Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

"The next installment in the blockbuster franchise, UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS follows Vampire death dealer, Selene (Kate Beckinsale) as she fends off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her. With her only allies, David (Theo James) and his father Thomas (Charles Dance), she must stop the eternal war between Lycans and Vampires, even if it means she has to make the ultimate sacrifice."

Considering that I've already bitched and whined as much as is humanly possible about how disappointing this entire series of "black and blue films" is overall, all I'm really doing by reviewing "Blood Wars" is repeating what I said about "Underworld: Awakening" four years ago but with a few extra names dropped in. Sadly, I've watched these movies get worse with every sequel (or prequel), and I'd almost forgotten what happened in the last one until I read my own review.

Suffice it to say that with a running time of just over an hour and 20 minutes (including 4 minutes of recaps at the start and several more minutes of flashbacks scattered throughout), there isn't a lot of anything new here. It's already obvious that it's not going to be the last of the "Underworld" series, but it's easily the weakest so far and reeks of being another half-arsed filler. "Underworld" really should have been a TV series after the first theatrical release if this is the way they are going to play it.

Obviously, Kate Beckinsale looks fantastic again. Also of note is Lara Pulver as Semira. She looks like a more perfect version of a young Sigourney Weaver from certain angles, but occasionally she has the air of Eva Green about her too.

It's almost the same deal with Theo James who reminds me of a younger Julian McMahon, Bradley James who looks like Mads Mikkelsen playing Le Chiffre in "Casino Royale", and James Faulkner who resembles Albert Finney way too much. Maybe the casting director thought they were trying to make a lookalike compendium of the latest James Bond films because that's what they've ended up with, give or take a few werewolves and vampires.

Whatever the case, the plot is weak, characters aren't given enough time to develop, and every slow scene seems to be designed as a hindrance rather than an attempt to progress the story. Consequently, if you only see the last 5 minutes, it will be enough to prepare you for the next installment, because the padded action sequences are nothing memorable either. A couple of important characters are completely wasted, but I'll say no more than that. Maybe it's an intentional contempt for the audience, or maybe it's just inept filmmaking, I'll let you decide for yourself.

Although the choreography improves later on, the majority of the action scenes are little more than a bunch of extras who no one cares about getting confusingly slaughtered in the background to the even more confusing duels between the main protagonists. There's never any sense of threat or danger involved due to none of the characters having enough screen time for you to get to know much about them.

The be all and end all of this "Underworld" movie is that it seems to only exist for completists and fans who will buy it anyway. If you haven't seen any of the others, you won't know what to make of it, who anyone is, or why anything is happening, and even with prior knowledge, "Underworld: Blood Wars" will still be very disappointing.

Already showing in Europe since the start of December, American audiences will have to wait until January for the theatrical release. For those who are wise to these things, the fact that it's a "January movie" says it all.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

"When her mother disappears, Clary Fray learns that she descends from a line of warriors who protect our world from demons. She joins forces with others like her and heads into a dangerous alternate New York called Downworld."

Based on the YA fantasy-horror novel by alleged plagiarist Cassandra Clare, "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" is yet another wannabe "Twilight" replacement which has turned out to be a huge flop at the box office. I can't say that I'm surprised.

Since I'm not a reader or a "young adult", I've never heard of the series of books which this movie is based on before. I also have no idea if the allegations of plagiarism against the author are true or due to "cloning" and homaging, but either way, "The Mortal Instruments" appears to be little more than a bland conflation of "Night Watch" (2004), "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Percy Jackson and the Olympians", the "Prophecy" series, and a plethora of clichéd offerings from the "demon-hunting" subgenre. Ironically, given that "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" is produced by Constantin Films, there's a very slight feeling of "Constantine" (2005) about this too. Unfortunately, that's where the good stuff ends.

"The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" is overlong at 130 minutes, and pacing problems don't help to alleviate the boredom between brief and confusing action scenes. Harald Zwart's previous effort, "The Karate Kid" remake, also suffered from the same issues, but it's probably not entirely his fault this time. I imagine that producer and author interference influenced things quite badly; conflation of characters, casting choices, accent changes, rewrites, and the desire for a PG-13 rating to get more asses on seats were all contributing factors.

Thus, "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" is a visually pleasing big-budget production, but if you think that "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy is bad news for your bladder, this movie will literally, figuratively and actually bore the piss out of you too. I lost track of the number of toilet breaks I needed, but I think it was over half a dozen. The two cans of Rockstar which were necessary to keep myself awake took their toll, but at least I didn't wet myself like I did during "The Golden Compass" (2007), and I didn't miss anything important either.

Clary and creepy Jace share a mundane moment.

The cast of pretty "teenagers" do okay in their roles although Jamie Campbell Bower (who has been in the finales of the Harry Potter series, and played Caius in "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn") is quite creepy-looking as Jace. Not looks-wise but accent-wise, he's very Paul Bettany, which brings up another irony since the star of the show, Lily Collins, was also in "Priest" (2011).

As she's not really a teenager, there's no problem with complimenting Lily Collins for being hot as Clary. Hell, even if she was sixteen instead of twenty-three, Phil Collins' daughter would still be pretty, and there's nothing wrong with saying so. She's slightly upstaged in the sexiness department by Jemima West as Isabelle, but she uses her huge eyebrows and nearly always open mouth to good effect. The "teeth and eyes" acting-style strikes again, albeit slightly less so than in typical teen soap operas. I also have to mention here that there's nothing more confusing than older actresses playing younger "jailbait" characters, so be prepared to feel as grubby as I did for ogling them. Or not, as the case may be.

Apart from Robert Sheehan as scrawny Simon gratuitously taking his shirt off, there's nothing for girls to see here unless they like their Jacob substitutes to be less ripped. Needless to say, his underdeveloped bare-chestedness did absolutely nothing for me, and I didn't like his character.

Kevin Zegers (recently in "The Colony") is very underused as Alec, yet he's got nothing to be ashamed of. Being unconscious on a bed for half the movie covers a multitude of sins. MILF-tastic Lena Headey is wasted even more since she disappears very early on in the story, and several other underwritten characters also suffer from clearly being reduced to bit parts for their respective actors. "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" truly equals "The Twilight Saga" in trying to pack too much in and rushing through the characters, and that's its downfall.

The problem with any of these "Young Adult novel" adaptations is not only that "Young Adult" is a curiously self-contradictory term and genre which pleases nobody—least of all its target audience—but that characterisation is never a strong point. It's hard to care about characters just because they are pretty, especially if there's none of the fleshing out which presumably occurs in the original literary medium. Having never read a "YA" novel in my life, I can't honestly say if the authors of these papery abominations make more of their "Mary Sues", and I'm not prepared to infantilise myself to find out. Just judging them by their movie adaptations, everything from "Harry Potter" and "Twilight" through to "Beautiful Creatures", "His Dark Materials", "Camp Half-Blood" and "The Hunger Games" must be some very low-brow reading material in the first place. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Sexy Isabelle has a big pair of swords.

As an aside, I don't care how much flak I get for it, but the unrequited gay love triangle which I assume to be one of the selling points of "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" is very bizarre and completely out of place in a movie (or book) meant for little kids. Most of the target audience simply wouldn't understand it except as an insult, or they might not notice its insidiousness at all, but others are surely going to say, "What?"—and therein lies a problem. For me, the trendy, politically correct acceptance of homosexuality shown here as something completely normal rather than applicable to a minority is about as realistic and subtle as decorating half the cast with tribal "magical sigil" tattoos. It's controversial propaganda aimed at an age group which shouldn't even have a sex life, and it's not done in way that provides any explanation for differences from the norm. Briefly mentioned as it is, the Achilles-Patroclus thing comes across as contrived as an episode of "Torchwood", especially as there's another more traditional, heterosexual, and "age appropriate" love triangle going on. If you really want children to see gay romance in a movie, you should let them watch dramas such as "Another Country", "My Beautiful Laundrette" or "Brokeback Mountain", not a kiddified action-adventure/supernatural-fantasy. No? Maybe it's they're R-rated! It's not worth pressing the point however, because there's no sexual tension or chemistry between anybody in this movie. It's all very tame.

With the MacGuffin-laden plot taking a back seat to the equally superficial teen romance, "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" reeks of blandness throughout. Rather than losing focus, it never has any to begin with, and it has no vitality, inertia, momentum or any other words which you can pull out of a thesaurus to describe its lack of "oomph". Maybe if the producers had gone for an R-rating instead of a PG-13, some realistic violence, goriness and horror could have spiced things up considerably more than the borderline adult dialogue and situations, but I highly doubt it. The bad guys are so underplayed that there's never any real threat to the safety of the main characters, and as I already said, it's impossible to care about any of them anyway.

"The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" is insipid, often tedious, and confusing with it, so I don't recommend it at all.

4 Films Horror Collector's Set: 4

This is the last of the "4 Films Horror Collector's Sets" which I own a copy of. Only one more set followed although Echo Bridge Home Entertainment changed one movie on it (just as they've done before) to make two versions. I'll post something about it next time even though I didn't buy it.

I was haunted by this movie collection in nearly every store that I went in from T.J. Maxx through to K-mart until I finally gave-in just to get "The Howling IV". It isn't that "The Howling IV" is a great movie or anything, but it was one of the titles that I'd left in Big Lots back when they had lots of horror movies for $3 each, and I stupidly still wanted it.

Suffice it to say that I really didn't have a lot of interest in anything else here or in any more Echo Bridge Home Entertainment multipacks which followed. I've bought several of their Miramax and Full Moon collections since but only two more of "The Midnight Horror Collection" packs (one of which I still haven't even opened).

Thus, because I don't particularly like these movies, I'm now going to rush through these capsule reviews just to get them out of the way.


Raging Sharks (2003)

"When the crew of an underwater lab discovers an unearthly sunken object that's mysteriously attracting hundreds of sharks, they become a security risk... and a target."

I've been told that this is a really bad movie, but I'll never know because I switched it off soon after the Nu Image and Tosca Films logos were replaced by a giant spaceship crashing into another one above a red planet. Ugh! Then I did my usual trick of fast-forwarding to see if there was any nudity or anything else interesting. Apart from lots of stock footage of sharks, I didn't see anything worth stopping for.

"Raging Sharks" is a Sci-Fi channel movie from the days when they still at least attempted to put vaguely science-fiction movies on instead of wrestling or "Ghost Hunters". Unfortunately, it was years before this point that all their movies sucked anyway.

It's got Corbin Bernsen in it and nobody else that I've ever heard of. They all look very worried, wave their hands about, and fire guns at something, then the credits roll featuring lots of Bulgarian names.

My life isn't long enough to watch crap like this.


Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

"Thirty years ago, Ray Reiter witnessed the brutal death of his parents at sea by a strange, octopus-like creature. Now determined to avenge the murders, he joins a perilous high-seas expedition that brings him face to face with the killer Kraken—guardian of the coveted Greek Opal—and a ruthless crime lord who wants the treasure for himself."

Another horrible Sci-Fi channel movie made by Nu Image which shouldn't be in a horror pack. This is an adventure movie for little kids who like CGI monsters.

Too much talk, not enough action, but the pretty (mostly Canadian) actors and actresses do a fairly decent job in spite of the script.

Again, I watched this mostly on fast-forward, but I saw cleavage a few times and had to find out who owned it.


Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988)

"At the direction of her doctor, Marie and her husband plan a restful getaway to the picturesque town of Drago. Marie knows that something sinister is going down in the town, but what she doesn't know is that it has razor sharp claws, an insatiable lust for blood, and it kills by the cold light of a full moon..."

A lot of people hate this movie for being little more than a low-budget remake of "The Howling" (1981), but it's actually closer to Gary Brandner's novel than the original. It doesn't have Dee Wallace in it either which is another point in its favour as far as my viewing pleasure is concerned.

"Howling IV" is slow to the point of frustration, the audio sounds redubbed like a foreign movie, the werewolf transformation scenes near the end obviously aren't as good as Rick Baker's, and, basically, it's all because the financial backers pulled out a couple of days into shooting. You therefore have to commend everyone involved for still making a watchable movie even though it isn't a particularly good one. Or not, as the case may be.

I appreciate this film because it's serious in tone rather than continuing the silliness of "The Howling III: The Marsupials" (1987) which I loathe with a passion. It's easily the best of the "Howling" sequels, but I don't overrate it and would never recommend it as a full price purchase.


Night Shadow (1989)

"Alex, an up-and-coming TV journalist, returns to her hometown of Danford as local poilice attempt to cope with a series of brutal murders. The small town plunges into a state of panic and the murders—clearly the work of a monster, more beast than man—continue... until Alex comes face to face withe evil itself."

I reviewed "Night Shadow" back when it was shown on Zone Horror in the UK. I barely made it through once so I'm certainly not going to torture myself with it again.

I really didn't like it, but the director (or someone claiming to be the director) said that I made some fair points. Unfortunately, I deleted that comment along with everyone else's when I added the Disqus widget. Never mind.


Amazon no longer sells this pack although Wal-mart and many other online retailers still do. I think they refer to it as "Horror Collector's Set Vol. 6" even though it's really number 8 or 9 in the series.

I don't understand why anybody would want these 4 movies in the first place, but the easiest (and cheapest) way to get them is by buying "The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Pack Vol. 4" (left) instead.

I haven't bought this volume so I can't tell you a thing about the 4 vampire movies which it also contains. The first "Subspecies" might be good through the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, but I watched all the "Subspecies" movies so long ago that I can barely remember anything about them now.

Tomorrow (or the day after), I'll post a quick recap of the Echo Bridge Home Entertainment packs so far followed by a comparison of the new packs to the old ones to make things easier for collectors.

The Midnight Horror Collection: 8 Movie Pack (Vol. 1)

Although a lot of these movies have been published before in other Echo Bridge Home Entertainment packs, I believe that this was the first of their "Midnight Horror" collections. I bought it for the full $5 price from Wal-mart just to have a DVD copy of "Meridian" (known in the UK as "Phantoms"). Getting "Below" and several lesser known Full Moon movies was simply a bonus.

The thing is that even though I've had the pack for almost two years, I hadn't watched any of the newer Full Moon movies or other low-budget nasties until today.

Overall, I had a good time watching it. While not every movie in the pack is good, it's definitely worth the money.


Prom Night (1980)

"Four seniors, who all share the same terrible secret, are stalked by a vengeful axe-wielding killer on Prom Night."

You all know this one so I'm not going to re-review it.

The ratio is the old fullscreen 4:3 format, and it's a bit dark, but "Prom Night" isn't a bad movie. I've never really raved about it though and used to think it was boring. It's all about the nostalgia for some people.


Below (2002)

"A submarine picks up three survivors of a U-boat attack but these visitors seem to spark a series of chilling, otherworldly occurrences."

I've reviewed "Below" already too, and it's an okay movie. I liked it more when I first saw it on TV and didn't notice some of its more glaringly lower-budget qualities until I watched it again.

At the end of the day, it's just another Miramax/Dimension Films horror with a fairly decent cast and production values.


I Am Omega (2007)

"The lone survivor of a deadly plague is doomed to an eternal battle with the mutant creatures that now control the Earth."

Something from The Asylum to cash-in on "I Am Legend", of course, but it isn't bad at all. Some of the camerawork is a bit shaky, but I got through a couple of bags of crisps and half a pound cake without incident so it's perfectly watchable.

The action scenes are very good indeed, Mark Dacascos has some nice martial arts skills, and Jennifer Lee Wiggins is great eyecandy. The bottom line is that "I Am Omega" is one of the best movies that The Asylum has ever made. If I ever start doing "Sci-fi Saturday" reviews again, this movie deserves a more in-depth and honest critique than anyone else has given it so far.


The Legend of Sorrow Creek (2007)

"When two sisters return to their childhood summer getaway, they soon fall under the wrath of an evil curse—one that threatens to rip them apart forever."

This Canadian "Blair Witch" wannabe is the weakest link on the first DVD, but it's no longer than a TV movie and occasionally looks like one too. If you make it through the first couple of minutes, it gets better intermittently.

"The Legend of Sorrow Creek" is cheap, the dialogue is full of clichés, and the acting is nasty, but at least it isn't a "found footage" movie. Having said that, it's still best to skip it if you don't want your evening's entertainment ruined.


Evil Bong (2006)

"A toke from a mysterious and powerful vintage bong takes a group of college kids on the wildest trip of their lives."

What begins as a passable stoner comedy with a retro vibe eventually turns into an even lamer horror/situation comedy which isn't worth sitting through except for some hot topless girls and amusing vulgarities.

"Evil Bong" is another slightly shorter than regular feature though so it's not worth getting too upset over.


Demonic Toys (1992)

"When a sixty-six-year-old demon with the power to bring toys to life is awakened, he goes in search of a body to inhabit."

Having never been a fan of the "Puppet Master" movies or this spin-off with similar effects, the whole movie feels dated to me in a bad way.

The real draw is Tracy Scoggins rather than the demonic toys themselves although some of the puppetry is nicely done for the time.


Meridian (1990)

"When a young woman visits her recently inherited Italian castle, she discovers that she has also inherited a medieval curse that threatens her life."

If you ever wanted to see Sherilyn Fenn and Charlie Spradling get strumped all over the place by a werewolf, this is the movie for you. There are some nice performances, everything looks great, and the erotic scenes are genuinely erotic.

The only faults are that "Phantoms" is a very girlie, romantic film at heart rather than a horror, and Malcolm Jamieson bears too much of a resemblance to Martin Kemp during his Spandau Ballet days.


Decadent Evil (2005)

"A vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin—part human/part reptile—in a bird cage."

"Decadent Evil" is more or less a run-of-the-mill vampire flick with a TV episode running time, terrible dialogue, and a few weird bits thrown in which don't always gel. It's like a mixture of "The Hunger" and a below average "Tales from the Crypt" episode.

This is another Full Moon movie which most people haven't seen (or would even want to), but the girls are all very pretty. It's not really very "decadent" or "evil" though.


If you haven't already got any of the older "4 Films Horror Collector's Set" packs then either this or the newer "Midnight Horror" 20 pack is a decent purchase for $5.

As a gift for someone who is only just starting to collect horror movies, you can't really fault it. More serious collectors who are looking for better transfers will certainly find something to moan about, but it's higher quality than most Mill Creek packs.

There's definitely something for everyone in this collection so I recommend it. It's just a pity that "Meridian" isn't on the first DVD instead of "The Legend of Sorrow Creek" since I would quite happily throw the second DVD away otherwise.

The Midnight Horror Collection: Blood Predators

I've bought and watched some horrible movies in my time, but nothing prepared me for how awful this Echo Bridge Entertainment multi-feature DVD would be. I didn't make it through any of the movies in one sitting and had to do other more interesting things such as housework just so that I could wake myself up enough again to watch them in 20 minute bursts.

As you know, I got this DVD from my local pawn shop ages ago, but didn't get round to watching it. The first three movies are also in the Pendulum Pictures "Mortuary of Madness" pack, but if Mill Creek Entertainment had continued that series, the final one most certainly would have been included in the "big boxes of shite" as I call them.

Just like the Mill Creek/Pendulum Pictures packs, the transfer is terrible and the movies are even worse. While some of us can laugh at how badly made these movies are and use them to torture the people who were involved in them for the rest of their internet lives, there are actually people who like this kind of thing and who clearly have something very wrong with them mentally otherwise there wouldn't be a market for such abominations. No matter how long I live, I'll never be able to work out why that is.

In the coming series of posts, I'm going to go through these multipacks and finally sort out which ones are going to be flipped so that I can buy something good such as all the seasons of "True Blood" on Blu-ray instead.

And so, without further ado, here's what I thought about this one.


The Vampire Conspiracy (2005)

"Five people are abducted by a maniacal vampire and put into a deadly maze of wits and endurance. If they make it through alive, the Vampire's fortune is theirs. If they fail, they'll be placed back in the game—forever—as bloodthirsty slaves pursuing the next round of victims. The group must discover the connection between them to solve complex clues and survive the band of slaves to escape a twisted game of predator and prey."

To say that this is the best of a bad lot doesn't do it any favours since all the movies are total crap. It's all in black and white, with lots of constantly angry, shouty "actors", and whoever filmed it lacks any framing ability whatsoever.

As far as the story goes, I was intrigued enough to want to find out how all the characters were linked together, but as soon as that was revealed, nothing else interested me.


Fist of the Vampire (2007)

"As an undercover detective infiltrates an illegal underground fighting ring, he begins to piece together bizarre clues connected to an unsolved murder. And when he discovers that the ring is run by bloodthirsty vampires, the underworld of the undead becomes more dangerous than ever..."

Although it's pretty much unwatchable due to all the faux film damage effects such a scratches and grit constantly on screen, I stuck with this for the sexier bits. One of the vampiresses looks the part, but it's all bad acting, and the story isn't very interesting either.

I haven't checked out the Mill Creek version of this yet to compare it, but "Fist of the Vampire" came up "windowboxed" right in the centre of my TV screen and was too small to enjoy even if it hadn't been a turd to begin with.


Curse of the Wolf (2006)

"Dakota, a young werewolf, has finally learned to control her nighttime transformations. She desperately wants to live a normal life, and to break free from her curse, she flees to hide in the city. When the pack aggressively hunts her down, the bouncers offer her protection and band together to battle the werewolves who want her dead... and who won't give up their wolf without a vicious fight."

I only watched this to see what happened to Pamela Sutch who I interviewed through MySpace back in the day. "Curse of the Wolf" is very slow with a few nudie bits which don't make up for it. The horrible rock music in the background also had me fast forwarding to anything that looked interesting just to avoid it.

At nearly two hours long, I will probably watch this again one day and review it for another blog I write, but I don't have the patience to do it now.


Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned (2008)

"Sammy, who wants to throw the ultimate bachelor party in the Hamptons for his best friend Chuck, has scored a bungalow for the fest. The wild weekend takes a turn for the rowdy and raunchy when a trio of strippers arrives at the door... but these are no ordinary strippers! They're smokin' hot and dance to kill. One by one, the guests are seduced and devoured—only a lucky few will survive the Bungalow of the Damned!"

Hahaha. I've finally seen Zoe Hunter in all her glory, but sorry, I'm not impressed. I know this is meant to be some kind of comedy, but it's not funny in any way apart from the amusing end credits.

The best thing I can say about "Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned" is that it's always interesting to see what the insides of other people's houses look like. These "indie horror" films are great for that.


Although I definitely don't recommend it, if you really want to torture yourself, you can buy the "Blood Predators" collection from Amazon, eBay, Wal-mart, K-mart, and most good pawn shops near you.

I've included the Amazon link to the left (as usual) anyway since it leads to some even more venomous reviews than mine.

You also have to laugh that the best price offered is only 1¢. Bear in mind that the shipping will be probably be equal to the normal retail price that this DVD sells for anywhere.

The best price I've seen "Blood Predators" for is $2.99 in K-mart's bargain bin.

My own copy of this DVD is heading for the yard sale where I'll be lucky if I get $1 for it.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

"After the birth of Renesmee, the Cullens gather other vampire clans in order to protect the child from a false allegation that puts the family in front of the Volturi."

I can't believe it!!! The final chapter of the series which polarised and ostracised me from every other horror fan is over!!! And guess what? They saved the best for last! Oh my God, "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" rocks! I hate to say it, but I TOLD YOU SO!

Bella is now a beautiful vampire, her half-mortal child with Edward is growing fast, and Jacob takes his shirt off for the last time. For some of us, the latter is a relief. The romance is still there, but now it's more adult and complicated. Plus the Volturi are back with a vengeance!

The thing which everyone has been moaning and whining about since the very first "Twilight" movie has finally happened... this one is a HORROR movie! Yes, real horror! We're shown a full-on epic battle between Cullens, Quileutes and Volturi with decapitations, dismemberments, gore, and the cruel deaths of several main characters!!!

What will all the fairweather horror fans and douchebag movie reviewers have to complain about now even though they'll all be heading to their local cinemas to watch this film anyway? If any of those hypocrites dare to say that "Breaking Dawn - Part 2" is a pile of crap, they'll just be lying to save face.

Prepare to be shocked, horrified, and maybe even cry a little bit when it's all over. I won't give away what happens until after the next picture, but I found it all very emotional.

If you don't want spoilers, stop reading now!

Okay, so if you've read the books (or watched the trailer), you know what happens anyway. For those of us who haven't, here's a quick summary of the events.

Everything is fun and games for Edward, Bella and Renesmee (their stupidly named daughter). Bella and Edward are working their way through Alex Comfort's "The Joy of Sex" books, Jacob is happily imprinted with "Nessie" (he's nicknamed her after the Loch Ness monster!), and only Charlie Swan's life is in turmoil as he believes that Bella has died. But even Charlie's grief is short-lived after Jacob shows up in his backyard, turns wolfy in front of him, and reveals that Bella is still alive although changed.

Unfortunately, this status quo can't last or we'd have another film as boring as "New Moon". As much as I love "Twilight", I'm the first to admit that "New Moon" sucked. So, to put a spanner in the works, sexy Irina (Maggie Grace) just has to oversee Renesmee leaping high in the air to catch snowflakes. Without giving Bella the chance to explain, Irina runs off to the Volturi to tell them erroneously that the heinous crime of making an infant vampire has been committed.

And so it comes to pass that the Cullens have to assemble an army of witnesses to validate Renesmee's identity and true nature. They travel all over the world (or at least America) to bring their friends together in preparation for a confrontation with the Volturi. Fearing the Volturi's ulterior motives, Alice (Ashley Greene) and Jasper have their own agenda, and have apparently fled.

Thus, just after Christmas, the Cullens, aided by the Quileutes and their other interesting new allies, march out to meet the Volturi. Of course, the Volturi are barely able to accept the truth about Renesmee even when presented with her right in front of them. They want war and are looking for any excuse even when Alice returns and gives Aro (Michael Sheen) her vision as proof that Renesmee is no threat. Her vision half convinces him but then seems to inspire Aro to command a greater punishment. Without warning, Jasper gets his head pulled off and all Hell breaks loose!

It's now that "Breaking Dawn - part 2" stuns everybody and really tugs on the old heartstrings as Carlisle rushes across the snow-covered battlefield to save Alice and gets decapitated, magical powers are unleashed as weapons, and there's bloodshed aplenty!!! Various werewolves die screaming in acts of bravery and, even though we barely know them, the new vampire allies are decimated. It's horrible!!! The Volturi suffer too.

Dakota Fanning is beautifully made up and gives everyone a world of pain to go with her evil looks while Bella protects everyone the best she can with a forcefield. Right, left and centre, the werewolves maul the vampires, and the opposing vampires pull each other's heads off! Just a little drop more blood and this would have earned an R-rating for sure!

The action is top notch, exciting, and has some great choreography. Even the CGI is used well although, personally, I've always thought that the werewolves were a little bit too large to be believable. Jacob's werewolf form is the size of a horse which is taken advantage of by Renesmee as she rides him to safety.

Kristen Stewart finally proves she can change her expression from dour to fierce, and, even though she looks horrid in the process, she really kicks some ass in the battle. If only she'd been this good in "Snow White and the Huntsman" rather than cheating on Robert Pattinson maybe people would still like her. She's definitely got the moves and the looks though so I couldn't hate the Trampire for long.

With everyone dying, Alice wades through the mayhem to take out Jane (Dakota Fanning), and the combined efforts of Edward and Bella destroy Aro... but then there's a twist which is absolutely fantastic!

The battle NEVER HAPPENED! It's all part of Alice's vision! Oh, yes, there will be gasps and cheers from the audience!

Okay, it may be a bit of a cop-out ending - the shocked Aro decides that it's best if they just go home and leave the Cullens in peace - but it's done so beautifully! I didn't know whether to cheer or cry. I was so relieved that I was choked. I'm not ashamed to admit that as a fully grown man rather than a 13-year-old girl either.

The final minutes with Edward telling Bella that he'll love her forever wrap this romance up nicely, but I wish there was more. I want more adventures. I want to see Jacob and "Nessie" get together. I don't want it to end!

I've loved the "Twilight" franchise, looked forward to each new movie every year, and now I really don't know what to do with myself. It's a good job that I have a new blog to play with. The haters will just have to leech onto "The Hunger Games" and try to spoil the enjoyment of that franchise for everyone. I'm tempted to join them, but I probably won't. I've actually started to appreciate "The Hunger Games" too now.

Anyway, it's goodbye to Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Farewell to "Team Jacob" and "Team Edward" rivalry (I was always "Team Alice" myself). I've lusted over the pretty vampire girls for the last time and eaten twice my own weight in M&Ms in the process. I'm going to miss "Twilight".

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

"Picking up directly from the previous film, vampire warrior Selena and the half werewolf Michael hunt for clues to reveal the history of their races and the war between them."

Apart from being overloaded with continuity errors, plot holes, and other goofs, "Underworld: Evolution" at least attempted to flesh out the story created in "Underworld" and retroactively turn that film into part one of a greater epic. Unfortunately, it also added some new characters who were even more one-dimensional than the first lot.

If I had been looking for any character development in "Underworld: Evolution", I would have been sorely disappointed. It was just more of the same with everyone being underused as ciphers between the spectacular CGI-fuelled action scenes. I must admit that I really liked the action and tried to just enjoy it for what it was rather than scrutinize it too closely. Realism and the laws of physics have no place in these movies.

With a budget nearly twice as big as that of the original "Underworld", the effects guys created some quite exhilarating and gory sequences in a few places. The werewolves, or Lycans as I should call them, were some seriously nasty-looking beasts and, of course, the Marcus bat-creature stole the show completely with his wings.

Marcus, as played by Tony Curran who I remembered most as Lenny from season two of "This Life" (back when BBC2 dramas were still good) and for being a very Scottish viking in "The 13th Warrior" (1999), was really impressive to begin with, but then turned into yet another overacted villain with about as much menace in human form as an angry rice pudding. It was a shame really because the opening scenes promised so much more in terms of kingship and his more regal nature.

Kate Beckinsale, on the other hand, was exactly the same as before which pleased me for purely sinister reasons. I appreciated the nudie bits and her slickly choreographed athleticism. I wish I could say that I cared about her character, but, unfortunately, there was nothing there to care about other than the way she looked. As an immortal vampiress, Selene just wasn't all that interesting until about five minutes before the end.

I don't have much to say about Michael (Scott Speedman) either. Once again, he was just sort of there in the background until it was time for him to get his ass kicked by something meaner than he was. He was kind of like a more supernatural version of Xander from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" in that respect but without any charisma or a sense of humour.

One character who I think needed more screen time was Tanis as played by Steven Mackintosh. I suppose he did all he needed to do in the story by revealing the necessary information about the key and William the werewolf's dungeon, but it was almost as much of a waste as casting Sir Derek Jacobi as a far less impressive Corvinus than the mythology up to that point had me expecting.

Apart from having an almost Biblical unwillingness to control his offspring, the only thing Corvinus did was turn Selene into a super-vampire who could eventually do the thing which he wouldn't. Not to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it (even though you've had six years to do so!), the final battle was nicely done but very predictable.

According to the IMDb, "Underworld: Evolution" initially did only slightly better than "Underworld" at the box office and then was lucky to get its money back. I don't remember the reviews at the time, but I have vague memory that "Underworld: Evolution" was considered a bit of a turd. Since 2006 was a pretty bad year for films anyway, I didn't bother watching it or anything else at the cinema apart from James Bond. Having only ever seen "Underworld: Evolution" on DVD, I think I might have enjoyed it slightly more as some mindless entertainment on the big screen.

As a sequel which tried harder than most to be a real part two rather than a recreation of the same story, I don't consider "Underworld: Evolution" to be a complete waste of time, but I probably would have been better off watching some blue and black paint dry.

Underworld (2003)

"Selene, a beautiful vampire warrior, is entrenched in a war between the vampire and werewolf races. Although she is aligned with the vampires, she falls in love with Michael, a werewolf who longs for the war to end."

After much deliberation (not to mention procrastination), I decided to rewatch "Underworld" and its first sequel again to see if I liked them any better now that several years have passed since I first saw them. I did this for two reasons: one, I'm pretty sure that watching so many lame movies in a row has rotted my brain to the point where I can barely tell the difference between a good movie or a bad one anymore, and two, I couldn't remember a damned thing about any of them except that they were all in blue and black.

I was talked into buying the DVD of "Underworld" when it came out by a workmate of mine. He was slightly obsessed with it (plus "The Matrix" trilogy and all manner of other embarrassingly dull sci-fi movies). Somehow he wore me down enough to buy it first, knowing full well that I'd end up giving it to him once I'd watched it. I was glad to get rid of the thing because it not only confused me but almost bored me to tears in places. We both worked in Woolworth's at the time so I got it cheaper by using my 20% staff discount card. It was no great loss to give a DVD away to someone who seemed to genuinely appreciate it.

Having now acquired copies of the first three "Underworld" films from my local pawn shop just to complete the "4 for $10" deal when I couldn't find anything else which I wanted, it seemed silly to not revisit them all back-to-back especially as I've written a review of the most recent one, "Underworld: Awakening". I'd already reviewed "Rise of the Lycans" a couple of years ago too so I knew I wouldn't have to write anything about that ever again.

Anyway, as things turned out, I'm slightly ashamed to say that I kind of enjoyed "Underworld". I'm not sure if it was just because I couldn't take my eyes off Kate Beckinsale or if I genuinely got interested in the story. If I had to put money on it, I'd go with the first of those answers because, honestly, I could barely understand what was going on.

Okay, so I got that Kate Beckinsale was supposed to be a vampire and a stone-cold werewolf killer, and Scott Speedman was the last of a bloodline of humans who could become a hybrid of a werewolf and a vampire, but I still don't know what the point of either of them was. Was there supposed to be some horror involved in their relationship? Was it just another story of star-crossed lovers set against a background of war in a fantasy version of Czechoslovakia? Where was the focus?

I understood that Michael Sheen was only a superficially righteous werewolf leader called Lucian (mispronounced as "Looshun") who was trying to create this hybrid. But to what end? Was the hybrid a weapon, an ally, or just another immortal monster with no purpose?

Bizarrely, for those of you who don't know, Michael Sheen was the real life father of Kate Beckinsale's daughter even though this was the film in which she first met and started to fall for the director, Len Wiseman, who, of course, we all know she later married. Showbiz people have the weirdest relationships, but the stuff which must have been going on behind the scenes just made me scratch my head in disbelief. Just add the fact that both her ex and her future lover were watching her pretending to be attracted to Scott Speedman's character, and I'm surprised that the amount of conflicting emotions didn't end in some terrible tragedy. I never thought that Kate Beckinsale was a very good actress before, but knowing the back story, I now think she must be one of the most professional in the business. To give even more credit where it's due, everyone involved in "Underworld" must be like that because it turned out to be a very high quality production.

With that slight digression and praise out of the way, I still didn't really like the story. I found all the stuff with Bill Nighy as "Viktor the vampire" particularly confusing, couldn't work out who was a good guy and who was bad guy, and whatever was going on between Lucian and Kraven (Shane Brolly) looked as if it was actually a good thing. Wasn't their deal supposed to lead to a peace treaty of some kind? I couldn't figure out how turning Scott Speedman into a hybrid was supposed to achieve that, but never mind. Somehow reanimating Viktor before his time made a mess of everything and, presumably, that was all there was to the plot. It was all secrets and lies, fighting for the sake of fighting, and it didn't seem to matter which side anyone was on because everyone thought they were doing the right thing.

I know that "Underworld" wasn't a box office success and I can see why. The film looked fantastic (albeit in only two colours most of the time and sometimes in three or four), but it was ultimately a character based story with no great depth to any of the characters.

The action scenes were incredibly stylish, the CGI was state of the art at the time, and all the effects (including the make-up and creature designs) were great. But what actually happened over more than two hours other than setting up a fantasy world in which a lot of one-dimensional but extremely well-acted characters got killed off?

Nearly nine years on from when I first watched "Underworld", my opinion hasn't changed that much. Although I was more entertained this time and could recognise the effort that went into making the film, on both emotional and intellectual levels, I still wasn't satisfied by it.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

"The Quileutes close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses a threat to the Wolf Pack and the townspeople of Forks."

I wasn't going to review "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" until the final installment was also available to me on DVD since I wanted to watch the two of them back-to-back, but with "Part 2" so close now, I couldn't hold out any longer. I've now watched "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" four times, and I have to say right off the bat that Bill Condon made the best sequel in the series.

I was undecided about the whole breaking movies in two trend, but, even though the cynic in me thinks that it was only done to get fans to pay twice over to see the end of the story, there was probably no way that everything from the last book could have been included in one film.

Like all the "Twilight" movies, "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" took its sweet time over seemingly unimportant details. For most people the preparations for the wedding and the wedding itself could have been dealt with in a quarter of the time, but you have to bear in mind that the core audience is still made up of impressionable little girls who want to see all that stuff. As a fully grown man with no romance left in my soul, of course I thought that Bella was beautiful, but I was still glad when it was over.

Basically, I just wanted to see Edward and Bella getting down to some rumpy-pumpy. After about half an hour, I wasn't disappointed either. Although there was some obvious pulling of punches, it was all refreshingly adult, and the devastation of the bed showed that it must have been extremely rough sex too. Poor Bella.

She likes it rough.

The honeymoon period was, sadly, short-lived once Edward realised that he couldn't handle bruising Bella every time he diddled her, and then, of course, the inevitable pregnancy put the kibosh on them just enjoying their holiday.

Once again more time was spent on the details of the pregnancy than was strictly necessary, but it was still something else to behold. The transformation of Kirsten Stewart from beautiful to haggard was quite an achievement, and she really looked like a vampire baby was sucking the life out of her. Pregnant women absolutely disgust me anyway so seeing Bella almost turn into an anorexic-looking, walking corpse with a distended, fat belly is high on my list of the most revolting things I've ever seen in a movie.

Even worse was to come with the Caesarian section birth which was only partly achieved with a scalpel. I've watched the gruesomeness several times over and I'm still not entirely sure that Edward didn't chew Bella open to get the baby out. There was definitely blood all round his mouth and probably more blood in that scene than in all the "Twilight Saga" movies combined. It was lush!

Incidental to all this was Jacob being all moody as usual, a few fight scenes between werewolves, and a lot of other stuff which I had no great interest in. I can't stand Jacob or the CGI wolves anyway. His imprinting on Bella and Edward's baby to save it from the other werewolves was a half-expected surprise (since I've never read the books), but, alas, that means that there'll be even more of him in the next film.

As for the vampire baby itself, who cares? I'm looking forward to seeing her all grown up and pretty, but, unlike the Volturi who appeared during the credits, I had no interest in something that looks like a potato.

With the promise of a lot more trouble heading for the Cullens, I've included the trailer for "Breaking Dawn - Part 2" below. I can't wait!

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

"When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind."

Apart from creating the opportunity to ogle Kate Beckinsale, I've never understood the appeal of the "Underworld" movies. The plots are weak, the mainly blue and black colour schemes are annoying, and the CGI always looks like something out of a computer game.

Thus, I wasn't expecting a lot from the latest installment, "Underworld: Awakening", which was just as well since it turned out to be only more of the same but with two extra colours added to the palette. Golden lights and more human flesh tones abound, even though it was, yet again, mainly all in blue and black. There's even a lot of blood this time which almost completed a reworking of the old newspaper or dead penguin joke about being "black and blue, and red all over".

True to form, the best part of the movie is Kate Beckinsale, who manages to get completely naked at one point without showing any of the bits which the boys want to see. She's so thin and flat-chested that I don't really think there'd be all that much to see there anyway. She's coming up to forty years old now so the appeal of seeing a nude middle-aged woman isn't that great even if it's Kate Beckinsale. I'm sure she's still got a couple more "Underworld" movies left in her before she has to start playing mothers for the rest of her career though.

You're fooling nobody with that old NES Zapper, Selene.

In spite of not really having a story which goes anywhere or any characters other than the regulars whose names are spoken enough times to know who they are, the action sequences are top-notch this time. The opening escape sequence from the Antigen building is the best, although several of the fights with Lycans are quite spectacular too considering that the Lycans are generated by a computer and Selene's weapons can magically reload themselves. You have to forget any attempts at realism with these "Underworld" movies anyway.

A couple of once big names, Stephen Rea and Charles Dance, join in the fun and games this time, but only Stephen Rea has much of a part. He's pretty good in it too. The barely recognisable Charles Dance is only a kind of substitute for Bill Nighy, since he's from that age group of actors and they look a bit similar to each other now. If you've ever wondered if all old people end up looking the same, your question has been answered.

"Underworld: Awakening" is mainly a comicbook-style action movie which just happens to have vampires and werewolves as the main characters. I don't really think of any of the "Underworld" series as being true horror films any more than I would count "Resident Evil" or "Twilight" as being anything other than very fringe members of the genre.

I'm not sure who the target audience is meant to be for "Underworld: Awakening", but the inclusion of a hybrid vampire/werewolf child suggests that this was meant for children who like to identify with the younger characters. I don't get how that is supposed to work as, bizarrely, the whole series has been R-rated from the beginning. None of the "Underworld" movies have ever felt like they were meant for adults (or even older teenagers with any taste) so I'm at a loss to explain how "Underworld" managed to reach this third sequel. From the way it ended, I'm pretty sure that there will be another sequel eventually too.

Even though sexy Selene is the most badass that she's ever been, I'm still going to have to put "Underworld: Awakening" back to sleep in "The Dungeon". Personal taste aside, it just isn't a very good film.

My Top Ten Werewolf Films

Since you all seem to enjoy my top ten lists so much, here's another one that I've thrown together for your entertainment. I think the results may surprise you though as werewolf movies are far from being my favourite part of the horror genre.


1. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

"Two American tourists in Britain are attacked by a werewolf that none of the locals will admit exists."

This one is a really obvious choice as it's the horror film that sends me into a nice comfortable sleep the easiest. I don't know why but I find this witty amalgam of previous werewolf movies and fully fledged horror very relaxing. It's still the best werewolf movie to date though. Rick Baker's special effects won an Oscar but the real thrills for me come from Jenny Agutter's steamy shower scene.


2. Ginger Snaps (2000)

"This film uses werewolfism as a metaphor for puberty. One of the Fitzgerald sisters, suburban goth girl outcasts, gets bitten by something in the woods (and it ain't a neighborhood dog)."

Just like a low-budget Canadian werewolf version of "Carrie" in many ways but made so much better by having the great looking Katharine Isabelle who gets even sexier as the film progresses, especially when compared to her very odd looking sister. It's a refreshing change to the usual run-of-the-mill werewolf stories as this is from a girls' perspective.


3. The Curse of the Werewolf (1960)

"In Spain, Leon is born on Christmas day to a mute servant girl who was raped by a beggar. His mother dies giving birth and he is looked after by Don Alfredo. As a child Leon becomes a werewolf after having been taken hunting."

I like this film enormously. The opening scenes of the werewolf's conception and birth are a bit nasty even for a hardened old horror pro like me. The late Oliver Reed gives such a stunning performance as the wolf man that it's obvious that only a true wild man such as himself could have made this role work.


4. Dog Soldiers (2001)

"A routine military exercise turns into a nightmare in the Scotland [sic] wilderness." (Terrible grammar from the IMDb there.)

Pretty routine stuff all round but it came out during the survival horror video games peak and fitted in quite nicely between bouts of "Resident Evil". This would only get an entry level score ordinarily but it's on this list for being British and for having a really good first hour which feels like an episode of "Soldier, Soldier" (which I became quite addicted to watching). Soldiers fighting monsters is not an original idea though.


5. Full Eclipse (1993)

"The LA police department have a special team of officers with a talent for reducing big-time crime. The team leader has an excellent track record for crime reduction in other big cities, but his methods are unconventional, and so is he - he's a werewolf."

The movie may start well with lots of guns, guns, guns etc., but this is no howling success. Mario Van Peebles, Patsy Kensit, and Paula Marshall are all talented individuals whose talent went to waste in this film. The storyline of crime busting werewolves must have seemed a great idea at the time, but, quite frankly, it needed a better script to make it happen. Still good fun though and Patsy Kensit doing it doggy (or should that be "wolfy"?) style in black leather is enough to keep anyone's interest.


6. The Company of Wolves (1984)

"A bag full of symbolic folklore about werewolves, or, rather, their sexual connotation. Granny tells her granddaughter Rosaleen strange, disturbing tales about innocent maidens falling in love with handsome, heavily eyebrowed strangers with a smouldering look in their eyes."

Although made more horrible by the participation of the hateful Angela Lansbury, this is supposed to be a fantasy rather than a horror film. That said, it is gory and unnerving in places and, all in all, is a bloody good collection of werewolves. Sarah Patterson as "Rosaleen" is the most gorgeous piece of jailbait to ever grace our screens. I wonder whatever happened to her?


7. The Howling (1981)

"After a bizarre and near fatal encounter with a serial killer, a newswoman is sent to a rehabilitation centre whose inhabitants may not be what they seem."

Once the best werewolf movie ever made but now the special effects lose out to "An American Werewolf in London". Based loosely on Gary Brandner's book of the same name, this is still much better than any of its appalling sequels. Joe Dante provides plenty of thrills, but the script could have been better in places, and for the most part it isn't really scary.


8. Legend of the Werewolf (1974)

"A baby is brought up by wolves after they kill his parents. As a lad he is taken in by a second-rate travelling show, but one night when he is older he kills one of the troupe and runs away to Paris."

Amicus' attempt at a werewolf movie is not quite as good as Hammer's "The Curse of the Werewolf", but it isn't too far from it by any means and has great performances all round. The scene where the wolf man wakes up back in human form in the zoo was later used in "An American Werewolf in London", but here there is more reason for it to happen since the wolf man works as a zoo keeper.


9. Silver Bullet (1985)

"Werewolf terrorizes small city where lives Marty Coslaw, - a paralytic boy - his uncle and his sister - the narrator of the story."

Probably one of the first werewolf films that a lot of people watched in the 80s. This adaptation of one of Stephen King's novellas, has a nice feel to it but the certification is all wrong. This should be a PG! It's about really little kids discovering a werewolf and does not deserve the 18 certification in Britain for anything. I have no idea what the rating for it is in the US as I've never seen it on sale anywhere.


10. The Wolf Man (1941)

"A practical man returns to his homeland, is attacked by a creature of folklore, and infected with a horrific disease his disciplined mind tells him can not possibly exist."

The original and best werewolf film apart from "American Werewolf in London". This film made a star of Lon Chaney, jnr., created all the myths about werewolves that would be used throughout Hollywood ever after, and spawned a succession of Universal Monster movies uniting the wolf man often incongruously with the other Universal Monsters. Why is it at the bottom of the list? The poem which gets repeated ad nauseum throughout. If I hear it one more time, I'll smash the TV in with a silver-topped cane.


There are no runners-up this time as the only alternatives are the TV miniseries called "Wilderness" (1996) which was cut so badly for a US DVD release that it's unbearable, "Blood and Chocolate" (2007) which is about as entertaining as "Twilight", and "Wolf" (1994) which I can't ever watch again because of my irrational dislike of James Spader.

Of course, werewolves appear in a lot of other horror movies (and even some comedies), but usually it's with more unintentional humour than the filmmakers imagined.

So there you have it. Agree or disagree? What are your favourite werewolf films?