Grave Halloween (2013)

"An American college student studying in Japan risks her own life to save the spirit of her dead mother, who killed herself in the notorious Suicide Forest."

Have you heard of Aokigahara Forest before? No? Me neither. Apparently, it's the trendy place to go if you want to commit suicide in Japan, and there's a famous book about it from the 1960s called "Black Sea of Trees" by Seichō Matsumoto. It's also the setting for Steven R. Monroe's vengeful ghost movie "Grave Halloween".

Since Hallowe'en is a Western custom, if you're now wondering what Japanese ghosts have to do with it, remember that this is a "Syfy Original" movie. Even the most tenuous links will suffice when Syfy are putting titles together for their "31 Days of Halloween" month. The Japanese may not celebrate Hallowe'en as such (although many of them are aware of it), but this movie is primarily about a group of American and Canadian exchange students who decide to film their investigation of the haunted Aokigahara Forest on Hallowe'en anyway. Additionally, it was all shot in Vancouver.

Director Steven R. Monroe is, of course, famous (or infamous) for the "I Spit on Your Grave" remake, its sequel, and nearly a dozen more cheap and nasty Syfy Channel movies. Basically, he's a professional director for hire rather than an auteur, but he usually manages to slip a nice bit of gore into his movies as a kind of trademark. Thus, "Grave Halloween" may surprise a few people with the level of gore in a made-for-TV movie. There's a stick through the throat, an "Evil Dead"-style pulling of arms and legs off, and a fairly realistic broken leg among the effects. Obviously, there's no swearing or nudity this time because "Grave Halloween" is another hypocritical MA-14.

Canadian Kaitlyn Leeb and a taller American guy.

Fans of Asian horror will certainly find something to enjoy in this movie even if it's only to ogle half-Chinese Kaitlyn Leeb (the three-breasted woman from the "Total Recall" remake). Her character, Maiko, is the one responsible for everyone going to the forest due to her birth-mother's suicide there and having received a mysterious box of trinkets through the mail which she wants to use for a Sadake (or blessing/atonement) ritual. If you aren't down with the kids who all seem to be obsessed with Japan these days, or have never heard of "Sadake" before, simply replace the word with Sudoku because it's only a MacGuffin. The students never get to perform their ritual or play Sudoku because they're too busy getting killed by long-haired ghosts!

Ignoring the Japanese elements, "Grave Halloween" is essentially a backwoods slasher which homages "The Evil Dead" and "The Blair Witch Project". Unlike the latter, however, it's not a found footage movie, just one that's quickly filmed with slightly shaky handycams. It's bickering "teenagers" getting bumped off, one by one, by various ghosts (some of which look a lot like zombies) with all the usual clichés and tropes.

The main actors are a mix of bit part players from American and Canadian TV, but they do okay in their poorly differentiated and two-dimensional roles. It's not worth mentioning their names because nobody has ever heard of them. One of the more obnoxious Americans says, "That's super comforting!" at 42 minutes in, and if you already know my feelings about this bloody annoying valley girl intensifier, you'll probably be surprised that I didn't switch the movie off right there and then. But I made it to the end (with my teeth-clenched in fury) just so that I could pan it some more.

Apart from being predictable, the worst thing about "Grave Halloween" is that the backstory is more interesting than the mystery which unfolds or the creepiness of the setting. The details about Japan, its laws and customs, and how ignorant gaijin (foreigners) often behave like disrepectful assholes (and deserve to be cursed) are spot-on, but for all the positives, too much relies on xenophobia. Maybe that's a good thing, though, if it keeps people away from the real Suicide Forest.

Haunter (2013)

"The ghost of a teenager who died years ago reaches out to the land of the living in order to save someone from suffering her same fate."

Remember Vincenzo Natali the director of "Cube" (1997) and "Splice" (2009)? Well, he's back with a supernatural mystery which is available via VOD just in time for Hallowe'en. Don't get too excited, though, because "Haunter" tries to be more cerebral than scary and fails at being either.

The biggest problem is that "Haunter" is another typically Canadian remix of over half a dozen already extremely well known movies and at least two recent TV shows.

The first things I thought of when I started watching it were "Groundhog Day" (1993), "The Lovely Bones" (2009), "Voices" (1973), and "Lady in White" (1988), but there are also some quite blatant borrowings from "The Others" (2001), "Marchlands", and "American Horror Story". Throw in a few tiny homages to "The Collector" (1965), "The Matrix" (1999), and even "Dark Skies" (2013), and you have your movie.

If the wind changes, you'll stay like that. Oh wait...

As "Haunter" is essentially a ghost story, there are bound to be some formulaic similarities to previous ghost stories, but that's still no excuse for all the cloning. It's laziness for the most part, although it's dangerously close to plagiarism in others. I've only read parts of "The Lovely Bones" novel and have never seen Peter Jackson's movie adaptation, but if I can see the resemblances, I'm sure Alice Sebold will!

I'm not saying that "Haunter" isn't fairly enjoyable or well made. The cinematography borders on beautiful, and atmospherically, it's not a million miles away from Spanish thrillers such as "The Orphanage" (2007) or several of the more "girlie" Asian horrors. The acting is competent too, apart from Abigail Breslin who only has one big-eyed expression and is prone to sighing, gasping, and breathing heavily to compensate. Consequently, there are more close-ups than are strictly necessary, but that's a minor niggle.

The three time periods of 1985, the present day, and the late 1950s look the part as far as I can tell. As somebody who has no idea what Ontario looked like in the main 1985 time zone, I assume that kids were into much the same things as I was, but I'm a bit dubious about the Atari games console or Siousxie and the Banshees still being popular in the mid-80s rather than 3 or 4 years before. I've always imagined Canada as being a few years behind everyone else, so maybe it's spot on. My Canadian readers will have to let me know.

Overall, "Haunter" is a decent but very predictable PG-13 ghost story with no scares, no swearing or nudity, and very little violence. It's an upgrade for teenage fans of "Goosebumps" or "Are You Afraid of the Dark", but it's far too kiddified if you're an adult. I'll give it an extra point because it held my interest to the end.

This poster sucks! Why is she in a jar? Why?

Ghost Team One (2013)

"Two roommates deathly afraid of ghosts both fall in love with a girl who believes their home is haunted."

I don't know why everyone is calling "Ghost Team One" a "comedy". It isn't funny, and it doesn't even have a particularly happy ending. What it does have is lots of awkwardness and the same atmosphere as the American version of "The Office" (which also isn't funny), and of course, a hot chick (or two) to ogle.

"Ghost Team One" is essentially another completely unneccessary "Paranormal Activity" parody which brings the number of such abominations up to an unlucky 13. How and why this has become a subgenre in itself is undoutedly due to the YouTube generation who can't seem to get enough of webcams, shakycams, and mediocrity. For those of us who prefer a real movie, these faux found footage movies are mostly an annoying waste of time.

There are a couple of neat effects in "Ghost Team One" which you don't often see in a glorified YouTube video like this, but it isn't a horror movie by any stretch of the imagination either. In fairness, though, I don't think it was ever intended to be. It's not "found footage horror" per se that this movie is lampooning but the whole "amateur-looking footage" subgenre in general. Even YouTube gets targetted!

The downfall with this, however, is that "Ghost Team One" is as tame as its targets when it comes to the adult situations: Punches are pulled everywhere, e.g. pornographic images on a bedroom wall are pixellated, and the "jokes" (if you can call them that) are little more than schoolboyish. Think Benny Hill but less creepy with it. For a movie which uses the promise of "horny ghosts" as its selling point (especially as the only ghost in it is supposed to have been a Vietnamese prostitute!), it's very disappointing.

Two guys I've never heard of and Fernanda Romero.

As I have no sense of humour when it comes to comedy-horror movies, spoofs or otherwise, I hate to say it, but I was slightly entertained by "Ghost Team One" in a low-rent "Men Behaving Badly" (British version, naturally) way. It's well written, the drama is nicely done, and the characters are stupidly amiable but harmless enough. Once you get used to the awful camerawork, the whole purpose of "Ghost Team One" is only an excuse to lust over Fernanda Romero anyway. If Fernanda wasn't in it, I doubt that I would have made it to the end.

Fernanda Romero (who keeps her real first name and clothes on throughout) steals every scene she's in to such an extent that "Ghost Team One" is best described as her "vehicle". If anyone else involved in this movie is deluded enough to think otherwise, they need to grab themselves a reality check next time they go to 7-Eleven for their taquitos and slushies, and understand that, apart from a few infantilised adults (who were born in the '80s and '90s) and their friends, the majority of people who will eventually buy this movie on DVD or Blu-ray are just going to skip to the parts with Fernanda in and crack open another box of tissues. Yes, she really is that hot!

Putting the novelty value of "Ghost Team One" as a "latino" movie aside, since I often tend to overrate any kind of Spanish or Mexican movie even when they are filmed in Los Angeles, I don't recommend this one. I'll give everybody credit for having a go, but "Ghost Team One" would have been better as a series of webisodes.

Fernanda Romero is the centre of attention.

The Monkey's Paw (2013)

"Jake is given a monkey's paw that grants three wishes. After the first two wishes leave his friend Cobb undead, Cobb pushes Jake to make a final wish."

Oh great! A generic re-imagining of W.W. Jacobs' classic short story—a more horrific re-imagining of "The Three Wishes" by the Brothers Grimm—which has very little to do with the original other than having a wish-granting monkey's paw in it. If you think you've seen it all before, you probably have, especially as the first movie version of "The Monkey's Paw" was made way back in 1915 and remade more than a dozen times since.

"The Monkey's Paw" has also been used as a theme so many times that it's hard to keep track of. Just off the top of my head, the "Wish You Were Here" segment from "Tales from the Crypt" (1972) is one of the more well known variants, "Deathdream" or "Dead of Night" (1972) puts a Vietnam war spin on things, and even "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" reworked the core of the story into an episode called "Forever". Thus, it's only logical that, sooner or later, someone else would realise that "The Monkey's Paw" contains a certain element which is very popular at the moment, and decided to make another bloody zombie movie out of it!

In fairness, the resurrection of an already decomposing corpse is the scariest part of W.W. Jacob's story, and Stephen King also ran amok with its idea of the dead coming back wrong for "Pet Sematary", but did something which you can read in under 10 minutes really have to be dragged out for another feature length movie?

With the first two wishes granted in less than 25 minutes, this Chiller Films version of "The Monkey's Paw" takes far too long to tell a story which could be wrapped up in 5 more. In fact, around 50 minutes in, Gillespie (Daniel Hugh Kelly), the previous owner of the paw, retells the original story as exposition in a lot less time than that!

"I wish I was still on Harper's Island."

Apart from a ton of padding (including a police investigation which only exists to give Charles S. Dutton from "Halloween H20" a cameo), the plot of "The Monkey's Paw" is mostly "Ugh, I'm a psycho-zombie, look at what you've done to me! Give me my wish or I'll kill everybody you know!" for over an hour, and it soon gets pretty boring. It's one cliché after another, and towards the end, it almost becomes another "Friday the 13th"-style slasher to make sure that the machete kills homage absolutely everything in the horror genre which director Brett Simmons has watched.

The cookie-cutter eyecandy provided by C.J. Thomason from "Harper's Island" (for the girls) and Michelle Pierce from "NCIS" (for the boys) does nothing to redress the balance after turning Stephen Lang (a real actor) into a soulless zombie, but I suppose that's Chiller for you. As usual, there's no nudity or swearing because Chiller are hypocrites and those things are far worse than showing violence. Oh, and they just had to set the story in New Orleans because everybody (including "American Horror Story") is trying to make Louisiana the cool place to be creepy again this year.

While the acting is okay, and the gore effects aren't bad for a sanitised TV movie, there's no "oomph" to this: There are no scares and no chance whatsoever of a memorable punchline. Well, not when you already know exactly what that punchline will be anyway. Watch the 1948 version instead.

Enough with the Paranormal Activity clones and parodies already!

Who would have thought that when "Paranormal CRAPtivity"—a low-budget haunted house movie that most people only liked because of buxom beauty Katie Featherston and the original downbeat ending which was changed to a lamer one—came out in 2007, it would lead to so many clones and parodies?

When it comes to clones, the Japanese almost got there first with their "Official Sequel" which came out (on November 20th, 2010) before the true sequel (actually a prequel) in their country but a month later for everyone else. It was a nice try though.

Predictably, we then had two more "Paranormal Activity" cashgrabs which gave us exactly the same jump scares all over again but even less so. Sadly, a fifth movie is rumoured to be on the way next year too.

Back to 2009, and The Asylum just had to make their own mockbuster version called "Paranormal Entity". Bizarrely, it's slightly better than the movie it clones, and it's cheaper to buy. But then they had to go and ruin everything by renaming some of their not very good movies for the UK. "Paranormal Entity 2" is really "8213: Gacy House" (2010), in case you didn't already know.

Keeping their artwork in the same style, The Asylum also delivered "Paranormal Entity 3: The Exorcist Tapes" aka "Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes" (2011) and "Paranormal Entity 4: The Awakening" aka "100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck" (2012) to the unsuspecting British public.

While not really the same thing, "Grave Encounters" (2011) and "Grave Encounters 2" (2012) would have earned less condemnation if they'd thought of some more original artwork to use. The sequel, however, is apparently full of YouTubers, which is enough reason to not watch it on its own.

It's this cloning of artwork that's started to get even more annoying than the movies on the DVDs inside the boxes! Shame on you, "Paranormal Incident" (2011) and "Paranormal Asylum" (2013). Who do you think you're fooling?

And then, of course, we had to have the spoofs, since horror has to be all about the comedy for certain Americans, doesn't it? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! No one cares! You may call it comedy, the rest of the Western world doesn't. We call it being jealous haters with no original thoughts of your own.

No, I couldn't find a sleeve for Jason Gerbay's "Abnormal Activity 2". I don't know if such a thing even exists (there's no IMDb page for it), but I don't intend to ever watch any of this no-budget "comedy" crap anyway. Perhaps it might be good, but I don't like comedies.

And then there were more... "Paranormal Calamity" (2010) and "Paranormal Parody" (2011). At least the latter unimaginatively lets you know exactly what it is!

And more... "Supernatural Activity" (2011) and "Paranormal Movie" (2012). Why?

Earlier this year, this nonsense seemed to reach its peak with Marlon Wayans' spoof "A Haunted House" (2013) and an inevitable porn parody. And that should have been the end of it. Really, it should have been.

But no! We also have an even more lacklustre offering in the form of "30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (2013) and the equally abysmal "Paranormal Whacktivity" (2013) only released last night! Aaaargh!

For the love of God! Enough already! Please STOP!


Update: April 30th, 2015

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary (2013)

"Mary Malone (aka Typhoid Mary) was committed to a NY insane asylum to live in solitary after being blamed for spreading Typhoid Fever in the early 20th Century. After decades in isolation she died alone on North Brother Island. Now, nearly 100 years later, two best friends and aspiring filmmakers are setting out to find out what really happened. What starts as a simple investigation turns into a battle for survival, as they discover Mary may be dead, but she's certainly not gone."

If you've been wandering around Walmart recently, you've probably seen this DVD a few times and wondered if it's worth watching. That coverart looks spooky, doesn't it? I bet you think it'll be shit-yer-pants scary! But let's cut straight through the chase here, it's not!

"Paranormal Asylum" is also nothing to do with the "Paranormal Activity" movies or even The Asylum's "Paranormal Entity", but you have to give the filmmakers credit for deliberately creating a confusingly named product which someone is going to buy by accident eventually. The thing is, the plot is nothing like any of those movies unless being a clone of "Grave Encounters" or its sequel counts in any way. Unfortunately, I haven't watched more than 5 minutes of either (except on fast-forward), so I can't say for sure. The word on the street, however, is that "Paranormal Asylum" is an even lower-budget knock off of that already low-budget crap, and I have no reason to doubt it.

Judged on its own merits, "Paranormal Asylum" is absolutely bloody terrible. The story barely makes sense, and the camerawork is so godawful that it's tiresome to watch. It's as if whoever filmed it has no idea how cameras work, how to frame anything, or how to position themselves for the best view. Couple that with the editing which cuts too quickly between shots, and it often becomes nauseating to boot. While I can accept that some of the earlier footage is supposed to look amateur due to small cameras being set up everywhere, in scenes where it's not supposed to be obvious that anyone is holding a camera (and close-ups take over which swing back and forth or whirl around characters), it's actually worse!

Like most low-budget horror movies, the acting is okay in some places and non-existent in others. It's so varied this time though, it makes me wonder if there was ever a complete script involved or if scenes were made up as they went along. Apart from a load of exposition, the rest of the dialogue sounds like it belongs in the cut scenes of a computer game or some crappy Japanese cartoon. Maybe it's just because Nathan Spiteri (who plays Andy) has that kind of voice and delivery, but it's more likely to be because everything is so disjointed and hastily thrown together.

Tying up your possessed fiancée and confining her to bed always ends well.

A somewhat hilarious scene (which isn't meant to be) is when Michelle (Laura Gilreath) gets possessed by the spirit of Typhoid Mary and turns into a flickering escapee from one of those bad '80s computer game movies. Watching her teleport between steps all the way to her car amused me for all the wrong reasons, and I couldn't take anything seriously after that. It's a shame because Laura Gilreath is uber hot and tends to perk things up considerably otherwise. There's no nudity, but at least she strips down to her bra and knickers eventually.

The other main character, Mark (Aaron Mathias), who has the best (albeit far too brief) supernatural encounters, does slightly better overall, despite taking approximately 47 minutes to realise that he's been seeing ghosts! Aaron Mathias seems to be a likeable chap with the right kind of borderline leading man looks to stand out although he doesn't do anything very memorable here. I suppose he does "scared" well enough, but he's the only one who is likely to be affected by any of the jump scares.

Outside of the threesome, minor characters randomly come and go with no rhyme or reason behind their appearances other than how Andy sets up appointments with them for Mark. How Andy knows any of these people remains a mystery within another mystery, especially as the ability to tell a story is not this movie's strong point.

I'm not going to spoil the ending for you because it's as stupid as everything else. Although it ties this mess together in the best way it can, it's completely out of left field and really not worth suffering through the rest of the movie to get to.

The artwork is the best part!

In that case, I'd hate to see a paranormal film that gets it wrong!

And some movies are better off not being made.

Don't confuse it with this:

For the love of God, make this cloning stop!

It's just as bad though.

My Top Ten Sexiest Ghost Films

Since I'm always getting accused of sexualising women (as if that's a bad thing!), let's have another top ten list of hot chicks to upset the prudes even more.

This time, it's mostly about the dead 'uns, but not in a creepy, necrophiliac way.


1. Ghost Story (1981)

Ah, Alice Krige. Whether she's Eva Galli or Alma Mobley doesn't matter. She a free spirit whose attractiveness leads to tragedy, but she still has her wicked way with two brothers... from beyond the grave!


2. Haunted (1995)

David Ash (Aidan Quinn) and Christina Mariell (Kate Beckinsale) do the nasty before he knows she's a ghost. But since Ash is a paranormal investigator, I doubt that prior knowledge of her supernatural status would have stopped him. And she's Kate Beckinsale, guys!


3. The Haunting Passion (1983)

Julia Evans (Jane Seymour) gets ravished by a romantic spectre. Who cares if it's a TV movie which leaves more to the imagination than it shows? Who even cares if ripoff artists are selling it on bootleg DVDs for over $100 on Amazon? "The Haunting Passion" allowed a whole generation of horny pubescent boys to see Jane Seymour have orgasms all over the place.


4. Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)

Lesbian ghosts (Oksana Borbat and Xeniya Fesenko) bring out the best in Michelle (Cerina Vincent), you know what I'm saying? If you have no idea what I mean, it's time for you to "Return to House on Haunted Hill" again!


5. Prom Night II (1987)

Probably the sexiest ghost from the late '80s, it's Mary Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage). Give or take some minor possessions, she's behind all the naughtiness in this movie.


6. The Others (2001)

It's not just because Nicole Kidman is hot. Oh no, it's not that simple in a list like this. Don't forget that Christopher Eccelstone turns up half-way through to give her a good seeing to. Now that's sexy!


7. High Spirits (1988)

"Skelping takes a lot out of you," unless you're Darryl Hannah and it makes your performance in a comedy-horror (which isn't funny or horrific) a million times more memorable!


8. The Legend of Hell House (1973)

Technically, Florence Tanner (Pamela Franklin) isn't diddled by a ghost, but she thinks she is. Gayle Hunnicutt gets all horny later too, which makes Emeric Belasco's possession something other than just rampantly heterosexual. Well, we are told that orgies occurred in Hell House, so Belasco must have been a right greedy bugger in his prime.


9. The Shining (1980)

I think we all know what happens when Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) thinks he's going to have sexy-funtime with Lia Beldam. It's hot until she changes unless you're into granny porn... and then it's even hotter!


10. The Entity (1982)

Again it's not technically a ghost who gives Carla Moran (Barbara Hershey) a rough time—it's a demon—but it's not as if she doesn't get any pleasure out of it at all. Plus it's Barbara Hershey naked with invisible (compressed air) fingers prodding her boobs! What's not to like?


Bonus: American Horror Story (2011)

The young version of Moira (Alexandra Breckenridge) has lots of saucy moments in the first season of "American Horror Story", but the brief faux-lesbian scene with Elizabeth Short (Mena Suvari) has to be the icing on the cake! It's hard to believe that this aired nearly two years ago. Bring back Moira!


Can you think of any more?