Haunter (2013)

"The ghost of a teenager who died years ago reaches out to the land of the living in order to save someone from suffering her same fate."

Remember Vincenzo Natali the director of "Cube" (1997) and "Splice" (2009)? Well, he's back with a supernatural mystery which is available via VOD just in time for Hallowe'en. Don't get too excited, though, because "Haunter" tries to be more cerebral than scary and fails at being either.

The biggest problem is that "Haunter" is another typically Canadian remix of over half a dozen already extremely well known movies and at least two recent TV shows.

The first things I thought of when I started watching it were "Groundhog Day" (1993), "The Lovely Bones" (2009), "Voices" (1973), and "Lady in White" (1988), but there are also some quite blatant borrowings from "The Others" (2001), "Marchlands", and "American Horror Story". Throw in a few tiny homages to "The Collector" (1965), "The Matrix" (1999), and even "Dark Skies" (2013), and you have your movie.

If the wind changes, you'll stay like that. Oh wait...

As "Haunter" is essentially a ghost story, there are bound to be some formulaic similarities to previous ghost stories, but that's still no excuse for all the cloning. It's laziness for the most part, although it's dangerously close to plagiarism in others. I've only read parts of "The Lovely Bones" novel and have never seen Peter Jackson's movie adaptation, but if I can see the resemblances, I'm sure Alice Sebold will!

I'm not saying that "Haunter" isn't fairly enjoyable or well made. The cinematography borders on beautiful, and atmospherically, it's not a million miles away from Spanish thrillers such as "The Orphanage" (2007) or several of the more "girlie" Asian horrors. The acting is competent too, apart from Abigail Breslin who only has one big-eyed expression and is prone to sighing, gasping, and breathing heavily to compensate. Consequently, there are more close-ups than are strictly necessary, but that's a minor niggle.

The three time periods of 1985, the present day, and the late 1950s look the part as far as I can tell. As somebody who has no idea what Ontario looked like in the main 1985 time zone, I assume that kids were into much the same things as I was, but I'm a bit dubious about the Atari games console or Siousxie and the Banshees still being popular in the mid-80s rather than 3 or 4 years before. I've always imagined Canada as being a few years behind everyone else, so maybe it's spot on. My Canadian readers will have to let me know.

Overall, "Haunter" is a decent but very predictable PG-13 ghost story with no scares, no swearing or nudity, and very little violence. It's an upgrade for teenage fans of "Goosebumps" or "Are You Afraid of the Dark", but it's far too kiddified if you're an adult. I'll give it an extra point because it held my interest to the end.

This poster sucks! Why is she in a jar? Why?

American Horror Story: Coven

"A young girl, Zoe, is shattered to discover she possesses a strange genetic affliction tracing back to the dark days of Salem. Zoe is whisked away to Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, a mysterious school in New Orleans devoted to safeguarding the few remaining descendants who share this unique bloodline. Harboring a secret agenda, Fiona Goode, the most powerful witch of their generation, returns to town, reigniting old rivalries with the Coven's deadly enemies, the Voodoo."

"American Horror Story" is back with a third season! Meh. To be honest, I've been so caught up in horror movie reviews that I'd forgotten it even existed. I rarely watch television anyway if I can possibly help it.

Although I didn't like the second season as much as the first, and I didn't know they'd made another one until it suddenly appeared last night, I felt duty bound to at least watch the first episode and ogle Sarah Paulson. I'll not be watching any more until I can buy the whole thing on DVD because I loathe commercial breaks with every fibre of my being.

If "Coven" isn't enough of a clue for you, the oh-so-witty title of the first episode—"Bitchcraft"—reveals that this season is all about witches. Think of it as "The Craft" meets "Harry Potter" meets "Suspiria" meets "The Skeleton Key" with lots more pop-culture witchcraft references thrown in for nerds on message boards to feel clever about spotting. As it's set in New Orleans, it's probably also going to have a ton of Anne Rice stuff in it which I'm never likely to notice.

The biggest news is that Kathy Bates has joined the ensemble cast as the notorious serial killer Delphine LaLaurie, who is so "notorious" that I had to use Google to find out who she was. Call me ignorant if you like, but I don't know anything about famous American witches other than the place name of the Salem witch trials, and I could count the serial killers I've heard of on the fingers of one hand. Neither is really my thing. Aside from what I've learned from movies, I have about as much interest in witches, serial killers, or American history as I have in sticking an unpeeled orange up my arse.

As far as I can tell from one episode and the trailers, "Coven" looks like it's going to be a taco fiesta, In other words, it's severely lacking in any male characters who aren't disposable. Evan Peters turned up just to be killed off (thank you!), but with the knowledge that Lily Rabe's character can resurrect the dead (even though she was killed off too!), he's bound to return. Be prepared to see your Twitter feed explode with angry trending Tweets from Evan Peters' tweenage fangirls if he doesn't!

Obviously, my least favourite horror clique in the world are already stomping their little feet with glee and squealing about "Girl Power", and that's more than enough to put most horror fans off "Coven". But let them have their moment away from making sandwiches because you can guarantee that very bad things are going to happen to the witches in this show. One of them (played by Emma Roberts) has already been gang-raped by frat boys, another burnt at the stake, and I can easily predict the poetic justice that will end Jessica Lange's career as a "Supreme" witch. I'm thinking it will be the same as the end of Hammer's "She" (1965) but with better effects.

For those who stay with it, "Coven" promises to be another mixture of unpolitically correct dialogue and MA-14 situations which push the limits of what the TV censors normally allow. Based on previous seasons, I highly doubt that there will be any taboo subject which is too distasteful for them to cover, especially as the return of the Down Syndrome girl from the first season and the morbidly obese star of "Precious" (2009) complete this Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk freakshow. Hopefully, there'll actually be some horror in it this time too!

"American Horror Story: Coven" will air every Wednesday on FX at 10pm. Check out the official website for further details.

American Horror Story: Asylum - Final Thoughts

Well, that's it then. The second season of "American Horror Story" ended last night with more of a fizzle than a bang, but it had a few ups and downs along the way.

The story wasn't really as good as the first season except that this time the horror level was increased to way beyond what anyone expected. Severed limbs and blood abounded amidst all the confusion of tortured nutters, space aliens, mutated genetic experiments, demonic possessions, and more than a little bit of perverted sexiness.

As before, Jessica Lange stole the show by adding so many layers to Sister Jude that she made Constance look flat in comparison. I'm sure she'll get another Golden Globe or Emmy nomination even if she doesn't win this time. With everybody acting their hearts out, the entire cast of "American Horror Story: Asylum" deserves an award.

I absolutely loved Sarah Paulson as Lana Winters who proved herself to be not only one of the most beautiful but also one of the best actresses on TV. Even when dressed to look her dowdiest and dirtiest, she was still hot enough to drive the chills from my freezing cold living room. At the end of the day, this was all Lana's story with everything else as little more than padding.

Smoking hot!

Another standout for me was, of course, Lily Rabe as Sister Mary Eunice who looked a lot better as a nun than she did as Nora in the first season. The red lipstick scene and seduction of Monsignor Timothy (Joseph Fiennes) were two of her most memorable moments. She even outshone Chloë Sevigny (aka the girl from "The Brown Bunny") who provided the most pathos.

It's impossible to fault any of the acting except maybe a couple of slipped Boston accents from Evan Peters and Jessica Lange which were oddly jarring even to British ears. They seemed to improve as the series went on but remained forced nonetheless.

The only big problems with this season were that too much was crammed in and there were several places where the story either dragged or went into areas that didn't particularly interest me (or anyone else according to various message boards). The stuff with Frances Conroy as the angel of death was mostly superfluous, the demonic possession of Sister Mary Eunice went nowhere, and the whole alien abduction thing also tried really hard to ruin everything. Against my better judgement, I kind of enjoyed the musical interlude with "The Name Game" song, but it was also still ridiculous.

Overall, I liked the series, especially as it was far more entertaining than any of last year's horror movies (or any other movies for that matter), but it's not something which I would ever buy on DVD. Episodic television has its place in my viewing schedule but not in my collection.

For those of you who haven't already recorded, downloaded or pirated your own copies, "American Horror Story: Asylum" will be released on Blu-ray and DVD on September 24th, 2013 so you can enjoy the madness all over again.

American Horror Story: Asylum

"Welcome to Briarcliff Manor, a notorious insane asylum home to the deranged serial killer, Bloody Face. Lurking in the shadows of this sanctuary of healing are terrifying evils that blur the boundaries between reality..."

In case you missed the TV event of the year, "American Horror Story" returned to the FX channel last night with a completely different story and characters to the first season. This time it's all about a Catholic mental asylum in 1964, alien abductions, and crazy experiments. Alas, there are no more Harmons, Langdons or hot maids, but just another confusing mess to start working out over the coming weeks.

I didn't find the first episode to be so instantly engaging or even half as interesting as before although, with a lot of new cast members, it's too early to tell how this will go.

While I'm pleased to see Sarah Paulson in a bigger part which promises some sapphic sauciness, I'm sure all the fangirls are now ecstatic that Evan Peters is also back in a new role. He's playing a killer who can't remember anything so no big change there.

Of course, the big draw, since she's won a few TV awards, is the return of Jessica Lange. Now she's a nun with an agenda which will surely become more obvious as the story continues.

With its distinct lack of supernatural elements, I doubt that I'll watch "American Horror Story" every week this time. I'm not into space aliens or nutters, and I already have a bad feeling that it's going to become a generic slasher at the end.

American Horror Story

"American Horror Story" premiered last night on FX, and so I'm interrupting my scheduled blogging to give you my thoughts on the first episode.

Basically, I thought it was good. It's going to take a while to really pick up, but it's already got a "Twin Peaks" feel to it for me. I can see it lasting for at least one season and possibly even two. The haters are already saying that it won't last for five episodes before it gets axed. but we shall see.

The pace was very fast. The biggest flaw to this "pilot" episode was that it tried to pack too much and too many characters in at once, but I'm sure that it will even out over time. Obviously, the intention was to appeal to the largest audience as quickly as possible so there were definitely a lot of clichéd ghost story formulas including a recognisably Amityville-style curse and some noticeable borrowing from "The Shining".

Of course, it was derivative as hell, the special effects were very much TV quality, and the dialogue reeked of "Nip/Tuck" due to who the creators are, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. The sets and make-up were outstanding so it certainly looked the part.

The story itself was a bit messy, not all that scary or horrific either, but I can see all that changing as the characters start getting more fleshed out and it becomes possible to care about them. I'm not sure if I will care much about all the relationship problems which are going to keep cropping up (especially with the teenage daughter who seemed to be little more than a female version of Matt McNamara), but the acting and characterisation is likely to carry this along just like "Nip/Tuck". We all know how that series had some of the most preposterous storylines ever.

Although I wish that I could now unsee Dylan McDermott cranking (and I think I've seen enough of his bare buttocks for a lifetime too), I'm certainly going to keep tuning in each week for Moira the sexy housekeeper. It goes without saying that I prefer the younger model played by Alexandra Breckenridge (above). It's a neat twist that everyone else apart from Ben (Dylan McDermott) sees her as the scarier-looking Frances Conroy.

One thing I picked up on, but many people wouldn't have noticed, was that the psycho teenager played by Evan Peters (from the much lamented "Invasion") was introduced with "Georgie's Theme" from "Twisted Nerve" (1968). Some people might recognise the whistling from "Kill Bill" as it was used there too, but the intended "pop-culture reference" wasn't wasted on me.

It was also nice to see Jessica Lange in something again. I last saw her in "Hush" (1998) which wasn't a good film and, unfortunately, she seemed to be playing much the same pushy, Southern role here. I just hope that her kleptomaniac character becomes far more deliciously evil as there were huge hints that she will.

The biggest name in this appears to be Connie Britton, but I've never seen her in anything other than the very disappointing "Nightmare on Elm Street" remake so I'm not sure what all the fuss is about with her yet. She's acting a good part (albeit channelling Joely Richardson's delivery without the bulging-eyed, gasping face), but I'm not liking her "eco-friendly" character too much especially as it has already been revealed that she's got a very kinky sex-life going on with her gimped-up husband which is far more interesting.

Anyway, if you missed both showings of "American Horror Story" last night, don't worry because I'm sure FX will repeat this episode again next week before the new one.

You can also check out the Facebook page and official website for more details.