Monsters Wanted (2013)

"In early 2011, Rich Teachout quit his lucrative job to focus on creating a one-of-a-kind haunted attraction. He and his partner Janel dedicated every moment, ounce of energy, and dollar to making their 'Scream Park' a reality. 'Monsters Wanted' is the story of their self-proclaimed madness and the industry, culture, and people who share it."

Moving on as quickly as I can from the fictional haunted attraction of "Hallows' Eve", I highly recommend "Monsters Wanted"—a documentary about the Asylum Haunted Scream Park in Louisville, Kentucky—in case you've now got a desire to see the real thing without leaving the comfort of your chair. Nearly everything you've ever wanted to know about the trials and tribulations of setting up a "Scream Park" or "Haunted House" attraction can be found here.

Auditions for actors provide the documentary with its name, but there's obviously more shown in "Monsters Wanted" than hiring a few kids to play dress-up and scream, "Boo!" at the top of their lungs. This is about a group of Hallowe'en obsessives planning, constructing, and running a short-term entertainment business, although enough time is devoted to the actors to see how they're as mad as hatters too.

One masochistic guy who hammers nails into his nostrils and lets people staple playing cards to his face almost deserves a show of his own, while another complete nutter called "Chainsaw Pete" would fit in well with the highly amusing but mentally subnormal reality TV characters that Brits already know and love from Channel Four's documentaries. "Chainsaw Pete" comes across as a dangerously infantilized person who doesn't care if he injures himself or other people with his rambunctious performance, and sure enough, he does indeed manage to injure one of his co-workers before the end of the show.

Aside from that, the real fun happens when communications break down and the financial problems take their toll. Stress often brings out the worst in some people! Thus, the little bit of contrived drama which comes from a surprise visit by a building inspector, who could close the attraction down for not having the right permits, is easily eclipsed by the violent arguments between the event organisers. Due to what must have been embarassment after the fact, the most volatile organiser refused to allow his image to be used in this documentary and is pixellated/voice-changed (but not censored in other ways) as a result. His tantrum is hilarious!

While the focus is mainly on the stresses and strains that Rich and his girlfriend Janel go through as they try to turn their expensive hobby into a money-making business, there are shopping trips galore for things which you probably didn't know existed even in America. A trip to a "Hallowe'en Props" convention where the sky's the limit when it comes to how much you could spend on animatronics and other effects is one of the best parts, since due to the darkness, you don't really see much of the finished "Asylum Haunted Scream Park" in action.

Apart from the night scenes, the camerawork is adequate for a documentary, and there are some clever "Fringe"-style 3D captions which count down the days remaining. Some of these computer-generated captions look like they are embedded in buildings or the ground instead of floating in mid-air, which is an indication of the attention to detail that went into the editing.

Some people have noted that a five minute section devoted to other Hallowe'en attractions in the area feels out of place, but I didn't have a problem with it. My only gripe is that it would have been nicer if "Monsters Wanted" had finished with a walkthrough of the whole attraction using a handheld camera to give a first-person perspective, but perhaps it was technically too difficult or there were rights issues which prevented that from happening. Maybe, just maybe, the organisers would prefer it if you experienced their attraction in person.

If you want to visit the "Asylum Haunted Scream Park", check out their website at http://www.asylumhaunts.com for details.

Riddick (2013)

"Left for dead on a sun-scorched planet, Riddick finds himself up against an alien race of predators. Activating an emergency beacon alerts two ships: one carrying a new breed of mercenary, the other captained by a man from Riddick's past."

There's not much I need to tell you about "Riddick". As you can see from the trailer, it's virtually a remake of "Pitch Black" (2000) but with better-looking CGI creatures and some surprisingly effective gore.

To some people, "Riddick" might be nothing more than a sci-fi/action adventure with yet another laconic anti-hero and a second-half which borrows formulas from hundreds of "cabin in the woods" slashers, but at least it's R-rated and much better than "The Chronicles of Riddick" (2004). "The Chronicles of Riddick" was a PG-13 step in the wrong direction, and to this day, I still haven't made it through that movie without falling asleep.

Thus, "Riddick" is a welcome return to somewhat exciting sci-fi which you don't have to strain your brain to enjoy. It's a "popcorn flick" with no illusions about being anything more, and I appreciate the honesty of it. There are no moral messages, or any subtext to worry about, just a straightforward journey from A to B which hopefully will have a sequel.

As you might expect in a Vin Diesel movie, the supporting characters are all full of testosterone and the usual questionable butchness which isn't a patch on Vin Diesel's own. Hell, in "Riddick", it seems that the epitome of badassery can even turn a lesbian straight! I have no further comment to make on that except it's rather amusing.

I'm also not going to give any plot points away—the trailer already does a fine job in that respect—or post a load of screencaps for other bloggers to steal. An old school sci-fi/action movie like "Riddick" simply deserves an old school recommendation rather than a deconstruction.

Even if you're not a big fan of sci-fi, "Riddick" is about spectacle which you need to go and see for yourself on the big screen as soon as possible. You will not be disappointed.

33 horror movies from 2012 which I will never watch

Speaking as someone who tries to watch every horror movie from every subgenre as they become available, there comes a point when the amount left to see is so overwhelming that harsh decisions have to be made about whether they will ever be watched or not.

Sometimes it's the subject matter, sometimes it's the uninspiring artwork and blurb on the DVD—occasionally, it's merely the name of the movie—but every case is assessed individually before I invest my time and money. Due to many years of experience, I can often tell if a movie is going to be a crappy one without even putting the DVD in the player. Mistakes still happen, and some of the slew of shit manages to slip through, but at least they're confined to rentals because I never blind buy.

You can me "narrow minded" if you like, but you'd be wrong. I'm cynical, and I usually do a lot of research before parting with my money. I don't succumb to marketing or peer pressure, so all my movie watching choices are entirely my own. The following, however, are the titles which didn't interest me enough to give them a chance.

Please note that I'm going "old school" with this post. There are no trailers, no pretty pictures, and no Amazon links. I'm just going to write a couple of sentences about each movie to give you a brief insight into how I choose what is worth watching and what isn't. I haven't actually watched even a second of any of these movies, and I never will.


1. 23 Minutes to Sunrise (2012)
Despite having Eric Roberts in it, what looks like a low-budget crime drama set in a diner doesn't appeal to me. The title suggests a vampire movie, but it isn't. It's also a lot more than 23 minutes long.

2. 1920: Evil Returns (2012)
Tempting though it is to watch an Indian version of "The Exorcist", I've done that before with another Hindi movie which I can't remember the name of. It wasn't good. There's novelty value here and a very beautiful actress, but I'll pass.

3. American Horror House (2012)
The SyFy channel's attempt to cash-in on the name of "American Horror Story" suggests that it's about ghosts, but it looks like a TV-rated slasher centred around a University sorority. I suspect it to be yet another load of annoying teenage girls running around and screaming. No, thank you.

4. Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)
I have no interest in Bigfoot or fake found footage, so this is an easy one to skip. I can imagine that it's all shakycams, some guy in a hairy costume, and everybody will die at the end.

5. Black Forest (2012)
Tinsel Korey, the scarred werewolf-girl from the "Twilight" movies is in this, but so is Ben Cross, and it's another SyFy movie. The blurb says that it's a fantasy set in the Black Forest, Germany, and has something to do with fairytales. If it was about gâteau, I'd be more inclined to watch it.

6. The Caretaker (2012)
A low-budget Australian "cabin in the woods" movie with vampires. That's all the information I need. Vampire kangaroos would be a much better idea.

7. Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)
It's a comedy, so it doesn't matter how many well-known British actors have cameos in it. Also zombies. Ugh! If I was still living in England, and it was shown on a satellite TV channel, I'd probably give it a few minutes just to ogle Michelle Ryan.

8. Community (2012)
Reading between the lines, this may be a British shakycam version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" set on a council housing estate. It has Jemma Dallender (the pretty star of the upcoming "I Spit on Your Grave 2") in it, but sadly, it's full of angry chavs as well.

9. Creep Van (2012)
Apparently, this is a low-budget slasher rather than the story of a possessed van. Either way, it sounds boring, and it's bound to look like a YouTube video.

10. Crowsnest (2012)
Canadian found footage about nomadic cannibals in an R.V. attacking a bunch of teenagers. Since it's Canadian, I imagine that the acting will be okay, but the plot will rip-off half a dozen more famous American cannibal movies and slashers.

11. The Dead Want Women (2012)
A Full Moon movie full of pretty girls and Eric Roberts. What could go wrong? I'll wait for it to appear on an Echo Bridge multipack, and then fast forward through it for the nudie bits. Not really.

12. Demon Hunter (2012)
There are so many movies like this in existence that I've probably already seen this under another name. Just different girls to see topless, more no-budget effects, and non-existent "acting" to spoil my day.

13. Donner Pass (2012)
This is bound to end up on Netflix. By not having the service anymore, I can ignore another bunch of pretty "teenagers" getting killed and eaten by cannibals. Strange title though. It makes me think of kebabs.

14. Fetish Dolls Die Laughing (2012)
With a title like that, it reeks of being a no-budget horror-comedy.

15. Freakshow Apocalypse: The Unholy Sideshow (2012)
It's one of those no-budget nasties which is directed by, written by, and stars the same person. I'll bet that it's about a bunch of weird-looking friends with more tattoos than teeth as they try to copy scenes from Rob Zombie videos. If I'm wrong, I don't care.

16. Ghoul (2012)
A made-for-TV clone of "The Goonies" and "The Monster Squad" maybe? Nope. I can't stand horror movies with little kids doing a load of investigating and their uncaring parents who don't believe them.

17. Girls Against Boys (2012)
A rape-revenge drama which might be good, but I've seen far too many rape-revenge dramas over the years. I'd be very surprised if it offers anything better than "I Spit on Your Grave" as it's probably a formulaic clone of the same thing.

18. Grave Encounters 2 (2012)
I didn't watch more than 5 minutes of the first one, so I'm not going to watch an obviously inferior sequel. I hate all those bullshit "Ghost Hunters" TV shows which this is supposed to look like anyway.

19. Haunted High (2012)
Another SyFy movie which I've had no interest in since learning that one of the morbidly obese movie reviewers from YouTube has a part in it. That, and the childish story itself, puts me right off wanting to see a couple of minutes of Charisma Carpenter.

20. Lizzie (2012)
Having seen the TV movie version, "The Legend of Lizzie Borden" (1975), I can't see any way that this could offer anything new.

21. Lost Woods (2012)
Because the title suggests a movie about erectile dysfunction on a porn set, I was intrigued for a few seconds. Finding out that it's about an alien creature, i.e. a guy wearing a bear costume and a "Predator" mask, who chases campers through a forest destroyed those hopes. It's clearly no-budget crap of the highest order.

22. Love Bite (2012)
Supposed to be a romantic-comedy version "The Inbetweeners" with a werewolf. Apart from Jessica Szohr, there doesn't appear to be any good reason to watch this low-budget "An American Werewolf in Paris" clone.

23. Monsters in the Woods (2012)
Yet another one of those "film crew shooting a movie" ones with boobs and blood but no-budget. Normally a good choice for a "Woeful Wednesday" post, but I have my limits.

24. The Mooring (2012)
"Every 40 seconds a person goes missing." And he's getting really sick of it now! It's a handycam "Friday the 13th" clone set in Idaho, so it's girls being chased through the woods by a psycho. Probably has potatoes in it too.

25. Night Claws (2012)
I wanted it to be a movie about cats, but it's another one about Bigfoot. It's distributed by Midnight Releasing, so it's got to be worse than something by The Asylum.

26. No Tell Motel (2012)
I have a horrible feeling that I've already seen this one... about 50 times over and made by other people! It's about a haunted motel, but it's not going to be as even half as good as "The Innkeepers". I was very disappointed by "The Innkeepers", by the way.

27. Parasitic (2012)
A Florida nightclub gets invaded by an alien parasite. Alrighty then, it's low-budget sci-fi/horror. Do not want!

28. Poe (2012)
Either a film about Edgar Allan Poe or something about toilets, right? No such luck. The blurb says it's about a serial-killing cannibal. In other words, this is no-budget Hannibal Lecter.

29. Rise of the Zombies (2012)
The SyFy channel does more zombies. Ethan Suplee (Randy from "My Name is Earl") is in this. I like him, but not more zombies! No more zombies ever!

30. Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood 3D (2012)
Just look at the title! You can probably tell me all the reasons why I wouldn't want to watch this! It's got Tom Savini and Kane Hodder in it too, and we all know what fantastic actors they are.

31. The Sleeper (2012)
Supposedly a "throwback to the '80s"-style slasher where another sorority house is killed off. Why would anyone feel the need to make something like this in a market already saturated by no-budget slashers?

32. Snow White: A Deadly Summer (2012)
The girl on the coverart looks beautiful, but I don't think another movie with Eric Roberts in it is going to be all that great. Added to that, it's a modern interpretation of the famous fairytale, and those really don't work well.

33. Vampireland (AKA The 6th Extinction) (2012)
A no-budget version of "Stake Land". In every conceivable way, NO!


Since half the fun of being a horror movie reviewer is finding things which other people may not have heard of, if you've actually seen any of these movies, feel free to let me know if I did the right thing by not watching them.

Frankenstein's Army (2013)

"Toward the end of World War II, Russian soldiers pushing into eastern Germany stumble across a secret Nazi lab, one that has unearthed and begun experimenting with the journal of one Dr. Victor Frankenstein."

As a rule, I loathe faux "found footage" movies, but sometimes there can be an exception. I may moan about the subgenre being oversaturated with crap, but I'll still watch yet another one of these "Blair Witch Project" clones if there's nothing else available. In this case, it's a Dutch horror movie filmed in the Czech Republic with heavily-accented English dialogue. Call me naive, but that sounds intriguing enough on its own. The fact that it's called "Frankenstein's Army" and contains lots of "Soviets versus Nazis" wartime action is just icing on the cake.

Having watched it three times in a row, I'm pleased to report that "Frankenstein's Army" does not disappoint. That's the first time I've ever written that overused, archaic and cringeworthy phrase in one of my reviews, so now you know this movie is even more special.

"Frankenstein's Army" really kind of rocks somewhat, but I'm not going to get too carried away with the overpraise because I still hate the handheld shakycam gimmick. I'm not sure why director Richard Raaphorst took that route for his debut feature, but maybe he wasn't confident enough in his cameraman's ability to use a tripod. The good news is that it isn't even remotely as nauseating to watch as any other found footage movie—well, not in the motion-sickness way—but the bad news is that it doesn't look like real found footage due to the subject matter. The Russians would be speaking Russian rather than English for one thing! It would still look fake if there were subtitles everywhere though because the attention to detail in other areas doesn't try to disguise that it's a modern film. Subtitles would simply alienate the dumber horror fans who don't like to read, so I can accept why it was done this way.

It's probably wise that the "found footage" wasn't made to look too real anyway because I'd hate for any the far-fetched cyborgs to exist in real life. The extreme horrors shown are more than enough for most people without adding another level of cruelty. The monsters are such artfully created nightmares of dead flesh and machinery that I think whoever came up with their designs must have something very wrong with them in all the sick and twisted ways I like, but anyone squeamish who watches this will not be happy. This is certainly not a "date night" movie unless you want to end up sleeping alone. "Frankenstein's Army" is a gorehound's delight, full of truly horrific and gruesome stuff, which makes a refreshing change from the wimpy PG-13s and R-rated punch-pullers lately.

"A man of vision is always misunderstood."

The biggest problem with finding a horror movie which I actually like is writing about why I like it without spoiling it for everybody else. I've also been so negative for so long that having a decent movie in my clutches is a surprise which almost renders me speechless. I want to pull out all the bog-standard descriptive words and phrases such as "awesome", "amazing, "fantastic", "I was blown away", and "the best horror movie that I've seen this year" except that none of them would be applicable in this particular case. "Frankenstein's Army" is very entertaining, practical effects-laden film, and on a purely subjective level, I loved it for its blood and guts, but as usual, there are flaws.

I've already mentioned how the found footage camerawork isn't something which I'm keen on, and the contrivances about who is carrying the camera and why are blatant in every scene. Occasional "Stop filming!" or "Film this!" orders draw more attention to the fakery than is necessary. Once the action kicks in, "Frankenstein's Army" sometimes feels more like playing a "first person shooter" computer game with no ammunition left rather than watching a movie, but that's my only other gripe. Although there's an obligatory "I'm so sorry, Mum and Dad!" homage to "The Blair Witch Project", I can also let that pass because it's quite important to the speaker's motivation.

Apart from the accents and linguistic skills, there's not much to the acting although everyone gets a chance to do something impressive. In particular, Joshua Sasse (a British actor) is very charismatic as the Polish Sergei, and Alexander Mercury is perfectly cast as Dimitri. Andrei Zayats, who seems destined to be typecast as a Russian soldier for the rest of his career, is very realistic as Vassili. Despite having yet more stereotypical character names (Sacha, Ivan, Alexei, etc.), the other cast members are equally strong only in much smaller roles.

The most famous face is Karel Roden as Viktor Frankenstein. Horror fans will probably only remember him as Dr. Varava from "Orphan" (2009), which is a bit of shame since he's been in exactly 100 roles to date. At first, I thought he was Srdjan Todorovic, the star of "A Serbian Film" (2010), because there's definitely a similarity. If there's a weak link in the chain, it's that his performance isn't manic or obsessive enough to appease hardcore "Frankenstein" fans, but this movie is a long way from Mary Shelley's novel in any case.

"Frankenstein's Army" is a nicely paced fusion of classic horror and wartime fantasy which I highly recommend. It's not available on DVD until September 10th, and its very limited theatrical release may not be in your area, but you can watch it now on Amazon's Instant Video service. I suggest that you do so immediately.

Pacific Rim (2013)

"As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse."

Do you want to know what irritates me beyond belief? Films like this and the fanboys who overpraise them.

For a start, "Pacific Rim" is a kids' Summer movie meant for little ADHD kids who like lots of robots, whirling things and huge explosions. It's not meant for adults even though there's a growing subculture of "weeaboo", "otaku" (Japanese for "idiots"), games console loving, overweight, comicbook convention nerds who all live in their parents' basements, grow neckbeards, and refer to the big robots as "Mecha" for some reason that I don't fully understand.

"Pacific Rim" is clearly not a movie meant for anyone of my generation (or the one below) except that a few sad acts who think it's hilariously ironic to praise utter shite have bought into it. It's those same hipsters who think that "Sharknado" is "kewl" and spend their entire lives collecting other ironically named movies and little dollies of Japanese cartoon characters. I despise them all.

So guess what I thought of the film after having been duped into watching it by Cosplaying internet friends who need to stop playing dress-up and grow up instead? Yes, that's right, I HATED IT!

Having never been a fan of Billy the Bull (Guillermo del Toro) or Michael Bay's "Transformers" movies, and being a hater of 99% of sci-fi movies anyway, there's nothing in "Pacific Rim" for me other than a lot of boredom.

I tweeted my displeasure throughout the movie, but I'm not going to repost all my Tweets this time. I may have only done that twice before, but the novelty has worn off. However, because it's Saturday, it's hotter than balls again, my neighbours' noisy brats are screaming outside my window, and I can't be bothered to dissect a movie from a genre that I have no interest in, I'm going to give you a list of bullet points of everything wrong with "Pacific Rim" instead of writing a real review.

SPOILERS FOLLOW.

Everything I hated about Pacific Rim.

I have no idea who any of these people are.

• Rated PG-13. Gah!
• Pathetic faux Jap-comicbook crap turned into live action for little kids and weeaboos.
• The rift in time and space which aliens pop through sounds just like "Torchwood" 6 years ago.
• Naming the robots after an alcoholic beverage was a smart move, but even if I was drunk, I still wouldn't enjoy this movie.
• The alien monsters look stupid and are named after turds.
• 75% of the film is all "yak yak yak" with no action.
• Unrealistic, clichéd dialogue.
• It's 4 days too long! Actually, it's only 2 hours, but it feels like more.
• Gormless-looking Owen from "Torchwood" is in it... as a German.
• Psycho Sean Slater from "Eastenders" is in it... and he clearly still has anger issues.
• Basically, Billy the Bull got the cheapest actors possible and spent the majority of the budget on computer game effects.
• Ron Perlman got millions of dollars for showing his big hairy face for all of 5 minutes.
• It's a sausagefest! No eyecandy for heterosexual men.
• Memento Mori (or whatever her name is) isn't bad looking if you like that kind of thing, but I don't.
• No sexy fun time or other nudity.
• The acting is horrible. The accents are all over the place.
• Americans playing Brits, Brits playing Australians, Brits playing Americans, Australians playing Americans... and they have Asian surnames because presumably there weren't any male Asian actors available at the time.
• In the fight between Psycho Sean Slater and the other guy who looks just like him, you can't tell who is who.
• It's "Starship Troopers" but without the humour or exciting action.
• The scientist isn't Doogie Howser but he still mindmelds with an alien.
• No characters worth caring about.
• Psycho Sean Slater kisses a dog. Typecast much?
• No originality whatsoever. The plot is much the same as "Oblivion" but without Tom Cruise or the twist.
• The action is like watching the cutscenes from a computer game which somebody else is playing.
• Big robots that weigh more than several skyscrapers are (and have to be) carried into position by little tiny helicopters which could never support their weight in real life.
• Making tunnels under the city for people to hide in saves a fortune on CGI-ing little people.
• Watching two guys wearing spacesuits play Dance Dance Revolution inside a giant robot while fighting the "Cloverfield" monster is not fun.
• Almost as many buildings get destroyed as in "Man of Steel".
• Too many quick cuts, too much confusion, and it's hard to tell who is doing what to who or why.
• No one cares about who is doing what to who or why anyway.
• The cooler robots get destroyed before they have chance to do anything.
• It's all very, very loud just to keep you awake.
• 100% predictable and instantly forgettable.
• I would rather watch WWF/WWE with two fat dudes in Godzilla suits fighting each other than this crap. Same result too. Dull and fake.
• The Asylum could make a better movie. Oh wait, they already have: "Atlantic Rim".
• "Pacific Rim" is more boring than "World War Zzzzzzz".
• Even "Iron Man 3" is better than this!
• Inevitably, there will be a porn parody and a sequel.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I don't have anything good to say about "Pacific Rim" whatsoever.

Transformers + Torchwood + Cloverfield + Starship Troopers + Oblivion + cheap TV actors (and a couple of former Eastenders) + CGI robots fighting CGI monsters = Pacific Rim.

Don't waste your money!

Devil's Pass (2013)

"Five young filmmakers retrace the steps of a doomed group of hikers in pursuit of an unsolvable mystery."

Also known as "The Dyatlov Pass Incident" (or "Devil's Ass" in my house), Renny Harlin's latest movie dredges up the faux found footage subgenre yet again and sucks almost as much as all of his other movies (apart from "Die Hard 2" and "Cliffhanger") combined.

Using a famous Russian mystery, "Devil's Pass" is just another "Blair Witch Project" clone which has been bookended with the "based on a true story" gimmick. The real story is far more interesting to read about than watching any part of this movie, and I say that as somebody who doesn't like to read anything if I can possibly help it. At least it gets a decent mention here, but don't expect any answers in this film or from anywhere else.

It's no secret that I hate "found footage" movies anyway so, of course, I'm biased. But even if "Devil's Pass" was universally acclaimed as "the best found footage movie ever made", I'd still be able to point out the errors of its ways. Basically, if a movie looks cheap, doesn't make a whole lot of sense, its characters are irritating, and it's boring to watch, what use is to to anybody? There's no entertainment value in something like this for me.

Fortunately, "Devil's Pass" hasn't been universally acclaimed as anything other than a load of sci-fi crap with lots of shakycams, loud, gung-ho Yanks getting their comeuppance in the Urals, and horrible CGI monsters at the end, so I can loathe it as much as I want. I even watched it twice just to hate it more!

Do not want!

Could characters be more stereotypically WASPish and alienating than the ones in "Devil's Pass"? Call me grumpy, but I think not. I've had it up to here (imagine me reaching above my head) with these overprivileged, studenty idiots in movies, and I really don't want to see any more of them. What part of "If you're a coddled American, please stay home because you'll cry like a baby and die horribly if you go abroad!", don't they ever understand?

The most interesting part for me was the mention of "The Philadelphia Experiment". I don't know what the true story is there (because I don't read), but I love that movie and the sequel. Once all the time-travel and "mutations from radiation" nonsense kicks off, it's time to call it a day with "Devil's Pass" though because you know no good can come of it. Let's face it, no scares or tension are possible with the ending of any found footage movie being a foregone conclusion, so what's to like?

"Devil's Pass" hasn't even been released theatrically in English speaking countries yet, but it's already been leaked to the internet by Russians, so make of that what you will. Personally, I think that they disliked the usual Hollywood Russophobia and the disrespectful way the movie dealt with one of their most financially lucrative mysteries.

My advice? Pass this one by.

Cutting Edge Cinema: Extreme Monsters

This is one of several multipacks from R Squared Films which came out during the Summer last year to compete directly with Echo Bridge Home Entertainment's "Midnight Horror Collection". Having artwork designed to fool the less observant buyer into thinking that these are more Echo Bridge Home Entertainment products is only slightly less reprehensible than the quality of the movies themselves.

Make no mistake, most of these "movies" (and I use that term very loosely) are the kind of no-budget, "hobby horror" dreck which give independent horror an even worse reputation than its deluded and easily butthurt fans have already made for it. According to various message boards and blogs, there's one movie in every pack that's tolerable, but the rest are almost unwatchable unless you enjoy the lowest common denominators on YouTube. Some lucky people even have defective DVDs that won't play all the movies listed anyway.

Other titles in the range include "Extreme Horror", "Extreme Vampires", "Extreme Zombies" and an "Extreme Canadian Horror: 5 Movie Collection" (presumably because nobody could find 3 more Canadian horror movies to make another 8 pack). I can't say that I have any interest in the others especially as the titles of each collection aren't entirely appropriate for the subject matter contained within.

"Extreme Monsters" is the first of these collections that I've bought. All the movies play perfectly, but it's likely to be the last of these packs for me based on what's in it.


Little Red Devil (2008)

"Jimmy Lidell is a 'nobody', stealing to earn a living in a dead-end life searching for his long lost girlfriend... until he meets Luc Tyer... a bigger-than-life underworld heavy that makes him an 'offer he can't refuse'. Jimmy accepts, but is leery about the secret motives behind Luc's willingness to teach the business. Jimmy's mother suspects that Jimmy may be running with the wrong crowd, but Jimmy turns a deaf ear to her religious warnings."

Tommy Brunswick's version of "Angel Heart" (1987) isn't too bad apart from the special effects and demon which looks like it escaped from "Legend" (1985). It's a bit slow, the characters aren't very likeable, but it's still very watchable and even has a couple of great performances which are completely wasted due to everything else.

Starring Daniel Baldwin, James Russo and Dee Wallace, "Little Red Devil" is the closest that Tommy has come to making a decent horror movie, but it's probably her last too. You have to give her credit for getting this far as a director though.


Spirits of the Fall (2008)

"This Halloween, the spirits are restless and things that go bump in the night are closer than they seem for Chris, a widower who is coming to terms with his loss. While living in his hotel, strange things begin to happen. Voices in the night and faces at the window are not uncommon and things are about to get a lot worse when he is forced to face the paranormal and save his wife's soul from the evil spirit of her killer."

This poorly acted haunted house movie is the only reason why I wanted this pack. It's a British "indie horror" (AKA crappy amateur movie) which makes it a bit of a novelty. As a country used to only renting real movies from Blockbuster, we don't go in for a lot of these no-budget nasties.

Having struggled to get through it, I can see why we have more sense in Britain than to get involved with such utter crap. Even if this was uploaded to YouTube, it would still be hated. The overused faux "Jacob's Ladder"-style head wobbling and screaming near the end is icing on the cake.

Definitely one to skip.


The Whistler (2006)

"When a no-good band of thugs enter a quiet small town to unleash their terror, nothing could prepare them for the wrath of a gentle giant who would defend the honor of his one true love to the end of his life, and beyond."

Entertaining in places, especially the nudity and gore effects early on, but ultimately "The Whistler" is another pile of zombie crap made by people with no storytelling skills whatsoever.

It tries so hard to be serious that it's often pompous rather than being bad enough to be unintentionally funny. The dialogue and delivery are particularly atrocious, but it's the pacing which kills it.

If I was bored enough, I would rewatch sections of this for the beautiful girls but not as a horror movie.


Where the Dogs Divide Her (2011)

"Where the Dogs Divide Her begins amid the aftermath of a family massacre. A nameless man sits in an unfamiliar bathroom, his bloodied hands trembling as he ponders his crime of passion. An amnesiac without an identity, he goes in search of himself, only to unearth a long-buried family secret surrounding the bizarre deaths of his parents. An abstract ghost story populated by ever-threatening specters, shadowy souls with evil motives who inhabit a nightmare world within a troubled killer's psyche. They might offer a smile or a kind word, but their only purpose is to snare others into their Hell. Before the killer can come to terms with his deeds and escape this esoteric prison, he must confront his dead parents and make good on an infant's promise made thirty years ago."

Great title, but a desperately horrible "experimental movie" full of flashbacks and flashforwards like this isn't likely to satisfy anyone. At nearly 2 hours long, it's quite an endurance test which I don't think many horror fans will tolerate. I really tried to enjoy it, but I couldn't. Sadly, I didn't make it to the end and have no desire to return to it for more brain-numbing torture.

Fans of David Lynch might get something out of it, but the characters were too uninvolving for me. I don't like arty-farty movies anyway, and I wouldn't call "Where the Dogs Divide Her" a horror movie either.

The music used is quite nice though.


They Must Eat (2006)

"Sanford will forever be a socially inept loser. Now approaching the age of forty, his only girlfriend of 3 years has given him the boot and he’s working a dead end job. Beyond despair, Sanford decides to ask his only living relative, Uncle Alistair, to take him in. Alistair is not very fond of his deadbeat nephew but with his failing health he needs someone around to carry on his work after he dies. Unfortunately for Sanford, Alistair’s work involves frequent murders to feed an evil clan of flesh eating ghouls that live in the woods surrounding his house. At first Sanford is terrified by these foul beasties, but then learns to lead them and actually train them after his Uncle passes. Now all those who cross him will suffer the wrath of his monstrous minions."

"They Must Eat" is a very low-budget, slightly comedic Tommy Brunswick movie which is reminiscent of "Willard" but with ghouls instead of rats.

It's definitely not the worst movie that I've ever seen, but it's one of those where it's sometimes more fun to look at the background than the foreground. Checking out what other people have in their houses or places of work in low-budget movies always satisfies a certain nosiness when things lag. Fortunately, the pace improves as the story progresses.

Apart from the gore, the highlight is a hot Jehovah's Witness played by Meshelle Melone (who has a bigger role in "Little Red Devil"). Look out for her nipple piercing!


Closet Space (2008)

"What happens when the quest for knowledge comes up against the insatiable hunger for flesh? Six grad students slowly and horrifically discover the answer as they search for their missing professor."

If you can make it through the irritating "found footage" during the titles, there's a kind of H.P. Lovecraft story struggling to be told in "Closet Space". Unfortunately, like all Lovecraftian horror, it's very boring. Stuart Gordon has nothing to worry about here!

As you might expect, the acting is inconsistent, the dialogue is cringeworthy, and the camerawork is mostly terrible. On the plus side, some of the effects are nicely done.


Dreams of the Dead (2007)

"For 15 years the large estate of Samuel Arnold has stood silent and empty. From its darkened windows, dark and foreboding eyes stare out from behind the glass. But like a midwinter’s breeze in the lonely hours of the night, something stirs in both dreams and reality, unable to find any peace. What is the mystery of Danbury House?"

Originally titled "The Haunting of Danbury House" and taglined as "An Erotic Haunting", this is merely an excuse to wrap up a couple of beautiful girls getting topless with a badly arranged mystery. Natasha Neilsen (from "Bikini Bloodbath") is my favourite, by the way.

Despite that, some of the acting is half-way decent, and it's filmed competently enough. What sets this apart from the other movies in the pack is the location. Although not to my taste, the house itself is outstanding if you like that Victorian sort of thing.

As a ghost story, "Dreams of the Dead" isn't scary or creepy in any way. Possibly the most horrific things are the songs performed by the lead and her band. One of them is apparently called "Lava Lamp of Love"! What the Hell?


Evil Offspring (2009)

"There is a definite balance to the forces of good and evil in the universe. The quiet backwoods town of Angel Falls is home to this great equalizer! Enter two unsuspecting lost souls trying to find their way back to the highway, and become stranded on an old farm. The owners, Pa and Nan are quite hospitable, to the right type of guests, but if you’re a sinner, you wind up on their chopping block and fed to the voracious creatures known as THE EVIL OFFSPRING."

Finally, we have a third film by Tommy Brunswick, but not a very good one. I have a feeling that Tommy just sent all her movies apart from "Mr. Jingles" off to R Squared for distribution and hoped for the best. I wouldn't be surprised to see more of her movies on other multipacks from this company although I haven't checked into it.

Suffice it to say that "Evil Offspring" is made up of the same ensemble cast as Tommy's other movies, homages several very famous horror movies (in particular, "The Evil Dead" at the start), but then turns into a mixture of exploitation and badly done torture porn. At least there's a proper monster in this one again, the practical effects are mostly okay, and it's moderately entertaining in places.

The acting really sucks, and the line delivery often proves to be more than anyone can handle, but "Evil Offspring" tries to have a clever (also unoriginal) twist at the end.


I really don't recommend "Extreme Monsters" to anyone who calls themselves a horror fan. None of the movies deliver any scares whatsoever, plus only half of them are actually about "monsters" unless you stretch that term very broadly.

I got my copy of "Extreme Monsters" from my local pawn shop, but if you're a bit silly and want one for yourself, you're going to have to search the drugstores such as RiteAid or order it from Amazon.

As far as I know, these "Cutting Edge Cinema" collections haven't shown up in places like Wal-mart's bargain bins yet although they are available from Wal-mart's online store from between $5 to $12.

I can't honestly remember where I last saw these packs in the flesh because it was so long ago, but I think they may have been in Kmart. Next time I go, I'll be able to confirm it because I bet there are plenty of them left. Kmart's online store has them listed for $9.99 each anyway.

The Midnight Horror Collection: Road Trip to Hell

I get worse. I bought this collection way back in March 2012 (although it actually came out in August 2010), and I only finished watching it today.

It's not that "Road Trip to Hell" is a particularly bad set of movies or anything, but I had other things to do and newer movies to watch. Time slips aways so quickly, doesn't it?

Despite spending most of the weekend watching the two Alfred Hitchcock biopics, "Hitchcock" and "The Girl" (which I'll review later), I need to finally finish off these Echo Bridge Home Entertainment multipacks this week. They've been hanging over me like a dark cloud for far too long.


Sheltered (2010)

"On the eve of a massive storm, Joey, an awkward but straight-laced bartender, offers a group of vacationers refuge at his house. As the storm wreaks havoc outside, the group slowly discovers why they've been invited to the house, just how disturbed their host is, and that they'll have to fight a crazed killer if they're to see the light of dawn."

Although "Sheltered" is a very formulaic and predictable, the acting is above average for a slasher, everything looks okay, and the story is good enough to sustain anyone's interest until the end. Well, it kept me amused anyway.

The only downside is that the "twist" is given away right from the start so there's no mystery apart from who is going to die and in what order. Like I said, it's a slasher.

The sex scenes would have benefitted from some nudity as well, but that's not really a problem. The girls in this are very beautiful indeed even with their clothes on.


The Craving (2008)

"On a road trip across the country, a group of college friends become stranded in the desert. Miles from anywhere and with limited supplies, they discover that when the sun goes down, a deadly killer comes out. Something that will not go into the night quietly... or without a meal. The group must battle the creature for their lives in a desolate, harsh land that few have survived."

"The Craving" is quite an enjoyable monster flick if you are prepared to overlook some awful dialogue and frequent lapses into slasher formulas. There's enough mystery and tension to keep it interesting although the poor decision-making skills of the characters makes you want to slap some sense into them.

I'd like to say that I enjoyed this movie most of all, but I'd be lying. The concept of the monster and the purpose for luring it to a shack in the middle of the desert is original, but it's only an "Evil Dead" clone otherwise.


Hell's Highway (2002)

"A road trip for four college friends turns into a twisted, bloody nightmare when they pick up Lucinda, a hot, young hitchhiker who lusts for the kill. After she terrorizes them, the group kills her. But around the next bend—and every bend—she appears like a mirage, ready to slaughter again..."

Easy to confuse with "Detour" (also known as "Hell's Highway" in the UK), I mistakenly thought that I had the other movie until I watched it. The plot and tone are completely different.

This is the much lower-budget one with Phoebe Dollar (from "Goth") and Ron Jeremy in it, so it's not as serious as it should be. I must admit that I spent more time looking at Phoebe's slightly wonky teeth than concentrating on the story or lack of production values anyway. Phoebe is still a very pretty girl though, and one scene is genuinely erotic.


Feeding Grounds (2006)

"En route to a weekend at a desert cabin, four young couples find themselves in a dangerous situation that will push them to their breaking points. After a glitch in plans forces them to pull over, they burn time by getting the party started amid the gorgeous desert scenery until a grisly discovery sets them running. But there's nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide..."

"Feeding Grounds" starts off really well, then jumps the shark when it becomes yet another story about bickering teenagers being picked off by monsters in the desert. It could have been scary, but there's too much talk and not enough action.

Taking the low-budget into account, there's still no excuse for the huge plot holes and confusing ending.


"Road Trip to Hell" is one of the best "Midnight Horror" collections if you like low-budget movies. While not exactly brilliant, these aren't "hobby horror" movies like so many which give the genre a bad name.

The best way to look at a themed pack like this is to imagine it as a really long anthology without a wraparound story (and with some of the segments being weaker than others). There's certainly enough variety to keep you from feeling that you're watching the same thing over and over again.

As you can see from the Amazon link (to the left), the best price for "Road Trip to Hell" is only a penny. I can wholeheartedly recommend it for twice that price!

This is one of the few Echo Bridge Home Entertainment multi-features which I intend to keep.

4 Films Horror Collector's Set: 4

This is the last of the "4 Films Horror Collector's Sets" which I own a copy of. Only one more set followed although Echo Bridge Home Entertainment changed one movie on it (just as they've done before) to make two versions. I'll post something about it next time even though I didn't buy it.

I was haunted by this movie collection in nearly every store that I went in from T.J. Maxx through to K-mart until I finally gave-in just to get "The Howling IV". It isn't that "The Howling IV" is a great movie or anything, but it was one of the titles that I'd left in Big Lots back when they had lots of horror movies for $3 each, and I stupidly still wanted it.

Suffice it to say that I really didn't have a lot of interest in anything else here or in any more Echo Bridge Home Entertainment multipacks which followed. I've bought several of their Miramax and Full Moon collections since but only two more of "The Midnight Horror Collection" packs (one of which I still haven't even opened).

Thus, because I don't particularly like these movies, I'm now going to rush through these capsule reviews just to get them out of the way.


Raging Sharks (2003)

"When the crew of an underwater lab discovers an unearthly sunken object that's mysteriously attracting hundreds of sharks, they become a security risk... and a target."

I've been told that this is a really bad movie, but I'll never know because I switched it off soon after the Nu Image and Tosca Films logos were replaced by a giant spaceship crashing into another one above a red planet. Ugh! Then I did my usual trick of fast-forwarding to see if there was any nudity or anything else interesting. Apart from lots of stock footage of sharks, I didn't see anything worth stopping for.

"Raging Sharks" is a Sci-Fi channel movie from the days when they still at least attempted to put vaguely science-fiction movies on instead of wrestling or "Ghost Hunters". Unfortunately, it was years before this point that all their movies sucked anyway.

It's got Corbin Bernsen in it and nobody else that I've ever heard of. They all look very worried, wave their hands about, and fire guns at something, then the credits roll featuring lots of Bulgarian names.

My life isn't long enough to watch crap like this.


Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

"Thirty years ago, Ray Reiter witnessed the brutal death of his parents at sea by a strange, octopus-like creature. Now determined to avenge the murders, he joins a perilous high-seas expedition that brings him face to face with the killer Kraken—guardian of the coveted Greek Opal—and a ruthless crime lord who wants the treasure for himself."

Another horrible Sci-Fi channel movie made by Nu Image which shouldn't be in a horror pack. This is an adventure movie for little kids who like CGI monsters.

Too much talk, not enough action, but the pretty (mostly Canadian) actors and actresses do a fairly decent job in spite of the script.

Again, I watched this mostly on fast-forward, but I saw cleavage a few times and had to find out who owned it.


Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988)

"At the direction of her doctor, Marie and her husband plan a restful getaway to the picturesque town of Drago. Marie knows that something sinister is going down in the town, but what she doesn't know is that it has razor sharp claws, an insatiable lust for blood, and it kills by the cold light of a full moon..."

A lot of people hate this movie for being little more than a low-budget remake of "The Howling" (1981), but it's actually closer to Gary Brandner's novel than the original. It doesn't have Dee Wallace in it either which is another point in its favour as far as my viewing pleasure is concerned.

"Howling IV" is slow to the point of frustration, the audio sounds redubbed like a foreign movie, the werewolf transformation scenes near the end obviously aren't as good as Rick Baker's, and, basically, it's all because the financial backers pulled out a couple of days into shooting. You therefore have to commend everyone involved for still making a watchable movie even though it isn't a particularly good one. Or not, as the case may be.

I appreciate this film because it's serious in tone rather than continuing the silliness of "The Howling III: The Marsupials" (1987) which I loathe with a passion. It's easily the best of the "Howling" sequels, but I don't overrate it and would never recommend it as a full price purchase.


Night Shadow (1989)

"Alex, an up-and-coming TV journalist, returns to her hometown of Danford as local poilice attempt to cope with a series of brutal murders. The small town plunges into a state of panic and the murders—clearly the work of a monster, more beast than man—continue... until Alex comes face to face withe evil itself."

I reviewed "Night Shadow" back when it was shown on Zone Horror in the UK. I barely made it through once so I'm certainly not going to torture myself with it again.

I really didn't like it, but the director (or someone claiming to be the director) said that I made some fair points. Unfortunately, I deleted that comment along with everyone else's when I added the Disqus widget. Never mind.


Amazon no longer sells this pack although Wal-mart and many other online retailers still do. I think they refer to it as "Horror Collector's Set Vol. 6" even though it's really number 8 or 9 in the series.

I don't understand why anybody would want these 4 movies in the first place, but the easiest (and cheapest) way to get them is by buying "The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Pack Vol. 4" (left) instead.

I haven't bought this volume so I can't tell you a thing about the 4 vampire movies which it also contains. The first "Subspecies" might be good through the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, but I watched all the "Subspecies" movies so long ago that I can barely remember anything about them now.

Tomorrow (or the day after), I'll post a quick recap of the Echo Bridge Home Entertainment packs so far followed by a comparison of the new packs to the old ones to make things easier for collectors.

Nailbiter (2012)

"A mother and three daughters get caught up in a tornado and take shelter in a storm cellar. While trapped inside the cellar, they quickly discover that they are not alone."

Never mind how I saw "Nailbiter" since it isn't even out on DVD yet. If I was one of the privileged sycophants who praise everything just to get a free screener, I would have had whoever was responsible for this piece of crap falling over themselves to send me one. As it is, I'm just too honest, which is why, even though I've been doing this far longer than any other specifically horror movie reviewer on the internet, I'll never be a success compared to the big name websites. Mind you, it all depends on how you measure success because at least I will always be honest.

This terrible movie was absolutely one of the worst I've seen this year (or last year, or even the year before that). I'm still in total shock that anyone could make something this bad, not realise how bad it was (or even care), and hope to get a distribution deal for it.

What made it even more disappointing was that it wasn't all bad. It had quite good production values, started off well, the tornado effects were nice, the acting was mostly acceptable, and the mother of the three girls was kind of hot. She was certainly a lot better looking than her daughters anyway. I have no idea what her name was, but I'd guess from the IMDb cast list that she was played by Erin McGrane. If the IMDb have got it wrong (as there seems to be some confusion on there about this film) then I may have incorrectly named one of the ugly little girls in the film by accident. At this stage of the night, I don't even care.

With hardly any gore or action, "Nailbiter" was so shit that I'm going to give as many spoilers as I can just so you never have to watch it, and, hopefully, it never gets a DVD release. You know why? It's not that I mind anyone having a go at making a horror movie, but I've had enough of bad ones to last me a lifetime. This was the final straw.

The story was absolutely ridiculous with more plot contrivances than a 12-year-old would come up with for a school play. Basically, there was a mother and three daughters trapped in a basement during a tornado (and subsequent storm) who were too feeble between them to push open the basement doors, or use any of the numerous jars of inflammable moonshine to burn the doors open, and escape. There may have been some weird, mutant humanoids outside, but nothing a good hard kick in the goolies couldn't have sorted out. I know American horror movie characters are often pretty dumb, but this film was an insult to the intelligence of any viewer stupid enough to watch it. It didn't even have the decency to try to be a comedy!

The "storm creatures" (AKA werewolf ripoffs) were crappily done, made no sense (except that the storm was said to affect them all differently), and didn't appear on screen for more than a couple of minutes in total. The first one was apparently green in colour like a reptillian-zombie too just to give you an indication of how little thought went into this.

Honest to God, I thought I'd seen it all until the uglier of the two younger daughters got bitten on the arm (ON THE ARM!) and then, despite being full of energy before, fell into some kind of coma for over half the film! When the mother got scratched and collapsed in a similar way before eventually blowing herself up for no good reason, I was almost bald from pulling my hair out. Why did she do that? Couldn't she have thrown the jar of moonshine at the still which they'd moved under the basement doors and ran away quickly? It made no sense unless she was supposed to have died from having a couple of scratches on her belly.

I can barely even bring myself to talk about the eldest daughter's use of a nail-gun instead of a real weapon. They don't fire nails through the air, you know! You have to physically press them onto a board before the nail will come out. It's a little thing called a "safety mechanism" to stop dumb people from getting all Lone Rangery with the things and ending up in the emergency room.

I'm almost certain that the eldest daughter was played by Meg Saricks (pictured above with a real pistol), but I'm not 100% sure. She did okay with what she had to work with. Unfortunately, this was one of those films which was directed by nobody you've ever heard of, and starred even more people who you've never heard of and probably never will again.

It doesn't matter anyway because everybody died in this film even the cleverer of the ugly daughters. You could tell she was clever because she was wearing glasses and knew how to read! Oh, Christ-on-a-bike. She wasn't clever enough to recognise moonshine in a jar though. No, the mother just had to be a recovering alcoholic so that she could tell everyone what that was. Speccy-four-eyes was only in it to inform us of the background story to the creatures by finding a load of old newspapers full of headlines about storms, mutilations and weird numbers of babies being born because, clearly, somebody didn't know how to write exposition properly.

And, of course, it just had to end with a set-up for a potential sequel which promises to be even more lame. Oh great, next we can have the father of the girls being a military badass along with the big-nosed, nerdy boyfriend who must also have read the delayed text messages, as they wipe out the whole town of mutants. Or not, as the case may be.

How can anyone sane like or praise a movie like this? I know there's still a trendy, hipster movement which keeps hyping intentionally bad horror movies over any actual good ones, but the times are a-changing. Most people are sick of these amateur horror films now, and I'm proud to be part of the backlash.

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

"Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods."

As much as I really want to give you my review of "The Cabin in the Woods", with so many other horror bloggers all falling over themselves to write about the same clever yet unscary movie, I thought I'd give everyone else a chance at some page hits.

Much as I did last year with "Scream 4" (ironically another "meta-horror"), I'm simply going to list all the reviews from my blogroll as and when they happen. You can call it a "shoutout" if you like as I'm sure there are quite a few horror blogs here which you've never heard of and would be wise to follow.

HorrO's Gory Reviews - THE CABIN IN THE WOODS REVIEW
horrorfatale.com - ‘THE CABIN IN THE WOODS’ – Opens Today
The Non-Review - Cabin in the Woods, Lockout, The Three Stooges: 7 Word Weekend Review
Horror Movie A Day - The Cabin In The Woods (2011)
PLANET OF TERROR!! - The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Dinner With Max Jenke - The Horror Film To End All Horror Films?
The Fear Corner - The Cabin in the Woods (2012) Review
Full Moon Reviews - Horror, Sci-Fi, Action, B-Movies - The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Zombots! - The Cabin in the Woods
DARKMATTERS - The Mind Of Matt - Darkmatters Review: The Cabin In The Woods
The Man-Cave - The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
A Mighty Fine Blog - Film Review: The Cabin In The Woods (2011)
The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema - The Cabin in the Woods (SXSW 2012)
Kilplix's Blog - The Cabin in the Woods review
Uncle Frank's Film Blog - The Cabin in the Woods
Andy's Film Blog - The Cabin in the Woods
The Fear Corner - The Cabin in the Woods (2012) Review
IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS - THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
the jaded viewer - The Cabin in the Woods (Review)
Horror Smorgasbord - The Cabin In The Woods (Review/Overview/Discussion)
The Horror Club - The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
A Wimp Does Horror - Cabin in the Woods
Horror Lovers Spot - Cabin in the Woods

Also, just like before, I'm going to wait until the DVD comes out and not get caught up in this zero-day maelstrom of spoilers (although I think you can probably tell what I thought of "The Cabin in the Woods" anyway). If you follow me on Twitter then you already know.

Anyway, if you have yet another review of "The Cabin in the Woods" which I haven't mentioned, just leave it as a comment below and I'll edit it into this post accordingly.

Trollhunter (2010)

(AKA Trolljegeren)



"A group of students investigate a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter."

Since everyone else is doing the "Blogger Zombie Walk" today, I thought I'd just be a total contrarian and review "Trollhunter" instead.

I actually watched this last weekend when it first appeared on Netflix but decided to wait until I'd seen it at least a couple of times over before seeing if I could write about it in a good way. "Trollhunter", you see, is yet another one of those "found footage" movies which I hate so much plus it's Norwegian.

Norway isn't exactly well known for its horror movies apart from the excellent "Fritt Vilt" (2006) and a couple of others which were not nearly as good, so I wasn't expecting a lot from "Trollhunter". However, I was generally quite pleasantly surprised.

Making allowances for the style of the film, the acting seemed to be pretty good. Obviously I don't understand Norwegian, so my assessment is only based on the actors' expressions rather than their delivery. Having said that, it's still supposed to be a wry comedy, but it undoubtedly comes across as a lot more serious to an only English-speaking audience, which is definitely a good thing.

After the unnecessary amount of overrating which "Dead Snow" (2009) got, I really thought that I was going to hate this horror-comedy just as much, but I actually got quite caught up in it and enjoyed it for what it was. Johanna Mørck, who was also in "Fritt Vilt II" (2008), really stole the show for me with her big-eyed, knowing looks at the camera.

Apart from Tomas Alf Larsen. who was Eirek in "Fritt Vilt" and "Fritt Vilt II", the rest of the cast seem to be complete unknowns in the horror genre. Otto Jespersen, who plays Hans the Trollhunter, is the best known to Norwegian audiences due to his comedy TV show, but it hasn't travelled outside of the country, so you'd be forgiven if you've never heard of any of these people before.

Glenn Erland Tosterud as Thomas had the most character development going on if only because he was in front of the camera more than anyone else. Although the titular hero is supposed to be the focus, he's a bit too dour to form any attachment to. Thomas' gleefulness is a lot more infectious, and he's the one that you want to care about more than the others.

As for the trolls themselves, they are very well done. Although they were meant to look somewhat silly and like something which Ray Harryhausen would have been very pleased with, they could be quite menacing at times. I've probably forgotten the names of some of them them but they include a three-headed Tosserlad, a Ringlefinch who lives under a bridge, Mountain Kings who fart a lot, and an enormous Jotnar whose spectacular appearance is given away on the DVD sleeve.

Writer/director André Øvredal alluded to fairytales while creating a whole new backstory to trolls which I found very clever. I also liked the camerawork which showed a lot of Norway. I'm not much of a traveller and should probably be ashamed to say that I've never had any great desire to visit Norway. It actually looks a lot like rural America in places only slightly less shit.

If you absolutely hated "The Blair Witch Project" and "Cloverfield" then you'll probably want to give "Trollhunter" a miss too. If you give it a chance though, you'll find that the Norwegians have actually succeeded where all the other "found footage" filmmakers have failed. It's just a pity that they didn't make any of it scary.

Attack the Block (2011)

"A teen gang in South London defend their block from an alien invasion."

You would think that any film written and directed by Joe Cornish would be a comedy but, in this case, you'd be very wrong. "Attack the Block", if it can be described at all, is mostly a British action film with enough aliens to make it about as science-fiction as an episode of Doctor Who.

Having said that, "Attack the Block" has a very fatal flaw especially for a British audience. The main characters are a bunch of the lowest possible chavscum and all you want to do is see them die horribly one by one.

Of course, it wouldn't be much of a story if that was all that happened so the teenage thugs are developed into the unlikeliest of heroes.

I found nothing of merit in this film since I was completely alienated from all the characters except their victim after the opening mugging scene. I absolutely loathe chavs, their stupid droning accents, and their adoption of everything bad from American rap music. Most of all, I despise the society which allowed them to happen. They truly are Britain's shame.

The alien "gorilla-wolf" creatures and their kills weren't all that impressive either and, although I made it all the way to the end of the film, I didn't really enjoy the experience.

If you are American and are expecting another "Shaun of the Dead" from this, don't.

Dark Floors (2008)

"A man emerges with his autistic daughter and three others from a hospital elevator to find themselves trapped in the building with devilish monsters."

You probably won't believe it of me, since I'm not a fan of Finnish heavy metal music at all, but I've wanted to see this film starring the former Eurovision Song Contest winners, Lordi, from the moment I first heard about it. The trouble is that there aren't very many DVD stores where I live and the ones that do exist have pitiful horror sections. Thus I was quite pleased to find that this (and quite a few other "Ghost House" films) are now on Netflix especially as I, like many other people, couldn't even get the service to work at all for most of Sunday night.

Was it worth the wait though? Well, yes and no. "Dark Floors" is rumoured to be the most expensive Finnish movie ever and the very high production values seem to confirm this. It looks really good, not unlike "Silent Hill" or "Resident Evil" in places, but, storywise, it's quite confusing if you try to make it into anything other than a little girl's recurring nightmare.

The majority of the film involves a small group of recognisable British TV actors (some with American accents) running around a deserted hospital which appears to be either purgatory or a kind of gateway to Hell (hence the title, "Dark Floors"). It's not overly original but occasionally there's a jump scare or other set piece of action which is quite effective.

The special effects vary in quality but Lordi look really good as monsters and there's nothing jarringly bad about the extensive use of CGI at all. The set itself was completely real (according to my Googling) and built specifically for this film so you have to give credit where it's due.

One thing which stood out for me was how much the security guard resembled Richard T. Jones from "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" and, more recently, "Super 8". It's not him but the actor is certainly a "Richard T. Jones type" which makes me wonder why Richard T. Jones wasn't actually cast to play the role. He's certainly appeared in far worse.

I also wouldn't be me if I failed to mention that the blonde Dominique McElligott stole the show entirely. She was convincingly terrified throughout. I have no idea if she's been in other movies but I wouldn't mind seeing a lot more of her in the horror genre or anything else for that matter.

As much as all the actors did a really good job, the meaning of the story itself is open to so many interpretations that you'll either love it or hate it depending on how hard you want to think. I've noticed that a lot of Scandinavian films do this so it must be a cultural thing rather than bad writing. There's no real twist to this which would have made it a lot better though it's hinted at throughout.

I really enjoyed it though Lordi aren't really the stars. The band members appear here and there as various ghosts and monsters, and, of course, Mr Lordi does his trademark wing-lifting thing near the end. It's really like a feature length version of their "Hard Rock Hallelujah" video but without any of their music which I'm somewhat grateful for.

I'm not going to over-enthusiastically recommend "Dark Floors". It's something you might enjoy very late at night or as a supporting feature for something better which you want to watch.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

"Kirsty is brought to an institution after the death of her family, where the occult-obsessive head resurrects Julia and unleashes the Cenobites once again."

Now I know it's bizarre to rate a sequel higher than the first film in a series but while I found the original "Hellraiser" (1987) impressive, it wasn't until Clare Higgins came back as the skinless Julia (albeit with Deborah Joel as her body double) that I really felt that true horror had been achieved.

It's a pity that all the later "Hellraiser" films are so appalling compared to this as if they'd continued to get more brutal and surreal then I think a lot more people would be buying into them today rather than discounting "Hellraiser" as a franchise which has outstayed its welcome.

Every actor in "Hellbound" gives an outstanding performance which is only possible because they are all what I term "real actors". Apart from Doug Bradley and Ashley Laurence, none of the actors were known to me for doing horror and it was quite a shock to see the calibre of Kenneth Cranham, Clare Higgins and even Imogen Boormen (also known later for being the lead in the BBC's "Iphigenia at Aulis") in something like this.

The surrealness of the monsters and the effects used to create them in "Hellbound" really make this extraordinary.

The Descent: Part 2 (2009)

(AKA "The De2cent")



"Distraught, confused, and half-wild with fear, Sarah Carter emerges alone from the Appalachian cave system where she encountered unspeakable terrors. Unable to plausibly explain to the authorities what happened - or why she's covered in her friends' blood - Sarah is forced back to the subterranean depths to help locate her five missing companions..."

Well, what can I say? I hated the first film and, with this being a sequel, I didn't expect much of "The De2cent" at all. It's just the same stuff all over again yet even weaker as if that was even possible. I'm glad that I only rented this one through Netflix and didn't buy it.

I know I'm going to get branded as a "Negative Nancy" over my recent batch of reviews even though it's not as if I hate everything but, honestly, this was truly awful. At least there was some sense of reason, slim as it was, to the first film but nothing in the sequel made any sense. Why was Sarah (yes, I got her name now!) taken back into the caverns which she escaped from? Don't you think she would have spent a considerable time recovering in hospital and suffered from post traumatic stress disorder for the rest of her life if any of this was real? And why was this all based on the American theatrical ending rather than the British version where she never escaped the caverns in the first place? I was expecting some big twist like another dream sequence at the end to finally wrap this up. Maybe having Sarah in an asylum like the girl from "High Tension" or even taking her right back to the white water rafting accident and having her wake up from being knocked out to discover that everything was just a nightmare would have worked. I think I need to become a screenwriter as clearly nobody involved in this shoddy production had a clue.

As much as I really want to do nothing but tear this film apart for all its plotholes, feeble dialogue, lack of atmosphere, credible sympathetic characters or pathetically unrealistic special effects, I'll leave those things to anybody who even cares. What disturbed me the most about "The De2cent" was the reappearance of the annoying Juno character (not Ellen Page) who miraculously survived being killed by hordes of CHUDs in the first film to become a completely different kind of badass character altogether. You can imagine the obvious expletives which I let fly at the TV screen at that point but suffice it to say that the acronym "WTF" will do. I'm over it now because at least she was the best looking female in either film even if she never delivered the goods in the way I would have preferred.

As a Classically trained movie reviewer, I'm always looking for consistent characterisation, unity of time and place, and any kind of catharsis. "The De2cent" had even less of these things than "The Descent"! If you try and watch both films back to back as I did then everything falls apart completely. "The De2cent" is supposed to be a continuation rather than a sequel but it disregarded so much of the first part that it felt like a vastly inferior remake. Even with Sarah suffering from amnesia her actions made no sense whatsoever and, as much as I paid attention, nor did anyone else's. For instance, why could three grown women not manage to pull the Colonel Sanders lookalike back out of the hole instead of chopping his finger lickin' hand off? Was it just to add some more unrealistic gore to an already totally implausible story? Funny coloured blood and multiple hacks aside, I did somewhat enjoy that moment though.

There were some things that I liked about "The De2cent" but they were very few and far between. The jump scares varied from irritating to effective but the gory set pieces seemed to work. It was just a pity that the rest of this story was wrapped around them. I'm probably a complete contrarian because I preferred the abundance of light in the new cavern set to the darkness of the old one. It's nice to be able to see what's going on and I hate watching anything that leaves 90% of my TV screen completely black. The supposed claustrophobia which lots of people felt watching the original didn't work for me anyway especially as I watch everything on a massive widescreen LCD TV in the first place.

One thing that's puzzled me about the CHUDs (or "crawlers" as they are called in the credits) is how, by relying on all their senses other than vision, they can tell the difference between themselves, noises made by each other, and anything else which screams laziness on the part of the writers. I remember from the first film how one of them had his hand right on the head of one of the girls and didn't notice yet all anyone has to do is make a small noise and dozens of CHUDs appear. Why don't the CHUDs attack each other if they are so stupid? More importantly, why do I even care? Perhaps it's because they have no real backstory. Since I don't believe in evolution, I'm tempted to think that they are creations of some sort and, furthermore, some kind of scientific creation which will have more light shed on it in the next sequel. Oh, yes, there will be a "Part 3". According to the forum on the ultra-reliable IMDb, it's already been filmed.

If "The Descent" doesn't actually turn into a trilogy then the ending of "Part 2" made absolutely no sense at all especially if you try and tie it up with its own beginning. Of course it could just be completely ignored like they used to do with the cliffhangers of RKO serial plays back in the 1930s especially as that's exactly what happened with this sequel. I don't really care one way or another. If I had my "drothers" as they say in New York, then this series would end right here but I fear the worst is yet to come.

Anyway, I've spent far more time on writing about this drivel than I wanted to and I need to get back to watching some decent stuff again. Even though my own Halloween viewing is going to consist of watching "Bring It On", "Clueless" and "Legally Blonde" while I take a break from watching nothing but horror movies for the rest of the year, there are still two weeks left for me to try to find enough good horror films to write about to keep my new October readers happy. Somehow I expect to be pretty quiet on here until "Saw VII".

The Descent (2005)

"A caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators."

Since I'm just about to watch and review "The Descent: Part 2", I thought I'd pull the "Original Unrated Cut" of "The Descent" out to remind myself of why I didn't like it and hold no real hope for the sequel.

At the time it was released, I remember how I really wanted this to be good. Lots of claustrophic action and pretty women potholers menaced by CHUDs was something that I could definitely be entertained by but alas it was not to be. I didn't care about any of the overly feminist characters and just wanted them to be eaten as soon as possible especially when it didn't turn into the "boobs and blood" fest that I expected it to be.

Anyway, I watched it all again to see if any of the girls were less butch or annoying the second time around (or if I could understand any more of what they were mumbling to each other without using the subtitles). I think I gave it a fair chance even though I was still dreading the ridiculous non-ending which should have been chopped off it.

There were one or two good action scenes but the acting was appalling and the plot ran out of steam once the first CHUD was revealed. I mean, what's the point of watching any more of it after the surprise is given away? It was just another slasher movie from then on and I found it boring.

I still don't even know the names of any of the characters or actors except by looking them up on the IMDb because absolutely anybody at all could have been in their roles and it wouldn't have made much difference. Nobody stood out except the Irish lesbian with big teeth and that was only because of her enormous gnashers. There was just nothing here to sympathise with and that was a massive flaw. Unless you are into potholing or spelunking (or whatever the hell the correct term is), I don't think it's even possible to empathise with the situations presented here.

"The Descent" reminded me in places of the Denis Leary and Emilio Estevez film "Judgment Night" (1993) but set underground with CHUDs (instead of gangsters) and the most un-cavewise potholers ever to enter a cave (instead of the un-streetwise yuppies). I know that nothing is ever very original when it comes to the horror genre but the similarities in this case were far too many for me to put it out of my mind.

It wasn't the setting or the plot though but just the bad characterisation and silly monsters which ultimately ruined this film for me. I still can't get my head around how this made Neil Marshall famous for five minutes or why it still has such a high rating on the IMDb.