Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

"An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires."

Since "Embrace of the Vampire" is just an excuse to see Alyssa Milano get her boobs out several times and laugh at Martin Kemp licking a door (the only thing more wooden than his performance), I'm not going to go into any depth about this awful movie. "Embrace of the Vampire" is little more than softcore porn with "Mills & Boon" dialogue, and everybody already knows that it stinks.

The only reason I've brought it up on my blog is because there's now a remake which I'll be reviewing later, and I needed to reaquaint myself with the story (such as it is) to be able to compare and contrast the two. I know some people erroneously think that I'm dead set against remakes, but in the case of "Embrace of the Vampire" anything would be an improvement. A ten-minute YouTube video of a toilet roll being unspooled by a puppy would be more horrific!

If you're not familiar with "Embrace of the Vampire, firstly, good on you for skipping it. Secondly, you'd be wise to keep things that way. There's hardly any story here apart from the blatant homages to "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992) and, in particular, the saucier bits. Bisexuality is the name of the game with lots of girl-on-girl, boy-on-girl/girl-on-boy, and even a bit of "The Rocky Horror Show" gender-impersonation action. At one point, there's a full blown orgy going on in a nightclub! So don't even try to argue that is supposed to be a horror movie!

Martin Kemp is terrible as a lonely vampire who needs his re-incarnated lost love to survive and is, quite frankly, embarrassing. He pops up occasionally with his shirt off, but mercifully, he has less than five minutes of screen time overall. Similarly, sexy Jennifer Tilly has a small role with some of the most cringeworthy lines she has ever been asked to deliver. I'm not going to say anything worse about Jennifer Tilly though, because she's still uber hot in spite of her character's not very well hidden identity.

The late Harold Pruett and Alyssa Milano.

As far as Alyssa Milano's performance goes, well, it's all about gazing into space, looking at the floor shyly, and not needing much prompting to get naked or succumb to any other character's sexual advances. Some of her scenes are admittedly erotic, but the pacing is all wrong for "Embrace of the Vampire" to be a truly erotic movie. There's no sexual tension, no chemistry, and the novelty factor of seeing Alyssa Milano topless gets boring pretty quickly unless you're a megafan of "Charmed".

Because this is a very '90s production, the late Harold Pruet plays Alyssa Milano's boyfriend, and there are small roles for Jordan Ladd and Rachel True who have both gone on to better things. None of them stand out in either a good or bad way, but it's mildly interesting to see such a gathering of "teen" stars in one place. The fact that none of them were actually teens at the time is just the way things are in the movies, and it's not worth making a fuss over.

I don't have anything good to say about "Embrace of the Vampire", and I've noted all the important bits, so now I can move on to the remake. Apparently, it's produced by the same people behind "I Spit on Your Grave" (2010), and there's supposed to be a more coherent story to go with all the boobs and blood. We shall see.

Don't you just hate it when they put the wrong names above the heads?

You and I (2011)

"Two teenage girls, Janie who is American and Lana who is Russian, fall in love after meeting at a t.A.T.u concert and are swept into a dangerous world of obsession, drug abuse and murder."

Just a quick one for you since it more than meets the criteria for "Woeful Wednesday". "You and I", originally titled "Finding t.A.T.u." (and based on the novel "t.A.T.u. Come Back"), has to be one of the worst non-horror movies that I've ever had to endure.

I know there are pretty girls in it (especially Shantel VanSanten), and you get to see a bit of Russia, but that's not enough to make this borefest of lesbian romance any more interesting. Now I'm not surprised that it took almost 4 years to appear. I can't believe that I foolishly looked forward to seeing this back when I was a bit of a t.A.T.u. fan. God help me, I even made a skin for it on Flixster!

I think "Finding t.A.T.u." was actually made 5 years ago, but due to all sorts of legal/financial complications, it took until January 2011 to finally get released on DVD with a name change, and until now to show up in the bargain bins at Wal-mart. At $5, "You and I" is way overpriced for a Lionsgate DVD with no extras so don't think you've found gold if you are "lucky" enough to get a copy.

Ignore the IMDb description because "You and I" certainly doesn't contain any murder. There are lots of drug scenes, a drugs overdose, and some very softcore (yet mildly erotic) lesbianism, but there's a lot of comedy too which makes it a complete mess in terms of a sustained tone. Roland Joffé should be ashamed of himself for directing this tripe and, in fairness, probably is.

"You and I" is nicely filmed, but the story is just crap. All the things which you would reasonably predict happening to two very attractive yet selfish girls who can't get into a t.A.T.u. concert and are forced to wander around Moscow late at night simply don't happen. You would think that they'd both get brutally raped, killed or sold into white slavery (or something) to teach them a lesson, but unfortunately not. "Eastern Promises" already did that anyway, and this isn't the same kind of film at all.

At the heart of it, "You and I" is an adult "Cinderella" story with various clunky contrivances and annoying subplots thrown in just so that t.A.T.u. can sing their hit song at the end. Apart from the soundtrack, there's not even enough of t.A.T.u. in this to make it worthwhile, but as Lena and Yulia aren't actresses by any stretch of the imagination anyway, their cameos are nothing to get too upset about.

As I said, I waited a very long time to see this film and really wanted to enjoy it. Unfortunately, I just couldn't dumb myself down enough to like it.

Daughters of Darkness (1971)

(AKA Les lèvres rouges)



"A newlywed couple are passing through a vacation resort. Their paths cross with a mysterious, strikingly beautiful countess and her aide."

I was tempted to embed the full movie from YouTube above as that was where I lazily rewatched "Daughters of Darkness" rather than pulling out my DVD, but I don't expect it will around much longer. "Daughters of Darkness" might be quite an unknown film to a lot of people, but it's most certainly not in the public domain. It's not even that expensive as a 2-disc special edition to justify the piracy of the Blue Underground release.

I'm not really going to go into a lot of detail about "Daughters of Darkness" because I think it's one of those movies which you are better off not knowing too much about before you watch it. There isn't much of a story to retell anyway as "Daughters of Darkness" is more about its aesthetic appeal and the way the characters interact than anything else.

Directed by Harry Kümel, "Daughters of Darkness" is a visually stunning yet languid and almost arthouse piece of European erotica. It is also a horror movie, of course, but the horror is more in the background until the end. The focus throughout is really on the extremely dysfunctional, sadomasochistic relationship between Stefan (John Karlen) and his newlywed bride Valerie (Danielle Ouimet).

Not to put too fine a point on it, Stefan has a little bit of a secret which is one of those things which causes hours of debate for movie buffs, but with Countess Bathory (Delphine Seyrig) turning up, he's not the only one who isn't what he seems.

Many reviewers fuss over how much Delphine Seyrig looks like Marlene Dietrich, but apart from the rather uncomfortable looking hairstyle, there are few similarities between the two. At times, good lighting makes Delphine Seyrig looks extremely beautiful which, coupled with her smoky voice, makes her quite sexy. Occasionally, with more shade, she really looks her age and isn't so hot at all, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The same thing happens with everybody in the film. There are times when even John Karlen (formerly of "Dark Shadows" and later to be Harvey in "Cagney and Lacey") looks attractive, and other moments where he looks quite old and tired. His acting is mostly sub-par, and the way he mispronounces "Ostende" as "Ostand" is jarring, but when he's being bad, he's kind of great. His naked buttocks will probably still haunt you forever though.

Danielle Ouimet is anything but plain with her long, blonde hair and model figure yet, unless you are really into Abba, she may be an acquired taste. With a great deal of nudity in "Daughters of Darkness", you have to be grateful that most of it is due to her.

Personally, I think Ilona (Andrea Rau) is the sexiest of all of them. Her bobbed haircut may not be the most flattering as it makes her look like a goth version of Louise Brooks, but she exudes hotness. In case you are wondering, yes, she does indeed like to get naked a lot too.

Unsurprisingly, Delphine Seyrig keeps her clothes well and truly on. Trust me on this though, she still contributes an insane amount of eroticism with only her hands and long, red fingernails.

When I first saw "Daughters of Darkness" back in the early '80s, I was just the right age to appreciate the women and not understand any of the deeper psychosexual disorders which were being played out. Today, if I wanted to be cynical, I could just write most of the story off as a load of bed-hopping by deluded bisexuals, and simply note how the various seductions were parodied to some extent by "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" a few years later.

As far as vampire movies go, "Daughters of Darkness" is a lot more adult and intellectually appealing than many others from the same era. How much of that is accident and how much is design is hard to tell especially when you listen to the director's commentary. Having heard Harry Kümel being rather dismissive of his creation, I still think that "Daughters of Darkness" is a slightly flawed masterpiece.

I highly recommend that you watch "Daughters of Darkness" for yourself and make up your own mind about it.

The Descent (2005)

"A caving expedition goes horribly wrong, as the explorers become trapped and ultimately pursued by a strange breed of predators."

Since I'm just about to watch and review "The Descent: Part 2", I thought I'd pull the "Original Unrated Cut" of "The Descent" out to remind myself of why I didn't like it and hold no real hope for the sequel.

At the time it was released, I remember how I really wanted this to be good. Lots of claustrophic action and pretty women potholers menaced by CHUDs was something that I could definitely be entertained by but alas it was not to be. I didn't care about any of the overly feminist characters and just wanted them to be eaten as soon as possible especially when it didn't turn into the "boobs and blood" fest that I expected it to be.

Anyway, I watched it all again to see if any of the girls were less butch or annoying the second time around (or if I could understand any more of what they were mumbling to each other without using the subtitles). I think I gave it a fair chance even though I was still dreading the ridiculous non-ending which should have been chopped off it.

There were one or two good action scenes but the acting was appalling and the plot ran out of steam once the first CHUD was revealed. I mean, what's the point of watching any more of it after the surprise is given away? It was just another slasher movie from then on and I found it boring.

I still don't even know the names of any of the characters or actors except by looking them up on the IMDb because absolutely anybody at all could have been in their roles and it wouldn't have made much difference. Nobody stood out except the Irish lesbian with big teeth and that was only because of her enormous gnashers. There was just nothing here to sympathise with and that was a massive flaw. Unless you are into potholing or spelunking (or whatever the hell the correct term is), I don't think it's even possible to empathise with the situations presented here.

"The Descent" reminded me in places of the Denis Leary and Emilio Estevez film "Judgment Night" (1993) but set underground with CHUDs (instead of gangsters) and the most un-cavewise potholers ever to enter a cave (instead of the un-streetwise yuppies). I know that nothing is ever very original when it comes to the horror genre but the similarities in this case were far too many for me to put it out of my mind.

It wasn't the setting or the plot though but just the bad characterisation and silly monsters which ultimately ruined this film for me. I still can't get my head around how this made Neil Marshall famous for five minutes or why it still has such a high rating on the IMDb.