33 horror movies from 2012 which I will never watch

Speaking as someone who tries to watch every horror movie from every subgenre as they become available, there comes a point when the amount left to see is so overwhelming that harsh decisions have to be made about whether they will ever be watched or not.

Sometimes it's the subject matter, sometimes it's the uninspiring artwork and blurb on the DVD—occasionally, it's merely the name of the movie—but every case is assessed individually before I invest my time and money. Due to many years of experience, I can often tell if a movie is going to be a crappy one without even putting the DVD in the player. Mistakes still happen, and some of the slew of shit manages to slip through, but at least they're confined to rentals because I never blind buy.

You can me "narrow minded" if you like, but you'd be wrong. I'm cynical, and I usually do a lot of research before parting with my money. I don't succumb to marketing or peer pressure, so all my movie watching choices are entirely my own. The following, however, are the titles which didn't interest me enough to give them a chance.

Please note that I'm going "old school" with this post. There are no trailers, no pretty pictures, and no Amazon links. I'm just going to write a couple of sentences about each movie to give you a brief insight into how I choose what is worth watching and what isn't. I haven't actually watched even a second of any of these movies, and I never will.


1. 23 Minutes to Sunrise (2012)
Despite having Eric Roberts in it, what looks like a low-budget crime drama set in a diner doesn't appeal to me. The title suggests a vampire movie, but it isn't. It's also a lot more than 23 minutes long.

2. 1920: Evil Returns (2012)
Tempting though it is to watch an Indian version of "The Exorcist", I've done that before with another Hindi movie which I can't remember the name of. It wasn't good. There's novelty value here and a very beautiful actress, but I'll pass.

3. American Horror House (2012)
The SyFy channel's attempt to cash-in on the name of "American Horror Story" suggests that it's about ghosts, but it looks like a TV-rated slasher centred around a University sorority. I suspect it to be yet another load of annoying teenage girls running around and screaming. No, thank you.

4. Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)
I have no interest in Bigfoot or fake found footage, so this is an easy one to skip. I can imagine that it's all shakycams, some guy in a hairy costume, and everybody will die at the end.

5. Black Forest (2012)
Tinsel Korey, the scarred werewolf-girl from the "Twilight" movies is in this, but so is Ben Cross, and it's another SyFy movie. The blurb says that it's a fantasy set in the Black Forest, Germany, and has something to do with fairytales. If it was about gâteau, I'd be more inclined to watch it.

6. The Caretaker (2012)
A low-budget Australian "cabin in the woods" movie with vampires. That's all the information I need. Vampire kangaroos would be a much better idea.

7. Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)
It's a comedy, so it doesn't matter how many well-known British actors have cameos in it. Also zombies. Ugh! If I was still living in England, and it was shown on a satellite TV channel, I'd probably give it a few minutes just to ogle Michelle Ryan.

8. Community (2012)
Reading between the lines, this may be a British shakycam version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" set on a council housing estate. It has Jemma Dallender (the pretty star of the upcoming "I Spit on Your Grave 2") in it, but sadly, it's full of angry chavs as well.

9. Creep Van (2012)
Apparently, this is a low-budget slasher rather than the story of a possessed van. Either way, it sounds boring, and it's bound to look like a YouTube video.

10. Crowsnest (2012)
Canadian found footage about nomadic cannibals in an R.V. attacking a bunch of teenagers. Since it's Canadian, I imagine that the acting will be okay, but the plot will rip-off half a dozen more famous American cannibal movies and slashers.

11. The Dead Want Women (2012)
A Full Moon movie full of pretty girls and Eric Roberts. What could go wrong? I'll wait for it to appear on an Echo Bridge multipack, and then fast forward through it for the nudie bits. Not really.

12. Demon Hunter (2012)
There are so many movies like this in existence that I've probably already seen this under another name. Just different girls to see topless, more no-budget effects, and non-existent "acting" to spoil my day.

13. Donner Pass (2012)
This is bound to end up on Netflix. By not having the service anymore, I can ignore another bunch of pretty "teenagers" getting killed and eaten by cannibals. Strange title though. It makes me think of kebabs.

14. Fetish Dolls Die Laughing (2012)
With a title like that, it reeks of being a no-budget horror-comedy.

15. Freakshow Apocalypse: The Unholy Sideshow (2012)
It's one of those no-budget nasties which is directed by, written by, and stars the same person. I'll bet that it's about a bunch of weird-looking friends with more tattoos than teeth as they try to copy scenes from Rob Zombie videos. If I'm wrong, I don't care.

16. Ghoul (2012)
A made-for-TV clone of "The Goonies" and "The Monster Squad" maybe? Nope. I can't stand horror movies with little kids doing a load of investigating and their uncaring parents who don't believe them.

17. Girls Against Boys (2012)
A rape-revenge drama which might be good, but I've seen far too many rape-revenge dramas over the years. I'd be very surprised if it offers anything better than "I Spit on Your Grave" as it's probably a formulaic clone of the same thing.

18. Grave Encounters 2 (2012)
I didn't watch more than 5 minutes of the first one, so I'm not going to watch an obviously inferior sequel. I hate all those bullshit "Ghost Hunters" TV shows which this is supposed to look like anyway.

19. Haunted High (2012)
Another SyFy movie which I've had no interest in since learning that one of the morbidly obese movie reviewers from YouTube has a part in it. That, and the childish story itself, puts me right off wanting to see a couple of minutes of Charisma Carpenter.

20. Lizzie (2012)
Having seen the TV movie version, "The Legend of Lizzie Borden" (1975), I can't see any way that this could offer anything new.

21. Lost Woods (2012)
Because the title suggests a movie about erectile dysfunction on a porn set, I was intrigued for a few seconds. Finding out that it's about an alien creature, i.e. a guy wearing a bear costume and a "Predator" mask, who chases campers through a forest destroyed those hopes. It's clearly no-budget crap of the highest order.

22. Love Bite (2012)
Supposed to be a romantic-comedy version "The Inbetweeners" with a werewolf. Apart from Jessica Szohr, there doesn't appear to be any good reason to watch this low-budget "An American Werewolf in Paris" clone.

23. Monsters in the Woods (2012)
Yet another one of those "film crew shooting a movie" ones with boobs and blood but no-budget. Normally a good choice for a "Woeful Wednesday" post, but I have my limits.

24. The Mooring (2012)
"Every 40 seconds a person goes missing." And he's getting really sick of it now! It's a handycam "Friday the 13th" clone set in Idaho, so it's girls being chased through the woods by a psycho. Probably has potatoes in it too.

25. Night Claws (2012)
I wanted it to be a movie about cats, but it's another one about Bigfoot. It's distributed by Midnight Releasing, so it's got to be worse than something by The Asylum.

26. No Tell Motel (2012)
I have a horrible feeling that I've already seen this one... about 50 times over and made by other people! It's about a haunted motel, but it's not going to be as even half as good as "The Innkeepers". I was very disappointed by "The Innkeepers", by the way.

27. Parasitic (2012)
A Florida nightclub gets invaded by an alien parasite. Alrighty then, it's low-budget sci-fi/horror. Do not want!

28. Poe (2012)
Either a film about Edgar Allan Poe or something about toilets, right? No such luck. The blurb says it's about a serial-killing cannibal. In other words, this is no-budget Hannibal Lecter.

29. Rise of the Zombies (2012)
The SyFy channel does more zombies. Ethan Suplee (Randy from "My Name is Earl") is in this. I like him, but not more zombies! No more zombies ever!

30. Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood 3D (2012)
Just look at the title! You can probably tell me all the reasons why I wouldn't want to watch this! It's got Tom Savini and Kane Hodder in it too, and we all know what fantastic actors they are.

31. The Sleeper (2012)
Supposedly a "throwback to the '80s"-style slasher where another sorority house is killed off. Why would anyone feel the need to make something like this in a market already saturated by no-budget slashers?

32. Snow White: A Deadly Summer (2012)
The girl on the coverart looks beautiful, but I don't think another movie with Eric Roberts in it is going to be all that great. Added to that, it's a modern interpretation of the famous fairytale, and those really don't work well.

33. Vampireland (AKA The 6th Extinction) (2012)
A no-budget version of "Stake Land". In every conceivable way, NO!


Since half the fun of being a horror movie reviewer is finding things which other people may not have heard of, if you've actually seen any of these movies, feel free to let me know if I did the right thing by not watching them.

A new challenge begins!

Yes, it's the first "Woeful Wednesday" of 2013, so it's time to start another crappy "indie horror" challenge over at "The Pit of the Pendulum".

This month (and a bit), I will be working my way through the companion box set to "Tomb of Terrors" which came in the "Bloody Nightmares" 100 movie pack: "Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares".

If you've never heard of any of the following titles, it's no big deal. Nobody else has ever heard of them either. This is all the amateur junk that's supposed to be so liberating for filmmakers and actors... although you'd be hard pressed to use either of those terms to describe anyone involved.

Before I Die The Bewitching Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank Burning Dead A Candle in the Dark Catholic Ghoulgirls The Crate The Crawlspace Dead 7 Dead Body Man Dead is Dead The Dead Live Demon Slaughter Dominion Edgar Allan Poe's Madhouse Goblin Goth Hell's Highway Hellbound: Book of the Dead High Desert Hip Hop Locos Hollywood Vampyr I Dream of Dracula I Hate You Invitation

Las Vegas Blood Bath Matthew Mayhem Motel Nightmare Asylum Off the Beaten Path Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City The River: Legend of La Llorona Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest Serial Killer The Shunned House Slasher Suburban Sasquatch The Summer of the Massacre Tales of Terror Terror Toons Thirteen This Darkness Toe Tags Up For Rent Vampire Hunter The Veil When Heaven Comes Down Wishbone The Witching Zombie Rampage

If you aren't into this crap, I'll still be reviewing movies on "Dr Blood's Video Vault". Keep checking-in because I'm all about the best horror movies here.

I finally made it through "Tomb of Terrors"!

For the last two months, I've been watching one of these awful movies every day for my other blog - The Pit of the Pendulum - and I'm now pleased to say that I've finished the first box. Just in time for the world ending too! Yeah, like that's really going to happen.

It wasn't the first time that I've watched these movies as I skimmed through them when I first bought "Tomb of Terrors" back in 2008. A lot of the movies were also shown by Zone Horror in the UK before I moved so I've unfavourably reviewed a couple of them before.

I thought that, given a few years, some of these movies might improve a bit, but I was wrong. As entertaining as they are due to their ineptness, they are all amateur drivel which you have to have something mentally wrong with you to prefer over real mainstream horror. I gave each one a fair chance and tried to be objective, but a bad movie will always be a bad movie even when you are looking for something positive to say about it to redress the balance.

Some of the standouts which are sort of okay are the comedies. For a horror pack, "Tomb of Terrors" has an abundance of comedies with no less than 14 actual comedies and several more which qualify unintentionally. The best of these is "So Mort It Be" (2004) although "Reanimator Academy" (2002) also tickled me. I'm not a big fan of comedy except for "Laurel and Hardy" anyway since I have no sense of humour.

There are also a lot of "crime" movies in the pack which don't contain any horror whatsoever. The ratio isn't as bad as Mill Creek's "250 Horror Movies" pack which has less than 100 horror movies in it once you ignore all the sci-fi, sword and sandals, and ancient serial plays, but it's still annoying even for the original $5. Now that "Tomb of Terrors" costs over $30 in some places, it's really not worth the money if you are a horror fan.

Out of the "real" horror movies, the best ones (in order) are "Siege of Evil" (2005), "Soul of the Demon" (1991), "The Traveler" (2005), and "Inexchange" (2003). The final one barely qualifies, but it's quite a struggle to find any that do.

For those with slightly less discernment and a lot of patience, "Abberdine County Conjuror" (2005), "Massacre" (2002), "Strange Things Happen at Sundown" (2003), "The Vulture's Eye" (2004), and even "Gorno" (2003) aren't entirely awful for no-budget nasties, but they're still pretty bad.

There's no innovation or originality in this pack so "indie horror" fanatics can suck those stupid claims right up. Most of these movies borrow the formulas from more famous movies and then completely wreck everything by not having the talent to do anything with them. Homages and blatant rip-offs abound.

Some to just skip straight over are "Flesh Eating Ghouls from Outer Space" (2004), "Kill Them and Eat Them" (2004), "The Lunar Pack" (2004), "Nightmare Museum" (2006), and "The Woodland Haunting 2" (2005) unless you really like infantile YouTube videos.

As for the rest of the titles, it's all down to how many "pretty" girls you want to fast forward to see. In some cases, checking out the insides of other people's houses which are on show is even more fun than looking for "girl next door" types. Bear in mind that sub-porn movie acting and very softcore porn scenes abound depending on what you allow yourself to be sucked into.

I don't recommend "Tomb of Terrors" unless you can get it for the bargain price that I did. Even then, I still don't really recommend it.

Horror Christmas Presents for Paupers - Part 4

Does the horror fan in your life love monsters? Does he or she also love Monsters or any other energy drink? In that case, recycling some old energy drink cans could make a perfect Christmas present and will allow you to play the part of Baron Frankenstein for a few minutes without spending any money at all.

In fact, when you take these cans back for the deposit refund, you can even make money from doing this! It's a win-win situation!


Make Your Own Monster

Absolutely terrifying, isn't it?

You will need:

1. Old energy drink cans. Monsters, of course, are best for this, but any will do.
2. Glue or sticky tape.


Instructions

Assemble the cans into a monster figure roughly the same as the one in the photo above. This one needs 18 cans. You can use glue or sticky tape to do it.

Note: I didn't actually glue these cans together owing to lack of time so please ignore the ruler.


Option 1

If you are very rich, present your horror fan with full cans in this arrangement.


Option 2

Draw a monster face on a piece of paper and stick it on the top cans to make your monster more realistic. If you can't draw, just download and print one out. It doesn't have to be the Frankenstein monster unless you want to be a purist.


Warning!

Do not attempt to do this with parts of dead bodies. They may be free, but the results will be unpredictable. Plus, if you get caught, you will end up in Federal ass-pounding jail forever!

Horror Christmas Presents for Paupers - Part 3

Horror fans love autographs. Some of them travel half-way across the country to conventions just for the privilege of standing in line for hours on end so that they can pay $25 for an illegible scribble from someone they don't even know.

If you've missed all the horror conventions and have no money anyway, you can surprise everyone with the following gift for only a couple of dollars.


Non-fake Personalised Non-celebrity Autographs

Not signed by Alyson Hannigan obviously.

You will need:

1. A computer.
2. The internet.
3, An inkjet printer.
4. Photo quality paper.
5. A telephone directory.
6. A marker pen.
7. A picture frame (optional).


Step 1

Download a picture of your (or your horror fan's) favourite celebrity.


Step 2

Print out the picture on photograph quality paper.


Step 3

Look through the phone book for someone with the same name as the celebrity whose photograph you have printed out. Write down his or her address.

Note: You can save a lot of time if you already know someone who shares the same name as a celebrity. Just the first name will do in most cases.


Step 4

Go to the person's house, knock on the door or ring the bell, tell them what you are doing, and politely ask them if they will sign your photograph. If you are really nice, they will probably personalise it for you too, thus devaluing it as much as a "real" celebrity autograph.


Step 5

Frame the now autographed photograph, and wrap it up in pretty Christmas paper for your horror fan. Once it's up on his bedroom wall, he will never know the difference nor will anyone else who even cares. Nobody will ever see it anyway.

Horror Christmas Presents for Paupers - Part 2

Every horror fan loves to get movies for Christmas, but you know how it is. Either they've already seen it or it's now on Blu-ray and costs twenty times that of the DVD version. So what can you do?

It's simple.

Make Your Own Horror Movie

Unfortunately, this would involve spending far too much money on a $20 Jazz cam from Wal-mart and, although it wouldn't take you any longer to make than the duration of the movie itself, it's not for everyone.

If you look at the other "indie horror movies" around, it's obvious that you don't need a script, acting ability, originality or any talent whatsoever to make your own horror movie. You don't even need actors as glove puppets or your cat will do. But unless you really want to film Tiddles washing ketchup off herself and showing some nipples, the prospect of making anything which will perk the average horror fan up is filled with too many problems.

Some people have been stupid enough to make their own horror movies for their ex-loved ones only to discover them being mass-produced and sold at horror conventions for $19.99 six months later. If you are thinking of shaky-camming your boobies and running round the house while dressed up as a zombie and screaming, please don't. My cat still hasn't forgiven me for "The Furry Xmas Invader" which, incidentally, you can buy from me (while stocks last) for only $16,087.99 plus tax and shipping. (Please note that the limited "Unrated - Hairball Edition" is no longer available.)

Instead, how about creating your own version of the Mill Creek boxsets using easily downloadable and legally free Public Domain movies? Yes, my friends, this is the way to not even have to pay $5 for 50 nasties! They may not be original movies, but the selection and the order you put them in will be all your own work.


Make Your Own Public Domain Horror DVDs


You will need:

1. Either a blank DVD-R or DVD+R. (3 for $1 at Dollar Tree!)
2. The internet.
3. DownloadHelper.
4. DeVeDe or DVD Flick. They are both free!
5. A few hours of your time.
6. A crappy DVD movie that you can re-use the case from. (Multi disc cases are best for this so look out for those 2-disc "Special Editions" which weren't so special.)


Step 1

Find a source of Public Domain horror movies online. Hint: Google is your friend.

To save yourself a few minutes, you may like to go to my YouTube channel where some of the better Public Domain horror movies are. Don't forget to subscribe!


Step 2

Install DownloadHelper, restart Firefox, and when you are on the correct page, click the little spinning balls on the toolbar to select what kind of download you desire. In this case, it should be the file name that ends in .mp4.


Step 3

Install either DeVeDe or DVD Flick. They are much the same so whichever one you use is really only dependent on your computer system. If you use Linux, DeVeDe is the only sensible choice.


Step 4

Learn how to use DeVeDe or DVD Flick by reading the instructions, then burn your mp4 movies to blank DVDs.

Please note: This is the tricky part as it may involve reading. It's worth the effort because you can fit at least four movies on a single DVD once you get the hang of the software.


Step 5

Download a DVD coverart template and some nice pictures to decorate the insert for your DVD with. Pro-tip: Mill Creek tend to use pictures of actors from movies that they've never even starred in for their coverart so feel free to use their example.

You don't need to be a fantastic artist for this or buy any expensive graphics software. You could even draw or cut pictures out by hand, glue them to the right sized piece of paper and photocopy it. In fact, that's what most "indie horror movie" distributors do anyway.


Step 6

Throw away the original coverart and the DVD for "The Strangers", "Cloverfield", "Hostel" or whichever crappy movie you are replacing. Put your new coverart and DVD-R into the DVD case then wrap it up for Christmas.


Step 7

Enjoy the excited gasps as your horror fan opens the highly original collection of Public Domain horror movies on Christmas Day!

Horror Christmas Presents for Paupers - Part 1

What do you get the horror fan who has everything? It's a question most of us face every Christmas whether we are the ones buying or the ones being bought presents for.

The simplest answer is, of course, a big box to keep it all in, but that's an old joke and will be slightly insulting unless the person in question grows out of their obsession. moves house, or wants to dump all their hoarded crap on the local charity shops.

Money is tighter than ever this year so why waste it on little plastic dollies which collect dust, posters which will rot in their tubes, or DVDs which will be worth less than 50c each by the same time next year?

In the following series of posts, I will give you a few ideas which will cost you hardly anything except a few minutes of your time.


Blair Witch Stick Figures

You will need:

1. Four sticks.
2. Some string.


Step 1

Find four sticks which look vaguely like the ones in the screencap from "The Blair Witch Project" (1999).

If you want to be truly authentic, you can go all the way to Burkittsville, Maryland and pick some sticks up there, but any wooded area will do.


Step 2

Snap the sticks to length and tie them together.

The two "legs" should cross at around two-thirds of the way up. Another stick is attached where they cross to make a "head", and the final one goes across to make the "arms".

It's so simple a five-year-old could do it. If you have kids, you might like to make a game out of it. Be forewarned that Social Services will take your children away from you for doing this and slap you in prison, but that's America for you.


Optional

Although authenticity is best if you want to please your horror fan, bear in mind that if they like "The Blair Witch Project" then they probably don't have a great deal of sense, taste or discernment to begin with.

Knowing this fact will allow you to customise your "Blair Witch Stick Figure" to your heart's content. No sticks? Use pens, pencils, straws, pretzels or those vile chocolate wafer sticks from Dollar Tree.

You could spray paint your figure, use twist ties to hold the sticks together, or since it's Christmas, cover the sticks with glitter and tinsel. If you want to get really ambitious, why not make lots of little ones to hang on your Christmas tree?

You could even assemble a giant "Blair Witch Stick Figure" and use it instead of a traditional Christmas tree! Just don't dump it out on your front lawn after Christmas is over unless you want your neighbours to think that you are some kind of Satanist. Mind you, if you are a Satanist, you probably wouldn't celebrate Christmas anyway or care what your neighbours think.

Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen (2008)

"Will Spanner, the reluctant heir to a dark legacy, is once again thrown into battle against the forces of evil when a series of gruesome murders begins to take place. The victims are all brutally murdered in a ritualistic fashion - the heart is missing from each of the corpses."

You may remember that I purchased this a month ago from my local pawn shop, but things move pretty slowly round here and it has taken me until now to watch it.

What makes my movie reviewing time frame even worse is that I interviewed one of the actresses from this, Zoe Hunter, way back in March 2006! In fairness, that was nearly two years before the DVD eventually came out and, in that time, I completely lost interest in the project.

If you are at all familiar with the "Witchcraft" series then you'll know that they aren't exactly outstanding. To be blunt, they are all a load of straight-to-video crap with some boobs in them occasionally. I don't think any of them rate higher than a two-point-something on the IMDb and, alas, "Witchcraft 13" doesn't even deserve half of that.

As soon as I saw the poor excuse for a menu that whomever made the DVD put on it, I felt any desire to watch the contents of the DVD slipping away rapidly. I'll give them that it was functional, but it looked as if it was done with a very early freeware Windows DVD authoring program. Have I really got disc number 94?

Once the film started, you'll find this difficult to believe, I know, but things got even worse! The quality wasn't even up to YouTube standard and the volume was so low that I had to crank it up to 200% to hear the horrendous dialogue normally. Suffice it to say that I wasn't very impressed with any of the production values. Also imagine, if you will, every expletive known to man that came out of my mouth as I tried to watch this piece of handycam shit.

The story itself was dull, the characters were nondescript, and the acting was virtually non-existent. I honestly believe that I have never encountered such an uncharismatic and uninteresting cast in a movie of any kind ever. I really hope that anyone involved in this was actually trying to act though and isn't in any way like any of the characters in real life.

As expected, there was some minor nudity but not, unfortunately, from Falin Proffitt who played Laura. She was by far the most attractive "actress" in this and it's a pity that, due to the awful quality of the DVD, the screencap above had to come from the official (and misspelled) trailer on YouTube.

My old MySpace friend Zoe Hunter kept her clothes on (which was a bit mean of her), another girl ate fire in her underwear (no, the fire was not in her underwear, that's just how the sentence turned out), and I hate to be so mean about it but the only girl who did get nude looked as if she was a pro (and not a professional actress either).

This was just porn video stuff but without any real porn or an entertaining story. Being the masochist I am, I stuck with it to see if at least the gore effects would be alright, but sadly, they were the no-budget kind as well.

"Witchcraft 13" absolutely reeked of the "Hey guys, I've got a camera, let's drink beer and make a movie!" mentality which reached its peak about 6 years ago. Fortunately, nearly all the wannabe directors, actors and actresses from that time have all got older (though maybe not wiser) and moved on to other things now so I rarely have to endure crap like this anymore. Even if they haven't given up, I hope that the former fanbase who once supported these idiots got sick of this rubbish and have moved on from it themselves. Movies like this gave (and still give) "independent horror" a very bad reputation.

Considering that I once saw this very DVD sitting on the shelves in my local Hollywood Video just waiting for some poor soul to waste a rental fee on it, it's no wonder that they went out of business and had to sell all their stock to the pawn shop. I have no sympathy for anyone who thinks that something like this counts as a real movie or who would try to pass it off as such.

I really can't think of anything good to say about "Witchcraft 13" except (as usual) that I'm glad it's over and I will never have to watch it again. This crap was absolutely disgusting on every level and a complete insult to the intelligence of its audience.

Taintlight (2009)

"When lovely young Stella strikes up a romance with pale, brooding vampire Edgar, the couple must navigate the treacherous waters of human-undead love and fend off the amorous advances of a werewolf named Jack. Meanwhile, another brood of bloodsuckers seeks to impale Edgar and claim Stella for themselves."

It may only have a running time of an hour but "Taintlight" was still 50 minutes too long for me. Although I didn't actually fast-forward it to get it over with, I was sorely tempted to do so.

"Taintlight" has to be the unfunniest and most poorly produced parody that I have ever seen. The only thing which kept me watching was that Meredith Host had some endearing expressions and was quite pretty. There were a couple of moments where she nailed the impersonation of Bella but they were few and far between.

As a more adult parody version of "Twilight" than "Vampires Suck", it was amusing for the first few minutes but it turned out to be a one trick pony and just got boring. The fact that it all looked like a YouTube video (and probably was one) didn't help much either.

I'm sure everyone involved had a lot of fun mugging at each other and making their eyes bulge as much as possible but I didn't get any enjoyment out of watching them.

How the hell did this crap get on Netflix?