Sharknado (2013)

"A freak hurricane hits Los Angeles, causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in tornadoes and flooding the city with shark-infested seawater."

Since I mentioned it in my last post, I suppose I ought to say something about "Sharknado". What better movie to review for "Surprise Sunday" especially as the biggest surprise is that I actually liked it?

Yes, I can find very little wrong with "Sharknado" other than the obviously awful effects and scientific impossibilities. It's very nicely paced, has some amusing gore, lots of action, and even a couple of decent moments of suspense. As far as disaster movies go, "Sharknado" is as exciting as any of the Summer blockbusters. In particular, there's a sequence with a Ferris wheel which is really outstanding considering the low-budget.

I didn't get bored, although I nearly did during the school bus rescue scene and a bit of superfluous family drama near the end, so I'm going to rate "Sharknado" as one of the best movies from The Asylum that I've ever seen. Take that with a huge pinch of salt though because I've only seen half a dozen of their products anyway. Clearly some talent was accidentally allowed to sneak in which I doubt will ever happen again. The Asylum have been trying for years to make an intentionally "so bad it's good" cult movie, but more through luck than judgement, they got the balance right this time.

Enough said!

Having got the praise out of the way, it's time to look at the more negative aspects.

"Sharknado" is, of course, a "B movie". Worse than that, it's more like a C, D, E or F movie, but it's certainly not "Z grade" like most of the theatrical films that I've reviewed recently. There's entertainment to be had here if you are in the right frame of mind, or even if you aren't. A lot of message board snobs have said that they'll only watch "Sharknado" with a load of beer on board, but there's no need for that unless you want to make a party out of it.

The acting is TV quality which is in keeping with this being a TV movie, but some of it is uncommonly bad. The biggest name in the film is John Heard, and he's beyond awful. Maybe it's his age or the fact that he just didn't care that much, but his performance is painfully embarrassing to watch.

Ian Ziering does a fairly decent job as the annoying lead character named Fin (geddit?) who doesn't realise the "no good deed goes unpunished" rule no matter how many times it slaps him in the face. That surprised me because I absolutely loathed him when he used to play Steve in "Beverly Hills 90210". What a difference almost a quarter of a century makes! Mind you, I only used to watch that show for Shannen Doherty so I barely registered Ian Ziering and didn't ever know his real name.

I still don't really know who Tara Reid is. I know she's in a couple of movies which I have on DVD ("The Big Lebowski" and "Urban Legend"), but I can't say that I recognised the name or was able to put a face to it even with that information. Apparently she plays Fin's equally irksome ex-wife, but if you'd told me that she was the daughter I wouldn't have been any wiser. Neither of them do much in this movie so Tara Reid's status in my mind isn't going to change.

You're going to need a bigger bookcase!

Cassie Scerbo, the pretty, shotgun-toting brunette with a slightly wonky nose, steals every scene she's in, so if anyone will be remembered from "Sharknado" in a 100% positive way, it'll be her. She alternates from cute to sexy in a heartbeat and may be someone to look out for in the future. It seems that she was in "Bring It On: In It to Win It" (2007), but I don't remember too much about that or if I ever watched it. She'd probably be great as a final girl in a real horror movie.

There's not much else to say about "Sharknado" as it's just a bit of fun. Apart from a couple of stunts, all the action was done with CGI and green screens, plus some models and a couple of latex mock-ups, so make of it what you will.

I think there was more talent shown with this computer generated silliness than in movies with a far bigger budget so I'll not-so-grudgingly give out praise where it's due. The stars of the show are the often incongruous effects, but getting the movie to look half as good as it does with the budgetary contraints and schedule must have taken some doing. Realistically, I can imagine that it was a lot less fun for everybody behind the scenes. Whoever did the post-production editing had such a great sense of timing that they also deserve some kind of award.

I have no hesitation in recommending "Sharknado" as the "must see" SyFy channel movie of 2013. Since I'm an "elitist prick" rather than a hipster, I'm definitely not saying that to be ironic. I couldn't care less if it makes me look like a hypocrite either. There's an exception to every rule and liking "Sharknado" serves me right for making rules for myself in the first place.

"Sharknado" isn't something that I'm ever going to buy on DVD (unless it's in a multipack), but it's certainly worth a rental once it comes to Redbox in September. I'm sure it'll be reshown ad nauseum before then though.

The Haunting of Whaley House (2012)

"A tour guide at a notorious haunted house gets more than she bargained for during an unauthorized ghost-hunting session with friends."

As someone who gave up on ever seeing anything good come from "The Asylum" a very long time ago, I was in two minds about hiring "The Haunting of Whaley House". On one hand, it had a couple of my internet friends in it, but on the other, the closest "The Asylum" ever came to making a decent horror movie was "Paranormal Entity" (2009), and that has been turning on up in those pitiful Echo Bridge DVD compilations ever since. I wanted it to be okay, but I feared the worst.

I'd never heard of the Whaley House in San Diego or any of the true ghost stories surrounding it so, of course, I Googled it. Although the Wikipedia article was a bit brief, I also found another one from the Los Angeles Times which was obviously the inspiration for part of this film. Trust me, it's better if you read both these articles after watching "The Haunting of Whaley House" rather than before.

Apart from "Coolduder" (Shawn C. Phillips) who had a couple of amusing minutes at the start, and, of course, the very recognisable Maria Olsen who played yet another creepy character, I didn't know the names of anyone else in the cast. The truth is, I don't think many of them had ever been in a movie before, and it showed. The acting was inconsistent at best (and non-existent most of the time), but it was never so completely horrible that I wanted to stop watching. Against my normally better judgement, I actually found "The Haunting of Whaley House" to be quite enjoyable for a B (or even C) grade horror movie.

Although Stephanie Greco was the only one who stood out in a very good way, it wasn't just because she was the prettiest. Compared to the other cast members, she could definitely act a bit too. I sort of liked all of the actors/characters really apart from the psychic, Keith Drummond (Howard McNair), who got on my nerves at times with his "ITV agony aunt" style of speaking.

One major flaw in the whole production was that it started off too light and schizophrenically alternated between trying to be a serious ghost story and a comedy from then on. "The Haunting of Whaley House" needed to be one thing or the other as, despite some creepy moments, it was a bit of a failure as far as scares were concerned. It had a very '80s feel to it at times, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing especially if, like me, you don't think much of most '80s horror movies in the first place.

The set design for the Whaley House was very well done, and I have a feeling that was where most of the estimated $115,000 budget went since none of this was filmed in the real Whaley House. I'd also guess that a lot of time went into the make-up effects which were above average for this kind of thing too. The ghosts really were quite terrifying to look at during the far too few occasions when they were seen.

Overall, I was very entertained by "The Haunting of Whaley House". Even though I'd rate it as well below average when compared to a classic haunted house movie such as "The Haunting" (1963), I liked how it cleverly worked all of the true Whaley House ghost stories into its plot, and so it gets a recommendation from me.

When a Killer Calls (2006)

"A babysitter begins receiving threatening phone calls from a man who has just killed an entire family."

Obviously this was yet another one of The Asylum's straight-to-DVD ripoffs of a similarly named theatrical film but since I've already seen the real "When a Stranger Calls" (1979) and the 2006 remake, I saw no harm in watching it five years on. If I'd bought it instead of either of the real movies then I would have been absolutely mortified though.

The problem with all three of these movies is that, beyond the initial trope of a babysitter being menaced by a psychopathic serial murderer which dates right back to "Fright" (1971), the phone call angle soon gets irritating rather than menacing.

Also, because the original "When a Stranger Calls" had quite a good first 25 minutes and little else to recommend it, any subsequent feature length movie which copies the best parts from it as the main "gimmick" also ends up overlong and tedious.

"When a Killer Calls" runs out of steam fairly quickly in spite of adding a lot more gore than the the PG-13 rated "When a Stranger Calls" remake. The kills are quite good and brutal enough in themselves to satisfy most people but the mostly sub-par acting which surrounds them ruins their impact.

After an hour of torturously getting to know yet another bunch of unlikeable teenagers, "When a Killer Calls" turns into a full-on home invasion movie with a healthy dollop of real torture and semi-nudity just to spice things up.

I have to admit that although I initially didn't like Rebekah Kochan as babysitter Trisha, mainly due to her extremely cheap and nasty looking make-up, she really does a great job of screaming, crying and looking terrified. Whether or not a psychopath would find Trisha so attractive that he would kill for her is a moot point since he's a nutter but that's the only motivation that is given.

I also have to admit that although a few parts of "When a Killer Calls" are quite tedious, The Asylum didn't do such a bad job with this film as they have with most of their others. It's still not a good film but it's certainly quite watchable and the ending itself is refreshingly satisfying.

If you are a B-movie slasher fan and you find "When a Killer Calls" to buy very cheaply then it's another to add to your collection but horror aficionados should give it a miss. I know a lot of people have bought into The Asylum's intentional lack of originality and have started to collect these movies because of the amusing titles but really they are all awful and far more likely to disappoint than entertain.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)

"There's a crisis in the Florida Everglades as giant pythons are threatening the alligator population."

Normally I wouldn't review one of these crappy "Mega" B-movie creature features from The Asylum but it's got to the stage where there are so damned many of them that I have to say something about this crap.

The stars of this film obviously aren't the awful CGI monsters but instead are the middle-aged, former popstars, Deborah Gibson and Tiffany Darwish, who, incidentally, also happen to be the co-producers. None of that made me even the slightest bit curious about "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid". No, what made me watch it was that it was directed by Mary Lambert whose name most people recognise from "Pet Sematary" (1989).

If you've followed her career through the IMDb, Mary Lambert got very lucky with "Pet Sematary", didn't do quite so well with "Pet Sematary 2" (1992) and then went even further downhill with more straight-to-video productions such as "Urban Legends: Bloody Mary" (2005) and "The Attic" (2008). Compared to the latter, "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" looks like Oscar material.

Of course, I hate it. I loathe and detest everything The Asylum puts out. To be fair, I also despise Troma, most films redistributed by Echo Bridge, homemade, no-budget, handycam nasties, and 99% of the Full Moon catalogue. I simply wouldn't be writing this blog guide to the "best horror films ever made" if I genuinely believed that any of that slew of shit were worth wasting either my time or your time on. Some people have blogs dedicated entirely to such z-grade trash but I am not one of them. I don't find this subgenre funny or entertaining. It's nothing but a rip-off and, with the present state of the economy, none of us can afford to waste our money on such amateur nonsense. Hell, it's bad enough trying to find a decent, professionally made, big-budget horror film without ploughing through all the confusingly named clones and enticing DVD artwork falsely advertising the content of the blandness within.

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" is NOT a good film. It's NOT a bad film that's so bad that it's good. It's just a BAD film. I can't even give it any credit for killing off the annoying old battleaxe from "Desperate Housewives" whose name I can't remember or for trying to be funny with all the fighting between former pop-rivals Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. Nobody remembers who they are now. The in-jokes abound but it's all too late.

The really funny thing, for me anyway, is that Tiffany actually appears to be able to act. She's certainly much better than Debbie Gibson whose painfully thin physique makes me want to start a "Feed Debbie Gibson" campaign in the same way that I once found it amusing to create various forum threads demanding, "Please Feed Angela Bettis!"

Although both Tiffany and Debbie have both been in other crappy mockbusters from The Asylum, "Mega Piranha" (2010) and "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" (2009) respectively, neither of them has the star potential or acting ability to carry them off individually. Surrounding them with real actors, albeit mainly from TV, makes them look even worse. Together in one movie there is, of course, the potential to play them off against each other for comic effect and that is precisely what happens. But, as I said, it's not actually very funny and seeing two older woman rolling around on the floor catfighting is far more nauseating now than how erotic it would have been back when they were famous. It's a terrible shame that people get older, isn't it? Both Tiffany and Debbie have even been in Playboy years ago but I wouldn't want to see either of them in it now.

In fairness, there are times when neither actress looks their age and they certainly don't act like it. They are both still pretty but are teetering on the brink of "car crash" viewing, i.e. you don't really want to look but you just can't help yourself from ghoulishly staring. I still wouldn't kick either of them out of bed to get to my packet of Hobnobs though (not that I'm ever going to get the chance). Tiffany was never as facially attractive as Debbie Gibson (although I preferred her back in the day) but she does have a much better rack which she makes full use of throughout the film. If her boobs had been pushed up and out any more, I really think they would have popped. Actually, I would have quite liked to have seen that.

That's really all I have to say about "Mega Python vs. Gatorade" (as I shall now refer to it for being as vomit inducing as my least favourite beverage). There's no great story to this film (at least not one worth describing), the dialogue is awful, the effects are cheap, the CGI belongs in an X-box game, and it's all far too mind-numbingly stupid to enjoy. If you are foolish enough to stream this movie through Netflix, watch out for a cameo by Mickey Dolenz which may appease a few people who hated "The Monkees".

I admit it, I hate comedies and I have no sense of humour.

I think we all know where this film is going.