A movie called "Straight Outta Compton" is currently breaking box office records, so I'm sure that you've already seen a few memes for it on the social networks.
Other than being something to do with rappers, I have no idea what "Straight Outta Compton" is actually about. I probably won't ever see it until it ends up on Netflix anyway, but since I had nothing better to do for a few minutes, I thought I'd make a few memes for it too.
If you want to make one, the "Straight Outta Somewhere" meme generator can be found at: http://www.straightouttasomewhere.com. You can upload your own picture, change its size and contrast, and add whatever place name you want. You can't, however, correct the terrible abuse of the English language to "out of".
It's one of the cleverest and most successful marketing gimmicks (for a movie which I have no interest in) that I've seen so far.
"Juggling angry Russians, the British Mi5, and an international terrorist, debonair art dealer and part time rogue Charlie Mortdecai races to recover a stolen painting rumoured to contain a code that leads to lost Nazi gold."
As I've moved further and further away from the purest forms of the horror genre with nearly every review this year (mainly because there aren't any new horror movies left other than a few bottomfeeder indie ones on the VOD streams which I'm not likely to ever care about anyway), I thought that I might as well watch something completely different for this "Surprise Sunday".
Although I freely admit to disliking comedies in general (especially since the American ones are usually more spiteful and mean-spirited than horror), sometimes people need a little bit of comic relief in their lives. I have no problem with that. Just because comedy isn't really meant for me, it doesn't mean that I can't still objectively appreciate the merits of a film within that genre. Drama is drama, and a good story will usually entertain me regardless.
Thus, I decided to watch "Mortdecai". Having heard nothing but bad things about this R-rated box office flop from the "critics" (and the usual snarky assholes all over the internet), I also set myself a challenge to see if I would agree with them or end up being a contrarian.
This is the poster. Obviously.
Unfortunately, despite "Mortdecai" having a great cast of credible acting talents, a huge budget, and quite beautiful camerawork in places, I have to come down on the side of the critics. "Mortdecai" looks like a Brosnan-era "James Bond" film, but the story is both confusing and drawn out in equal measures, and the best thing it has going for it is the amusing Johnny Depp and Paul Bettany double-act which reminds me (and everybody else) of Inspector Clouseau and Cato (albeit with British accents).
I've never actually watched any of the "Pink Panther" movies in their entirety, mind you, but I saw substantial parts of most of them on television as a child. Mainly due to clip show quizzes such as the BBC's "Screen Test", some of the slapstick fighting scenes stuck in my memory. Therefore, whether the homages in "Mortdecai" are intentional or accidental, I have no real way of knowing. I have absolutely no desire to ever attempt to watch them again. Fans of Inspector Clouseau, however, will know for sure.
No funny caption for this. Something about carrying the film, maybe?
Moving on to things which I can properly appreciate, the stunts are very good, the locations were well chosen and dressed beforehand, and I don't have any real problem with the script. Other than Johnny Depp channelling Terry Thomas, none of it is that funny though, and the moustache gags are very repetitive and overused. "Mortdecai" also clearly suffers from pacing problems and padding more than a few times, but that still doesn't completely wreck the somewhat challenging non-linear narrative which is its own worst enemy.
Including small roles for Paul Whitehouse (who Brits like me tend to love) early on and Jeff Goldblum two-thirds in, the main problem with "Mortdecai" is that it doesn't allow any of the supporting players apart from Ewan McGregor to really stand out. Although I'm pretty sure that nobody involved wanted to create anything other than a Depp-centric product to entertain an audience for an hour and a half, sadly, it shows.
"Mortdecai" won't be winning any Oscars or major awards (unless the world goes even more batshit insane than it has done in the last two years), and it's not the most original comedy-spy movie that I've ever seen either, but it's relatively okay for what it is. It's not as good as any of the "Austin Powers" movies by any stretch of the imagination, but it has many intentionally amusing moments and a couple of extremely nauseating ones.
"Twenty-two years after the events of Jurassic Park, Isla Nublar now features a fully functioning dinosaur theme park, Jurassic World, as originally envisioned by John Hammond. After 10 years of operation and visitor rates declining, in order to fulfill a corporate mandate, a new attraction is created to re-spark visitor's interest, which backfires horribly."
I remember way back in the far distant past of 1993 that I was sixth in a queue of eager moviegoers over a mile long which ran all the way down the street from the cinema, past a park, and over a bridge. The original "Jurassic Park" was so hyped that the world went a little bit crazy that opening weekend for dinosaurs, and I'm proud to admit that I was part of the insanity. I may have been too old for it, but I still bought the action figures, books, and anything else labelled with the "Jurassic Park" brand.
Twenty-two years later, nothing seems to have changed apart from the age of the original audience. With box office takings of over $551 million so far, "Jurassic World" has become an unprecedented success for a third sequel, but it's not only due to my generation's nostalgia.
Dinosaurs have and always will be one of the biggest draws for audiences of all ages. Everyone loves dinosaurs! Stick a dinosaur in a movie and it's almost guaranteed money in the bank. A couple of dud sequels in the "Jurassic Park" series have done nothing to diminish the yearning to see more of the same.
Velociraptors and motorcycles are cool.
Since I'm trying to be not my seemingly negative and jaded self, let me just interject the obvious fact that "Jurassic World" is a PG-13 Summer movie meant for little kids and family audiences. As such, it's no better or worse than any other movie released to get asses on seats for money this year, and it's full of all the spectacle that you would imagine.
Unfortunately, "Jurassic World" is overlong at 124 minutes, and it often suffers both from lag and unsympathetic characters. In fact, the action doesn't even get going until around an hour in, so if you haven't seen it yet, you can arrive late and not miss anything very important. Apart from a load of exposition and crowd scenes of visitors to the new Jurassic theme park, the CGI dinosaurs mostly mill around aimlessly and aren't nearly as impressive or groundbreaking as in the original.
Chris Pratt plays an ex-marine who has semi-trained a bunch of velociraptors in one of many "Chekhov's Gun" tropes which predictably play out later on in the story. As the most charismatic actor in "Jurassic World", he tends to steal the show, especially from the younger actors who are more or less forgetten during the second-half.
Bryce Dallas Howard provides some corporate eye-candy with a heart, but minor characters and the other co-stars tend to remain minor and one-dimensional with no surprises or chemistry whatsoever. Having none of the original "Jurassic Park" cast members even in cameos, "Jurassic World" appears to have thrown the baby out with the bathwater for the sake of making everything "new".
And now for some SPOILERS. Stop reading here if you don't want to know!
Imodium Rex will scare the shit out of you.
SPOILERS
The best part of "Jurassic World" is undoubtedly a death scene at the 80 minute mark which almost rivals the opening sequence of "Jaws" (1975) in terms of excitement. Yes, it's the one with the aquatic Mosasaurus which is heavily featured in the marketing. Being CGI and rated PG-13, all the deaths are quite bloodless, but this one is rather good despite those limitations.
All the predictable fights ensue, and the Pterodactyls or Pteranodons which are a big part of Michael Crichton's novel are nicely used. Fans of flying reptiles will be pleased.
Obviously, the biggest thing in "Jurassic World" is the much touted super-dinosaur which is called Imodium Rex or something similar made-up for the sake of it. There's no great educational exploration of dinosaurs or any apparent scientific accuracy here, but the story works as a fantasy-adventure for the intended audience.
END OF SPOILERS
Overall, there's nothing really to hate in "Jurassic World", but there's not a lot that most people haven't already seen before, either in the previous "Jurassic Park" movies or clones. A few "in-jokes" and homages don't detract from the considerable retreading of the same ground as "Jurassic Park", but they don't add anything new or memorable either.
If you just want to relax, switch off most of your analytical brain functions, and enjoy a kids' movie (or have a family to take with you), you won't go wrong by choosing "Jurassic World" over the other theatrical offerings this month.
Including nods to similar scenes at the end of "Jurassic Park", this love letter to the fans (both young and old) is a worthy finale, but it will cause déjà vu.
Not only have Dahvie and Jayy made a mini horror movie for their new song 'Damaged", but they've made it as an extreme horror movie with some lovely torture at the end too. Bloody brilliant! This'll keep the haters busy for a while!
From some of things Dahvie Vanity has been saying on Twitter, and knowing his taste in movies, I had a feeling that he would do something like this eventually. It was still a nice surprise to see it actually happen though.
Directed by Rob Zombie's cinematographer Patrick Fogerty, "Damaged" boasts some impressively mean-spirited gore which is above and beyond what you'd normally see in a music video. The CGI fire and blood splatter effects give away that "Damaged" isn't a big-budget production, and it's a bit tongue-in-cheek (or tongue-in-a-pair-of-forceps to be precise), but posting it on YouTube is bound to be controversial.
Although a more cohesive storyline would have sorted out the slight incongruity between the style of the song itself and the visuals, the practical effects are used well, and the message that the boys want to get across is pretty clear. The "Bad Blood" album is very much Blood on the Dance Floor's love letter to their critics, and their fans will love this!
I don't expect "Damaged" to be available on YouTube for long until some prude or hater flags it, so watch it while you can!
Also check out Blood on the Dance Floor's official website at www.ilovebotdf.com.
I was sent this little quiz thing earlier today by DirtyGirl on Twitter. I have no idea where it originally came from, who made it, or why they made it, but it's been cropping up on various horror blogs and Facebook pages as some kind of meme.
Although it's more of a series of headings than actual questions, and I assume that it was created to preface a month's worth of daily blog posts, I thought I might as well get it out of the way. As usual, I've corrected the American spelling of "favorite" to British/Canadian/Australian English (because that missing "u" is so important!), but the other grammatical errors remain.
1. SCARIEST KID CHARACTER IN A HORROR MOVIE Ralphie Glick from "Salem's Lot" (1979). Runners-up would be the ghostly kids in "Lost Hearts" (1973).
2. BEST SEX SCENE MURDER
I think this means somebody being murdered while having sex, in which case "A Serbian Film" (2010) has the best one.
3. CREEPIEST DEAD BODY
Belén Rueda as Mayka in "The Body" (2012). Not only creepy but a terrible waste too.
4. A HORROR MUSICAL YOU ENJOY
None. That's easy to answer. I can't stand horror musicals. I do like "Cabaret" (1972), but it only counts if you really stretch the definition of horror.
5. FUNNIEST HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER
Martin in "Twisted Nerve" (1968). My ideal choice would've been Cindy Campbell in the "Scary Movie" series except that she's not actually funny.
6. FAVOURITE WOMAN IN THE WORLD OF HORROR
According to my recent "Top Ten", it's Katharine Isabelle. That may change again very soon though.
7. A HORROR YOU'D BE IN
My whole life is one long horror movie, but anything with cats would be good.
8. FAVOURITE ALIEN-RELATED HORROR MOVIE
Again, according to my "Top Ten" on the subject, it's "The Thing" (1982).
9. BEST HORROR TV SERIES
The first "American Horror Story" (2011). I would have said "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" or "Angel" but their final seasons ruined them.
10. A SERIAL KILLER YOU HATE
All of them. I hate serial killers. A fictional one is The Collector because of his cat cruelty. In reality, Fred West stands out the most.
11. MOST DITZY CHARACTER
Paige Edwards (Paris Hilton) from "House of Wax" (2005). There are others in the same vein, but she's the first one who springs to mind outside of a horror-comedy.
12. FAVOURITE HORROR MOVIE FROM THE PAST YEAR
The best of a bad lot is "Frankenstein's Army" (2013).
13. BEST IMPALEMENT
There are two ways this can go, so I choose Father Brennan's death in "The Omen" (1976). If you want a more traditional method, "Cannibal Ferox" (1981) has one of the best.
14. KILLER WHO HAS THE BEST WEAPON
Death aka The Grim Reaper. He just has to touch you.
15. A HORROR LOVE-STORY
I can't decide between "Spectre" (2006) or "Blood & Chocolate" (2007), even though you all expect me to say "Twilight".
16. BEST THROAT SLICING
I want to say "Braveheart" (1995), but it's not horror. "Saw II" (2005) also has a very good one.
17. FAVOURITE SEQUEL TO A HORROR
I really like "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" (1988), but Rob Zombie's "Halloween II" (2009) deserves an honorable mention.
18. BEST HORROR MOVIE IN THE WOODS
Just to be predictable, I'll go with "The Evil Dead" (1981). This subgenre is not one of my favourites.
19. AN ACTOR YOU ENJOYED TO WATCH GET MURDERED
Taking this as an actor being fictionally murdered rather than in real life, Sergi López at the end of "Pan's Labyrinth" (2006). I'm usually on the side of the bad guys, but not in this case. The runners-up would be either Kathy Bates in "Misery" (1990) or Anne Ramsey in "Deadly Friend" (1986).
20. MOST ATTRACTIVE HORROR MOVIE KILLER
Jennifer (Megan Fox) in "Jennifer's Body" (2009). It's a pity that Floriana (Edwige Fenech) doesn't actually kill anyone in "Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key" (1972) or I would have chosen her instead. Ladies would probably choose Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho" (2000).
21. BEST FAMILY IN HORROR
The Munsters. They are all really nice and not dysfunctional at all.
22. WORST RECENT HORROR MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN
Just because it was so boring: "The Conjuring" (2013).
23. FAVOURITE 1970'S HORROR
Taking the grammatical error as a non-error, "Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny, and Girly" (1970). Otherwise, it's "The Omen" (1976) again.
24. FAVOURITE HORROR THEME SONG
"Ave Satani" from "The Omen" (1976).
25. BEST VERSION OF JASON VOORHEES
The first one where he's a little deformed kid.
26. A HORROR YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
The remake of "Suspiria". And, yes, I do know that it's been cancelled. I'm honestly not looking forward to anything.
27. BEST BEHEADING
Jennings (David Warner) and a sheet of glass in "The Omen" (1976).
28. FAVOURITE B-MOVIE HORROR
The Asylum wins with "Sharknado" (2013). I don't do hobby horror.
29. MOST RIGHTEOUS KILLER
Death aka The Grim Reaper. He comes to everyone in the end.
30. HORROR WITH AN ENDING YOU DIDN'T EXPECT TO HAPPEN
Not only didn't I expect the ending of "High Tension" (2003), but it royally sucks too.
"A horror comedy centred on a guy who learns that his unusual stomach problems are being caused by a demon living in his intestines."
If you've ever wondered what would happen if you mixed "Office Space" (1999) with "Basket Case" (1982), "Bad Milo", the latest horror-comedy coming to VOD services in a couple of weeks' time from Magnet Releasing ("the genre arm of Magnolia Pictures"), is the answer. According to their official website, "Bad Milo" will also be released theatrically on October 4th, but I'd hazard a guess that it'll be limited.
As usual, some unscrupulous screener-monkey has already uploaded "Bad Milo" to the streaming sites. I would moan about how it's about time that distributors stopped giving out screeners willy-nilly to all these lame horror bloggers who either just want freebies or to upload the movie illegally—especially as I've never asked them for anything myself—but as it's only from Magnet Releasing (who kept following and then unfollowing me on Twitter every 2 days until I blocked them), and I hate horror-comedies, I couldn't care less. "Bad Milo" isn't something which I would have gone out of my way to watch otherwise.
It's not that "Bad Milo" is badly made or anything—in fact, it has very good production values for a low-budget comedy full of puerile toilet humour—but it's a one-trick pony. Once the "hilarious" joke about a demon that lives in a guy's ass has been beaten to death (almost literally!), this predictable crap has very little to offer other than remixing scenes and elements from more famous movies in ways which frequently cross the line between homage and blatant ripoff.
As you can see in the picture below, Milo the ass-demon looks a lot like Baby Sinclair from the kids' TV show "Dinosaurs" (1991). He also has the big-eyed cuteness and a few other characteristics of Gizmo the Mogwai from "Gremlins" (1984). Writer/director Jacob Vaughan's influences are extremely obvious, especially his homages to the more evil gremlins, "Ghoulies" (1985), and Belial from "Basket Case". Basically, the horror parts are a throwback to all the little creature/puppet movies of the '80s, and consequently, "Bad Milo" brings nothing new to the table here whatsoever.
Everybody Loves Milo.
Clearly, "Bad Milo" is a product of the same creatively bankrupt culture which allows these so-called comedies and parodies to elude prosecution for copyright infringement, and it begs the question of how much is really "fair use" before someone starts throwing the word "plagiarism" around? When you can so easily identify the "borrowings" from other movies, how is that not theft? At the very least, it's extremely lazy filmmaking. If Mike Judge, Joe Dante, Frank Henenlotter, and Charles Band gave Jacob Vaughan their permission to "re-imagine" their movies then forget I said anything, but I highly doubt that such a thing ever happened.
Apart from casually noticing that the lead, Ken Marino, is channelling Ray Romano and Zach Braff at the same time (which may just be his normal acting style for all I know), it's pretty obvious to me that the situational comedy of "Office Space" forms the core of this movie. There's the slimy boss (in this case played by Patrick Warburton), firing/leaving interview scenes, embezzlement, retribution, and all the poetic justice of "Office Space", plus... wait for it... Stephen Root aka Milton "Stapler" Waddams is in this too!!!
Since I'm considered such a pariah by modern filmmakers and the distribution companies that I had to watch the "Bad Milo" screener semi-legally, the irony of the whole situation isn't wasted on me, but I'm still going to call this movie out for its lack of originality even though I haven't been swindled out of anything other than my wasted time. Needless to say, I didn't find any of it particularly funny.
The scenes with Peter Stomare (Satan from "Constantine") playing the new age therapist/witchdoctor Highsmith are mildly amusing, and I thoroughly enjoyed ogling Gillian Jacobs who plays Ken's sexy wife Sarah. Other than that, you can shove "Bad Milo" up your ass!
"A naive young tourist's road trip across Chile with friends turns into a waking nightmare."
Just a quickie for "Surprise Sunday" which I'm forced to backdate due to the automated scheduling on Blogger failing. Actually, it's my fault, but it's easier to blame someone else! I wrote this review and forgot to set the posting time. Doh!
Anyway, what we have here is a tragic moment for a group of "teenagers" in a foreign country, and the events leading up to it. Essentially, it's a drama about mental illness with elements of a psychological thriller thrown in as red herrings.
Starring Juno Temple as the ill-fated and oversensitive nutter, Emily Browning (from "The Uninvited" remake) as her best friend, and Michael Cera in a even more immature and sadistic role than usual, there's a lot to like in "Magic Magic" but also a lot to hate about it too. For one thing, it doesn't have much to do with magic unless you count some bogus hypnotism and a bizarre folk-magic ritual near the end.
Thus, it's not a horror movie or a supernatural movie per se, but it has a few creepy bits and an air of menace about it in places which you have to be in the right headspace to appreciate. If you've ever felt isolated in a foreign country, especially one where you don't speak the language, you'll be able to empathise with Alicia (Juno Temple) to a certain extent.
Pretty Pretty
Needless to say the actresses in this are all fairly attactive. Alicia and Sarah (Emily Browning) look very natural although Barbara (Catalina Sandino Moreno)—who I couldn't find a picture of but is in the trailer above—steals the show with her exotic beauty and sexy accent in the rare moments that she's on screen. Juno Temple flashes some T&A for perverts everywhere, and gets dry-humped by a horny dog, so kudos to her for being such a good sport.
For the ladies, Agustín Silva, the younger brother of the writer/director Sebastián Silva, should be enough eyecandy because Michael Cera sure as Hell isn't going to do it for anybody! Not only is Brink (Michael Cera) exceedingly irritating, but he's creepy with it as well. My West Coast friends would describe him as "rapey" although he's just a typical ugly teenager who hasn't realised that he doesn't have the looks to pull off his awkward attempts at seduction. He's also chosen the wrong girl to practice on for reasons which become more apparent as the story progresses.
Where's yo chin at, dude?
Overall, "Magic Magic" is an uncomfortable movie to watch and not a completely satisfying one either. As a "moment in time", it fails to be as enigmatic as a cult European movie despite having a similarly unresolved ending. When I say "unresolved", it does have an ending, but it leaves you wanting to know a bit more. Or not, as the case may be.
The filming in Chile is nice for people who would like to see a South American country which isn't so "third world" as xenophobes pretend it is. Chile is actually not much different to Europe financially, but the culture shock will still be there for spoiled Americans. As a coddled Brit, I've never been to Chile either and don't really want to after "Hidden in the Woods" (2012), but that's another story. The Chilean actresses are very good-looking from what I've seen so far, and if I was 20 years younger (and stupid enough to believe in movies!), I would be backpacking my way there right now.
I would recommend "Magic Magic" for the acting, but all that is negated by three scenes of animal cruelty which I'm not going to go into detail about. Suffice it to say that although they may be necessary to the story, such scenes aren't something which I wish to see in anything which is supposed to be entertainment. I've seen far too much animal cruelty in real life caused by idiots like the ones portrayed in this movie, and it just makes me angry.
"A freak hurricane hits Los Angeles, causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in tornadoes and flooding the city with shark-infested seawater."
Since I mentioned it in my last post, I suppose I ought to say something about "Sharknado". What better movie to review for "Surprise Sunday" especially as the biggest surprise is that I actually liked it?
Yes, I can find very little wrong with "Sharknado" other than the obviously awful effects and scientific impossibilities. It's very nicely paced, has some amusing gore, lots of action, and even a couple of decent moments of suspense. As far as disaster movies go, "Sharknado" is as exciting as any of the Summer blockbusters. In particular, there's a sequence with a Ferris wheel which is really outstanding considering the low-budget.
I didn't get bored, although I nearly did during the school bus rescue scene and a bit of superfluous family drama near the end, so I'm going to rate "Sharknado" as one of the best movies from The Asylum that I've ever seen. Take that with a huge pinch of salt though because I've only seen half a dozen of their products anyway. Clearly some talent was accidentally allowed to sneak in which I doubt will ever happen again. The Asylum have been trying for years to make an intentionally "so bad it's good" cult movie, but more through luck than judgement, they got the balance right this time.
Enough said!
Having got the praise out of the way, it's time to look at the more negative aspects.
"Sharknado" is, of course, a "B movie". Worse than that, it's more like a C, D, E or F movie, but it's certainly not "Z grade" like most of the theatrical films that I've reviewed recently. There's entertainment to be had here if you are in the right frame of mind, or even if you aren't. A lot of message board snobs have said that they'll only watch "Sharknado" with a load of beer on board, but there's no need for that unless you want to make a party out of it.
The acting is TV quality which is in keeping with this being a TV movie, but some of it is uncommonly bad. The biggest name in the film is John Heard, and he's beyond awful. Maybe it's his age or the fact that he just didn't care that much, but his performance is painfully embarrassing to watch.
Ian Ziering does a fairly decent job as the annoying lead character named Fin (geddit?) who doesn't realise the "no good deed goes unpunished" rule no matter how many times it slaps him in the face. That surprised me because I absolutely loathed him when he used to play Steve in "Beverly Hills 90210". What a difference almost a quarter of a century makes! Mind you, I only used to watch that show for Shannen Doherty so I barely registered Ian Ziering and didn't ever know his real name.
I still don't really know who Tara Reid is. I know she's in a couple of movies which I have on DVD ("The Big Lebowski" and "Urban Legend"), but I can't say that I recognised the name or was able to put a face to it even with that information. Apparently she plays Fin's equally irksome ex-wife, but if you'd told me that she was the daughter I wouldn't have been any wiser. Neither of them do much in this movie so Tara Reid's status in my mind isn't going to change.
You're going to need a bigger bookcase!
Cassie Scerbo, the pretty, shotgun-toting brunette with a slightly wonky nose, steals every scene she's in, so if anyone will be remembered from "Sharknado" in a 100% positive way, it'll be her. She alternates from cute to sexy in a heartbeat and may be someone to look out for in the future. It seems that she was in "Bring It On: In It to Win It" (2007), but I don't remember too much about that or if I ever watched it. She'd probably be great as a final girl in a real horror movie.
There's not much else to say about "Sharknado" as it's just a bit of fun. Apart from a couple of stunts, all the action was done with CGI and green screens, plus some models and a couple of latex mock-ups, so make of it what you will.
I think there was more talent shown with this computer generated silliness than in movies with a far bigger budget so I'll not-so-grudgingly give out praise where it's due. The stars of the show are the often incongruous effects, but getting the movie to look half as good as it does with the budgetary contraints and schedule must have taken some doing. Realistically, I can imagine that it was a lot less fun for everybody behind the scenes. Whoever did the post-production editing had such a great sense of timing that they also deserve some kind of award.
I have no hesitation in recommending "Sharknado" as the "must see" SyFy channel movie of 2013. Since I'm an "elitist prick" rather than a hipster, I'm definitely not saying that to be ironic. I couldn't care less if it makes me look like a hypocrite either. There's an exception to every rule and liking "Sharknado" serves me right for making rules for myself in the first place.
"Sharknado" isn't something that I'm ever going to buy on DVD (unless it's in a multipack), but it's certainly worth a rental once it comes to Redbox in September. I'm sure it'll be reshown ad nauseum before then though.
"Malcolm and Kisha move into their dream home, but soon learn a demon also resides there. When Kisha becomes possessed, Malcolm - determined to keep his sex life on track - turns to a priest, a psychic, and a team of ghost-busters for help."
Apart from Marlon Wayans, I've never heard of anybody in "A Haunted House". Actually, that's not entirely true. I also recognised David Koechner but couldn't place or name him until I looked him up on the IMDb. For those of you who also wonder, he was in "Final Destination 5" and "Snakes on a Plane' (which, ironically, is referred to later on).
Not knowing the cast of a theatrical movie is sometimes not a bad thing depending on the subject matter. As long as it's a real movie, you can assume that the actors have been in TV shows or other movies rather than being complete unknowns who don't know what they are doing. If this had been a straight-to-DVD movie, different rules would apply. When you haven't heard of anybody in a backyard "indie horror", for instance, it's definitely a huge warning sign that it will be a bad one.
Having said that, I wasn't expecting a lot from "A Haunted House" either. I hate horror-comedies with a passion, and I've never found any parodies which hit their targets successfully apart from the first "Airplane". I always give every movie a chance to entertain me (otherwise I wouldn't watch them), but I knew the chances would be very slim that I would get anything out of this one.
With great trepidation, I ventured into the uncharted territory of "A Haunted House", and it soon became obvious that all my suspicions were correct. While the parodies of the first three "Paranormal Activity" movies, "The Entity" and "The Exorcist" are almost perfect, none of them are funny.
Maybe it's because the "black American culture" references which are uncomfortably forced in are clichéd and outdated, or maybe it's just because the comic timing and delivery is off, but apart from the dog getting killed at the beginning (and its drawn out aftermath), I didn't crack a smile at anything else once. Dogs disgust me so put it down (no pun intended) to my own callousness that made me grin.
I liked how the various effects were copied so well from the parodied movies. I also recognised every scene including the quick nods to "Insidious", "The Blair Witch Project" and "[REC]". The thing is, I didn't think they were amusing even with all the sex jokes and toilet humour thrown on top of them. I'm no prude, it's just that such humour is feeble and too puerile in ways that only a tame American movie can truly make a mess of them. Ouside of stand-up comedians, American comedy doesn't travel well anyway.
The bottom line is "A Haunted House" looks the part, Essence Atkins is very talented as Kisha (especially when acting possessed), but the "comedy" is a waste of 80 minutes which you'll never get back.
"With the help of his mentor, a slave-turned-bounty hunter sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner."
If it wasn't for director Alex Cox's "Videodrome" series on BBC back in the '90s, I would never have known who or what "Django" was. Sure, I'd seen a fair amount of "Spaghetti Westerns" over the years, but apart from the big three Clint Eastwood ones, I couldn't have cared less about them. The thing with "Django" though which made it stand out was its bloodiness. If you've never seen it, you definitely need to check out the original 1966 movie starring Franco Nero.
Obviously, all this was long before Quentin Tarantino started slinging his invented word "grindhouse" about as if everyone would automatically know what it meant and pretending that he was making 20th (and now 21st) century equivalents along with his buddy Robert Rodriguez. I never bought into the hype and, apart from "Pulp Fiction", I can't say that I've enjoyed any of Quentin Tarantino's films until now.
Everyone's tastes changes as they get older though so I was willing to give "Django Unchained" the benefit of the doubt in spite of already knowing the huge plot and race changes that didn't inspire me with any confidence. I'm still not a Tarantino fan, but I actually enjoyed a lot of what he had to offer this time.
The story is fairly unoriginal with huge borrowings from every "white guilt" movie set in the days of American slavery along with more than a hint of "Maverick" and "Unforgiven" thrown in for good measure. In some ways, "Django Unchained" seems hell-bent on dividing the races as much as "Braveheart" tried to do with the English and Scots due to its historical inaccuracies. Obviously, it's designed to be as controversial as possible, but "Django Unchained" is far more accurate in other ways than even "Roots". No matter which race or country you belong to, there's always a lot to hate about American history.
But enough of that. I'm not here to write an essay about slavery or racism in America. You only have to browse a few YouTube videos to know that it's as real today as it ever was. I'm here to write about films and, in particular, this film (such as it is) with all of its subtextual preaching and in your face action scenes.
In my opinion, the blood, gore and psychological more than physical torture in "Django Unchained" is worthy of any horror movie. In nearly every gunfight, gunshots cause over-the-top blood to splatter even onto the camera lens with big lumps of meat following. Can I hear the word "Lush!" from anyone? Oh, yes, there will be and there is blood! Don't watch this if you love horses either!
The characters are mostly likeable too although Christoph Waltz easily steals every scene. Django will always be Franco Nero to me, and in spite of metaphorically handing over the reigns in a bar scene cameo, there's no way that I will ever accept Jamie Foxx as his replacement. I tried to, but Jamie Foxx goes through so many personality changes during the film that it's impossible to take him seriously. Can anyone please tell me why he chose to play Django as a gay for the last 10 minutes? I don't understand that at all.
The biggest standouts are Don Johnson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tarantino's favourite Samuel L. Jackson. While Big Daddy (Johnson) also brings an unfortunately comic "Klan" scene with him which only serves as unnecessary padding, Calvin Candy (DiCaprio) and Stephen (Jackson) have some of the best chemistry in the whole movie. In fact, they have more chemistry than Django and his wife Broomhilda (Kerry Washington) which is quite disconcerting.
At the end of the day, "Django Unchained" is a rather enjoyable cowboy-action movie with lots of gunfire, explosions and a backdrop of Southern American slavery to make it look like some thought went into it. Change a few races and you'd have an episode of the "Maverick" or "Alias Smith and Jones" TV series with all their quirky scams. Remove the Wild West gunfights and you'd have the first season of "Roots" without any sympathetic characters.
As a "popcorn flick", "Django Unchained" is one of the better ones. It's a bit too long at 2 hours and 45 minutes, but there isn't a lot of lag unless you absolutely loathe the Western genre or contemporary music being used anachronistically.
Has Quentin Tarantino redeemed himself? Almost, but no, not really. Be warned, he can't do a convincing Australian accent either.
