American Horror Story: Coven

"A young girl, Zoe, is shattered to discover she possesses a strange genetic affliction tracing back to the dark days of Salem. Zoe is whisked away to Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, a mysterious school in New Orleans devoted to safeguarding the few remaining descendants who share this unique bloodline. Harboring a secret agenda, Fiona Goode, the most powerful witch of their generation, returns to town, reigniting old rivalries with the Coven's deadly enemies, the Voodoo."

"American Horror Story" is back with a third season! Meh. To be honest, I've been so caught up in horror movie reviews that I'd forgotten it even existed. I rarely watch television anyway if I can possibly help it.

Although I didn't like the second season as much as the first, and I didn't know they'd made another one until it suddenly appeared last night, I felt duty bound to at least watch the first episode and ogle Sarah Paulson. I'll not be watching any more until I can buy the whole thing on DVD because I loathe commercial breaks with every fibre of my being.

If "Coven" isn't enough of a clue for you, the oh-so-witty title of the first episode—"Bitchcraft"—reveals that this season is all about witches. Think of it as "The Craft" meets "Harry Potter" meets "Suspiria" meets "The Skeleton Key" with lots more pop-culture witchcraft references thrown in for nerds on message boards to feel clever about spotting. As it's set in New Orleans, it's probably also going to have a ton of Anne Rice stuff in it which I'm never likely to notice.

The biggest news is that Kathy Bates has joined the ensemble cast as the notorious serial killer Delphine LaLaurie, who is so "notorious" that I had to use Google to find out who she was. Call me ignorant if you like, but I don't know anything about famous American witches other than the place name of the Salem witch trials, and I could count the serial killers I've heard of on the fingers of one hand. Neither is really my thing. Aside from what I've learned from movies, I have about as much interest in witches, serial killers, or American history as I have in sticking an unpeeled orange up my arse.

As far as I can tell from one episode and the trailers, "Coven" looks like it's going to be a taco fiesta, In other words, it's severely lacking in any male characters who aren't disposable. Evan Peters turned up just to be killed off (thank you!), but with the knowledge that Lily Rabe's character can resurrect the dead (even though she was killed off too!), he's bound to return. Be prepared to see your Twitter feed explode with angry trending Tweets from Evan Peters' tweenage fangirls if he doesn't!

Obviously, my least favourite horror clique in the world are already stomping their little feet with glee and squealing about "Girl Power", and that's more than enough to put most horror fans off "Coven". But let them have their moment away from making sandwiches because you can guarantee that very bad things are going to happen to the witches in this show. One of them (played by Emma Roberts) has already been gang-raped by frat boys, another burnt at the stake, and I can easily predict the poetic justice that will end Jessica Lange's career as a "Supreme" witch. I'm thinking it will be the same as the end of Hammer's "She" (1965) but with better effects.

For those who stay with it, "Coven" promises to be another mixture of unpolitically correct dialogue and MA-14 situations which push the limits of what the TV censors normally allow. Based on previous seasons, I highly doubt that there will be any taboo subject which is too distasteful for them to cover, especially as the return of the Down Syndrome girl from the first season and the morbidly obese star of "Precious" (2009) complete this Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk freakshow. Hopefully, there'll actually be some horror in it this time too!

"American Horror Story: Coven" will air every Wednesday on FX at 10pm. Check out the official website for further details.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

"An anthropologist goes to Haiti after hearing rumours about a drug used by black magic practitioners to turn people into zombies."

It's very windy outside (and inside too now that I've just had a plate full of chips and beans), so what better way to end my "Hallowe'en Countdown" than with Wes Craven's zombie movie.

You don't see the connection in that segue, do you? It's okay, there isn't one other than the tenuous link between Haiti being destroyed by an earthquake a couple of years ago and the current "Frankenstorm" allegedly being about to destroy the East coast of America. It's just like how there's no connection between zombies or slashers and Hallowe'en, but that hasn't stopped other horror bloggers from writing about them for the last month.

Even though I've tried to keep my own reviews on topic during this month with lots of ghosties, witches, and other supernatural entities, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" has been haunting me ever since I got it in Universal's "Cult Horror Collection" 4-movie pack (along with "Phantasm II", "The Funhouse" and "Sssssss"). I remembered it as being a decent thriller rather than a horror so I couldn't wait any longer to see if it would still hold up today.

Inspired by the book "The Serpent and the Rainbow: A Harvard Scientist's Astonishing Journey into the Secret Societies of Haitian Voodoo, Zombis, and Magic", this has to be one of the most overambitious movies Wes Craven ever made. It's certainly a far more realistic and "back to basics" depiction of zombies than George A. Romero's ghouls. The zombies here are the drugged, hypnotised and brainwashed kind as in "White Zombie" (1932) or "I Walked with a Zombie" (1943).

The filming in Haiti and the Dominican Republic adds a lot to the atmosphere even though the voodoo rituals depicted are full of typical Hollywood excesses and clichés. In its favour, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" includes more details about voodoo and Haitian black magic than "The Vineyard" (1989), for instance, but they are still rather minimal and contrived.

Standout moments in "The Serpent and the Rainbow" include Bill Pullman wrestling with a very tame jaguar, Michael Gough being not very different from Alfred in the "Batman" movies for all of five minutes, and of course, the lovely Cathy Tyson constantly forgetting which accent to use and giving a quick flash of her boobs.

Most people rave about Zakes Mokae who is, without doubt, very sinister as Dargent Peytraud, but I found Brent Jennings to be far more entertaining as Louis Mozart. The scenes with Bill Pullman and Brent Jennings playing off each other are the best in the movie.

I wish I could say the same for every other scene that Bill Pullman is in, but I've never liked him as an actor. His role as Dennis Alan is, however, one of his best despite barely rising above two-dimensional. What do you expect though? This is a Wes Craven movie after all.

I'm not sure if it was added as a joke or a cliché, but one thing to remember from "The Serpent and the Rainbow" is that screaming, "I'm a U.S. citizen!" will never do an American any good at all. The rest of the world doesn't care, hates Americans anyway, and identifying himself as such a coddled, easy target in such a foolish manner is more likely to get the shouter's head kicked in than anything else. Oh yes, the xenophobia is rife in "The Serpent and the Rainbow", and with good reason given the political unrest in the background.

If you can't stand Bill Pullman constantly grinning and want "The Serpent and the Rainbow" to end in a downbeat way then stop the movie at 1 hour and 20 minutes. If you want to see a lame and formulaic horror movie ending full of explosions and dated effects, just continue to watch the last 17 minutes. In fairness, the final payoff scene is nicely done, but the silliness preceding it will probably make you groan in disbelief.

Overall, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" is a slightly more cerebral '80s horror movie than all the Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers tripe, and is well worth rewatching at this time of year (or any other for that matter).

Anyway, watch out for all the blustery winds and rain which the TV news is unnecessarily sensationalising. There's no need to panic, the stores will still be open, and you don't need to buy every can of beans and soup in the supermarkets. If you still have electricity, just stay safe indoors and watch some scary movies. It's Hallowe'en tomorrow!

Dead & Buried (1981)

"A suspense horror film set in a small coastal town where, after a series of gory murders commited by mobs of townspeople against visiting tourists, the corpses begin to come back to life."

Many years ago I had the book of "Dead & Buried" and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I didn't have much choice really as the DPP had included the film in the infamous list of "Video Nasties" and there was no way of seeing it.

Even though it was re-released uncut in Britain in 2004, it has taken until now for me to watch it thanks to Netflix. I wasn't disappointed either as it still holds up very well 30 years on. The opening scene in particular has a massive surprise for anyone expecting a run-of-the-mill '80s horror.

Starring James Farentino, who you might recognise from "The Possessed" (1977) and "Dynasty", as the sheriff of a small town, plus a lot of other well known American TV actors from the time, "Dead & Buried" is undoubtedly derivative of a lot of other "small town with a secret" mysteries, especially "The Stepford Wives" (1975), but it has a lot more atmosphere than most.

There is still some controversy over whether or not Dan O'Bannon actually wrote any of the screenplay or just allowed his name to be added to it after the success of "Alien" but it's still a pretty good script anyway. The dialogue is a little bit sparse and the characters don't have any depth to them but you'll discover that there's a good reason for that at the end.

Some of the scenes are a little bit disjointed but it's really no different to a TV movie in style and most people wouldn't notice. Gary A. Sherman may not have been the greatest director in the world especially as "Death Line" (1973) was his only claim to fame before this film but he did a competent job here.

Of course, the best reason for watching "Dead & Buried" is to see the late Lisa Blount being deliciously sexy and evil as a nurse. She was also in John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness" (1987) but her most famous role was in "An Officer and a Gentleman" (1982) which I know we've all watched at some point even though we probably won't admit to it in company.

You'll also spot Robert Englund in a minor role before he was to become famous for being Freddy.

Everybody plays it straight in spite of the story becoming even more far-fetched than "The Wicker Man" (1973) so it's one of first real horror films from the '80s rather than the comedy-horrors which eventually took over and ruined the genre.

The only major fault with "Dead & Buried" is that the twist ending is very predictable if you've watched a lot of "Twilight Zone" episodes.

Angel Heart (1987)

"Harry Angel is a private investigator. He is hired by a man who calls himself Louis Cyphre to track down a singer called Johnny Favorite. But the investigation takes an unexpected and somber turn."

Many years ago, when I used to religiously collect every horror movie that "4 Front Video" released (due to the lovely golden sleeves on their VHS tapes), I got myself a copy of "Angel Heart". I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was raining, I was in Woolworths, and "Angel Heart" was on the shelves with all the other £4.99 "4 Front Deletions" (as they were also labelled) which I'd already bought. Obviously this wasn't in 1987 but in the mid-90s as I really had no interest in seeing what I'd heard was a glorified pop video at any point before then. It also didn't help matters much that I already knew what the twist was.

Once home, I put this into my old top-loading VCR and prepared for the worst. No matter how many times I tried, I just couldn't get into it, and, though not a difficult film to understand, I just couldn't follow how Mickey Rourke's character was getting from A to B or why. The truth is that I really didn't much care.

Having now watched it again just to review it, I like it considerably more. While "Angel Heart" still has a lot of flaws, and I'll never quite understand how or why Harry Angel ends up in a Harlem church again after his only lead has apparently committed suicide, it did all look a lot better than I remembered it.

The languid "film noir" pace which once simply sent me to sleep was still the same but reminded me of better films such as "Blade Runner" (1982) and "Chinatown" (1974). The score, of course, is very similar to "Blade Runner" in places but, apart from a few blues-filled excursions into pop video land, it all worked for the benefit of the film.

Where "Angel Heart" excelled was in atmosphere and the grimy, sleazy quality of the filming. Where it failed massively was in the transitions from one location to another and, to be perfectly frank, the dialogue. The acting may have been first class but the words that came out of the characters' mouths often seemed more forced than natural. Although it's no understatement to say that "Angel Heart" is not only Alan Parker's masterpiece but Mickey Rourke's as well, that still doesn't make it a great horror film.

I'm not even sure that "Angel Heart" should really be called a "horror film" though. It may contain a huge amount of voodoo, supernatural elements, and some inventive deaths (most of which you don't even see happen but either hear about or see the aftermath of instead) but it isn't actually all that horrific or scary. Having Robert De Niro give an exquisitely sinister performance as "Louis Cyphre" (yes, you can work that one out easily enough!) may be enough for some people though.

What I really liked about "Angel Heart" was the story. You can argue as much as you like about it being predictable but I think that's the point. You are supposed to be able to work out a lot of what Harry Angel doesn't just before the revelatory twist and that is what makes it all worthwhile.

I used to be firmly of the opinion that the ending meant that "Angel Heart" wasn't a film that could ever be enjoyed twice. As much as it's a forerunner of "Identity", "Shutter Island", "The Ward" and even "Skjult" (which I reviewed earlier last week), all those films contain huge plot holes which you can't tie-up no matter how many times you rewatch them. "Angel Heart" has far fewer inconsistencies within its internal logic which means that you can go back and answer any questions that spring to mind although, if you pay close enough attention in the first place, you will never have to.

Undoubtedly there were a couple of surreal moments which completely jumped the shark as far as my enjoyment of any movie goes. Anything that disrupts the flow of a narrative such as dream sequences, flashbacks, hallucinations or any other weirdness really annoys me to the point where I mentally just switch off and, more often than not, eject the DVD and never bother with it again. All the blood dripping through the ceiling during the once infamous Lisa Bonet sex scene was probably the worst of these crimes but I kept watching for obvious reasons. The little boy's eyes glowing at the end were also rather unnecessary but I suppose you have to bear in mind the time that the film was made. "Angel Heart" may be set 1955 but it's still very much a product of the 1980s.

One thing that really stood out for me was all the racial stuff. Being from Britain means that I don't really come from a culture with quite the same history (although you could argue about some of the more dubious Imperial practices) and so that aspect of "Angel Heart" has always been alien to me. On a very personal level, I only met one black person in my entire life before coming to America and he was a medical doctor. Seeing this slice of America's past, albeit fictionalised, is just weird especially as, although the laws about racial equality have changed, I have noticed that the attitudes in real life largely remain the same. I'm not going to digress too much on this subject however or I'll be writing this review for days.

Changing the subject slightly, I really didn't find Lisa Bonet all that attractive but, curiously, I did think Charlotte Rampling looked incredible and I wish that more had been done with her character. It's not that "Angel Heart" needed any more sex in it but there were a couple of erotic moments between Harry Angel and Margaret Krusemark which should have been developed further especially in light of the big secret revealed at the end. The whole thing could probably have been made far more tragic by a different director and, with a remake rumoured, I expect it will be.

Anyway, I'm putting "Angel Heart" back in The Vault not because it's a fantastic horror film but because, in spite of some "Twilight Zone" qualities, it was quite original at the time. Obviously, the "Hellraiser" sequels (particularly V, VI and VII) have redone this story to death now and contain all the goriness that "Angel Heart" itself would have benefited from and it's interesting (and probably not entirely coincidental) that the original "Hellraiser" came out in 1987 as well. Stories about pacts with demons or the devil are far older than even the story of "Faust" but, in the late 80s, well, I'll leave it to your own memories to work out exactly why they became popular again.

I recommend "Angel Heart" to three kinds of people - Mickey Rourke fans, lovers of movies about voodoo, and general film noir enthusiasts. I don't recommend it to a modern audience (who have the same attention deficit disorder as Harry Angel appears to have at times) or to anyone expecting a real chiller.

The Kiss (1988)

"This supernatural horror tale features Joanna Pacula as a mysterious fashion model who, as a child living in the Belgian Congo, was possessed by an evil spirit as the result of a kiss administered by a voodoo priestess. Twenty-five years later, Pacula shows up for the confirmation of her niece and soon the blood begins to flow."

I started watching "The Kiss" about 15 years ago on the German RTL2 satellite channel but only saw as far as the escalator scene before something went horribly wrong with my cheap Matsui receiver (if you are British then you probably had exactly the same one from Dixon's so you know what I mean). As you can see from the price of the DVD at Amazon, this isn't a film that you can acquire all that cheaply so it has taken until now for me to get it through Netflix. Obviously, "The Kiss" made such a lasting impression on me that I really rushed to find out what the hell I had been watching.

Suffice it to say that I could quite happily have never seen the rest of this film without any major impact on my life. It's awful in ways that make other bad horror movies look like Oscar winners in comparison. The acting is horrible, the weird cat-thing which does all the killing is as badly made as something out of "Pipkins" (yeah, that shows my age!), and Joanna Pacula from "Gorky Park" spent far too much time looking angry with her clothes on. Maybe she would have looked happier if she'd been nude for the whole thing. I know I would have.

I just couldn't get into "The Kiss" properly and it had nothing to do with how late '80s it all looked. A bad film is a bad film no matter what era it comes from. I also have no idea who Meredith Salenger is or was or why the fanboys on IMDb think she was so beautiful in this. Yes, she was sort of reminiscent of a young Sandra Bullock with a bigger mouth, but she did nothing for me especially as her character was hardly required to be sexy. Sometimes I just want to shake nerds on message boards.

Since I don't care if I spoil this film for you (especially as nobody reads my blog at the weekends anyway for some reason), it's all about some kind of snakey parasite thing which is transferred from one generation to another through a kiss. It's not quite "The Hidden", but the physical kiss itself has little to do with the parasite emerging out of the mouth of one host and going down the throat of another. I suppose the attempted girl-on-girl snogging could be considered erotic if you're 12 years old, but it did nothing for me. Why there was also a witchcraft angle to this I have no idea except that it made the whole thing seem more supernatural than the unimaginative science-fiction that it turned out to be.

I also have to mention the cat-thing that caused all the "accidental" deaths of Meredith's teenage friends along the way because it was so glaringly fake and considerably crap. Imagine if you got some cheap, horribly made, stuffed toy cat, stuck a load of extra fangs in its mouth and then shook it around in front of the camera with appropriate snarling noises. Yes, that was the effect. It looked dead, it looked fake, it looked completely unscary as possible. What were they thinking?

The death scenes could have been good if they'd actually occurred more onscreen than off, but I suppose the filmmakers were trying to make it more scary by leaving things to your imagination. Either that or they had no budget for decent effects. I've noticed that a lot of people remember the escalator death as being a lot more horrible than it really was which intrigued me because I only saw that far, as I said, before it cut to RTL2's commercials (and then I lost the free satellite channel completely) so I was sure that I missed something good. It turned out that I hadn't. You don't get to see anything!

Anyway, if you are looking for a quick way to waste about $50 on a crap late '80s horror movie just to see Joanna Pacula get topless for a few seconds then I wholeheartedly recommend "The Kiss" to you. If you'd rather wait until it turns up on VHS in a yard sale then I recommend it even more. Of course, you can always do what I did and rent "The Kiss" through Netflix because it's really not something that you want to admit to having in your collection anyway. Yes, this film is most definitely another one for The Dungeon.