2016 - The Year in Review

Damn, it's that time of year again when all the movie bloggers post top ten lists influenced by their political ideologies. So, while they cross-promote and virtue-signal each other like crazy people, I'll just calmly sidestep the circle-jerk by not making any lists whatsoever.

Once again, there haven't been enough horror movies this year to make a "Top 10 Best Horror Movies of 2016", let alone another "Top 10 Worst Horror Movies of 2016" to accompany it. Even combining all the movies from other genres which I've watched this year, it would be impossible to find 20 in total which I feel like mentioning again. It's really been that bad.

Cue the comedy tumbleweed...

Same time next year, Mr Tumbleweed?

Movies I Enjoyed in 2016

There were a few movies I liked, but apart from "Gods of Egypt", "The Huntsman: Winter's War", and "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children", none of them were from this year.

In October, I went on a minor journey into some Hitchcock classics with "The Birds" and "Rebecca", but I couldn't sustain enough interest in old movies I'd already seen dozens of times before to continue. I also discovered that I don't actually own DVDs of the more famous Hitchcock movies to make a series out of it and found myself slipping away from horror towards what can only be described as "great works of A-level English literature turned into dumbed-down movies for the plebs". I was just about to review "Great Expectations" when I realised that I couldn't stand any more of that horribly dated old bollocks. Even "The Joy of CeX" and their ridiculously low prices wasn't enough to tempt me back once the spell was broken.

Pure shit which makes no sense.

Instead, I watched "The Wailing", hoping that South Korea was going to deliver the goods like they did with "Gwoemul" ten years ago. I got really into it to start with as it ticked all the right boxes of "otherness" and "different", but alas, it was not to last. This already tonally-challenged abomination turned into pure shit two-thirds of the way through, didn't make a lick of sense to me at the end, and I gave up on watching and reviewing movies again. We don't even "do" Hallowe'en in Britain, so there was no point in burning myself out even further.


TV Shows of 2016

Other than compulsory viewing of "EastEnders" and "Wentworth", I mainly used the television to play Xbox games this year. I didn't watch any "Game of Thrones" except the last two episodes, and I have no interest left in "The Walking Dead", "American Horror Story", or "Ash vs. Evil Dead".

I did force myself to watch the entire first season of "Westworld", although after a couple of episodes, it turned into yet another one of those shows with more padding than narrative progression. The whole thing could have been condensed into one movie without all the "Groundhog Day" repetition, flashbacks, "flashforwards", and general messing about with timelines. Oh wait, it already was. Yeah, I think I'll stick with the original 1973 movie, thank you, rather than waste my time with another "Lost". Just like how the "Losties" were dead all along, I expect the "Westies" will all turn out to be robots when "Westworld" returns for another season in 2018 (when everyone has forgotten about it) anyway.

In fact, the highlight of this year was watching Donald Trump win the Presidential Election. Considering that I'm not into boring politics, I was still intrigued enough to watch it on the BBC, who dragged the final result out forever in the vain hope that it would change in favour of their fellow Lefties. It was great but cringeworthy late night television. Watching more and more American Democrats and SJW-types get well and truly served when Hillary Clinton lost was hilarious to me, and the fallout which followed on social media was like bittersweet icing on a cake already made delicious with their salty tears of misery.

It would be fantastic if Trump's win signalled the beginning of a long overdue worldwide change back to normality and killed the annoying Millennial religion of SJW-dom, political correctness gone mad, and the crybully victim-culture which the mainstream media has milked for all it's worth, but I doubt that it will happen. The Illuminati bankers and Reptilians from Saturn have had their plans delayed a little bit, but that's all. The fact that we voted to leave the EU six months ago in Britain and still no "Brexit" has occurred speaks volumes. As the old joke goes, "It doesn't matter who you vote for, the government still gets in."


In Remembrance

A veritable shit load of actors, entertainers, and celebrities died again this year, including several "stars" who apparently only departed this plane of existence just to upset millions of people who had never been fans of theirs before. Here are the majority of the ones I heard about through the wailing and gnashing of teeth on social media. I've highlighted the names of those I knew of before they died. R.I.P.

Lennie Bluett Leonard White Yves Vincent Richard Libertini Myra Carter Anna Synodinou Umberto Raho Angus Scrimm Ed Stewart David Bowie David Margulies Brian Bedford Conrad Phillips Franco Citti Alan Rickman Micole Mercurio Bairbre Dowling Sheila Sim Dan Haggerty Lois Ramsey Glenn Frey Colin Vearncombe Abe Vigoda Frank Finlay Terry Wogan Dave Mirra Richard Gladman Maurice White William Haze Louise Plowright George Martin James Douglas Nancy Reagan Richard Davalos Robert Horton Keith Emerson Sylvia Anderson Paul Daniels Larry Drake Ken Howard Earl Hamner, Jr. Garry Shandling Patty Duke

Frank De Felitta Ronnie Corbett Douglas Wilmer Merle Haggard David Swift Martin Fitzmaurice Doris Roberts Victoria Wood Prince Madeleine Lebeau Sylvia Kauders Reg Grundy Nick Lashaway William Schallert Nicholas Fisk Valerie Lush Ian Watkin Rosanna Huffman Burt Kwouk Angela Paton Harambe David Spielberg Muhammed Ali Lidia Biondi Ronnie Claire Edwards Ann Morgan Guilbert Dave Swarbick Anton Yelchin Sharon Douglas Götz George Stuart Nisbet Robin Hardy Caroline Aherne Michael Cimino Noel Neill Corrado Farina Seamon Glass Ken Barrie Vivean Gray Terence Bayler David Huddleston Barry Jenner Cynthia Szigeti

Kenny Baker Patricia English Arthur Hiller Michael Leader Steven Hill Marvin Kaplan Peter Comi Gene Wilder Jon Polito John Hostetter Johnny Rebel Hazel Douglas James Stacy Alexis Arquette Todd Kimsey Herschell Gordon Lewis Peter Collingwood Laura Troschel Pete Burns Gary Dubin Ricky Callan Jean Alexander Richard Cavendish Margaret Ashcroft Lene Tiemroth John Carson Robert Vaughn Lisa Lynn Masters Yevgeni Lazarev Andrew Sachs Colonel Abrams Bernard Gallagher Valerie Gaunt Van Williams Alice Drummond Don Calfa Margaret Whitton Peter Vaughan Greg Lake Walter Swinburn Alan Thicke Bernard Fox Rick Parfitt

...and this evil fuck. Burn in Hell!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

2015 - The Year in Review

Although I'm obviously out of the loop when it comes to all The Asylum/SyFy Channel movies, generic Blumhouse Productions, the lazy "mumblecore" abominations, and the slew of other low-budget "indie horror" camcorder shitefests which the Millennials (who need watering) keep shilling because they have nothing else to talk about, since I haven't seen any new movie this year which could rightfully be called "horror", there's only one way this year's lists can go.

My Top 10 Best Horror Movies of 2015

My Top 10 Worst Horror Movies of 2015

If there were enough "horror genre" (in the loosest sense) movies released to make two lists with, I certainly don't remember them. Actually, all the movies this year have been forgettable.

A lot of people will argue that the fault lies in the how the studios are sticking to known formulas because they won't take any financial risks, but even though I'm not into politics, I also blame the constantly whinging SJWs and Libtards for the fact that none of today's mediocre movie entertainment has any grit to it. The special snowflakes kept pretending to be offended by everything until "the powers that be" foolishly listened and pandered to their insanity. And that's why we can't have nice things.

I'll leave the more "informative" listmaking to the "professional journalists" (you know, the nerds who flip burgers or sit in call centre cubicles in real life but pretend to be movie gurus online) who are racking their pretentious brains to come up with enough movies from obscure film festivals to populate their clickbait "end of year" articles. Now that hardly anyone buys physical media, nobody cares what they write anymore either, and thus, my non-lists (which wasted much less of your valuable time) are equally valid. Ah, the irony. They fought so hard to get their names on DVD sleeves and used every dirty trick in the book to get where they are for nothing. Comedy gold.

My Top 10 Best Non-Horror Movies of 2015

My Top 10 Worst Non-Horror Movies of 2015

It's tempting to say that "Spectre" was the worst, but I could barely stay awake through that James Blond cashgrab, and I didn't have the patience to review it. "Mad Max: Fury Road", "Terminator Genisys", and "Jurassic World" were disappointingly shit too.


TV Shows of 2015

Other than "Eastenders", "Come Dine with Me", "Gogglebox", and a multitude of British real estate programmes, I didn't watch much television this year.

The first three episodes of BBC1's "River" were very good indeed, but the rest of the story dragged before it petered out into total bollocks.

From American TV, "Ash vs. Evil Dead" and "American Horror Story: Hotel" were as insipid as everyone expected, and I stopped watching either of them after only a couple of episodes.


Remembering Those We Lost

As ever, a load of actors, entertainers, and "celebrities" died this year. Here are some of the most famous ones. There were plenty more, but I've left out the names of those who I didn't recognise and, in all honesty, never gave two shits about in the first place. R.I.P.

Lance Percival Rod Taylor Anita Ekberg Leonard Nimoy Lesley Gore Ben Woolf Robert Z'Dar Tom Towles Claire Gordon Geoffrey Lewis Richard Dysart Nigel Terry Betsy Palmer Grace Lee Whitney Richard Johnson Sir Christopher Lee Ron Moody Patrick Macnee Val Doonican

Lynn Anderson Zhanna Friske Irwin Keyes Omar Sharif George Cole Cilla Black Wes Craven Yvonne Craig Dean Jones Gordon Honeycombe Peter Baldwin Maureen O'Hara Saeed Jaffrey Warren Mitchell Gunnar Hansen Colin Welland Nicholas Smith Robert Loggia Anthony Valentine

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

2014 - The Year in Review

Since I haven't been reviewing for over a year now, but I've still been watching movies occasionally, I'll just end this year (and hopefully this blog forever) with three very subjective lists of what I consider to be the best and worst movies that I've seen in 2014.

Lots of people have tried to get me to come back to blogging. I thank them all for their encouragement and constant support, but my heart's not in it anymore. I can barely get back into character to write this post. I haven't been into the horror genre for a very long time (in hindsight, I should have stayed quit when I gave up on this foolishness back in 2011). Suffice it to say that I've moved on to other more lucrative pursuits, and I don't have time to argue the toss with online bullies.

This year has also been full of personal tragedies and unexpected bereavements which have been more important to me than reviewing stupid movies. I was already done with this pointless hobby and the dogs in mangers it attracts, but real life events cemented my decision.

On the plus side, I've cut ties with a lot of people who are too obsessed with movies for their own good (or anyone else's), I've made many new and far better friends than I ever had in previous years, and I even rekindled some old important friendships which I'd lost due to my own assholitis and neglect. We live and learn, I suppose. Well, some of us do.

Anyway, maybe you'll get something out of this post, maybe you won't. It is what it is.


My Top 10 Worst Horror Movies of 2014

1. Oculus - just another clone of "The Gate Crasher" segment of "From Beyond the Grave" (1974) but rendered incomprehensible and boring through bad writing and mostly annoying characters/acting. Karen Gillan is the only reason why anyone watched it anyway.

2. The Battery - aka Two drunken baseball players trapped in a car by zombies during a micro-budget clone of "The Walking Dead". Fucking dreck. I can't stand "The Walking Dead" either.

3. The Babadook - because it's not really horror, and although I could see what they were all trying to do, the story lacks cohesion in so many ways that it doesn't make any sense on any level to anyone (no matter how some people try to force it to). The pacing is very slow, and the movie lacks inertia, but I have to admit that it all looks good and the pop-up book is kind of cool. The kid in it is an outstanding actor for his age but intentionally annoying as piss too. A real shame because I generally love Australian movies, and I wanted to enjoy this one.

4. Annabelle - boring as shit sequel to "The Conjuring" which was also boring as shit. Sorry again, James Wan, if you accidentally read this, it's nothing personal, but you already know that I didn't like your ghostie movies.

5. V/H/S: Viral - aka Only one semi-decent segment (the parallel universe one) surrounded by more shakycam, puke-inducing, found footage shite.

6. Dracula Untold - bahahahahaha NO! Historically inaccurate and almost unwatchable! I tried though.

7. The Sacrament - "Bad Dreams" (1988) did the cult thing much better. Hell, even Kevin Smith's "Red State" (2011) did the cult thing much better. This is just a stupid Waco-style mockumentary for millennials. Aside from the horrible found footage gimmick, it all feels like an average TV movie. Not worth piss.

8. Leprechaun: Origins - No Warwick Davis? No fun! Get to fuck!

9. See No Evil 2 - a half-arsed sequel to a half-arsed WWE slasher which I didn't ever like very much. Kane is now F13's Jason and can survive being pumped full of embalming fluid. Whatever.

10. Starry Eyes - half-"Faust" and half-"Contracted" but twice as disappointing originality-wise. It could've been a classic, but it wasn't, not even for 2014. "Eat" and "Raaz 3" had similar themes. Mind you, so did "Showgirls".

Runners-up include nearly everything from Blumhouse Productions, all of the SyFy channel/The Asylum movies, and 99.9% of American indie (i.e. 5 delusional guys and a shaky Jazzcam in their backyard) horror movies made this year.

I had no interest in Ouija and didnt watch it, so I can't comment on that. I didn't ever see the remake of Blacker Than the Night either due to a very limited theatrical release. I don't consider ABCs of Death 2 to be anything other than a collection of mediocre YouTube videos, so that's not even a movie. There were others on DVD and Netflix which I watched about five minutes of each and then either fast-forwarded through or ditched, but other than Wer and The Quiet Ones, I don't remember what they were.

To balance things, however, here's a "Top 10 Best Horror Movies of 2014". Not that any of them were great, mind you, nor will any of them be remembered or thought of as "classics" in the future.


My Top 10 Best Horror Movies of 2014

1. S.O.B. Summer of Blood - yeah, it's mostly a comedy, but I liked it because it ticked every box necessary on the way through (especially for us older guys who loathe political correctness). Years ago, when my tastes were different, I would have switched something like this just after the pivotal scene, but I'm glad that I stayed with it. I hope to see more from everyone involved in this production one day. Having made some inquiries, I know that it's not a vain hope either.

2. Housebound - again, not too serious, but well acted and competent despite being all over the place tonally. It's from New Zealand, I believe.

3. When Animals Dream - sort of like "Let the Right One In" but with werewolves instead. I now prefer this to "Ginger Snaps" even though (subtextually) it's not meant to be another "coming of age" metaphor.

4. Tusk - hmmmm, bit of a theme here with comedies. It's very good though. I felt bad for the walrus guy.

5. 13 Sins - a remake, but far better than the original. Very "Twilight Zone"-ish.

6. Raaz 3: The Third Dimension - cool Bollywood horror. The best of its kind ever according to box office figures. The actresses in it are uber hot.

7. The Damned - really from last year, but I only watched it this year. It's core is "Restrepo" all over again, so the monster is not very original. Some would liken it to "Satan's Triangle" in places too. The acting and story is better and faster though.

8. The Town That Dreaded Sundown - a remake/sequel and a clone of "Scream" combined, but it's still highly entertaining and has better production values than most of the movies on this list.

9. [REC]⁴ Apocalypse - miles better than the last sequel, and a worthy finale. Possibly the second best of the entire "[REC]" series.

10. Wrong Turn 6 - Jesus fuck, the gore effects were brutal! Not the best story ever, but at least it had a story too. Apparently, all copies of this movie have been withdrawn now due to a kerfuffle over some private photographs used in poor taste and without permission. If you've already bought it, you can probably make a small fortune by selling it on eBay.

Runner up: Cheap Thrills - more of a thriller than horror, I suppose, but exceptionally good for what it is. More suspense than most horror anyway, and decent acting. I'd recommend it more highly if the hipsters hadn't latched onto it and overhyped it.

Runner-up 2: Bunshinsaba 3 - just because I hardly ever recommend Asian horror.

Runner-up 3: The Taking of Deborah Logan - despite taking me three tries to get through it.


And finally, for more positivity from a showbiz year filled with sadness, toxic people, disappointment, and negativity...

My Top 10 Movies of 2014

1. I Origins - one of the best indie movies I've ever seen.

2. Nightcrawler

3. The Voices

4. 300: Rise of an Empire

5. Bad Words

6. John Wick

7. S.O.B. Summer of Blood

8. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For - Eva Green again, 'nuff said.

9. Gone Girl

10. Edge of Tomorrow

Runner-up: Guardians of the Galaxy

Runner-up 2: Vendetta - the Danny Dyer one.

Runner-up 3: Fury

As for my "Worst 10 Movies of 2014", that would be too mean, especially since there are so many which seemed to be intentionally competing for the label. I'd like to give the top positions on that list to Lost Time, Septic Man, The Guest, Honeymoon, or I, Frankenstein, but from the major theatrical releases, Noah, The Equalizer, and Left Behind are even more boring. I haven't seen Exodus or Paddington yet though.


Bonus: My Top TV Series of 2014

1. Game of Thrones

2. Orange Is the New Black

3. The Leftovers

4. Wentworth

I haven't watched enough television to make a "Top Ten" of these either, plus I can't abide the more obvious choices of The Walking Dead or American Horror Story: Freakshow. They became too "samey", and I gave up on both. I binge-watched all of Fringe, Bates Motel, Doctor Who, and Breaking Bad earlier this year on Netflix, but they are old now (like me) and don't count.


I don't care if you enjoyed my choices or hated them, I liked what I liked and disliked what I didn't, and since this is still my blog not yours, that's all that really matters. There are millions of other bloggers publishing similar lists, so if you don't like mine, it's not the end of the world. Maybe you'll find one which you agree with somewhere else. Nobody needs to take this personally. Outside of the big name cliques and shills who all repeat each other, I'm sure everyone has different favourites from this very polarising year.

Merry Christmas, everybody, and have a very Happy New Year!

Adiós.

The Top 200 Horror Films

THE BEST HORROR FILMS EVER MADE!

A Aftershock Alien Alligator Alucarda American Gothic An American Werewolf in London The Amityville Horror Amityville 2: The Possession Angel Heart April Fool's Day Arachnophobia The Awakening B Baby Shower The Bad Seed The Birds Black Christmas Black Sheep Blade Blood and Chocolate Bloody Birthday The Bride Brimstone & Treacle The Bride of Frankenstein C Candyman Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh The Car Carnival of Souls Carrie Cat People Cat's Eye The Changeling Christine The City of the Dead Cold Prey The Collector Constantine Creepshow The Crow Crowhaven Farm Curse of the Demon The Curse of Frankenstein The Curse of the Werewolf Cutting Class D Damien: Omen II Daughters of Darkness The Dark Hours Dawn of the Dead Dead & Buried The Dead Zone Deadly Friend Deep Rising Devoured Doctor Blood's Coffin Dog Soldiers Dorothy Mills Dracula (Horror of Dracula) Dracula A.D. 1972 Dracula II: Ascension E The Elephant Man Embryo End of the Line The Entity Event Horizon The Evil Dead The Exorcist F Fallen Farm House Final Destination The Fly The Fog Frankenstein Frankenstein Created Woman Frankenstein's Army Freaks Friday the 13th Fright Frightmare Fright Night G Ghost Story The Ghoul Ginger Snaps Girly The Grudge H Half Light Halloween Halloween II Halloween III: Season of the Witch The Hand Hatchet III The Haunting Hellraiser Hellraiser II: Hellbound High Lane The Hills Have Eyes The Hitcher Horror Express The Host House of Wax House on Haunted Hill The Human Centipede II I I Spit on Your Grave Ils (Them) In the Mouth of Madness Innocent Blood The Innocents Interview with the Vampire It (Stephen King's 'It')

J Jaws Jeepers Creepers Jennifer's Body K King Kong L Lady in White Laid to Rest The Last Man on Earth The Legacy The Legend of Hell House Legend of the Werewolf Let the Right One In Link Love Object The Loved Ones Lovely Molly Lust for a Vampire M Mark of the Devil Martyrs The Medusa Touch Misery The Mist Monkey Shines Mum & Dad Mute Witness N The Nanny Needful Things The New Daughter Night of the Demons Night of the Living Dead A Nightmare on Elm Street A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 The Ninth Gate O The Omen Orphan The Orphanage The Others P The Passion of the Christ Patrick The People Under the Stairs Penny Dreadful Phantoms Phantoms (Meridien) Piranha Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou Psycho Pulse Pumpkinhead Q Q: The Winged Serpent R Rawhead Rex Razorback Re-animator Resident Evil: Extinction Return of the Living Dead Return of the Living Dead 3 The Rite Roadkill (Joyride) Rosemary's Baby S Salem's Lot Satan's Triangle Saw A Serbian Film The Serpent and the Rainbow The Shining Shutter The Shuttered Room Shuttle The Skeleton Key Slaughter Studios Sleep Tight Sleepaway Camp Sleepwalkers Something Evil Sometimes They Come Back Spectre Spellbinder Spider Baby Stir of Echoes Summer of Blood T Tales from the Darkside Teeth The Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Thing Thinner Tremors Triangle Trollhunter Twisted Nerve U-V [Nothing] W What Lies Beneath The Wicker Man Wishmaster Witchfinder General The Woods Wrong Turn X-Y-Z [Nothing]

Once you've seen all these films, there's little else that the horror genre has to offer except for more repetition and inferior clones of the same.

If you are new to the horror genre, just fill up your DVD/Blu-ray collection with these and throw any other "horror movies" that you may have acquired in the bin. You aren't going to watch any of them ever again anyway.

Also note that a considerable number of these titles barely meet the minimum requirements for "horror"—mainly because they aren't SCARY—but I needed 200 of them for this list.

If you want to buy any of these films, you can save a small fortune by getting them from The Bloody Horror Store.

How to turn your DVD player into a Blu-ray player for less than $1

We live in hard times. Many of us can't afford to spend huge amounts of cash on the latest technology, and it sucks to be left behind especially at Christmas. If you are a movie fan, however, owning a Blu-ray player is now pretty much a necessity.

After numerous requests for advice about which Blu-ray player offers the best value, I have decided to give you my easy to follow tutorial for making your own out of your existing hardware. Please note that this will void your warranty.


You will need:

1. A DVD player (preferably with HDMI).

2. A blue marker pen. (The ones you use to write on DVDs are the best.)

3, A screwdriver (depending on the type of DVD player you own).

4. A flashlight (optional).

5. Five minutes of your time.

6. A Blu-ray disc to test the upgraded system with. Horror movies are, of course, the best for this.


Step 1

Open up the DVD tray then switch the DVD player off at the mains.

NOTE: Always make sure the power to any electrical device is disconnected before attempting to modify it. Failure to comply with common sense will result in damage to your equipment and DEATH!


Step 2

Locate the lens of the laser. Usually it is part of the tray, but sometimes it is further inside the player itself. Either way you should be able to reach it with a pen.

You may need to use a flashlight to see inside or, in the worst case scenario, you will possibly have to remove the outer casing of the DVD player using a screwdriver. A Philips/cross-head screwdriver is best for this although a flat-head screwdriver or spoon can be used to prise the case apart if you don't care about cosmetic damage.


Step 3

Remove the lid from your blue marker pen and dab the tip of the pen all over the lens of the laser. This may take several tries as the ink can pull back off or collect in pools.


Step 4

Put the lid back on your marker pen so it doesn't dry up. You might want to use it later to write the word "Blu" on your player over the top of the "DVD" label.


Step 5

Connect your DVD player to the mains, and pop the tray back in. Some DVD players will do this automatically when initialising. (If you've taken your DVD player apart make sure that the case is back on and all the screws tightened before you plug it in otherwise the tiny elves will escape.)


Step 6

Open the tray again using your remote control (or a long stick if you don't have the original remote control anymore).


Step 7

Enter the following universal code using the numeric keys on your remote control: 483823629234982372364923946234923645151214133331181919193893846432828234284682842141234123412342314126456675786211451412645667578621145148382362923498237236492394623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145148382362923498237236492394623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145148382362923498237236492394623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145148382314838236292349823723649239141264566757862114514838236292349823723649239462349236451512141333311819191938938464328282342846828421412341234123423141264566757862114514838236292349823723649239462349236451512141333311819191938938464328282342846828421412341234123423141264566757862114514838236292349823723649239462349236451512141333311819191938938464328282342846828421412341234123423141264566757862114514838234623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145148382362923498237236492394623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145148382362923498237236492394623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145148382362923498237236492394623492364515121413333118191919389384643282823428468284214123412341234231412645667578621145114126456675786211451483823629234982372364923946234923645151214133331181919193893846432828234284682842141234123412342314126456675786211451483823629234982372364923946234923645151214133331181919193893846432828234284682842141234123412342314126456675786211451483823629234982372364923946234923645151214133331181919193893846432828234284682842141234123412342314126456675786211451483823


Step 8

Close the tray and reopen it again five times while saying "Klaatu barada nikto". Try to time each syllable with the tray movements.


Step 9

Insert your newly purchased (rented or borrowed) Blu-ray disc, close the tray, and press "Play".


Step 10

Congratulations! You should now have a fully functional Blu-ray player. If for any reason you don't, simply repeat steps 7 and 8 ten times. Some of the older DVD players are temperamental like that.

Also please be aware that your regular DVDs will no longer play in your upgraded player. To play DVDs, you will need to remove the ink from the lens of the laser using rubbing alcohol and a cotton bud. There is very little reason to do this since everything worth watching is now available on Blu-ray anyway.


I make no claim that this will work for every DVD player or even the one used in the example picture above. If it does and I've saved you some money, please feel free to leave me a donation. The PayPal donation button can be found on the right sidebar of this blog.

Blu-ray discs are a scam!

With dual layer Blu-ray discs being the industry standard for feature-length videos why isn't the 50 GB storage space used more efficiently?

50 GB is around 12 times the storage space of standard DVD discs with 4.3 GB yet still entire seasons of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", for example, don't come on a single Blu-ray disc. What the Hell? Why?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" isn't even on Blu-ray, but the seasons do already exist in 6 disc DVD packs. Theoretically, that means that 6 seasons should fit on 3 Blu-ray discs. Give or take a few pointless extras and maybe adding the original 1992 movie to a boxset, the maximum number of Blu-ray discs needed would be 4. How much do you want to bet that when "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" does come out on Blu-ray, there'll still be 6 Blu-ray discs to every pack and the price will be doubled?

What's the reason for this? Do you think that the original 4:3 ratioed, standard television format shows will be magically enhanced somehow to make them clearer or the stories will become any better because of it? You can't save the final season of "Buffy" from being crap anyway no matter how much you polish the turd, but I digressed. No, the truth is that Blu-ray is a scam.

No matter what the media and the nerd blogs tell you, there's no huge difference between the transfers of movies available on DVD and Blu-ray in the same way that DVD was a huge technological upgrade from VHS. The movie industry simply needed something else to get money out of people. If there is any benefit at all, it's that the plastic which covers the label where the information is really stored is a little bit harder to scratch. It's still not impossible though. Errors in duplication are just as frequent too.

I've seen Blu-ray discs which look absolutely no different to the DVD versions of the same movie. I've also seen transfers to Blu-ray which are a lot worse so it's become obvious that it's all a con. Unless you have a huge HDTV with at least a 70 inch screen, you aren't going to notice much difference either way. On my 3 year old 42 inch television, there's no difference at all.

Blu-ray players, on the other hand, aren't a scam. If they'd been used the right way in the beginning to play multi-featured discs back then they'd be a fantastic upgrade for those of us who always wanted a DVD jukebox from Sony which actually worked properly. The bonus features which allow Netflix, Amazon, Hulu and other streaming services through the same boxes are also commendable additions.

But is it worth upgrading everything to Blu-ray when you already have a huge DVD collection already? The answer is no. You aren't going to get any benefit out of it. The DVDs you own will automatically be up-scaled by the Blu-ray player to the resolution of your new HDTV, but most HDTVs should do that with a standard DVD player anyway. That's also the same process used by most of the Blu-ray manufacturers who claim to have "remastered" the movies. What did they do? They enlarged the picture and burnt it back onto Blu-ray, that's all. Give me a break! Only a movie filmed in HD specifically for the Blu-ray format is ever going to look "better" (and without letterboxing) because your old beloved '80s slashers probably don't even exist on a better format originally than VHS or Beta (if you are lucky).

So the process might be more intricate in the case of transferring 35mm prints to Blu-ray than merely up-scaling low-budget horror DVDs, but the principle remains the same. If the original source material is crap, the result of the transfer will be too. It's not some kind of magic that turns fuzzy into non-fuzzy at the press of a button. In some cases, it nearly is, but not really. But do you really believe that anyone is going to invest the time or money into rescanning movies when a few digital enhancements are all that it will take to satisfy the masses? Of course, not. 99.9% of "remastered" Blu-ray movies are the same as the DVD except up-scaled and re-burnt onto new media.

Does one movie really require the whole 50 GB of space for the resulting image to be stored on? Hell, no! You could fit 10 remastered movies on each Blu-ray disc if you wanted to, but obviously the movie studios don't want to do that. They want you to buy everything again individually apart from the movies which didn't sell well in the first place. They don't care about those at all which is why there are so many DVD multi-feature bargains to be found.

While the majority of people would rather buy multipacks of two or three movies per side of a flipper disc, the single feature scam continues to entice the cash from the wallets of those people with more money than sense.

Do yourself a favour this Christmas. Just say no to Blu-ray until the movie distributors start using the format properly.

The first DVD giveaway winner has been chosen!

Remember the giveaway competition from over a month ago? Well, it's over now and the winner has been chosen by my cat, Willow.

Unfortunately, there are no pictures of the choosing to mark this historic event as my camera is dead. You'll just have to use your imagination. Suffice it to say that all four names were written on pieces of paper, screwed up into little balls, and the one which Willow batted first was the winner. Yes, I know it would have been better with pictures.

Anyway, without further ado, the winner was the lovely Zena (aka the Real Queen of Horror). If you haven't read her blog then you really ought to start following it too (especially now that she's got a dotcom address).

I'm sure that I'll do more giveaways one day but this one was really to mark the two years that I've been using Blogger. I didn't get any new subscribers (except on YouTube), and I actually lost 20 Twitter followers rather than gained any, but those are the breaks with the internet. It's only a bit of fun anyway and I don't take any of it too seriously.

The runners-up will each receive the free knowledge that a 20 pound cat completely ignored their names which were screwed up into enticing balls of paper. Here she is in all her glory:

Willow also wishes it known that she doesn't really weigh 20 pounds (the camera adds at least 5 pounds to her pictures) but she does have a lot of puffed-up fur.

Horror DVD artwork which looks the same

Just for a bit of fun, I started browsing the lookalike horror DVD artwork with the Amazon Associates widget. Clearly, it's not just Hollywood that has run out of ideas.

New Horror DVDs at Big Lots!

I just got this in my email so I thought I'd share. Click the image for a PDF of the titles available.

With any luck it won't just be a restock of my Big Lots $3 Horror DVD Master List and there will be something new at last.


Update

I have now checked and unfortunately there will be hardly anything new apart from a couple of ropey old B movies from the '50s and some horrible Sci-Fi channel dreck. A lot of the films on the Halloween list aren't even horror.

You'd think that they would fix the typos before sending something like this out too, wouldn't you?

The Big Lots $3 Horror DVD Master List

Since moving to America three years ago, I've been regularly buying DVDs from my local Big Lots for $3 each.

Various sites have attempted a "Master List" of all the titles they were selling, but none have made a definitive horror DVD list... until now that is. Here it is.


$3 DVDs
100 Feet
After Midnight
Alone in the Dark
An American Werewolf in London
The Amityville Horror
The Amityville Horror (remake)
Amityville 2: The Possession
Amityville III/3D
Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid
Anatomy 2
April Fools Day (remake)
Attack of the Puppet People
Basket Case 3
Bats
Black Cadillac
Blade II
Body Snatchers
Bone Eater
The Bone Snatcher
Boogeyman
The Boogeyman/The Return of Boogeyman
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (DVD + CD)
Brainscan
The Bride
The Brood
Bubba Ho-Tep
A Bucket Of Blood
Bug
Burnt Offerings
Cameron's Closet
Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh
Candy Stripers
Carrie (TV remake)
Carriers
The Cave
The Cavern
The Changeling
Christina's House
Christine
Chupacabra Terror
Closure
Count Yorga, Vampire
The Creeping Flesh
Creepshow
Crimson Rivers
Crimson Rivers 2: Angels Of The Apocalypse
Cry-Wolf
Curse of Frankenstein/Taste the Blood of Dracula (Double Feature)
The Dark
Darkness Falls
Dawn of the Dead (remake)
Decoys
Decoys 2
Dead Calm
Dead Silence
The Dead Zone SE
Deadly Friend
Death Tunnel
Demon Seed
The Dentist
Devour
Die Monster Die!
Dreamcatcher
Dr. Giggles
Dr. Phibes Rises Again
Duel
The Dunwich Horror
Earth vs. the Spider
Eight Legged Freaks
The Exorcist
The Exorcist: The Version You've Never Seen
Exorcist II: The Heretic
The Exorcist III
The Exorcist: The Beginning
The Exorcism Of Emily Rose
Eyes of a Stranger
The Fall of the House of Usher
Final Destination
Final Destination 2
Flatliners
The Fog
The Fog (remake)
Freddy vs. Jason
Frankenfish
Frightmare (aka Paranoid)
The Frighteners
Frogs
Funny Games (remake)
Ghost Ship
Ghost Stories Vol. 2
The Ghoul
The Glass House
Glass House: The Good Mother
Godzilla: Monster Edition
Gothika
The Grudge
The Grudge 2
The Hand
The Hannibal Lecter Anthology (Hannibal/The Silence of the Lambs)
He Knows You're Alone
Hellion
The Hitcher
The Hitchhiker
The Hitchhiker Vol. 2
The Hitchhiker Vol. 3
Hollow Man
Hollow Man 2
Horror of Dracula
Hostel
House of Wax
House on Haunted Hill (original)
House on Haunted Hill (original and remake Double Feature)
House on Haunted Hill (remake)
How To Make A Monster
The Howling SE
The Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf
Howling 4 - The Original Nightmare
Hush
I Bury The Living
I Know What You Did Last Summer
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
I Walked with a Zombie/The Body Snatcher (Double Feature)
Identity SE
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
Invasion Of The Body Snatchers
Isle of the Dead/Bedlam (Double Feature)
It's Alive
Jason X
Joy Ride SE
Killer Klowns From Outer Space
King Kong
Konga
Land of the Dead
Manhunter
The Marsh
Mary Reilly
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
Monster High
The Monster That Challenged the World
The Mothman Prophecies
Mute Witness
Needful Things
Nightmare on Elm Street
The Omen (2-disc CE)
Once Bitten
Of Unknown Origin
Phantom of the Opera
The Pit and the Pendulum
Plan 9 from Outer Space
Planet of the Vampires
The Possession of Joel Delaney
Premonition (aka Convergence)
Population 436
Psycho (remake)
Psycho II
Psycho III
Pulse
The Pumpkin Karver
The Rage: Carrie 2
Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders
Red Dragon
Red Water
The Return
The Revenge of Frankenstein
Rosemary's Baby
Salem's Lot
Scanners
Shredder
Seed of Chucky
Shaun of the Dead
The Shining
Single White Female
Single White Female 2: The Psycho
Slither
The Skeleton Key
Skinwalkers
Species
Species II
Species III
Spirit Trap
Stephen King's The Night Flier
Stephen King's The Shining (TV miniseries)
Swamp Thing
Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood
Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
The Thing With Two Heads
Thir13en Ghosts
Torture Garden
Tremors 2
Tremors 3
Tremors 4
Urban Legend
Urban Legends: Bloody Mary
Urban Legends: Final Cut
Vampires: Los Muertos
When a Stranger Calls
When a Stranger Calls (remake)
Whisper
White Noise
White Noise 2
Willard
Wind Chill
The Woods
X: The Man With The X-Ray Eyes
Zombie Strippers

$5 DVDs
30 Days of Night
Candyman
Prom Night
Snakes on a Plane
Moscow Zero
Zodiac

$6 DVDs
Ghost Ship/Dreamcatcher (Double Feature)
Gothika/Queen of the Damned (Double Feature)
The Lawnmower Man/Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe's War (Double Feature)
The Lost Boys/Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (Double Feature)
It/The Shuttered Room (Double Feature)
It's Alive/It's Alive II/It's Alive III: Island of the Alive (Triple Feature)
Psycho II/Psycho III/Psycho IV: The Beginning (Triple Feature)
Village of the Damned/Children of the Damned (Double Feature)

$6 DVD box sets
Blade (Complete TV series)
Chilling - 20 Movie Pack (Mill Creek Entertainment)
Friday the 13th: The Series (Season Two)
Stephen King's Nightmares and Dreamscapes (TV series)
Strange Tales - 20 Movie Pack (Mill Creek Entertainment)

$8 DVD box sets
Chilling - 50 Movie Pack (Mill Creek Entertainment)
Drive-in Classics - 50 Movie Pack (Mill Creek Entertainment)


If I find any more, I'll add them to the list. Titles and restocks vary from store to store, so what you find in one may not turn up in another Big Lots for ages. Happy hunting!