Showing posts with label weird. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weird. Show all posts

August 1, 2015

5 Horror Films Which You Probably Haven't Seen

Many clickbait lists of "Horror Films You Haven't Seen" come and go, but I'm almost willing to bet money that you haven't seen all of these movies.

As usual, I'm sticking primarily to the best rather than the cheap and nasty, no-budget "hobby horror" indie crap. Having said that, some of these movies aren't highly-rated by the unwashed masses, and I haven't put them in any particularly order. None of their stories are very original, and your enjoyment of them, sadly, may differ from mine.

(Because I'm lazy, all the synopses are taken from the IMDb. Yeah, I know. No big surprise there.)


1. Sector 7 (2011)


"Something awaits 2,500 meters under the deep sea off the southern tip of Jeju Island... Directed by Kim Ji-hoon and produced by JK Youn, the sci-fi action thriller Sector 7 revolves around an oil rig crew forced to battle a deadly creature at sea."

If you liked "The Host" (2006), this will fill in some time while you continue to wait for the official sequel. It's mainly all CGI with a few practical effects, but the monster is suitably nasty.

The girls in it are very beautiful, the men are a mixed bag of quirky and handsome, and the setting itself is exactly what you might expect of an oil rig in a fun action movie rather than being in any way realistic.

Similar to: The Host, Alien, Deep Blue Sea, Leviathan, and Deep Rising.



2. The Hotel!! (2002)


"Sarapee and Pun inherit a beach mansion from Luang Narubal, the husband and benefactor whom they betrayed and left to die in sorrow. The two now decide to move in and turn the mansion into a hotel in order to make some money. Twenty five years pass. Sarapee has died. Her two children from her marriage to Pun, Parinya and Patama, are now fully grown and they return from living abroad to take over the hotel. After renovating it, the mystery begins. Deaths occur over and over again, and sometimes Parinya and Pattama witness them. It isn't long before they are the only two people left to uncover the mystery and fight to stay alive. But who is the mysterious murderer?"

It's a Thai ghost story/murder mystery. The story lags in a few places, and overacting abounds, but the effects are surprisingly good considering the obvious low-budget.

There aren't too many scares, but there are a few grisly bits which might surprise you.

Similar to: Spectres, The Green Man, The Haunting of Seacliff Inn, and even parts of The Omen.



3. Blacker Than the Night (1975)


"When four women move into an old house left by one woman's aunt, strange things begin to happen. Bizarre voices, visions of ghosts, and mysterious noises lead them to discover the darkest powers of evil and a horror and agony beyond terror."

Another supernatural murder mystery which borders on being a slasher. It's Mexican and better known by its Spanish title of "Más negro que la noche".

Before anyone starts thinking that the word "negro" is racist, the title refers the colour of the black cat's fur in the movie. And yes, Becker the cat does play a very important part.

Considered a classic in some circles, harsher critics only rate "Blacker Than the Night" as average. Inevitably, it was remade (albeit by another Mexican director) last year. Although it also has its detractors, the remake is okay too.

Similar to: The Legacy, The Amityville Horror, The Woman in Black, and virtually any other haunted house movie.



4. See the Sea (1997)


"Sasha, a young British woman, is living with her baby daughter at Ile d'Yeu, a peaceful beach community. A stranger appears. Her name is Tatiana, she's passing through, and pitches her tent in Sasha's yard. The two women build an odd rapport, and tension builds as events unfold."

Originally called "Regarde la mer" (because it's French), this is a short one in that it's only 52 minutes long. Fortunately, it doesn't feel like a modern short, and for a low-budget movie, the production values and acting are very good throughout.

The story certainly isn't as predictable as you might expect. Some might even say that it's shocking. Either way, it's notable for being a kind of precursor to "À l'intérieur" (2007), but it's far more classy, believable, and memorable.

Similar to: Empty Cradle, À l'intérieur (aka Inside), and The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.



5. The Dark Hours (2005)


"Dr. Samantha Goodman, an attractive psychiatrist in her thirties, joins her husband and sister for a weekend at a winter cottage when an unexpected guest arrives. Harlan Pyne, a violent sexual offender, is convinced that Samantha conducted unethical experiments on him while she was his doctor. With the assistance of his troubled yet eager protege, Harlan forces Samantha and her family to participate in a series of nightmarish games. On this night of terror, escape is not an option, truth guarantees nothing, and revenge will not necessarily be sweet."

It's Canadian (so it borrows from all over the place like most Canadian horror movies) and has great acting.

I have nothing new to say about "The Dark Hours" because I've already reviewed it. It's nice that you can get it for only 50c at Amazon now though.

Similar to: Identity, Sublime, Frailty, Cheap Thrills, and Would You Rather.



So there you have it. I was initially going to list ten movies, but it's too hot today, and as I said previously, I'm far too lazy.

I chose mainly foreign language movies because, let's face it, the slew of crappy American horror has had nothing good to offer anyone outside of the "noobs" and "nyuk-nyuk-nyuk brigade" for many years.

You can buy most of these movies from Amazon or rent them from Netflix. You'll also find them on YouTube, Hulu, Vudu, and other video streaming sites.

Tracking these movies down should keep you occupied, and hopefully, they will stop some people from constantly complaining that there's "nothing to watch".

April 25, 2013

The Lords of Salem (2012)



"Heidi, a radio DJ, is sent a box containing a record - a 'gift from the Lords'. The sounds within the grooves trigger flashbacks of her town's violent past. Is Heidi going mad, or are the Lords back to take revenge on Salem, Massachusetts?"

There's no point beating around the bush like a lot of reviewers do, "The Lords of Salem" is just a load of disappointing, boring, faux arty-farty bullshit.

As much as I like Rob Zombie's "Halloween II" and fancy his wife in everything she does, "The Lords of Salem" put the kibosh on any of those warm fuzzies. If a film like this, which borrows from everywhere yet still fails to deliver its story in a comprehensible manner, is the way that Rob Zombie has chosen to go, horror isn't just dead, it's rotting too.

There's a lot of pretentious arty-farty crap in the world, and then there's crap which pretends to be pretentious and arty-farty like this. Rob Zombie has described his film as "If Ken Russell directed The Shining", but that's nothing to be proud of. The obvious homages with pacing as lethargic as "2001: A Space Odyssey" are, however, the least of this movie's problems.

As I mentioned, I think a lot of Sheri Moon Zombie. She seems like a nice enough woman in real life and she's undeniably hot. The problem is that she doesn't have enough charisma on screen to pull off a lead role. This, of course, is disastrous in "The Lords of Salem" where the focus is on her.

Men seldom make passes at girls who need a good wash.

Sheri has great legs and a pretty face. You can say what you like about her bottom and washboard chest, and beauty is subjective, but you still can't deny her legs. You get to see a lot of them here too. Unfortunately, with ugly librarian glasses, dirty-looking dreadlocks and a bunch of fake tattoos, she's been made to look like a female version of her husband which doesn't exactly make her Heidi character sympathetic.

To say that the ex-junkie Heidi looks like she smells of wet dog and needs several showers (not to mention lots of laser tattoo removal to get rid of all that vile self-harming) is an understatement. Gratuitously showing her ass cheeks a couple of times doesn't help in any way, shape or form either. She's just too alienating. When Heidi says that she's "super tired" around 20 minutes in, that's the end as far as dialogue goes too. The correct word is "very" or "really" not "super"! I hope this is just a one-off and that irritating West Coast half-grammar hasn't spread from YouTube to real movies.

It's not really worth mentioning any of the other actors or actresses in "The Lords of Salem" especially as the big name convention whores who everyone expected to see cameos from are only in "blink and you'll miss it" moments, and the others are just in the background, but I'm obliged to say something merely to be sociable. I think Jeff Daniel Phillips is supposed to be channelling Rob Zombie, and Bruce Davison (aka Willard) has an even more pointless role than Scatman Crothers in "The Shining".

When old Willard uses Google (relabelled "Lookup") on his Apple product placement laptop to search Heidi's real name, the Bumhole (I mean Blumhouse) Productions influence is painfully obvious. Seriously, he'd just been reading the diary by the leader of the Lords of Salem and got his wife to play a bar of music out of it, so how is finding out that Heidi's real surname is Hawthorne (or "Hawthroen" according to the misspelled website) some great surprise? The Family Tree search is a most unnecessary discovery contrivance since there can't be that many people named Hawthorne who are born in Salem. It's not like her surname is Smith!!!

Sorry, you're not coming in if you don't have any little cakes!

I'm sure that there will be Rob Zombie fanboys raving about the three old satchel-asses, i.e. Macbeth witches, so I might as well say something about them too. Yes, Patricia Quinn, Dee Wallace and Judy Geeson are the best part of the movie, but they deserved to have a movie devoted entirely to themselves without all the other rubbish going on. "The Witches of Eastwick" has already been made, but if anyone wanted to remake it as a real horror movie, I now know three actresses who would be good in it. As someone who usually can't stand Dee Wallace's acting, I'm still willing to give a compliment when I feel that she has actually earned it.

Giving it more benefit than it actually deserves, "The Lords of Salem" is really only "Rosemary's Baby" mixed with "Black Sunday", "The Shining", Lars Von Trier's "The Kingdom", "The Devils", "Crowhaven Farm", "The Ninth Gate", "Trick or Treat", "The Ring", "Pontypool", "The House of the Devil", and "Suckspiria". I could quite easily tick off another 20 or so movies (and short stories such as M.R. James' "Number 13") which it borrows from, but if I can do it, so can you.

There are so many places where parts of the story are set up just to fizzle out and be forgotten about that it's all a confusing mess which seems designed to be weird for the sake of being weird. Even Dario Argento's "Mother of Tears" is better than this shit and doesn't have anyone giving birth to a lobster in it. Oh, did I just ruin the ending? Too bad. Most people will either walk out or fall asleep before they get that far anyway. "The Lords of Salem" doesn't even have any spring-loaded cat scares in it!

Ultimately, the sad thing is that no matter how many bad reviews "The Lords of Salem" gets, the braindead "yukyukyuk" crowd will still pay to see it just to find out how bad it really is for themselves. Ker-ching! Once you're famous, it's a licence to make money from morons even if your product sucks possessed priests.

This, my friends, is why we can't have nice things.

March 25, 2011

Left Bank (2008)

(AKA Linkeroever)



"When Marie moves into her boyfriend's apartment, she uncovers a disturbing mystery."

One of the most interesting things about having a Netflix account for me is when I forget that I've added a certain film to the queue and then it gets delivered in place of something else. Last night I was all prepared to watch "In the womb: Cats and dogs" but, upon opening the envelope, I found "Left Bank" instead. I'm still not quite sure how this happened other than accidentally clicking the "move to top" button but I'm sort of glad that it did otherwise I wouldn't have had anything to write about.

Since I didn't even remember adding "Left Bank" to my queue, I had no idea what it was going to be about or even if it was a horror film at all. There were no obvious clues in the blurb written on the envelope and I was too lazy to look it up. After about half an hour of watching it, I still wasn't sure that it wasn't just some sexy Dutch drama either. But I kept on watching anyway just in case things started to get more sinister... and they did.

I suppose the easiest way to describe "Left Bank" is as a Belgian (not Dutch even though they all speak Dutch) version of "Rosemary's Baby" but without a decent ending. Apart from the slow pace and gradual feeling that this was all going to turn out badly, it didn't really have many horror elements to it. You could probably also compare it to "The Wicker Man" and "Dark Water" if you really tried but it didn't have a plot quite that clever either. What it reminded me of most was Lars von Trier's "The Kingdom" but with considerably less characters to worry about. One scene in particular involving the heroine's mother and a pendulum could have been straight out of that Danish TV series especially as the actress looks a lot like Sigrid Drusse too.

I'm not sure if Pieter Van Hees was trying to emulate "The Kingdom" or if he just borrowed bits and pieces from all over the place to make his film even weirder than it would have been already. There are certainly enough unexplainable details to make you think that they were added for no other reason than just to give people something to speculate about on internet message boards and blogs. I'm not playing that game though and if I can't work out what something is supposed to mean on one viewing then it pretty much means that the movie failed in its purpose.

Just for the sake of mentioning those "weird" bits though, I will say that I have no idea why Marie (played by Eline Kuppens) had a dream about suckling a baby who turned into a man, nor do I know why her injured knee went black, sprouted hairs and then had a mouse climb out of it. As for the ending itself, it was pretty obvious but also left me with a ton of questions concerning the plotholes which I don't even have the patience to try and find the answers to. It was simply very bad filmmaking which makes the fantastic acting performances and camerawork even more wasteful.

Have you ever watched a horror film which was really good until right at the end? Well, "Left Bank" is unfortunately one of those. I'm probably going to get slammed for this but pitifully bad endings seem to be true of every other Belgian horror film that I've ever seen especially "Calvaire" and "The Pack". If you've never seen them, don't waste your time. I'm even tempted to throw the French movie "High Tension" into this category since that was another which I really enjoyed until the ending ruined it all.

I'm not going to be completely negative about "Left Bank" though. Eline Kuppens pretty much carried the whole thing and was perfect in her role as Marie. Matthias Schoenaerts who played her boyfriend, Bobby, was all about his looks rather than adding any great depth to his character but was still pretty decent. The dialogue (albeit translated into subtitles for me) was adequate but also frustrating at times. There were so many things which I wanted Marie to ask Bobby about but she didn't and that made the quirkiness of "Left Bank" just a little bit irritating.

Apart from the gloominess of the whole thing (which probably has more to do with the setting and climate of Antwerp than anything else), "Left Bank" fell short of tension, scares or anything of any real shock value to qualify it as a horror film. It was a good psychological drama with some possible overly ambitious philosophical ideas involved in it but it wasn't very satisfying.

Surprisingly, I'm still going to recommend "Left Bank" for anyone who wants something a little bit more cerebral than the stale stalk, hack and slash thrillers which there are already far too many of. I've already mentioned it but I'll just repeat that it's all very reminiscent of something Lars von Trier would do especially when depressed. Just don't expect there to be any answers for bits you don't understand because there aren't any.