Vincent Price died 20 years ago today

Vincent died on October 25th, 1993. Can you believe it?

He died before most of today's horror fans were even born!

I recommend buying one of these if you aren't familiar with the great man's work.

The last one is cheapest in Target.

The Family (2013)

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Sharknado (2013)

"A freak hurricane hits Los Angeles, causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in tornadoes and flooding the city with shark-infested seawater."

Since I mentioned it in my last post, I suppose I ought to say something about "Sharknado". What better movie to review for "Surprise Sunday" especially as the biggest surprise is that I actually liked it?

Yes, I can find very little wrong with "Sharknado" other than the obviously awful effects and scientific impossibilities. It's very nicely paced, has some amusing gore, lots of action, and even a couple of decent moments of suspense. As far as disaster movies go, "Sharknado" is as exciting as any of the Summer blockbusters. In particular, there's a sequence with a Ferris wheel which is really outstanding considering the low-budget.

I didn't get bored, although I nearly did during the school bus rescue scene and a bit of superfluous family drama near the end, so I'm going to rate "Sharknado" as one of the best movies from The Asylum that I've ever seen. Take that with a huge pinch of salt though because I've only seen half a dozen of their products anyway. Clearly some talent was accidentally allowed to sneak in which I doubt will ever happen again. The Asylum have been trying for years to make an intentionally "so bad it's good" cult movie, but more through luck than judgement, they got the balance right this time.

Enough said!

Having got the praise out of the way, it's time to look at the more negative aspects.

"Sharknado" is, of course, a "B movie". Worse than that, it's more like a C, D, E or F movie, but it's certainly not "Z grade" like most of the theatrical films that I've reviewed recently. There's entertainment to be had here if you are in the right frame of mind, or even if you aren't. A lot of message board snobs have said that they'll only watch "Sharknado" with a load of beer on board, but there's no need for that unless you want to make a party out of it.

The acting is TV quality which is in keeping with this being a TV movie, but some of it is uncommonly bad. The biggest name in the film is John Heard, and he's beyond awful. Maybe it's his age or the fact that he just didn't care that much, but his performance is painfully embarrassing to watch.

Ian Ziering does a fairly decent job as the annoying lead character named Fin (geddit?) who doesn't realise the "no good deed goes unpunished" rule no matter how many times it slaps him in the face. That surprised me because I absolutely loathed him when he used to play Steve in "Beverly Hills 90210". What a difference almost a quarter of a century makes! Mind you, I only used to watch that show for Shannen Doherty so I barely registered Ian Ziering and didn't ever know his real name.

I still don't really know who Tara Reid is. I know she's in a couple of movies which I have on DVD ("The Big Lebowski" and "Urban Legend"), but I can't say that I recognised the name or was able to put a face to it even with that information. Apparently she plays Fin's equally irksome ex-wife, but if you'd told me that she was the daughter I wouldn't have been any wiser. Neither of them do much in this movie so Tara Reid's status in my mind isn't going to change.

You're going to need a bigger bookcase!

Cassie Scerbo, the pretty, shotgun-toting brunette with a slightly wonky nose, steals every scene she's in, so if anyone will be remembered from "Sharknado" in a 100% positive way, it'll be her. She alternates from cute to sexy in a heartbeat and may be someone to look out for in the future. It seems that she was in "Bring It On: In It to Win It" (2007), but I don't remember too much about that or if I ever watched it. She'd probably be great as a final girl in a real horror movie.

There's not much else to say about "Sharknado" as it's just a bit of fun. Apart from a couple of stunts, all the action was done with CGI and green screens, plus some models and a couple of latex mock-ups, so make of it what you will.

I think there was more talent shown with this computer generated silliness than in movies with a far bigger budget so I'll not-so-grudgingly give out praise where it's due. The stars of the show are the often incongruous effects, but getting the movie to look half as good as it does with the budgetary contraints and schedule must have taken some doing. Realistically, I can imagine that it was a lot less fun for everybody behind the scenes. Whoever did the post-production editing had such a great sense of timing that they also deserve some kind of award.

I have no hesitation in recommending "Sharknado" as the "must see" SyFy channel movie of 2013. Since I'm an "elitist prick" rather than a hipster, I'm definitely not saying that to be ironic. I couldn't care less if it makes me look like a hypocrite either. There's an exception to every rule and liking "Sharknado" serves me right for making rules for myself in the first place.

"Sharknado" isn't something that I'm ever going to buy on DVD (unless it's in a multipack), but it's certainly worth a rental once it comes to Redbox in September. I'm sure it'll be reshown ad nauseum before then though.

The ABCs of Death (2012)

"A 26-chapter anthology that showcases death in all its vicious wonder and brutal beauty."

"The ABCs of Death" is responsible for another 2 hours of my life which I'll never get back, but on the bright side, at least I didn't have to wait to see this megaturd at one of the 30 or so selected cinemas which will be showing it next week. "The ABCs of Death" has been available as a VOD for some time now although I don't recommend that you pay for it if you can help it. It's even more of an insult to any normal human being's intelligence than "V/H/S". I wouldn't even let animals watch this crap.

Because I couldn't care less if I spoil this for you, here's the list of the 26 short "movies" (hahaha, what a joke to even call them that!) or segments and what I thought about them. My ratings are in parentheses.

"A is for Apocalypse" - very short but to the point with decent gore. (4/10)

"B is for Bigfoot" - predictable, but the pretty Mexican actress has lovely boobs. (3/10)

"C is for Cycle" - I didn't get it. Like most of the movies in this anthology, it makes no sense. (0/10)

"D is for Dogfight" - nice choreography but stupid, and I didn't understand the ending. (2/10)

"E is for Exterminate" - Angela Bettis' entry is too quick and predictable. (2/10)

"F is for Fart" - the Japanese girls are kinda hot, but the story is too bizarre. (2/10)

"G is for Gravity" - What? Did a shark get him or something? Who cares? (0/10)

"H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion" - just weird. I didn't like it or understand what was going on. (0/10)

"I is for Ingrown" - What was ingrown? I expected toenails and got nothing. (0/10)

"J is for Jidai-geki" - a couple of stupid masks, and that's it. (0/10)

"K is for Klutz" - a badly drawn cartoon. Entertaining in a childish way but pointless. (1/10)

"L is for Libido" - one of the better ones. Reminiscent of "A Serbian Film" but with more punches pulled. (4/10)

"M is for Miscarriage" - Ti West gave less than a minute to this. Who cares though? All his movies suck anyway. (0/10)

"N is for Nuptials" - the bird is funny. Reusing an old Jethro joke isn't. (2/10)

"O is for Orgasm" - I have no idea what this is about other than a mess of camera tricks and a woman with bad skin. Feel free to enlighten me by writing your answer on the back of a stamp. (0/10)

"P is for Pressure" - very nasty ending and based on something which really happened online. I don't even want to talk about it, but it's another reason to boycott anything else from Simon Rumney. (0/10)

"Q is for Quack" - nice boobs at start, cute duck at end, but "meta" all the way. (0/10)

"R is for Removed" - utter crap. So surreal that I have no idea what it's supposed to be about. (0/10)

"S is for Speed" - also didn't make any sense to me. Heroin isn't the same thing as speed, is it? (0/10)

"T is for Toilet" - crappy claymation with a twist ending. Not acceptable. (0/10)

"U is for Unearthed" - a handycam vampire exhumation. Some originality, much borrowing. (1/10)

"V is for Vagitus" - lots of sci-fi action and gore, but no point. (1/10)

"W is for WTF?" - exactly, just a mess and even more "meta" than "Q". (0/10)

"X is for XXL" - beautifully gory and very good storytelling. If you find this segment online on its own, save yourself some time by only watching this one. (8/10)

"Y is for Youngbuck" - another story which makes no sense. (0/10)

"Z is for Zetsumetsu" - which is apparently some kind of weird Japanese porn with lots of fake sexual organs and sushi. (0/10)

It comes to something when a dog is the best actor in the film.

I've seen many terrible movies in my time, but "The ABCs of Death" really deserves some kind of award for being such a self-indulgent waste of the 26 lots of $5000 which each filmmaker was supposed to spend on his or her segment. Apparently, it costs $5000 for Ti West to throw some uncooked meat wrapped up in toilet paper down the bog and film a girl in glasses with a plunger in her hand looking at it. Well done, Ti, for proving yourself a total douchebag.

As for the animal cruelty (either shown or implied) which has been dumped in this just to be controversial, I'm against most forms of censorship, but if I had the power to do anything about it, I would pull "The ABCs of Death" in a second, have all copies of it destroyed, and have the filmmakers prosecuted individually. Kids who are looking for cheap thrills will always find them because of rumours, but sicker kids will seek out a "movie" like this and use it as inspiration.

All copies of "The ABCs of Death" ought to be destroyed anyway in case today's braindead generation start thinking that burning a load of glorified YouTube videos onto a DVD is the equivalent of making a real movie. With this lack of talent for them to emulate, no wonder horror is dead. In another 20 years, there probably won't be any movies except for 5 minute long ones on video hosting sites.

Furthermore, I have no idea why Amazon lists this as starring Ingrid Bolsø Berdal. She's not in it anywhere.

According to the IMDb, "The ABCs of Death" will be in movie theatres from February 28th. I advise you to watch something else.

Final Destination 5 (2011)

"Survivors of a suspension-bridge collapse learn there's no way you can cheat Death." 

Well, I've just watched "Final Destination 5" and, even though I didn't see it in 3D, it was awesome!

I'm sure that a lot of people have been saying this but "Final Destination 5" is easily the best of the sequels and even gives "Final Destination" itself a run for its money. Everything you've come to expect from the franchise has been repeated yet again but slicker, faster and gorier than ever before.

I don't know who any of the actors were apart from Tony Todd (who appeared as little more than a cameo) but I recognised a couple of them from TV. It doesn't matter who plays who in a movie like this anyway as all you really care about are the death scenes and, rest assured, they were brutal!

As with all current movies, I'm not going to give you any spoilers but I am still going to criticise a few things so if you don't want to know, please stop reading after this paragraph.

The first thing I noticed was that the levels of CGI had been increased severely. I doubt that there were even any practical effects used other than blood and makeup but I'm willing to stand corrected about that. It was really good CGI nonetheless and totally in keeping with the rest of the film especially if you are lucky enough to see it in 3D.

Secondly, the acting was very good. Even though it was just another bunch of pretty young adults, this time on a work trip rather than a school vacation, there were a couple of characters to care about and others not so much.

The pacing, which was very fast throughout, didn't allow much time to flesh out any of the characters, but everyone did a damn fine job with what was there. Nobody "phoned it in" when they really could have. I didn't warm to any of the female characters particularly, but I'm sure that I wasn't even supposed to. The fun of all these movies apart from the original is watching people who you can't stand meet their maker.

One actor stood out enough for me to have to look him up but not because of his acting prowess. Miles Fisher looked just like Tom Cruise in some shots which, now that I have further information on him from the IMDb, should only to be expected since impersonating Tom Cruise is his claim to fame. Yes, I am getting out of touch with these young actors, but I doubt that I'll see them in anything else ever again anyway. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I just don't have any interest in the TV shows that they are in.

Going back to the effects, some were too fast to be completely satisfying especially at the otherwise fantastic start, and others could have been a lot gorier for my own tastes, but I don't think the average horror audience would be disappointed. Most of the deaths were incredibly inventive though the use of suspense wasn't quite as good as in the first film.

I've intentionally mentioned the original "Final Destination" a couple of times because, of course, there's a slight twist in this "sequel" in that it's actually a prequel. I didn't even notice until right at the end when it was all tied together.

There's no way of watching "Final Destination 5" without comparing it to "Final Destination" because, apart from the nature of the deaths themselves, it's the same story all over again. If you haven't seen any others in the series then the beauty of this one is that you really don't ever need to, but it certainly made me want to revisit them all.

I highly recommend that you all watch "Final Destination 5" because it has considerably made up for "The Final Destination" (2009) which was pretty much hated by everyone.

RIP Amy Winehouse

I was never a fan of her music but she was a pretty girl once and she loved cats.

The Top Ten Most Evil Cat Deaths

Ten reasons why I will never watch any of these horror movies again or ten reasons why, if you are also a cat lover, you should boycott them entirely.


1. Re-Animator (1985)

Poor Rufus. Not only does he get killed in suspicious circumstances but he's then brought back to life only to get killed again, have his back broken, and then get brought back to life again. Sick stuff.


2. The Collector (2009)

Glued to the floor by acid and then guillotined by a window after being thrown to safety. Absolutely horrible and unnecessary.


3. Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)

The only good thing you can say about Sugar's death is that it's mercifully quick. There is still absolutely no reason why Eddie Murphy's character should shoot him and the way he explodes in mid-air is not at all funny.


4. The New Daughter (2009)

Marmalade doesn't get much chance to enjoy his new home before the evil Mound-Walkers get him. It's purely gratuitous as they have nothing to gain from his death.


5. Inhabited (2003)

Pre-dating "The New Daughter" but sharing a similar plot, another ginger cat, this time named Simon, gets lured into a nasty death at the hands of "The Huldre", an ancient race of faerie-like beings who live under a family home.


6. Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Zeke puts up a hell of a fight against the monstrous spiders and, obviously, the cartoonish cat imprints in the plaster and screams of battle are all special effects, but this is still awful to watch.


7. Man's Best Friend (1993)

A disgusting genetically-mutated Rottweiler called Max eats this poor cat whole. It's a completely ridiculous moment and spoils any sympathy that you might have for the dog.


8. Bloody Mallory (2002)

Mallory runs this innocent black cat over just in case it's a demon in disguise. Yes, unfortunately, cats do tend to get themselves accidentally run over by cars but to show someone actually doing this on purpose is completely thoughtless.


9. Drag Me to Hell (2009)

The ill-fated Kitty's murder occurs off-camera but you do see the aftermath and she makes an horrific reappearance later. If you had any sympathy for banker Christine Brown before, you certainly won't have afterwards.


10. Inferno (1980)

This bag full of cats gets drowned in the river. On the bright side, their evil killer gets eaten by rats soon afterwards. "Inferno" is an awful Dario Argento movie which hardly anyone likes or wants to watch anyway.


Dishonourable mentions also go to Church from "Pet Sematary" (1989) who becomes the star of the film after being brought back from the dead severely wrong, Dandelo from the original version of "The Fly" (1958) who gets turned into a stream of cat atoms by the teleporter but still exists, and, of course, the deaths of all the black cats named Pluto in any of "The Black Cat" adaptations.

Let's hope that there are no more horror movies featuring such cruelty to cats. We get the point and this is quite enough, thank you.

Yes, it may only be fiction, but there are some very sick people who get off on stuff like this, and animal rescues/shelters are full of animals who have been mistreated.

If you have nothing better to do today, why not go to your local shelter (especially as they are little more than cunningly disguised animal control centres in the USA) and save a life? They may be overcrowded with kittens right now, but please adopt an older cat instead.

Remember also that a cat is for life and is not a toy to take home as a whim.

NEVER, ever, declaw! It's maiming by another name and it's beyond cruel. If you care more about your cheap crappy furniture than you do your cat then you simply shouldn't have a cat in the first place.

Death at Deadpit.com

It's been a long time since I had anything to do with the guys who run the Deadpit podcast, as I left their message board amidst a load of stupid arguing and internet drama way back in early 2008. Three years on, we're all a bit older (and some of us are wiser) and, for one of the few times in the five year history of their online "radio" show, I have to agree with a few things that were said by Wes Vance (aka "The Creepy Kentuckian").

On June 3rd, Deadpit created a tribute show to one of their fallen "brothers" named "Don Muggins". I never knew him as he joined their message board about a year after I ceased to post there and, since I'm not overly keen on going to horror conventions anymore, our paths never crossed. Maybe you knew him if you move in those circles but I didn't so it's not really my place to comment on his tragic death other than to say that the death of anyone is obviously pretty devastating for everyone left behind. I can imagine what his family and close friends are going through right now.

What actually stood out for me was one of Wes Vance's introductory comments which I've done my best to transcribe for you below.

"But, uh yeah, I mean it sort of puts in perspective, you know, like a lot of things, I mean we've had feuds with some people online and stuff like that and, you know, a couple of occasions, I still think that we were right on the money but, I mean, you know at the end of the day it's stupid, you should really like... it's people like that you should be... I guess you should really be cordial online and don't try to do the internet drama aspect of the thing."

Okay, so it's not the most eloquent statement when typed out rather than listened to, but on a couple of occasions in the last six months, Wes has let a few rather mature emotional responses out rather than just bullshitting around (as he has done in far too many Deadpit podcasts and YouTube videos).

I'll be blunt about this, I'm not a fan of Deadpit. Some of their shows were really good when they first started and still, whenever they do a celebrity interview, it's always worth a listen, but the community of geeky fans which they have acquired has really left a lot to be desired, and most of them have damaged the integrity of their show, forums and everything else in what they refer to as the "Deadpit Universe". Only 40 or so people still post anything on their message board, and there isn't a single one of them now who I would even have the patience to respond to. All the big names who used to post there have moved on to other more interesting things, and it's completely understandable.

I'm not going to be hypocritical enough to say that I didn't thoroughly enjoy trolling their ProBoards forum from time to time just to stir things up, although I'm far from being the Nemesis that they were hoping for. Most of the time I thought I was just being hilariously funny, but as I've sometimes discovered in real life too, my particular brand of British humour doesn't translate too well overseas. As both Deadpit hosts have learned, their own mouths have been their undoing on several occasions where they've almost been sued, and they've alienated a lot more people over the years than they should have still listening to their show. But, hey, it's their podcast so they can do what they want, and I'm sure somebody will still listen to it.

Some of the changes they've made have improved the show including getting rid of all the self-promoters who abused the call-in portion, and, in this latest show, Wes revealed that they've finally had enough of all the pointless home-made horror movies which far too many people have been attempting to find distribution for.

I haven't listened to Deadpit for ages. In fact, there was one year where the content was so lousy and non-horror movie related that I was just waiting for them to give up entirely. I even awarded them the title of the "Worst Horror Podcast of 2009" as a result.

The addition of Aaron Frye's fiancée, "Jessco", reading the mailbag section is a new mistake due to her inexperience and obvious lack of horror movie knowledge, but at least, they've started to get back into discussing horror again. I think this was the first show that I've listened to this year, and it comes before a rare hiatus for them which is apparently due to the dearth of new movies of any kind worth talking about.

Anyway, since we are all in the same boat with a lack of anything much to talk about until the "Fright Night" remake, I thought Deadpit was something worth mentioning on my blog. I suppose it's only fair since I was once on their "Horror Roundtable" (where, frustratingly, none of the others seemed to know the difference between a cliché and a trope) and I still get the occasional mention on their forum (although never in a good way).

I'm never going to be friends with those guys again because, from my side of all the internet drama and feuding, I felt completely backstabbed by them on far too many occasions to ever want to associate with them in future with anything more than a casual nod to their existence. I don't wish them any ill will either because the bottom line is that we are all human, all horror fans, and all just getting on with what we enjoy most. All the internet dramas and feuds are, as Wes said, really put into perspective when someone dies.

Life is short and for some people, such as Don Muggins (not his real name), it's far too short. We've all been through various tragedies and upheavals in our lives, but I think, because of the nature of the internet, we often forget that there are other people on the other side of the screen. Sometimes it's worth just stopping for a moment to remember that all the horror fans and the celebrities are mortal too.

Saw 3D (2010)

"As a deadly battle rages over Jigsaw's brutal legacy, a group of Jigsaw survivors gathers to seek the support of self-help guru and fellow survivor Bobby Dagen, a man whose own dark secrets unleash a new wave of terror."

"Saw 3D" is here at last. After six years of grumbling and complaining about each instalment in the series, it's finally over. Of course, there is every possibility that this might not really be the end but it damn well should be after all the publicity confirming it.

I've never really liked the "Saw" movies and have actually refused to review parts III to V ever because I just couldn't get into them and they bored me rigid. Last year's "Saw VI" was a lot better and, fool that I am, I was really hoping for more of the same from "Saw 3D". I haven't seen that many 3D movies in my life so, even though I know that it's just a superfluous gimmick most of the time, I was also hoping to see something amazing featuring this new technology too. The bottom line is that I went into "Saw 3D" with as much of an open mind as possible and was fully prepared to be entertained.

The 3D thing is what I'm sure will divide most people whether horror fans or not. While it's technically good in "Saw 3D", it doesn't really add much to the film at all but at least it doesn't hinder things in a forced "look at me, I'm a clever piece of 3D" kind of way except with some of the more explosive traps. Love it or hate it, it's there and there's nothing you can do about it. There's a lot more going on in "Saw 3D" anyway.

I didn't count them but it seems that there are more traps used in "Saw 3D" than ever before and they are all as particularly brutal as the ones used previously. Possibly one of the problems is that I've got so used to these traps over the years that all I want to see is their victim's fail to get out of them and get horribly mutilated. If that's all you really want to see too when you go into a "Saw" movie then you can consider your wish granted. The gore is most certainly here even if the traps are a little bit dull and unimaginative. Maybe it's just me but, at times, the effects looked a bit too obviously fake. Short of actually killing somebody for real in one of these films, that's only to be expected.

The plot itself is the film's biggest weakness. Everything feels very uneven throughout and it just screams of being rushed at the end. Some people love the chaotic editing but I find it very unsatisfying and I've felt that way about every "Saw" sequel anyway. Although "Saw 3D" tries to wrap up as many loose ends as possible, there are still some massive questions left unanswered.

Yes, we do finally see what happened to Dr Gordon (Cary Elwes) as was publicised back in April this year but he doesn't get that much time on screen. Tobin Bell has even less time but, since John Kramer died four films ago, it's Costas Mandylor who is now the real star of the show anyway. If you are a big Hoffman fan then you will most certainly not be disappointed. He's even more menacing and badass than in "Saw VI". In fact, Hoffman was the only character I felt any sympathy for and I was on his side all the way through. In some ways, he's become like a thinking man's Freddy Krueger but without any of the humour or iconic appeal.

The acting is, for the most part, average. Some of the performances are a bit weak and inconsistent but I think everyone did the best they could. Sean Patrick Flannery should stick to "The Boondock Saints" but was acceptable as Bobby Dagen even though I didn't care about him one way or another. Some pretty weak dialogue is obviously the fault of the script rather than the delivery of the lines although there are at least two actors in this who stand out in a very bad way.

Overall, I was disappointed. I didn't expect "Saw 3D" to be the best horror film ever made especially since it's the seventh film in the series but I was expecting it to really go out with a much bigger bang. If you want to be overly cynical, you could just put it all down to bad writing in the first place since everyone knew it was a mistake to kill Jigsaw off in "Saw III" and nobody has known what to do about it ever since.

Well, that's my review of "Saw 3D" and I've tried to keep it as spoiler free as possible. No matter what I write though, this is the only horror film worth watching theatrically for Hallowe'en and those who have made it an annual pilgrimage for the last 7 years are still going to see it anyway. More discerning horror fans will probably wait for the DVD.