The Neon Demon (2016)

"When aspiring model Jesse moves to Los Angeles, her youth and vitality are devoured by a group of beauty-obsessed women who will take any means necessary to get what she has."

Imagine, if you will, "Zoolander" without the intentional comedy, or "Starry Eyes" without the horror. Got those fixed in your mind? Good. That's pretty much what "The Neon Demon" is, but it's not as good as either of them. In fact, it's just not good.

There are two major problems with "The Neon Demon" which render it absolutely worthless even for the Millennial dripsters who would normally gush over similar products. First, it's slower than molasses going uphill in January. Second, Elle Fanning has neither the looks, height, or demeanour to be a fashion model. The latter would make the whole movie unintentionally hilarious, but for the fact that it's also tedious as shit.

If this movie is really supposed to be a horror movie, Nicolas Winding Refn has no idea what a horror movie should be. Granted, it's a horrible movie, but there are no scares, no surprises, and not really much of anything of interest once you take out the mildly titillating lesbianism and necrophilia.

While boobs and blood used to be all that was needed for a movie to qualify for the genre, things have moved on a bit in the rest of the real world. Audiences now like subtle things such as a compelling story and decent characterisation too, neither of which you'll find here.

As "The Neon Demon" is contrived to be very Elle Fanning-centric, it's a pity that she doesn't have the "X Factor" or any screen presence whatsoever. As a girl-next-door type, I'm sure Elle has her devoted, horndog fans, but based on her performance in this movie, I'm not likely to ever be one of them. It's hard to tell if her acting is good, bad, or horrendous because every character in "The Neon Demon" is unlikable and seems to be affected by some kind of Asperger's Syndrome anyway.

Keanu Reeves stands out in his two minutes of screentime, but he's last-billed for good reason. In what can only be described as an extended cameo where he's still channelling John Wick, he's not much more than a miserable so-and-so, albeit with all the best lines. I would say more, but I've already written more words than his character has. If you're a big Keanu mark and want to see "The Neon Demon" purely because he's in it, be prepared to be disappointed.

If you're looking for a movie which satirises the fashion industry, you would obviously be better off with "Zoolander" or even the unfairly maligned "Zoolander 2" (which is almost as great as the first one). Sadly, "Showgirls" did all the seedy stuff better many years ago, and both "Eat" and "Starry Eyes" did the horror properly.

I was asked if I had seen this movie last night, and my reply was, "Seen it, hated it." That doesn't make for much of a critique, but it's all that really needs to be said when anyone mentions this pretentious arthouse crap in future. I wasn't even going waste my time reviewing it because, like most new movies, it's not worth the effort of sitting through in the first place, but I suppose I've done it now. "The Neon Demon" is complete and utter shit.

The Witch (2015)

"A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic and possession."

Agin my better reckoning, having travailed a vast ocean, I didst watcheth "The Witch". Hearken now, kindred, for the pure and faithful dispensation of mine own findings concerning this motion picture, if my conscience seeith fit to do so.

"The Witch" cannot be judged by false horror fanatics, as 'tis a work of the Devil himself to doeth so. 'Staid, thou must abandoneth prideful conceit to appreciate the lacketh of jump-scares, naked dugs, and blood herein this narrative which relieth on nothing save a thing called atmosphere. 'Tis not that such evils be not containeth in "The Witch", but blinketh and thou shalt miss them. Dost thou sayest contrarily, thou might be witched!

Verily, Colonnials wilt require subtitles to understandeth the strangeness of the Puritan accents. As anyone who doth hail from South of the Gap of Watford wilt testify, 'tis an ungodly language akin to the sounds of tupping beasts and 'twill be most unpleasant to thine ears. Shouldst thou walkest out of thy movie theatre with thy mind befuddled by gibberish, thou wilt assuredly not be the only one.

Fair Mistress Anya Taylor-Joy doth steal every scene.

If the deep Northern English tone of Master Ralph Ineson playing Master William dost not set thy nerves on edge, thou might be assuaged by the comeliness of Mistress Anya Taylor-Joy as Mistress Thomasin. Mistress Thomasin art a maiden who playeth on the Sabbath and breaketh all of God's commandments. She knoweth in her shame that she deserveth everlasting 'ellfire, yet has the fairest aspect and golden locks of an angel. Aye, there's the rub.

'Tis oft the case that a fair maiden dost hideth a secret evil, and verily, "The Witch" doth make much of this trope. Attempting to turneth it on its head to please the Warriors of Social Justice who would liken the subtext to a fallacious theorem called "feminism", doth not hold yet a pail of water carried on thy head. Such unmanly posturings haveth no place in this story which reinforceth the traditional superstitions of the patriarchy and doth not seek to quell them. Dost thou wish to oppose that contrarily with a gnashing of thy teeth? Soft now! Thou shouldst asketh thy goat!

Comely Mistress Sarah Stephens beest in it for nought but five minutes.

Mistress Sarah Stephens beest a more comely wench as the young seductive version of the evil witch in the woods, but her time on screen must be sparse. Nay, not as sparse as the complete lack of a witch in "The Blair Witch Project" (1999), but she dost not speak lest the vowels of her native Australian tongue giveth away that she be nought more than a Victoria's Secret model cast only for her titillating fairness. Thus, of all the maidens in "The Witch", Mistress Sarah beest the fairest to behold. 'Tis not only Master Harvey Scrimshaw as Master Caleb who wilt be fascinated by her countenance and come-hither bosom.

Adam's sin have been imputed to all, and a corrupt nature dwelling within, the cast doeth marvellous well with what they have to travail with. Likewise, the cinematography deserveth to be praised for its pridefulness but cannot be due to its oft-times darkness. Doeth the flaws outweigh the good? The opinion beeth by the sword divideth, and there be no consensus among them that art not afflicted by the pox. 'Tis God alone not Man who can tell thee.

Nay, there beest not cats in this film of witches.

Amidst blighted crops, addled eggs, goats bleeding instead of squirting milk from their teats, and with its grief-stricken protagonists in financial crisis, "The Witch" beest more akin to an analogy of modern life in the still recession-hit Colonies rather thanst the historical supernatural tale which it trieth so hard to tell. 'Tis hard to judge if that beest Master Robert Eggar's intent or not, since 'twas all filmed in Canada. There beest irony aplenty in that detail for thee if the Devil hold not fast thine eyelids.

Setteth in New England but filmeth in Ontario, "The Witch" looketh the part marvellous well yet falleth short on historical accuracy. Truly, 'tis most odd that in a story of witches, there beest no cats! Even a raven supping from a bloodied teat cannot be substitute for a feline familiar, and thou wouldst be smitten from the fermented juice of windfalls to suggest 'totherwise.

Master Robert Eggars hast been ambitious yet too pretentious, and "The Witch" cannot find favour in the eyes and ears of its target audience who didst squander over ninety minutes of their lives being bent out of grace by this arthouse drivel. Writers of Colonnial pulp horror fiction such as auld Master Stephen King ignoreth this problem, and 'tis clear that Master Brian Keene mayeth just be too stupid to understandeth anything.

How much wood doth a woodchop chop if a woodchop doth chop wood?

Here beest spoilers:

For thy scares, there art a stolen unbaptised baby who dost get killed to maketh an unguent for levitation, a dead dog dost get found, a bewitched pubescent boy falleth foul of the art of fascination, and there beest much communing of twin children with the Devil in the form of a goat named Black Phillip (voiced byeth Wahab Chaudhry). Everyone in the accursed family, save the fair Mistress Thomasin, dost dieth.

Although there beest blood hereth and thereth, "The Witch" hast no lashings of gore to speaketh of, and most audiences will be boredeth off their dugs.

Spoilers endeth.

Shouldst thou be looking to be afeared of a moving picture with nought but the talking of goats and wood-chopping Northerners, verily, "The Witch" beest the moving picture for thee.

I shall now take my leave and be glad on it.

American Horror Story: Coven

"A young girl, Zoe, is shattered to discover she possesses a strange genetic affliction tracing back to the dark days of Salem. Zoe is whisked away to Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, a mysterious school in New Orleans devoted to safeguarding the few remaining descendants who share this unique bloodline. Harboring a secret agenda, Fiona Goode, the most powerful witch of their generation, returns to town, reigniting old rivalries with the Coven's deadly enemies, the Voodoo."

"American Horror Story" is back with a third season! Meh. To be honest, I've been so caught up in horror movie reviews that I'd forgotten it even existed. I rarely watch television anyway if I can possibly help it.

Although I didn't like the second season as much as the first, and I didn't know they'd made another one until it suddenly appeared last night, I felt duty bound to at least watch the first episode and ogle Sarah Paulson. I'll not be watching any more until I can buy the whole thing on DVD because I loathe commercial breaks with every fibre of my being.

If "Coven" isn't enough of a clue for you, the oh-so-witty title of the first episode—"Bitchcraft"—reveals that this season is all about witches. Think of it as "The Craft" meets "Harry Potter" meets "Suspiria" meets "The Skeleton Key" with lots more pop-culture witchcraft references thrown in for nerds on message boards to feel clever about spotting. As it's set in New Orleans, it's probably also going to have a ton of Anne Rice stuff in it which I'm never likely to notice.

The biggest news is that Kathy Bates has joined the ensemble cast as the notorious serial killer Delphine LaLaurie, who is so "notorious" that I had to use Google to find out who she was. Call me ignorant if you like, but I don't know anything about famous American witches other than the place name of the Salem witch trials, and I could count the serial killers I've heard of on the fingers of one hand. Neither is really my thing. Aside from what I've learned from movies, I have about as much interest in witches, serial killers, or American history as I have in sticking an unpeeled orange up my arse.

As far as I can tell from one episode and the trailers, "Coven" looks like it's going to be a taco fiesta, In other words, it's severely lacking in any male characters who aren't disposable. Evan Peters turned up just to be killed off (thank you!), but with the knowledge that Lily Rabe's character can resurrect the dead (even though she was killed off too!), he's bound to return. Be prepared to see your Twitter feed explode with angry trending Tweets from Evan Peters' tweenage fangirls if he doesn't!

Obviously, my least favourite horror clique in the world are already stomping their little feet with glee and squealing about "Girl Power", and that's more than enough to put most horror fans off "Coven". But let them have their moment away from making sandwiches because you can guarantee that very bad things are going to happen to the witches in this show. One of them (played by Emma Roberts) has already been gang-raped by frat boys, another burnt at the stake, and I can easily predict the poetic justice that will end Jessica Lange's career as a "Supreme" witch. I'm thinking it will be the same as the end of Hammer's "She" (1965) but with better effects.

For those who stay with it, "Coven" promises to be another mixture of unpolitically correct dialogue and MA-14 situations which push the limits of what the TV censors normally allow. Based on previous seasons, I highly doubt that there will be any taboo subject which is too distasteful for them to cover, especially as the return of the Down Syndrome girl from the first season and the morbidly obese star of "Precious" (2009) complete this Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk freakshow. Hopefully, there'll actually be some horror in it this time too!

"American Horror Story: Coven" will air every Wednesday on FX at 10pm. Check out the official website for further details.

Curandero (2005)

"A journey that takes one man into the bowels of black magic in Mexico City."

While I was out taking my thousands of empty Monster cans to the recycling bin, I decided to have a quick look at the new releases in Target and came across this little gem. By "gem", however, I do actually mean "an obscure 8 year old former Miramax/Dimension title which has finally been released by Lionsgate".

Fearing the worst of any DVD with the words "Robert Rodriguez presents" on its artwork, I didn't buy a copy of it but waited until I got home again to watch it online. It's not directed by Robert Rodriguez (nor is its real director Eduardo Rodriguez any relation to him) so I figured it would be worth a "rental".

Set in a similar grainy-looking, washed-out world as "Borderland" (2007) but played like a gorier mixture of "Constantine" (2005) and "Night Watch/Day Watch" (2004/2006), "Curandero" is very much a product of that time and tries hard to be another cult action-horror. If it hadn't been for those other movies and all the financial shenanigans at Miramax, it may have succeeded back then too.

The characters are actually quite good although very similar to the heroes and villains of Timur Bekmambetov's adaptations of Sergei Lukyanenko's "Dozor" tetralogy. Carlos the charismatic curandero isn't a million miles away from being Anton Gorodetsky from "Night Watch" complete with hallucinations, and his enemy Castaneda (Gabriel Pingarrón) is really only a far more spiteful version of Zavulon. Castaneda is almost as nasty a piece of work as any of the narcosatanicos in "Borderland" but without the good looks of Santillian.

Carlos Gallardo and Gizeht Galatea

Even the plot is quite similar to "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" with a "chosen one", lots of magic in a modern day urban setting, and some scenes which look almost identical. A certain chase through a market only needs "The Gloom" for it to be lifted straight from "Day Watch". It's a chicken and the egg conundrum as to which really came first given the date of this movie.

With hardly anything explained as you go along, nothing is handed to you on a plate immediately. Everything is explained eventually so just bear with it. I like this way of storytelling, but it was a major criticism of "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" from the hard of understanding crowd who tried to cover their ignorance by using words like "foreign mythology" in their reviews when that wasn't really the problem. Suffice it to say that none of these movies have any traditional mythology except that which has been invented for the story itself. Huge exposition scenes may be lacking, but since nobody does exposition properly anymore, that's another good thing.

There's lots of gore, a very Mexican colour palette which you will either love or hate, and a very beautiful heroine in the form of Gizeht Galatea as federal agent Magdalena. The partnership between Magdalena and Carlos is so like that of Olivia (Anna Torv) and Peter (Joshua Jackson) from "Fringe" that I wouldn't put it past J.J. Abrams and his team not to have taken some inspiration from this movie. Oh, yes, there are subtitles too so thickies need not apply.

My only problem with "Curandero" is that the pacing is a little bit quick over the ground. It's no worse than "Constantine", but I could quite happily have watched another hour of the same characters doing their thing. The effects are great, but the characters would certainly have benefited from some more fleshing out (no pun intended).

I highly recommend "Curandero" if you are looking for something slightly formulaic but a bit different. It's not really worth the new release price, but you can watch it online for $3.99 and probably find it in a Redbox kiosk.

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

"Ethan longs to escape his small Southern town. He meets a mysterious new girl, Lena. Together, they uncover dark secrets about their respective families, their history and their town."

Based on the "acclaimed bestseller" that I've never heard of, "Beautiful Creatures" is yet another bland teen romance meant to fill the gap left by "Twilight". Apparently, it has bombed at the box office, but I decided to watch it anyway because I'm a masochist like that. It's not as if there's anything else related to the horror genre to see right now. We're still over a month away from the "Evil Dead" remake and whatever dubious joys it may bring to the table.

Although "Beautiful Creatures" is overlong, a bit slow, and contains too much exposition instead of action, with a $60,000,000 budget there's plenty to look at this film especially the hot actresses, Alice Englert and Emmy Rossum as Lena Duchannes and Ridley Duchannes respectively. If you're a lot older, even Emma Thompson looks nice with her shoulders bared. I still like her anyway.

Green screen effects were allegedly kept to a minimum with a lot of practical effects such as the changing colours of Macon's living room and the spinning dinner table being highlights. I'm no expert, but I'm certain that a lot more was enhanced afterwards. When it comes to the obligatory magic lightning bolts trickling out of fingertips though, "Beautiful Creatures" doesn't contain the worst examples.

Like theatrical releases should be, it's beautifully filmed, looks the part in nearly every way, and even the CGI is acceptable when it happens. Thus, "Beautiful Creatures" certainly lives up to its title. In other ways, not so much, but I'll come to them by and by.

Hot sexy witch. 'Nuff said.

The biggest problem is that "Beautiful Creatures" really is all about how it looks. The story is too messy, obviously conflated from a piece of literature which must be even more character driven, and is instantly forgettable. In fact, it's rather tedious even if you are into romance. Despite a promising start, it soon becomes "Southern American Cliché: The Movie" with bad accents and every available teen movie trope other than farting for comic effect lifted from something better. At one point, I thought it was going to turn into "Footloose"!

Given the lack of risk taking in Hollywood (or Summit/Lionsgate) at the moment, I almost want to let the lack of originality slide as something which we've all become far too used to, but I can't. Due to the nature of the movies I usually watch, I immediately noticed that the most important plot point about choosing between light and dark borrows heavily from "Night Watch" (2004). There are even moments when the protagonists step into "the gloom" to discuss things or do battle outside the world as perceived by mortals. If that isn't enough to create the stench of plagiarism, the cursed "coming of age" cliché has been done to death by nearly every trendy supernatural drama since the 1970s. Depending on your era, if you've seen "Alison's Birthday", "The Craft" or "The Covenant", there's nothing new here.

With its credible acting, witty moments of dialogue and genuine attempts at characterisation, "Beautiful Creatures" probably isn't a bad movie if you're twelve or younger and haven't seen anything else like it. It may be possible to actually care about the smart-talking characters, think they're kind of cool and hope that love will conquer all at the end, but anyone older isn't going to be so easily pleased or lenient even given the internal logic of the fantasy itself. Let's face it, witches and wizards aren't real, never have been, and never will be. The whole premise of the film is undoubtedly silly and, in my opinion, would have worked better as a more obvious '80s-style comedy. Please note that I say that as someone who detests comedies.

"I hope you kids are using protection."

The story is a horrible mixture of being contrived and timid at the same time albeit with a couple of scenes which push the boundaries regarding underage sex. The twenty-four year old Alden Ehrenreich (as Ethan) and nineteen year old Alice Englert (Lena) aren't that convincing at acting younger than their ages in spite of valiant efforts to do so. The whole relationship between Ethan and Lena suggests paedophilia (or statutory rape) in no uncertain terms. Not that any of us necessarily want to see them bumping uglies on screen, but cutting to a sign burning in the background at one point like something out of the 1950s is also likely to incite more groans from the audience in displeasure than anything else.

Unlike "Twilight", these "kids" can't wait to lose their cherries. But if you're going to show "teenagers" getting it on then show it! And if you're going to get us excited about Emmy Rossum walking around in a black négligée at least be nice enough to provide a money shot after she's been writhing on a blanket with a sickly looking youth! If there's one thing crucial to a story in this genre, it's a deflowering or two! Given the PG-13 rating, obviously that doesn't happen. I have no idea if it happens in the book either although I assume it does since normal teenagers rarely read books aimed at their age group unless there's something saucy in them. I'm sure they won't miss the insinuation of incest between Macon and Sarafine either. I don't want to digress too much so I'll get on my soapbox about the pointlessness of "YT" horror fiction another time.

"Stop! In the name of love... before you break my heart..."

I'm not sure how to fit this into my critique, but I really need to hop on my soapbox for a moment about something else in "Beautiful Creatures" which bugged the Hell out of me (no pun intended): the depiction of Christians. Since they are made out to be a bunch of small town puritans with hillbilly superstitions, could the writing really be any lazier? And could this feeble clichéd jibe be an indication of a much bigger problem behind the scenes of the media as we know it? I'm not going to push this any further, but it's something to think about. I'd say the agenda was more in the mind of the authors, Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, than director Richard LaGravenese, but either way, it's lame. In a book or movie about witches though, you have to have something wrong with you to be attracted to this guff in the first place.

Suspending your disbelief about immortal witches (instead of vampires or werewolves) isn't the only hard part. If you're American, the plethora of fake Southern accents in "Beautiful Creatures" will definitely drive you insane. They are even harsher and less intelligible to British ears especially when delivered from the mouths of the very British Jeremy Irons and Emma Thompson. Through no fault of his own, Jeremy Irons makes my flesh crawl at the best of times even when he isn't trying to sound like Foghorn Leghorn.

Other cast members are more in the background apart from the better looking of the stereotypical clique of "popular girls", Zoey Deutch, who deserves to go further. I can't wait to see her in "Vampire Academy: Blood Sisters" next year. I'm not sure who Viola Davis is because I've never knowingly seen her in anything else, but apparently it's kind of a big deal having her in this movie. Thomas Mann, who plays Link, was also in "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" recently, but Pruitt Taylor Vince, Eileen Atkins and Kyle Gallner are almost completely wasted in their bit parts. It's not worth going through any more of the actors because you won't have heard of them and are unlikely to see them in anything else. Having said that, you barely get to see any of them here either. You do get to see massive CGI thunderstorms instead though.

I love excessive, big budget wastes of money like this because it almost justifies the price of the ticket. I'd rather pay $10 to see something with high production values than the same amount for some half-arsed camcorder crap no matter what the subject matter may be. Unfortunately, "Beautiful Creatures" isn't all explosions, bangs, and the kind of spectacle which makes for a true cinematic experience. It has its moments, but it's mostly a drawn-out romantic drama with a kind of "Harry Potter" aesthetic and dialogue which wouldn't be out of place in "Jennifer's Body", "Juno" or some other pop-culture reference filled piece of pseudo-hipsterishness for little girls.

My advice is to wait for this to come out on DVD and then rent it.

The Ninth Gate (1999)

"A rare book dealer, while seeking out the last two copies of a demon text, gets drawn into a conspiracy with supernatural overtones."

Nine days left until Hallowe'en so it's time for "The Ninth Gate". See what I did there? Don't worry, it probably won't happen again. I doubt that I'll ever rewatch "The Ninth Gate" anytime soon either.

I'm not a Johnny Depp fan and find it kind of disgusting to watch somebody with $200,000,000 and their own island playing a part which absolutely anyone could have done just as well. I know his fizzog sells plenty of movies, but I find him overrated. Johnny Depp sort of reminds me of somebody I used to work with who had the same stupid little beard and reeked of body odour so, unfairly, I imagine him to be much the same.

I'm not going to get all moral on you but seeing Johhny Depp romp around naked with Roman Polanski's younger wife also makes me feel nauseous. Given Roman Polanski's criminal history, it's no surprise that his wife is half his age, but it's still weird to see her used in this way. I suppose she wanted to do it, but it's not right.

As you probably know, Johnny Depp plays the part of a "book detective" who gets hired to track down the last copies of a Satanic tome. With a neo-noir feel to the story, he's reminiscent of Mickey Rourke in "Angel Heart" to some extent. His employer, Boris Balkan (Frank Langella), is hardly Lucifer in disguise, but there are superficial similarities.

I'm not sure if the intention was to rework the "Angel Heart" storyline because I only listened to a few parts of the director's commentary on the DVD. I do know that "The Ninth Gate" was based on a novel about something less Satanic with an ending which faded out in a way that made it almost impossible to conclude satisfactorily here either. Kudos for at least trying to wrap things up, but after nearly two hours of watching a mystery unfold, it was still weak.

The standout for me is Lena Olin who plays Liana Telfer as one of the more truly vicious femmes fatales that I've seen for ages. Not only is she extremely hot but sinister with it. Corso (Johnny Depp) describes her as "dishy", but scary and mad as a bag of cats would also apply. She's certainly got claws and she bites!

It's amusing that so many rich characters in "The Ninth Gate" are all into collecting old books about witchcraft. It's yet another thing for the conspiracy theorists who drag up even though though it's just a trope. Considering the elaborate measures many of the bibliophiles take to safely store their treasures, the rough treatment which the Satanic book that they are all chasing receives is also unintentionally comical. I can't think of any book dealers who would handle such a valuable item without gloves, and I highly doubt that they would smoke all over it or press it onto a photocopier.

Roman Polanski's wife, Emmanuelle Seigner, who plays "The Girl" or "Green Eyes" does a fine job as a demonic sidekick even though her role is never truly explained. Whether she is saving Corso from destruction or leading him to his destiny is flawed thoughout the story. Ultimately, she's there to encourage his bad side, but it's complicated and open to too much interpretation. She's nice to look at when nude even though she has a Maryam d'Abo thing going on with her eyebrows which is distracting.

As for the plot, well, it's a mystery in the same vein as "The DaVnci Code" or "Angels and Demons" but years before Dan Brown even thought about writing them and without any twists. It's a straightforward, "connect the dots" affair with a little bit of horror action along the way. It's actually rather difficult to classify "The Ninth Gate" as a horror movie except for the supernatural elements and the Satanism because it isn't all that scary.

"The Ninth Gate" is a beautiful looking film with a rather sleazy and grubby atmosphere which makes me homesick, but the ending is such a disappointment that it it spoils what could have been another Roman Polanski classic.

Witchfinder General (1968)

(AKA "Conqueror Worm")



"England is torn in civil strife as the Royalists battle the Parliamentary Party for control. This conflict distracts people from rational thought and allows unscrupulous men to gain local power by exploiting village superstitions. One of these men is Matthew Hopkins, who tours the land offering his services as a persecutor of witches."

Although I prefer "Mark of the Devil" (1970), for the 18th day of my "Hallowe'en Countdown", I offer you the director's cut of "Witchfinder General" which I have embedded above.

Back in the '80s, there was an unofficial novelisation of "Witchfinder General" in the series of pulp horror paperbacks published by Sphere and written by James Darke (a pseudonym for Laurence James) called "The Witches". I read those books long before I ever saw "Witchfinder General" for the first time and think they were rather good for what they were. For all of its merits, you see, "Witchfinder General" is a little bit tame in its non-director's cut version, and even with the gorier bits put back in, it's not exactly terrifying as a horror movie.

Where "Witchfinder General" does excel though is in how Vincent Price plays Matthew Hopkins without hamming the role up. It's quite a surprise to see that Vincent Price can actually act although the arguments on set between him and the director which caused such restraint are legendary. Vincent Price and Michael Reeves did not get on well together with Vincent being quite a primadonna considering that he wasn't even the first choice for the role. Originally, Michael Reeves wanted Donald Pleasance to play Matthew Hopkins, but Vincent Price was considered a better draw for American audiences.

As much as I love most of Vincent Price's movies, I wonder what "Witchfinder General" would have been like without him. His American accent is a bit incongruous among all the British ones, and, of course, he's too old to match the historical Matthew Hopkin's age. I don't think anyone else would have looked right either except perhaps John Hurt, but he was hardly a big name in 1968.

In the very late '70s, I was a huge fan of Ian Ogilvy as Simon Templar in the "Return of the Saint" TV series, and it's hard for me to get that later role out of my head whenever I rewatch "Witchfinder General". His Roundhead captain character, Richard Marshall, is too posh to be a "jumped up ploughboy" (as he is referred to in the script), but he's still fairly decent as a dashing hero whose life is torn apart. When I first saw "Witchfinder General" in the late '80s, I almost felt sorry for his character at times. Now that I'm older, harder and wiser, maybe not so much.

Hilary Dwyer plays the love interest and the cause of most of the problems for Richard Marshall. If only Sara Lowes wasn't so "easy", she could have saved everyone a load of trouble.

I found the scene where Sara offers herself to Matthew Hopkins to be far too hasty and contrived. She isn't in any real danger herself at that point, and there is no deliberating about it whatsoever. Having previously been fornicating in the Rectory with her future husband, she's no innocent. In many ways, what happens is simply the justice of "horror movie morality" being served.

Highlights of "Witchfinder General" include spotting all the British talent who went on to mainly do TV work including Nicky Henson, Rupert Davies, Bernard Kay, and Wilfrid Brambell (most famous for being Albert Steptoe). It's also a rather unpleasant piece of nostalgia as not only did Michael Reeves succumb to a drug overdose a year later but Patrick Wymark (who has a cameo as Oliver Cromwell) died a couple of years later as well.

"Witchfinder General" looks good, has a similar vibe to it as a Hammer production, but it isn't the most historically accurate depiction of 17th century England. The more eagle-eyed of you should scan the background for some obvious goofs including TV aerials.

According to the records, the extreme torture methods such as those used by the Spanish Inquisition to extract confessions were rarely used in England, and witches weren't burned at the stake in the 17th century. That's not to say that there were never burnings, but it was a punishment reserved for treason. If a suspected witch confessed to treason as well, there would be grounds for a burning, but hangings were the easier, preferred, and most common form of execution. Even in the case of Guy Fawkes, who we Brits all remember with our "Bonfire Night" on November 5th every year, he was never actually burnt at the stake either but condemned to hang.

Anyway, have a look at "Witchfinder General" for yourself, and let me know what you think about it in the comments section below.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

"A young couple move into a new apartment, only to be surrounded by peculiar neighbours and occurrences. When the wife becomes mysteriously pregnant, paranoia over the safety of her unborn child begins controlling her life."

Day 16 of my "Hallowe'en Countdown" brings us "Rosemary"s Baby". Why? Because the story begins in October, and it's full of witches, that's why. Hallowe'en is, after all, still one of the most important of the witches' sabbats whether a new name was slapped on top of the old pagan festival or not.

Although Rosemary is impregnated on the October 4th, 1965 according to her calendar and tells her husband the good news on the 29th, with a further blood test scheduled for November 1st, we can all assume that the witches had a little something extra to celebrate during their Hallowe'en weekend. Bizarrely, no Samhain festivities are shown.

At first, it's surprising that Roman Polanski didn't utilize the obvious cliché, but upon further reflection, maybe not. Even the most superficial searches of the internet reveal many conspiracy theories surrounding Roman Polanski, Satanism and the setting of the movie itself. For those of us who hadn't even been born when the events were going down in real life, it all makes fascinating reading which goes beyond mere coincidence. Did Roman Polanski sell his soul to the Devil in exchange for success or did he get involved with the "pseudo-Illuminati", who knows? If he did either, surely putting a warning message about secret societies into a movie wasn't the brightest idea.

But who even cares about any of that behind the scenes nonsense? We all know that movie people are strange and have pretty messed up lives anyway. If it adds to the appreciation of Polanksi's study of paranoia in "Rosemary's Baby" (which is based on Ira Levin's novel from the year before), so be it. I've always found "Rosemary's Baby" interesting for far less occult reasons.

Longer hair suits her more than a Vidal Sassoon bob.

As shallow as it may be, the main reason I like "Rosemary's Baby' is because Mia Farrow looks pretty in it, and she gets nude several times. I don't like her acting and could cheerfully strangle her character, but this is the only film I've ever seen her in where she looks attractive. Maybe not so much in the picture above, but for a very skinny and almost skeletal girl, Mia Farrow has several moments where the camera really loves her.

Rosemary Woodhouse is a very well written character and suits Mia Farrow perfectly. Having watched "The Haunting of Julia" (1977) only a couple of months ago and noted the lack of her development as an actress, it's clear that Mia Farrow really only played herself anyway. All that nervousness and neuroses are unlikely to be a product of simply being typecast.

As for supporting characters in "Rosemary's Baby", I loathe them all to different degrees which, obviously, is their raison d'être. From the controlling Guy Woodhouse (John Cassavetes) treating his wife like a child to the excessively irritating Minnie Castevet (Ruth Gordon) pushing the nosy neighbour stereotype to breaking point, they are all shown to be horrible people. If there's a warning in this film, it's never move to New York city.

It's pronounced "moose" not "mouse", you old bag!

Ruth Gordon does a fantastic (and Oscar winning) job as the ultimate "neighbour from Hell", but I could never tolerate much of her as an actress. Her voice, her face, and the way she delivers her lines just makes me think of the "kill it with fire" meme. Why Rosemary doesn't just deliver a deluge of the expletives which would fall so easily out of my own mouth to someone as pushy as that is one of the weakest parts of "Rosemary's Baby" for me. No matter how naive Rosemary is supposed to be, Americans are generally not so backward in coming forward when something annoys them. It's all part of the sinister plot though.

Since "Rosemary's Baby" is regarded as a classic movie by the majority of critics (not only by horror fans), I'm not going to make myself look foolish by picking any more holes in it. For one thing, I can't really find anything wrong other than how it never delivers the punchline of actually showing the baby. Bearing in mind that it was released during the Summer of 1968, and the effects for the brief appearance by the Devil himself were the best that could be done, it was a wise decision not to show an infant with glowing eyes, cloven hooves, horns, or a long, pointy tail.

If you've never seen "Rosemary's Baby" before, I've no doubt spoiled a lot of it for you. It's nearly 45 years old now though so you've had plenty of time to watch it. With the number of times it's been shown on television across the world, its almost impossible that anyone doesn't already know the story inside and out. The chances are that you haven't put in on for a while though so plonk it in your DVD player tonight and give it another whirl.

The City of the Dead (1960)

(AKA Horror Hotel)



"A young coed (Nan Barlow) uses her winter vacation to research a paper on witchcraft in New England. Her professor recommends that she spend her time in a small village called Whitewood."

Rather than write yet another review of "The City of the Dead" which nobody reads, I've just embedded the full movie from YouTube at the top of this post so you can watch it for yourself. It's ideal viewing for a gloomy Sunday afternoon.

As "City of the Dead" (AKA "Horror Hotel") is in the public domain, I used to keep a copy of it on my own YouTube channel (which I hope you've all subscribed to) until the amount of bogus copyright claims started to get annoying. When they tried to put adverts next to something which even I couldn't monetise, I took it down to stop the thieves from making any money.

I will just say that "The City of the Dead" has a great atmosphere, it's low-budget but looks good in black and white, and it's full of clichés. Maybe those clichés weren't quite so clichéd at the time though. Watch out for a reworking of the "phantom hitchhiker" story around 17 minutes in (and again around the 50 minute mark).

Standouts include Venetia Stevenson as Nan Barlow, Patricia Jessel in a dual role as Elizabeth Selwyn/Mrs. Newless, and, of course, Christopher Lee doing an American accent.

You can hear about the other details from the director, John Llewellyn Moxey, in the video below.



Here are the obligatory screencaps which most people only come to my blog to steal anyway. I don't care. I only took them from the Google image search myself.

I also found this interview with Christopher Lee about "The City of the Dead" (and a lot of his other films) which you might find interesting. Before you ask, no, I don't know what's wrong with the interviewer's mouth either.



Tonight, I'm going to see "Sinister" which I will write a review of tomorrow.

Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen (2008)

"Will Spanner, the reluctant heir to a dark legacy, is once again thrown into battle against the forces of evil when a series of gruesome murders begins to take place. The victims are all brutally murdered in a ritualistic fashion - the heart is missing from each of the corpses."

You may remember that I purchased this a month ago from my local pawn shop, but things move pretty slowly round here and it has taken me until now to watch it.

What makes my movie reviewing time frame even worse is that I interviewed one of the actresses from this, Zoe Hunter, way back in March 2006! In fairness, that was nearly two years before the DVD eventually came out and, in that time, I completely lost interest in the project.

If you are at all familiar with the "Witchcraft" series then you'll know that they aren't exactly outstanding. To be blunt, they are all a load of straight-to-video crap with some boobs in them occasionally. I don't think any of them rate higher than a two-point-something on the IMDb and, alas, "Witchcraft 13" doesn't even deserve half of that.

As soon as I saw the poor excuse for a menu that whomever made the DVD put on it, I felt any desire to watch the contents of the DVD slipping away rapidly. I'll give them that it was functional, but it looked as if it was done with a very early freeware Windows DVD authoring program. Have I really got disc number 94?

Once the film started, you'll find this difficult to believe, I know, but things got even worse! The quality wasn't even up to YouTube standard and the volume was so low that I had to crank it up to 200% to hear the horrendous dialogue normally. Suffice it to say that I wasn't very impressed with any of the production values. Also imagine, if you will, every expletive known to man that came out of my mouth as I tried to watch this piece of handycam shit.

The story itself was dull, the characters were nondescript, and the acting was virtually non-existent. I honestly believe that I have never encountered such an uncharismatic and uninteresting cast in a movie of any kind ever. I really hope that anyone involved in this was actually trying to act though and isn't in any way like any of the characters in real life.

As expected, there was some minor nudity but not, unfortunately, from Falin Proffitt who played Laura. She was by far the most attractive "actress" in this and it's a pity that, due to the awful quality of the DVD, the screencap above had to come from the official (and misspelled) trailer on YouTube.

My old MySpace friend Zoe Hunter kept her clothes on (which was a bit mean of her), another girl ate fire in her underwear (no, the fire was not in her underwear, that's just how the sentence turned out), and I hate to be so mean about it but the only girl who did get nude looked as if she was a pro (and not a professional actress either).

This was just porn video stuff but without any real porn or an entertaining story. Being the masochist I am, I stuck with it to see if at least the gore effects would be alright, but sadly, they were the no-budget kind as well.

"Witchcraft 13" absolutely reeked of the "Hey guys, I've got a camera, let's drink beer and make a movie!" mentality which reached its peak about 6 years ago. Fortunately, nearly all the wannabe directors, actors and actresses from that time have all got older (though maybe not wiser) and moved on to other things now so I rarely have to endure crap like this anymore. Even if they haven't given up, I hope that the former fanbase who once supported these idiots got sick of this rubbish and have moved on from it themselves. Movies like this gave (and still give) "independent horror" a very bad reputation.

Considering that I once saw this very DVD sitting on the shelves in my local Hollywood Video just waiting for some poor soul to waste a rental fee on it, it's no wonder that they went out of business and had to sell all their stock to the pawn shop. I have no sympathy for anyone who thinks that something like this counts as a real movie or who would try to pass it off as such.

I really can't think of anything good to say about "Witchcraft 13" except (as usual) that I'm glad it's over and I will never have to watch it again. This crap was absolutely disgusting on every level and a complete insult to the intelligence of its audience.

Alison's Birthday (1981)

"A young girl is subjected to a reign of terror so that her soul can be transferred to the body of an old crone."

After an interesting and violent start, "Alison's Birthday" turned into such a boring, slow-paced Australian soap opera that I initially thought I wouldn't make it through to the end. I love Australian soap operas though (and I've seen far worse horror movies) so I endured the lag and decided to review it for you.

In many ways, "Alison's Birthday" reminded me a little bit of "Rosemary's Baby" (1968), "Crowhaven Farm" (1970), and several more recent girlie American horrors including "I've Been Waiting for You" (1998) and "The Haunting of Molly Hartley" (2008).

The overused scenario wasn't original even back in 1981 and I could pull up huge lists of "teenagers inheriting their evil birthright" or "girls destined to be sacrificed to the Devil" movies which go right back to 1940s. Although I'd guarantee that you wouldn't be all that interested in most of them, I just thought I'd mention this fact quickly so nobody gets the wrong idea about "Alison's Birthday" being an influence on anything except, perhaps, for its ending which predates "The Skeleton Key" (2005). The thing is that they are all reworkings of the "Snow White" fairytale and I think we've all had enough of that for this year.

The actress who played Alison, Joanne Samuel, who you'll definitely know from playing Jessie in the original "Mad Max" (1979), wasn't bad looking even though she was dressed like a reject from "Prisoner: Cell Block H" for the creepiest parts of the film. I've never understood the appeal of dungarees (and even less the "passion killing" nightdress) but I suppose something had to be done to make a 24 year old look like a teenager. The "blink and you'll miss it" bikini scene on the beach would have destroyed that illusion except that the camera concentrated on Alison's face rather than her body.

Alison faded into the background around 50 minutes in as her boyfriend, Peter, played by Lou Brown, picked up the pace with a failed rescue attempt, his inquiries into her past, and the discovery via his extremely gorgeous Occultist friend (whose name I can't remember but I think was played by Lisa Peers) that Alison was destined to play a very unwilling part in an ancient Celtic ritual.

In pre-internet days, people actually used to have to look things up in books. I found the various clichéd expositions both nostalgic and refreshing after seeing the trope changed to "Google searches" so many times more recently. It was done rather well and gave an even more sinister backstory to what was all rather predictable otherwise.

Brian Wenzel (aka Sergeant Frank Gilroy from "A Country Practice") turned up a couple of times as, surprise, surprise, a uniformed cop, but he wasn't the only recognisable face from Australian television. People used to joke that Australia only had about a dozen actors who would appear in everything and it was very true back in the day.

Even though the denouement reeked of "Salem's Lot" (1979), it got quite exciting for a few seconds and I actually got quite concerned for the characters. I was only half-expecting the downbeat ending so I got a little bit of a surprise. I'm glad it went that way rather than the alternative.

"Alison's Birthday" wasn't a particularly good horror movie. It wasn't scary and didn't have enough of the paranoid, claustrophobic atmosphere of the predecessors which it borrowed from to make it stand out. As for suspense, the little bit of tension created by Alison's upcoming birthday party was ruined by the pacing and a distinct lack of the feeling of impending doom. I didn't hate the movie but it really wasn't anything more than average at best.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

"A large Halloween mask-making company has plans to kill millions of American children with something sinister hidden in Halloween masks."

I finally got round to rewatching one of my favourite Hallowe'en movies of all time, "Halloween III: Season of the Witch". It's taken a while because I remember nearly every scene of the film so clearly that it's hard to forget enough of it to ever watch it from a fresh perspective again.

Of course, this time I was on a mission to totally blow Ebert's "review" (such as it is) out of the water especially as "Halloween III" is on his "most hated" list but, since I couldn't care less what that old dinosaur has to say about anything, I soon just relaxed and enjoyed the film for what it was instead.

Without spoiling too much for you, here are a few things I noticed which make this one of the best Hallowe'en movies of all time. I'll write them as a list since I haven't done one of those for ages either.

1. Stacey Nelkin. She was simply one of the cutest and sexiest actresses of the '80s. Even though her "sex scene" with Tom Atkins was a little bit vile, the contrast with how flawless she looked and his craggy old ass (which you get to see in all its glory) was perfect. She could actually act too.

2. Dan O'Herlihy. He really was Irish as Conal Cochran and, although most people will remember him as the "The Old Man" from "Robocop" (1987), he was a very fine actor indeed with a huge body of work behind him. His performance in "Halloween II" was as subtly sinister as it could possibly be and he absolutely owned this film by stealing every scene that he was in.

3. Tom Atkins. What can I possibly say about this guy that you don't already know? Well, in spite of his looks, he came across as a genuinely civilised and heroic character. He was much better here than in another favourite film of mine, "The Fog" (1982), although it took another four years for him to truly shine in "Night of the Creeps" (1986).

4. The Silver Shamrock theme. Yes, it's just "London Bridge is Falling Down" with new words and it's annoying as can be but it's still the most famous Hallowe'en jingle ever.

5. The plot. Killing all the children as a massive sacrifice for Samhain was an inspired idea and one that I, as somebody who can't stand children in the first place, could totally get behind. Of course there were a couple of plotholes but what do you expect? It's a horror film and every horror film ever made has plotholes.

6. Robots. Why does everybody hate the organic robots in this film? If you can believe that a mask containing a speck of Stonehenge can turn an annoying kid into a pool of bugs and snakes then it isn't much more of a stretch to imagine Conal Cochran's black magic being able to create goop-filled likenesses of human beings as well.

7. No Michael Myers. Actually that's not true there was a brief flash of him near the beginning. "Halloween" got played on TV in the film too but it was actually quite refreshing to not have a stupid slasher movie for Hallowe'en and have something more fittingly supernatural instead. I wish that the trend had continued and Michael Myers had never returned for the rest of the "Halloween" franchise.

8. Camerawork. It was all shot beautifully with no annoying shakycams and so few continuity errors that I didn't even notice them.

9. Teddy. The sexy, ginger, female doctor played by Wendy Wessberg really did it for me. I wish that there had been a lot more to her role.

10. Cats. There were two cats in the film neither of which were used for jump scares and no harm came to them. I think that was great.

I could go on by listing things but you can look up a ton of cross references to how "Halloween III" was designed to fit into the series perfectly well on your own. Jamie Lee Curtis as the curfew announcer was one that I never realised before and, obviously, Nancy Loomis and Dick Warlock were both in "Halloween II".

Another piece of trivia which I've only recently picked up is that Sierra Madre, which is the real name of Santa Mira, was also the setting for the original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (1956). What's not to love about "Halloween III"?

"Halloween III" was and still is an exciting and inventively gory "B movie" horror which most people only hate because it doesn't fit in with the rest of the Michael Myers stories. If "Halloween" had been taken out of the title, nobody would have been complaining at all but, as my South African friends say, you can't educate pork.

Do I even have to tell you that "Halloween III" is staying in my "Video Vault" as one of the best horror films ever made? No, I thought not. Just clear your mind of prejudices and give it another try. You'll probably be very surprised at how much you actually enjoy it.

Mark of the Devil (1970)

(AKA "Hexen bis aufs Blut gequält")



"In 18th-century Austria, evil Count Cumberland (Herbert Lom) captures young women he deems to be witches, then tortures and kills them with the help of his faithful assistant, Baron Christian Von Mem (Udo Kier)."

Although very similar to "Witchfinder General" (1968), not only because of the subject matter but also because the director, Michael Armstrong, was an assistant to Michael Reeves on the Tigon production, this beautifully shot German film is a lot more brutal in every way.

Allegedly based on three true witchcraft trials during the abominable periods of witchcraft hysteria in Europe, this is all pretty grim stuff full of torture and exploitation at every opportunity. "Mark of the Devil" was once called the "most horrifying film ever made" and with good reason.

Modern audiences might find the story a tad slow in places, but the torture scenes using authentic methods and devices still hold up well 40 years on. You don't even need to ask if "Mark of the Devil" influenced the modern "torture porn" genre as it's actually a lot better than anything Eli Roth could produce nowadays with all his expensive KNB effects. Burnings, whippings, rackings and pokings with bodkins abound so, if you are the slightest bit squeamish, you probably won't see much of this film no matter how historically accurate it may be.

The acting is good enough to make you care about all of the characters whether they are villains or victims in spite of the terrible English overdubbing which was de rigeur for a lot of European movies of this time. In fact, it was mimed in phonetic English by the cast before the dubbing so there's nothing really to be gained from the German language version which some say was dubbed with a lot more emotion.

One thing which really stands out is how beautiful Udo Kier looked when he was younger. As a thoroughly heterosexual male even I can admit it. It's hard to believe that he was such a looker when you are so used to seeing him in films such as "Blade" (1998) without realising that he had quite an illustrious acting career beforehand.

Herbert Lom is also fantastic as the hypocritical Lord Cumberland who is far more the incarnation of the Devil than the imaginations of his victims could ever conjure up in their confessions. Most people will know him as Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus from the "Pink Panther" movies but he's a very recognisable face from quite a few horror films of this era too.

There are also some incredibly beautiful actresses though the one which both Herbert Lom's character and I like the most is the blonde Ingeborg Schöner. According to the IMDb, she's had an amazing career in Germany which has lasted over 50 years.

Trivia fans may already know that "Mark of the Devil" was rated "V" for violence and ticket buyers were offered "barf bags" before the film started. If you have a weak stomach then you'll probably do well to have something handy to throw up in even now.

The power of the film really comes from the fact that injustice and persecution still exist everywhere today. You really don't have to let your mind wander too far to start equating the powers that be in the film with whichever government you are currently under. The physical tortures might not be so readily used nowadays, but just ask anyone who has ever been falsely accused of a crime that they didn't commit about how frustrated and helpless they felt and you'll soon realise that the legal system is still as corrupt today as it ever was.

Personally, I started to think about all the animal cruelty that I've witnessed and how the perpetrators, otherwise known as "Humane Societies", still get away with it. Their corrupt directors take home huge wages at the expense of innocent canine and feline lives just as the witchfinders also profited from blood money based on nothing but telling lies to the general public. I often drift off into thinking about things like that during the most mean-spirited horror movies but live in hope that one day justice will be served in the most sadistic ways possible too.

"Mark of the Devil" is a very cruel and powerful film with a far from happy ending which will really disturb you if you let it. Similar events to those depicted in this film really did happen, many innocent people were murdered and families were torn apart for no good reason. You don't have to look too far back into history to see how mankind keeps repeating the same mistakes.

Tamara (2005)

"Tamara, an unattractive girl, who is picked on by her peers returns after her death as a sexy seductress to exact revenge."

Years before "Jennifer's Body" came out (although I didn't even know of its existence until the same time), "Tamara" was a mainly Canadian production with a somewhat similar story and setting. The tagline, "Revenge has a killer body", on the Lionsgate DVD gives away the re-marketing of this film.

Once again a "teenage" girl is killed and comes back with supernatural powers to get revenge on her High School peers. There's nothing original about the story but it's done really well and the lead, Jenna Dewan, is almost as beautiful as Megan Fox except when she tries not to be.

A great source of amusement for me is that all of the teenagers are really in their twenties with Jenna Dewan and my lookalike Chad Faust being the oldest at twenty-five. Yes, I have a "celebrity lookalike" who resembles me when I was that age. Poor guy.

Chad Faust, no stranger to various Sci-Fi TV series, is also in another film where his character meets with a horrific fate, "Descent" (2007). Don't confuse it with "The Descent" (2005) about a bunch of butch women who encounter CHUDs as it's actually rather good. I'm not going to tell you anything about it as it's not a horror film per se but the ending is every heterosexual man's worst nightmare.

Anyway, there isn't much to "Tamara" other than the obvious set-ups to gain sympathy for the titular character at the start and the various set pieces of revenge later. If you've already seen "Carrie" (1976), "The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) and "Prom Night II" (1987), expect more of the same. The plot is also similar to "The House on Sorority Row" (1983) and "I Know What You Did Last Summer" (1997) in places. As you can tell from this list, nearly everything is cribbed from other genre movies. Even "Salem's Lot" (1979) gets an homage at one point.

Although "Tamara" is the epitome of derivative, the performances are pretty good and it doesn't feel like a knock-off of any other movies at all. One seemingly original scene involving two guys has been done before but I can't remember the name of the film that I saw it in. Suffice it to say that I watched part of a German film on "Kabel Eins" many years ago where a prostitute turned the tables on two of her clients in a similar manner. I've also read (yes, read!) that same scene again in Sergei Lukyanenko's (and Vladimir Vasilyev's) "Day Watch" novel. In the book, Alisa Donnikova, a witch, does the same thing as Tamara from this film who is, of course, also a witch. Given the date of the novel, it's just a coincidence but an interesting one nonetheless.

I've probably given away a few spoilers but since "Tamara" is five years old now and you can even buy it as part a four movie compilation from Wal-Mart for $5, I'm sure you've seen it by now anyway. If you watch the trailer above, you can say that you've seen most of it.

Just one piece of trivia before I wrap this up. Matthew Marsden who plays Tamara's crush, Bill Natolly, is actually a British actor most famous for starring in soaps such as "Emmerdale" and "Coronation Street" which are both set in the North of England. Seeing him in an American/Canadian horror movie years later is wonderfully surreal.

"Tamara" has a few gory moments and some of them are quite realistic but, like so many horror films in the last ten years, nothing here is going to shock or scare you in any way. For that final reason alone, I'm rating "Tamara" as slightly below average even though it's a very entertaining film which horror aficionados should watch just to spot all the copycat scenes.