Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

"In a stark desert landscape where humanity is broken, two rebels just might be able to restore order: Max, a man of action and of few words, and Furiosa, a woman of action who is looking to make it back to her childhood homeland."

Aw, fuck. Like many people, I was going to boycott "Mad Max: Fury Road" due to Mel Gibson not being in it, but curiosity got the better of me. And we all know what curiosity did to the cat, right?

Yeah, "Mad Mad: Fury Road" sucks and blows in so many ways that I can't even be bothered to type one of those "insightful" (the most overused word of the last two years on the internet, preceded by "egregious", and to a slightly lesser extent by "visceral") movie reviews which nobody expects from me anyway. I'm all about the bottom line, and so all I really have to say is that this movie lacks the most important aspect of any dramatic production—pathos.

What's the point of any movie where you don't care about any of the characters or what happens to them? There's absolutely none. For all of its spectacle, stunts, and explosive effects, "Mad Max Fury Road" doesn't have much of a story to tell and the characters are, ironically in a 3D movie, as flat as can be. It's so bad that I couldn't tell you any of their names, not that of the main bad guy or any of the good guys. If any of the "brides" in the movie actually have names, I don't remember hearing them mentioned. Even "Max" only says his name aloud once, presumably so we know that this is a real Mad Max movie rather than a clone.

Briefly, what we have here is a movie which looks the part of all the other Mad Max films but is ultimately a poor imitation of one. With so many years between "Mad Max Fury Road" and the previous sequel, it's not surprising. It's disappointing but definitely not surprising that this mess turned out the way it has. Yeah, it's like having your childhood shat on from a great height again, isn't it? It's not as bad as George Lucas taking a dump on "Indiana Jones" and "Star Wars", of course, nor is it as terrible as the plethora of lacklustre remakes which still keep happening, but this "revisiting" of Mad Max is certainly up there for people hellbent on wallowing in their own cesspit of rose-tinted nostalgia.

Without giving away too many spoilers (as if anyone cares), the story involves the new and even more laconic Max getting hooked up with a woman trying to take the leader of the bad guys' harem to a better "green place", only to discover that the place doesn't exist anymore and turn back again. Races, chases, guns, explosions, and PG-13 level violence, death, and blood abounds.

Faux Mel Gibson and some skinhead woman with a bionic arm made of Meccano.

"Mad Max Fury Road" is a very soft R-rated movie considering what might have been quite controversial subject matter, but punches are pulled in the usual ways, particularly in the confusing fight scenes where it's hard to tell who is doing what to who and there are never any satisfying pay-offs. Other than those scenes, the camerawork isn't bad at all, but as the stunts are the most important aspect, it's worth mentioning that the focus of the stunts is often lost amongst the "guzzoline punk" mayhem. In fairness, this is typical and stylistically equivalent to the classic Mad Max trilogy, except that the first movie only pulled its punches because of the budget.

Tom Hardy replacing Mel Gibson doesn't actually matter in the slightest when the movie is more focussed on as many automotive action sequences as can be crammed in than having a charismatic lead. Sparse as that role is, Mel would undoubtedly have made things a hundred times better and been a bigger name to sell the movie, but it's too late now. Added to this, Charlize Theron tends to steal what little show is on offer as Furiosa (whose character name I had to look up) by being yet another one of these "strong women" which I'm sure we'll keep on getting subjected to as long as filmmakers are swayed by the loudest whiners on the internet.

Let's be real here though, Tina Turner was a much stronger and more iconic character as Aunti Entity in "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" (1985), and whatever Furiosa is meant to embody (or "empower") is instantly forgettable. She's certainly no Ripley from the Alien movies. Oh, but Furiosa only has one arm, so let's get all the "ableist" arguments going to, shall we? Let's not. It's not worth it. "Mad Max Fury Road" is a big budget heap of nothing which simply isn't worth getting upset about one way or another.

I will just mention one thing to please the progressive-liberals and SJWs. I did notice that there weren't any black characters, unless I blinked and missed them. There are hordes of ultra white and sickly-looking "war boys" (who seem to have escaped from Derek Jarman's "Sebastiane"), however, but as I'm supposedly a "privileged white male" (or whatever the fuck that bullshit label is meant to mean for someone as poor as me with no welfare benefits available), I don't care about them either. Tina Turner was the best part of "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome", so shut the fuck up!

Since "Mad Max Fury Road" was written and directed by George Miller, I suppose I'll have to live with the fact that it really is a legitimate continuation of the Mad Max story whether I liked it or not. Having said that, I'll certainly never buy it on Blu-ray or ever watch it again. Right now, I wish I hadn't watched it in the first place.

Alison's Birthday (1981)

"A young girl is subjected to a reign of terror so that her soul can be transferred to the body of an old crone."

After an interesting and violent start, "Alison's Birthday" turned into such a boring, slow-paced Australian soap opera that I initially thought I wouldn't make it through to the end. I love Australian soap operas though (and I've seen far worse horror movies) so I endured the lag and decided to review it for you.

In many ways, "Alison's Birthday" reminded me a little bit of "Rosemary's Baby" (1968), "Crowhaven Farm" (1970), and several more recent girlie American horrors including "I've Been Waiting for You" (1998) and "The Haunting of Molly Hartley" (2008).

The overused scenario wasn't original even back in 1981 and I could pull up huge lists of "teenagers inheriting their evil birthright" or "girls destined to be sacrificed to the Devil" movies which go right back to 1940s. Although I'd guarantee that you wouldn't be all that interested in most of them, I just thought I'd mention this fact quickly so nobody gets the wrong idea about "Alison's Birthday" being an influence on anything except, perhaps, for its ending which predates "The Skeleton Key" (2005). The thing is that they are all reworkings of the "Snow White" fairytale and I think we've all had enough of that for this year.

The actress who played Alison, Joanne Samuel, who you'll definitely know from playing Jessie in the original "Mad Max" (1979), wasn't bad looking even though she was dressed like a reject from "Prisoner: Cell Block H" for the creepiest parts of the film. I've never understood the appeal of dungarees (and even less the "passion killing" nightdress) but I suppose something had to be done to make a 24 year old look like a teenager. The "blink and you'll miss it" bikini scene on the beach would have destroyed that illusion except that the camera concentrated on Alison's face rather than her body.

Alison faded into the background around 50 minutes in as her boyfriend, Peter, played by Lou Brown, picked up the pace with a failed rescue attempt, his inquiries into her past, and the discovery via his extremely gorgeous Occultist friend (whose name I can't remember but I think was played by Lisa Peers) that Alison was destined to play a very unwilling part in an ancient Celtic ritual.

In pre-internet days, people actually used to have to look things up in books. I found the various clichéd expositions both nostalgic and refreshing after seeing the trope changed to "Google searches" so many times more recently. It was done rather well and gave an even more sinister backstory to what was all rather predictable otherwise.

Brian Wenzel (aka Sergeant Frank Gilroy from "A Country Practice") turned up a couple of times as, surprise, surprise, a uniformed cop, but he wasn't the only recognisable face from Australian television. People used to joke that Australia only had about a dozen actors who would appear in everything and it was very true back in the day.

Even though the denouement reeked of "Salem's Lot" (1979), it got quite exciting for a few seconds and I actually got quite concerned for the characters. I was only half-expecting the downbeat ending so I got a little bit of a surprise. I'm glad it went that way rather than the alternative.

"Alison's Birthday" wasn't a particularly good horror movie. It wasn't scary and didn't have enough of the paranoid, claustrophobic atmosphere of the predecessors which it borrowed from to make it stand out. As for suspense, the little bit of tension created by Alison's upcoming birthday party was ruined by the pacing and a distinct lack of the feeling of impending doom. I didn't hate the movie but it really wasn't anything more than average at best.

Lake Mungo (2008)

"When a series of inexplicable supernatural events strikes their home, Russell (David Pledger) and June (Rosie Traynor) Palmer try to figure out exactly what is behind the tragic drowning death of Alice (Talia Zucker), their 16-year-old daughter."

Having seen quite a few people recommending "Lake Mungo" on Reddit over the last couple of weeks, I thought I'd better have a look at it myself before it got removed from Netflix even though I knew I was going to be disappointed.

Mockumentaries are a difficult thing to pull off as they either have to be done so well that you think that they are real documentaries or so ridiculously that they become parodies. "Lake Mungo", in spite of its amusing name, went for the straight approach but still lost me within the first twenty minutes. If it had been a comedy though, it would have lost me a lot sooner than that.

I didn't find it scary and it had the stilted timing of the BBC's "Ghostwatch" (1992) about it which made it feel even faker than it already was. It didn't fool me for a second, but if it was shown on regular TV and you accidentally flicked onto it, you might be sucked in a bit more.

The biggest problem for me was that the main characters were too calm and composed considering that they were supposed to be a grief stricken family. The acting wasn't completely awful, but I found it odd that there just wasn't a lot of emotion to it. Although the Australian uptalking occasionally made statements sound like questions, the performances bordered on being flat and bland.

There were more than a couple of genuinely creepy moments which were a lot better than either of the "Paranormal Activity" films, and the dead girl played by Talia Zucker from "Neighbours" (not that I'd admit to watching that anymore) was very attractive.

The slight twist in the middle with Alice's brother (Martin Sharpe) admitting to having set up some additional fakery almost led me to a completely different conclusion than what was apparently intended, and I couldn't let that idea go in spite of the further revelations which followed. I'm still not entirely sure about why Alice died, if it was murder or suicide, or who was involved even after watching the film twice over.

I'll give "Lake Mungo" credit for being quite a neat idea, but this is one of those times when I think that the rumoured remake could actually turn out to be better.

Patrick (1978)

"A comatose hospital patient harasses and kills though his powers of telekinesis to claim his private nurse as his own."

I heard an unsubstantiated rumour a few years ago that "Patrick" was going to be remade, but I've still yet to find any information about it. Hopefully nobody remakes this Aussie classic as I am quite fond of it.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said the main reason that I like this film so much is anything other than the presence of Susan Penhaligon in it. As far as the story goes, I prefer "The Medusa Touch" (1978) which had a bigger budget and many more memorable scenes even though Richard Burton's performance was undeniably wooden in places.

Having said that, Robert Thompson as Patrick couldn't be more intentionally wooden himself. He's in a kind of coma for one thing albeit with his eyes open. If that isn't creepy enough for you, he has telepathic powers and has a crush on his new nurse, Kathy Jacquard (Susan Penhaligon). I can't fault any of that for a moment.

"Patrick" is slightly predictable in that the action, when it happens, is somewhat telegraphed, but there's occasionally a nice amount of suspense with it. Some very good characters and overly serious acting keep it all entertaining, but I'm the first to admit that it's arguably all quite ridiculous really. That never stopped anyone enjoying "Carrie" (1976) though.

It's all eerie stuff with quite a few bizarre moments. If I say any more, it'll ruin it for you but "Patrick" is very adult and not some cheesy low-budget nonsensel. It'll even make you think about some controversial subjects if you are in the right frame of mind.

One warning I'll give you is that if you are at all fond of frogs then you'd better not watch this. There is a very cruel scene which isn't fake. Personally, I can't stand reptiles or amphibians (though I've eaten both), so it didn't really bother me.

My only big criticism of "Patrick" is that it's often a little bit slow and, unfortunately, boring for a modern audience. Although it looks cheap (and it was), if you give it a chance, you'll probably enjoy it.

Black Water (2007)

"A terrifying tale of survival in the mangrove swamps of Northern Australia."

This is just a quick one as there is only so much I can say about a crocodile menacing three Aussies stuck up a tree for 89 minutes.

With lots of suspense, only a few moments where things lag, and very few but effective appearances by the crocodile itself, "Black Water" is one of the best crocodile movies that I've seen for a long time (possibly ever). Based very loosely on "true events" but starring real crocodiles rather than some nasty CGI, this film was very highly recommended to me.

I didn't really like the characters all that much apart from Grace, played by Diana Glenn, and even she annoyed me a couple of times. The most irritating however was final girl Lee, who, interestingly, was played by the real-life girlfriend of Sam Worthington from the other slightly less entertaining Australian crocodile movie of 2007, "Rogue". Maeve Dermody may be nice to look at but her accent was so thick and guttural when she shouted that it was like having a large rake dragged down a chalkboard. Her character needed to be slapped on several occasions too but nobody did it which was frustrating.

Overall, I still enjoyed "Black Water" though it could have been a lot gorier to please my sicker tastes. I know there were some obvious budgetary constraints as this film appears to have been made with a $700,000 grant from the Australian Film Commission. I'm forced to just accept that what they did was adequate for most people but a lot more thrashing, churning, screaming and blood-spurting everywhere surely wouldn't have cost them any extra. At least it was still rated R for "terror/violence and language".

If you enjoy films such as "Open Water" and "Frozen" then you'll like this. The believability of the predicament and use of tension more than make up for the lack of physical action and it's a thoroughly engrossing story even though it isn't actually true. I have, however, rated it as "Just Average" not because of any objectively assessed technical deficiencies but due to my own purely subjective taste.

The Loved Ones (2009)

"When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge."

I have to admit that I'd never even heard of "The Loved Ones" until my Australian friend started posting things about it. In my defence, I don't think Australia has ever been known for a producing a lot of horror films and even Wikipedia only lists forty-four of them (some of which aren't really horror at all). When Australia does horror it can either be very bad or very good unlike Canadian horror, for instance, which dips and rises just around the average level every time. If you've never seen an Australian horror film before in your life then, firstly, shame on you, and, secondly, prepare yourself to either love it or hate it as there really is no inbetween. Aussies, in general, have a similar sick sense of humour to Brits which is often quite a brutal surprise to Americans. I also don't think I've ever seen an Australian movie of any kind yet which conforms to Hollywood derived formulas.

The only recent movie that I can think of which has a similar look and feel to it as "The Loved Ones" is the British "Mum & Dad" (2008). Both were funded with some kind of arts grant and so you can be sure that the creativity involved far outweighs the budget. Even so, neither of these films suffer from the piss-poor shaky-cams of low-budget American independents and have very high production values. Basically, "The Loved Ones" is all about having a good story with lots of tension and decent practical effects. Yeah, old school horror movie making at its best.

The only thing which "The Loved Ones" shares with the American nasties is that you won't have heard of anyone involved in it. Unless you are a Twihard then Xavier Samuel, who plays the lead here, won't even be familiar to you as Riley from "Eclipse". In fact he looks so completely different that you won't even think it was the same actor anyway. The rest of the cast have all been around the Australian TV circuit including the soaps, so you won't know who any of them are either. I find all this anonymity very refreshing, but I don't think Robin McLeavy, who plays Lola, will stay hidden away for much longer. She's fantastic.

The acting is incredibly well done overall. Although all of the characters are either a bit quirky or just downright demented, I didn't spot a weak performance anywhere. It's all played reasonably straight even if there are quite a few intentionally amusing moments and the whole thing is a very black comedy anyway. "The Loved Ones" has a slightly lighter feel to it than "Mum & Dad", but it's still pretty gruesome and twisted. It really is difficult to place into a niche as it isn't as ridiculous as any of Peter Jackson's stuff (and, yes, I do know he's a Kiwi), but it's not as mean-spirited as Sam Raimi's earlier work either. Some scenes do homage both these directors, although it really is an homage and not a blatant rip-off.

I'm sure there'll be a few people who will claim "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" inspired a lot of the scenes too and I can agree with them to a point. If you are going to have any kind of twisted murderous family set-up in a movie then obviously there will be similarities to others in the same subgenre. But just as "Mum & Dad" had more in common with the real life serial killers Fred and Rosemary West than "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" so, too, "The Loved Ones" has undoubtedly been inspired by some of the even more incredible true crimes that have been revealed in the last few years. Abduction and torture are nothing new to the horror genre anyway. No matter how much "torture porn" you've seen, "The Loved Ones" is still something a little bit different.

Before I give away the plot even more than the trailer already does, I need to mention a couple of specific things that stood out for me. The first is the sex scene between Xavier Samuel and Victoria Thaine. If you've already seen "The Loved Ones" then you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from with this. All I'm going to say is "moles" and "razor blade round his neck". To those of you who haven't seen this yet but have seen a certain "Austin Powers" movie, just have a nice long twig at the ready. Yes, I found this scene very distracting but not in the way it was probably intended. If the words, "Bite it off!" escape your lips at any point then you are coming with me straight to Hell, okay?

Second, although I can almost tie up the subplot with Richard Wilson and hot goth chick Jessica McNamee as a kind of nicer parallel to the more horrific events that were going on, I wanted all the characters to come together at the end and I was waiting for something that never happened. The more I think about it, the cleverer it all gets because the story didn't take that too predictable route but maybe it should have done. If there is a flaw then that is it but without the subplot there wouldn't have been some important details filled in either. I'm still undecided on whether it really worked or not.

Anyway, I actually think that "The Loved Ones" is one of the best Australian horror movies that I've seen for a long time. Don't even try to compare it to the crap that was "Wolf Creek" because you don't have to wait until the film is almost over for the action to kick-off here. When things start happening they don't really let up. The "torture porn" elements are far more brutal than anything in the "Hostel" movies, even if most of the real grisliness occurs off camera.

I'm happy to rate "The Loved Ones" as a definite 8 out of 10 based on nothing but the sheer pleasure it gave me to watch it. I always feel that it's a bit of a cop out when people say things like, "Yeah, it was bad but very entertaining" and rate an utterly worthless film higher than it should be just because they have no taste or discernment. "The Loved Ones" is not in that category at all, even if it is a teeny bit superficial. "The Loved Ones" is a film that horror fans will really enjoy because it's actually good, is very well made, and is a quality product all round.

Incidentally, God only knows how Bloody-Disgusting got a mention on the trailer as "The Loved Ones" is a good film, has nothing to do with Platinum Dunes, and doesn't deserve that kiss of death at all. If you've started to ignore recent releases because of biased internet reviewers then stick with everyone in the Horror Blogger Alliance. None of us are paid to review horror movies, we just do it because it's our passion.

I can't honestly say that "The Loved Ones" is particularly scary, and I must admit that I fancied Robin McLeavy a lot more than I really should have but, for the sheer harrowing and inventive brutality, I absolutely loved it. It's not going to make me scared of visiting Australia (the enormous deadly spiders they have there is already enough!) in the way that the "Hostel" films tried to make everyone xenophobic about Europe, but it's certainly going to make me keep an eye on the Australian horror movie scene in case another gem like this ever pops up in the future.