Horror Express (1972)

"An English anthropologist has discovered a frozen monster in the frozen wastes of Manchuria which he believes may be the Missing Link. He brings the creature back to Europe aboard a trans-Siberian express, but during the trip the monster thaws out and starts to butcher the passengers one by one."

It's the 21st of October! Only ten days left until Hallowe'en! Are you getting excited? Have you bought your mask and enough candy from the dollar store to give you diabetes? What about movies? Did you check the shelves in Dollar Tree for some of the public domain gems which only turn up at this time of year?

Last year, I was lucky enough to find "Horror Express" at one of my local branches of Dollar Tree and included it in my "I bought that for a dollar" series of posts. The Digiview Productions version is far from being the best transfer in the world - it looks like a VHS rip complete with tracking errors and tape damage - but it was only $1 for one of the greatest horror/sci-fi movies from the 1970s.

You just can't go wrong with anything starring Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as a couple of pompous Edwardian Brits especially when the same movie also has Telly Savalas in far more than just a cameo appearance as a Cossack captain. It takes an hour for him to turn up, but Telly Savalas absolutely steals the show. That's no mean feat either since the entire cast are at the top of their game throughout.

When I first saw "Horror Express" on the BBC far too many years ago to even remember the date, I was amazed that it was so underrated. "Horror Express" contains everything you could ever want from a horror movie including a kind of vampiric, body-hopping, alien monster, brutal kills, gore, beautiful women, and a resurrection of what can only be described as zombies near the end. There's even a mad monk who is Rasputin in all but name.

With Father Pujardov (Alberto de Mendoza) and Inspector Mirov (Julio Peña) dominating most the screen time, it's pretty obvious that the Spanish cast could more than hold their own alongside more internationally famous actors. Sadly, this was the last movie for Julio Peña who died in 1972. After quite a successful career, Alberto de Mendoza also passed away in December last year at the age of 88.

Since Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas, Alice Reinheart, José Jaspe, George Rigaud, Víctor Israel, and Barta Barri have also shuffled off their mortal coils, "Horror Express" is yet another one of those movies full of dead actors who were so important to many of us in our youth. Of course, if you are aren't in your late 30s or older then you won't know who any of them were.

Eyecandy is provided by Silvia Tortosa, who plays Countess Irina Petrovski, and Helga Liné as an industrial spy who may well have inspired Famke Janssen's character, Trillian St. James, in "Deep Rising" (1998). Neither of them really do a lot, but Helga Liné provides a more lustful than usual Peter Cushing with some amusing moments.

For a low-budget movie, "Horror Express" has a great atmosphere and manages to successfully deliver several old-fashioned scares. Notwithstanding the plot-holes and minor historical inaccuracies, "Horror Express" is one of the must see '70s classics which rivals "The Thing From Another World" (1951), "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956) and their remakes.

Prometheus (2012)

"A team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race."

God, I hate sci-fi. I really, really hate sci-fi. In fact, if I was given the choice between watching another sci-fi movie or listening to the entire Justin Bieber discography, I would choose the latter. And, no, I'm not a Belieber.

What makes sci-fi even worse for me is when it crosses over so blatantly, as "Prometheus" has done, into the horror genre. Yes, I know that this is just an "Alien" prequel of sorts and "Alien" was a "slasher in space", but it still ruffles my fur considerably.

You see, if you are going to do good sci-fi, i.e. science fiction, then it should at least have a resemblance to something which scientifically could exist or happen. Just setting a horror/action movie on an impossibly huge spaceship or alien planet does not make it science fiction. Any intelligence behind the science and the fiction has now gone in that scenario, and the result loses the letters to match. Sci-fi is the shorthand for this dreck.

But, of course, I'm not a science fiction fan anyway. For instance, when I heard that Ray Bradbury passed away last night, I thought, "Yeah, I know the name but I've never read any of his books". RIP Ray Bradbury, by the way, but I only know his work through the TV adaptations and a couple of "Twilight Zone" episodes. What does he have to do with "Prometheus"? Nothing, really, except that I'm probably not the only one who saw echoes of "The Martian Chronicles" in it.

The work of Ridley Scott, however, I am very familiar with. I've watched a good 70% of his movies since 1977. Some I liked and some I really didn't care for at all. To cut a long story short, yes, of course I loved "Alien". There's always an exception to every rule.

Anyway, without further ado, let me tell you what I thought of "Prometheus". Yes, I've seen it already, don't hate me, and don't read any further past the next picture if you don't want any spoilers.

Mixing an unhealthy dollop of Erich von Däniken's "Chariots of the Gods" into the same universe as the "Alien" quadrilogy wasn't a bad idea. I saw that coming eventually. I didn't expect it in a movie from the creator of the franchise, but given the same theme about seeking out your creator from "Blade Runner" (1982), I can now see how that happened. Unlike the creationist backstory of "Prometheus", this was simply evolution.

As a firm believer in a Divine Creator rather than the unproven theories of evolution which schools are still teaching their slack-jawed inmates as if they were scientific fact, I was very pleased to see this subject given some reasonably serious treatment on the silver screen. Ridley Scott wimped out here and there with what could have been a very good debate in favour of a Summer action movie, but it was nicely played and has certainly got the nerds talking. Unfortunately, most of the nerd talk has been about all the homages to Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey", but there's no accounting for taste.

I didn't understand all the wiggly worms in a box thing at the start until much later and then I had to think some more about it. I'm still a little bit puzzled (no pun intended) by how a certain Rubik's Cube turned into a Powerpoint projector. I still can't get my head around how Guy Pearce was made-up as an old man and completely wasted in his role. Some things, however, are best left as mysteries when it comes to Sir Ridley Scott's movies. I'll never understand how the electronics were supposed to function in the Voight-Kampff machine in "Blade Runner" or how the Spinner cars were supposed to fly, but I could take an educated guess about all these things, I suppose.

One thing I'll never understand though, is how a team of space engineers, scientists, and, generally, well-trained, intelligent astronauts, could behave as stupidly as the ones in "Prometheus". Decent acting aside, all the characters were dumber than a box of space rocks. Of course, they were only there to die.

None of them really stood out except as clichéd ciphers for the various tropes and action set pieces. Michael Fassbender was pretty good in his role, but he wasn't really any different to any other android in the "Alien" movies. Charlize Theron's role as Meredith Vickers was somewhat inconsistent, but that can be blamed on the script rather than her performance.

The only character who I did like was Lisbeth Salander. Oh, I mean Elizabeth Shaw, don't I? I always thought she made chocolates. Whatever the case, Noomi Rapace can do no wrong in anything as far as I'm concerned. I don't care if she can't do an English accent, she's a very attractive woman and has been chosen for some exceedingly badass roles. Don't believe she's a badass even after "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"? Just wait until you see, in "Prometheus", how she gives herself a surgical abortion without a moment's hesitation and then goes on to be even more badass without needing any recovery time whatsoever! Even the Chuck Norris memes couldn't equal that.

What increased my enjoyment of "Prometheus" was, of course, all the spectacle. Things were huge, spaceships and aliens were enormous, it was all very cinematic. R-rated deaths, improbable monsters, acid burns, flame throwers, big explosions, blood, gore, and slimy stuff... yeah, this was the stuff I've missed about Summer movies for years. Actually, that's not true, what I missed was having a decent story behind it all. I didn't get that here either really or, rather, I did but it wasn't an original one.

Don't believe the other reviewers who say that "Prometheus" had a weak plot. There was nothing weak about it at all. It's exactly the same story as "Alien" and nobody complains about that movie! Let's look at the similaries: A massive spaceship with its crew in suspended animation goes to a planet full of parasitic aliens, they wake up and unwittingly bring the deadly creatures aboard their own vessel, get infected and killed one by one, while, in the background, a creepy android and a corporation with its own agenda put everyone in even more danger, everything gets blown up, self-sacrifices abound, and only a final girl survives. Everyone can now, please, quit their bitching about the plot!

The nerds and fanboys will still be on every message board moaning about the big, black, spidery-looking aliens with three sets of teeth not being in "Prometheus", but who cares? Really, who cares? There weren't any cats in it either. However, there were wormy things, acid-spitting snakey things, a baby octopussy thing, and a great, big squid with loads of eyes and teeth which looked like something out of H.P. Lovecraft's imagination. I see nothing to complain about there at all.

The effects used in "Prometheus" were, of course, incredible. To me, it was a beautiful looking film although, possibly, a little bit too dark in some places and too clean and bright in others. I don't know all the ins and outs of the technical stuff or how any of that stuff was achieved, but, like everyone else, I can imagine that it cost a lot of time, hard work, and more money than I will ever see.

Did I like "Prometheus". Yes, grudgingly, I suppose I did. Will I buy it when it comes out on DVD? No, I won't. Basically, if you already have the "Alien" quadrilogy, you've seen all this has to offer before but with different characters and actors. If you are a huge fan of the "Alien" franchise then, of course, you'll want this too even if it is only for completeness.

Should you go to the cinema to see "Prometheus"? Yes, definitely. No matter how good your home cinema set-up is, you aren't going to beat seeing this movie as nature intended. "Prometheus" is, quite simply, one of the "must see" theatrical releases of 2012. It's just a pity that it was sci-fi.

The Thing (2011)

"At an Antarctica research site, the discovery of an alien craft leads to a confrontation between graduate student Kate Lloyd and scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson."

Well, I finally got round to watching "The Thing" prequel last night. As my only eagerly anticipated film this year, I was so excited about it that I'm probably going to rate it a lot higher than I should do. Even so, it still turned out to be a huge disappointment overall.

Since I'm not one of those people who suffers from nostalgia, I'm not even going to compare the prequel/premake with John Carpenter's 1982 remake too much. To do so would be unfair to both movies as, although the two films look somewhat similar at first glance, apart from the title they are very different entities.

Taking "The Thing" (2011) as a standalone movie is, however, impossible. It's little more than "Alien" (1979) all over again but set in Antarctica rather than outer space. Mary Elizabeth Winstead plays a Ripley character with a lot less balls than Sigourney Weaver but, with all the action scenes, the similarities are too in your face not to notice.

Another film that "The Thing" is like is "AVP: Alien vs. Predator" (2004) due once again to the formulaic female lead and the overall feel of the movie. Just like "AVP", there's not much tension and the plot tends to lag when it should be full of suspense.

This version of "The Thing" is supposed to be an action movie at heart so it abandons suspense round about the middle of the film in favour of becoming yet another slasher. I found this to be a major weakness and, without giving away any more spoilers than I have to, the monster is revealed way too early and the action is confusing as hell. The sheer number of bearded characters are too many and too undifferentiated for you to care about any of them particularly.

Another big problem is the use of CGI which isn't bad but is hardly groundbreaking or imaginative either. A lot of the time the flaws are hidden by the darkness of the background but this is computer game stuff. Coupled with the extremely loud "boo scares", it's pretty obvious which generation "The Thing" is made for and it's not the older fans of the original.

I'm going to rate "The Thing" as just average for now. It's a prequel after all so it's meant to compliment John Carpenter's version rather than replace it. It was a nice try but, once I get this on DVD, I know that I'll be able to find dozens of anachronisms and plot holes which I didn't even notice during the theatrical experience.

The Thing (1982)

"Scientists in the Antarctic are confronted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the appearance of the people that it kills."

A lot of people class this as sci-fi and I can see their point, but I think of it as horror and absolutely love it.

John Carpenter didn't so much remake "The Thing From Another World" (1951) here but completely reinvented it as a practical effects laden gorefest. The alien creature effects truly are the star of the show but there's still the tension and paranoia of the original.

I first heard about "The Thing" while listening to trailers for it on the radio. I could only imagine what it looked like because I was too young to see it at the cinema but a couple of years later it was on TV completely uncensored (because British TV is always good like that) and it was exactly as I expected it to be.

When VHS came along it was one of the first I bought. I've watched "The Thing" more times than just about any other movie in my collection especially since getting the "Collector's Edition" on DVD.

There's just something about being trapped in a hostile, snowy environment with a shape-changing alien who could be anybody (or anything) that ticks every box in the "survival horror" category for me.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm really looking forward to this year's "premake" so I'm definitely including "The Thing" in my Hallowe'en countdown.

Alien (1979)

"A mining ship, investigating a suspected SOS, lands on a distant planet. The crew discovers some strange creatures and investigates."

If someone ever told me that they had never seen the original "Alien", not only would I not believe them, but I'd probably laugh at them too. This sci-fi slasher movie has been available in so many formats, shown on TV thousands of times all over the world, and has so much merchandise available for it that, even if you haven't ever watched it, you'd still know exactly what it was all about and who was in it just through hearsay.

When VHS tapes started to get replaced by DVDs, "Alien" was actually the first DVD that I ever bought although I had to return it several times to get one that worked properly. It seems that DVD authoring errors have plagued this movie right up to the famous HMV recall of the "Alien Quadrilogy" box set which is a shame.

I now own three different DVD versions of "Alien" due to changing countries and because I'm greedy. I chose to rewatch the "Director's Cut", and without Googling, I really can't tell you the differences between it and the original theatrical release. Any additions or cuts are either so subtle that I missed them, or I've seen "Alien" so many times that I just wasn't paying enough attention. I think Veronica Cartwright slaps Sigourney Weaver in the "Director's Cut" but not in the original although, as far as I care, it might be the other way around. Whatever version of "Alien" you watch, it's still the same story.

Now I may well be a bit of an expert when it comes to horror movies purely due to the sheer number of them that I've watched over the years, but when it comes to science fiction, I usually couldn't care less about it. Yes, I know that the space ship in "Alien" is called the Nostromo and its crew are made up of some kind of "space truckers", but as for the little technical details about who they are working for or what happened between now and the future that the whole thing is set in, I have no idea. "Alien" is just a horror movie set in space as much as it matters to me. It could be the same scenario on a plane, a boat or set in a cabin in the woods, but it's still a slasher film with a big predatory monster doing all the killing rather than some deranged guy in a mask.

I also know that the alien itself was designed by H.R Giger, and although I'm not consciously familiar with anything else that the Swiss surrealist artist has done, I'd bet a ton of money on the fact that it was probably the best work he ever did. Giger's alien is now such a ridiculously iconic figure that the few glimpses that you actually have of it in "Alien" don't really matter. You know that it's something big and nasty with several sets of teeth and claws which is going to hurt you severely if you are stupid enough to get yourself caught by it.

If "Alien" has any flaws at all as a movie then it's simply the cliché of a group of people who should know better deciding to split up into smaller groups to try and track the monster down and kill it. That scenario had been done to death even before Ridley Scott had the genius idea to set the whole thing in space where "no one can hear you scream".

Of course, only a few years earlier, Steven Spielberg did much the same thing with "Jaws", but whereas his shark put people off going into the water, I've never had any yearning to become an astronaut and go alien hunting anyway. Therein lies a subtle distancing that might put a lot of people who hate science fiction off wanting to watch "Alien" in the first place. Since it's hardly another "Star Wars" or "Star Trek" filled with funny looking people with weird heads, you'd really be missing out on one of the scariest and most adrenaline pumping horror movies of all time if you dismissed this film so easily.

Some of the jump scares which worked for me initially have become almost comical over the years especially John Hurt's famous chestburster scene. It seems that when it was filmed, Veronica Cartwright had no idea what was going to happen and her response is as real as it gets. Personally, I hate spidery things so I was already quite anxious from the previous facehugger stuff, and it made me jump when I first saw it too. I was, however, quite relieved that it was a snaky thing and not another spider.

Here's an autographed picture I have of one of the most memorable moments in film:

I remember, back in the '80s, loads of people buying t-shirts with latex chestbursters hanging out of the front of them as what used to be one of the most frightening movie moments began to lose its impact somewhat. Darlene's choice of Hallowe'en costume from one of the "Roseanne" TV shows sums up exactly how most kids felt about it. Watching the chestburster scene now just has me on titter alert and I actually find the baby alien that pops out to be quite cute. How it shrieks and scuttles off now has quite the opposite effect on me to what was originally intended.

Other notable memories for me were obviously based round Sigourney Weaver's extremely ugly and far too small knickers. Watching "Alien" again as a fully grown adult doesn't really do the same things to me that it did when I was going through puberty. I still don't really like Ripley as a character until "Aliens" but can appreciate Veronica Cartwright in a much more sexual way instead.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. All the claustrophobic stalking and killing is what makes "Alien" special, and it's that which you really want to know about. Well, I'm not going to tell you about it because you just have to see it all for yourself and experience it. If the action scenes don't get your heart beating faster then you've simply been spoiled and burnt out by too many torture porn movies.

"Alien" is over 30 years old now, but I still recommend it as a horror movie that everyone should have in their collection. Try to forget all the sequels (except "Aliens") and wish that all the "AVP" nonsense had never happened because the original "Alien" is still one of the best horror films you will ever see.