The Top Ten Most Horrific Public Information Films

Remember the scary Public Information Films from the 1970s?

No? Well, you're probably not British, and this post will mean nothing to you.

Those of us who saw these short warning movies (and who survived into adulthood) never broke through fences to run across railway tracks, didn't talk to strangers, never tried to rescue our frisbees which were stuck to the transformers in electrical substations, didn't play hide and seek in discarded fridges, and had absolutely no intention of ever swimming in stagnant pools of water.

Here's a quick top ten list of these PIFs. There are many others from different eras and countries, but the ones from the UK in the 1970s are still the best.


1. Dark and Lonely Water (1973)



With a voiceover by Donald Pleasence no less! How could you not heed this Grim Reaper's warning?

I wonder if Arnold Schwarzenneger likes the final line?


2. Apaches (1977)



Ever wanted to see a little kid drown in a pool of cowshit? You can now.

Five children in John Mackenzie's short end up dying horribly in various accidents, so there's something here for everyone. Personally, I feel sorry for the farmer.

This "feature" (which was intended to warn kids not play silly buggers around farms) was broken up into smaller segments and was shown on television until the early '80s. After that, British farms ceased to be exist due to shouty kids trespassing and dying all over them.


3. The Finishing Line (1977)



A precursor to "Battle Royale", perhaps? This gory PIF was soon banned in case it encouraged copycat crimes. It might have had something to do with all the blood and dead bodies too.

A more traditionally tragic British Rail PIF entitled "Robbie" (presented by Peter Purvis from "Blue Peter") took its place.


4. Searching (1974)



From John Krish (the director of "The Finishing Line") comes a heartwarming tale about the dangers of playing with matches.

Actually, it's really only the spooky aftermath of a tragic house fire, but the clues are in the echoes about what caused it.


5. Play Safe (1978)



Another PIF which was broken into smaller segments to scare schoolchildren during educational morning television programmes for "Schools and Colleges" on ITV.

Give or take some friendly cartoon birds voiced by Brian Wilde (Foggy in "Last of the Summer Wine") as an owl and Bernard Cribbins (narrator of "The Wombles") as a robin, this PIF tells you everything you need to know about the dangers of electricity. It's particularly relevant if you're a posh twat who has your own yacht.

Leave those frisbees alone too! All together now, "JIMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

Amusingly, another electrical substation became the setting for a bunch of young London casuals to break the rules in the 1989 PIF entitled "Football".


6. Last Christmas (1979)



This makes "Home Alone" look like a comedy. Oh wait...


7. Bandage (1976)



Never underestimate the danger of sparklers! No, really.

Forget cherry bombs, sparklers are known to be the cause of the most heinous firework related injuries ever.


8. Front Seat Child (1976)



One for the adults. Never let your creepy daughter sit in the front passenger seat unless you want to spend the rest of your life dressed in a dirty mac haunting children's playgrounds.


9. Protect & Survive: Casualties (1979)



Rated highly in Channel 4's viewers poll of the "100 Greatest Scary Moments", Patrick Allen narrated survival instructions which hit home, especially for the paranoid generation who lived in fear from the possible threat of nuclear war.

Thatcher's Britain has a lot to answer for.


10. Charley Says (1973-79)



You'd think that having zany DJ Kenny Everett voicing the cat would make these creepy cartoons fun, wouldn't you? You'd be so very wrong. Some small children were terrified of these, but they eventually got the message.


Bonus: The Top 50 Scariest Public Information Films




Don't have nightmares!

Sharknado (2013)

"A freak hurricane hits Los Angeles, causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in tornadoes and flooding the city with shark-infested seawater."

Since I mentioned it in my last post, I suppose I ought to say something about "Sharknado". What better movie to review for "Surprise Sunday" especially as the biggest surprise is that I actually liked it?

Yes, I can find very little wrong with "Sharknado" other than the obviously awful effects and scientific impossibilities. It's very nicely paced, has some amusing gore, lots of action, and even a couple of decent moments of suspense. As far as disaster movies go, "Sharknado" is as exciting as any of the Summer blockbusters. In particular, there's a sequence with a Ferris wheel which is really outstanding considering the low-budget.

I didn't get bored, although I nearly did during the school bus rescue scene and a bit of superfluous family drama near the end, so I'm going to rate "Sharknado" as one of the best movies from The Asylum that I've ever seen. Take that with a huge pinch of salt though because I've only seen half a dozen of their products anyway. Clearly some talent was accidentally allowed to sneak in which I doubt will ever happen again. The Asylum have been trying for years to make an intentionally "so bad it's good" cult movie, but more through luck than judgement, they got the balance right this time.

Enough said!

Having got the praise out of the way, it's time to look at the more negative aspects.

"Sharknado" is, of course, a "B movie". Worse than that, it's more like a C, D, E or F movie, but it's certainly not "Z grade" like most of the theatrical films that I've reviewed recently. There's entertainment to be had here if you are in the right frame of mind, or even if you aren't. A lot of message board snobs have said that they'll only watch "Sharknado" with a load of beer on board, but there's no need for that unless you want to make a party out of it.

The acting is TV quality which is in keeping with this being a TV movie, but some of it is uncommonly bad. The biggest name in the film is John Heard, and he's beyond awful. Maybe it's his age or the fact that he just didn't care that much, but his performance is painfully embarrassing to watch.

Ian Ziering does a fairly decent job as the annoying lead character named Fin (geddit?) who doesn't realise the "no good deed goes unpunished" rule no matter how many times it slaps him in the face. That surprised me because I absolutely loathed him when he used to play Steve in "Beverly Hills 90210". What a difference almost a quarter of a century makes! Mind you, I only used to watch that show for Shannen Doherty so I barely registered Ian Ziering and didn't ever know his real name.

I still don't really know who Tara Reid is. I know she's in a couple of movies which I have on DVD ("The Big Lebowski" and "Urban Legend"), but I can't say that I recognised the name or was able to put a face to it even with that information. Apparently she plays Fin's equally irksome ex-wife, but if you'd told me that she was the daughter I wouldn't have been any wiser. Neither of them do much in this movie so Tara Reid's status in my mind isn't going to change.

You're going to need a bigger bookcase!

Cassie Scerbo, the pretty, shotgun-toting brunette with a slightly wonky nose, steals every scene she's in, so if anyone will be remembered from "Sharknado" in a 100% positive way, it'll be her. She alternates from cute to sexy in a heartbeat and may be someone to look out for in the future. It seems that she was in "Bring It On: In It to Win It" (2007), but I don't remember too much about that or if I ever watched it. She'd probably be great as a final girl in a real horror movie.

There's not much else to say about "Sharknado" as it's just a bit of fun. Apart from a couple of stunts, all the action was done with CGI and green screens, plus some models and a couple of latex mock-ups, so make of it what you will.

I think there was more talent shown with this computer generated silliness than in movies with a far bigger budget so I'll not-so-grudgingly give out praise where it's due. The stars of the show are the often incongruous effects, but getting the movie to look half as good as it does with the budgetary contraints and schedule must have taken some doing. Realistically, I can imagine that it was a lot less fun for everybody behind the scenes. Whoever did the post-production editing had such a great sense of timing that they also deserve some kind of award.

I have no hesitation in recommending "Sharknado" as the "must see" SyFy channel movie of 2013. Since I'm an "elitist prick" rather than a hipster, I'm definitely not saying that to be ironic. I couldn't care less if it makes me look like a hypocrite either. There's an exception to every rule and liking "Sharknado" serves me right for making rules for myself in the first place.

"Sharknado" isn't something that I'm ever going to buy on DVD (unless it's in a multipack), but it's certainly worth a rental once it comes to Redbox in September. I'm sure it'll be reshown ad nauseum before then though.