My Top Ten Sexiest Ghost Films

Since I'm always getting accused of sexualising women (as if that's a bad thing!), let's have another top ten list of hot chicks to upset the prudes even more.

This time, it's mostly about the dead 'uns, but not in a creepy, necrophiliac way.


1. Ghost Story (1981)

Ah, Alice Krige. Whether she's Eva Galli or Alma Mobley doesn't matter. She a free spirit whose attractiveness leads to tragedy, but she still has her wicked way with two brothers... from beyond the grave!


2. Haunted (1995)

David Ash (Aidan Quinn) and Christina Mariell (Kate Beckinsale) do the nasty before he knows she's a ghost. But since Ash is a paranormal investigator, I doubt that prior knowledge of her supernatural status would have stopped him. And she's Kate Beckinsale, guys!


3. The Haunting Passion (1983)

Julia Evans (Jane Seymour) gets ravished by a romantic spectre. Who cares if it's a TV movie which leaves more to the imagination than it shows? Who even cares if ripoff artists are selling it on bootleg DVDs for over $100 on Amazon? "The Haunting Passion" allowed a whole generation of horny pubescent boys to see Jane Seymour have orgasms all over the place.


4. Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Lesbian ghosts (Oksana Borbat and Xeniya Fesenko) bring out the best in Michelle (Cerina Vincent), you know what I'm saying? If you have no idea what I mean, it's time for you to "Return to House on Haunted Hill" again!


5. Prom Night II (1987)

Probably the sexiest ghost from the late '80s, it's Mary Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage). Give or take some minor possessions, she's behind all the naughtiness in this movie.


6. The Others (2001)

It's not just because Nicole Kidman is hot. Oh no, it's not that simple in a list like this. Don't forget that Christopher Eccelstone turns up half-way through to give her a good seeing to. Now that's sexy!


7. High Spirits (1988)

"Skelping takes a lot out of you," unless you're Darryl Hannah and it makes your performance in a comedy-horror (which isn't funny or horrific) a million times more memorable!


8. The Legend of Hell House (1973)

Technically, Florence Tanner (Pamela Franklin) isn't diddled by a ghost, but she thinks she is. Gayle Hunnicutt gets all horny later too, which makes Emeric Belasco's possession something other than just rampantly heterosexual. Well, we are told that orgies occurred in Hell House, so Belasco must have been a right greedy bugger in his prime.


9. The Shining (1980)

I think we all know what happens when Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) thinks he's going to have sexy-funtime with Lia Beldam. It's hot until she changes unless you're into granny porn... and then it's even hotter!


10. The Entity (1982)

Again it's not technically a ghost who gives Carla Moran (Barbara Hershey) a rough time—it's a demon—but it's not as if she doesn't get any pleasure out of it at all. Plus it's Barbara Hershey naked with invisible (compressed air) fingers prodding her boobs! What's not to like?


Bonus: American Horror Story (2011)

The young version of Moira (Alexandra Breckenridge) has lots of saucy moments in the first season of "American Horror Story", but the brief faux-lesbian scene with Elizabeth Short (Mena Suvari) has to be the icing on the cake! It's hard to believe that this aired nearly two years ago. Bring back Moira!


Can you think of any more?

My Top Ten Sexiest Witches

In case you've forgotten. Hallowe'en (when referred to by its original Gaelic/pagan name "Samhain") is one of the four big witches' sabbats. What the other ones are, I have no idea, but they probably all end in "mas", "ane" or "fumblebum". Witchcraft outside of a closed society is a load of bullshit anyway.

But with the big day approaching, what better way is there to celebrate the non-event/non-holiday than with a top ten list of the sexiest witches I've ever seen?

Okay, so trying to stuff four bags of Funyuns in your mouth at the same time and then washing them down with Tizer is equally entertaining, but I'm a blogger and this is all I've got. Enjoy!


1. Willow (Britt Ekland) from "The Wicker Man" (1973)

I honestly don't care if she's fully clothed, topless, or using a body double, Willow is the sexiest little witch ever! I would have kicked the bloody door down or smashed a glory hole in the wall if I'd been in Edward Woodward's place!


2. Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) from "Dark Shadows" (2012)

I'd never even heard of Eva Green before I watched "Dark Shadows" last year, but as she's very unlikely to repeat her sexy performance in anything else, I don't suppose it matters. My God, she's hot! Angelique likes things a tad too rough to be my number one though.


3. Mirror Queen (Monica Bellucci) from "The Brothers Grimm" (2005)

It's a pity that "The Brother's Grimm" is such a crappy movie apart from having the most beautiful woman in the whole world in it. There's definitely something supernatural about the way Monica Bellucci never ages.


4. The Witch (Cassandra Gaviola) from "Conan the Barbarian" (1982)

Back in the days of renting VHS tapes from Blockbuster, I wore the section with Cassandra Gaviola and Arnie out so badly by rewinding and pausing over and over again that they had to buy another copy! I only know this because they made me pay for the one I wrecked.


5. Mater Lacrimarum (Ania Pieroni) from "Inferno" (1980)

While it's true that I also like Moran Atias in "Mother of Tears" (2007) because she gets nude, I couldn't find a decent (SFW) picture of her online. Ania Peroni is equally sexy as Hell, plus she has a cat. Purrfection!


6. Prue Halliwell (Shannen Doherty) from "Charmed" (1998)

Since it's all about "The Power of Three" with the Halliwell sisters, I wouldn't turn any of them down, but Shannen Doherty (in the middle) is the one who really does it for me. I've watched every season of "Charmed" and still don't know the names of the other sisters!


7. Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan) from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

Ordinarily, Willow is a bit of a mouth-breathing drudge, but the day she turned into evil Willow, everybody perked up! It's hard to tell whether she's hotter as a bad vamp or a bad witch, but being bad is always good for Willow!


8. Muriel (Famke Janssen) from "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" (2013)

48-year-old Famke looks a bit worn here, but you can't deny that she's gorgeous for her age! That kinky black outfit with feathers kinda rocks too! She can keep it on or take it off, I'm hers either way.


9. Bonnie (Neve Campbell) from "The Craft" (1996)

The best bit for me is when she turns her hair blonde! "OMG, that's like so kewl! LOL" Neve Campbell looks fantastic as a blonde, but I couldn't find a screencap which didn't pixellate badly when resized. This is just the standard pretty Bonnie after her fizzog is fixed.


10. Princess Asa Vajda (Barbara Steele) from "Black Sunday" (1960)

It was too difficult to find a photo of Barbara Steele from "Black Sunday" which wasn't scary-looking, so I gave up and used this one. It's not her sexiest moment in the film, but bizarrely, the bit where parts are falling off her is.


Just to make up a full coven of thirteen, here are three bonuses:


Bonus #1: Circe (Bernadette Peters) from "The Odyssey" (1997)

She gets between Armand Assante's knees and blackmails him into sleeping with her to save his men. I know that's the story of Odysseus and everything, but most of us wouldn't have needed such coercion. "Odysseus, the only way I will turn your soldiers back into men is if... you take me to bed," she purrs. Alrighty then.


Bonus #2: Medea (Maria Callas) from "Medea" (1969)

It's been so long since I've seen Pier Paolo Pasolini's adaptation of Euripides' play that I'd forgotten how beautiful Maria Callas used to be. From the IMDb: "It's a movie about a woman who beheads her brother, stabs her children, and sends her lover's wife up in flames. For Maria Callas, it's a natural." And yes, Pier Paolo Pasolini is the same director who made "Salo", in case you wondered.


Bonus #3: Morgana Le Fay (Helen Mirren) from "Excalibur" (1981)

When it comes to John Boorman's "Excalibur", it's usually Cherie Lunghi who floats my boat, but I can't deny Helen Mirren her finest hour either. Incest with King Arthur is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sexual nastiness in Morgana's mind, and her scenes with Merlin (the late Nicol Williamson) are priceless. Let's say the "Charm of Making" together: "Anáil nathrach, ortha bhas betha, do cheol déanta..."


Who are your favourites? And why?

My Top Ten Sexiest Vampires

Since I've been watching a lot of vampire movies this week, what better way to end it than with a list of my sexiest vampire girls?

I know this is a bit of a cheat since there are far more than ten sexy vampires below, but I'm sure you'll appreciate the extras anyway.


1. Dracula's Bride (Monica Belucci) from "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992)

It's hard to choose between Florina Kendrick, Monica Bellucci and Michaela Bercu, but Monica is definitely the sexiest for me.


2. Solina (Jennifer Esposito) from "Dracula 2000" (2000)

Lucy Westerman (Colleen Fitzpatrick) is very sweet, Valerie Sharpe (Jeri Ryan) knows how to work her figure, but the hottest here is Solina who exudes sexiness throughout the whole movie.


3. Aleera (Elena Anaya) from "Van Helsing" (2004)

Again, it's almost impossible to choose between Marishka (Josie Maran), Verona (Silvia Colloca), and Aleera (Elena Anaya). I like them all, but the Spanish lady takes the prize for being the best part of this terrible film.


4. Carmilla Karnstein (Yutte Stensgaard) from "Lust for a Vampire" (1971)

Whether she's Mircalla or Carmilla doesn't matter, Yutte Stensgaard was one of the most beautiful Hammer actresses, especially when she was playing a vampire. Her victim in this picture, Amanda, was played by Judy Matheson who went on to become a TV presenter.


5. Frieda Gellhorn (Madeleine Collinson) from "Twins of Evil" (1971)

I know what you're thinking, but I can tell the difference between them, and I pick the bad twin. Mary and Madeleine Collinson played Maria and Frieda respectively, in case you wonder which is which.


6. Lilith (Angie Everhart) from "Bordello of Blood" (1996)

Not the most flattering picture of this former model, but she's still sexy. I still can't understand how Rafe Guttman managed to resist her.


7. Vamp Willow (Alyson Hannigan) from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1999)

Although Willow was only a vampire in two episodes of the series, "The Wish" and "Doppelgangland" (both from Season 3), she was pretty memorable. She was only ever hotter when she became an evil witch, but that's another story.


8. Mae (Jenny Wright) from "Near Dark' (1987)

Is she really only the second blonde on this list? I can't think why that is except that the lovely Mae is also the only vampire who is actually nice to her victims before sucking them dry.


9. Marie (Anne Parillaud) from "Innocent Blood" (1992)

Just for being naked as many times as she kept her clothes on, I have to include Anne Parillaud. She's a little bit too boyish to rate any higher, but she's still gorgeous.


10. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) from "Underworld" (2003)

Okay, Kate Beckinsale doesn't actually do anything sexy in the "Underworld" movies, so it's all about the way she looks. She looked even lovelier in "Van Helsing" but, unfortunately, she wasn't a vampire in that.


Bonus: Bella Cullen (Kristen Stewart) from "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" (2012)

I always thought Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) was the best looking vampire in the "Twilight" movies, but that was before Bella changed. Now it's "Team Bella" again all the way to the end of the Saga.


Runners up include any other Hammer vampiress (especially Ingrid Pitt), Santanico Pandemonium (Salma Hayek) in "From Dusk Till Dawn" (1996), and Darla (Julie Benz) from the "Angel" TV series.


These are the hottest vampires I can think of. Who are your favourites?