Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

"An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires."

Since "Embrace of the Vampire" is just an excuse to see Alyssa Milano get her boobs out several times and laugh at Martin Kemp licking a door (the only thing more wooden than his performance), I'm not going to go into any depth about this awful movie. "Embrace of the Vampire" is little more than softcore porn with "Mills & Boon" dialogue, and everybody already knows that it stinks.

The only reason I've brought it up on my blog is because there's now a remake which I'll be reviewing later, and I needed to reaquaint myself with the story (such as it is) to be able to compare and contrast the two. I know some people erroneously think that I'm dead set against remakes, but in the case of "Embrace of the Vampire" anything would be an improvement. A ten-minute YouTube video of a toilet roll being unspooled by a puppy would be more horrific!

If you're not familiar with "Embrace of the Vampire, firstly, good on you for skipping it. Secondly, you'd be wise to keep things that way. There's hardly any story here apart from the blatant homages to "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992) and, in particular, the saucier bits. Bisexuality is the name of the game with lots of girl-on-girl, boy-on-girl/girl-on-boy, and even a bit of "The Rocky Horror Show" gender-impersonation action. At one point, there's a full blown orgy going on in a nightclub! So don't even try to argue that is supposed to be a horror movie!

Martin Kemp is terrible as a lonely vampire who needs his re-incarnated lost love to survive and is, quite frankly, embarrassing. He pops up occasionally with his shirt off, but mercifully, he has less than five minutes of screen time overall. Similarly, sexy Jennifer Tilly has a small role with some of the most cringeworthy lines she has ever been asked to deliver. I'm not going to say anything worse about Jennifer Tilly though, because she's still uber hot in spite of her character's not very well hidden identity.

The late Harold Pruett and Alyssa Milano.

As far as Alyssa Milano's performance goes, well, it's all about gazing into space, looking at the floor shyly, and not needing much prompting to get naked or succumb to any other character's sexual advances. Some of her scenes are admittedly erotic, but the pacing is all wrong for "Embrace of the Vampire" to be a truly erotic movie. There's no sexual tension, no chemistry, and the novelty factor of seeing Alyssa Milano topless gets boring pretty quickly unless you're a megafan of "Charmed".

Because this is a very '90s production, the late Harold Pruet plays Alyssa Milano's boyfriend, and there are small roles for Jordan Ladd and Rachel True who have both gone on to better things. None of them stand out in either a good or bad way, but it's mildly interesting to see such a gathering of "teen" stars in one place. The fact that none of them were actually teens at the time is just the way things are in the movies, and it's not worth making a fuss over.

I don't have anything good to say about "Embrace of the Vampire", and I've noted all the important bits, so now I can move on to the remake. Apparently, it's produced by the same people behind "I Spit on Your Grave" (2010), and there's supposed to be a more coherent story to go with all the boobs and blood. We shall see.

Don't you just hate it when they put the wrong names above the heads?

Nazithon: Decadence and Destruction (2013)

If you're anything like me (and I sincerely hope that you aren't), your knowledge of Naziploitation probably begins and ends with "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS" (1975). Give or take the sequels, there's not much in these movies for horror fans.

To say that Naziploitation has a niche audience of sado-masochists, perverts, and people who just like looking at sexy women dressed in Hugo Boss uniforms may be over-generalising, but there's definitely a stigma attached to this subgenre for all the right reasons. However, just out of curiosity, I decided to try out the new GrindhouseFlix site from Full Moon to see what this stuff was all about.

GrindhouseFlix is a nicely designed site with some truly weird and wonderful movies on it (with more due to be added every month). I found the navigation and sign-up process very easy indeed, but the best bit is that the video streaming software which they use behind the scenes works on Linux. Unlike Netflix (which is unusable on Ubuntu even though there's now an unofficial way of getting it to work using WINE), GrindhouseFlix works on any modern operating system.

I used a promo code to watch "Nazithon" for free so it would be churlish of me to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I have to say that the collection of trailers and clips is hardly an in-depth documentary. Basically, it's a collection of most of the nudie bits from the Naziploitation movies. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but I wish that I'd used my freebie on a full length movie instead.

Being my usual cynical self, I'd guess that "Nazithon" is really meant to be a taster (or teaser) for some of the movies which are eventually going to be available on the site, but I still got something out of it. I made a list of anything which looked interesting including "SS Hell Camp", "Salon Kitty", and "The Damned" so that I can watch them later. I'm sorry to say that clips of "Zombie Lake" didn't impress me, but that's because I've had a gutful of zombies anyway.

The hosts of this excursion into "Decadence and Destruction" aren't natural comperes, and I couldn't tell you who either of them are in the entertainment industry without looking them up. There's nothing she can do about it now, but Michelle McGee has far too much ink for an SS officer and looks a bit silly. The fact that the real SS had no female officers anyway (as far as I know) is neither here nor there. This is a Full Moon production after all.

A brief cameo by a certain female puppet from "Puppet Master: Axis of Evil" (2010) is a treat for fans of the series, but I haven't got that far through them yet and have no idea who she is either.

If you want to watch "Nazithon" for free, just click on the banner below, sign up, and use one of the promo codes from Full Moon's Facebook page. It's only 80 minutes long and you might enjoy some of it.

Jacqueline Hyde (2005)

"A lonely and shy young woman, inherits a house and stumbles upon a secret formula that enables her to transform her body in any way she wants. Each time she takes on a different form, she loses parts of her own personality until she doesn't know where her real self ends and her new alter-ego begins. The struggle between her new found abilities and her own conscience lead up to a climax where she will have to recapture her old life or give in to her desires."

Does anyone not know that Blythe Metz from "Jacqueline Hyde" wants to be the next "Wonder Woman"? She even has a MySpace set up for it with pictures of her dressed up and she looks GOOD!

Anyway, she's great in "Jacqueline Hyde" too.

Yes, it is just an excuse for lots of nudie bits and fake orgasms, but I enjoyed it immensely. It makes Hammer's "Dr Jeckyll and Sister Hyde" look like a little kid's movie!

"Jacqueline Hyde" is one of those films where, every time you see the next victim, you just know that they are going to get nude and be shagged to death or killed soon after. It's predictable, but it's great!

There's lots of blood and some nice effects, all wrapped up in a very silly story. I won't mention the acting. For that reason, I still can't decide if this was meant to be a comedy or not. It wasn't far from being a porno though, not that that's ever a bad thing!

I can only give it 5 out of 10 as it isn't really horror. It also gets a bit repetitive and has a stupid ending.