Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

"An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires."

Since "Embrace of the Vampire" is just an excuse to see Alyssa Milano get her boobs out several times and laugh at Martin Kemp licking a door (the only thing more wooden than his performance), I'm not going to go into any depth about this awful movie. "Embrace of the Vampire" is little more than softcore porn with "Mills & Boon" dialogue, and everybody already knows that it stinks.

The only reason I've brought it up on my blog is because there's now a remake which I'll be reviewing later, and I needed to reaquaint myself with the story (such as it is) to be able to compare and contrast the two. I know some people erroneously think that I'm dead set against remakes, but in the case of "Embrace of the Vampire" anything would be an improvement. A ten-minute YouTube video of a toilet roll being unspooled by a puppy would be more horrific!

If you're not familiar with "Embrace of the Vampire, firstly, good on you for skipping it. Secondly, you'd be wise to keep things that way. There's hardly any story here apart from the blatant homages to "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992) and, in particular, the saucier bits. Bisexuality is the name of the game with lots of girl-on-girl, boy-on-girl/girl-on-boy, and even a bit of "The Rocky Horror Show" gender-impersonation action. At one point, there's a full blown orgy going on in a nightclub! So don't even try to argue that is supposed to be a horror movie!

Martin Kemp is terrible as a lonely vampire who needs his re-incarnated lost love to survive and is, quite frankly, embarrassing. He pops up occasionally with his shirt off, but mercifully, he has less than five minutes of screen time overall. Similarly, sexy Jennifer Tilly has a small role with some of the most cringeworthy lines she has ever been asked to deliver. I'm not going to say anything worse about Jennifer Tilly though, because she's still uber hot in spite of her character's not very well hidden identity.

The late Harold Pruett and Alyssa Milano.

As far as Alyssa Milano's performance goes, well, it's all about gazing into space, looking at the floor shyly, and not needing much prompting to get naked or succumb to any other character's sexual advances. Some of her scenes are admittedly erotic, but the pacing is all wrong for "Embrace of the Vampire" to be a truly erotic movie. There's no sexual tension, no chemistry, and the novelty factor of seeing Alyssa Milano topless gets boring pretty quickly unless you're a megafan of "Charmed".

Because this is a very '90s production, the late Harold Pruet plays Alyssa Milano's boyfriend, and there are small roles for Jordan Ladd and Rachel True who have both gone on to better things. None of them stand out in either a good or bad way, but it's mildly interesting to see such a gathering of "teen" stars in one place. The fact that none of them were actually teens at the time is just the way things are in the movies, and it's not worth making a fuss over.

I don't have anything good to say about "Embrace of the Vampire", and I've noted all the important bits, so now I can move on to the remake. Apparently, it's produced by the same people behind "I Spit on Your Grave" (2010), and there's supposed to be a more coherent story to go with all the boobs and blood. We shall see.

Don't you just hate it when they put the wrong names above the heads?

Curse of Chucky (2013)

"After her mother's mysterious death, Nica begins to suspect that the talking, red-haired doll her visiting niece has been playing with may be the key to recent bloodshed and chaos."

Don Mancini's sixth installment in the "Child's Play" franchise has been one of the most anticipated horror sequels for those of us who aren't members of the privileged "praise everything" clique which gets invited to advanced screenings. After what seems like months since those shills started overhyping it, "Curse of Chucky" is finally available via VOD (depending on which country you live in and which service you use), so you can now see what all the fuss was about... or not, as the case may be.

As someone who prefers "Bride of Chucky" (1998) and "Seed of Chucky" (2004) over the first three movies, I'm a little bit disappointed that "Curse of Chucky" is more of a throwback to the earlier ones instead of continuing the story where "Seed of Chucky" finished, especially as I was anticipating being able to divide the franchise into two neat halves according to the titles. Until this one, if the movie has "Child's Play" in it, it's a dated one for fans of '80s and early '90s slashers, but if it has "Chucky" in it, you know it's going to be more modern and fun. Unfortunately, that idea has gone out of the window.

"Curse of Chucky" is like the first "Child's Play" with Chucky working alone and terrorising a family in their house for what seems like no apparent reason (until he explains everything two-thirds of the way through), and as such, it's mostly just another generic slasher with a creepy doll. Even with Brad Dourif appearing in the flashbacks, you could still easily replace Chucky with any doll from the last 30 years and not notice the difference. I was half-expecting Blade, Pinhead, and Tunneler to turn up, and I can't wait to see the inevitable Empire/Full Moon mashups appear on YouTube!

Either she's really tiny or the new Chucky is huge!

Ignoring the little girl who doesn't have much screen time anyway, the star of the show is Fiona Dourif (Brad Dourif's daughter). Apparently, she's not a bad actress, and she's exceptionally hot for a chick in a wheelchair! Sick puppies will probably say that she's the ideal woman because she can't run away, and I have a slight suspicion that her character is really only the way she is to make that somewhat puerile joke. I was quite surprised that Chucky didn't say it out loud at any point! Maybe it's due to the pussified PC times we live in that the one-liners are a lot weaker. Chucky has always been a bit disappointing as a psycho-pervert, but swearing is a poor substitute for his normally Freddy-esque humour.

Gore-wise, there are a couple of decent kills, including a decapitation and a lot of blood, but none of these movies are that special for gorehounds anyway. Most of the budget must have gone on the CGI effects to animate Chucky, which is a bit of a shame. It's not as if Chucky gets much time on screen either.

To add to the eyecandy, Danielle Bisutti (from "InSHITious 2") and Maitland McConnell provide an erotic surprise which I won't spoil for you. It's a nice touch, but it doesn't go far enough. A glimpse of Maitland in her red lingerie is the highlight; a hot and steamy shower scene would have been better.

Overall, I liked the first three-quarters of "Curse of Chucky". There was a little bit of suspense here and there, and I started to feel bad for Fiona Dourif's character, but after the courtroom scene, the three contradictory "fanservice" endings which followed (especially the one with Andy Vincent during the credits) ruined everything and pissed me off. Ideally, it might have been better to have placed the Jennifer Tilly ending in the credits, and left the others as "Special Features" on the future DVD rather than use them to pad the running time, but what's done is done.

"Curse of Chucky" is currently only available via VOD, but it will be released on DVD and Blu-ray on October 8th. Start saving your pennies if you're a Chucky fan, or save them for something better if you aren't.