

"I is for Ingrown" - What was ingrown? I expected toenails and got nothing. (0/10)

"J is for Jidai-geki" - a couple of stupid masks, and that's it. (0/10)

"K is for Klutz" - a badly drawn cartoon. Entertaining in a childish way but pointless. (1/10)

"L is for Libido" - one of the better ones. Reminiscent of "A Serbian Film" but with more punches pulled. (4/10)

"M is for Miscarriage" - Ti West gave less than a minute to this. Who cares though? All his movies suck anyway. (0/10)

"N is for Nuptials" - the bird is funny. Reusing an old Jethro joke isn't. (2/10)

"O is for Orgasm" - I have no idea what this is about other than a mess of camera tricks and a woman with bad skin. Feel free to enlighten me by writing your answer on the back of a stamp. (0/10)

"P is for Pressure" - very nasty ending and based on something which really happened online. I don't even want to talk about it, but it's another reason to boycott anything else from Simon Rumney. (0/10)

"Q is for Quack" - nice boobs at start, cute duck at end, but "meta" all the way. (0/10)

"R is for Removed" - utter crap. So surreal that I have no idea what it's supposed to be about. (0/10)

"S is for Speed" - also didn't make any sense to me. Heroin isn't the same thing as speed, is it? (0/10)

"T is for Toilet" - crappy claymation with a twist ending. Not acceptable. (0/10)

"U is for Unearthed" - a handycam vampire exhumation. Some originality, much borrowing. (1/10)

"V is for Vagitus" - lots of sci-fi action and gore, but no point. (1/10)

"W is for WTF?" - exactly, just a mess and even more "meta" than "Q". (0/10)

"X is for XXL" - beautifully gory and very good storytelling. If you find this segment online on its own, save yourself some time by only watching this one. (8/10)

"Y is for Youngbuck" - another story which makes no sense. (0/10)

"Z is for Zetsumetsu" - which is apparently some kind of weird Japanese porn with lots of fake sexual organs and sushi. (0/10)

It comes to something when a dog is the best actor in the film.

I've seen many terrible movies in my time, but "The ABCs of Death" really deserves some kind of award for being such a self-indulgent waste of the 26 lots of $5000 which each filmmaker was supposed to spend on his or her segment. Apparently, it costs $5000 for Ti West to throw some uncooked meat wrapped up in toilet paper down the bog and film a girl in glasses with a plunger in her hand looking at it. Well done, Ti, for proving yourself a total douchebag.

As for the animal cruelty (either shown or implied) which has been dumped in this just to be controversial, I'm against most forms of censorship, but if I had the power to do anything about it, I would pull "The ABCs of Death" in a second, have all copies of it destroyed, and have the filmmakers prosecuted individually. Kids who are looking for cheap thrills will always find them because of rumours, but sicker kids will seek out a "movie" like this and use it as inspiration.

All copies of "The ABCs of Death" ought to be destroyed anyway in case today's braindead generation start thinking that burning a load of glorified YouTube videos onto a DVD is the equivalent of making a real movie. With this lack of talent for them to emulate, no wonder horror is dead. In another 20 years, there probably won't be any movies except for 5 minute long ones on video hosting sites.

Furthermore, I have no idea why Amazon lists this as starring Ingrid Bolsø Berdal. She's not in it anywhere.

According to the IMDb, "The ABCs of Death" will be in movie theatres from February 28th. I advise you to watch something else.

24 reasons why Trick 'r Treat sucks!

Inspired by a discussion I had on Vampire Freaks, I rewatched one of my least favourite horror movies of all time and compiled a list (with timings) of all the reasons why "Trick 'r Treat" (2007) sucks.

Wizarduniverse.com doesn't even exist! Ignore the endorsement!

1. 4:43 - Emma's death. Everything happens under the sheet. You don't see anything but the blood stains. Aftermath shown at 6:20. Nothing special. Stupid "Creepshow" ripoff.

2. 15:00 - Fat kid puking. Meh. Too over-the-top and fake.

3. 21:52 - Killing the fat kid. You don't see anything. Again, it's all under a blanket.

4. 22:56 - Lame jump scare performed by a little kid.

5. 24:57 - Fat kid's severed head on potter's wheel. Nothing special. Very quickly shown aftermath again.

6. 28:10 - Sexy "vampire" bit, but nothing to see except the bloody aftermath. This is an R-rated movie? Puh-lease!

7. 30-38 mins - It's just "The Goonies" meets "Are You Afraid of the Dark"! Bah! All kids. It's a little kids' movie! There are no characters to care about either.

8. 43:45 - Very brief fake intestines shot. Blink and you'll miss it. It's all a giant prank anyway. Lame.

9. 47:47 - Dead zombie-ghost kids aren't scary. Looks like a zombie walk.

10. 50:28 - Nice dress on the girl on the left with the cleavage, but no nudity from her! What a nasty tease.

11. 53:48 - Blink and you'll miss it, Wilkins' protruding broken bone. That's as gory as it gets.

12. 55:01 - Briefest flash of boobs possible during the sexy werewolf dancing. I will admit that the werewolf transformation is fairly original except that it looks even faker than the similar scene in "A Company of Wolves".

13. 56:19 - You don't see the werewolves tear Wilkins apart. It cuts to the kid with a tater sack on his head watching. Most unsatisfying.

14. 1:06:12 - Very quick knife cut to Kreeg's Achilles tendon. Not bad but the cut is too high up, and you don't really see it happen.

15. 1:07:33 - Broken glass on palms. Meh! Corn syrup and bits of glass.

16. 1:08:05 - Tater sack kid on ceiling. Stupid and a ripoff of the equally silly scene in "The Exorcist III".

17. 1:09:30 - Shooting the tater sack kid in the head at point blank range with a shotgun doesn't have the splatter you would expect. His pumpkin head should be all over the walls!

18. 1:11:00 - Tater sack kid's dismembered but still living and crawling hand. "Evil Dead II", anyone? Gah!

19. 1:11:15 - The only "adult" line and one which sums up the whole movie!

20. 1:13:08 - No stab to be seen. Aftermath reveals twist. There was no stab except for a lolly going into a candy bar!

21. 1:15:10 - Stupid "A Christmas Carol" ending. Kreege is Scroooooooge! Humbug! All the stories suck in this anyway.

22. Plus every time one of the characters even mildly swears there's a comment about it. The werewolf girls are told off because there are kids present. The fat kid's murderer tells his son off for swearing, and the retarded girl tells the pretty blonde girl off for saying "Damn". The strongest words seem to be "ass", "asshole" or "screw" and each one is only used a couple of times. Pathetic and unrealistic dialogue.

23. Basically, it's so kiddified and not scary that "Trick 'r Treat" barely counts as a horror movie at all. At the same time, the 5 seconds of nudity and gore mean that little kids aren't legally allowed to watch it. It fails for either audience. It's almost a comedy except that it isn't funny either. No wonder it went straight to DVD and didn't get a theatrical release.

24. Anyone who likes this movie is either a small child or a moron.