Aftershock (2012)

"In Chile, a group of travellers who are in an underground nightclub when a massive earthquake hits quickly learn that reaching the surface is just the beginning of their nightmare."

I've been struggling with this movie review for so long that it isn't even funny. But finally, after several glasses of Teacher's and Coke, I'm biting the bullet and writing the first things that come into my head just to get the damned thing out of the way.

The first problem I've been having with "Aftershock" is that it isn't really a horror movie. It's a mean-spirited disaster movie with horror elements. The second problem is, of course, because I'm hardly the biggest fan of Eli Roth. Actually, I'll go further than that, I can't stand his "Hostel" and "Cabin Fever" movies. The weird thing, though, is that I've actually started to like Eli Roth as an actor based on his performance here.

Okay, so Eli Roth is obviously channelling a lot of David Schwimmer and that type into his "Gringo" character, and he comes across as a total wussypants, but he's kind of likeable with it. When the bad things start happening, it's Eli Roth who you're rooting for the most, and I never thought I'd write those words in the same sentence.

Huge spoilers coming!

What happens in Chile stays in Chile!

As the majority of the action in this movie is a series of darkly comedic gags which make as much use of the "no good deed goes unpunished" cliché as possible, it's not worth worrying about the plot too much. Some people have described "Aftershock" as "Hostel with an earthquake" and that's about as deep as it gets. Basically, a bunch of not very worldy-wise tourists in Chile end up dying unpleasantly at the hands of Mother Nature, escaped convicts, or a combination of both.

Eyecandy is provided by Andrea Osvárt (as Monica), Natasha Yarovenko (as Irina), and Lorenzo Izzo (as Kylie). The latter is also in Eli Roth's remake of "The Green Inferno" which I know you're all looking forward to as much as I'm not. These girls really go through it. If it's not bad enough to be shook up by an earthquake and have huge chunks of rock fall on you, they end up getting chased by criminals, one gets raped and then shot, and after making the wrong choice about who to trust, well, not to put too fine a point on it, they all die horribly. The final scene with the "final girl" is hilarious for those of us who are sick of the trope.

The guys along with Eli Roth don't fare any better. Ariel Levy (who keeps his own first name) and Nicolás Martínez (as Pollo) are a very likeable pair whose antics endear you to them even when they are being assholes. They don't make it out of this movie alive either, and nor does our Eli. In fact, Eli Roth's death in this movie is one of the nastiest things I've seen in a long time, not because of the effects, but because of the sadistic and unneccesary nature of it.

Bloody good!

Since "Aftershock" is a disaster movie, it's very frugal with the spectacular effects or people running around in chaos, but it's not too sparse, and there's more than enough to create the right atmosphere. It's $2,000,000 budget was only double that of a movie by The Asylum, so consider the coat cut according to the cloth. It's certainly not disappointing for gore!

I liked "Aftershock" so much that I'm going to put it in "The Vault". It's not the best disaster movie I've ever seen, but it's the best disaster-horror hybrid movie I've seen this year other than "Sharknado".

Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

"An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires."

Since "Embrace of the Vampire" is just an excuse to see Alyssa Milano get her boobs out several times and laugh at Martin Kemp licking a door (the only thing more wooden than his performance), I'm not going to go into any depth about this awful movie. "Embrace of the Vampire" is little more than softcore porn with "Mills & Boon" dialogue, and everybody already knows that it stinks.

The only reason I've brought it up on my blog is because there's now a remake which I'll be reviewing later, and I needed to reaquaint myself with the story (such as it is) to be able to compare and contrast the two. I know some people erroneously think that I'm dead set against remakes, but in the case of "Embrace of the Vampire" anything would be an improvement. A ten-minute YouTube video of a toilet roll being unspooled by a puppy would be more horrific!

If you're not familiar with "Embrace of the Vampire, firstly, good on you for skipping it. Secondly, you'd be wise to keep things that way. There's hardly any story here apart from the blatant homages to "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992) and, in particular, the saucier bits. Bisexuality is the name of the game with lots of girl-on-girl, boy-on-girl/girl-on-boy, and even a bit of "The Rocky Horror Show" gender-impersonation action. At one point, there's a full blown orgy going on in a nightclub! So don't even try to argue that is supposed to be a horror movie!

Martin Kemp is terrible as a lonely vampire who needs his re-incarnated lost love to survive and is, quite frankly, embarrassing. He pops up occasionally with his shirt off, but mercifully, he has less than five minutes of screen time overall. Similarly, sexy Jennifer Tilly has a small role with some of the most cringeworthy lines she has ever been asked to deliver. I'm not going to say anything worse about Jennifer Tilly though, because she's still uber hot in spite of her character's not very well hidden identity.

The late Harold Pruett and Alyssa Milano.

As far as Alyssa Milano's performance goes, well, it's all about gazing into space, looking at the floor shyly, and not needing much prompting to get naked or succumb to any other character's sexual advances. Some of her scenes are admittedly erotic, but the pacing is all wrong for "Embrace of the Vampire" to be a truly erotic movie. There's no sexual tension, no chemistry, and the novelty factor of seeing Alyssa Milano topless gets boring pretty quickly unless you're a megafan of "Charmed".

Because this is a very '90s production, the late Harold Pruet plays Alyssa Milano's boyfriend, and there are small roles for Jordan Ladd and Rachel True who have both gone on to better things. None of them stand out in either a good or bad way, but it's mildly interesting to see such a gathering of "teen" stars in one place. The fact that none of them were actually teens at the time is just the way things are in the movies, and it's not worth making a fuss over.

I don't have anything good to say about "Embrace of the Vampire", and I've noted all the important bits, so now I can move on to the remake. Apparently, it's produced by the same people behind "I Spit on Your Grave" (2010), and there's supposed to be a more coherent story to go with all the boobs and blood. We shall see.

Don't you just hate it when they put the wrong names above the heads?

It's October! And we all know what that means!

Yes, it's that time of year again when all the fairweather horror fans and Horror Lamers start blogging furiously about the second biggest non-event "holiday" (which isn't even a holiday) other than Christmas! Yay!

Prepare to be burnt out by all the tiresome posts about Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and God knows how many more slashers which have nothing to do with the true supernatural meaning of Hallowe'en. Except on this blog, of course, where everything stays traditionally old school.

This year, however, I have something slightly different planned for you. Whether or not I achieve it will be another matter, but I'm cutting back on the reviews and adding some more interesting stuff. No, I'm not going to write about the pathetic internet dramas caused by chubby little girls and other attention-seeking cyberbullies whose cowardly actions towards free horror bloggers are fuelled by jealousy, nor am I going to post responses to the tirade of misinformed Disqus comments I get every day from people who don't seem to understand that this is my blog not theirs. Do people honestly think that I'm going to change what I write because they don't like what I have to say? It's not going to happen. That would be as dishonest as their blogs, and be even more boring to read than my usual posts.

What I've got instead is a theme:

Ghoulies, ghosties, long-leggedy beasties,
and things that go bump in the night!

I've been thinking of doing themed months for some time. Last month was Spanish Horror (in case you missed it), and next month will probably be all about Empire and Full Moon. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to talk about new horror movie releases anymore, but it does mean that there will sometimes be more than one post each day (or maybe none at all). Remember how I told you a little while ago that I was going to improve my game? Well, this is it. What else did you expect? I'm only a blogger.

Here's something to whet your appetite:

"They'll get you in the end."

Charles Band recently posted this on Twitter accompanied with "By Halloween!". Thus, I assume that this resin "Ghoulies" figure will soon be available to buy from Full Moon Direct. Fantastic! Maybe Hallowe'en won't be such a non-event this year after all!

By the way, don't forget to "like" my Facebook page. The party (such as it is) continues there!