My Top Ten Witches' Cats

Only a week to go until Hallowe'en! Time for some cats!

Here's my top ten list of the most well known familiars.


1. Salem Saberhagen from "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" (1996)

2. Grimalkin from "Night of the Demon" (1957)

3. Kit from "Charmed" (1998)

4. Miss Kitty Fantastico from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (2000)

5. Vesper from "The Witches" (1966)

6. Adams from "The Legacy" (1978)

7. Tansy Taylor's cat from "Burn, Witch, Burn" (1962)

8. Vivian Sotherland's cat from "Midnight Offerings" (1981)

9. Moira's cat from "Spectre" (2006)

10. Baba Yaga's cat from "Baby Yaga, Devil Witch" (1973)

Bonus: Cordelia Foxx's cat from "American Horror Story: Coven" (2013)

Can you fill in the missing names?

For more horror cats, please check out http://horrorcats.blogspot.com.

My Top Ten Sexiest Witches

In case you've forgotten. Hallowe'en (when referred to by its original Gaelic/pagan name "Samhain") is one of the four big witches' sabbats. What the other ones are, I have no idea, but they probably all end in "mas", "ane" or "fumblebum". Witchcraft outside of a closed society is a load of bullshit anyway.

But with the big day approaching, what better way is there to celebrate the non-event/non-holiday than with a top ten list of the sexiest witches I've ever seen?

Okay, so trying to stuff four bags of Funyuns in your mouth at the same time and then washing them down with Tizer is equally entertaining, but I'm a blogger and this is all I've got. Enjoy!


1. Willow (Britt Ekland) from "The Wicker Man" (1973)

I honestly don't care if she's fully clothed, topless, or using a body double, Willow is the sexiest little witch ever! I would have kicked the bloody door down or smashed a glory hole in the wall if I'd been in Edward Woodward's place!


2. Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) from "Dark Shadows" (2012)

I'd never even heard of Eva Green before I watched "Dark Shadows" last year, but as she's very unlikely to repeat her sexy performance in anything else, I don't suppose it matters. My God, she's hot! Angelique likes things a tad too rough to be my number one though.


3. Mirror Queen (Monica Bellucci) from "The Brothers Grimm" (2005)

It's a pity that "The Brother's Grimm" is such a crappy movie apart from having the most beautiful woman in the whole world in it. There's definitely something supernatural about the way Monica Bellucci never ages.


4. The Witch (Cassandra Gaviola) from "Conan the Barbarian" (1982)

Back in the days of renting VHS tapes from Blockbuster, I wore the section with Cassandra Gaviola and Arnie out so badly by rewinding and pausing over and over again that they had to buy another copy! I only know this because they made me pay for the one I wrecked.


5. Mater Lacrimarum (Ania Pieroni) from "Inferno" (1980)

While it's true that I also like Moran Atias in "Mother of Tears" (2007) because she gets nude, I couldn't find a decent (SFW) picture of her online. Ania Peroni is equally sexy as Hell, plus she has a cat. Purrfection!


6. Prue Halliwell (Shannen Doherty) from "Charmed" (1998)

Since it's all about "The Power of Three" with the Halliwell sisters, I wouldn't turn any of them down, but Shannen Doherty (in the middle) is the one who really does it for me. I've watched every season of "Charmed" and still don't know the names of the other sisters!


7. Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan) from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

Ordinarily, Willow is a bit of a mouth-breathing drudge, but the day she turned into evil Willow, everybody perked up! It's hard to tell whether she's hotter as a bad vamp or a bad witch, but being bad is always good for Willow!


8. Muriel (Famke Janssen) from "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" (2013)

48-year-old Famke looks a bit worn here, but you can't deny that she's gorgeous for her age! That kinky black outfit with feathers kinda rocks too! She can keep it on or take it off, I'm hers either way.


9. Bonnie (Neve Campbell) from "The Craft" (1996)

The best bit for me is when she turns her hair blonde! "OMG, that's like so kewl! LOL" Neve Campbell looks fantastic as a blonde, but I couldn't find a screencap which didn't pixellate badly when resized. This is just the standard pretty Bonnie after her fizzog is fixed.


10. Princess Asa Vajda (Barbara Steele) from "Black Sunday" (1960)

It was too difficult to find a photo of Barbara Steele from "Black Sunday" which wasn't scary-looking, so I gave up and used this one. It's not her sexiest moment in the film, but bizarrely, the bit where parts are falling off her is.


Just to make up a full coven of thirteen, here are three bonuses:


Bonus #1: Circe (Bernadette Peters) from "The Odyssey" (1997)

She gets between Armand Assante's knees and blackmails him into sleeping with her to save his men. I know that's the story of Odysseus and everything, but most of us wouldn't have needed such coercion. "Odysseus, the only way I will turn your soldiers back into men is if... you take me to bed," she purrs. Alrighty then.


Bonus #2: Medea (Maria Callas) from "Medea" (1969)

It's been so long since I've seen Pier Paolo Pasolini's adaptation of Euripides' play that I'd forgotten how beautiful Maria Callas used to be. From the IMDb: "It's a movie about a woman who beheads her brother, stabs her children, and sends her lover's wife up in flames. For Maria Callas, it's a natural." And yes, Pier Paolo Pasolini is the same director who made "Salo", in case you wondered.


Bonus #3: Morgana Le Fay (Helen Mirren) from "Excalibur" (1981)

When it comes to John Boorman's "Excalibur", it's usually Cherie Lunghi who floats my boat, but I can't deny Helen Mirren her finest hour either. Incest with King Arthur is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sexual nastiness in Morgana's mind, and her scenes with Merlin (the late Nicol Williamson) are priceless. Let's say the "Charm of Making" together: "Anáil nathrach, ortha bhas betha, do cheol déanta..."


Who are your favourites? And why?

American Horror Story: Coven

"A young girl, Zoe, is shattered to discover she possesses a strange genetic affliction tracing back to the dark days of Salem. Zoe is whisked away to Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, a mysterious school in New Orleans devoted to safeguarding the few remaining descendants who share this unique bloodline. Harboring a secret agenda, Fiona Goode, the most powerful witch of their generation, returns to town, reigniting old rivalries with the Coven's deadly enemies, the Voodoo."

"American Horror Story" is back with a third season! Meh. To be honest, I've been so caught up in horror movie reviews that I'd forgotten it even existed. I rarely watch television anyway if I can possibly help it.

Although I didn't like the second season as much as the first, and I didn't know they'd made another one until it suddenly appeared last night, I felt duty bound to at least watch the first episode and ogle Sarah Paulson. I'll not be watching any more until I can buy the whole thing on DVD because I loathe commercial breaks with every fibre of my being.

If "Coven" isn't enough of a clue for you, the oh-so-witty title of the first episode—"Bitchcraft"—reveals that this season is all about witches. Think of it as "The Craft" meets "Harry Potter" meets "Suspiria" meets "The Skeleton Key" with lots more pop-culture witchcraft references thrown in for nerds on message boards to feel clever about spotting. As it's set in New Orleans, it's probably also going to have a ton of Anne Rice stuff in it which I'm never likely to notice.

The biggest news is that Kathy Bates has joined the ensemble cast as the notorious serial killer Delphine LaLaurie, who is so "notorious" that I had to use Google to find out who she was. Call me ignorant if you like, but I don't know anything about famous American witches other than the place name of the Salem witch trials, and I could count the serial killers I've heard of on the fingers of one hand. Neither is really my thing. Aside from what I've learned from movies, I have about as much interest in witches, serial killers, or American history as I have in sticking an unpeeled orange up my arse.

As far as I can tell from one episode and the trailers, "Coven" looks like it's going to be a taco fiesta, In other words, it's severely lacking in any male characters who aren't disposable. Evan Peters turned up just to be killed off (thank you!), but with the knowledge that Lily Rabe's character can resurrect the dead (even though she was killed off too!), he's bound to return. Be prepared to see your Twitter feed explode with angry trending Tweets from Evan Peters' tweenage fangirls if he doesn't!

Obviously, my least favourite horror clique in the world are already stomping their little feet with glee and squealing about "Girl Power", and that's more than enough to put most horror fans off "Coven". But let them have their moment away from making sandwiches because you can guarantee that very bad things are going to happen to the witches in this show. One of them (played by Emma Roberts) has already been gang-raped by frat boys, another burnt at the stake, and I can easily predict the poetic justice that will end Jessica Lange's career as a "Supreme" witch. I'm thinking it will be the same as the end of Hammer's "She" (1965) but with better effects.

For those who stay with it, "Coven" promises to be another mixture of unpolitically correct dialogue and MA-14 situations which push the limits of what the TV censors normally allow. Based on previous seasons, I highly doubt that there will be any taboo subject which is too distasteful for them to cover, especially as the return of the Down Syndrome girl from the first season and the morbidly obese star of "Precious" (2009) complete this Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk freakshow. Hopefully, there'll actually be some horror in it this time too!

"American Horror Story: Coven" will air every Wednesday on FX at 10pm. Check out the official website for further details.

My Top Ten Hallowe'en Horror Films

In previous years, I've gone through just about everything I like to watch during October, but I'm bored with doing that. Every day is Hallowe'en for me to some extent, and there's nothing special about one day compared to any other. Such is the life of a horror movie reviewer.

For the sake of making a definitive list of "must see" horror movies for Hallowe'en, however, here's my top ten. Click the pics to see what I had to say about them before.


1. The Amityville Horror (1979)

As a child of the '70s, I read all the books about Amityville in the years before the movie was made. It's a pity that none of it was true, but "The Amityville Horror" still holds up well. Margot Kidder was gorgeous back in the day.


2. Dracula (1958)

Hammer's best horror movie. Simple as that. Christopher Lee and lots of hot bloofer ladies. Ignore the rubber bats on strings, this is class!


3. The Wicker Man (1973)

You can't have Hallowe'en without recognising its pagan origin, and "The Wicker Man" is my "go to" movie for all things British and pagan. Britt Ekland topless is a bonus.


4. The Legend of Hell House (1973)

I prefer this to "The Haunting" because of Roddy McDowell. He steals the show despite a valiant effort from Pamela Franklin and horny Gayle Hunnicutt. There's a lovely black cat in it too.


5. The Haunting (1963)

A little bit dated now but still creepy. It's the definitive haunted house movie and a certified classic. I would never have known about it if it hadn't been for the late James Herbert talking about it on a Hallowe'en TV show.


6. The Changeling (1980)

This would be higher up the list if it wasn't for the mystery element. I've found that I can only watch it every couple of years because I know the ending too well.


7. The Others (2001)

The twist dooms this movie to being another that's hard to watch more than once, but it's all about Nicole Kidman as perfect eyecandy for me. As a remake of "Voices" (1973), it's a successful upgrade.


8. Lady in White (1988)

It's a supernatural murder-mystery set during Hallowe'en, and that's more than enough to justify it. It's also very well done. Easily Frank LaLoggia's best movie and full of nostalgia for those who like that sort of thing.


9. The Fog (1980)

The prologue with the old captain telling the ghost story by a campfire makes this movie a lot better than it should have been. Sexy Adrienne Barbeau in her lighthouse radio station is the other good reason to watch it. I always fast-forward through the cringeworthy bits with Tom Atkins and Jamie Lee Curtis.


10. Carnival of Souls (1962)

It's really a rip-off of "The Hitch Hiker" episode from "The Twilight Zone", but it's a little bit more adult. Eerie stuff and very accessible since it's in the Public Domain.


What are your Hallowe'en favourites?

The Lords of Salem (2012)

"Heidi, a radio DJ, is sent a box containing a record - a 'gift from the Lords'. The sounds within the grooves trigger flashbacks of her town's violent past. Is Heidi going mad, or are the Lords back to take revenge on Salem, Massachusetts?"

There's no point beating around the bush like a lot of reviewers do, "The Lords of Salem" is just a load of disappointing, boring, faux arty-farty bullshit.

As much as I like Rob Zombie's "Halloween II" and fancy his wife in everything she does, "The Lords of Salem" put the kibosh on any of those warm fuzzies. If a film like this, which borrows from everywhere yet still fails to deliver its story in a comprehensible manner, is the way that Rob Zombie has chosen to go, horror isn't just dead, it's rotting too.

There's a lot of pretentious arty-farty crap in the world, and then there's crap which pretends to be pretentious and arty-farty like this. Rob Zombie has described his film as "If Ken Russell directed The Shining", but that's nothing to be proud of. The obvious homages with pacing as lethargic as "2001: A Space Odyssey" are, however, the least of this movie's problems.

As I mentioned, I think a lot of Sheri Moon Zombie. She seems like a nice enough woman in real life and she's undeniably hot. The problem is that she doesn't have enough charisma on screen to pull off a lead role. This, of course, is disastrous in "The Lords of Salem" where the focus is on her.

Men seldom make passes at girls who need a good wash.

Sheri has great legs and a pretty face. You can say what you like about her bottom and washboard chest, and beauty is subjective, but you still can't deny her legs. You get to see a lot of them here too. Unfortunately, with ugly librarian glasses, dirty-looking dreadlocks and a bunch of fake tattoos, she's been made to look like a female version of her husband which doesn't exactly make her Heidi character sympathetic.

To say that the ex-junkie Heidi looks like she smells of wet dog and needs several showers (not to mention lots of laser tattoo removal to get rid of all that vile self-harming) is an understatement. Gratuitously showing her ass cheeks a couple of times doesn't help in any way, shape or form either. She's just too alienating. When Heidi says that she's "super tired" around 20 minutes in, that's the end as far as dialogue goes too. The correct word is "very" or "really" not "super"! I hope this is just a one-off and that irritating West Coast half-grammar hasn't spread from YouTube to real movies.

It's not really worth mentioning any of the other actors or actresses in "The Lords of Salem" especially as the big name convention whores who everyone expected to see cameos from are only in "blink and you'll miss it" moments, and the others are just in the background, but I'm obliged to say something merely to be sociable. I think Jeff Daniel Phillips is supposed to be channelling Rob Zombie, and Bruce Davison (aka Willard) has an even more pointless role than Scatman Crothers in "The Shining".

When old Willard uses Google (relabelled "Lookup") on his Apple product placement laptop to search Heidi's real name, the Bumhole (I mean Blumhouse) Productions influence is painfully obvious. Seriously, he'd just been reading the diary by the leader of the Lords of Salem and got his wife to play a bar of music out of it, so how is finding out that Heidi's real surname is Hawthorne (or "Hawthroen" according to the misspelled website) some great surprise? The Family Tree search is a most unnecessary discovery contrivance since there can't be that many people named Hawthorne who are born in Salem. It's not like her surname is Smith!!!

Sorry, you're not coming in if you don't have any little cakes!

I'm sure that there will be Rob Zombie fanboys raving about the three old satchel-asses, i.e. Macbeth witches, so I might as well say something about them too. Yes, Patricia Quinn, Dee Wallace and Judy Geeson are the best part of the movie, but they deserved to have a movie devoted entirely to themselves without all the other rubbish going on. "The Witches of Eastwick" has already been made, but if anyone wanted to remake it as a real horror movie, I now know three actresses who would be good in it. As someone who usually can't stand Dee Wallace's acting, I'm still willing to give a compliment when I feel that she has actually earned it.

Giving it more benefit than it actually deserves, "The Lords of Salem" is really only "Rosemary's Baby" mixed with "Black Sunday", "The Shining", Lars Von Trier's "The Kingdom", "The Devils", "Crowhaven Farm", "The Ninth Gate", "Trick or Treat", "The Ring", "Pontypool", "The House of the Devil", and "Suckspiria". I could quite easily tick off another 20 or so movies (and short stories such as M.R. James' "Number 13") which it borrows from, but if I can do it, so can you.

There are so many places where parts of the story are set up just to fizzle out and be forgotten about that it's all a confusing mess which seems designed to be weird for the sake of being weird. Even Dario Argento's "Mother of Tears" is better than this shit and doesn't have anyone giving birth to a lobster in it. Oh, did I just ruin the ending? Too bad. Most people will either walk out or fall asleep before they get that far anyway. "The Lords of Salem" doesn't even have any spring-loaded cat scares in it!

Ultimately, the sad thing is that no matter how many bad reviews "The Lords of Salem" gets, the braindead "yukyukyuk" crowd will still pay to see it just to find out how bad it really is for themselves. Ker-ching! Once you're famous, it's a licence to make money from morons even if your product sucks possessed priests.

This, my friends, is why we can't have nice things.

Beautiful Creatures (2013)

"Ethan longs to escape his small Southern town. He meets a mysterious new girl, Lena. Together, they uncover dark secrets about their respective families, their history and their town."

Based on the "acclaimed bestseller" that I've never heard of, "Beautiful Creatures" is yet another bland teen romance meant to fill the gap left by "Twilight". Apparently, it has bombed at the box office, but I decided to watch it anyway because I'm a masochist like that. It's not as if there's anything else related to the horror genre to see right now. We're still over a month away from the "Evil Dead" remake and whatever dubious joys it may bring to the table.

Although "Beautiful Creatures" is overlong, a bit slow, and contains too much exposition instead of action, with a $60,000,000 budget there's plenty to look at this film especially the hot actresses, Alice Englert and Emmy Rossum as Lena Duchannes and Ridley Duchannes respectively. If you're a lot older, even Emma Thompson looks nice with her shoulders bared. I still like her anyway.

Green screen effects were allegedly kept to a minimum with a lot of practical effects such as the changing colours of Macon's living room and the spinning dinner table being highlights. I'm no expert, but I'm certain that a lot more was enhanced afterwards. When it comes to the obligatory magic lightning bolts trickling out of fingertips though, "Beautiful Creatures" doesn't contain the worst examples.

Like theatrical releases should be, it's beautifully filmed, looks the part in nearly every way, and even the CGI is acceptable when it happens. Thus, "Beautiful Creatures" certainly lives up to its title. In other ways, not so much, but I'll come to them by and by.

Hot sexy witch. 'Nuff said.

The biggest problem is that "Beautiful Creatures" really is all about how it looks. The story is too messy, obviously conflated from a piece of literature which must be even more character driven, and is instantly forgettable. In fact, it's rather tedious even if you are into romance. Despite a promising start, it soon becomes "Southern American Cliché: The Movie" with bad accents and every available teen movie trope other than farting for comic effect lifted from something better. At one point, I thought it was going to turn into "Footloose"!

Given the lack of risk taking in Hollywood (or Summit/Lionsgate) at the moment, I almost want to let the lack of originality slide as something which we've all become far too used to, but I can't. Due to the nature of the movies I usually watch, I immediately noticed that the most important plot point about choosing between light and dark borrows heavily from "Night Watch" (2004). There are even moments when the protagonists step into "the gloom" to discuss things or do battle outside the world as perceived by mortals. If that isn't enough to create the stench of plagiarism, the cursed "coming of age" cliché has been done to death by nearly every trendy supernatural drama since the 1970s. Depending on your era, if you've seen "Alison's Birthday", "The Craft" or "The Covenant", there's nothing new here.

With its credible acting, witty moments of dialogue and genuine attempts at characterisation, "Beautiful Creatures" probably isn't a bad movie if you're twelve or younger and haven't seen anything else like it. It may be possible to actually care about the smart-talking characters, think they're kind of cool and hope that love will conquer all at the end, but anyone older isn't going to be so easily pleased or lenient even given the internal logic of the fantasy itself. Let's face it, witches and wizards aren't real, never have been, and never will be. The whole premise of the film is undoubtedly silly and, in my opinion, would have worked better as a more obvious '80s-style comedy. Please note that I say that as someone who detests comedies.

"I hope you kids are using protection."

The story is a horrible mixture of being contrived and timid at the same time albeit with a couple of scenes which push the boundaries regarding underage sex. The twenty-four year old Alden Ehrenreich (as Ethan) and nineteen year old Alice Englert (Lena) aren't that convincing at acting younger than their ages in spite of valiant efforts to do so. The whole relationship between Ethan and Lena suggests paedophilia (or statutory rape) in no uncertain terms. Not that any of us necessarily want to see them bumping uglies on screen, but cutting to a sign burning in the background at one point like something out of the 1950s is also likely to incite more groans from the audience in displeasure than anything else.

Unlike "Twilight", these "kids" can't wait to lose their cherries. But if you're going to show "teenagers" getting it on then show it! And if you're going to get us excited about Emmy Rossum walking around in a black négligée at least be nice enough to provide a money shot after she's been writhing on a blanket with a sickly looking youth! If there's one thing crucial to a story in this genre, it's a deflowering or two! Given the PG-13 rating, obviously that doesn't happen. I have no idea if it happens in the book either although I assume it does since normal teenagers rarely read books aimed at their age group unless there's something saucy in them. I'm sure they won't miss the insinuation of incest between Macon and Sarafine either. I don't want to digress too much so I'll get on my soapbox about the pointlessness of "YT" horror fiction another time.

"Stop! In the name of love... before you break my heart..."

I'm not sure how to fit this into my critique, but I really need to hop on my soapbox for a moment about something else in "Beautiful Creatures" which bugged the Hell out of me (no pun intended): the depiction of Christians. Since they are made out to be a bunch of small town puritans with hillbilly superstitions, could the writing really be any lazier? And could this feeble clichéd jibe be an indication of a much bigger problem behind the scenes of the media as we know it? I'm not going to push this any further, but it's something to think about. I'd say the agenda was more in the mind of the authors, Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, than director Richard LaGravenese, but either way, it's lame. In a book or movie about witches though, you have to have something wrong with you to be attracted to this guff in the first place.

Suspending your disbelief about immortal witches (instead of vampires or werewolves) isn't the only hard part. If you're American, the plethora of fake Southern accents in "Beautiful Creatures" will definitely drive you insane. They are even harsher and less intelligible to British ears especially when delivered from the mouths of the very British Jeremy Irons and Emma Thompson. Through no fault of his own, Jeremy Irons makes my flesh crawl at the best of times even when he isn't trying to sound like Foghorn Leghorn.

Other cast members are more in the background apart from the better looking of the stereotypical clique of "popular girls", Zoey Deutch, who deserves to go further. I can't wait to see her in "Vampire Academy: Blood Sisters" next year. I'm not sure who Viola Davis is because I've never knowingly seen her in anything else, but apparently it's kind of a big deal having her in this movie. Thomas Mann, who plays Link, was also in "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" recently, but Pruitt Taylor Vince, Eileen Atkins and Kyle Gallner are almost completely wasted in their bit parts. It's not worth going through any more of the actors because you won't have heard of them and are unlikely to see them in anything else. Having said that, you barely get to see any of them here either. You do get to see massive CGI thunderstorms instead though.

I love excessive, big budget wastes of money like this because it almost justifies the price of the ticket. I'd rather pay $10 to see something with high production values than the same amount for some half-arsed camcorder crap no matter what the subject matter may be. Unfortunately, "Beautiful Creatures" isn't all explosions, bangs, and the kind of spectacle which makes for a true cinematic experience. It has its moments, but it's mostly a drawn-out romantic drama with a kind of "Harry Potter" aesthetic and dialogue which wouldn't be out of place in "Jennifer's Body", "Juno" or some other pop-culture reference filled piece of pseudo-hipsterishness for little girls.

My advice is to wait for this to come out on DVD and then rent it.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

"In this spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past."

Sometimes there's nothing wrong with a bit of low-brow, action-horror full of CGI if you're in the right mood for it, and that's precisely what you get with "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters".

Directed by Norwegian Tommy Wirkola, who was also responsible for the dreadful and vastly overrated "Dead Snow" (2009), "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" continues his love for over-the-top gore and allows him to throw in some light-hearted touches which make it a rather fun experience if you are the kind of person who can switch off your brain enough to enjoy the ride. It's not a movie which will stand up to any kind of critical deconstruction because it's predictable as can be and contains so many anachronisms that it makes "Van Helsing" look like a historical documentary in comparison.

Of course, it's impossible to say anything about "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" without mentioning "Van Helsing" (2004). Both movies are firmly in the "fantasy action adventure" category, they look almost identical, and, to be honest, if it hadn't been for Stephen Sommers, I doubt that this genre of movies would still have a market. There really are some people who actually like "Van Helsing" and, presumably, the Paramount and MGM executives have been looking for a way to emulate Universal's cash grab for some time. Thus, "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" has similarly cool weaponry, wire work, and CGI in bucket loads. What it does differently, however, is up the violence and profanities. It's also a lot quicker over the ground.

Don't go into this thinking that you are going to see the quintessential dramatisation of the "Hansel and Gretel" fairytale or you will be severely disappointed. That part is dealt with so quickly that it's almost shameful. There are so many ways that it should have been lengthened to show the kids being tortured and force fed by the cannibal witch that I'm sure someone will do precisely that eventually to redress the balance. The Brothers Grimm are probably spinning in their graves at the liberties which have been taken here.

"Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" isn't really a film that's either about kids (except as a plot point) or for kids anyway. It's only meant to be a throwaway, January, popcorn flick which showcases the talents of Jeremy Renner ("Hawkeye" from "The Avengers") and gorgeous Gemma Arterton (from "The Disappearance of Alice Creed") as they get into some severe badassery in an overblown 3D pop video. As someone who has already learned to expect very little from Paramount and MGM, I can't say that there's anything wrong with them making a film like this at all. I'm only surprised that they didn't wait to release it during the Summer.

While "Haweye" and "Alice" turn in some fairly decent and potty-mouthed performances, this isn't a film that's concerned about acting or characterisation so much as it is about stunts, automatic weapons, and spectacle. It easily excels in all three of the latter and makes an ideal replacement for the "Underworld" franchise. Just like "Underworld: Awakening" (2012), you really need to see it in 3D for the full experience even though the gimmicky effects are too fast and too dark in some places.

For me, Famke Janssen stands out the most as Muriel the evil witch, but that's probably because I'm biased and fancy her even with her horror face on. Your mileage may vary especially with Pihla Viitala looking equally lovely as the good witch Mina. It's a pity that Ingrid Bolsø Berdal isn't allowed to have a glamorous moment, but that's karma paying her back for being in "Chernobyl Diaries" which I still haven't managed to get through. If I want to see Ingrid looking hot, I'll just rewatch "Cold Prey" anyway.

I would like to say something good about Derek Mears (Jason Voorhees from the "Friday the 13th" remake) as Edward the troll, but I can't. I'm not sure how much of his costume is practical and how much is enhanced with CGI, but it's not really important. Either way, his character is rather pointless after one scene and isn't a million miles away from being a clone of the Frankenstein monster from "Van Helsing".

A lot of stuff is shot against a green screen which makes a bit of a mockery of the location filming in Germany, but to give credit where it's due, the forest and faux mediaeval village setting look perfect. If you want all the "smoke and mirrors" spoiled for you, watch the video below.



I highly recommend "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" particularly to "horror-lite" fans. If you fancy a bit of instantly forgettable fun this weekend, you could do a lot worse. At the very least, it's a mainstream theatrical release which delivers a substantial amount of adrenaline-pumping entertainment.

Witchville (2010)

"In the Middle Ages, Erik and Jason seek out his compatriot Malachy and force him to return to his homeland."

Well, since it's "Fantasy Friday", here's a nasty thing from the SyFy channel for you starring Luke Goss, Ed Speleers, MyAnna Buring and Sarah Douglas. You'd have to have spent your life under a rock like my Blogger/Twitter stalker to not know who any of these people are, but I'll remind you anyway.

Luke Goss is, of course, one half of the Bros boyband from the late '80s who now fancies himself as an actor. In fairness, he isn't too bad in any of the movies that I've seen him in although he's reached the age where he looks like a poor man's Jason Statham rather than the pop idol he once was. As King Malachy in "Witchville", he's credible enough especially as it's only a B-movie anyway.

Allegedly, Ed Speelers is famous for playing "Eragon" in the 2006 movie of the same name, but I haven't watched it yet. Maybe I'll do that next week since I've heard a few good things about it. If it has big CGI dragons in it then I can't wait! Yes, that was sarcasm. He doesn't have the biggest role in "Witchville" apart from being tied up and tortured, but that's good enough for me.

MyAnna Buring is someone who you should know from "The Descent" and a few other horror movies that I've reviewed on this blog including "Credo" and "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2". She's a very good looking girl and always adds a nice bit of blonde allure to whatever she's in even though her acting skills seem to be minimal. She's underused once again here as a warrior-sorceress, but at least she looks the part.

Finally, Sarah Douglas started off as one of the brides of Dracula in Dan Curtis' 1974 adaptation but only achieved real fame in the "Superman" movies as Ursa. In "Witchville", she plays "The Red Queen" quite adequately even if it's just a case of dressing up in feathers like a big, scary chicken version of Darth Vader.

There's not much to like in this movie other than the serious tone and the background music. The CGI effects would have been okay in "Hercules" or "Xena: Warrior Princess", but there aren't many of them, and they look dated. The oversized leeches are the highest point with the lightning bolts of magic and glowing eyes which change colour being the lowest.

If you are into "sword and sorcery" B-movies then you might also get a kick out of this one. It's rather slow and very formulaic, but some of the action sequences are interestingly choreographed, and the filming location in China suits the story well. Unfortunately, "Witchville" is still as instantly forgettable as all the other SyFy movies.

Witchfinder General (1968)

(AKA "Conqueror Worm")



"England is torn in civil strife as the Royalists battle the Parliamentary Party for control. This conflict distracts people from rational thought and allows unscrupulous men to gain local power by exploiting village superstitions. One of these men is Matthew Hopkins, who tours the land offering his services as a persecutor of witches."

Although I prefer "Mark of the Devil" (1970), for the 18th day of my "Hallowe'en Countdown", I offer you the director's cut of "Witchfinder General" which I have embedded above.

Back in the '80s, there was an unofficial novelisation of "Witchfinder General" in the series of pulp horror paperbacks published by Sphere and written by James Darke (a pseudonym for Laurence James) called "The Witches". I read those books long before I ever saw "Witchfinder General" for the first time and think they were rather good for what they were. For all of its merits, you see, "Witchfinder General" is a little bit tame in its non-director's cut version, and even with the gorier bits put back in, it's not exactly terrifying as a horror movie.

Where "Witchfinder General" does excel though is in how Vincent Price plays Matthew Hopkins without hamming the role up. It's quite a surprise to see that Vincent Price can actually act although the arguments on set between him and the director which caused such restraint are legendary. Vincent Price and Michael Reeves did not get on well together with Vincent being quite a primadonna considering that he wasn't even the first choice for the role. Originally, Michael Reeves wanted Donald Pleasance to play Matthew Hopkins, but Vincent Price was considered a better draw for American audiences.

As much as I love most of Vincent Price's movies, I wonder what "Witchfinder General" would have been like without him. His American accent is a bit incongruous among all the British ones, and, of course, he's too old to match the historical Matthew Hopkin's age. I don't think anyone else would have looked right either except perhaps John Hurt, but he was hardly a big name in 1968.

In the very late '70s, I was a huge fan of Ian Ogilvy as Simon Templar in the "Return of the Saint" TV series, and it's hard for me to get that later role out of my head whenever I rewatch "Witchfinder General". His Roundhead captain character, Richard Marshall, is too posh to be a "jumped up ploughboy" (as he is referred to in the script), but he's still fairly decent as a dashing hero whose life is torn apart. When I first saw "Witchfinder General" in the late '80s, I almost felt sorry for his character at times. Now that I'm older, harder and wiser, maybe not so much.

Hilary Dwyer plays the love interest and the cause of most of the problems for Richard Marshall. If only Sara Lowes wasn't so "easy", she could have saved everyone a load of trouble.

I found the scene where Sara offers herself to Matthew Hopkins to be far too hasty and contrived. She isn't in any real danger herself at that point, and there is no deliberating about it whatsoever. Having previously been fornicating in the Rectory with her future husband, she's no innocent. In many ways, what happens is simply the justice of "horror movie morality" being served.

Highlights of "Witchfinder General" include spotting all the British talent who went on to mainly do TV work including Nicky Henson, Rupert Davies, Bernard Kay, and Wilfrid Brambell (most famous for being Albert Steptoe). It's also a rather unpleasant piece of nostalgia as not only did Michael Reeves succumb to a drug overdose a year later but Patrick Wymark (who has a cameo as Oliver Cromwell) died a couple of years later as well.

"Witchfinder General" looks good, has a similar vibe to it as a Hammer production, but it isn't the most historically accurate depiction of 17th century England. The more eagle-eyed of you should scan the background for some obvious goofs including TV aerials.

According to the records, the extreme torture methods such as those used by the Spanish Inquisition to extract confessions were rarely used in England, and witches weren't burned at the stake in the 17th century. That's not to say that there were never burnings, but it was a punishment reserved for treason. If a suspected witch confessed to treason as well, there would be grounds for a burning, but hangings were the easier, preferred, and most common form of execution. Even in the case of Guy Fawkes, who we Brits all remember with our "Bonfire Night" on November 5th every year, he was never actually burnt at the stake either but condemned to hang.

Anyway, have a look at "Witchfinder General" for yourself, and let me know what you think about it in the comments section below.